#CAUSE IM FUCKING POOR!!! AND ME NOR MY PARENTS WOULD BE ABLE TO PAY FOR 4 YEARS THERE!!@

[everyonesawhoregrace]

Nothing But A Memory

@awesomemikaus​: request where reader is Campbell's daughter, but she doesn't know anything, about the reason she came to town and so on, and Tommy plans to use her as a spy, approach her with that motive, but when she realizes that she doesn't know anything , falls in love with her, also that the reader is an angel. And then hell breaks loose when he finds out. very angsty pleaese

An: I'm gonna name my CHILD Sloan. Also , thank u for requesting this bc wow. I loved this. So much. So much that it's 4K words. X

"She can't get hurt, Arthur! Oi! Listen to me!" The brother was clearly upset by how nonchalant Arthur was to his statement. Only once the brothers met each other's eyes did Thomas feel comfortable enough to speak again. "She can't get hurt."

"She's our enemy, what the fuck do you mean she can't get hurt?!" Arthur's eyes widen, he can't wrap his head around Thomas's statement. Not even a bloody week ago, the two were plotting her death.

Thomas grabs a fistful of his brothers shirt and pulls him to his chest. "You lay a finger on her and I swear, Arthur..."

"She's Campbell's daughter." He reminds his brother, just in case he tumbled and took a fall for the worse.

"Please!" Tommy's never pleaded to anyone, let alone his brothers.

But with the weak way Thomas executes his words, Arthur feels a pang in his heart. Thomas falls back to his chair and lets out a shaky breath. He knows that his brothers fell spellbound to the lady.

"Fuckin' hell, Tom..." Arthur takes a step back, swallowing. You've fallen for her, haven't youse?"

3 Days Ago

Sloan Campbell arrived to Small Heath by the luck of the late night train. She was overjoyed to enter Birmingham, the busy, underdeveloped city. As a lover of history, she stayed concentrated in the vast city, occupying her time in libraries, city hall and the museum. Of course she was oblivious that her father, was on a special mission in the very city she was visiting. Alas, twas only Aunt Pol, John, Arthur and Thomas knew about Sloan's visit. It was the Shelby clan who had a plan to mercilessly sacrifice the lady in return for Campbell's injustices to them.

"He's causing chaos throughout the damn city nevermind our own business." Thomas banged his closed fist on the table, during their regular meetings.

The topic of inspector Campbell was brought up. Thomas got upset rather quickly before Polly Grey decided to make the boys feel reassured.

"You don't pay him no mind, we'll get him soon enough." Polly snaps, "Thomas sit down, I've got something to tell you lot."

She watched the colour return to their faces as she told them about Sloan Campbell, the only daughter that stems from the likes of inspector Campbell. She explains Campbell had a love so deep for his only child. He would do anything for Sloan. Anything.

It was Polly Grey who suggested the boys dangle the life of poor Sloan over Campbell, allowing him to flee the city in return for his daughter's life. It was going to be an exchange, simple, harmless. It would only scare the girl.

But it was Thomas who had allowed the darkness to consume him. Once Polly left, he had begun to stir up another plan.

"We need to punish him the way he's punished us." He said after a few drinks were in his belly.

Thomas put down his hat on the table and looked at the blades within the stitching of the flatcap. He was motivated by the idea of killing her.

Polly was discrete, only use her, do not actually harm her. Polly would no allow for the brutal killing of a lady. Especially an innocent one. And innocent she was. And yet, Thomas had different intentions.

Thomas continued. "Like the ones in the war who wanted us dead. We need to kill them before they kill us."

"Fuck yea..." Arthur concludes, after a line of coke. He rubs his nose and grabs a glass of whiskey from the table.

John speaks up. "We ought to blind her Tom,"

"No, worse. We kill her, and lay her body on the same ground Campbell walks so brazen on. This is our city, it's about time we show 'im that boys."

So, it was a plan, the brothers all agreed. Thomas was to be responsible for the capturing of the lady. Arthur and John were going to gut like her a pig and that Inspector Campbell will go running back to Belfast.

There he stood in city hall, awaiting her presence when someone tapped him on the shoulder. Who would've thought the person who tapped him was the lady herself.

Of course, she didn't know who he was. All she wanted was to know where the ticket booth was, after all, she had noticed the stranger had a ticket to the tour.

"Sorry to bother you, but could you point me where the ticket booth is?"

Thomas was frazzled, no, he was rather nervous. Not by the woman herself, nor the fact that the person he was going to shoot dead was standing before him, but rather, her remarkable beauty. She looked nothing like the photograph he was given, no, that was too old of a photo. It was blurry and did not do her justice. The woman before him was breathtakingly stunning, God like. She took his breath away, alongside everyone else within her presence.

He pointed to the ticket booth, she had smiled revealing such a pure soul.

She looked nothing like the awful Chief Inspector Campbell.

Following that dreadful day, Thomas followed Sloan around the city. She was shy, happy, she wore her emotions on her chest. She was unjustifiably beautiful. Petite, brown hair that framed her perfect face. She was the type of woman to use her hair to hide her face, and she smiled, and she laughed. She was goofy, original, she didn't want to please the fucking world. She simply wanted to live. Sloan would always drop a coin into the beggars hat, but more than that, she would stand beside him and ask him if he's alright. She was perfect, the more Thomas studied, the more his cheeks grew hot and his hands grew sweaty.

Yes, that she was, picture perfect.

Finally, Sloan had noticed him peeping one day while she read a book in the library, she raised her head as he ducked his. Pretending to be occupied in a book until she cleared her throat. Sloan stood before him.

"Can I help you?" She asked Thomas, who had looked up at her.

He wanted to run away, feeling his throat dry. He shut his book and got lost in her eyes. "Sorry?"

"You've been watching me from the second I got here. Never mind the fact that I'm nearly certain you're the same lad I had encountered a day ago 'round City Hall."

"I-" He began. Again, she's taken him by surprise. Thomas thinks fast. "I wanted to ask you if I can take you out. I find you beautiful and, yah, will you allow me to take you out for tea or somethin'?" He felt his heart race, his face heating up. He wanted to roll his eyes to the back of his head. Take you out for tea or somethin'? Really Thomas?

She chuckles, narrowing her gaze at him. But the truth was, Sloan was flattered. The man before her was a tall and handsome with great posture and teeth. Hopefully he's got a good paying job too.

No, to Sloan, the man before her was undeniable, most of the men in the world were pretty fucked up from the war. All they do is drink and fight. So, she cracked a smile and replied dubiously, "Alright then. I'm staying at the Midland Hotel, pick me up for eight tonight."

And with that, she spun around and walked her way back to her seat, where she opened up the book she was reading and started where she left off.

Thomas didn't tell the boys that he was going on a date with Sloan fucking Campbell. Instead, he told them that he was going to entertain the new barmaid Grace. They cheered him on, and off Thomas went.

Though it was a fake date, the closer the lad got to the Midland hotel, the more anxious and uneasy he got. Thomas was fumbling with his tie, shifting in his suit. He got feverishly irritated with the cuffs on his blazer and nearly tore them from his suit altogether.

Meanwhile, Sloan readied herself rather quickly. Wearing a navy blue dress and black kitten heels. She had allowed herself to calm down after finishing two glasses of champagne.

She stood before a mirror once finished and beamed at the finished product. "So, you find me beautiful?" Her serious, sexual face makes her giggle.

"Oh Sloan," She turns to her side and runs her hands along her dress. "You do look mighty fine though."

And she did, with her hair in light curls and a touch of makeup on. She put on her favourite perfume and listened to the radio, Sloan was a natural beauty, but she looked especially stunning tonight.

So stunning that when she walked down the stairs to the lobby, two men had offered their hands to assist her before Thomas was able to get to her. He made sure to claim her before any man would.

"Hi." She says, her hand falls into his. His hand is warm, and she flushes. The two are nervous.

Thomas stands tall, "Hi, you look..."

She's taken his breath away, all he does is shake his head. The silk material of the dress is plush around her curves. Thomas notices her décolletage, Sloan's stunning. Thomas quickly concluded and leans down to kiss her cheek.

"You look absolutely mesmerizing tonight, Sloan." He whispers in her ear.

She blushes, and as the two get on with their first date, she can't help but hold her tongue, wanting to tell Tommy the same thing.

He was kind hearted, chivalrous. He took her to a restaurant where people grew rather interested in Tommy and Sloan. 

