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crazy-ache · 5 months ago

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Jane Eyre x Elucien Parallels (In-Depth Meta)

We've been told SJM loves the book Jane Eyre and we know that she has made some literary references to the novel in her own writing. For example, the most commonly known Elucien allusion is the one below:

Elain in ACOWAR: “It felt… strange,” Elain breathed. “Like you pulled on a thread tied to a rib.”

Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre: “I have a strange feeling with regard to you. As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave I'm afraid that cord of communion would snap. And I have a notion that I'd take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you'd forget me.”

This parallel is a HUGE clue. Now, let me explain why the story of Jane Eyre is very well a map for what Elucien's central themes are likely going to explore in their book.

Could SJM be using Jane Eyre as a model for Elain's character and hero journey? Yes, I do. Here is why.

Let me describe Jane in a nutshell for you: she was someone who came from a difficult and isolated childhood and who used her meekness and reserved nature to fit into circumstances. However, we learn she is a smart, witty, innocent, stubborn, and feminine female protagonist. Despite all the societal and religious pressures to marry a husband, Jane was insistent she would only marry for true love.

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being with an independent will.” ― Jane in Jane Eyre “Shall I tend to my little garden forever?” When Nesta flinched, Elain said, “You can't have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.”

....when I was reflecting on that, I was hit with a wow that is Elain Archeron if I have ever seen anything.

Jane Eyre is a story of Fate, Love, and Autonomy. Just like Elucien.

Without getting too wordy, let me summarize a few things for folks who never read the novel.

The connection described between Jane and Rochester is one of fate. Jane and Rochester fall in love from the start because he treats her as equal, but their marriage is thwarted because Rochester is still married to Bertha Mason (the madwoman in his attic).

Even though she loves him, she has complicated feelings about marriage. She is afraid of the restraints and expectations that will be placed on her if she were to marry.

She leaves him for some time and they endure a long period of separation. In that time she meets St John who will also propose to her, but is meant to represent dutiful marriage without true love and warmth. St John was described as a cold love, whereas Rochester was described as fire.

Eventually, she realizes she wants true love above all else, and returns to Rochester. He has lost his wife by then and it is only then that they are free to finally marry and live together as equals in love.

OKAY. That is definitely an oversimplification but I needed to lay it out for our road map. Let's compare now.

Elain and Lucien shared a fated connection created by the Mother with their mating bond. We also know that a long period of their relationship is defined by their separation where Lucien goes to find Vassa and maintains his distance from Elain out of respect of her feelings.

We know Elain likely has complicated feelings about the bond. She says to Feyre, "I don't want a mate. I don't want a male." She is resisting the bond with Lucien. While we don't have her POV yet, I imagine it has to do with resisting something that she doesn't understand, that is taking away her autonomy in love, and influencing her fate for her.

Elain is likely also going to have two marriage prospects, just as Jane did. We know of her engagement to Graysen, who was described as "kind enough" by Nesta and later rejected her horribly. This marriage would have been similar to St John - one more out of duty for status and safety and marked by coldness. Whereas we have Lucien, with fire in his blood, and a warm personality, which is what Jane described true love to be like.

What is keeping Elain and Lucien apart? Bertha Mason.

Bertha, Rochester's wife and mad woman in the attic, was a symbol of Jane's suppressed emotions and inner conflict in regards to Jane's marriage to Mr. Rochester. She represented what Jane feared the most of traditional marriage at that time--becoming trapped and isolated and mad by the female expectations of society and religion.

It was only once Bertha was gone that they could have their Happily Ever After. (It's important to note she perished in a fire.) Her absence was a physical representation of Jane losing her reservations about marriage and fully becoming sure of herself in confidence, status, and her DECISION to pick to true love.

Which tells me that Elain will return and love Lucien only after her own reservations of the mating bond are addressed. Maybe fire will even be involved/symbolic burning of their obstacles (which would be so fitting for our fireling). I think there is also an added layer that Elain wants more from life than what is expected of her by the Inner Circle, which is hinted at throughout ACOSF.

SJM told us herself in an interview:

“I’m not going to say if I am exploring it in future books or not, but it definitely offers a wealth of things to explore with this concept of freewill and what is true love. Is it something that’s destined? Or is it something that you make? Is it both?”

If she is truly influenced by Jane Eyre, we know the answer. When it comes to Elucien, it's both.

Other Symbols of Jane Eyre in Elucien

A few more interesting parallels I found:

Mr. Rochester gifts Jane a pearl necklace upon his first proposal. Jane refuses to wear it and even leaves it behind. "I left that; it was not mine: it was the visionary bride’s who had melted in air." Notice she rejected not because she doesn't like Rochester or the gift itself, but because what it symbolizes. A bride.

