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wonderlandleighleigh · 2 years ago

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26 pages of fic in retaliation of the spoilers. So spoiler alert for the season 5 spoilers that have come out.

September, 1989

“Mama, no.”

Midge wrinkles her nose. “What do you mean, ‘Mama, no,’ what is that supposed to mean?”

Esther huffs as she follows her mother around the kitchen. “You can’t cook for twenty-six people, it’s too many!”

“Please, I’ve cooked for armies!”

“Real armies?” Eden asks, her ears perking up as she watches her partner chase Midge around.

“Armies of comics,” Midge shrugs at her daughter-in-law. “Armies of musicians. Hungry entertainers, mostly.”

“So not even as well-behaved as soldiers,” Eden jokes as she lifts her son up from the floor and snuggles the toddler.

“Not nearly,” Midge responds.

“It’s too many people,” Esther presses. “Get it catered.”

“God, no.”

“Mama.”

“Esther.”

“You shouldn’t have to bust your ass in the kitchen all day,” Esther argues. “You just got home from a tour, don’t you want to relax?”

“How long have we known each other?” Midge asks.

Esther blinks. “You gave birth to me.”

“And you’re how old?”

“Mama.”

“You’re thirty-one,” Midge answers for her. “Which means you’ve had thirty-one years to realize that relaxing is not my thing.”

“But-”

“It’s very sweet of you to worry, Honey,” Midge smiles, wrapping an arm around her daughter. “Really, I love you for being concerned, but the best way to decompress from two months on tour is to make a shitload of food that will eventually kill you all, and then force-feed it to you while I criticize all your choices.”

“Seems like she’s dead set,” Eden comments.

“I once cooked for two hundred people at Uncle Shy’s house for an album release party,” Midge tells them as she gets to work. “Monica fired the caterers five hours before the party started and then locked herself in the master bathroom, and I get this completely panicked phone call from Shy, begging me to come and do…something with the truck-load of food the caterers left because it was already paid for. So it’s me, Jerome, Bonnie and Gordon in the kitchen, while Shy, Lenny and Carly are trying to coax Monica out of the bathroom, and the only thing that did it was some cocaine someone had brought to the party..”

Eden blinks as silence blankets the kitchen, before she turns to Esther. “Sometimes your mother tells these stories and I don’t know if they’re true or not.”

“Ask Lenny, all true. I was six months’ pregnant with Lily at the time.”

“I was very tempted by that cocaine, by the way,” Lenny says as he wanders in, lifting little Joshy from Eden’s arms. “I talked myself out of it by pretending if I did cocaine, it would somehow hurt the baby Midge was pregnant with.”

Eden blinks again. “That’s…weird.”

“And effective.”

“Esther thinks we should have Rosh Hashanah catered,” Midge tells her husband.

He gives his stepdaughter a confused look. “It’s too late to get it catered now.”

Esther rolls her eyes. “You’re comedy legends, I’m pretty sure if you snapped your fingers real hard someone would come running to cater Lenny Bruce and Midge Maisel’s Rosh Hashanah dinner.”

“Why would we do that?” Lenny asks, still confused.

“Give it up, Babe,” Eden chuckles. “They’re never gonna outsource dinner.”

“Especially since cooking keeps me out of the same room as your father for as long as possible,” Midge adds.

“You could have just…not invited him,” Esther points out.

“No, I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.”

“Nope! He’s still family. He sucks - that’s what the kids are saying now, right? Sucks?”

“Sucks,” Lenny agrees.

Midge nods confidently before turning back to Esther. “He sucks, but he’s still family, so he gets the invite.”

“He could just decline,” Lenny points out. “And he never does.”

“Well, someone has to bring Zeyde,” Esther points out.

“Lan and Charlie are in town, Lan could bring Moishe,” Midge says.

“This keeps getting more hopeless,” Esther comments.

“Mama is going a little crazy, Joshy,” Lenny tells the toddler in his arms, bouncing him a little.

Esther sighs and takes her son from his arms. “I come by it honestly.”

*****

Ethen steps into his mother and stepfather’s home, leading his wife and two children inside from the breezy weather.

It’s a large brownstone in the Village, decorated with a tasteful mix of built-in wood accents and bright colors. A perfect blend of both of the people who own the house.

These days, even though all of the kids have moved out, both Ethan’s grandmother Rose, and Zelda, the family’s former housekeeper, call this place home, though Zelda is out for the evening.

Ethan had been worried once everyone left the nest, it would just be his parents rattling around this big place, but he’s heartened, knowing that they’re able to take care of a few of the more elderly members of the family, though Susie still refuses to give up her lavish, custom interior uptown apartment.

“I worked hard for this,” she told him when the subject came up over drinks. “I’m not ready to call quits on it. The bathtub is too fucking good and the exact height for me to get into.”

Fair enough.

“Okay, team,” Ethan says, turning to his family. “You know the drill: If you’ve got the shpilkes, go run out in the garden, but don’t pull up Pop-pop’s flowers. Be nice to your cousins, and for the love of God, please do not kick Papa Joel this time?”

