#Cyd's sentiments | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

savinscripts · 6 years ago

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❝ Never before did I feel so bound by the chains of the soul. Never before was there such pain of ripping my heart apart as I ran. ❞

“Are you sure this is what you want, Captain?” General Organa asked Faye for about the third time in their conversation.

Faye, who stood nearby, dressed in traveling clothes with a bag at her feet, nodded. “Yes. I’m no good to anyone here. Not grounded.” Her face was set in an expression of neutrality, but her eyes held something decidedly different. Regret. Pain. Heartbreak. All of the above.

Leia observed Faye closely for a long moment before walking over and tipping her chin up with a finger. Her grey eyes met Faye’s violet ones, searching for all the things Faye wasn’t saying. Searching, and understanding.

Faye looked back at the older woman for as long as she could manage before dropping her eyes. “Please… I-” Faye swallowed. “I need to go.” Because it hurt entirely too much to stay.

Weeks she’d been back on her feet. Medically cleared for active duty for almost half of that time. And still had yet to see the inside of a fighter. Fane - now acting Commander - had kept her grounded. Stating she was needed here, on base. Among other things. Time after time he’d denied her requests to be sent out. To fly with her squadron, to fight. Just as he’d denied any personal requests as well. Their relationship had shifted, it seemed. And whether it was because his feelings had changed in the weeks she’d spent in bacta-sleep, and the following ones recovering; or because of some other reason, Faye simply couldn’t stand it anymore.

She wasn’t going to stay here and be a burden. A weight to be carried by someone else. She also wasn’t going to stay, and keep caring… keep… feeling what she did for Fane, when he obviously didn’t return the sentiment. Not even close. And after one last attempt this morning to get him to send her out, she was done.

After making sure Cyd was secured and Fane would find him - though leaving the little porg behind broke her heart even more - Faye had gone over his head. But for an entirely different reason.

“Granted,” Leia said finally, though there was a tinge of regret there. Faye was an excellent pilot, and Leia knew it wasn’t just being grounded that had fueled the young woman’s decision. But her own decision had been made, and she would stick to it. “Safe journey, Faye. And may the force be with you.”

Faye looked up as Leia used her given name. There were things she felt like she should say, but nothing seemed quite right. So in the end, Faye simply nodded. “May the force be with all of us.” And she was gone.

******

The ship that was scheduled to leave was already powering up. Faye raised a hand at the crew loading things aboard. “Room for one more?” she called out as she came up the ramp.

Things had to change, there was no way they could stay the same and Fane had hoped that by denying Faye’s requests to be airborne they might eventually stop. That she might finally get the point that she wasn’t going to be airborne, because that way it meant that Fane could inadvertently keep her safe. Keep her from having to fly missions that would put her in the potential route of capture again and thus protect himself from having to breach protocol quite so severely in an attempt to go after her and get her out of there because he would. Even now, even with the imposed distance between them he knew that he would always go after her.

The thing was, going after Faye it had been a decision that had risked the lives of himself and his crew and while he didn’t mind so much about the former-- the latter? Even if they had decided they were going to fly along with him it didn’t mean the near-miss that could have been that mission didn’t sit heavy with him just as the idea of leaving Faye there-- He would never be able to do that. Not now, or ever. And that simple fact terrified him. So he’d done the only thing he could do, because if Faye wasn’t around, if he wasn’t around Faye then-- well, he wouldn’t have to dwell on those things and if there was one thing that Fane was very good at it was compartmentalising. Which is exactly what he’d done, he’d shut down any of that emotional progress that Faye may have been working him towards. Tucked it away out of sight and out of mind.

And so Fane had reverted into how he’d been originally, more callous, brash and harsher with those around him. If someone fucked up he well and truly let them know, and very little quarter was given for it and where once there was the cultivation of friendships and potential amicable relationships had been the fast deterioration and breakdown of them. Now, people turned the other way if they saw him coming down the corridor or made sure they never handed him a wrong report lest they face the consequences. The base was more or less terrified of something something wrong unless they wished to be faced with his own personal wrath.

He was in the control room, where he practically lived these days with no Faye around to drag him off he practically ate, slept and almost eternally lived there. The only times he left being to eat and sometimes put in some training drills. It wasn’t healthy, but in a time of war when was there time to have healthy habits? Especially when more often than not you were so dedicated to your duty that you forgot? Scanning one of the datastreams incoming he grimaced, sitting back in his chair and staring at the screen another batch of Order shipments and armaments being sent out. More weapons for them to deal with, they would have to try and intercept them before they could be successfully distributed. Picking up his datapad he was about to send off a few commands when a younger cadet awkwardly approached, fidgeting when he came to a stop with a salute. “Sir--”

“What is it?” Fane all but snapped, short, waspish as he’d grown to be lately.

The cadet spooked, but to his credit didn’t back off though he clearly had the mind to clutching a datapad to his chest with his sweaty palms. “C--Captain Delacroix, she’s just signed on to the flight Roster of the Nexus.”

All that was earned in response was silence, a long and painful silence as Fane stared at the boy his mind running through the list of reasons for this. “Where’s the ship heading?” he eventually asked his tone cool and brokering a point not to deny him what he asked for right in this moment.

“It’s-- it’s um--” unamused and perturbed (though he did a commendable job of masking it with irritation) Fane snatched the pad out of the cadet’s hands. Skimming the flight log a twinge of something set his heart beating just a fraction faster. This wasn’t right. He hadn’t scheduled her to be on that flight… Which meant… Realisation struck him in a second and Fane blinked.

“Ground that flight, right now, it is not cleared for take off” he barked before tossing the datapad aside and heading off for the launch pad where the ship was located. Not running, but at a brisk pace and with a look that parted the crowds in a millisecond.

Faye dropped her bag on the small bunk in the tiny room that would serve as her sleeping quarters for the next couple of days. It wasn’t anything like her quarters back on base, or even on Fane’s ship. But it was only temporary. The Nexus was going to another planet, clear across the galaxy from where they were now. To help supply a foundling rebel base that had found a decent foothold near another Order stronghold. They were in desperate need of anyone they could get. Especially pilots. So Faye was going.

No one needed her here. Out there she could be useful. She could help. She could get as far away from here as possible. Because she was only hurting herself by staying. It had been foolish anyway, to think that he would- that he would let her fly. He wouldn’t go back on his word. Ever.

Yet he had. ‘Don’t let me die,’ she’d begged him. ‘I won’t. I promise,’ he’d said in return.

But she was dying. Slowly. Little by little, a piece of her died every single time he denied what she asked for. Every time he wouldn’t look at her, even though she gazed at him fiercely enough to cut steel. Every time she woke up cold and alone, shaking from some nameless nightmare. Every time she turned to tell him something, but he wasn’t there.

She was leaving before there was nothing left of her.

The ship’s engines hummed louder, and Faye could feel the tell-tale shudder as it prepared to lift off the landing pad. She sat down on the little cot, eyes staring blankly ahead, and tried to make herself leave him behind. Leave him here, on this base, with his… duty, and his missions, and his comms board and reports. All the things he cared about, he would have. And she wouldn’t be here to be a thorn in his side anymore.

He probably wouldn’t even notice she was gone.

Just then, the ship have another shudder, and the engines started to reverse. They were setting back down. “What in the world…?” Faye said, coming out of her head as she felt the ship tremble as it touched solid ground again. Exiting her room, she moved towards the back of the ship where she’d boarded. “What’s going on?” she asked the crew members standing there.

“I don’t know, Captain. We’ve been grounded until further notice. Something about… not being cleared for leave? But… we’ve got all the papers right here…” The man’s ear crackled, and he turned away from Faye as he said something back.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” she sighed, turning to walk back to her room as the ramp was being lowered. “I’m never gonna get off this bloody planet.”

Fane knew well enough where the ship was headed, and that it was set for imminent take off. Later he’d find out that the cadet hadn’t simply been passing by but had indirectly sent by Leia to deliver the update and likely an attempt to kick his ass inadvertently into doing something he perhaps otherwise wouldn’t have. But right now he was doing something, and that something was going to figure out what the hell had gotten into Faye’s head that she was going ahead and ruining all his carefully set out plans… Plans that had all been done in an attempt to keep her safe.

His fingers curled tightly into a fist at his side as he stormed down the corridor, anyone who saw him moving immediately aside less they wished to face his temper. Reaching the hanger he breezed out onto the walkway towards the bay where the nexus had just settled back down the mechanisms clamping down on the ship’s flightpad to secure it there until it was cleared for take off. His approach was fast and NX-06 drifted a metre or so behind him, the black and silver droid whirring as it flew in his wake and signalling the hatch to be opened immediately.

The crew, confused but knowing a direct order when they received one did as instructed and soon enough the ship door was depressurising and lowering with a hiss. Fane walked up the ramp, gave one look at the crewmember stood by the hatch controls and a sharp jerk of his head indicated for them to get off. Was he breaking rank and abusing his power? Maybe. Just a little. But this was damn well worth it.