Lucien gave Elain pearl earrings for Solstice. She could barely thank him and we never know if she wears it. I am going to infer that Elain rejects the gift (with silence and indifference) because she is terrified of what it represents...of her accepting the bond between them. I found it so interesting SJM chose to use pearls and have them react very similarly.

Jane Eyre is filled with literary symbols of Fire vs Ice, with fire representing passion and true love, and ice representing duty and cold love.

Lucien could very well be a living symbol of fiery, passionate love ("Autumn Court males have fire in their blood—and they fuck like it, too" anyone??) Graysen and Azriel could also be symbols of that "icy, cold" love in comparison to Lucien.

We also cannot forget that Mr. Rochester waited and waited for Jane to return. Just as Lucien is waiting for Elain to be ready.

In Conclusion...

Let me leave you with one more piece of evidence to convince you. In Jane Eyre, Jane says this of Rochester once she has finally decided to be with him:

"All my heart is yours, sir; it belongs to you; and with you it would remain, were fate to exile the rest of me from your presence forever.”

In ACOWAR, we have this moment between Elain and Graysen:

"I belong to no one. But my heart belongs to you.” Graysen’s face hardened. “I don’t want it.”

Elain will eventually realize her heart belongs to Lucien Vanserra. And he will give her the true love, peace, and happiness she has always wished for her entire life.

“When I sleep,” she murmured, “I can hear your heart beating through the stone.” She angled her head, as if the city view held some answer. “Can you hear mine?" He wasn’t sure if she truly meant to address him, but he said, “No, lady. I cannot.”

Lucien's heart already belongs to Elain. Likely since the moment their bond snapped, which is why she can hear his heart.

In their book, Elain will give her heart to Lucien, as it belongs to him. And has likely always belonged to him.

#elucien #elucien meta #pro elucien #elain x lucien #elucien supremacy #jane eyre x elucien #i will never stop loving jane eyre #the parallels KEPT GOING WITH THESE TWO #elain archeron #lucien vanserra

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alicentsultana · 8 months ago

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Hi! Sorry if im bothering you again but i wanted to ask you two questions ,if you dont mind

1)What are your thoughts on Alys Rivers?

2)Since you see have watched the Tudors ,what are your overall thoughts about the show?

Anyway ,have a good day!

Hi! Sorry for taking so long!

1. Alys Rivers was made to contradict Aemond and his hate for bastards. I haven't read the books and I do not intend to, I do not know what the book says about her, so I follow what people have said about her only, she is a bastard, she's a witch, and I kind of feel like she will have this change of sides. I'm actually excited to see how her relationship with Aemond will progress, but I also want to know her personality, like she doesn't strike me as a badass witch (but I can be wrong), only this beautiful seer that maybe is kind enough, I mean, why Aemond would order to kill a bunch of people and let her alive? What did she said? How did she act? Aemond is very polite and is very well educated, what does this woman have/did that was different? So I don't believe she have a """""""great (strong, femme fatale) personality""""" otherwise she would clash with him. But this completely based on the voices in my head I feel like we will have a very different Alys Rivers. To support my claim, there is also the fact that he stated that he wouldn't mind marrying Helaena, while Aegon was complaining about it, so Alys could kind of fit in this type, which I don't look forward to, but again, only my speculations.

2. The tudors have a special place in my heart no matter how badly it represented the people of that time. I was in a very great six wives obsession at the time, so along with the show I watched lots of documentaries and read a lot of historical takes and opinions about that time period, so I never let the show and critical part mix. However, I believe they did a good job in representing some key events of the time, like Henry's despair over what he did to Anne, his feelings about Mary and Elizabeth, the change in character he had when he suffered the accident, that also happened in real life, how he must have felt when Jane died and like he got rid of three wives some way and it must have gotten to him.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is hot, Henry VIII was described as hot when he was younger because he was like athletic, redheaded viking and taller than most men so ambassadors were like 👁👄👁 about him, and he was perfect catholic Prince, he was Aragon and Castella son-in-law, and they captured this glorious beginning and his ups and downs till the end of his life.

Let's not talk about the clothes, even though I love it, I wish it was more accurate.

I really like also how they portrayed his love story with Anne, because we have his surviving letters to her and he would do teenager things like draw their first name initial letters together with arabesques and hearts, he redecorated his palace to have tiles and figures of this drawings, hearts and symbols to represent both of them, he move heaven and earth for her, and it was shown in the show. Though real life Anne was apparently more reluctant at the beginning, and more daring and witty when he couldn't get rid of Catherine. They had a deep love story and after that he wasn't as passionate and not as engaged in his relationship as he was with her, or not as devoted as he was about Jane who gave him his heir.

So overall is a good show, and I watched many times to kill time when I could. If you haven't watched, I believe it's worth it give it a try!