“That was my fault,” Julia chimes in. “He insinuated your mother was a slut, so I told Noah to kick him.”

Ethan blinks and thinks that over. “That’s fair. But no kicking tonight, okay?”

Noah nods dutifully as Norah goes running down the hall for the kitchen.

“Softa, Softa!” she squeaks, and Ethan hears his mother’s voice as she showers the little girl with affection.

“Here we go,” he mutters, lifting Noah over his shoulder and heading for the kitchen. “You gotta stop telling our kids to kick people.”

“What else are they for?” Julia jokes. “It’s not like we can cook them and eat them.”

“Why not?” Ethan asks.

“Don’t eat me!” Noah shouts.

“Ethan, stop threatening to cannibalize your son,” Rose’s voice admonishes from behind them.

He swings around and grins at his grandmother. It’s odd to see her at this age, in her eighties, but she’s definitely still her. Certainly she’s slowed down, but she’s still sharp.

“Hi, Gramma,” Ethan grins, kissing her cheek. “Ready for the chaos?”

“As I’ll ever be,” Rose responds, letting herself be kissed. “Hello, Julia. I love your hair today.”

“Aw, thanks, Rose,” Julia beams. “You look nice, too.”

“I,” Rose tells them, lifting her chin, “am old.”

“And still gorgeous,” Lenny says, peeking out of the kitchen. “Everybody in to say hello.”

Ethan grins and heads past Lenny, straight to his mother, kissing her cheek. “Hey, Ma.”

“My boys!” Midge chirps, kissing both Ethan and then Noah. “How was the drive?”

“Fine,” Ethan shrugs. “Nothing to write home about.”

“Hi, Gramma,” Esther grins, hugging Rose. “How are you?”

“Old,” she tells her a little forlornly, before lifting Joshy out of her arms. “But this makes me feel better.”

“Hi, Rose,” Eden says, getting to her feet.

“Eden,” Rose nods coolly. “So nice to see you.”

Ethan watches the interaction closely without comment, knowing that Esther’s coming out had been a little fraught at first. While most of the family hadn’t batted much of an eye (Lan came out a year earlier after all), Rose had been more than a little shocked. Though Midge had been quick to point out that there were stories of Abe dating a man back in the day.

“It was the twenties!” Rose had countered.

“Well, now it’s the eighties and your granddaughter is dating a woman,” Midge had shot back. “Get over it.”

Ethan’s never seen Esther cry quite that hard.

“So we’re currently missing…almost everyone,” Julia points out, looking around the room after getting a cheek kiss from Lenny.

“My God,” Lenny marvels, turning to Midge playfully. “I wonder where all of them could have learned this horrific lack of punctuality.”

“Keep it up, you don’t get any challah,” she shoots back, making Ethan, Esther, Julia and Eden hoot teasingly.

“Dad’s in trouble,” Esther sing-songs.

Midge shakes her head, amused. In the old apartment, Ethan knows she would have shooed everyone out, because it was too small, but the brownstone has an enormous kitchen, perfect for this kind of gathering, and he can’t say he minds.

“So, Chaim and Rachela have Bram of course, and they’re bringing Astrid,” Midge tells them. “Joel is bringing Moishe. Mei and Lan and Charlie are all coming together. Ella had a piano lesson, so Kitty said they’d be running a little late…Lily is always late, but I’m hoping that the new boyfriend will be a good influence.”

“Have you met him yet?” Esther asks, looking intrigued.

“I haven’t,” Midge admits. “Lenny has. He surprised her with lunch at the lab a couple of weeks ago, and he was there.”

“Tall, Jewish, named Benj,” Lenny tells them. “Seemed nice. Some kinda chemist or some such.”

Ethan tilts his head at his stepfather. “Oh, you hate him.”

“No.”

“A little.”

“...Maybe a little.”

“You’re Lily’s father,” Rose points out. “Of course you hate the man she’s seeing.”

“Abe loved me,” Lenny points out.

“Abe was going through a midlife crisis when he met you,” Rose counters.

“In any case,” Midge chimes in. “That leaves Susie.” She turns to Ethan. “Where is Susie?”

“At the Gaslight to check out a new act,” Ethan tells her.

“In the afternoon?” Midge asks, baffled.

Ethan shrugs. “She said she’d be along.”

“Okay! Then I’m gonna get going here. The challahs are nearly done.” She whirls around as everyone starts to lunge for the oven. “Don’t you dare.”

They all looked chastened as they back away.

*****

“Are you sure we shouldn’t use the front door?” Benj asks as he follows Lily through the garden gate and towards the back door.

She blinks back at him, tilting her head. “Why would we do that?”

“Because it’s polite,” Benj points out.

Lily thinks about that. She’s never really thought about it, having spent her life since moving with her parents to this brownstone using the garden entrance to be able to check her father’s flowers and herbs before heading inside.

“But I lived here,” Lily tells him.

“You don’t now,” Benj shrugs. “I mean- don’t get me wrong. This garden is amazing. Did you do this?”

“My dad,” Lily says. “He used to work on a farm when he was young. Most people don’t know he’s got a green thumb.”

“Cool,” Benj grins.

“You still want to use the front door,” Lily surmises.