“But-- commander we’re…”

“I know what you’re supposed to be doing,” Fane cut him off shortly “get off and when you’re cleared for take off you’ll be informed…”

“Bu-” the crewman started but after looking at Fane thought better of his words and nodded for the rest of the crew to follow “yes sir” and with that the group departed with a few final glances over their shoulders. With them gone the ship was quiet, and Fane could only glance around bracing himself against the inevitable as he walked further into the ship.

“I wasn’t informed you were cleared to board this ship…” he said a bit louder, enough for his voice to echo because she was clearly somewhere on this ship and until he knew what the flying fuck she was doing this ship was going nowhere.

It was just her luck that a paperwork mistake was keeping her here now that she’d finally made up her mind to go. Story of her life. One bullshit thing after another. Thinking things are headed in the direction you want, and then all of a sudden… ‘Nope. What the hell were you thinking?’ Life just wanted to fuck her it seemed. With little to no regard for what she wanted.

The ship settled down as Faye made her way back up the corridor. The hydraulic hiss of the ramp lowering was background noise to the sound of her boots on the floor and the movement of the crew as they swarmed around. But one sound did rise above everything. It was unmistakable; she’d know it anywhere.

Fane’s voice. Raised above the clatter of everything around it.

Just like she knew… she just knew… he was yelling at her.

Faye stopped, hand on the door panel of her room, and for a moment she debated going in and locking it. But then her hand fell away, and she turned her head, looking back down the corridor to where she knew he stood around the bend in the cargo bay. When she started walking, it was with a single purpose. Because how dare he? How dare he ignore her for weeks, both on a professional and a personal level, and then think he could just tromp down here, wave his hands around and look menacing, and stop her ship from leaving? When it was already taking off?

Well, she would just see about that, now wouldn’t she?

She turned the last corner, ignoring the way the remaining stragglers of the crew got out of her way. And he was standing there, just as she’d pictured in her head. Looking like he was about to court marshal someone. “I wasn’t informed that it was any of your business what ships I was cleared to board. Other than the ones I’m not allowed to fly, that is.” The bitterness and anger was clear in her voice. “This,” she continued, gesturing around her, “is a transport vessel. And I’m a passenger. So unless your orders trump Organa’s - and I highly doubt that even you could manage to make your way to the position of General in the last half an hour - then fuck. Off.”

Having said her piece, Faye turned back down the corridor, thinking now was the appropriate time to lock herself in her compartment and stay there for the remainder.

Fane’s voice was no more raised than when he typically spoke, despite the internal panic he felt over what she was doing aboard this ship, about where this ship was headed like hell would he ever let that bleed over into his words. Couldn’t admit or show that sort of weakness, but it was loud enough to echo for her to hear him from wherever she was. Of course, he braced himself for whatever was coming but it was hardly anything compared to the short bundle of fury that all but stormed down the hallway from her quarters with a fire in her eyes that would reduce most to a puddle on the floor. Instead, Fane set his shoulders and met her with a level stare internally hoping that none of the turmoil revealed itself here and now and in that instant the stragglers of the crew were forgotten.

As much as he felt that old wash of guilt rise in his chest, the lump of pain that weighted his chest since he’d seen her flat-lining on the surgery table there was something else there. Something he’d hoped that with time would be buried and would fade. That they might both just be able to go on and get over… everything that had been growing between them before it had all gone to hell. Because he didn’t know how to deal with this or anything like this. He’d been trained to survive any situation near enough but this? The feeling as though his heart was just about to beat out of his chest and tightness of his throat? Because it felt like an age since he’d seen her… And in a way it had.

But it had been to try and protect her. To stop her from ending up in the same position that had caused all of this. And inadvertently it had been to try and stop himself from having to feel the same fear that had made him almost null and void at his job; unable to make the hard decisions because all he could think about was Faye in the bacta tank and how sending her on that mission had put her there.

So as she approached, blazing fury and cold sharp words Fane stood there silently. He let her say her piece the pain he could understand but… the bitterness? “Of course it’s my business,” he answered shortly and then she decided to try and get smart, and mouth off. “I know well enough what this is, but why are you a passenger?” But then she dropped the General’s name and that… It brought him up short and some of the confusion appeared on his features. “What-- wait, why did General Organa clear this?” it didn’t make sense, normally such things went through him unless… he blinked, “you went over my head didn’t you? And… What? You’re doing this because you’re bitter?”

She started to turn away and he bristled slightly his fingers curling at his side. Tempted but not willing just yet to go after her.

Staying alive was not the same thing as living. Faye knew that. She thought Fane was coming to see that as well. After everything. Or well… before everything. Before the crash. Before her capture. Before the weeks that followed. Before now. But apparently she’d been mistaken. All he knew was duty it seemed. Duty, and getting his way. Faye was so sick and fucking tired of duty, that she had almost considered defecting and finding a place on some abandoned planet to live out her days alone. Or go back to her parents and be a wheat farmer. Never lay eyes on another uniform, another fighter, another officer ever again.

Because unlike Fane, Faye didn’t have the capacity to push down what she felt. She never had. But she also wasn’t going to make a fool out of herself by staying here and caring for a man that would never feel the same. His job was his great love. His job is was what kept him going. His job is what mattered most. Beyond all else. Beyond her. And it was selfish, yes, for Faye to think that. But she was allowed a few selfish thoughts, wasn’t she? After what had happened? After what she’d been through? The full extent of which she still wasn’t even aware of. And it wasn’t even as if she wanted at the top of the list; she didn’t. She simply wanted to matter. To him.

And she didn’t. Not anymore.

So she was taking what was left of her heart and her pride, and she was going. Far, far away.

Or at least she was trying to. Goddamn him.

“Why is it your business if I decide to leave? Which is, for your information, why I’m a passenger. I’m just a liability here. I’m going somewhere where I can be useful. Somewhere I can be a pilot again. Somewhere far away from you.” That last bit was truly a dig at him, but not something she could help in her current state. The confusion and slightly startled look gave her a brief flash of pleasure as it crossed his face. But then there was the undercurrent of having possibly hurt him that followed quickly after. Faye pushed it away. He’d been hurting her for weeks. He deserved to get back some of it.

She watched as confusion quickly led to realization. “Took you long enough. And you’re damn right I did. I’ve been asking you for weeks to put me back in a fighter. Weeks, Fane. And you haven’t so much as let me touch a fighter. You think I was going to ask you about this?” She gestured sharply, indicating the ship. “Why bother? I did what I had to do.”

Faye had already turned to walk away when he cast out his last comment. But she paused, hand on the corridor wall. She was bitter, yes. A little. But he was dead wrong if he thought that’s why she was doing this. She didn’t turn around. She barely looked over her shoulder. Instead, she turned her head just enough that he could hear her. “I’m doing this… I’m doing this because I’m tired, Fane.” Some of the fire had gone out of her voice, and her shoulders slumped a bit. But the determination to see this through was still there in her voice, though it shuddered ever so gently.

“Tired of… care- waiting,” she said, instead of ‘caring.’ “And getting nothing in return. I’m done. Please… just let me leave…”

There were realisations that Fane had slowly been coming towards before everything had gone pear-shaped, of course there were, but it was those same discoveries. Those same feelings that had brought about his subsequent inability to function when she was gone, when she was in captivity and he was expected to carry on. To get on with his job and let her go, because as good a fighter pilot as she was. One Captain in the larger scale of the war counted for rather little. And he’d broke rank and countless other codes to go after her. To get her back. But to what cost?

And this was just one of many areas in which they differed, where Fane saw this as compartmentalising to get his job done Faye interpreted it as his not caring. But wasn’t that exactly what he’d been attempting to get? To maintain distance between them? Because he’d come to realise the only thing that had changed and compromised his ability to function in times of stress, to make the hard decisions that would potentially sacrifice lives for the greater good in a crisis. That had been impaired. But what had changed? Only Faye’s presence and her influence over his thoughts and opinions, and while her being here had helped… When she wasn’t and when she’d been taken, there was barely any structure or coherency to his mind and to his work. That singular fact, the fact he needed her to function smoothly these days and how that dependency terrified him was the main reason behind his behaviour, because just as he’d had drilled into his head from a young age. Caring got you killed. Those you cared for? They were a liability. Fear, dependency and all those other things that Faye had been encouraging him to accept and recognise were the very things that had been drilled home that made you weak.

Case and point, his dependency on Faye had left him untethered and a mess.

And he never wanted to feel that again. So he’d done the only logical thing, which was to distance himself from the person who created that dependency.