They were numb to it, she discussed her passion of history he explained his passion of horses. They listened to each other in great detail. He explained that he had three brothers and a sister, to which she told him that she was an only child.

"Are your parents alive?" He asks, knowing the answer. But there was something so sweet about listening to her speak. Thomas grew fond of her voice, among many other things.

"Yes, and yours?" She tore apart a piece of bread and popped it in her mouth.

"No. Are you close to your parents then?"

She takes a sip of her wine. "I'm sorry to hear about your parents. Also. Yes and no. My mum and I are very close, but my father and I could have a better bond for sure." Sloan mentions Thomas's full plate. "How come you're not eating?"

He runs his sweaty palms over his pants, "I'm too nervous to eat." He replies honestly. His stomach twists and turns in knots. Somehow, the dinner that was supposed to be a stall before her death, ended up being so much more than that.

She blushes, looking down. "Do I make you nervous?"

Sloan looks at him with big eyes, and Thomas is nearly certain she's capable of murdering him. Right there. At that very moment. All he desires is her lips against his, and her body against his.

You take my breath away, Sloan.

After dinner, the two walked side by side down the street. Thomas has so many good qualities about him, it made Sloan very happy. Even though he was a hard shell to crack at first, he opened up and revealed things to her that he would have a hard time with admitting to anyone else.

Beaming, she up and into his eyes, "Thomas,"

"Yes." He raised an eyebrow, looking down at her.

"The people of the city practically bow down to you, I can't help but wonder what it is that you do."

His mouth twitched, "I own several businesses."

"Business that involve horses? You had told me you love them."

"Yes, something like that." Thomas doesn't want to give much away. After all, he is a no good criminal.

She chews on her inner cheek and Thomas smiles.

"Is there something else you'd like to ask me?" He stood in front of her, preventing the two from continuing their walk.

"No." She reveals, meeting his baby blue eyes. "I just want to tell you I had a great time with you tonight."

He ought to grab that face and kiss her all over. No, he thinks about the plan. How could he forget!? Death to the inspector’s daughter. But as she poured her heart into him, he can't help but put that idea in a cupboard in the deep depths of his mind, and shut the door. Death to the inspector’s daughter, no. Not her.

"As did I," He grins, and is startled when she rests her hand on his chest and leaves a soft kiss to his cheek. Thomas flushes, "Thank you."

She chuckles and mentions the hotel down the street. "Will you walk me to the hotel?"

Fuck. The end already?

Thomas nods and the two of them walk a little closer this time. He puts an arm around her and once they stood in the lobby together, Tommy Shelby willed himself to bent down and kiss her. Though it was a ballsy move on Shelby's part, Campbell deepens the kiss. She hooked her arm around his shoulder and went from a quick peck, to a passionate kiss.

She gives his hand a squeeze as she settles into her heels. "Thanks again for a tonight."

"No," He's drunk off of that kiss. Where did she learn to kiss like that? Holy hell. "Thank you." So much.

The two went their separate ways. Tommy feels as though he's walking on clouds. Sloan doesn't feel an ounce tired as she lays in bed, flattered by the kind words shared tonight.

Once he's home, he doesn't resort to the drugs as a sleep aid, but rather, Thomas falls asleep dreaming pleasantly of Sloan.

The two became inseparable. Thomas surprised Sloan with flowers the following day, he took her to Johnny's Yard, where they spent an evening under the stars. They held hands this time, and he smiled and laughed more. He wanted to kiss her lips again, and she wanted nothing but the same.

"You've brought me to the outskirts of the Small Heath, where there are portable homes and plenty of cow shit to keep a garden alive for years!" Sloan pinched her nose, giving Tommy a silly face as she sat beside him. "I wish you had told me, I wouldn't have worn heels."

The two of them sat under the stars. The soft autumn breeze was welcoming. The women from the homes had prepared a dinner for the young couple. Thomas was adamant on keeping Sloan out of the city. Campbell had harmed Polly just hours ago, and that scared Thomas. He feels conflicted though, with admitting to his family that he fancies the Inspectors daughter. Thomas doesn't quite know what to do.

"I reckon I was conceived here." He whispers, kissing the top of her head.

Sloan laughs, burying her face in his chest. "Well I'm honoured to be here, then. Despite the cow shit."

Thomas flushes. "I want to own this land someday."

"You should." She looks up and smiles at him.

"I've never told anyone that before," Tommy chuckles. He notices the long grass shift in the wind. "I've never really thought about the future like this, before."

"Why?"

"There was nothing really good for me to look forward to until now." He found himself looking at Sloan before admiring. "Until I met you."

Her heart melts, and she lunges at him, covering him in kisses.

Laying together afterward, Sloan had noticed the stars in the sky settle into bright white lights. She smiles helplessly, cuddling into his chest, the smell of him is delicious.

Thomas also gets lost in the night sky, with his lady by his side, what else can he do except take a deep breath and feel like life is complete. That night the two of them made love under the stars. It was slow and soft, yet feverish and passionate.

Sloan had giggled as the Thomas laid on his back struggling to breathe. "What is it?" He asked, oh, he could hear Sloan laugh forever.

"I've never made love outdoors before." She whispers.

"Nor have I." He replies honestly.

The two lay nested together until they fall asleep.

He had been stalling with the boys. Apparently things between "Grace the Barmaid" and Thomas had been progressing. The boys believed it, gullible they are. Polly stuck her nose up as Thomas told the family a lie. But regardless, they agreed, a day after tomorrow, they were to kill Sloan Campbell.

That evening as the two of them laid naked, listening to their soft breaths and the night sky, he had something very important to say. Something that's been occupying his mind since the first time the two of them went on a date.

"Sloan, why aren't your father and you close?"

Certainly she's just as fucked as her father is. It was John who said that as a way to excuse the fact that they were going to kill a woman.

"Well I don't agree with the things my father does, his values, his beliefs, they're...well, they're quite terrible." She reveals, feeling comfortable with talking to Tommy about this. "Aside from the fact that he used to hurt my mum."

He grits his teeth at the thought of young Sloan having to witness any form of abuse within the home.

Thomas cradled her head on his chest, as he tended to do after the two of them made sweet, sweet love. So, John was wrong, she isn't bad like her dad. She's just as loving and good as Thomas knew she was all along.

With that, he goes on to ask her an extremely important question. "Do you reckon you love me, Sloan?"

She stops running her hand over his chest and sits up to look at him. She's red from the sex, or perhaps it's the question he's asked her. "Tommy-"

Thomas sits up and combs through her hair. The loose curls that fall from her bun. "Honestly. Do you?"

"I..." She said, her eyes drift elsewhere. "I do have strong feelings for you but love?"

He swallows, making up his mind rather quickly. "I love you, Sloan. And I'm going to propose somethin' and I want you to listen to me."

Her eyes widen.

"Come away with me. Let's go somewhere only we know, somewhere quiet and freeing and-"

She puts a finger on his mouth. "What are you talking about? Running away?"

He grabs her wrist and Tommy leans in to run a hand over his jaw. He gets lost in her sincere eyes. "I don't much about the world, Sloan. Hell, I feel as though I barely know meself sometimes. But a life with you, I do want. I-I need it, to be honest." He set his lips firmly, his time his thumb runs over her bottom lip. "I'm certain about you."

"We can't run away together."

"Why not? I've got enough money to travel the world-" Please, please, please allow me this!

"I want to stay here." She whispered, watching the colour in Tommy's eyes shift from a soft blue to a the bright sea blue. Her fingers caress his cheek just as he was doing to her. "With you, n-not run."

His shoulders dropped. But he had hope, one last sliver of hope. Thomas noticed the crease in between her forehead and gently kissed it. "Meet me here tomorrow evening. Think about it, Sloan. I'll have my bags packed, and I hope you will too."

She nods, agreeing that she'll consider the idea of running away with Tommy.

Unfortunately, that night, when Tommy dropped her off at the hotel, he didn't receive a goodnight kiss.

Sloan didn't sleep. She paced around with nothing but an occupied mind. The truth was, she was beginning to fall deeply in love with Tommy. But to run away? It was something she didn't want.

It led to so many questions, like why did he want to run away? Why was he so adamant? Sloan felt her heart sink to her stomach as her heart rate lowered, she fell asleep with nothing but an aching heart.

