#DARKDEPRESSION

[kendopath]

so far away....

where are you? where were you?

For many reasons I took a break from Kendo in January, I cut back my training a lot, left a dojo to other leadership, redefined my relationship with Kendo in my life. I was training and maintaining myself for my GoDan test, which was supposed to be in April.  Long since passed, cancelled.  The world I live in, doesn’t look like its going to come back to functioning anytime soon.  This have given me time to heal from my persistent injuries. I’m sure they are still lingering, joint damage doesn’t go away -- ever, it just calms down a bit.  I’ve gotten out of shape, no gym to lift weights --  I think I will probably start training in Isometrics and get back into a functioning mindset.  Its been very difficult. Family has been lost, friends have been sick. The virus is all too near in our environment and it feels like a breeze may just kill me one day...leaving a widow, and my children fatherless, So where do we go now? Where does the path lead?

When the future planning, that once held years....is now down to a matter of days. 

Yes you cannot predict life -- ever.  But future planning requires the ability for the future to exist. Right now everything looks like it will be closed down, with no end in sight. I’m not sure people fully grasp what it is like to live in America right now. Its a daily terror.

30 Million out of work, Millions Sick, Hundreds of Thousands dead...virus infections climbing through the sky, Hospitals filling up, Morgues filled, bodies filling ice trucks...and our government doesn't give a fuck. 

We are on the brink of a massive civil unrest. MASSIVE. There are more and more citizens everyday, with less and less to live for. No Job, No home, No food, no healthcare, and they are watching Billionaires walk away with all of the “help”.....Humans are very dangerous when they are scared, hungry and sick.  If our government doesn’t get their shit together...QUICKLY. I fear for our nation, the unrest is deep rooted and wide spread. 

Far beyond anything that has happened before. I hope I am wrong, but everything I’ve predicted since reading about Wuhan in October has pretty much come to pass....so here we are....entering “America’s dark depression” the vast Economic Depression, infused with the death of millions of citizens. It will take decades to climb out.....

How do I protect my family? How do I continue to fight for justice, the good, the honorable -- when the government lacks all ethics and morals to protect our citizens.  I try to think back to my mental training in Kendo, to be aware of fear, surprise and doubt.....but fuck it is hard to control in the long term.  I have my family, I have my home, I have my health, I have my job....For now.  Is anyone out there?

[xo-caro]

I never really post ever, but this was on my heart for awhile and today just really heated it up-the division, the in groups, the outgroups, oppression, depression, entitlement, hate, blaming, fear, unforgiveness, judging. Today I got in a wreck after just buying my first car on my own that I got last month so you can imagine my disappointment. What happened may have technically not my fault. The wreck, the car, that's not what really phased me. The lady who I wrecked with came up to me screaming and hateful and was very disrespectful and belligerent to me and the officer I called out. Last year I would have been angry and would have tried to argue back, so concerned with being 'in the right'. However, I was quiet, I was concerned if she was hurt, and as much as it killed me I tried to love the person we don't want to love the most in any situation. After all was said and done, I felt convicted. I cried after (I generally never cry) not because of the damage of the cars, not because of the wreck which is an upsetting situation. I cried because I realized how broken this world is. So what if something is your fault? I can very much relate to this because I lived my life way different than this before-always running from 'God', taking the weight of the world on my shoulders, cursed with unforgiving depression which almost led me give up and kill myself on many different occasions because no one understood or I could not put it into words-just sinking. Last summer I had enough-I lost all my friends and I lost everything-I was empty. I didn't understand why all the things society said would make me happy left me DRAINED and LIFELESS. One day last summer someone told me 'God loves you where you are RIGHT NOW' -like" hey Caroline!!! in this moment of you screwing everything up, doing drugs, hurting people, being a fake friend, being selfish, lying, leading people on, being different versions of yourself around different people, striving for the praise of MAN, and idenitfying yourself in men, alcohol,drugs etc--> you are loved." (One of my friends told me this who actually knew and saw all the horrible things I've done throughout my whole life) Next thing I know I'm walking in this nondenominational church, and was blown away by this church- like why is this pastor preaching sound like a motivational speech? And why are these people who are so REAL, so happy, purely genuine and have substance want to be MY friend? I think that also changed my life and my heart. When I was depressed I lived in my own world and now that I look back I realize it. I tried every single medicine- antidepressant, anti anxiety etc and drug/alcohol and doing everything everyone else was doing but I longed for more...but what more could there be? The only reason I'm writing this is because everyone needs to know what we're missing. They need to know that this is not the way- these lies of society- this law of MAN- the longing for the praise of man- this is deception. We are prideful. We are selfish and we judge people and we hate PEOPLE-NOT THE ACTION-we hate people when their sin 'looks worse' than our sin or when their wrong offends us. They are bad and written off. No- they are just as LOVED and VALUABLE as you are. What gave us the authority to be the judge of others? I know I got kind of on a tangent here but we need to wake up. Yeah its easy to hate people when they wrong us and love the person that's difficult to love because you don't know what's going on inside of them-only God knows that just like he knows more about you than you even do. I searched for truth in a a bunch of different 'spiritual crap' that also just turned out to be empty lies.- for goodness sakes I looked up astrology and those magic stones and all of that junk. But this is real. God is real and He loves you and wants you to love one another and he wants a relationship with you aka the part I was missing my whole life(psa and this is coming from someone who went to Catholic school, never had a relationship with God, got nothing out of it, was an atheist for a point in my life, lived a life of darkdepression with no rational explanation for almost 22 yrs of my lifeand tried to fill my cup living the 'fast life' and always turned up empty my whole life up until summer 2k16, im NOO saint, I understand, I've been there but I got tired so fast-I was walking around dead and truthfully the concept of God was my last resort-I thought I may as well call on Him and I literally said "ok God if you're really there, I'm dead inside, I do the things I hate and idk why but I can't stop and I'm in darkness still so if you're actually here for me now would be the time to lmk" and when I actually was open to that and had a little flame of belief that is when someone said something that stirred up whatever was inside the zombie tired body of mine). The day I saw the joy in my suffering(?how could anything good come out of suffering)- being depressed but realizing I was the way I was so I could UNDERSTAND others and MAYBE I can use my suffering and the hell ive been through to help others and see this in a different light-I figured out what my purpose in life was. When I look back out of the darkness I was SAVED FROM(which felt IMPOSSIBLE my whole life), there is no way I would ever go back to the way I was living-I just can't. So I will continue to love those who are the hardest to love. I will continue to be strong on what I know is the truth. I will try to use my love everyday to show people there is hope and help them see all the beauty in themselves that they can't see and are just seeking. I will pray that every one may experience this joy and true happiness in their heart and that the world will begin to change, and I will be patient and persevere. (I really feel like I needed to get this off my heart and share because I see so much brokenness, now that I'm healing I have just been given these eyes that really see). And about that accident, I will probably get writing her a letter just reminding her that she need not carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, highlight the blessing that we were both okay in the wreck, and tell her she is loved because she is one of those people that in the situation was hard to love, but thankfully the old Caroline(who would have yelled back, who cared so much about being in the right and who would have gone and gossiped about how aggravated I was and spread words that kill instead of being life (which I used to have a big problem with bc I admit I've done this a lot in my past)) within me is gone and I was able to see her with my heart. **sidenote- this song really makes sense of my life: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EDAMzpJiXrI