#ask #alys rivers #the tudors #pro team green

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lady-fey · 1 year ago

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Whenever I make a post about a technique that you can use to diversify your writing, I usually keep it pretty surface level. Describe the technique, give an example or two, and then leave it up to you to decide whether or not you want to use it in your own writing. However, my post on using relationship descriptors instead of pronouns generated some comments along the lines of “just use names” so I wanted to take a step back and explain why relationship descriptors work whereas things like “my blue eyed sibling” don’t.

To start, let me show you that this isn’t a “me” thing.

Prue Ramsay, leaning on her father's arm, was given in marriage. What, people said, could have been more fitting? -Virginia Wolf To The Lighthouse

When Jane and Elizabeth were alone, the former, who had been cautious in her praise of Mr. Bingley before, expressed to her sister how very much she admired him. -Jane Austin Pride and Prejudice

Frances pulled his hair heartily, and then went and seated herself on her husband’s knee -Emily Bronte Wuthering Heights

“Of course it wouldn’t,” agreed Tom. She turned to her husband. “As if it mattered to you,” she said - F. Scott Fitzgerald The Great Gatsby

I didn’t have these quotes at the ready. I just pulled up some famous works of literature and searched for relationships that I remembered being in the text, knowing that I’d find examples of relationship descriptors among the lauded pages of the classics.

How did I know that?

Because relationship descriptors are an extremely common way to refer to people even in non-literary conversations. For example, my boss is married and mentions his wife with relative frequency. However, I don’t think that I heard her name until I’d been working there for well over half a year. He just always called her “my wife”.

My wife and I went out for dinner last week.

My wife and I are hosting Thanksgiving.

And so on.

This is a thing that we do without thinking about it, in part because we don’t assume that everyone will remember our loved ones' names. Unless someone knows my brother personally, I’m probably just going to call him “my brother” when talking about him because that makes communication far more easy than expecting every person I know to remember my brother’s name.

We also do it because that’s just how we think of people. I’ve been known to say, “Did you call your brother?” when talking to my significant other. I could have used this individual’s name, but I’m looking at my SO, thinking of things in context of him, and just default to “your brother”.

Because this is a thing that we naturally do, it doesn’t feel odd when we see it in text. We barely even register it. It's really no different than using a person's name.

The same cannot be said for physical descriptors like “the blond” or “the older man”. We don’t typically use those in normal conversation. That doesn’t mean that physical descriptors should never be used, though. Even the greats used them:

I should think this a gull, but that the white-bearded fellow speaks it: knavery cannot, sure, hide himself in such reverence. -Shakespeare Much Ado About Nothing

They just limited their use to discussions of total strangers or times when character A didn't yet know/had forgotten character B's name.

So, yeah, don’t be afraid to use relationship descriptors. If they sound natural in the line, then they likely are. There are definitely times when I use one and then replace it because I think it sounds awkward, but the same can be said of names! That’s actually when I tend to pull in a relationship descriptor. I read through a passage and think, “I use names too much here, it sounds off” and then I replace one instance of a name with a “his sister”, “her wife”, etc. and that usually fixes it.

#writing advice #pronoun trouble #pronoun troubles #writing tips #more in depth discussion of literature

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bugmancatchers · 2 years ago

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Skye Penderwick is bi, here’s why

I have seen a lot of people on here saying that Skye was very obviously a lesbian. But in my opinion, Skye was most definitely queer. And on top of that, most definitely sapphic. But instead of just headcannoning every tom-boy character as a lesbian. I feel it is more fair to look at all the possible sexualities first.

I mean, if we’re talking about stereotypes I feel Skye fits in the bi category pretty well. In the books she is most often described wearing jeans, who says they aren’t cuffed? And math? astronomy? Screams bi to me.

But really, I do ship Skye and Jeffrey, and it’s because I felt their relationship had such a good build up. And most people would say that the romantic interest was one sided. In my opinion it was obviously not, there was clear evidence in the book that Skye cared about Jeffrey in a way that was way more deep than any of her other siblings, and all the other characters knew it (ahem, Jane letting Skye visit Jeffery first? Skye opening up to only Jeffery about her feelings/responsibilities? And many more instances)!

But, I do feel Skye would have a preference in girls, therefore this could add to the reason she was angry at herself and also continued to reject Jeffrey’s advances.

In my opinion Skye is probably also Demi-romantic. And a lot of times it’s really hard for demi people to admit they are in love, because a lot of the time they already have a great connection with this person, that they don’t want to ruin. The first time Skye rejects Jeffrey to his face (In Spring, hallway argument) she says she can’t be with him because she is scared of messing up, and ultimately hurting him.

I related to Skye so much as a kid, and still do. Yes, I legitimately cried while reading the last book, just thinking over and over again, this isn’t her! Skye wouldn’t do that! And I swear I am not projecting my sexuality on to her, but as a Demi-romantic bi I feel even more of my experiences and feelings being unintentionally, but very obviously represented in the book.