“...It feels like they might like me more if I use the front door,” he admits sheepishly. “I want to make a good impression.”

“Fastest way to the front door is going through the garden door, down the hall and out the front door,” Lily tells him.

“Wait, what?”

“Come on.”

*****

Midge frowns as she hears the garden door open and close. She leans out of the kitchen, spotting her daughter and who she assumes is the boyfriend heading for the front door.

“Lily?”

“We’re not here yet!” she calls back. “Benj wants to use the front door!”

Midge’s frown deepens as Lenny joins her at the doorway.

“You know,” he muses. “When she was first born, I never could have predicted that our genetics would mix quite that way.”

Midge giggles a little. “Fun, though.”

They watch as the front door opens and Lily and Benj step inside.

“We’re here! And we used the front door!” Lily calls. “Please be nice to my boyfriend!”

Midge tries hard not to laugh as she steps out and hugs her youngest child. “Hi, Sweetie.”

“Hi, Mama. This is Benj. He’s polite.”

Midge smiles understandingly at Benj. “Hi. Nice to meet you. Welcome. For future reference, we all expect Lily to come in through the garden. No front doors necessary when you’re with her.”

He grins sheepishly as they shake hands. “Good to know.”

*****

Moishe Maisel has lived a big, long life. He has seen war and death and life and good business and bad business and very bad business, and joy and heartache, and great things and stupid things, and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and everything that comes with the highs and lows of living.

But for all of his experience, he still doesn’t really understand his only son.

“You could date, you know,” he says as they walk up the sidewalk towards the Weissman/Bruce brownstone. “Find someone.”

“So could you,” Joel shoots back.

“What do I wanna date for?” Moishe asks. “There’s not another Shirley out there.”

Joel huffs out a breath as he stops in front of the large house, looking up at it pensively. “You know, we could just get some deli and go home.”

“Why would we do that?” Moishe asks. “Miriam’s cooking a feast, she always does.”

“It’s just-” he blows out a breath. “Why do I keep doing this to myself?”

Moishe wrinkles his nose. “Doing what? Going to family dinners? Seeing your children and grandchildren?”

“Going to Midge’s house.”

“Because she’s the only one with enough space to host everyone.”

Joel shrugs helplessly. “Well, maybe next year it could just be us and Ethan and his family.”

“Ethan hates you,” Moishe reminds him.

“Esther’s then.”

“Eden hates you.”

“Well, then Lan!”

“Lan is never here, lives with your second ex-wife, and you still can’t get over your farkakte feelings about his boyfriend.”

Joel throws up his arms in frustration. “Fine! I fucked things up thirty years ago and everybody still thinks I’m an asshole, and now every time I come here for a holiday or a family get-together, no one lets me forget it!”

Moishe stares at his son for a long moment and he thinks about trying to be supportive. About trying to give him advice and how all of that advice has fallen on deaf ears for decades.

Instead, he opens the gate and walks up the pathway to the porch. “Lenny’s azaleas are really poppin’ this year!”

Behind him, he knows Joel is rolling his eyes, but following him.

*****

Esther beams as she opens the door on her grandfather. “Zeyde!”

She hugs the older man tightly, kissing his cheek.

“Oh, my sweet little Esther, you look good!” Moishe tells her, rubbing her arms. “Where’s my great-grandson? I have a candy for him.”

“Zeyde…”

Moishe wanders past her, on the lookout for said great-grandchild, as Joel steps in.

“Pop, hi,” Esther says, kissing his cheek awkwardly.

“Hey, Sweetie. Things devolve into chaos yet?”

“No, everything is fine,” Esther tells him, a little confused.

“Lenny must be out of town,” Joel tries to joke.

“...No, he’s in the garden with Ethan and Julia and Lily and her new boyfriend…”

“...Right.”

She leads him back into the kitchen, where her mother is still cooking while Eden and Rose keep her company.

Eden lifts an unimpressed eyebrow at Esther’s father. “Joel.”

“Hi, Eden. Doin’ good?”

“Sure.”

“Hi, Joel,” Midge says politely as she keeps working.

“Midge.”

“Look who I found!” Moishe crows as he shuffles into the kitchen, carrying Joshy and flanked by Noah and Norah.

“Hey!” Joel smiles, hugging the kids. “Look at you guys!”

“The kinder look good,” Moishe agrees, before smiling at the assembled group. “Hello, Miriam. Rosie, Eden.”

Eden grins at him. “Hi, Moishe. How’s the retirement community?”

He shuffles over and takes a seat with her at the kitchen island. “You would not believe the mishegas these nuts get up to.”

“Ooooh, geriatric gossip,” Midge teases. “Let’s hear it.”

Esther glances back at her father as Moishe begins to regale them with his tales. “Pop, why don’t you take the twins out back to run around?”

“I’m good,” Joel tells her. “Really, Es, it’s fine.”

“I mean, you’re lying, but okay.”

“Esther.”

She shrugs, and starts to respond, when the front door opens and closes again.

“Hellooooo!”

She’s not terribly proud of losing interest in her father’s discomfort, but the sound of her beloved older sister’s voice after not having seen her for a while tends to send her reeling back into her childhood. “Kitty!”

