#Codeine is a hell of a drug y'all

[arthur-morgans-blogg]

Six Nights

Six nights from a knife that could change or take his life

Six nights from the sleep that is like a death, but not that deep

A chance to rest, a chance to heal

A chance to maybe, finally feel that desperate long-gone sense of normalcy that he’s been craving so desperately

Long nights awake, each breath, each movement agony. 

Maybe then, he’ll know some peace--he’ll be content if the aches are contained to his bones, at least. 

Until then, another night, more drugs to numb it, less sleep had, an upset stomach. 

A warm embrace of someone near, telling him not to fear, ‘Worry not, you’re gonna be well, you’re not gonna be in this pain fueled hell.’

He’ll drift to sleep, it’s six nights more. 

He knows he need not worry, he’s done this all before. 

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, Day1

HI, so um yeah let me start of straight up, I AM A GAMBLING ADDICT. I am 20 years old and since the age of 14 I have gambled, since the age of roughly 16 I became a bad gambling addict. I feel like its the perfect time for me to write this because last night I attempted to commit suicide, for the third time in my life, all attempts have been due to the stress that my gambling addiction has caused. My first attempt, I tried to hang myself with a belt from my shower railing, I failed miserably as the railing broke and split in half, now that was either God telling me that he weren't gonna let me die that day, or that i need to lose weight, I reckon a mixture of both, lol. The second time I sat in the bath and slit my wrist', you know like how the movies always make it look easy...lemme tell you something.....ITS NOT THAT EASY. Listen yeah, if you're trying to kill yourself, do not try that method, all it does it cause a extreme amount of pain, and mess. I remember sitting there thinking, 'yo is this pain gonna turn into death anytime soon or what'. Last but not least, the attempt last night, I tried to overdose on various pills, I must of consumed roughly 32 pills consisting of Paracetamols, Aspirins and codeine. Lemme tell you something again....If you're trying to kill yourself that way, you wont meet death, just a irregular state of drowsiness, stomach ache and headache, I also woke up feeling like I just spent 3 rounds in the ring with Mike Tyson. So yeah, after 3 unsuccessful attempts, I think Gods telling me its time to recover, and that's what i'm going to try to do. I have a plan to write a new entry everyday, to tell a different story from my gambling experience, but mainly to serve as a distraction from gambling and in hope that writing about it, for other people to see will help me feel, i guess, less alone. I think for my first entry I'll tell y'all (Yes i'm English, but I find american slang super dope, see what i did there? *Inserts laughing emoji* as anyone still reading this has stopped due to my terribly bad humour), but anyway this first entry will be a introduction to how i became involved with gambling i guess and little bit about me, lol i feel like im back in primary school when you had to write about yourself, anwayyyy.....

I grew up in foster care, I got put into foster care at the age of 13 because I was trying to mirror the life of my peers, me and my friends grew up in a area where there was a hell of a lot of criminal activity, and we were just trying to live that life, but that's a story for another day, lol. So anyway, I got moved to this small town called Rothwell (shithole, but a nice shithole, if that makes sense?) Anyway, my mum sent me an old bank card of hers, so that on occasion she could put a little bit of money on there, not much, but a nice £20 so i could go maybe go out with my friends, have money to buy some snacks from the shop and just lil things like that you know. Anyway, because the card was in her name, me being the huge sports fan that I am, I realised I could enter the card details into online gambling sites as she is obviously over 18, the rest is history. My first ever bet, I cant remember what the bet was, but I vaguely remember this sense of happiness and proudness, that I just made money, from just watching sports. I know it sounds crazy, but it made me feel like ' I was the man', if that makes sense? Like my ego grew, it weirdly made me feel as if i was some sort of superhero, I understand to a non-gambler reading this, how crazy that may sound, but its the truth, and the same feeling of happiness, became my drug. Gambling became my drug, everything about it.... the adrenaline rush of watching a sports game whilst having money on it is without a doubt the best feeling in the world, that rush of blood when the team you have bet on scores a goal is unreal. The pure satisfaction of making money, from literally just watching sports is second to none. Just like any other drug, the feeling starts to fade and you need a bigger 'fix'. So imagine a weed smoker for example, after a while they have to start rolling the joints with more weed, because there trying to chase a bigger and bigger high, its the same with gambling. That's why after two years, and i turned 16, the £5 - £10 bets weren't doing it anymore. It got to the point where I would bet £10, and I wouldn't even watch what game I bet on, I became that disinterested. This was the start of the addiction, I would have to bet a minimum of £20 to even feel excited, and this was at 16. I'm now 20, if i'm betting any less than 3 figures, i feel disinterested now.

I'm going to wrap up this first entry because no one wants to spend more than 5 minutes reading about a degenerate gambler, lol. The feelings and storys I have to tell, I have enough content for 2000 journal entrys, honestly. I'll try do it all in chronological order, so I guess next time (I was going to try write a new entry everyday, but I think ill do it every other day) I'll write about the times I would gamble in secondary school around the 15/16 age, i really went to classes playing roulette on my phone under the tables, dam no wonder I got no As, lol. I wanna finish this first entry saying only a very small amount of people know about my addiction, the majority of you reading this, if you know me personally I imagine would be very surprised. I'm one of those guys, and without trying to sound like im sucking my own dick, lol, I think people generally like me. When im about others, I'm always bringing positives vibes, I'm always cracking jokes, I'm always happy you know, very outgoing, always having a laugh. One of my friends said to me not too long ago that if the definition of 'Good vibes' was in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me. I remember once too a few of us were suppose to go out for a drink, but i lost alot of money in the day so I told them I wasn't feeling well, and they were all going to cancel going out because my friends told me 'I was the energy of the group'. That's the real me. That version of myself I am when I'm around my friends is who I know i am, and i want to be that version of myself all the time again, like i was when i was younger, I was such a happy kid. Now I'm only that version of myself 50% of the time. The other 50, when im alone, gambling, isn't me, I feel like the devil takes over, I feel so scared, so hurt, sad and depressed when I feel like that. I really am just a scared young man who wants to be the best version of himself I guess. So yeah please remember to check on your friends who always seem to be having a laugh, always happy, because you never know how they really are.

Anyways, I've downloaded the app which lets you record how many days free you are from an addiction, I hope by the time of my next journal entry, on Monday, I will be able to tell you all that I am 2 days free. This is going to be one of the hardest weekends of my entire life. Thanks for reading, God bless x