The following morning, Tommy stood before his family. Today was the day Sloan Campbell was to be murdered. Polly still hadn't a clue of their plans so she was not invited to the final meeting. The entirety of that meeting, Tommy was quiet. He had his bags packed at home. He had sent a letter addressed to her to the Midland Hotel, a love letter if you will. One that contains solid information that will hopefully push Sloan into leaving with him. 

"Why is he being so quiet?" John had grumbled to Arthur who shrugged.

"I 'ave no fuckin' clue." He whispered back before the doors to the Garrison opened, revealing a shaken Polly. Her eyes are hungry for blood, her eyes set on Tommy.

"Been doin' your job have you?" She asks, hasty and panicked.

"What?"

"Spying on Campbell's child, Tommy, hows that been?!" She’s got her hands on her hips.

Fuck. He's been caught. Before he can confess, or lie, he cheek is met with Polly's hand. She slaps her nephew hard, like when she had caught him stealing from the baker down the street.

"Have you no disregard for this family?! You're fucking his daughter!"

Arthur stood from his seat, his eyes meet Thomas’s. "What the fuck is she talking about, Tom?"

“Oh yea, I’ve heard about the love letter you’ve written to her. The delivery man was practically shaking in his boots, Tom! Soon, Campbell himself will know about this!” 

“Listen to me-” Thomas begins, but Arthur lunges forward but John grabs his older brother. 

“Enough, Arthur! Sit down!” 

“I ought to kill the both of youse!” Arthur barks.

"She can't get hurt, Arthur! Oi! Listen to me!" The brother was clearly upset by how nonchalant Arthur was to his statement. Only once the brothers met each other's eyes did Thomas feel comfortable enough to speak again. "She can't get hurt."

"She's our enemy, what the fuck do you mean she can't get hurt?!" Arthur's eyes widen, he can't wrap his head around Thomas's statement. Not even a bloody week ago, the two were plotting her death.

Thomas grabs a fistful of his brothers shirt and pulls him to his chest. "You lay a finger on her and I swear, Arthur..."

"She's Campbell's daughter." He reminds his brother, just in case he tumbled and took a fall for the worse. John tries to break the two up, but there isn’t a soul that can tame Thomas when he’s passionately angry. 

But with the weak way Thomas executes his words, Arthur feels a pang in his heart. He knows that his brothers fell spellbound to the lady.

"Fuckin' hell, Tom..." Arthur takes a step back, swallowing. “You've fallen for her, haven't youse."

"She's happy." Thomas whispers, looking down as he chucked his cigarette on the cold street. "With me, I mean, she's happy."

“Fucking hell!” Arthur slams his hand against the table. “Out of all the girls in the land, you pick her!” Of course Arthur was thrilled for his brother, after all, he hadn’t been with a woman since before the war. But Sloan was too risky.

Polly speaks, "Tommy, you cannot love a woman like that, she, her father is an inspector for the government."

"But I am."

"You are what?" She's afraid to even ask.

"In love with her." He whispered.

“What do you want to do then?” Arthur finally asked after calming down. “Marry her and run off?” 

He felt his breath shake, “I honestly don’t know.” 

And yet, he found himself in Johnny's Yard at dawn. Thomas stilled as she stood on the grounds. He had wished, prayed and pleaded that she would accept his letter and pack her belongings. He saw her frame at the top of the hill, she stood beside the tree the two had laid in the past two evenings. Sloan’s heart was breaking as she stood by herself. No bags packed, all she had was the letter he had sent her at her side. She had met him here, this was the second time, and like the first, Sloan was quite anxious of what was to come.

Thomas didn’t allow the time or heart to say anything, so, instead, he cocked his gun back and swallowed. With her back to him, be began. "In the bleak midwinter."

She was shaking, and it pained Thomas to see her this way. She dropped the letter, the wind consumed it. Thomas looked up and watched as the love letter soared into the air.

"Thomas," She whispered. Sloan felt her heart in her throat, choking her. She clenched her fists. "Please why are you-"

"Shut up!" He snapped, it tore him apart. "Shut up."

Tears roll down Sloan's cheeks, all she can do is muster the strength to turn around. Her eyes met Thomas's, and when she saw the barrel of the gun, Sloan did feel like dying. Her heart was broken, the man she had fallen so rapidly in love with was going to kill her. This was a devastating love story. A tragedy she had read about in Julius book, Creid Erton.

"You didn't mean any of it then?" Sloan's voice is shaky as she speaks so timidly. "The love, the vow to protect me."

“I told you we should leave together. You should have listened.” His eyes glazed over. “You should have listened!” He shouts, and his fingers rim the trigger. 

There is a pop, and a bullet sores between the two. Tommy grabs Sloan and forces her to the ground, she gasps, looking up at Thomas who shields her, “Stay down.” He tells her. 

“Sloan!” Campbell’s voice comes from the bottom of the hill. “Shelby, you bastard, give me my daughter!” 

Sloan panics. “Let me talk to him” She tells Thomas, “He won’t hurt me if I tell him I’m safe-” 

“No!” 

“You pointed a gun at me, he thinks you’ll kill me.” 

Fuck, she’s right. “Be careful, please.” Thomas allows for her to stand, she slowly makes her way towards her father. 

“Dad, I’m alright.” She has her hands up. 

“What the bloody hell, Sloan?! What are you doing with Tommy? Do you know who this man is?!” Campbell lowers his weapon. 

“I love him, dad.” She starts.

“Love!?” He laughs, and raises his gun. “Yer just as stupid as yer mother.”

Thomas gasps and Sloan lets out a cry before a stray bullet punctures her shoulder, she falls back and sees the beautiful sky. Thomas is on his feet and shooting at Campbell who dies from a gunshot to the head. 

He races down the hill and grabs Sloan who is losing more blood every second. Thomas put pressure on it, and she screams in pain. He repeats that he loves her, and he’s sorry. Her world goes dark and the next time Sloan wakes up, she’s in a hospital in Belfast. 

And Tommy Shelby is nothing but a memory.

[eiwyn]

NON ADOPTEES SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FUXKING LISTEN

