#Coony's ramblings

[clumsyraccoon]

Just finished Arcane and...damn what a wild, beautiful ride <3

Also, I want to be perceived like a shadow entity with glowing gold eyes as well

[moonraccoon-exe]

(1)Btw Coonie, I'm crying at that last post. Those tags, Coonie please don't berate yourself. I know I'm the last person who has the right to say anything like this. Remember one of my firts asks? About Ignis and Gladio with the self worth issues? And I said I wasn't doing well? I never told you how bad it was. I was suicidal, Coonie. I wanted to take my own life that day. I still struggle with things every day. Bad BG, I tell myself. BG screwing everything up as usual. TBC

Ah…my own words against me, smacking me like a shovel in the face. Like I needed, that’s the best part, hahaha!

*sigh* Wow…I’m sitting here speechless. Yesterday I had my answers, but I wanted to wait for today when I was in a less negative color. And now that I sit here, dealing a little better with the guilt and this situation, I can just smile and tear up at the same time and I’m not sure how to react.

I’ll add a read more, buddy, hope it doesn’t bother you.

Like Peridot, I owe you an apology. More than one, and not the sort where I hate on myself; just an apology, not because I think I did wrong and I’m this and that, just because I do owe it.

I’m sorry that you projected yourself there. All I’ve tried to do when it’s the case is to help people to help themselves to heal. Projecting and bringing back a bad side of yourself that hurts you, that’s not help at all. I want you to project the better side, the one that’s always there and you just neglect sometimes, not the one you already know. 

I’m sorry I made you cry, whether because of how you projected yourself there or because it saddened you to see me talking that way. I thank you for the concern, but I’m sorry for the possible tears and the pinch in the heart. I didn’t mean to talk about myself like that.

And lastly I’m sorry I did talk about myself like that. Again, this isn’t the “I’m sorry I’m an idiot :(” sort of apology, it’s the objective “I’m sorry, I was an idiot.” You’re not selfish by accepting the apology, as I’m not doing wrong giving it, and you know that. 

What can I say?

Thank you for opening up to me about your intimacy. But I’m profoundly sorry it had to be like this; that what I said was awful enough to drive you to open up about this, maybe as some sort of last resource. I’m sorry I drove you there, but I thank you nonetheless for doing it. Reaching out to me was already incredible enough, but doing it with this intimacy, I’m not sure I deserve it, and I thank you profoundly, as intimate, for it. Thank you for sharing this, I know it must have been terribly hard.

You’re not the last person who has the right to say all of this; it’s because you KNOW these thoughts that you’re one of the best to have said something on it. That you haven’t gotten over your sadness/depression doesn’t mean you can’t encourage someone about it. Just because Sam is ten meters from the surface doesn’t mean he can’t encourage Jerry to swim up his two meters, and be happy about it, to give you a bad example parallel to the one yesterday. Your own words against you now! :)

I’m sorry you were suicidal, buddy. That’s a very hard thing to digest…and it only reminds me how glad I am that you’re here. In my blog, I mean. What would I have been without that little ray of sunshine and warmth? Maybe not suicidal, but less happy, that’s for sure. You add to my joy, with both silly and not silly things.

So thank you for not leaving, for not having done that. The world is so pretty with you in it, and there’s so many wonders for you yet to see and discover and hear, you don’t want to miss any of that, do you? Besides, on the selfish side, you make me happy. And like I told you, you’re a good person; why would you take a good heart like you away from the planet whenit most needs of kindness and good? 

Thank you for existing and living, Breakfast Girl. You don’t need to do anything “big” or in society’s “protocol” to be more than worth it. I forgot the saying in english, but I like a lot a phrase that I want you to take:

“It’s good to be great, but it’s greater to be good.”

:)

University diplomas, an “important” career, money, beauty…pscht. They’re good, yes, but you don’t NEED them to be good. Being great goes beyond what we’re expected to be, or what we’re told that it is. The greatest “Great” is being good. And you are, buddy. You’re a good person; kind, and sweet, and caring. With a heart the size of jupiter. 