“Why?” Fane was admittedly a little taken aback at that, “it’s my business because I brought you back here-- I’m the one that got you back. Risked my crew and everything to get you back… You told me not to let you die… So that’s exactly what I did, at whatever the cost” he paused staring at her unflinchingly. “And now you’re just-- what? You’re leaving because I’m trying to keep my word? That’s--” he didn’t have the words for how ridiculous that was, how unfathomable and how he hadn’t ever considered that she’d do this because of his actions. His jaw tensed as she confirmed she’d gone over his head, his head tilting towards the door trying to fathom what in the universe would make Leia agree to this.

But her footfalls stopped, and his eyes turned back. Not that she turned to look at him or that her explanation helped matters. Though he did note some of the edge left her voice, not that it eased the tension in his own posture “I don’t understand,” some of the earlier brittleness in his voice had eased leaving his words softer in that moment as he stared at her back not moving forwards even if he wanted to because he didn’t. “I don’t understand--” the frustration was growing a little more evident then “you made me swear to keep you alive, you told me-- You told me to keep you alive, and I have done… I’ve done everything in my power to make sure you survive this and yet you still do this?” He waved a hand, similarly to how she gestured earlier to the ship “you died Faye, don’t you get that? You died--- Your heart stopped and--- for a moment, you were gone. I’m not… I’m not going to risk that, I’m not willing to risk that happening again... I promised to keep you alive and I’m damn well trying to do exactly that because you deserve better than this damn war.”

As much as Fane had come to depend on Faye - though at the present time, that was the furthest thing from Faye’s mind - Faye had come to depend on him as well. She was happier when she was with him. She felt that maybe after things were over, there would be something to look forward to. Maybe. He had become the solid base around which everything traveled. Even though she didn’t think he knew that. She’d never said as much, but she’d always tried to show him. Because Faye’s mindset was nearly the opposite of Fane’s: caring meant you had something to fight for. Someone. Caring meant you had a reason to come back alive from every mission. To stay alive when all hope seemed lost, and when all you had to do was give up the ones you cared about, and the pain would end. Because the pain of losing them, of betraying the ones you loved and knowing it ended in them coming to harm, was worse than any pain that could ever be inflicted.

Caring meant knowing that if you didn’t fight, you would lose everything.

Faye thought he was starting to care. Before things went to shit.

He returned her words with some of his own. Telling her how things she alread knew. “I never asked you to come after me!” she said. “I had made my peace with dying in that place. Because I knew that no matter what they did to me, no matter how much they hurt me… they would never find you. Because I was never going to give you up.” It wasn’t clear in how she said it, but when Faye said ‘you,’ she didn’t mean the rebels, nor did she mean the base. She meant Fane. They would never find Fane. He would be safe. For a time at least. And it was that thought that had settled her heart with what she had believed to be her imminent death.

Faye’s violent expression turned to one of harsh confusion. How was this mean to- “I did… yes,” she pushed on. “I know I did. And you did too. You kept your word. You kept me alive, Fane.” More than he would ever know. “You kept me alive, and I’m fine now. I’m standing here in one piece because of you. Because of what you did for me…” Her own voice softened just a bit as she turned to face him again. “I’m alive… but this not living.” Be it the fact that she felt like a bird who’s wings had been cruelly clipped too short, trapped on the ground while she watched everyone else fly away; or the fact that she felt things for Fane that she could never hope to explain, things that ran too deeply, were too firmly imbedded in the very essence of who she was… things that would never be returned… it wasn’t a life. It was existence. That was all.

Before she could say anything else, Fane pushed the advantage of Faye having to draw a breathe. This time, what he had to say did put a stopper in anything else she might have been waiting to scream at him. A big one. There was no mistaking the change in her expression, the way her face went from defensive and angry to something that bordered on disbelief. And perhaps fear. “Why…” she tried to say, but had to stop. She licked her lips, a hand going to her hip as the other rubbed over her mouth. “Why are you telling me this now?”

Faye stared at him, hurt replacing the fear in her eyes. “It’s been…” She shook her head, blinking. “Six weeks? Maybe more? Since I woke up? The doctors they… they never said…” They had never said anything to her about a cardiac arrest. Just that she had been very sick for a long time, and about the surgery to remove the shrapnel from her spine. That’s all.

The dream… the cliffside… the urge to go or stay… was that-?

Something struck Faye right at that moment. “Did you… did you order them not to tell me?” Her anger was rising again. Behind the hurt there now sat a feeling of betrayal. And what he said next didn’t help ease it at all. “You won’t risk it?” The incredulity in her voice was unmistakable. “It’s my life, Fane! It’s not yours to risk!” she yelled at him, not caring who else could hear them. “You kept your word. I’m alive. But you are killing me by keeping me on the ground. By-” She cut herself off again, stemming the emotional overflow before she said something she would truly regret. Because some words she would never let see the light of day.

“By letting my friends, my squadron - my squadron, Fane, not yours - go up without me. Risk their lives without me. And for what? So your record for keeping your word can go untarnished? So your ledger is clean? All the boxes neatly ticked?” Faye shook her head. “You hold no more claim over my life than you do theirs.”

Liar…

“So please… put me in a plane… let me fight - because none of us deserve this war - or... let me go…”

Let me go, so I can let you go...

As typically intuitive as Fane could be, when it came to the emotional department of things he needed things to be laid out starkly. Black and white, no subtle shades of grey or hints at things that might be. He worked on a spectrum of definite to aid an almost clinical level of action in times of crisis, do or die, fight or give up, right and wrong. His senses were finely tuned to assess a situation, but at the cost of noticing or picking up subtle hints of feeling or emotion in a conversation or another person. Faye had seemed to understand that, and despite the occasionally frustration it had caused been able to see that he’d been trying. She was the one who’d brought him into the fold here after all, the one who’d had faith that he’d be loyal and that he would stay despite everything. He was still here. But there was only one reason for that.

And now that reason was threatening to leave.

It wasn’t something he wanted, nor would he allow. Even if he had to break every fucking rank in the book. Call him petty if you would, but it was simply in the quest of doing his damned best to keep her safe.

“You may have made peace with it but I hadn’t!” he yelled, similarly having no care for who might hear what he had to say. “Listening to you--- Trying to talk to you but getting nothing but your words over the comms, being able to do nothing but sit there and-- Listen while those troopers debated whether or not there was any point at all in breaking you out of that wreckage. I was never going to let them have you, and I never will let them have you. I don’t care how many empires I have to tear down, I will keep you safe and I will keep you alive whatever the damn cost.” They were dangerous words. Compromising words. He was willing to endanger mission and so many other things if it meant keeping her alive.

“Then why are you doing this?!” a hand swept through his hair a frazzled wildness creeping into his features, unable to comprehend why she was doing this when all he’d been trying to do was to keep her safe. “And what? You just expect me to be alright with just sending you out there again? Out there to get shot down and maybe this time not even make it to the point of being fished out and patched up? To be okay with being able to do nothing but sit there wondering if you were dead. I can’t do that. I’m sorry, actually no-- I’m not sorry because I wish I could but I can’t do that… Not again.” But then everything for a moment went silent, the whirr of the control panel and hiss of the cooling systems of the ship the only noise hanging between them as the confusion clouded her face and it was only then he realised.

She didn’t know.

Of course she didn’t fucking know. Just his fucking luck.

Raising a hand to pinch his nose, Fane screwed up his eyes trying to make sense of this new development. “I thought you already knew.” But if she didn’t know about this-- then what else didn’t she know about. Rubbing his eyes before letting his hand drop he wrapped an arm around his waist. But then she was hurtling off an entirely new tangent and he could only stare at her blankly “what? No! No, I didn’t order them not to tell you anything. I said go easy on you but-- I never ordered them to do anything just to tell you when they thought you were ready.”

“It is every time I green light a mission for you,” but then she went right on to claim that grounding her was killing her “how is keeping you safe killing you? This isn’t for my damn reputation, fuck my ledger this is for my goddamn sanity! Because sitting there and listening to you be taken, standing there and watching you fucking flatline and being able to do nothing but stand by and watch destroyed me.” There was no care anymore for what he said, too frustrated to be willing to watch what he said “so yes, that’s right I am not willing to risk it, risk that again. So no, I will not let you go because this whole damn time I’ve been trying to keep you safe and letting you go to any other base just--” he huffed a short sharp breath. “I’m sorry Faye but no I’m not letting you leave on this shuttle.”

Faye was usually quite adept at picking up on what Fane meant, even if he didn’t say much. And where he was black and white, Faye’s world was a thousand shades of grey. She had tried to explain how she saw the world to him before, but it was simply a different mindset. Not one that was wrong, just a different set of beliefs than her. But she’d accepted it and they’d moved on.

Moved on to screaming at each other in the cargo bay of a transport shuttle, all because neither of them could understand the other. And because neither was willing to tell the whole truth. The real reasons behind there actions. Faye because it would hurt too much. Fane because he didn’t know what it was he felt.