i just saw a stupid fcking post with obviously white non-adopted feminists tryna look good and openminded and progressive and understanding by promoting adoption without having any idea what they’re talking about lmao can someone just kill me already. why is adoption so romanticized? why do ppl think adoptes just ”wait” to get adopted and that adoptive parents are some sort of ”heros” or ”good people” for adopting??? why do white rich ppl think they have MORE right to have another persons child than the fuxking biological parent themselves?? that must be like the most toxic mindset and its SOOOOO typical white rich ppl and their savior complex. THEY know BETTER on how to take care of brown poor peoples children than themselves. like this is just colonial bullshit. you’re stealing poor brown peoples children and excuse yourself with ”knowing better”????? you have every fucking money and privilege in the WORLD to help brown poor people to stay with their children or use birth control, yet you DONT!!!! bc you USE them to boost your disgusting white rich savior image. im so triggered by non-adoptees talking about adoption. that post had like 200k + and im just here like.... youre all fucking stupid. honestly. ITS NOT THAT EASY, STOP TREATING US AS OBJEVTS, STOP TALKING OVER OUR HEADS AND START LISTEN TO ACTUAL ADOPTEES god i hate them so much lmaooo. its just SO FUCKING CRINGE, they literally out there wanna feel good about themselves for being so ”openminded” and ”seeing adoptees as children lile their own” like wow you want a fucking prize or smth?? they act like the prejudices they face are the WORST ever when in fact, the prejudices adoptees face from their adoptive parents are WAY worse than any random stranger saying ”i could never adopt”. i just wanna say that adoption isn’t something good and anyone who thinks that is dumb af and can unfollow me right now. now repeat after me; ASOPTION IS NOT GOOD. ADOPTION IS TRQUMA. like why would it be GOOD TO BE ABANDONED BY YOUR PARENTS, HAVING TRAUMATIC ISSUES, THEN GET YOURSELF A PAIR OF WHITE ADOPTIVE PARENTS WHO ACT AS OF THEY DID YOU A SERVICE BY ADOPTING??? adoptive parents dont want to help children lmaoo. they just want a child + feel good about themselves. white rich adoptive parents have EVERY PRIVILEGE IN THE WORLD to help poor brown families stay together, wether its about birth control or financial contribution and less racism. but nope, they don’t. because they know they can use these poor people to adopt their children. it’s capitalism and colonialism in a nutshell. rich ppl loves to think they help poor people by exploiting them as if they were slaves. and white ppl loves to exploit brown ppl and take their babies and ”assimilate”, ”civilize” them. i hate white feminists who think adoption is the solution to everything. i hate white feminists who think poc and gays and poor ppl should adopt more because ”thats so progressive and diverse” without thinking of the DAMAGE adoption caused children?? like lmao you think its fun to be shipped around the first few years of your life??? you think this will just ”get better” later? (you fucking inhumane piece of shit. i got big abandonment issues and im emotionally unstable which has caused me to fuck up many relationships, only making my abandonment issues growing stronger. and thats probably smth i’ll have to learn to live with for the rest of mt life. fick you.) you promote for minority and oppressed groups to adopt without even realizing that its THESE GROUPS adoptees come from?? like maybe you should HELP THEM keep their children instead?? i know whites in the america who make like campaings and shit so ppl can DONATE to them so they can ADOPT????? but they cant even help the MOTHER to KEEP her child???? not to talk about sweden were adoptive parents get 80k to adopt bc ”poor ppl should also be able to adopt” but us ADOPTEES dont get ANYTHING to be able to revisit our home countries??? no instead we have to pay a membership flr these disgusting adoption orgnakzations, tell them our whole life story and our revisit and PROMOTE their organisation so OTHER adoptees will pay them and OTHER adoptive parents wanna adopt with them??? yeah. unpopular opinion but adoption is fucked up. adoption isnt a human right, no one has the right to take another persons child. however the CHILD has the right to know who their parents are and where they come from. adoption is nothing but human trafficking and capitalism, racism, colonialism and sexism all in one. and i refuse to think otherwise. also if you’re not adopted, then dont fucking speak about us. dont fucking talk about us. you think you’re our allies LMAO you think its us ”adoptive parents and adoptees against the evil ignorant racists” but you’re fuxking wrong. its US ADOPTEES agains adoptive parents and adoptive prganisations constantly trying to profit from our seperstion with our biological families. youre not our fkn allies, you dont undersyand shit. do you know how many times ive spent my free time in trying to educate adoptive parents FOR THE SAKE OF THEIR CHILDREN and they dont undersyand nor care a shit?? its not bc they’re stupid. i grew up with the same parents, i learn everytjing mysELF (thanks to other adoptees, thanks to my experiences as a brown adopted woman and thanks to my interest for polticis and human rights). if I CAN DO IT SO CAN YOU. ppl get so triggered when adoptees question adoption y’all be like ”omg u must have had a shit childhood im so sorry for you”, ”wow youre SOOO ungrateful!!! you should just have been a child prostitute back in asia then???” (lmao that says a lot about tour fucking reasons bejind adopting and your fucking pride. so many adoptees being threatened to be sent back, guilt tripping them, which definitely is abuse but no one gives af about that). people get so triggered by adoptees questioning adoption but they dont undersyand my adoption isn’t better or worse than anyone elses. ppl assume im mentally ill or hate my adoptive parents but in reality i just hate capitalism, racism, sexism and classism. like its not that hard to understand lmao. ITS COMMON FUCKING SENSE YOU CANT CLAIM TO CARE ABOUT WOMEN, POC OR POOR PEOPLE WITHOUT VARING ABOUT ADORPEES. yet its SOOOO taboo to claim youre against adoption bc adoption is so romanticized due to all the whites saving war orphans. its not adoption ”in itself” im against FUCKING OBVIOUSLY but the INDUSTRY. like idgaf if your step father, who’s been your stepfather since u were 2 after your biological dad died, adopts you?? im obviously against the exploitation of poor people but that is SOOOO TABOO even among ”feminists” which i find so fkn weird tbh and EXTREMELY hypocritical. adoption is a feminist issue, yet no one gives af. if you’re one of those people promoting adoption, CLAIMING to care about us, but agtually u just want money/children and to look good then fuck you block my ass and dont ever look at a child ever fuxking again.

[indieks]

Not So Randomly | Part 2/5

🌟 Pairing : Im Changkyun (I.M) x Reader

🌟 Genre : Fluff, Angst

🌟 Warnings : Contains a few mentions of underage drinking (both characters are 18 so it’s the not the legal age in Korea)

🌟 Word count : 8.7k

🌟 Synopsis : Whenever you cross the path of Im Changkyun, that guy you hate and that hates you, it seems to be the worst day of your life. But, strangely enough, it also becomes the best and most accurate of moments you’ve ever had. So, the more you randomly end up stucked with each other, the more a question can arise : is it really chance that has something against you, or is it serendipity that drives you one towards the other?

Previous Part .:. Next Part

🌟 A/N : Okay so this part is going to focus more on I.M’s feelings and POV! 

I also wanted to say a huge thank you to the people who have read the previous part, without your attention I wouldn’t have been able to publish this one, so here I am, not letting you down without any sequel! Thank you to those who will read it just now or later too! Hope you like it ♥

Disclaimer : any gifs or images used, even edited, , are not mine and belong to their rightful owners!

***

  He ignored you all the week following your trespass in his group of friends, and so did you, relieved to have a little bit of peace, but you still felt strange about his silent treatment. No more nagging, no more bashing, not even one look from the corner of his eye ; it was as if you both had become ghosts no longer seeing themselves instead of ones appearing randomly in front of each other. During your free time, you walked carefully, looking around you at every step you took, but you only spotted him once or twice, playing far away from you on the beach without catching the sight of you in return.

It went on until the Friday of the party, when the grandma you worked with had to leave the both of you to handle her service, as she had to look after her grandchildren exceptionally. She drove her van with the supplies to the market and explained to you the last few tricks she could give you, before disappearing for the rest of the day. Even if it had already been a month you’d been there, even if you had already done what she asked you to do and didn’t need to worry, you still felt nervous at the idea of being all alone with him. Changkyun started to unpack and prepare things as if nothing had changed but, without you knowing, he was feeling even more uneasy than you.

His hyungs had pinpointed to him that he always seemed to drift into his thoughts since the beginning of summer or, more accurately, since he met you. At first, he had attributed this to tiredness, from waking up early after having spent the first hours of the morning hanging out with his friends, or from working in general – less than you, he knew that, but you deserved it. But somehow, he came to realize that whenever the boys had gotten him out of his trance, you had been the last thing he was thinking of. When he was in your company, it was an easy task for him to ignore you as he had other things to focus on and customers’ presence to monopolize his attention. But as soon as you turned your back on him and disappeared from his sight till the next morning, he couldn’t stop his mind to doze off because of you.

Not that his friends weren’t a good distraction, but maybe being with people he could be himself with, wasn’t helping at all. He didn’t need to be invested all the time with them as he was supposed to at work or with strangers to seem polite ; then, images of you he unconsciously had engraved in his mind came crashing against his brain like the waves he was floating in every afternoon, and Changkyun was gone. He was gone in the depths of his own imagination, remembering how you looked when you yawned, when you smiled to clients, when you stared at him confused and upset after one of his rebukes, when you pulled your hair into that messy bun that looked anything but messy to him – STOP. When did it start?

The first week, he had been sure of being mad at you and wanting nothing else but for you to disappear or for your voice not to sound so annoying in his ears. How come now he could get up easily after the first ring of his alarm or be chuckling when you shut him up? Whenever he had felt his lips curve into something far away from a neutral expression, he had wanted to slap himself for letting a girl so easily sway him when he had asked for nothing else but to chill this summer. No work, no early schedule, and certainly not a summer crush for a girl that had destroyed those very plans.

Stand your ground, Changkyun. He had said this to himself the first time his heart had definitely betrayed him, that is to say when you coincidently met on the promenade and he hadn’t been able to unleash his eyes from your silhouette turning away from him. This same lecture had been screamed inside the second time in the park, when he had felt sweaty all of a sudden just because he had thought “she’s fucking pretty”, just before coming to you and accusing you of following him – which, deep inside of him, he had wished you had in order to be assured he wasn’t the only one starting to get obsessed in this relationship. Not talking about the third time at the café, when he saw you blend perfectly with his closest friends and had to fight the urge to stop them from sympathizing and smiling too much with you when he hadn’t granted himself the right to.