She finds herself barrelling out of the kitchen and back to the front door, hugging Kitty tightly.

Kitty giggles, hugging her back. “Oooh, there she is! Hi!”

“Hi!” Esther responds against her shoulder. “Hi, hi, hi.”

“Aunt Es!” Ella squeaks from behind them and Esther lets go of Kitty to hoist the five-year-old into her arms.

“Look at this beautiful rock star,” Esther says, kissing the little girl’s cheek. “How was piano?”

“Fun,” Ella tells her, giggling.

“Hey, Esther,” Daniel says as he helps Kitty out of her coat.

“Hi, Daniel, good to see you,” Esther grins. “Everyone is here except Lan and Mei and Charlie, and Aunt Astrid, Chaim and Rachela and Bram.”

“Thank god we’re not the last ones here,” Kitty huffs. “Remember the last time?” she asks her husband. “Rose stared daggers right into my soul.”

“Your soul, what about mine?” Daniel jokes. “She cornered me in the kitchen and gave me an entire lecture on punctuality.”

“Which is hilarious because Mama has never been on time for one thing in her whole life, including her second wedding, and Lily’s birth,” Esther adds, making them all laugh.

“Uh-oh, did I miss a joke?” Lenny asks as he steps into the foyer.

Ella squeaks and wiggles down from Esther’s arms. “Pop-Pop!!”

Lenny chuckles as he scoops her up, kissing her firmly on the cheek. “There she is!”

“Pop-Pop, I have so much to tell you!” Ella says.

“Okay, before you regale Pop-Pop with stories of piano lessons and kindergarten,” Kitty laughs, leaning forward to hug her father. “Hi, Daddy.”

“Hey, Kit,” Lenny says, hugging her as he still holds Ella. “Hi, Daniel.”

“Hey, Dad,” Daniel responds, grinning. “How are things looking so far?”

“Same old. Lily brought her boyfriend.”

Kitty gasps and turns to Esther. “How is he? Is he cute? Is he nice? Do we need to grab Ethan and talk about where to hide the body?”

“Okay, first of all,” Esther laughs. “He’s cute, and he seems very nice, and second of all, Lily is very capable of hiding her own bodies.”

“What? No, she’s not, she’s a little baby and we need to protect her.”

“She’s twenty-four.”

“Exactly!”

“You know you’re the daughter of two criminals, when…” Esther teases, making everyone laugh again.

“That funny bone is wasted in the courtroom,” Lenny tells her. “Quit and get a writing gig.”

“Never,” Esther smirks.

Lenny shakes his head before turning back to his granddaughter. “Tell Pop-Pop all about your adventures!”

Kitty smiles and wraps her arms around Esther. “And you tell me about yours. How is Eden? How is Joshy?”

Esther beams at her sister and tells her.

*****

Eventually, the rest of the family show up, with Lan showering his nieces and nephews in hugs and praise for how grown-up they all look, and Mei latches herself onto Midge in the kitchen as she cooks.

“So? How is LA?”

“It’s wonderful,” Mei tells her as she sits down. “Really, Midge. The sun and the food…I keep getting asked to guest lecture and write guest articles. It’s heaven.”

Midge beams at her. “It’s nice to see you happy.”

"You and Lenny should move to LA."

Midge scoffs, laughing. "God, no. Lenny hates it there for a wide range of reasons. And we love New York."

Mei rolls her eyes. "Yes, but it would get you away from you-know-who."

"I'm not going to let him scare me into moving across the country, away from my children and my life," Midge says firmly. "He's the miserable one. He can move to LA."

Mei laughs. "Hell, no, you keep him."

Midge sighs heavily and turns to her, taking a seat at the island across from her. "He's been getting more unhappy by the week."

Mei shrugs. "He fucked up two marriages and alienated all three of his children. He lost the club in the seventies to a gambling addiction and he drank his way through the first five years of the eighties, until he realized he wouldn't be able to see his grandchildren if he didn't get his shit together. So color me not shocked."

"I know," Midge says quietly. "I just- feel bad, I guess. He hates that I moved on. He never lets me forget it."

"Then maybe it's time to cut it off," Mei suggests. "This is your house and your life. Ethan and Esther are grown. If they want to spend time with their father, you don't have to be a part of that…I bet Lenny would be relieved."

"I'm pretty sure Lenny stopped acknowledging Joel's existence sometime in 1976."

"Ooh, good for Lenny."

"Good for Lenny what?" the man in question asks as he steps in with Ella on his hip.

Midge gasps. "A grandbaby!" she chirps, lifting the little blonde into a hug.

Mei kisses Lenny's cheek in greeting. "We were talking about how you keep forgetting Joel exists."

"Who?" Lenny jokes with a hand to his mouth. "Oh, him. Yeah he tried to start a fist fight with Ethan that one time after stowing cocaine in our closet, and I thought 'nope,' so now I just ignore him aggressively."

"God, what an awful night," Midge says, snuggling Ella.

"It was awful," Mei agrees. "But a lot has changed for the better."