Though Faye was starting to get an inkling. A tiny dust mote of clarity as Fane went on about his reaction to her crash and subsequent capture. It tugged at her heart, tightening her chest and her jaw as she did her best not to let it sway her. Not to let it affect the decision that had already been made. But what he was saying was such a dichotomy to how he’d been acting. “But... you don’t even… you don’t even talk to me anymore. You haven’t talked to me in weeks. Other than to tell me what I can’t do. I don’t... “ She didn’t understand how he could stand there and spew such… fiercely protective statements at her - because that’s what they were - yet be so cold and distant. Perhaps had this been a calm conversation she would have realized. But it was far from it.

“Why? Because what good am I to anyone sitting on my ass? I just told you… my people are up there, fighting and dying and if I was there too more of them would come home. This war is about more than just me.” It was a rich statement, coming from someone who had endured weeks of Order torture for the sake of one person. But in the moment it was easy to forget, if only for second, how she had felt. And to not even think Fane might possibly feel the same way. Two months ago, before all this, she might have believed it. But now? She wasn’t sure what to believe. Only that perhaps his refusing to let her fly, refusing to acknowledge her personally, weren’t the only reasons for her going. Because it was about more than just her now. Maybe. She didn’t know for sure yet. And if Fane wanted nothing to do with her… well… leaving was best.

“No, I didn’t know!” she said, utterly incredulous as she went on. “All they told me was that I was really sick for a long time… there was shrapnel near my spine and they took it out. I went into the tank after that.” Her expression said that was literally all she knew. Honestly, it was all she wanted to know. If there was more… she was alive, so details didn’t really matter now, did they? She sighed heavily, believing him in this at least. Though it didnt’ surprise her that the doctors had taken his words to heart and left out one tiny detail. What was dying anyway? If you came back?

“It’s killing me because I am useless unless I’m up there. At least you get to stand in a room and have some idea what’s happening. I have to watch them fly away… and know nothing until they come back. Or until they don’t. It’s killing me because I know I could save some of them. That me being here means someone won’t come back. That’s not bravado. It’s fact.”

Faye opened her mouth to say more, but Fane pressed on again. This time, that tightness in her chest turned to a searing pain as he admitted what watching her die had done to him. It had destroyed him, he told her. Not upset him. Not scared him. Not broken him. Destroyed him.

Fane didn’t choose words like that from nowhere. It wasn’t a bargaining tool. It wasn’t to get her to see his side. It was the truth. Finally he came to a halt, and even though she hadn’t been speaking for a good bit while he spilled everything… she was breathing nearly as hard as he was. So many thing formed on the tip of her tongue. So many words, so many rebuttals, so many angry dismissals and threats. But when she was finally able to open her mouth, the only thing that came out, the only thing that mattered, was:

“Why?” One word. Simple enough. She let in hang in the air between them. Over all the words they’d both said. Over the hum of the engines. Over the shuffle of people outside trying to listen but not be heard. Over his refusal to let her fly or let her leave.

Over everything.

“Because seeing you-- being around you, all I can think about is how pathetically useless I was because I could do nothing to help you, to get you to wake up and the things I had to decide if only to save your life. Because I-- I look at you and I feel guilty and that I didn’t do enough to keep you alive.” His jaw clenched, twitching slightly in his agitation “I promised to keep you alive and yet you still died Faye. For a time you were-- you were gone and for one of the only times in my life I was terrified. I was scared, I still am scared because any moment now… Something like that could happen again, I look at you and I just see you on an operating table bleeding out and I feel helpless to do anything but stand by and do nothing, do nothing but feel like a part of me is dying too.” He turned away then, angry at himself for even admitting these things and feeling foolish for it in the process. There was no way he could stand still and he slowly started to pace “I-- don’t know how to function with that-- I haven’t been trained to deal with that, I don’t have training for that or this. All I know, all I’ve ever known is you distance yourself from things that do that do you. So-- I did the only thing that made sense, the only thing I’ve been taught to do and maybe that’s selfish, maybe I’m selfish because I don’t want to feel that pain again but can you blame me? I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.”

“Maybe to other people it is!” he shouted, his calm disposition entirely thrown out the window. “But all I think about these days is trying to keep you safe from it.” He clamped his mouth shut, stopping by the window of the shuttle and forcing himself to stare hard out of it for a moment to try and recollect himself. To try and salvage some of his typical patience but in his frustrated state it was hard. He was still staring out the window as she admitted to not knowing, and a glance at her reflection in the glass served as answer enough to his silent wondering. Raising a hand to rest against the hull of the ship he grimaced at the window. The thing was, there were more details beyond the fact she’d died which only served to complicate things all the more.

He knew she had a point, of course she did, but it didn’t mean he had to like it or acknowledge it for the time being. Wetting his lips and pushing off the hull having somehow salvaged a little of his typical calmness his hands shoved themselves deep into his pockets having moved a fraction closer to her then but her final question. One word. One word after he’d all but told her why. He could only stare at her blankly. “What-- what do you mean why?” he looked perplexed and a tad frustrated, “I just told you it’s because I couldn’t do anything to save you-- I-- don’t understand?” and he truly didn’t because on matters such as these Fane had no idea what to say or do.

For a moment, Faye got even angrier. For a moment, she thought that everything he had done, everything he was saying, was because he felt guilty. For not doing enough. It probably showed on her face, because he pressed on without stopping. When he turned away, Faye could only stare at him in rising disbelief. She took a step forwards, her eyes never leaving him as he paced. Several times, her mouth formed words that wouldn’t come out. Because what he was describing, the way he felt like a part of himself had been ripped away when she died, that was how she had felt when was certain she would never see him again.

Like she’d lost something she’d never get back, and dying would be much, much simpler than living with that sort of agony. “So… you’ve been pushing me away… all this time… because you’re scared of losing me?” To Faye, that made no sense. He was afraid to lose her, so he distanced himself? She took another step closer. “No, I don’t blame you at all,” she said quietly, still not quite believing what she was hearing.

She fell quiet as he did, all her vicious rebuttals and diatribe falling away. Even the news about her doctors keeping things from her didn’t matter at the moment. That was done, and she was alright. What mattered now was everything that Fane was saying Faye had already realized about herself. In what she felt for Fane. Some of the specifics were different of course, and some didn’t apply at all, but the basis of what he was telling was the same. So as she asked why, Faye wasn’t truly certain what she expected him to say in return. She was new to this, as was he, though she knew herself to be far more emotionally aware than Fane.

As vehemently as he’d just ticked off the list of reasons behind his behavior - basically admitting that he couldn’t bear to lose her again because it would kill him - Faye knew then that if he had know the answer to her ‘why,’ he would have given it. So perhaps it was too much in it’s simplicity. Too broad a concept, or too narrow, for a man who only knew black or white. What had happened to her had hurt him deeply. When things hurt, you pushed them away. So they couldn’t hurt you again. Feeling such things left you vulnerable, made you act in ways that could compromise everything. Fane didn’t do vulnerable. And the mission was the priority. Until it wasn’t. Until something eclipsed it, took his focus so quickly and without a care for anything other than his new objective - her - that it had scared the hell out of him.

And he ran. Figuratively.

But he wasn’t running now. He was standing right here, telling her she couldn’t run. With his hands in his pockets looking so lost… so uncertain. And just a little bit scared. Scared of losing her.

If she hadn’t already loved him, she would have at that moment.

Before he could utter another word, Faye closed the distance between them. And when she kissed him, it wasn’t with gentleness, or after asking permission, but all at once and with nothing less than a desperate reverence, claiming him for herself no matter what happened next. No matter if he returned her feelings, no matter if her suspicions turned out to be true and both their lives would soon be irrevocably changed, no matter if all the gods in the heavens plotted against them from here on out. No matter what, for right now, he was hers.

They broke apart, but she didn’t pull away. She kept hold of him, leaning her forehead against his, not an easy feat with their height difference. When she spoke, the words poured out before she could even second-guess them.

“I think… I think you just might love me, Commander. And that’s good… because I’d hate for the feeling to be one-sided…”

“Because it hurt, I’m scared because it hurt Faye, it physically pained me, made me feel sick to see you like that and-- I hate feeling like that because I don’t know how to deal with it.” Fane drew in a measured breath before puffing it out shallowly “you weren’t here Faye, you were in that tank and I was out here for weeks without a clue if you’d ever even--” he trailed off, shaking his head because he didn’t want to think about that. Had spent too long thinking about it as it was.

So as he turned back towards her he didn’t know what else to say, or do and despite the way he loomed over her his shoulders had sunk back and his eyes lowered because he hated things like this. Hated feeling like this, but what else could he do? But still he worried about the things she didn’t know, the things that would impact her life in the future and things that she might have wanted but potentially would never get anymore. All in the quest of saving her life. But all that counted for nothing, not as she asked him a question that should have been simple. That most would have likely been able to answer in a heartbeat but stalled him entirely and left him standing there looking both frustrated, perplexed and lost simultaneously. A look that clearly said I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know what you want me to say.