Without you knowing, Changkyun was also feeling he was being followed by your ghost and it petrified and upset him as much as it had done with you. Still, he was deciding not to believe in ghosts as he always had, and at the same time not to believe in the terrifying effect you had on him by being just like one. No, he wasn’t going to get lured into your feminine trap ; no, you weren’t going to take his soul with you once you’d gotten to his feelings. If he was the main role of this horror story where chance was against him and, like some grim ripper, pushing him to the beautiful girl always appearing in front of his eyes when she wasn’t haunting his head, then he was going to be smarter than those characters that die stupidly in the films because of their fear. If he didn’t believe nor didn’t pay attention to you and the sensations you were giving him, then you would eventually stop bugging him. Right…?

Oh, how he had wished his persuasive lectures weren’t only intern dialogues that were not reaching his deaf heart and mind. How he had wished he was insensitive to your aura, and then not got distracted by your frame next to him this Friday morning, the both of you working in silence. How bad he regretted it when he cut his left hand deep because he was looking at you and not the piece of beef he had been holding on the counter for two minutes without doing anything to it.

“Shit” Changkyun murmured and he tried to hide it from you, ashamed and – once again – annoyed that you would see his clumsy self for the first time, giving you something to laugh at him.

Fortunately for his pride, no one was before your counter right now to witness his lameness. Blood was spilling from the palm of his hand and it started to hurt really bad, so bad he finally released a moan that got your attention, and you gasped at the sight of the red puddle forming before him.

“Did you cut yourself?!” you exclaimed.

What the???? She should be laughing at me right now, not get worried.

“What do you think? Congrats captain obvious” he hissed, trying to sponge the flow of deep red liquid in his apron.

“We need to stop the bleeding and disinfect it! Is it deep?” you said while reaching quickly to grab his hand, making his eyes open wide. “Do you know a hospital near here? We can’t let you like this!”

“I’m fine, Y/N, calm your nurse instincts right now” he answered, freeing his hand from your gentle grasp that had tinted your fingers with his blood.

But his contorted face was betraying him, as well as the bleeding that wouldn’t stop despite how much pressure he was adding on it – causing him even more pain.

“Listen, I don’t care about your manly pride or whatever it is that you’re showcasing right now! If you don’t want to go to the hospital, then fine, but at least let me take you to my parents’ car. There is an emergency kit because they feared I would be the one to hurt myself…” you half laughed. “We’re going to ask someone to watch over our stand.”

You grabbed his right wrist and started to pull at it for him to follow you, but he was resisting hard and not budging, as if his feet were now one with the ground.

“I’m not getting dragged by you like a poor child! I said I’m fine!” he almost screamed at you and people around diverted their gazes to look at you, making him hide his wounded hand behind his back, smiling awkwardly.

However, his smile soon disappeared when he saw how furious you looked when you turned on your heels to face him before getting close to him again – too close, go away you ghost – and when you got to hold his hand after some little fight with him, you put some pressure right on the wound.

“Ouch! It hurts, are you crazy?!”

“See? You’re not fine you dumbass, so follow me and stop being stubborn!”

Once again you put your hand on him, once again he could feel your touch that burned him despite the sleeve of his shirt, once again you were drowning his brain into your waves, making him unable to say no anymore. You dragged him through the alleys after having asked your stand neighbor to look after yours for the time being, and got out of the market. Changkyun had his eyes glued to your now red hand on his wrist, his brows furrowed as he felt his arm going numb under your touch. Your parents’ van was parked in a quiet street across the market, and you opened its big trunk hastily while the boy waited behind you, in his same nonchalant posture with his feet tapping nervously on the ground. The sun was almost reaching its peak in the sky, shining upon your heads and when you turned around after having found the white box, you tried your best to keep a poker face as he was stunning. You sat down in your truck with one leg folded on the inside and the other one dangling over the edge, and invited him to come and face you, to what he surprisingly obliged without saying a word or giving you a look.

“Tell me if it hurts” you said quietly as he surprisingly again offered you his wounded hand.

“It would anyway y'know” he answered with his pissed tone, the one he used exclusively with you, a mix of something real deep but sometimes a little bit whiny.

You put some disinfectant on a cotton pad and started to wipe away the blood that had drained everywhere on his hand and wrist, and the boy moaned again a little, instinctively trying to get away from your grasp while killing you with his eyes.

“You’re such a crybaby I swear” you laughed.

“Shut up. I would love to see you in my place.”

His hand was beautiful and soft now that you had cleaned it, and you stood still a few minutes, holding a compress again the cut to stop the bleeding. He was staring at you while you were looking at your fingers around the back of his hand, now finally aware of how close he was to you and how delicate that physical contact was, making your legs wobble once again. As your mind had been focused on treating him quickly, you hadn’t had the time to realize what that incident had implied, nor how, for the first time after a month of being together, Changkyun was cooperative and… normal. The silence between you wasn’t disturbing or awkward like a few minutes sooner in the market, and as you were facing him but not looking him in the eye, you chose to observe the upper part of his chest going up and down as he breathed steadily, the few opened buttons of his shirt making the fabric lose but falling perfectly on him.

The blood finally stopped from coming and after cleaning another time, you cut a piece of bandage before rolling it around his hand slowly, your fingers never stopping from brushing his skin. Changkyun hadn’t moved his eyes from your face an instant, his mouth shut even if he was screaming internally the lecture he had unsuccessfully told himself the three other times before. Stand your ground! You won’t like her! But how come your hand around his felt fucking right in its place?

“Done!” you finally said, a smile on your lips that started to fade away when you finally landed your eyes on his face that was unreadable, while he had already been looking at you all this time.

Time seemed to stop for a few seconds such as your heartbeats as you stared at each other wordlessly, until you finally let go of his hand and drifted in your seat to stop facing him.

“Thank you” he suddenly said, his beautiful low voice melting in your ears and you only nodded in acknowledgement before getting up, wanting this weird moment to end.

He had let the words roll off his tongue as he had lost himself in your eyes and touch, and if he had been convinced that he could prevent the aura from your person to wash over his, he was proven wrong at this right moment, when he wouldn’t have been able to break from your physical link if you hadn’t first.

  ***

  You were facing the mirror of your wardrobe in your umpteenth outfit for tonight, but the more you tried some pieces of clothes, the less it seemed like the new choice was better than the previous. Memories of the morning were buzzing in your head, how tension had been thick after you had regained your jobs behind the counter, how you both didn’t say a word even when he went his way and you yours at noon, not bothering to create a common lie to tell your parents. From time to time, your gazes had met and it had frozen you, because you hadn’t read any sign of despise in his pupils. He had just been looking at you, not more, not less, and it had been enough to shake your inner emotions.

As it grew chilly at night, with the sea wind sweeping Busan’s streets, you finally opted for a high-waisted pair of jeans with an off-shoulders long sleeved black crop top, before lacing some glittery sneakers for the party feeling. Your swimsuit and beach towel thrown in your backpack, you finally went out of your house after telling your parents Changkyun was going to pick you up and you’d go to his friend’s house together, when in reality, he wasn’t. You hadn’t talked about tonight, you hadn’t dare to bring the subject and with Minhyuk’s address on your phone, you had decided to go to his place by the bus you’ve found about on the internet and then walk to there alone, loving the city at night.

The bus stop was downtown, only ten minutes away from your house, and when you arrived there, a little crowd was waiting on the sidewalk. You posted yourself on the left side, and as you checked your makeup one last time in your phone’s screen, you saw his reflection next to your face. You almost dropped the electronic item due to shock, scared that you were really seeing things now, but when you slowly turned around to look behind you, Changkyun was really there. He was looking at you with his ultimate poker face while your eyes were ready to jump out of their holes because of what they had before them, hardly believing that he was squatting in front of the entrance of a closed store, in an all-black outfit that boosted his charms in some ways you wished didn’t affect you.

Changkyun had seen you through the bus stop’s glass since you had appeared on the other side of the road, his heart racing and racing at each of your footsteps leading you closer to him. Even when you were far away and in a crowded place, his eyes seemed to be infatuated by your light as they never failed to target you. He took a little time to wrap his head around what was going on, impressed at how the words “coincidence” and “chance” were definitely hanging above your relationship and preventing him from distancing himself from you. And there you were, looking all shocked at his sight, your pretty red-tinted lips slightly parted and your doe eyes opened big ; and there he was, escaping his cursed destiny to meet you all the time as he stood up on both his feet and, instead of greeting you, passed you and entered the bus who had arrived right on time.

You followed him without a word, still knocked out, but you decided to sit beside him even if he had tried to avoid you.

“What are you doing? I’m already annoyed that I’ve met you that soon when I’m going to see you all night, so no need to stick with me in addition to that” he coldly said, looking outside the window.