Midge smiles and kisses Ella's temple before setting her down. "Go play, sweetie."

She does, and Midge turns back to Mei and Lenny. “Mei thinks we need to stop inviting Joel to the house.”

“She’s right,” Lenny nods firmly. “I know you feel bad for him, Midge. But he’s not your responsibility.”

She nods slowly, thinking that over. “I guess - I guess I just never thought about not trying to help him.”

“I know,” Lenny tells her, taking her hand. “But it might be time to finally start.”

“No might,” Mei interjects. “Definitely.”

****

"Ethan."

"Pop."

Susie watches the father-son interaction with its cold overtones and sighs. "You two ever gonna bury that hatchet?"

"You know?" Ethan ponders. "I'm good."

"Fucksake," Susie grumbles.

Noah giggles. "Fucksake!"

Susie nods. "Exactly, kid."

"Jesus, Susie!" Joel cries.

"He's not here, we're Jewish," Ethan comments before turning to his son. "What'd we say?"

Noah pouts guiltily. "No bad f bombs."

Ethan nods, satisfied. "That's right."

"You are an excellent parent," Susie praises him.

Ethan nods. "Damn right I am."

*****

Dinner is, of course, incredible.

While Lily is very good with plants and even animals, the culinary arts have eluded her for most of her life.

She’s very good at boiling rice in chicken stock and adding some cheese and a little hot sauce, but beyond that, it all feels a little nebulous.

Her mother, however, is magical in the kitchen, and tonight’s feast is no exception.

“Mama, everything looks amazing,” she tells her mother, smiling up at the woman.

Midge beams at her. “Well, dig in.”

Everyone does, and Lily smiles, turning to Benj.

“I’m really glad you’re Jewish so I don’t have to explain all the food to you,” she tells him happily. “And you won’t get weird about it.”

Benj smiles back at her, obviously amused and a little charmed. “Well, I’m glad to eat all of it. It looks incredible. My father isn’t much of a cook.”

“Your mother isn’t around?” Julia asks curiously as they pass food around the table.

“Ah…no. She uh…she left us when I was little, so it was always just my father and me,” Benj explains with a sheepish grin.

Lily nudges him gently and grins at him. “You wanna share mine? She’s a little crazy, but she does make a mean brisket.”

Benj laughs and kisses her cheek, before digging into the food.

*****

Ethan finds his mother prepping coffee and dessert in the kitchen and wordlessly starts to lend a hand, pouring cups before starting a fresh pot.

“How you doing, kid?” Midge asks as she slices up the apple cake.

“Ah, y’know. Happy to see everybody. Most everybody.”

“Your dad getting you down?” Midge frowns.

“Same as always,” Ethan shrugs. “Shit never changes with him, even though we all keep moving on. Lily’s new boyfriend. The rest of us have kids and jobs…you and Lenny keep working and changing. Even Susie.”

Midge grins warmly. “The Friar’s Club has been bothering Susie again. They want to roast the shit out of her.”

“Is it my birthday already?” Ethan jokes.

“You tell me, I can’t remember what we decided your birthday actually is anymore,” Midge chuckles softly and hands him a piece of cake. “Your favorite.”

Ethan grins and takes the plate, taking a bite. “Mmm. You still got it. You should host a cooking show, like the Frugal Gourmet or something.”

She waves a dismissive hand. “I’d get thrown off the air for my terribly scandalous stories.”

“We pitch it to HBO.”

“With the porn?” Midge laughs.

“Ah, you’ve shown your boobs to an audience before,” Ethan jokes.

“God, I so wish I could still ground you,” Midge tells him, laughing harder.

He nudges her and eats more cake. “Hey everybody! Coffee!! Cake!!”

*****

Esther lounges on a lawn chair in the garden, eating some honey cake as Lenny sits in the one next to her, sipping on a cup of coffee.

“You know what I’ve been thinking about?” Esther asks, considering her cake.

“Hm?”

“The day we met,” Esther tells him. “It’s one of my first, full memories. I must have been…three? Four? And you came over for dinner - the whole family was there - and for some reason you were sitting next to me.”

Lenny grins at her fondly. “I remember. I cut up your chicken for you.”

“You did. And you poured me some juice.” She smiles. “And I remember you looked at me like…I mattered to you. Even though we hadn’t ever met before and you were a stranger. You cared.”

Lenny thinks about that for a long moment, sighing softly. “You were Midge’s, and she’s always mattered to me. So you mattered, too. And I was really missing Kitty. Missing being a dad. It felt good to stretch those dad muscles, even though you weren’t technically mine.”

Lan wanders over then, a bottle of whiskey in his hands. “I’m the fun fairy,” he announces as he dribbles a little into Lenny’s mug.

Esther gasps and lifts her own mug from the ground. “Me, me!”

Lan pours some into hers as well, before sitting on the grass in front of them. “Are we having serious conversations?”

“Nah, just talking about old times,” Lenny chuckles, sipping his coffee. “Just the right amount. Good pour.”

Esther sips her own. “How is Charlie holding up?”

“He is hanging out with Julia, looking at old family photos,” Lan tells him, taking a sip of the whiskey. “Which he loves. And I love him for it, but also? I was not that cute of a baby.”