But she didn’t ask anything more, instead moving to remove any and all distance that may have existed between them and no option was given to say anything even if he wanted to. The instant her lips met his own though his thoughts and former preoccupations melted away, temporarily dwarfed by the thought of how good this felt. How right it felt and the overwhelming fear it provoked in him about the warmth that blossomed in his chest from such a simple act. He kissed her back, hands falling to grip her tight as his mouth grew demanding, wanting, needing more because it felt like he’d been starved of air and was finally able to breathe again. It was a struggle not to step in, to push her back and claim everything he so desperately wanted but finally they were forced to break apart though her hands kept him close. Her words caused him to blink and a wash of unfamiliarity to come over him.

But as unsure about it as he was-- As terrified as the prospect of feeling that way was, he pushed his fear down for the time being. Maybe there was time for him to be selfish after all “you think so?” he asked, voice low as he held her close.

“Mmhmm,” she answered. “Everything you just said… all those… things you don’t wanna feel? I already feel all of that. I’ve been feeling it… I just didnt’ realize what it was until I thought I’d never see you again.” Her fingers stroked along the base of his neck. He was warm, and his hair was soft. And Faye hadn’t realized the full extent to which she’d missed this… missed him… until right now. Until she was holding him again.

“Every time you pushed me away…. Every time you… wouldn’t just… talk to me… it was like a knife shoved right through my chest. Everything we’ve shared. Everything we’ve been through… it felt like none of it mattered. Like I was just another… mission. And that wasn’t something I could keep living with. I couldn’t… love you… and stay. Knowing you didn’t feel the same.” She let out a breath. “Maybe it was selfish, or even cowardly… but that’s why I was leaving. And because…” Faye stopped. She wouldn’t tell him here. There were too many ears about. So she kissed him again, a bit more fiercely this time, letting herself get lost in the way he tasted, in the way his mouth felt against hers.

Her hands slid down under the edge of his collar, and she gave it a small tug of frustration as it wouldn’t budge aside. “Too many layers…” she breathed, needing to feel him as close as possible as soon as she possibly could.

Her admission made him open his mouth to say-- something, anything but when he tried to wrack his brain for a reply he could only come up woefully short. What was he supposed to say to the fact she was clarifying what he was describing as a concept he’d never known, seen or experienced. Love was a foreign concept in the Alois household, growing up all he remembered were the raised voices and arguments between his parents over this and that. His mother left more and more often, until one day she took a long-term post and Fane distinctly remembered standing on the launch pad watching the shuttle take off. Little did he realise it would be the last trip he’d see her look so healthy.

Her fingers slid through his hair and it was a struggle not to groan at how pleasant the feeling was, such a simple affection yet it meant the world and everything more to him. But hearing her admit how what he’d been doing had hurt her some of the warmth grew colder. A sadness filled his eyes, regret and guilt reflecting there. “I didn’t know how,” it wasn’t an excuse it was a plain and simple truth, he didn’t know the words or have the capacity to talk about these things. They just-- they weren’t something he was good with. She seemed to have more to tell him, but before she could and before he could get another question in she closed the space pulling him down and effectively shutting him right up and he all but melted under her. To say she had him wrapped around her pinky was an understatement, it was just another reason he’d avoided her.

Because he knew she’d be able to change his mind if she set hers to the task.

He didn’t stop himself from groaning, the sound lost between the press of their mouths and the way she started tugging at his clothes which were neatly pressed and in pristine order. Though Faye much preferred when they were strewn over the floor he knew. “Not here,” he reluctantly pulled back, leaning against the bulkhead for a moment and closing his eyes to try and regain some of his composure because-- well, he wasn’t sure whether this or anything more than this was entirely safe… And until Faye was cleared (as awkward as that conversation would be) he wasn’t willing to risk hurting her any more than she had been. Not that she knew. “Get your stuff,” he said quietly the seriousness of what he needed to tell her helping push down the giddy rush that was tempting him to give in to his desires. “Then we’re getting off this ship.”

Faye would never claim to have any sort of hold over Fane, though it was undeniable that there was a connection between them. Something unprecedented. Which was another reason it had hurt so much to have that connection suddenly severed. At a time when she needed it - and wanted it - most. But to find out that it had all been to protect her made her dually angry and grateful. Because in a way, Faye understood. Even if her way of protecting those she loved was to keep them close, not distance herself.

“It’s alright.” Her breath was warm against his face, and her touch was one part desperate hold and another part gentle caress. “I wasn’t sure about it myself… not until I thought the Order would be the end of me. Then all I could think of was you. And how much I was going to miss you. It tore my heart out. But… I knew you would be safe for just a bit longer if only I could hold out until-“ Until either she died of her injuries, or they killed her. Rescue had never been a thought.

When she kissed him, there was nothing else that mattered but that. Just the two of them and the desperate need for connection. For reconnection. Though they were both a bit uncertain as well. Unsure how to go from here. Because as much ground as they’d gained, some had also been lost. It would have to be retreaded. Not an impossible task at all,early one that might take some time. Faye was reluctant to let go when Fane gently pushed back. But she could feel that her desires were reciprocated, and as he voiced his concerns she remembered where they were.

“Alright… just… one second, okay?” Her fingers stroked down his lapel, and she smiled at him before going to get her things. Taking a moment as she shouldered her bag, Faye closed her eyes. Moisture ran down her cheeks. But this time they were happy tears. She dashed them away before turning back to where Fane waited. “Let’s go home,” she told him, looping an arm through his.

Fane shook his head, a silent request for her not to say it because a part of him didn’t want to hear the fact she’d never thought rescue was an option. Because-- as much as he wanted to say otherwise, it was the truth. Fane had pulled a major stunt to even get off world to go after her at the first possible lead they had uncovered and that had resulted in a risky mission that they had pulled off by the skin of their teeth. But it had come at a cost, come at the risk of her life and it had cost her, her life and then some. She knew some of that now, but it didn’t ease the nagging, gnawing issue that sat with him right now.

His fingers tightened a little against the bumps of her spine, feeling the firm bone under his fingers as they pressed into her skin. He wanted to reconnect, just as desperately as she did but-- there were hurdles yet to be jumped through. Revelations that would complicate things and make it hard to see how things would work but-- he could only hope that with time they would be able to manage it. Fane kept ahold of her until the moment she finally pulled away and even then it was reluctant because the last time he’d let her go it had only ended badly. Whether that was the night she left for the mission or the moment she woke up, both had been atrocious times regardless and now that Fane had a hold of her-- he never wanted to let go.

“Yeah,” he said quietly, feeling a little breathless as her hand brushed the straight line of his dark jacket (forever in his combat gear even despite the humidity of the planet) and the pressure of her hands against his chest was reassuring. He let her push off him then, moving to fetch her things and as she looped their arms he found himself relaxing just a fraction. “Yeah-- let’s,” he agreed moving towards the ramp where a few of the crew-members lingered suddenly trying to look busy and as if they hadn’t been snooping entirely on what had just gone down on the shuttle with their commanding officers.

Reaching his quarters in the middle of the base wasn’t hard, and Fane thumbed the door shut behind them once they entered. “D’you-- um, want anything to drink?” he’d need water for what was to come he knew that and his mouth was already feeling a little dry in fear of how this would go down.

Sometimes the things that were left unsaid echoed loudest of all. So as Fane shook his head, Faye knew he understood what she couldn’t bring herself to voice. Because they both knew the truth of it. That her life wasn’t worth risking everything the rebellion had worked so hard for. That no one else would have come for her. And that Fane had… that spoke loudest of all. Fane, who stood by the rules always. Fane, who never faltered where other’s could see. Fane, who was stoic and straight-laced and unbending. He had tossed it all aside to come for her. And his crew had followed. Faye had thanked them too, a few days after she woke.

She didn’t know details, because none of them would tell her. Perhaps Fane would at some point. Or perhaps she was better of not knowing. Either way, Faye would never forget or take for granted what he had done for her. And now that she knew why he’d been acting so strangely the last few weeks, something inside her locked down even tighter. Over the part of her that wanted to see him happy. That wanted to see him safe. That wanted to love him, if he would only let her.

The pressure of his fingers across her spine drew a low moan from her throat. She’d been without touch, without contact - other than the doctors and nurses during her recovery - for so long that there was no helping the way she was already molding herself into him. And when she pulled away - however briefly - she felt the loss, the way her body wasn’t ready to let him go just yet after so long. His own reluctance was palpable, and Faye gave him a look that she hoped would ease his fears as she went to get her things. She was back quickly, and they shared one more brief moment before leaving the shuttle. Faye only glanced at the lingering crew once, a hint of pink touching her cheeks as she realized they’d probably heard everything. But there was nothing for it.