And, let me just say, Jeffrey is 100% bi as well. And who doesn’t love a bisexual power couple???

#skye penderwick #biseuxal #demiromantic #queer pride #sapphic #rosalind penderwick #jane penderwick #batty penderwick #lydia penderwick #mr penderwick #jefferey penderwick #ben penderwick #jefferey the penderwicks

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viridianllamasinthesilentspace · 2 years ago

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Sorting “Welcome to Night Vale”

Carlos is a Gryffindor Primary whose one true Truth is Science.

This is not an uncommon thing, though outside our system these characters tend to be Sorted into Ravenclaw. They have a fearless, passionate, ’til-death-do-us-part love and dedication to science. Jane Foster from the MCU is this type of Gryffindor [Primary]. So is Patrick Carroll from the Secret Country trilogy by Pamela Dean.

However, in our system, this type of passionate scientist is not necessarily a Ravenclaw Primary but could just as likely be a Gryffindor Primary. Gryffindor and Ravenclaw are our two Idealist Houses (as compared to our two Loyalist Primaries, Hufflepuff and Slytherin). A Gryffindor’s truth is not built or constructed. It is not even found, exactly. It is believed wholeheartedly. It will not be abandoned. In this specific scientist character trope, even if there are other explanations or other paths, these Gryffindors will stay true to Science; but most of them, unlike Carlos, define science as “the empirical method”, rather than “buzz words and the bits of reality I believe to be true.”

Carlos enters Night Vale (where reality hides under the bed and cries) and continues to insist on his science being right. He observes things, and—instead of taking that new data and correcting for it, instead of using empirical evidence to come up with a new system that actually describes things he has experienced—he keeps clinging to ideas of “science” and “reality” that are constantly being proven untrue. He is delighted—and, importantly for our purposes, certain—even when the world keeps disagreeing with him.

This type of Gryffindor scientist commonly comes with a Ravenclaw Secondary in tow. This is the case with both Jane Foster and Patrick Carroll, who collect data and collect tools and collect experiences which add to and strengthen their Gryffindor Primary’s certainty. This can be very effective, as in Jane Foster’s case: Jane stays true to her science with a driving passion but is happy to adjust the details of her model of the universe as she gets new information about Thor, the Bifrost, or the Aether.

This is not the case with Carlos.

Carlos has a Gryffindor Secondary to go with his Gryffindor Primary. He charges at science. Gryffindor Secondary scientists tend to be the mad scientist. Carlos does not fit this trope, possibly because his world is mad and that kind of covers it.

Cecil is a Slytherin Primary. The most important thing to him, at the end of the day, is his people. Most importantly, Carlos and his niece. It is one of the places in Carlos and Cecil’s relationship which has the most potential for tension. The most important thing in the world to Carlos is Science, which is why he remained in the desert for as long as he did; and as the most important thing in the world to Cecil is Carlos, Carlos remaining in the desert is a source of strain. Why would Carlos choose the desert before Cecil? For Cecil, this is unintuitive. They each expect the other to share their own priorities: Carlos does not understand why anyone would not prioritize science, and Cecil has a hard time understanding why Carlos would stay away for that long.

This is a survivable misunderstanding—people, of course, can have wonderful and fulfilling relationships with people who do not share their priorities, and so, do not have the same Primary. If they couldn’t, the world would be rather boring. However, Cecil and Carlos are oblivious in certain ways. They both have some rather idealized models of their partner, and they both have a tendency to assume that other people feel just as they do. This leads to not just differences in their priorities, but miscommunication of their priorities.

While they have different Primaries, though, Cecil and Carlos share a Gryffindor Secondary, and that’s one of the places they connect.

Cecil’s Gryffindor Secondary is most apparent in his work. It’s evident in his leadership, but the other major way it shows itself is at all the times when Cecil finds himself utterly unable to not speak the truth.

When Cecil’s not supposed to talk about the dog park? He’s going to talk about the dog park. When he’s not supposed to talk about the giant stone, or this secret, or the angels? Cecil is going to talk about them. He’s not going to be able to help himself. This inability to pretend—to lie about something one cares about, like Cecil cares for Night Vale and the news—is indicative of a Gryffindor Secondary. There is an emphasis on honesty and integrity of presentation. Cecil will try, certainly, to obey the town rules on secrecy. He’s just really bad at it. As the truth of a situation becomes more apparent, the rules he’s trying to follow seem more...bendable.

The second place Cecil’s Gryffindor Secondary reveals itself is ‘his relationship to leadership’. When Cecil gets passionate about something, the whole town rises to meet him. This is not a Hufflepuff Secondary calling on a community they have invested in. Cecil has emotionally invested in this town, certainly—his Slytherin Primary loves it dearly. However, he does not have the Puff Secondary investments in work, community building, or service, which create a certain type of trust and debt. The type of power Cecil has is better termed ‘persuasion’ or ‘influence’.