You chuckled, making him snap his head in your direction with a confused expression disguising his traits.

“What makes you laugh?”

“Don’t you think it’s fucking funny? How we always meet each other when we exactly don’t want to?” you answered, still quietly laughing and, because you were too overtaken by the situation to get shaken by his proximity, you dared to look at him in the eyes.

Changkyun searched your face for a few seconds, struck by your boldness and how you pointed at the facts with a smile while it made him panic.

“I don’t think it’s funny, I find it pretty irritating.” he finally stated as he pushed his body closer to the window, wanting to be as far from you as possible.

“Well I find it funny. If chance has decided to laugh at us, we should be laughing as well instead of giving it what it wants by getting upset.”

You had finally stopped laughing, your eyes staring outside at the dots of light created by the public lightning and the cars, but you caught a glimpse of his blurred reflection and saw that he was indirectly looking at you. Small glances and weird sensations went on until you had to get off the bus, and Changkyun immediately pressed his pace, the heels of his leather boots resounding in the quiet street. But when you saw he hadn’t the bandage you had made hours earlier anymore, you caught him by the arm, making him stop to turn around and look at you.

“What again? Leave me alone!” he exclaimed, shaking his arm off of your grasp.

“Why don’t you have it anymore?!” you asked, showing his left hand with a move of yours.

Changkyun sighed and started to advance backwards, clearly annoyed that you had noticed as he put the hand in the pocket of his jacket.

“I told you that I was fine. You wouldn’t let go of me this morning so yeah, I obliged, but I took it off as soon as we weren’t together.”

Weirdly, you felt stricken by his words, your heart compressing itself in your chest and he saw it, as your face changed and hardened, making him anticipate your next words.

“Okay, I don’t care anyway, I just made it so that my parents weren’t going to yell at me for not doing anything when my fake friend hurt himself.”

With that being said, you were the one to walk quickly this time, leaving him behind with his lips forming a thin line as you succeeded in planting the doubt in his head about the origins of your actions.

“Oh right? You looked quite worried this morning!” he added with a louder tone, his voice laced with slyness while in reality, he was trying to ensure himself you had been concerned.

“You wish. Maybe for my ass, but clearly not for yours” you grumbled through your teeth, not bothering to look at him who was now walking next to you.

You both were lying simultaneously, you as you clearly had been worried for him, Changkyun as he simply had removed the bandage when he took a shower and didn’t bother to make another one before going out. You, because you had just been somehow disappointed at his words, realizing that a jerk remains one and that you shouldn’t be fantasizing like you did all day long about how he had looked at you this morning, how he had let you touch him and how you had been trembling doing so ; him, because he still refused to let you reach him any further than from skin to skin, ignoring the signals his body and mind gave him. You and him, because you both were disturbed by how you sensed everything was growing wrongfully right between the two of you.

You stormed to Minhyuk’s front door, hearing music coming out loud from the garden and voices chatting cheerfully. When the brown haired sunshine opened up, a bright smile on his face, you suddenly felt shy but the need to escape Changkyun urged you inside with bold steps. The latter came in right after, earning a curious look from his friend but he brushed him off, focusing on having a good night and forgetting you and whatever you were doing to him. Minhyuk’s house – or rather villa – was stunning, modern but warm, with huge ceiling height and tastefully chosen decorations, from the colorful paintings to the flower pots and plants, and the family photographs hanged proudly on the walls.

“Oh Y/N you came! Come here!” Hoseok greeted from the terrace, wearing nothing but his swimming shorts, his well-built body drying your mouth even from far away.

You made your way through the little crowd formed in the opened kitchen, not sensing that Changkyun was right behind you and going the same way. When you reached his friend though, he reappeared next to you, without his jacket on but only his black tank top he had been hiding under it as well as a silver chain hanging around his neck, making your heart burst but your anger from earlier helped you to handle it. The terrace and garden were splendid, with tinsels hanging above your heads and the long glowing swimming pool waiting for you, as the party was just about to begin. The smell of barbecue came to your nostrils, covering the ones of chlorine and cigarettes some people were smoking next to you.

“How are you?” the blonde guy asked you before drinking in his red cup.

“Fine and you?” you answered with a smile, earning a look from Changkyun on your left.

“Great! You know you’re the youngest here right? But we need to introduce you to our friends! Ya Lee Minhyuk, come and welcome your guest properly would you?!” he finally shouted with a beautiful smile, making you laugh and turn around to see your host coming.

He grabbed you by the shoulders and went under a rally of presentations from group of people to group of people, making you extremely shy but also appreciative of his efforts to make you comfortable in an environment you were new to. Once you returned to Hoseok who had been joined by Kihyun, Changkyun had fled the scene and you looked for him despite you, finding him with Jooheon and some girls behind the island of the kitchen with a cup already in his hands.

“You want something to drink? I know you’re underage but… You’re turning 19 soon, aren’t you?” Hoseok asked, winking at you.

“Let’s keep it a secret, and I’m not that much of a drinker don’t worry, it’s just that orangey punch that calls me” you answered with a chuckle, and without another word the guy went to the big bowl of cocktail and brought you back a full cup.

“You can stay with us for the time being, don’t be uneasy, we already like you!” Kihyun said with a smile.

“Changkyun didn’t badmouth me? You guys should know he hates me…” you finally asked, curious about the reasons he would give his friends as you didn’t really know them yourself.

“Oh he only said that at the beginning because you made him work during his holidays, but now whenever we ask something he-”

“Heeeey let’s toast, we haven’t!” Hoseok cut Kihyun, giving him a warning look that his friend understood immediately while you were just frustrated with not having an answer, but asking again would be showing Changkyun too much interest and you were not interested in him. Well maybe you were, but he didn’t need to know.

Like that, you started to chat with them about anything and everything, Shownu and Hyungwon joining you and you were glad to be surrounded by such nice guys, making you forget about the presence of the individual that had been bothering you. Soon, Minhyuk initiated the pool party by jumping in fully clothed, and you grabbed your backpack to go change in one of the bedrooms upstairs. When you came back a few moments later – the time to convince yourself to assume your body –, everyone was already under water, boys playing something that was supposed to be water polo while girls were sitting on the edge, their legs dangling in the turquoise water. You sat on your own, too shy to go close to them until one of them nicely signaled you to join them, so you did, happy to having been taken into account. As Changkyun’s male friends, they were easy to chat with and lively, so you quickly felt at ease in spite of your younger age and your outsider character.

The party went on smoothly, you ignored Changkyun and he ignored you – at least you thought so, not noticing him ogling your unveiled and wet body when you were not observing his. With his wet hair and his big smile, he was beautiful ; still an asshole, but a beautiful one and you couldn’t take your eyes from him in the pool, hoping the darkness of the night was helping your gaze to stay unknown. You took part in water games, hopping onto Shownu’s shoulders to face another girl on Hoseok’s, and you won against her, making her fall into the water and all the party people applauded you lively. Like you with him, Changkyun was finding you stunning as he was seeing you being you, a shining and sociable person, a playing one, a smiling one, a cheerful one who could melt with any environment she was pushed in. With a bit of fiery liquid into his veins, his attraction for you became undeniable but also fighting against it unbearable, and the peak of his determination became at stake when a small group of you decided to play a card game on the grass.

Each card meant a different rule, and in your attempt of having some fun and blend in with people without having to go back to Changkyun’s friends all the time or, worse, himself, you had volunteered to play. After a few rounds of ridiculous “Never have I ever”, chains of words, sentences ending with rated words, but overall a lot of sips distributed – thankfully though you weren’t drinking anymore –, came the turn of Changkyun. He was sitting on your right as fate had wanted to test you once again by making the only empty spot for him the one next to you. To the 10th card he picked corresponded a truth or dare question and he hesitated, finally choosing dare as the players incited him to, but he regretted it as soon as he said the word.

“I dare you… To kiss Y/N for ten seconds” Jooheon said, fire in his eyes and a devilish smile that absorbed yours.

“What? No, no no no I’m not doing this” Changkyun vigorously protested as you were signaling no with your head and faked disgust with your face.

When in reality you were both craving to do so.

“C'mon, it’s just a mere kiss!” his friend answered, earning the cheers of the other players.

“You know what it means if you refuse? I don’t think you’re going to end well if you drink the number of sips Jooheon has in mind right now!” intervened Minhyuk, his crossed legs jumping rapidly.

