#DNI TERFs/TIRFs/radfems/transphobic queers

[horseb0y]

This might be controversial to say, but as a trans man, I've never felt particularly identified with lesbianism or the lesbian experience. Lesbianism wasn't part of my coming out experience, because I never ID'd as such or hung out with lesbians due to my environment.

The state I was born and live in is conservative and very catholic, my primary and secondary school were no different. There were very scarce mentions of same-sex relationships. My only recollection was a brief mention in a book from the public education department, but I don't think my teacher commented on it. None of my classmates were openly queer and/or trans. Any sort of indication that someone you knew might be queer was totally glossed over and erased by adults.

I didn't know one of my uncles was gay until I was 15. One of my best friends (most likely) had two WLW mothers but, like those history memes, people thought of them as "really close, loving roommates".

Hererosexuality was the norm and what was expected from you. Any non-normative sexual identity was implicitly considered "wrong".

What may have been my first and only proximity with lesbianism was when I developed a short-lived crush for one of my female classmates on secondary school. But that idea didn't live long because I was still primarily attracted to men, so I didn't think I could be a lesbian, but didn't knew about bisexuality either. So I was a weird heterosexual.

[Side note: I'd love to go into my relationship with bisexuality, but I'll leave that for another post, as it would make this one too messy.]

Anyway, my first real, explicit interactions with queerness were when I was 15 and started high-school. There I had my first friendships with openly queer folks. But even them, none of them were lesbians.

It wasn't until much later, when I started to question my gender identity in the pandemic and began to orbit transmasc spaces where I learned about the historical, close relationship between lesbian and trans men communities. Many of the trans men I'd met originally identified as lesbians before coming out.

Although, I found it wonderful, I also felt weird for not having gone through the same experience. Originally, I thought a lot of men would've had a similar experience to mine, but to my shock, that wasn't the case.

I started looking more into this relationship to educate myself of the history of our communities. I listened to other guys' experiences. While I wouldn't say I know a lot, I still have to educate myself, it has been interesting to read and hear those experiences. And since I began involving myself in my local community, I've had the chance to met many wonderful lesbians irl, most of them trans-nb too. They have a particular drive, strength and a capability of organizing that I haven't seen from other communities; it's completely unparalleled.

Even then, it's still difficult for me to personally identify with their community and our shared history. I can recognize and celebrate it; I owe my existence and my rights to my lesbian and trans men elders; but I'm not sure if I can have a close sense of pride in something I was never a part of, something I never possessed.

I feel the lack of connection from this experience has also made me wary and critical of some measures taken at some lesbian and sapphic spaces, such as "no cis men" policies or "woman and AFABs" type of language in some (but not exclusive to) WLW identified or adjacent spaces. It's a...strange, messy road I walk on...

I have no nostalgia for something that never was. I'm happy for others, but I'm not a part of it, and that's okay. I am me and had my own path to get to the place I am now.

Do any of you feel or went through something similar? I'd love to know.