There is an obvious integrity to Cecil when he is passionate about something, and it sways people. When Cecil becomes passionate about something, his listeners believe him; they believe in him. They believe in things because he believes them. This happens during multiple adventures: If Cecil calls on the citizens, they will answer. This Gryffindor Secondary dedication to truth, honesty, and influence is very fitting for journalist Cecil.

The one time this doesn’t happen—when Cecil calls the town to arms to help Tamika Flynn—he feels betrayed. And, almost more importantly for his Sorting, he feels shocked. He ran into a limit of his power to inspire. This is a thing he expects to work.

Dana has the hard-working Hufflepuff Secondary. Trapped in the dog park, Dana doesn’t stop working. She does not charge, transform, or build; she just continues with a quiet and determined dedication to work ethic that seems to be for the sake of hard work itself. This is a Hufflepuff Secondary’s ability to personify the moral of the tortoise and the hare story: “Slow and steady wins the race.”

Dana misses her family, but not with a Slytherin Primary’s pointed desperation. Her thoughtful sense of duty and dedication nods toward a Hufflepuff Primary who’s bonded to the town and the radio, rather than the individuals involved in it; or to a Ravenclaw Primary who has dedicated themselves to a Puff Secondary’s system of work and service. We err toward the Ravenclaw, because there’s something about Dana that feels so quietly deliberate and constructed. She thinks about things, hard, and then enacts them with her Secondary’s hard work.

TL;DR

Carlos is a Gryffindor Primary/Gryffindor Secondary, who shares his charging Secondary with Cecil. Cecil, however, has a Slytherin Primary that values the people he loves over his ideals.

Dana has a Hufflepuff Secondary, and either a constructed Ravenclaw Primary or a dutiful Hufflepuff Primary.

#shc repost #not my sorting

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mademoiselle-red · 1 year ago

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Chapter 5 reread (part 2): thoughts

“Long afterwards, when he knew more, this was a thing he always remembered about Andrew, that he took it for granted one would regard maturity as a thing to be desired.” Haha I definitely also went through this phase during my quarter life crisis years 😅, classic Peter Pan Syndrome: “Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.”

Speaking of Peter Pan, this bit from the play reminded me of part in the The Phaedrus that describes how the horses would grow wings and enable to soul to take flight towards heaven, but only if the charioteer remains chaste

Jane: Why can't you fly now, Mother?

Wendy: Because I'm grown up, sweetheart; when people grow up they forget the way.

Jane: Why do they forget the way?

Wendy: Because they are no longer young and innocent. It is only the young and innocent that can fly.

“‘I thought I wouldn’t bother with a car.’ He recognized, sinking, her defensive voice. ‘It was rather extravagant, you know, with the buses running so conveniently.’” Laurie resented how being with Straike has changed his mother’s behavior. This also plants the seeds of fear that he would lose his own judgement if he entered into a romantic relationship. Obviously it’s not good to lose your identity and let your partner tell you want to think, but growing closer in thinking and sensibility under each other’s influence is also a natural result of intimacy (not limited to couples). It’s about finding the right balance between “I” and “we”. But for most of the book, Laurie is convinced that there is only a choice between two extremes, the fully independent self-reliant “I” and the collective group-think “we”. Like with the charioteer metaphor, Laurie discovers at the end of the book that there is no choice between the white and black horses: the key to moving forward is to find ways to make them work together.

“She would never now, as he once had dreamed, say to him […] “tell me nothing, it is enough that no other woman will ever take you from me.” Like with Andrew, Laurie uses his love for his mother as an excuse to avoid acting on his sexuality. The oedipal excuse allows him to both rationalize (to his mother and society) his disinterest in women and his devotion to her would give him a “legitimate” reason to reject relationships with men.

Andrew, opening the subject rather shyly since Laurie had not seen fit to do so, said, “I hope it was alright today, when your mother came.”

“Yes, thanks,” said Laurie. “Yes, it was quite all right.” But lest Andrew should feel snubbed or hurt he produces a few limp platitudes, which Andrew went through the form of accepting as real. It was a sad little session; but he could feel Andrew thinking as he thought, that tomorrow it would be all right.”

Third time is the charm right? Nope. Andrew does not know how to emotionally support and comfort a friend who clearly needs it. Combine that with Laurie’s “hard logic of love” comment later in the book, I am reminded of the Puritans and their belief that comfort leads to indulgence, which is supposedly sinful. Ralph also seems to share this belief, but while Ralph only denies comfort to himself but provides it to others (Laurie, Bim, Mervyn) on a case by case basis, Andrew denies it (in his usual insistence on moral consistency) to everyone, most notably Laurie and Charlot.