I don’t know why you listen to those ugly thoughts, but I think they’re allbullshit and wrong. They see you from the inside, and have you tried to see from inside a skull? IT’S DARK! YOU CAN’T SEE FROM THERE, WHAT DO THOSE THOUGHTS KNOW, THEY CAN’T EVEN SEE YOU! >:(

But I can. And I don’t mean visually, I can see you even better than that; precisely because I can’t see you visually is that it’s easier to /sense/ you. And I sense a good heart, kind, and a bit broken, but not beyond repair. Just gotta fill those cracks with some gold, and it’ll be prettier than it used to be. :)

So next time those thoughts come you shrug them off and remember they’re just throwing insults in the dark. Wtf brain you’re inside my skull, you can’t see ME, so fuck off! You’ll say next time, and again and again whenever they appear. You’ll see how realizing that what the bully is saying is bully-shit, it loses any damage it has on you, and bully gets tired of doing it so it just leaves. :)

I digressed ( ´ ▽ ` )

I do am a bit scared that that anon I was rude to was in a delicate situation too; I don’t know what I’ll do if I know I worsened a depression or someone’s issue with self-worth or confidence. That’s what’s got me so petrified and terribly guilty; I know that it remains a safe place for everyone else, but what I concern about is that one person. Like, I don’t worry about my blog, 95% of my followers didn’t see that post, and the other 5% understand I was in a collapse, so my blog and myself are in no risk.

But what about that one person? Feeling attacked, like they bothered me, maybe even hurt. Hurt, very surely. That’s my concern, not my blog as much.This IS and will always be a safe place, for everyone, except that oneperson, and that’s what worries me. I can accept they dislike me from now on and such, I don’t mind, I just want to know they are okay. :’(

Your entry really did smack realization into me like a train running over my face out of nowhere. And I needed that. You’ve knocked sense into me, and honestly I can’t thank you enough. 

It’s like I told Peridot in an ask just some minutes ago; feeling guilt is normal, but I can’t let it eat me out like this. There’s a difference between having a wound and having a wound that I constantly poke and make worse. That it hurts, it hurts, but it’s on me to decide how much it will do so, if naturally, or worsened just because I wanted to worsen it. 

I think that I’ve done my part. While I don’t justify any sort of harm, I’ve already explained my emotional collapse more than once, and maybe it won’t justify it but it’ll explain it. That the other person decides to understand or not, it’s not on me to control. I’ve apologized, more than once. I’ve offered the apology; that the other person takes it or not, that’s not on my control. 

I’ve done all I could, the rest is none for me to do or control. And while it does drive me crazy sometimes, I’ve done what I could, and I should learn to be at peace with that enough, let the wound heal as it shall, and stop poking it.

You’re right; I’m doing more good than bad. Poking the wound and letting myself stay in this state and worse will only rot me from the inside, and then, for the one mistake I did, I’ll stop doing the other 99 good things, and that can’t be. It was wrong to have done that mistake, but it’s precisely because it was wrong that I should be learning to not do it again instead of letting that murder the rest of the good things.

I’m doing my best, my own way. I can’t be perfect; every hero, as small or great as they are, slips once, twice, a couple times, but a slip doesn’t mean they didn’t walk those other hundreds of steps successfuly.

*deep breath*

I’ve rambled a lot here, Breakfast Girl, a lot of what I’ve been trying to think lately, so this is full of little and big mantras, hahahaha. Lots of thoughts that try to put me at peace. But some if not all wouldn’t have settled properly in my head had you not made me write them down properly.

So thank you, buddy. Thanks a lot, thanks greatly, thanks enormously. This time it’s me who doesn’t have the correct or enough words to say thanks, or how this has helped me. 

See how you don’t need to be on the surface to encourage someone to continue swimming upwards? 

((if I could, as a 30 cm tall klutz of a raccoonie, so can you, right? You keeeeep sssswimming! :) ))

How do I say thanks enough, BG, buddy? I don’t think I can. Just know that I’m very, immensely grateful, from deep within my heart. :)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

May the stars give you three times as you’re giving to me, all this kindness, care, support, and, mostly, all this love and happiness. I’m not religious, but I’ll still ask the stars and dear cosmos to help me with those good vibes to enlighten your life as it deserves to be enlightened.

Thank you, buddy. And think that if you had taken your life that day, you wouldn’t have knocked sense in this raccoonie yesterday/today, and this raccoonie would be struggling 100 times more with the current sadness. You’re not saving my life only beecause I’m not suicidal, but hell, are you helping me. And the best part is that you’re not pushing me up; you’re smacking my face and making me realize I can stand up myself. Which I think is better, and more helpful. 