“An enormous lie and we all know it,” Lenny points at him. “Astrid!”

“Yes!” Astrid calls from across the grass, sitting with Chaim and Kitty.

“Wasn’t Lan the cutest fucking baby!”

“The absolute most adorable!” Astrid calls back. “He had the chubbiest little cheeks and the tiniest little tush!”

Lan shakes his head. “Oh, my god.”

Esther giggles and offers him some cake, which he readily takes a bite of. “Seen Dad?”

“Sitting on the front porch alone,” Lan says. “I tried to talk to him but he got weird.”

“I think he’s turning into a weird old man,” Esther says, fretting.

“Well, yes,” Lan agrees. “He’s been heading that way for like a decade.”

“Is it weird that I’m worried about it?” Esther asks.

“No,” Lenny tells her, reaching out to pat her hand. “He’s your dad. You’re supposed to worry about him. God knows Kitty and Lily worry about me sometimes. It’s just part of the deal. But at the end of the day, he’s a grown man. He has to figure out his own shit, no matter how much you wanna help him out.”

“Yeah, you’ve got a two-year-old already,” Lan jokes. “You don’t need another.”

Esther nods. “I know you’re right. I guess I just wish things were less bad with him.”

“We all wish that,” Lan commiserates. “But we have each other.”

“Fun fairy!” Chaim calls, lifting his mug. “Refill!”

“Oops, that’s my cue,” Lan grins, hopping to his feet. “Fun fairy is back on the clock!”

Lenny chuckles softly and shakes his head. “You kids are a fucking delight.”

Esther nods, lifting her mug. “Yes, we are.”

*****

Kitty helps Rachela, Ethan and Eden put all the kids to bed in the “kids room.”

Midge had had it redecorated with four built-in bunk beds. It’s stylish but fun at the same time, giving the kids an entire room all their own to sleep over in.

“Truly, this would have been Bubbe Shirley’s dream, having this kind of room,” Ethan comments with a chuckle.

“I heard she was an incredible grandmother,” Eden comments as she settles Joshy into a bottom bunk.

“The best,” Kitty says. “It didn’t matter to her that Lily, Chaim and I weren’t really her grandkids. She lumped us all in together with Ethan, Esther and Lan. We were a set and she refused to break it up.”

“That’s so sweet,” Rachela says as she settles Bram into another bottom bunk. “I feel so lucky to have been taken in by this big, crazy family.”

“It hasn’t always been easy,” Ethan tells her. “Y’know. With my parents divorcing early, and everything that happened after. Things were rough for a long time.” He shifts Norah into the top bunch and then settles Noah down underneath.

“Every family has its problems,” Eden shrugs.

Kitty settles Ella into the last bottom bunk, unable to really reach the top. “Ours has quite a few. The breakups, drugs, overly healthy egos, run-ins with the law, near-accidental deaths, the CIA popping up every now and then.”

“Believe me, when Chaim’s father died, the Company came knocking on Astrid’s door multiple times,” Rachela tells them. “Looking for things they thought were there in the house.”

“They did something similar after Papa Abe died,” Ethan comments. “He worked for Bell Labs for a second and they had to come around and make sure he hadn’t kept anything.”

“Daddy’s been raided by the cops a few times,” Kitty comments. “It's stressful."

Eden nods. "This family is weird as hell."

They all laugh quietly before stepping out of the room.

*****

Midge finds him on the front stoop.

"There's coffee."

"So?" Joel snaps as he takes a pull from his cigarette.

"I was asking if you wanted any," she clarifies. "Lan is running around with a bottle of whiskey, jazzing it up for people,” she smiles, amused. "He's calling himself the fun fairy."

"Just what every father wants to hear about their son," he mutters to himself.

Midge narrows her eyes. "I thought you were fine with Lan's sexuality."

Joel looks back at her, deeply annoyed. "Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm tired of being fine with all the bullshit that gets thrown at me. Lan and Esther making crazy choices-"

"You think it's a ch-"

"Mei running away from me, Ethan avoiding me, you staying with your pet junkie. Maybe I don't wanna be fine anymore, Midge."

She stares at him for a long moment, tilting her head and really, truly seeing him for the first time in a long time.

She'd always wondered, had they stayed together, if he would have been different.

She knows the answer is no. He'd still be discontented and angry and taking it out on her.

She doesn't think about the next words that leave her lips.

"I am so grateful you cheated and left," Midge tells him. "Because if I had to deal with this every fucking day, I don't know what I would do."

Joel stares at her in silence for a long time. Ten years ago that would have stung him much more than it does now.

He takes another drag. "Go fuck yourself, Midge."

She closes the door quietly, and when she turns around, Susie is standing there.

"Lock the door," the shorter woman tells her.

"He can just go around the garden," Midge points out.

"Yeah, and he'll be doing the walk of shame past his ex's husband and a bunch of family members to get back in. Lock it."

Midge does and Susie puts an arm around her.

"Let's break out the good booze," Susie says. "That whiskey Lan has is like lighter fluid."

Midge chuckles. "He's still young, his system can take it."