By the time they got back to his rooms - Cyd fluttering excitedly to see the both of them - Fane had relaxed a bit. But there was still a tension there that Faye couldn’t place. She shook her head at the offer of a drink, setting her bag down and shuffling out of her jacket. “No… I just want this…” Leaning up, she kissed him again, though they were barely in the doorway. Not as desperate as before, but there was still a hint of urgency there. Her fingers found his collar again, fingers nimbly flipping the buttons out of their clasps as she worked her way down the front of his jacket. She had no idea he still had things to tell her; important, vital things. Things that would change her forever. Change them forever.

Ironically, there was still something Faye believed she had to tell him. Also something that could change him forever. Change them forever. But it could wait. It wasn’t going anywhere, after all.

It would be an uphill battle to convince Fane of the things Faye wanted, not because he didn’t want them but simply because he wasn’t used to having them or even having people who wanted to give them to him. Faye’s insistence that he focus less on duty and more on looking after himself and that the world wouldn’t implode if he would only take five for himself. To convince him otherwise would take time and it was questionable how much either of them truly had left considering Fane had a rather huge bounty still hanging over his head. A bounty that would likely end up torture and death if he was ever caught.

In any other situation, in any other world Fane would have said screw the people outside right then and there. But there were overriding thoughts on his mind now, things Faye needed to know and things he needed to be assured of before they even thought about the things either of them truly wanted. So while he was tempted Fane merely took a moment to right himself before creating a little amount of space between them so Faye could go off and fetch her things.

Fane glanced at the bird where he fluttered, looking overjoyed (as overjoyed as a little bird creature could) at the sight of the pair of them and he chirped excitedly. Fluttering over to land on Fane’s shoulder but Fane lightly nudged him off not that the bird seemed fazed instead fluttering over to the counter where Fane was filling up a glass. He heard rather than saw her jacket land on the floor, already having an idea in his mind what she wanted and as he turned around to speak Fane’s mouth partially open in the process of forming words that got silenced as Faye leaned up and sealed her lips against his. The warmth and slight edge of desperation of her making him feel a little weak-kneed as he set a hand on her waist before forcing himself and her back “Faye-- Faye, stop” he craned his neck back trying to put some distance “we need to talk.”

Faye could have a single-minded determination about her that was hard to overcome. It was what made her a good pilot. A good soldier. A good friend. And it was what made her a pain in so many people’s side as well. Her persistence. Her drive. Sinking her teeth into something and not letting go.

Right now, she very much wanted to sink those teeth into Fane. Figuratively speaking, of course. She’d been too long without any sort of contact, without any affection, or without someone to simply hold her at night. She’d been alone for weeks. As a captive, then inside the tank, then in the medical bay, then in her own quarters. Though at least there she had Cyd from time to time. Even now the little bird fluttered around them before finding a more suitable perch than Fane’s shoulder.

But Faye wasn’t concerned about the porg. As much as she loved the little creature, Fane was the only thing on her mind. Feeling his skin beneath her hands, warm and soft and alive. And not hating her… Her mouth found his, and she could feel him react, but instead of kissing her back, he gently pushed her back. Faye went, but not without some confusion. Looking up at him, her cheeks flushed and lips slightly swollen, she frowned. But desisted.

“Alright….what-... what is it?” Because Faye had no idea. Though what could possibly be worse than her dying she didn’t know. “I guess I… I should tell you something as well. Before we go any further. But… you first.” Faye looked at him expectantly, trusting that whatever he had to say, whatever it was, it would be alright.

Fane knew very well that Faye could be determined, just as he could also be of the same mind and once either of them dug their heels in it was hard to get either to shift their stance. Not without a good argument and solid reasoning would you ultimately get either one of them to budge. So Fane understood, recognised why Faye was so persistent and determined in re-establishing, securing and reassuring the tentative bond that had been forged prior to everything that happened. He understood why she felt compelled to act on these things, and he would have been lying to say he wasn’t tempted by those very same urges himself but there were bigger matters at hand than what either of them wanted.

He recognised the confusion in her expression, but thankfully registered no hurt. Good. Hurting her wasn’t what he wanted to do right now and he very much wanted the same things as her, but until this was discussed it was better they waited. So Fane took a moment to put her at arms length, enough to get her to understand that now wasn’t the time for jumping each other’s bones. Not like this. Not when there were still unknowns to be factored into the picture.

So as the floor was opened up to him, Fane was left wondering how the hell he was supposed to explain this of all things to Faye. He opened his mouth, to tell her the truth but shut it and screwed up his eyes in frustration looking up to the ceiling as if seeking help from some higher power or another on how to do… this. Ultimately, Fane sought out his datapad tapping through it rapidly until he pulled up her medical charts from the operation. “You should--- read this, come sit with me” he eventually said nodding over to the end of the bed walking to perch on the end and once she joined him passed over the pad for her to look over.

Maybe she should have slowed down a bit. Maybe they should’ve talked a bit more first. But Faye was loathe to lose the momentum - slow though it might have been - that they had gained. On top of a revelation like the one that had just passed between them, without any sort of dismissal or disregard, Faye felt that desire for him like a physical pain. Much like she had over the last several weeks, though much more intensely now that she knew the reasons behind his behavior. Because Fane always had a reason. There was never any ‘just because’ in anything he did.

So as he asked her to wait, she did. Even though none of what she felt died down, she made the effort to hear what he had to say, because it had to be important, whatever it was. Faye frowned, however, when he seemed at a loss. What could be harder than the things he’d just told her in the transport?

She began to feel slightly uneasy, and her hands balled together over her middle. When he pulled the med charts, that unease grew. But she sat down beside him, looking at him for a short moment before taking the pad. Faye cleared her throat, unsure what she was supposed to see. “I don’t… I only understand about half of what all this is,” she told him honestly as she flicked through the images. She recognized what it was, obviously - the log of her surgery - but some of the terms and procedure notes were lost on her.

That didn’t stop her from scanning though, pausing here and there to look at one thing or another, but it wasn’t until she started reading over the final dictation of the physician that her frown deepened. Her finger paused, and she scrolled back up to the surgical progress log, paused again, and then came back to the final set of notes. Her face had paled a bit in the interim, her jaw tightening, and her head started to move back and forth as she was even more confused. Like Fane, she opened her mouth several times to try and speak, but had to stop and recenter herself before any words would come out.

“I don’t, um… I don’t… understand.” Her eyes still moved over the chart, but they weren’t seeing the records anymore. There had to be a mistake. How could she be…? If they had…? The realization hit her all at once, and white noise started to fill up her ears.

“I… how could they… why? Why would they do that and then… not tell me? For weeks? I thought…” She pushed up from the bed, covering her mouth with a hand as she moved away. It felt like the world was tilting on it’s axis, and she had to brace herself against the wall or risk falling over right there. There was no way to describe what she felt right now. No way possible. To have something you didn’t even know you wanted snatched from under you… something that had never even existed in the first place… without the possibility of ever getting it back again…

Faye felt like a fool.

And it was all suddenly too much.

She swayed for a moment, but managed to sink to the floor on her own. There was a long moment of silence where Faye simply sat there, leaned back against the wall, staring blankly. Well… if it was a time for revelations…

She didn’t move, didn’t look up. Just let the words fall out in a weary breathe of air.

“I thought I was pregnant…”

As Faye took the chart from him, his hands fell to clasp loosely in his lap fingers locking and fidgeting a little as a nervous habit to ease some of the uncertainty about how she would take the news. He didn’t know how to put into words, how to tell her he’d had to make this decision on her behalf. So as she asked what she was supposed to understand Fane pressed his lips together “just-- look through it… I’ll explain more once you’ve been through it” he said quietly watching her in his peripheral as she flicked through the screens and notes that accompanied the log of the procedure. Only as she started to go back up and down, her confusion evident did he figure it best to explain prompted also by her saying she didn’t understand.

“The wound you took left shrapnel in you-- it got lodged in your spine and they had to operate to take it out” Fane said knowing she already knew this part of what had happened. “The thing was-- while you were,” he paused nose scrunching a bit in a grimace “while you were in captivity that went septic and the rest of the damage you took in the initial crash… The infection, it ate its way through you… By the time we got to you… You went into septic shock.” His voice as he spoke was eerily calm, almost detached but if the way he had to pause every now and then to regather himself to explain what had happened was any indication of how hard it was to tell her this. “I don’t know why they didn’t tell you, they should have… And barring that I should have… But I thought you knew and I thought you’d hate me for having to make that decision without being able to consent or consider it yourself… But… it was either let them complete the operation and remove the septic tissue--” his palms shifted then pressing together as he looked down at the floor watching her move and sink down by the wall “or it was letting you die.”