“I said no! I don’t want to!” Changkyun exclaimed, and you almost felt hurt at how furiously he was refusing when it was just a kiss. Was it that awful for him to kiss you?

“Or maybe… That’s because you like each other?” Jooheon finally issued.

Your heartbeat stopped and you chuckled, laughing at how you couldn’t deny it immediately. Of course, you liked him, it annoyed you, but you liked him. However, he didn’t like you, and that was what made you even angrier for liking him first when he had been that rude to you.

“No we clearly don’t, it’s much like the contrary” you explained.

“Then it’s even more fun!” a girl pinpointed and you turned your head to Changkyun who looked like he was pondering his options.

And he was. He didn’t want to kiss you, because he was scared you’d win ; he was scared he wouldn’t be able to go back to the time he didn’t care about you ; he was scared he’d definitively have a thing for you, uselessly as you probably weren’t going to see each other after the end of the summer. But if he didn’t, you’d think exactly the same as his friends who were looking at him with suggestive smiles, you’d see how weak you were making him feel since two weeks, and he wasn’t going to give you that. It’s just a kiss, it proves nothing.

“Okay.” he finally sighed, his deep voice giving you much more chills than the answer itself.

“Really? We’re really doing this?” you finally asked, shocked that he wasn’t protesting any further.

“Yes we are, they’re trying to annoy me here but that doesn’t work as I don’t give a fuck about you so let’s get it over with already” Changkyun answered harshly and you saw Kihyun giving him a kick in his leg, making the youngest moan.

See, a jerk remains a jerk, Y/N, you said to yourself.

“You don’t need to be this rude to prove yourself, Changkyun-ah.”

The players applauded as you turned your head and chest to your right, your heart playing a rhythm that was new to you and your cheeks burning. The subdued lights of the tinsels outlined his face in the most perfect ways, from his long and sharp nose to his small lips, to his dark eyes that were looking at yours and then at your mouth with a glimpse of… Lust?

Changkyun reached his right hand and directed it towards your neck where he rested it, while his wounded one was grasping the grass really hard in order to calm him, to the point he was hurting but he didn’t care. His hooded eyes were focusing on the target of his lips, while his mind was going numb from the anticipation and the alcohol. Your wet self was gorgeous, more than the stars up there looking at you and waiting for this moment as much as him even if he feared it the most. And then, it happened. His lips on yours, kissing not only once but twice or thrice, he didn’t know, for ten seconds that felt like an eternity, making his blood boil into his veins and his head spin round.

And then, he felt it, the splash of emotions you were painting him with as he kissed you again and again; the wave of your colors replacing the one of your pictures in his head, and crashing against him really hard, but with a pleasure he couldn’t measure. Ten seconds Jooheon worked hard to count really slowly as he knew his best friend really well, and when Changkyun parted from you, he felt empty and so did you.

“There. Happy?” he suddenly said, his voice trembling a little as he was shifting in his seat, not even bothering to look at you while you still did.

Numb legs, tachycardia, hot cheeks, cold sweat and chills, but most of all the need to feel more of his lips ; that’s in how much of a mess he had left you. You didn’t have the time to process what had happened as it was your turn to pick and, as chance was still chasing after you, you also picked a 10, making everyone laugh except the both of you.

“Truth” you safely said, not wanting to get trapped into one of their plans to get you closer to their friend.

“You liked the kiss, didn’t you?” Hoseok asked and you felt betrayed even if his smile made his question smoother.

Lying wasn’t an option ; you had to, or else you were done for. But before you could even think of something, the banished word slipped from your lips still lingering in the feeling of his :

“Yes.”

Your tone was more desperate than what you had wanted it to be, and your eyes grew wide when you realized what you had just said. Changkyun froze next to you, not even daring to look at you who were trying to hide your embarrassment behind your wet hair, but everybody was looking at you and cheering.

“That’s what we call having some guts Y/N! You didn’t even lie, I can hear it! I was testing you and you didn’t disappoint me!” Hoseok exclaimed.

“Why would I lie though? He may be an asshole, but he’s still a good kisser, there’s nothing else to that” you laughed, trying to brush off your emotions with humor when in fact you were screaming on the inside.

“Thank… you?” Changkyun spoke up, an ounce of uncertainty in his voice and you only shrugged, playing the indifferent one to spare yourself from the explosion of his pride and his knowledge of your crush on him.

And it worked well, as his brows knotted and he tilted his head, not so sure about how you really had felt during the kiss. He shouldn’t be the only one losing his mind here, was he…? Another round went on and you couldn’t be with all your heart in it, as it was stucked in the feeling Changkyun had left in you. Not the butterflies yet, but a sparkle that was tingling in your chest and had not decided yet to go away. It was as if you had the image of his face growing close to yours tattooed under your eyelids, because every time you blinked, you saw it again : how his wet hair fell perfectly around his forehead, how his eyes stared at your lips till there wasn’t any space left between you, how the kiss, no, the kisses were intense and warm.

Meanwhile, Changkyun was struggling between the urge to kiss you again right here right now, and the one to move on as quickly as possible otherwise he was going to lose himself. And so he chose the latter option, right after the game ended with no more cards to pick up ; and so, he trailed his feet to the bar, taking an empty cup in his hand to fill it with beer and drinking up in no time ; and so, he got back in the swimming pool to wash out the dizzy feeling you had inlaid inside of him. However, his determination to prove himself he didn’t care about you made him do silly things, the power of alcohol boosting his confidence as well as his cocky side, and he started to flirt with other girls, the one in particular who had called him by his pet name the other day at the bar.

You couldn’t get over your remaining emotions and questions as you were still out of step, your soul having been absorbed a little bit more by each kiss he had eagerly given you. That’s why when you saw him kissing passionately another girl in the swimming pool shortly after, his bare torso against hers in bikini, his arms firmly engulfing her waist while hers were around his neck, you felt like you were going to puke and cry at the same time.

A jerk remains a jerk, Y/N.

Once again, you should have reminded yourself that he didn’t like you, that there was nothing for you to hold onto as there was nothing he could give you except for his despise and his indifference when you asked for his attention and his interest. You were so mad at yourself for having been touched by the syndrome of the summer romance so easily, adding to that the romantic cliché of getting attracted by the boy treating you badly, making yourself feeling ridiculous.

Suddenly, as you stood there watching them without winking, they got out of each other’s grasp and you saw Changkyun smiling confidently at you, as if he was saying right to your face “See? I don’t give a shit about you”, and that was the last straw. You needed to get out of here, feeling ashamed enough, so you stormed inside the house under his gaze and went upstairs to grab your backpack, going down as quickly as possible before getting out by the front door. Without saying goodbye, without one last look on the devastating smile on his face, you were going down the street and you felt hot tears prickling at the corner of your eyes, making you even more pissed.

“Y/N! Y/N!”

You heard the low voice you hated above everything yelling behind you, but you continued to walk fervently, refusing to see his face once again. Why was he following you? What did he want?

The second Changkyun had seen you go inside the villa, he had regretted what he had just done. He had felt weird, his lips itching and his heart beating fast, and when he saw you climbing upstairs then outside, he hurried himself out of water. He panicked, guided by his instinct to get dressed and then he followed you without thinking twice. His feet moved without his brain commanding them to, as it was shut off since you’ve kissed, and if he had thought seconds before he didn’t care about you like he did with other girls, his body was making him understand he couldn’t lie to himself anymore, at least not tonight with alcohol in his blood, with having felt your lips on his and how right it had been when with the other girl it felt odd.

“YA! Wait!” he screamed and you finally halted in your steps, not turning back though and he came in front of you, his swimming shorts still on while his top was gluing to his body due to water. “Where are you going?”

“Where do you think? Home, now if you don’t mind” you answered quickly, your throat tight because your need to puke and to cry was still there.

“I-I…I can’t let you go home alone like this” he suddenly stuttered, blocking you the way when you had tried to walk again.

“Leave me alone, I can go home by myself I’m a grown ass woman! Why do you care? What do you want?”

The moment your eyes met, his wide open due to shock at your burst of anger, yours now more than watery, you felt your heart ache and some tears finally spilled on your face. Shit…

“Wait wait w-… Why are you crying? Why are you crying? Why?” he asked incessantly, and you grew even more angry.

He didn’t deserve to see you like this. He didn’t deserve your tears in the first place. Why were you even crying? You tried another time to go away but he extended his arms and blocked you again, making you want to punch him right in the face.