*****

It somehow usually winds up being the six of them and a joint.

"How is this so smooth?" Kitty marvels as she passes it to Ethan.

"LA pot is the best," Lan explains. "And nobody checked my bag at the airport."

"Our gain," Lily says as Ethan passes it to her. "Dinner was nice."

Chaim nods in agreement. "Dinner was nice. Been a while. Benj seems like a good guy."

"He is," Lily nods. "He thinks I'm pretty and smart."

"You are pretty and smart," Esther tells her. "You look happy."

"You know? I am," Lily nods. "It feels nice."

Ethan kisses the top of her head and looks out the garden gate, frowning. "Is that-?"

"Pop trudging through the gate even though he was at the front door?" Lan supplies. "Yes it is."

"Is something wrong with the front door?" Lily calls. "Benj likes the front door."

Joel stops, obviously caught out. "Your mother locked me out," he admits.

"Because you acted like a douche canoe?" Chaim supplies.

The rest of them giggle helplessly.

"Oh my God, where did that even come from?" Kitty asks as she and Esther lean on each other for support as they laugh.

"An intern at the Times," Chaim supplies. "It sounds good, right? Just rolls right off the tongue!"

Joel shakes his head, looking to the sky. "You kids. You have no respect for your elders. You just do whatever the fuck you want and fuck everyone else."

Esther takes the joint, pulling a long toke. "We learned from the best, Pop. Nobody does selfish asshole quite as expertly as you."

"God, weed makes you articulate," Lan praises her.

"I once wrote an entire essay on the first amendment while on acid," Esther tells him. "My ass got an A plus."

"You think you're so funny," Joel grouses.

"We don't, actually," Ethan shrugs. "Growing up in a house with professional comedians, you learn real quick if you're funny. We just know how to banter."

"You and I need to have a discussion," Joel tells his oldest.

"Now? Like right now? Because I'm really stoned, and you're not going to like what I have to say," Ethan tells him.

"He wouldn't like what you have to say sober, either," Lily points out.

"Stay outta this, Lily," Joel snaps.

She gasps loudly. "Good God, I exist to Joel Maisel, he knows my name and everything! It only took twenty-four years! We should celebrate, pass the pot back."

Mei steps out of the house, wandering over and eyeing the six of them. "Having fun, I see."

"Joel knows my name!" Lily chirps as she coughs.

The others giggle as covertly as they can.

"We raised a passel of assholes," Joel tells his second wife.

Mei shrugs. "An entertaining passel of assholes. Come inside. Leave them be."

"Bye Pop, love you Pop, don't be mean to anyone inside, Pop!" Lan calls. He takes the joint as he's ignored. "That man hates that I'm gay."

"Hate is probably too strong a word," Kitty says soothingly. "I think he just doesn't get it."

Lan pouts and it earns him a hug from the oldest of his sisters.

"He doesn't get me, either," Esther commiserates. "And my wife is Korean, so that's an extra layer of 'holy shit, Esther did what?'"

Kitty wraps her other arm around her. "You both are living your lives and making yourselves happy. That's really important stuff. And the rest of the family gets it. Even Moishe just shrugs his shoulders and ignores that it's not what he's used to."

"Besides, Pop is sixty years old and he still has no idea what he wants," Ethan shrugs as he takes another hit. "He left his wife and kids after only four years, messed up a bunch of relationships, gambled away an entire nightclub and then hid half a brick of cocaine in the house of a recovering drug addict. You're really gonna listen to him?"

Lan and Lily turn to Ethan, looking confused.

"Sorry, what?" Lan asks.

"Joel did what?" Lily says at the same time.

"Oops," Kitty mutters.

"I don't know this story, either," Chaim chimes in. "Joel hid drugs here?"

Ethan sighs heavily and sits back. “It was a little over ten years ago, now. It was right before he gambled the club away. He was turning a blind eye to dealers who had started hanging out late into the night, and some big dealer tasked him with hiding half a brick…he didn’t want it at the club where Archie could find it, so he brought it to family dinner and stashed it in a closet here…Susie was staying over…she goes to get a towel…”

“And she finds a fuck-ton of blow,” Lan surmises. “Fuck.”

“She thought it was Daddy’s,” Kitty chimes in. “They had a huge fight about it.”

“And when it came out that it was Pop’s,” Esther adds, “Ethan punched him in the face.”

The group goes quiet after that.

“How are none of us career criminals?” Chaim ponders.

“I think we’re too dumb,” Lily tells him. “I mean, we’re all booksmart, but I don’t think we have the cold calculating brains for real crime.”

Lan nods solemnly in agreement. “I’m a terrible mob prince.”

They all giggle.

*****

Eden really likes her mother-in-law.

She’d been a little worried, Midge being a big name in comedy, that she’d be kind of a dick. And sometimes she can be, but mostly, when she’s at home and not on stage, she’s just a mom, and now a grandmother.

It helps that her reaction to Esther coming out had been ‘As long as you still give me at least one grandchild, what do I care about the gender of the person you go to bed with every night? Now eat some babka.’