He finished and finally he lifted his head, eyes seeking her out as he looked at her across the distance of only a few metres that suddenly felt more like a chasm. He felt cold, but she had a right to know. “It’s why I don’t… want us to rush what might’ve happened” he explained meaning their initial heated reunion back in the shuttle and then here in the kitchenette area. They both grew quiet, lost in their respective thoughts before Fane got up and moved to slide down the wall until he sat beside her his legs stretched out infront of him. He didn’t say anything for a few moments, until she said what she’d thought had been the case. The words caused him to look back down at his hands a knot of guilt and regret tight in his stomach leaving him feel ill and having no idea how he was supposed to offer her any sort of comfort right now. He had no idea how to comprehend or understand what it was she was feeling. “I’m-- sorry,” it probably didn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things but it was said softly barely a breath “but-- you deserved to know the truth and-- I’m here, whatever-- whatever you need. I’m right here.” It felt feeble, but what else could he offer her in a moment like this? He simply didn’t know.

Faye wasn’t quite sure how to feel either. Angry, afraid, lost, sad, confused… empty. So many things rolled into a muddled miasma of emotions. She had no idea where to start unraveling them. No idea at all. Part of her wanted to be angry with Fane for making such an important and life-altering decision without her consent. But it was only a small part. The other part couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been for him to do such a thing, knowing what it would mean. And yet another part loved him fiercely for making the choice to save her life. Because the truth was, she would rather be alive than dead.

And while it would take some time for the full impact of his decision on her behalf to sink in, Faye still felt the loss acutely. And she still felt like a fool.

She listened as he explained what had happened in detail. The facts as they were. Or had been. When he was done, Faye could only nod and continue to stare at the floor. A feeling of numbness had settled over her. Her hands were clasped about her middle as she searched internally. Nothing felt different. But it was. Completely and utterly different.

“Not your fault. Thank you… for saving my life. I can’t… I can’t imagine what making that… that choice… must have been like.” But she still couldn’t look at him. “It was another reason I was leaving,” she said after awhile. “Because I thought… you didn’t want me… how could you possibly want-” Her voice caught in her throat, and she couldn’t say anything else, only fight back the tears that threatened with every tightly controlled breath.

A few slipped through, and Faye let them fall, not caring at this point whether or not he saw her cry. “Can we just… go to sleep now? Please?” Her head turned every so slightly, and she looked at him from the corner of her eye, hoping he wouldn’t leave her by herself. Not now. Not tonight.

Fane didn’t know what else he could do or say to make any of this better, the guilt was something he still felt and something that felt wedged in his gut now that he’d told Faye the entire truth of it. There was also the fact he felt bad for making her feel a fool, even indirectly having caused that reaction in her ignorance over what had occurred. But now he felt a responsibility to do what he could to help her come to terms with this, to help her in whatever way he could.

He could only sit beside her quietly as she thanked him. He didn’t want her to thank him. He didn’t deserve her thanks. What was her thanks worth when he’d had to take such a fundamental and potential part of her future. A choice that didn’t feel like one that was his to make yet one he’d made regardless because of his selfish desire to not lose her. To keep her alive. To keep her here with him for even a single day longer because what was life going to be like without her? He’d gained a taste of that when he’d seen her ship go down on the monitors only for it to almost destroy him when he realised she’d die out there all alone and no one would do anything about it.

Her words broke off and Fane moved his arm, gently wrapping it around her in a one-armed hug. He didn’t judge her for crying, didn’t think any less of her for it and as she asked to go to bed he nodded his head a fraction. “Yeah-- c’mon,” he had no intention on going anywhere not when she was in this state. A flare of protectiveness rose in him then, feeling the need to stay with her through this. Slowly he helped her up, “let’s get you out of this gear-- get comfortable yeah?”

Faye knew Fane well enough by now to know that his unspoken feelings about everything would most likely remain that way for awhile. She didn’t blame him. She wasn’t even angry with him. Not really. How could she be? He loved her. And he’d been tasked with an impossible choice: save her life by taking away her ability to make life. Faye only hoped that one day he would see that she didn’t blame him. That she would rather be here with him, than dead and gone.

Because if not for him, she would never have survived as long as she did. The longer she held out, the longer she let the Order think they might get something from her… the longer he was safe. So Faye let herself cry, not expecting anything from him in terms of words of comfort. Not that he didn’t care - she knew he did, very much - but just as he was already thinking: what was there to say?

Eventually they got up, Faye still hiccuping softly as her tears died down to a feeling of numbness. She let herself be moved across the room, not protesting as Fane started to help her out of her traveling gear. She wanted to ask him if he truly would have hated it, hated her, if she had been with child. But she also didn’t want to think about it anymore. Because if he said no, he wouldn’t have been upset, that might almost be worse. So she kept her own council, and when she was undressed to only her underclothes, Faye crawled under the covers and pulled them up around her face, waiting on him to join her.

Perhaps it would have been easier if she was angry with him, anger he could comprehend. Could understand and come to terms with. The silence and quietness that was presented to him now was-- well, frankly Fane didn’t know what to do with it. Normally silence didn’t bother him, he preferred it in fact but this silence felt more forced than the one he was used to that often settled between them. It felt heavy, with words left unspoken words he didn’t know what or how to say but it was what it was and Fane was trying his best to deal with it accordingly.

Faye crying was just another thing that left him feeling pathetically useless, for not knowing how to comfort her as she needed right now. Other than the gentle wrap of his arm as he pulled her against him, letting her cry and not saying anything. Holding her tight and right here was all that mattered until it was a matter of moving and slowly Fane helped her up, keeping her close in case her legs failed just as they had earlier. He made short work of her clothes, but there was no intent behind the touch of his hands beyond getting her to a state of comfort. So he stripped off her jacket, her boots and the worn material of her trousers. Softly touching her hip to encourage her over to the bed once she was just in a loose tee and her underwear not wishing to invade her privacy too much regardless of what they might’ve been doing had he not interrupted her when they had arrived back here. He lifted the covers as she crawled under, his mind only intent on looking after her right now. No thought was given to the other things that might linger, those would come later, in the time he lay awake thinking back over everything that had happened.

Finally, once she was under the covers Fane moved to crawl up the bed letting his weight drop down. He hesitated, but after everything that happened figured she wouldn’t mind too much as he let his arms slide around her waist pulling her back against his front and burying his nose in the tangle of her hair breathing her in deeply. He’d thought he’d never get the chance to ever do this again. So he rested there, but Fane found himself wanting to say something so after a while of softly nuzzling against her and holding her in the tight wrap of his arms he felt compelled to apologise. A lump lodged itself in his throat before the words tumbled out quietly. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...”

The last thing Faye wanted was for him to continue to distance himself. The last six weeks had been torture. Not being with him. Not even being able to talk to him, let alone touch him or hold him. Faye had hated being angry with him. Every single minute of it. And had she been thinking a bit more clearly at the time, she might have been able to suss out why he was acting in such a way. But it didn’t matter now. The truth had been told. On both their parts. And as heavy as Faye’s heart felt for the things she had lost, and for the pain both she and Fane had been through, she felt another weight lift from her shoulders.

And as Fane folded his arms around her, Faye let herself lean back against him, soaking up the warmth she had so desperately missed. His breath was even warmer in her hair, and for a moment Faye closed her eyes and focused all her thoughts there, on the points of heat that told her they were both alive, and they would get through this. They had survived worse.

Her tears had stopped when he spoke again, and the words made her eyes sting. She sucked in another breath, and gripped his arms tightly where they circled her waist. “It’s alright... Her voice was watery and soft, and she turned slowly in his arms, not wanting to break his hold on her for even a moment. She stayed close, and her fingers traced his face gently. “It’s alright… it’s not your fault, love…”

There were no more words left to be said, so Fane could only hope that the tightness of his arms wrapped around her pulling her flush against his body, removing any inch of space that otherwise might have existed between them would be enough to tell her he was here. He was here and he was staying, for as long as he could and then some if it was possible. Occasionally his face shifted, but for the most part as they lay there he buried himself against her nosing her hair and breathing in the lingering scent of wildflowers from the planet outside. He did feel the need to apologise though, the words sitting heavily in his chest and even saying them didn’t alleviate the heaviness weighing him down.

But she gripped his arms, and the sound of her voice broke his heart more than he thought would ever be possible he wanted to stay here but he loosened his arms just enough to allow her to turn and when she had he tightened them again. Bowing his head he kissed her temple his eyes closing tight as her fingers brushed his face and a shuddering rush of air left him at what she chose to say to him, at what she chose to call him. It was too much, and Fane didn’t know what to do with any of it. Ducking his face he hugged her, a silent tremor rattling his bones and a part of him wanted to cry but nothing came of it only the deep breaths and occasional shake of his body. He would sleep eventually but for now he was too overcome with everything that had happened between them.