It’s very clear by now that it’s not just queerness they can’t discuss because of Andrew’s “innocence”. Laurie cannot talk to Andrew about anything that actually matters to him, because Andrew always makes it about himself and his pacifist moral choices (that Laurie doesn’t actually give a shit about). So now Laurie just tells Andrew everything is fine and licks his own wounds alone 😭

“Her spinsterly no-nonsense kindness was independent, intact, and did not stir his unacknowledged sense of betrayal. Before the end they got quite gossipy together.” I read this as Laurie believing in the back of his mind that his enjoyment of the physical therapy and Miss Halliburton’s company is a betrayal of his earlier apprehension about the treatment and his disappointment in losing time spent with Andrew. It’s an early and subtle example of Laurie feeling a sense of self-betrayal when he finds himself liking something that he had decided he isn’t supposed to like.

“Though the Charles episode had been disillusioning, he hadn’t given up hope of finding himself club able after all.” Another indication that Laurie actually enjoys being flirted to and likes the idea of parties, but feels that he ought not to, and resents everyone who actually flirts with him and tries to have fun at the party.

"Who did you say?"

"Oh, d'you know Ralph Lanyon?"

As if he had been drifting in uncertainly-eddying water, and felt the sudden, authoritative pull of an ocean current, Laurie said easily and clearly, very much."

Raaaaaaalph!

I love how Laurie is so powerfully drawn to Ralph before the man even shows up! It’s like those things people put in love songs: I was drifting along until you found me~

I also I love how Laurie went from his faux nonchalance about Ralph earlier in the chapter with Andrew to “Omg did you say Ralph Lanyon? 😍😍😍”

#the charioteer

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no-reply95 · 3 years ago

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I’ve just listened to the two parter episode with Jude Southerland Kessler on the Glass Onion: On John Lennon podcast and boy do I have some thoughts!

Before I start I’ll just preface this by saying that I’ve also listened to her podcast on the Something About The Beatles podcast and that was pretty similar in terms of tone.

1) So Jude is a John Lennon fan first and foremost then a Beatles fan, which is fine since her books are focused on John’s life but I find it disappointing how she feels the need to diminish the Lennon-McCartney partnership in order to elevate John. In the Glass Onion episode she was asked why she thought John dominated the “A Hard Day’s Night” album and her explanation was that because John “was the leader” and George Martin recognised that he had the best rock voice he ever heard so would always give him preferential treatment over Paul which was why his songs were always picked to open and close albums... There are so many issues to unpack here so here goes:

- John undoubtedly had a hot streak in 1964 and was bringing in a lot of songs but we know that the L/M partnership was at its strongest in the early years when they were still touring so why the need to pretend that John was creating these songs singlehandedly? Or is the L/M only a myth until it’s John helping on a primarily “Paul” song?

- She spoke about John’s songs always starting and closing the albums but the very first song on the Beatles very first album is “I Saw Her Standing There” so what is she talking about?

- Again she dragged George Martin into her argument and stated that he always gave John’s songs preferential treatment but that ignores the fact that George time and time again, both during and after the Beatles, highlighted how essential both John and Paul were to their partnership and how fundamentally equal they were, different strengths and weakness but ultimately equal. Since George was there I’m gonna give his opinion some credence, definitely more than Jude’s

- There’s always I think this method of looking at John’s dominance of the L/M partnership during AHDN and assuming that that was the natural order of things and depended solely on John but it completely ignores what was going on with Paul at that point in time, newly in London, newly in a relationship with Jane Asher and exploring everything that had to offer, maybe Paul wasn’t pulling as much weight as he should have at that point in time?

2) There’s always this weird view, in my opinion and of course it’s a view that Jude is all over, that Paul only started dominating on later albums because John essentially let him, either through his drug intake, depression, whatever you name it. Again, why is it so taboo to mention Paul’s immersion in Swinging London and the inspiration that would have given him? Paul was almost 2 years younger than John, why is it crazy that his peak years would have come later in the decade? Also, by many accounts from day 1 in the studio Paul was pretty assertive and we know he was working extremely closely with Brian in driving projects for the band before he died so it’s not like once the coast was clear Paul’s evil plan to steal the Beatles from John was good to go

3) Finally, one of my bugbears is when people take a quote and remove it from its context to fit the purpose of whatever interpretation they want to fit on to the Beatles. Both Jude and Mark Lewisohn have quoted Paul’s quote from his secretly recorded conversation with Hunter Davies where he referred to John as his “fairground hero” and use that as their catchphrase to describe the whole L/M relationship, Paul always admired and looked up to John so he would never leave him and John was the centre of his universe, so now to unpack this:

- I don’t think it’s wrong that when Paul met John as a 15 year old and John was a teddy boy looking almost 17 year old that Paul would have looked up to him so I think that quote is accurate for the earlier part of their friendship