What I want to say, buddy, is that this single situation and event and this single one thing you’ve done, didn’t make you great; it showed how great you already are. Because you’re great because you’re good. Worded as I worded it; read that last sentence again if you need to understand it better. :)

I hate to hit that Post button because I feel I still need to write 1,000 more Thank Yous, but if I did that I’d never finish, haha!

Thank you, thank you, and thank you again, buddy.

I hope you’re having a most fantastic day. :)

[clumsyraccoon]

Just finished the series "This world can't take me down" (Questo mondo non mi renderà cattivo) by Zerocalcare and damn, now I have the mighty need of buying all his comics and complete my collection.

[clumsyraccoon]

This morning at work I was thinking about Kusakabe and his relationships with students, and especially with Hakari. I picture Hakari as one of those really good and smart, but also just driven by his own motivations student (the one that gets the "he's smart, but doesn't apply himself" from the teachers), and it's something that drives Kusakabe mad most of the times. Yes, he became a teacher because it was less dangerous, but also because I think he's good at it and with his teaching he found out that he can be usefull and help his students with his knowledge. I think Kusakabe wants to prepare them at the best of his possibilities and skills: he may be not be as powerfull and strong as Gojo and Nanami, but he can still teach valuable and important things to the next generations of sorcerers. I think their relationship would be kinda conflicting most of the times, but in a "healthy" way: I picture Kusakabe as a good judge of character and the patient teacher that, instead of a direct clash, would try his way to understand and get in tune with Hakari.

[clumsyraccoon]

(Making a post because I wrote it in some tags but I realised that maybe it was not the best choice)

Ehi everyone! Hope you’re all having a good day 😊 I wanted to apologise for (kinda) coming back, but not being very “social” (especially on discord): inspiration and passion are slowly coming back (yay!), but at the same time social anxiety skyrocketed at levels I haven’t seen in ages. I want to try and take things step by step because I don’t want to repeat past mistakes, so I'll probably be more on the lurk side of things atm. ^^''

[clumsyraccoon]

Coming back to life after a week of sadness and an addiction with Golden Kamuy and gooosh I really loved reading it. Liked basically every character, story and pace were perfect, and the art (especially landscapes and animals) was stunning! Some of the things in the ending left me a but "meh", but overall a very good reading! Probably gonna re-read it at some point, because as per usual I gobbled down all the chapters without breathing XD

[clumsyraccoon]

I aspire to be like Laios Tounden one day

[clumsyraccoon]

reading Kaku’s wiki page to dust all the info about him and apparently he’s a living lie detector (he can tell if someone’s lying by cheking the pulse) and I’m here thinking about the implications of it.

[clumsyraccoon]

Hiii Coony! I should come into your ask box more often >:3c

For the AU mash up thing, if you're still in the mood for them - 10 & 42 with Kusakabe? <3

Fanfiction trope MASH-UP

Hi Lale, thank you for sending in! ❤️

Airport/Travel AU + The Big Damn Kiss + Kusakabe

Kusakabe isn't sure if Ijichi being sick is more of a blessing or a curse. All he knows is that he is currently sitting behind the steering wheel trying to make conversation, while accompanying you to the airport.

Of course he wants to spend all the time he can manage with you (especially if there are little to no people around), but now that he is actually alone with you? Apparently all his bravado jumped out the window the moment he turned the engine on.

But the drive proceeds smoothly, the chatting being light and relaxed, and you arrive at the destination, his confidence almost completely back. Almost.

He helps you unload your baggage from the trunk and escorts you inside the building, the excuse of keeping you company 'till it's time for you to check in. A coffee, a pastry, one little visit to the toilet, and a lazy and mostly uninterested stroll inside the shops. All while trying to convince himself that he can do it, he can do it!

The security checks queues are closer and closer, until you both come to an halt just a few meters from them. You turn around to thank him and you're about to say goodbye when something inside of him clicks: he can do it.

He does it.

Eyes fixated on your lips, he slighlty lowers his head, waiting for your reaction...and when he catches you closing your eyes and parting your lips expectantly, he nullifies the small distance in an heartbeat.

He's doing it. You're doing it.

At last.

[clumsyraccoon]

Kusakabe with bookshop au and grief fic? 👀

Fanfiction trope MASH-UP

Thank you for the ask Bas! ❤️

Bookshop AU + grief fic + Kusakabe

Reading and literature have always been a family interest: your grandmother passed the passion down to your father, and him passed it down to you. You all have always been avid readers and book have always been integral part of your life, trips to the book store the best reward for any good grade, birthday present, anniversary.