Nothing Faye said was meant to hurt, or make him feel guilt, or feel anything he wasn’t ready for. She merely couldn’t hold it in any longer now that it had been said. She loved him. She loved him so much. And while she felt so many things, so many overwhelming things, all at once… that love was over top of it all. Holding everything else in place, letting her know that it would be alright. Letting her tell him that it would be alright.

Because it would be. It might not seem like it at the moment. But they were both here. They were both alive. And they were together. That’s all that truly mattered. Right? So she held him close as his arms tightened around her again. He shook, but Faye didn’t think he was crying. Not like she had. Even if he had been, she would have held him through it anyway. As it was, she could feel his breath shudder against her neck. It was warm, and Faye could tell he was trying his best to control it. Her hands pet his hair, and she murmured soft nonsense words into the warm space between them, trying to soothe him as best she could. “It’s alright… ‘s alright… I’m here now… ‘m not going anywhere ever again…”

After a while his breathing evened out, slowly but surely as the things he was thinking and feeling started to settle down. He pressed his face into the space under her jaw, his brow resting against the press of her collarbone. In any other situation he would’ve felt embarrassed for someone to see him this way and a part of him did still feel the lingering gnawing scrape of his own failure. His own inability to regulate what he felt and it was a failure in his mind that he had to be this way. That he didn’t know how to let another, even Faye, hold him as he tried to process all the things that felt like they were drowning him in that moment.

For a while he lay there silently, his face pillowed against her and arms wrapped tight around her body in a protective snare loathe to ever let her go. He let out a long breath, burying himself against her as she continued to pet and hold him in kind ultimately his eyes started to drift closed. “Stay,” his words were spoken quietly, muffled by the warmth of her skin “don’t leave,” because he was so tired of all of this. Of war. Or pain. Of the constant risk of well and truly losing the person that.... As Faye had pointed out earlier, the person that he truly loved.

Faye closed her eyes and simply held him. She knew the level of trust it must take for him to be this vulnerable. Even with her. Fane wasn’t cold, or cruel. Though the no nonsense demeanor he displayed more often than not, especially when on duty, could sometimes make people think that. His crew knew better, having known him the longest, but even then Faye doubted they had ever seen him like this. Raw and open and bleeding and not knowing how to make it stop.

Because Fane felt things acutely. Deeply. Things he wasn’t sure how to deal with or process. And it wasn’t his fault. Not for one second was any of this his fault. Faye knew some of his past. The rigorous way in which he’d been brought up. He’d been made into a soldier. A sentinel. A tool for the Order. And there had been nothing else.

Until that night they’d met on Canto.

Until now.

“I’m not going anywhere ever again,” she whispered, stroking his hair back from his brow. Because Faye was weary to her bones as well. Of this war that she was starting to think they couldn’t hope to win. How much would they lose, how many would die, what would it cost? Only to fail in the end anyway? Faye wasn’t sure she had it in her to die again for a lost cause. “Unless you’re with me.”

There was a long pause, and Faye considered her next words carefully. She didn’t have it in her to commit treason, or desert her post completely. Running away and hiding was the coward’s way, and tired or not, Faye was no coward. If she was going to leave, she would leave on her terms. And do it right.

“Would you come home with me?” she asked quietly. “To my planet? One day?” It was a loaded question, and not necessarily a fair one to ask right at the moment. But Faye needed to convey her wish for something other than the war. Something other than fighting and hiding and dying. Her wish to have a life, a home, and- Her thoughts cut off there. A family wasn’t possible, at least not in the usual way. Though those sort of things were ages away in the future, if she lived that long. But her desire for the other things, a life beyond this, a life that included the man in her arms, was no secret.

She pet his head. “You don’t have to answer right now. ‘S just a thought.”

The stroke of her fingers through his hair soothed him, and Faye made no move to unwrap himself from around her, why would he? When she was the only thing he ever wanted to hold onto. The only thing that mattered anymore, above this war, above their other comrades the only thing he’d fought to try and protect with everything he had. Even if it had been at the risk of losing her entirely in the end? “Then let me fly with you, my crew and yours together.... I can’t stay on-world when you go off it, I wish I could but I can’t listen to you lightyears away and be stuck unable to do anything about it,” not again.

They both settled it seemed, in the silence as it stretched out between them and Fane remained buried against her his breathing slow and deep each inhale letting him breathe her in. But a measure of tension went through him as she finally spoke, come home? He didn’t have a home, not anymore, not unless they included his ship in the list of places he considered home but before he could question further she clarified and Fane wasn’t sure what to make of it ultimately. What was there to make of it? To come to her home planet, no one had ever asked that of him and he had never expected to be asked it. He didn’t know what to say, or what to think because there was a larger scale implication held in that question.

Because she was asking him to stay, not just for now or for the near future. She was asking long-term and a warm rush of air escaped him. So he took the time to think about it, the time needed to process and try to come to terms with how genuinely monumental it was to be asked that. But ultimately, Fane could only nod the movement small before he drew away just enough to be able to look at her unsure and hesitant but-- “yes, if-- if you really want me to,” because Fane wasn’t sure what that sort of trip might end up happening to entail. Her planet he could deal with but-- the people? Her family? Fane wasn’t sure what to make of it.

“Alright. Where I go, you go. And where you go, I go. I don’t want to be away from you either.” After so long in captivity, and then so long in recovering from her injuries, and then the weeks following, Faye felt like she’d lost so much time. Missed out on so much.

She felt the way he tensed as she asked him to come home with her. Faye knew it was a huge request. That it was asking for more than just now. More than just the immediate future. It was asking for… however long they had. Perhaps it was too soon. Too soon in their relationship, however one wanted to define it. Or even too soon after her injury and now his revelations of its true extent, when they were both still so emotionally raw and vulnerable. But she couldn’t help it. She wanted it. She wanted him. And everything that came with it

Faye waited patiently, not expecting him to even answer as soon as he did. He could have waited days, weeks even. But when he did, she pulled back as well, meeting his eyes. “Of course I do,” she told him softly. “I um… I haven’t been back in years. I’d like to visit my parents. But… you don’t have to do that if you don’t want. I know it’s… I know people make you uncomfortable sometimes. My parents are very…” Faye smiled warmly. “Welcoming.” Her smile faded just a bit, but only to something softer. “I think they would like you very much.” But again, that was a while away, and he could come home with her without meeting her family. If it was too much. She wouldn’t pressure him. Her face tilted forwards slightly, and she pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “But we should rest yeah? You especially. You look like you’ve been up for days.”

Perhaps it was too soon, or perhaps it wasn’t. Either way they had both made their choices and both ultimately threw their lot in together. After Faye’s injury and the very real, very present fear it had struck into him it was hard not to want to rush. To just go all in and say yes to whatever she wanted, but it also went very much against everything he so typically stood for. His stoic hard-pressed nature to be the one to weather even the worst storms but for once, he’d been knocked asunder and he just didn’t know what to do. All he did know was that having her here, wrapped up in his arms, safe, made some of that fear ease.

Though as she mentioned her parents, visiting them, that was another big step and a flicker of doubt crossed over his features. Uncertain if he was quite so sure about that part of the suggestion, parents were a rather dodgy topic for him. Not that Faye knew the true extent to things Fane never having felt so inclined to truly share the hardships of his life, not that he viewed them as such. Just lessons, schoolings that had turned him into the person he was. “I’m-- not sure,” he finally said after a while the uncertainty plain to read in the answer and so it was left at that.

His head tilted up, just enough to press his lips lightly to her own and shift ever closer his arms tightening around her snugly. “Yeah, please,” he didn’t offer an answer to her point of him looking like he’d been up for days. It had possibly been even longer and Fane didn’t want to think on it. So he settled down, pillowing his face into the crook of her neck and just breathing her in until it started to even out, fatigue washing over him until he practically passed out a few moments later.

Faye felt the same. Mostly. That maybe it was too fast, or maybe it wasn’t. Either way, Faye couldn’t imagine any sort of future without Fane in it. What else that future might hold, she didn’t linger over too long. She just knew that there would be no existing without him.

Which is why she would never pressure him when it came to things she knew he might not be ready for. Going home was one thing. A planet was a planet. But her family? Her family was something else. Faye didn’t know much about Fane’s parents, other than his mother was deceased. But he didn’t talk about them. And she didn’t ask. So when he finally answered her, while just a tad disappointed - not in him, never that, but in the fact that she might not get a chance to introduce the man she loved to her parents, who she knew would like him - Faye nodded. “Alright. We’ll talk again, hm? When the time comes. If you still don’t want to, it’s okay. I understand.” And she did.

She kissed him softly as he turned his lips to hers, and petted his hair again as he settled back down. Faye hummed quietly, staring at the far wall as she listened to Fane’s breathing even out as he finally settled into sleep. She lay awake for a long time, just holding him, and thinking of all the things she’d lost and gained in the span of a few hours. A few moments in time. Finally, she drifted off as well, and slept.

#star wars au #scene

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