- Where I digress from the Lewisohn/Kessler interpretation is where they have Paul fixed in that mindset forever more... Firstly, Paul is clear that that was his initial view of John but as he grew older he grew to share in things with him and become his equal, which ultimately threatened John, which I think succinctly explains why a lot of the Beatles story unfolds the way it did. In my view, Paul initially looked up to John and John felt secure in the knowledge that Paul looked up to him and would never leave him. Once they get older and Paul is writing incredible songs on his own like Yesterday, is asking other people like Mal Evans and Pete Shotton to help with the lyrics to Eleanor Rigby instead of John, marries Linda and starts a family with her, that’s a big factor in why John freaks out and lashes out at Paul because he doesn’t want Paul to leave him, that’s something that Jude doesn’t mention and Lewisohn has disappointingly never mentioned either. In my mind to understand the L/M relationship and the axis that the Beatles story turned on you need to understand not just how much Paul loved, appreciated and needed John but how much John loved, appreciated and needed Paul, otherwise the story just does not make sense.

We need more female authorities in Beatles historiography, unfortunately Jude Southerland Kessler is not it.

#the beatles #jude southerland kessler #glass onion podcast #mark lewisohn #john lennon #paul mccartney #john and paul #context #thoughts #historiography

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isabellafoster13 · 3 years ago

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This was requested on AO3 by Elegance.

Can you take a guess at how I feel about this ship?

I LOVE RoLu! It's a rare pair, so of course, I love it. I adore the Dark and Stoic x Living Embodiment of Sunshine ship dynamic. These two definitely have that. Not to mention they are a very aesthetically pleasing pair. It's hard to describe why I love this ship (or any other ship in general). Basically, I love this ship for similar reasons I love FreLu and RuLu.

Elegance didn't specify what exactly they wanted the oneshot to be about, but so I went the route of them being in a relationship already and one of them gets jealous.

I hope you enjoy it!

Are You Jealous? (Rogue x Lucy)

Lucy picked up Cancer's key and pointed it behind the chair that she sat in. "Open! Gate of the Giant Crab: Cancer!"

On cue, the man with crab legs on his back appeared, standing behind her chair and snipping his scissors in the air a couple of times. "What kind of hairstyle would you like, baby?"

Lucy turned around to face the mirror that sat on the vanity in her bedroom. "Rogue is coming to the guild today, I would like you to make my hair look nice. The way I usually style my hair is a bit boring, so I'd like something new," she explained. Cancer nodded and got to work.

Within a few minutes, the celestial spirit announced that he was finished. Lucy looked into the mirror at her appearance. She smiled at what she saw. Cancer had tied her waist-length, blonde hair into a bubble ponytail. She counted five "bubbles" in total. Her face was framed by her bangs. She thanked Cancer and dismissed him as she grabbed another gold key. "Open! Gate the Maiden: Virgo!" The maid spirit bowed, asking for punishment and addressing Lucy as "Princess" like always.

Lucy turned down the pink-haired spirit's request of punishment before she gave a request, "Virgo, could you bring me some clothes to wear today? Rouge is coming to the guild and I want to look nice." Virgo nodded and disappeared momentarily. She then returned moments later with a dress, a pair of shoes, and a few pieces of jewelry.

Lucy accepted the outfit with a smile and a "thank you." Once Virgo bowed once more and disappeared, Lucy walked over to her bed. She laid the outfit onto it and began to strip off her pajamas. She slipped on the black dress. It was form-fitting, with a sweetheart neckline, and had mesh sleeves that were puffed, reaching her wrists. She then put the diamond stud earrings into the piercings in her ears, then she slipped a silver ring onto the ring finger of her right hand. She gently picked up the gold chain necklace, easily slipping it around her neck and locking it.

After this, she walked back over to her vanity. She sat down and quickly glossed her lips and applied black mascara and eyeliner. She dusted her cheeks lightly with blush. Nodding in approval of her work, Lucy walked back over to her bed. She picked up the white stockings as she sat on the edge of her bed. After she slipped on the silk material that came up to her mid-thigh, she slipped her stalkings-covered feet into the black-colored, two-inch heeled Mary Jane shoes, quickly buckling them.

Lucy then picked up her usual brown belt that held her whip and pouch filled with her keys. She buckled the belt around her waist. She took one last look in the mirror before a knock sounded at her door. She hurried over, hoping that it wasn't her team and was instead was a certain Sabertooth mage, and opened the door to see the man she was waiting eagerly for: Her boyfriend, Rogue Cheney.

Rogue stood in front of a mirror in his bedroom, smoothing down his black hair and trying to ignore Sting's voice. The blonde Guild Master was sitting in a swivel chair on the other side of the room, behind his best friend. "Seriously, Rouge, don't you and Blondie see each other enough? Why are you going to Fairy Tail?" Rogue rolled his eyes.