But all of that seems meaningless now that your father is no longer with you. A year has already passed, but you haven't touched a book since: every tome bringing memories to your mind, ache to your heart, and tears to your eyes.

You're on the verge to give up on it when one day you casually find yourself in front of a little bookshop you've never noticed before: the exterior is quite anonymous, no details nor sign giving up its nature, if not for the name of the place, "Hazy Moon Novels". However, what really catch your attention are two hairy forearms gently placing a rare, illustrated edition of your father's favourite book in the shop window.

And maybe, the rough around the edges yet kind-hearted owner is the right person to help you heal find your love again, in its various meanings...

[clumsyraccoon]

Kusakabe doesn't have a particular taste in music, he can listen to almost anything: from pop to classical, from jazz to folk. As long as he puts him in a good mood, everything is fine.

He is, however, a fan of good movies, both Japanese and international. Probably hates blockbusters, especially those series that have like a dozen titles: he likes good stories, be it sad, happy, romantic or advenuorous. (So no Human Earthworm for him XD)

[clumsyraccoon]

CHARACTERS WRAPPED 2023

top 9 characters I loved in 2023

X Drake (One Piece) -> Smoker (One Piece) -> Kaku (One Piece) -> Gojo Satoru (Jujutsu Kaisen) -> Fushiguro Megumi (Jujutsu Kaisen) -> Zenin Maki (Jujutsu Kaisen) -> Nanami Kento (Jujutsu Kaisen) -> Kusakabe Atsuya (Jujutsu Kaisen) -> Higuruma Hiromi (Jujutsu Kaisen)

Thanks for the tag @bas-writes! I wanted to include a couple of Chainsaw Man characters as well, but I just finished the first arc, so I guess I'll keep them for wrapped 2024 XD

(gosh I'm bad at tagging): uhmmm @quinloki @eustasssimp @heyitsdoe @swampstew @kazieai and anyone who wants to do this!!

[clumsyraccoon]

Rewatching JJK from the beginning and man it really hits differently 😭

[clumsyraccoon]

First Dungeon Meshi, now Golden Kamuy...why do I have to become hungry while reading manga? 😂

[clumsyraccoon]

The hysterical image that popped up in my head when I thought about Drake (233 cm - 7'7½") being a sub to my OC (155 cm - 5′1") :’)

[clumsyraccoon]

@basilisa-scorpii asked: Would plant monsters [from Dungeon Meshi] count as vege safe?

That's a super interesting question! I'll try to be as clear as possible and make sense of the ideas I had: I'm not very good at explaning my reasoning/thinking, so sorry in advance if this is messy! 🙏🏻

Assuming here one choses to be vegetarian because they don't want to hurt animals, in our world is easier to draw the line between animals and plants. But what about the world of Dungeon Meshi? According to the dictionary, a monster is a "creature": what defines a creature? The fact that it is a living being? The fact it has consciousness? Has thoughts? Feel pain?

Even if we consider only the exterior appearance, we can encounter problems: for example, walking mushrooms. Ok, I know they are not animals nor plants, but they have legs and can walk: can we consider them more like plants ore more like animals? Same thing can be applied to dryads: they take a human-like appearance and act like a sentient being (Imo actively attacking means the being have some sort of intention: even our "carnivore" plants have just passive mechanisms and traps), but they have buds, flowers, and reproduce via pollen. Are they plants? animals? something in between?

I think we are more safe to label mandrakes and man-eating plants as, indeed, plants...but they're still considered monsters, so what is that makes them different from "normal" plants? I find especially interesting the Shadowtail case: how is the plant able to recognize what kind of prey it's holding and therefore apply the right pressure to keep them trapped without killing them? Is it because they have some sort of brain that can process stimuli and therefore regulates the movements of its appendices? Also, the fact that it plants the seeds under its prey's skin honestly immediately reminds me of some IRL wasps. So, if the Shadwotail posses some sort of nervous system, do we then consider it plant or animal? Do they posses receptors that make them feel pain? Do they have self-awareness?

I don't exactly remember how much studied monsters are in DM, but I guess it's a tricky field... so, to try and answer the question: it depends? XD this needs further research...Laios here I come ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