And even better, Midge genuinely likes Eden. They have real, meaningful conversations when they visit, and Eden is showered with affection every time they see each other, almost as much as Esther is.

It’s late now, Esther is outside with her siblings (probably playing bad kid), and Eden is helping Midge with the dishes.

“So Lenny comes over one morning,” Midge tells her, continuing a delightful story about their family. “And he’s holding an entire gift basket of muffins, sent to him by Carl Reiner as a ‘please tighten up this Dick Van Dyke Show script, I’m dying’ bribe, and a bag of freshly roasted coffee beans in a big paper bag.”

Eden chuckles as she dries a big cast iron pan.

“I open the door, he says ‘Good morning, Sweetheart. One of these muffins probably has a laxative in it, wanna figure out which?’”

Eden laughs fully at that, shaking her head. “Where did the beans come from?”

“The beans,” Midge tells her, “were from a short little Jewish man named Irving Kramer who lived in a tiny basement apartment in Harlem. He roasted his own coffee beans and sold them for a little quick cash and sometimes drugs.” Midge hands the younger woman another pot to dry. “I have been all over the world, and I tell you, it was the best coffee I’ve ever had.”

“Maybe it was who you were sharing it with?” Eden offers with a shrug.

Midge grins at her and nudges her gently. “Eden, turning into a softy.”

“No.”

“A little.”

“Maybe motherhood has made me a little more squishy,” Eden shrugs. “And Esther. That helps.”

Midge nods in understanding. “I know who I would be without my family. I don’t like to think about it very much, but I know exactly who that person is, and it’s- well, it’s not pretty. So I understand.”

Eden regards her mother-in-law thoughtfully, imagining a lonely, famous old woman, wandering around a much larger home than this by herself. With only her accolades to keep her company.

“There any more cake?” Lenny asks as he steps into the kitchen and kisses Midge’s cheek before patting Eden’s arm affectionately.

“On the island,” Midge tells him. “Sweet tooth finally rearing its head?”

He nods as he slices himself a piece of honey cake. “Seems so. It’s probably the whiskey and the smell of the pot smoke from the garden.”

“I can tell them to quit it if it’s bothering you,” Eden offers.

He waves her off good-naturedly. “I’ll live. I miss it some days, but not enough to indulge, and the occasional almost-contact high is pleasant enough.” He takes a bite and breathes out a sigh of satisfaction. “Mm. You guys see Joel come in through the garden door?”

“I locked him out the front,” Midge explains. “Susie’s idea.”

Lenny chuckles.

Midge turns to him, smiling a little. “We should take a vacation soon.”

“Yeah?” Lenny ponders, his eyebrows lifting. “Where to this time?”

Midge shrugs thoughtfully. “Maybe back to Miami.”

“Good memories,” he beams. “I’m in. You wanna leave tomorrow or what?”

“You have a gig tomorrow,” Midge reminds him.

“Rats. We’ll figure it out.”

“What happened in Miami?” Julia asks as she wanders into the kitchen and steals a bite of Lenny’s cake.

“Oh, this is good and romantic, you’ll like this one,” Midge tells her, gesturing for both women to have a seat. “I was on tour with Shy Baldwin.”

“And I was living in a crummy motel by the water,” Lenny chimes in.

“And one day, I’m sitting at the bar of the Fontainebleau, writing dick jokes…”

****

Eventually, the night winds down completely and people start heading out.

Esther, Kitty and their families are staying over, as well as Susie, but everyone else is heading home, or in Lan, Charlie and Mei’s case, their hotel.

Lenny hugs all the kids and sleepy grandkids, saying his goodbyes. As he gets older, the end of the night feels like it gets harder every time. Maybe one day, it will be the last time he says goodbye to these people he adores so much.

“Stop looking so maudlin,” Lily chides him playfully as they hug. “Yom Kippur is in like two weeks, and we’ll all be back to eat another big, over-the-top meal.”

“Yes, I know, but I miss you when you’re not here,” he admits. “I like when all the kinder are together.”

“Even when we’re ready to eat each other out of hunger?” Chaim asks as he hefts Bram into his arms.

“Especially then, it’s a free show,” Lenny jokes.

“Time for us to go, too,” Moishe says as he shuffles to the door, hugging and kissing on his way. “I will be here with bells on for Yom Kippur.” He eyes his six grandchildren. “Can all of you behave for Yom Kippur?”

“Yes, Zeyde,” they chorus, earning chuckles and soft laughs from their partners.

Midge kisses all of the kids and grandkids too, waving them off, and Joel wanders out after Moishe. She stands up a little straighter and smoothes out her dress. “Goodnight, Joel.”

He nods silently before disappearing down the front steps, and she sighs softly as Lenny settles his hands on her upper arms comfortingly.

“Maybe he doesn’t come to Yom Kippur,” Lenny offers. “Maybe Ethan goes to get Moishe and Joel just…does his own thing.”

“Please, fuck, that sounds like a dream,” Susie groans.

Ella giggles sleepily from Daniel’s arms. “Fuck.”

Lenny lets out a short, sharp laugh, and closes the front door.

END

#fic #tmmm spoilers #tmmm #Midge x Lenny #and the entire family

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