#Closure is a weird way of saying it... But idk... Maybe it'll settle in more? Idk idk

[theirloveisgross]

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[nathank77]

3/29/24

5:04 a.m

So that mom from fb dating texted me one text. I responded in 20 minutes and I haven't heard from her since lol

I mean I couldn't have fucked it up that fast. She must have been busy momming. Idk lol idk how many kids she has, I'm good with 3. Anymore than that is kinda too much. I hope she responds. And I hope that if she does she's okay with how broken I am. I hope even more that she doesn't have a problem with a guy with glasses glued to his nose.... we will see if she even tries to talk to me anymore than this maybe she researched me and found out i was trans. Idk.

I'm going to try to go new Hampshire tomorrow and, "show up," for Katie finally. Just randomly drive to her house on Saturday and see what happens. She isn't my soulmate...

Maybe soulmates don't exist. All I know is I think Elise is mine. If she showed up for me I would marry her and give her foot massages, back massages, bring her kids everywhere. Spend time with them. Love them with all my heart. Have them be my children. I would have done everything for her but as for right now she won't talk to me. And for all I know she just wants friendship.

Maybe I'll end up with Katie again. I don't want to hurt Katie but I never showed up and I got to whether it's this Saturday or next to see what could have been. If we end up together I don't think it'll be any different or work out but I mostly expect her to be weird and get coffee with me and send me on my way but that's enough mental closure. I would build a relationship with Katie slowly but things would have to be different.

I have weird feelings. I want to wait for Elise but she's no where to be seen.. and as I wait I know that when Katie posted that bunny photo if I hadn't been talking to Elise I would have shown up for Katie but I was already in love with Elise and I still am.

Either way I got to do this for closure. Either way I know Katie isn't my soulmate. If anyone is it's Elise but maybe she thinks I'm "psychotic." Idk anything.

Maybe Reilly will work out. Maybe I'll be single for years to come. Maybe Katie will say she's been waiting and she still loves me. Idk how to respond to that... cause I am in love with someone else but would never say that.

If Elise had shown up I wouldn't need this closure but being i have all this time to wait and it's a possibility not a guarantee.. I might as well. If Katie wants to be with me I'll take things slow and see if it goes anywhere. I expect things to be different.

Although I know deep in my heart she isn't the one. But does anyone truly find the one? Or do we just find someone that works well with our personality that you have fun with and are comfortable with and just accept it'll never be perfect?

That she will never dance with me, or sing with me. That she will never have kids cause she doesn't want them. That despite our capabilities we have many incapabilities?

Idk. I really think Elise is the one and if I end up with Katie I will be unhappy, comfortable but unhappy. I feel like I need someone who will have fun with me in the ways I described. All i know is to close the door on Katie mentally is to show up unannounced.

All I know is I just want Elise to talk to me. All I know is if me and Katie get back together we won't work out.

All I know is I can't control anything

All I know is I'm in love with Elise. All I know is I think she's my soulmate. Yet i don't know if and when she will ever show up and in what capacity.

So I'm doing me. I'm afraid of hurting Katie but I can't close that door without showing up. I'll talk to Reilly If she responds..

And I'll always wish anyone I end up with is Elise. I truly think she's my soulmate but she's a married woman and I see no signs of divorce. So I'm going to do me and I'm going to wish everyone is her until I guess I find someone where settling for comfort as capability isn't the same thing as feeling like someone is your soulmate.

I always hated romantic movies bc deep in my soul I believe in soulmates. I also believe Nathan blanchette doesn't have a soulmate and if I did my soulmate is destined to be with someone else and if I'm lucky I'll find someone I can be comfortably happy with like a 4 out of 10.

Someone who would tell me talking about gaming annoys her. Someone who won't dance or sing. Someone who is compatible but not compatible at the same time.

I wrestled with my feelings for a while. Why wait? My only reason is I don't want to be with Katie. I want to be with Elise. And even if I take Katie back ill still want to be with elise. I'll have settled.

I'll be taking comfort over happiness. But maybe that's what love is? Settling for someone who is almost good for you but doesn't complete you? Idk

Yet it's my wildest dreams that she's my soulmate. And I only see her in my restless dreams.

If she read every word I wrote. Watched my videos. Posted on Instagram to me. Elise is my soulmate but I see her profile picture and that tells me I'm wrong and she's happy. Idk.