“Oh shit what do you want, Im Changkyun? Why are you blocking me? You like to see me crying, you enjoy yourself? You want to humiliate me once again in no time, huh?!”

Your voice was trembling and your tears weren’t only due to shame and sadness anymore, they were now mixed with rage.

“Why are you crying?”

“Would you stop asking? It doesn’t concern you.”

“When you’ll have answered” he replied with a more serious tone, dropping his arms to his sides and you felt his gaze piercing your skull.

“Leave me alone, please” you finally pleaded while wiping the tears’ stains on your cheeks.

“I won’t let you go home alone at this hour” he said calmly and you looked up at his face lighten by the moon, seeing how resolved he was. “Wait here for me, I’m picking up my things and-”

“Why do you fucking care. Since when do you care about me” you chuckled between two quiet sobs.

He didn’t have the answer to this question, but there he was, unable to move aside to let you go. His heart was going at a crazy pace and his eyes were drifting again and again to your lips he wanted to taste another time selfishly ; yeah, it should be just that, just your kiss that had attracted his drunk self craving for more, not anything else.

“Like you with my hand, I don’t want my mother to kill me if she finds out you went home alone and stuff” he chose to answer, and you smiled sadly, not even disappointed at his indifference towards you as you didn’t hope anything anymore.

“You didn’t propose to go with me earlier, so why would you care about my return now? Stop playing the heroes or whatever and let me be. Don’t worry, I’ll tell my mom a lie like we did since the beginning, I don’t even know why you’re stressed about that right now.”

Changkyun stared at you wordlessly, his chin a little bit raised but this time it wasn’t in defiance, it was in pure admiration of your face still beautiful even when you were crying. He was blinking slowly, and drops from his hair were slowly making their way to his eyelids but even if he wasn’t the one sobbing here, he felt some kind of pain in his body. As much as he had loved annoying you, he couldn’t stand seeing you cry right now. You tried to move one more time and he repeated the same gesture, irritating you so much that you started to cry hard.

“Why are you crying again? What can I do to make you stop crying? Kiss you because I’m a good kisser?” he silly joked but he slapped himself internally when he caught the rage burning in your pupils.

He had panicked and didn’t know what to do, still ignoring how come he was facing you at this right moment, so everything that had been following his first steps outside was a result of his mind going crazy.

“You don’t know when to stop, do you. You’re really the worst asshole I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“I’m sorry I-”

“Save it. Get out of my sight, that’s what you can do to help me stop crying” you hissed.

Again, a kind of pain, a discomfort invaded him at your words. You were mirroring exactly what he had wanted since the beginning, you having nothing to do with him and him having nothing to do with you, but right now he didn’t want to see your door closing to his face. Not after he had touched your light behind it with that fucking kiss.

“If it’s because of me, I’m legit to know why and to stay right here” he overbid, making you roll your eyes and when you searched for your gauge of patience, you found out he had emptied it till the last drop, making you burst out.

“Because I got a crush on you, you fucking jerk! That’s why I’m crying, because it annoys me so much, ok? Happy now? You must be yeah, the girl you hate just gave you something to hurt her even more with, wouhouuu! Now will you let me go and go back to her, to your friends and living your life?!”

Changkyun grew mute in an instant, processing the words he had just heard but he was too scared to understand. You? Liked? Him???? How????? You just had the courage to look at his beautiful face one more time, his eyes lit up with panic just like you had imagined, and his mouth agape, that mouth that had been like the kiss of death, killing your cover right before his eyes for him to watch and to enjoy himself at the feeling of being liked. You took this chance to shove him out of your way and to walk again, a never-ending flow of tears slipping down your cheeks on fire and, as you had expected, he didn’t come after you this time.

  ***

  In fact, he didn’t come to work either. You had grown anxious like the night before his first working day a month ago, making you unable to sleep again. And when you realized he wasn’t coming, you felt your heart break. It wasn’t enough for him to humiliate you by kissing another girl right in front your eyes, after learning you had liked the kiss, no ; he couldn’t prevent himself to dig in your wound even deeper by running away from you for you to remember how one sided it was and how you just embarrassed him. You felt pitiful to some extent you didn’t know existed ; for crushing on him first, for having been that weak, for believing you had felt something coming from him at some point, like hoping he had felt that sparkle too.

You dealt with it the best you could, even if anger was piling up inside you at his childish behavior. Moreover, let aside the fact it must be because of you, how could he abandon the granny like this, disappearing without saying a word? She had asked you the reason of his absence on the Wednesday, and you had been kind enough to make up the excuse of sickness on his behalf. After hesitating, you finally asked directly his mother, and she informed you he was looking for somewhere else to work for the month of August, “wanting to change”, and she excused herself on his behalf. Everyone was explaining his behavior on his behalf, and you couldn’t take it anymore ; you needed to know how much of a coward he could be, what excuses he could possibly give you if you confronted him.

And so you did, this time asking for chance to help you come across him like you always did, and it heard you. You just had finished your morning service and decided to search through the city, going back to where you had met him every time, and you had been right ; you saw him at the same park from weeks ago, laughing wholeheartedly with his hyungs this time sitting on the grass, and this sight of him was the flame that caused your inner bomb to explode. You stormed in his direction, getting the worried looks of his friends that started to kick him and point at you, but by the time he looked over his shoulder you were already standing next to his sitting frame.

“Where have you been?!” you yelled, your heart back up in your throat and your temples beating at its pace.

Changkyun jumped on his feet and grabbed you by the wrist, dragging you away from his group of friends, his famous annoyed look recovering its place in his eyes.

“What do you want?” he asked you in an exasperated tone.

“I asked you a question. Why don’t you come to work anymore?”

“You asked me to get out of your sight so that you won’t cry anymore, so I just did, thank me for being considerate” he shrugged before crossing his arms.

Wow. You liked this kind of guy? What happened to you really?

“Really? And what about the granny, huh? You don’t give a shit about letting her down?”

“I was going to tell her so put the fangs away.”

“You really have no shame do you? Are you really avoiding me like a fucking coward instead of dealing with it? I’m not asking you for me, I don’t care if I see you or not, I’m asking you for her I mean how can you do this to her?!” you screamed, your hands up in frustration but Changkyun’s face wasn’t moving an inch, his eyes staring at you without life, as they always had – except on that damn Friday.

“Is it my fault that you like me? I didn’t leave because of your stupid crush on me! Why are you bringing that up? Deal with it yourself, I already forgot it y'know? I left because I want to work somewhere else, I don’t like the market so let me be! You only have one month left, you can handle it without me.”

He combed his hair with his wounded hand, the silver reflections so clear under the sun, and you bit your lip to prevent a sob from coming. Never had he been that mean to you, why that much harshness suddenly? When he had been the one coming after you and wanting to take you home a few days earlier? Did he wait for you to fall for him like you exactly did so that he could crush you even more?

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s a fucking stupid crush, so I’ll soon forget about what I found in you in the first place. You’re contributing so well to this, that’s what I should be thanking you for.”

Changkyun felt his heart compress itself in his chest but he didn’t show it, watching you turn on your heels and, once again, depart from him. He was paying the price of his lies, but he had been willing to do so.

The moment you had confessed your crush on him, he had been strangled by the hands of fear that also grabbed his feet and prevented him to come after you a second time. You liked him, he had heard you well, but he wasn’t brave enough like you to let go of his pride and admit he was feeling the same deep inside of him. He didn’t like this strange control you could have on him, like when you attracted him outside in the first place when he had set his mind on having fun with another girl. He didn’t like how bad it had hit him when you kissed. He didn’t like how scared he was, so he decided to run away from the situation.

Contradiction after contradiction, wondering after wondering, he had finally sobered and then used that coward card, so that you won’t cry anymore, so that you’ll despise him and help him forget about you. He didn’t think it was worth the shot, he didn’t attempt to give it a try, as summer would come to an end anyway and so would everything it had ravaged in its path, probably taking away your attractions to one another.

You engraved the picture of his face in your mind one last time before turning away from him, knowing it would probably be the last you’ll ever see him. You couldn’t see him anymore. This became your last unfortunate encounter till the end of summer, as you never came across his silhouette again after that, not going out of your room during your free time. At least, you had hoped it was the last ; but chance had decided otherwise.

 To be continued…

 A/N : T h a n k s  f o r  r e a d i n g  once again, I’ll update Part 3 as soon as I can!