#Do I sometimes fuck up one of my comic pages that will be uploaded publicly hell yeah I do do I care not at all babeyyyy I’m improving

[pstupidjokes]

Let me summarize this very bluntly:

I went from pre teens me with confused happy content feelings of probably a combination of hormonal puberty cocktail, browsing through fancomics, seeing Rafi boldly interacting with a creator who integrates asks into their comic. Rafi's profile pic strikes me as interesting. I back then, regarded Rafi as someone like me. A fan of a thing, out here to connect and share passion. I wanted to know what series/game/comic that character was from. Turned out it was his persona. I liked it.

Like how one would refresh a forum or a newssite in the earlier days of the 2010s I was regularly checking profiles of these comic artists who's works I was following and go back to earlier pages every now and then. I saw Raf's profile once again being bold. I saw that he had posted a bunch of artworks while I was going about my life. He was uploading more frequently than the actual comic creators. I decided to integrate him into my weekly routine of digging through the fandom.

Some of the user Interactions on his page showed me that there seems to be another way to communicate on the internet not through forums and comments but through art. Through writing together, making dynamic comics that bounce off someone else's work. I preciously thought it was a trade of professionals when I saw it on other creators. Sort of in the way that only big YouTubers back in the day did collaborations with massive story telling. I figured back then, that groups like Element Animation or Yogscast must be old, rich, and experienced to do these things.

Rafi's work always had a different feeling about it. You could see how he improved every week. His sketches were simple in foundation but complext at the same time. It inspired me to go from copying drawing tutorials of circles and boxes to drawing this cube based 3d style aswell. I never had much time for it and could never improve to a speed like his.

One day I found a about page of his where he explained that he uses a drawing tablet. I checked it out and it blew my mind that it was something that I could afford, so I did.

I was more and more getting involved into making art and I slowly saw people popping up with simmilar foundations for their characters in the same fandom. I stuck around them very little because I respected that Rafi was the inventor of it. They seemed like copy cats. The creators I did stick around at were the ones that traded words publicly with Rafi. I figured that if they must be important to him that they might be the reason why he improved so quickly.

I never was quite confident enought in my english writing skills to be brave enought to message them. I ended up approaching Rafi first, given how long I've been sticking around and that I could touch on topics or art he posted weeks or moths ago. I figured with him that I would have the most to talk about and had the words to say that.

The thing however that intimidated me about him was knowing how social media works. Knowing from being a Server host at one point that blocking/banning someone is a terrifying power and that it was a huge danger that every user on the site could empose that fate on one another. I didn't quite grasp the scope of it on social media either, having come from forums I always thought that these places would be moderated too. That being banned once wasn't soft.

The more I read into how it actually works the less scared I got, but that thought was always at the back. Just because I couldn't get wiped off the site didn't mean that I wouldn't still risk upsetting a person that is very important to me. I was terrified of the thought that he might just not like me, or only want to keep things professional after all. That I could have been wrong in my observation.

Fast forward some time of me interacting with him without getting my head chopped off and I started to feel close with him. This was very strong for me, probably more so from having been around so long checking in so frequently over the months. It ledt me to question my feelings, if they were more than feeling close. After all, he showed less of that than me, so I figured it must be something more, something else.

I confused the effects of parasocial relationships with love. Not a hard mistake to make if you ask me given how much pop culture, romace in movies and music seem to reflect the same situation. "Love at first sight" "Soulmates" "Fated lovers" "Love works out in the end" it's easy to get lost in this bullshit. Given how this was surroundings us all every day every where, being the go to topic for Disney movies and Girl's media.

Disaster struck when it turned out to not be fated fate. I in a moment of stupidity went from bringing up one definition of love, getting rejected, to a few days later trying to express a different definition of love with very little explaination. It tossed my world upside down. I was confused, after all, how could this narrative I've heard and seen all my life be false? I didn't even consider it! Every argument I saw between my own parents was something I brushed off to "lover's love will prevail in the end". That week I questioned everything else in live but that. Religionen, Science, Nature, Countries, Languages, The past, The future. I didn't like the places I ended up in, finding out that science didn't have a concrete answer, that adults seemed to have been wrong, that I couldn't even explain what was going on. That I didn't even understand what to name my own feelings.

I fledt to religion, surely they must have answers about what fate even is. They didn't. Everything I found just invented more things, more pseudo sience. I gave up and lingered around the side of the Internet that talked about "enlightenment" for a while untill trying to drown out the feeling that was slowly turning into depression by listening to recordings of medium gatherings. I knew that it was all a lie what they told but I took comfort hearing people who didn't know what I knew say that it helped them, say that they're greatfull. I bumped into the phenomenon of the placebo effect. Of course, I didn't know that name back then either.

The resulting filter bubble I found myself in both gave me parts of science and parts of pseudocience that you could spot as being false. It gave me things about the history of little things, but never answered any of my questions. Only trivia about the world and news about technologies.

The people whom originally caused me this confusion kept telling me the same things without a reason why. To seek a professional, to move on with life, to let it go. I felt deeply disturbed and hurt by that. Another lie i've been told had shown itself to me- or rather a truth from another place, that you can't trust people. I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around how I wouldn't get the same response from a professional when I couldn't even find words to explain what was going on. I was truly alone.

It felt to me that they were confusing what I was talking about with what I meant in the past every time I tried to explain with my loss for words what had happened. It sounded like they have heard from their friend what had happened but not from me.

It didn't help either that around the time the very thing I had been terrified of originally had happened. I have been blocked. I thought it was because I was too much of a mess for Rafi to deal with. That I pushed it too far mentioning love and speaking of what I would change about the world. I was getting less and less responses back. I brushed it off as him being buisy.

That event sent me even more into a spiral. Not only did I loose the person I cared about the most at the time, but also did I loose the feeling I was trying to find out about it's name. I was stuck alone with a different feeling. One I still can't describe with a direct name. Only multiple ones. "Despair, Grief, Pain, Betrayal, Complete loneliness, Helplesness" being utterly without god or fate or safety and love. Alone. Every time I reached out I was met with the same "let it go". I still do get that message. Throught all of this, that little well meaning sentence has been nothing but unhelpfull and painfull. Reinforcing that I'm alone more than anything else does. Sending me back into a spiral, ruining even the best of my days. Fuck you.

It is sometimes I don't want anyone else in the world to ever have to hear again. It is the opposite of first aid. Just how calling an ambulace would shift responsebility in a car crash so did recommending a mental health professional shift responsebility for the people that caused me this pain in the first place. For the people I was depending on the most.