"First of all, her name is Lucy, not Blondie. Second, I'm going to Fairy Tail because I haven't been there since Lucy and I got together."

Sting groaned, "you and I haven't taken a job together in forever."

Rogue turned around to face the other dragon slayer. "It's been a month, besides, you shouldn't even be taking jobs, you're the guild master."

Sting huffed, "Minerva can handle things perfectly fine whenever I'm gone, and I'm never gone for long."

Rogue rolled his red eyes again. He made sure that his black tank top was straightened and looked his black pants over one final time for wrinkles. Lastly, he clasped on a silver chain necklace, making sure to hide the pendent in his shirt. Satisfied with his rather dark appearance, the Shadow Dragon Slayer picked up his exceed and walked out of the apartment, ignoring Sting's voice telling him to wait.

He soon came to a familiar apartment, having been here many times before over the past two years. He knocked a couple of times and waited. Frosch stated as he played with the small, pink box in his hands, "I can't wait to see what LuLu thinks of my gift."

Rogue chuckled and said with a joking tone in his deep voice, "I thought it was our gift for her." Frosch waved his statement off, large, black eyes locked on the door.

The door then opened to reveal, what he found to be, an ethereal sight. Lucy was dressed in a black dress that hugged her curves perfectly. Her long, golden blonde hair was done up into a style that he had never seen before, but liked very much. She was incredibly beautiful, but then again when was she ever anything less than gorgeous?

Rogue finally snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the sound of Lucy's lovely laughter. He smiled at her, feeling a blush lightly dust his cheeks. He greeted her, "Hello, Darling, you look absolutely stunning today."

Lucy smiled brightly. "You don't think it's too much?" Rogue shook his head. He didn't think anything was too much when it came to his girlfriend.

Suddenly, Frosch held up the small box in his hands...er, paws. "LuLu, look! I brought you a gift!"

Lucy smiled at the green exceed dressed in a pink and black frog costume. She rubbed the top of Frosch's head and accepted the gift, saying, "thank you so much, Little Frog." Frosch brightened at the nickname that Lucy had given him like he always does. Yet another reason to love Lucy, she cares about Frosch greatly and Frosch loves her as much as he loves me, Rogue thought.

The dragon slayer and his exceed watched as Lucy opened the pink box, took off the lid, and released a small gasp when she saw what was inside. She lifted out a silver chain necklace. She sat the box and lid onto the small table next to her and took the pendant of the necklace into her free hand for a closer look. A gentle smile appeared on her face as she took in the black, half-heart that had the silver letters RC engraved into it.

Lucy looked over at Rogue, her eyebrow raised. Rogue knew that she was silently asking why the pendant was half a hear, black, and had RC engraved into it. He simply reached into his black shirt and pulls out the pendant of his necklace, holding the pendant so his girlfriend could see it. He watched as Lucy's chocolate brown eyes lit up as she made the connection. The pendent Rogue was holding was a half heart, the other half of Lucy's half heart, and was gold and had the white letters LH engraved into it.

Lucy grinned, saying delightfully, "couple's necklaces? I never took you to be the type."

Rogue shrugged. "I guess it's my way of making sure people know that you've taken since you don't want to become my mate yet," he said jokingly.

Lucy rolled her eyes. Rogue stepped back, allowing his soon-to-be-mate to walk out of her apartment and close her door, locking it after. Mates was something that Dragon Slayers had. It was like a marriage. A dragon slayer and his mate can date first, or they can go straight to the "marking," it was typically up to the dragon slayer's mate, though the dragon slayer would know nonetheless that this person was their mate. Rogue was ready to make Lucy officially his mate whenever she was ready, no matter how long it took.

Frosch climbed from Rogue's arms to Lucy's as the two began to make their way to Fairy Tail. Once they arrived at the guild, they could hear a brawl ragging inside. Rogue heard Lucy sigh and mutter under her breath, "at least the guildhall is still standing...for now." Rogue held back a chuckle.

The pair walked in and walked towards the bar, sticking close to the wall in an effort to avoid the Fairy Tail typical chaos. Rogue grabbed Lucy's arm, walking between her and the fighting, trying to shield her and Frosch from any debris that may fly their way.

Once they reached the bar, Mira walked over. She watched as the couple sat down and Lucy sat Frosch on top of the bar. She then asked, "what can I get the most loved couple in Fiore as stated by Sorceror's Weekly?" Lucy and Rogue both rolled their eyes at the take-over mage's words. Rogue answered, "I'd like a beer, Frosch'll have some apple juice, and Lucy will take a strawberry milkshake, please." Mira nodded and walked away to get the beverages, but not before Rogue noticed a suspicious glint in her blue eyes.

Lucy leaned over to him and whispered, "she's going to question us about babies, just wait." Rogue chuckled lightly. He wasn't surprised. He had already heard Mira go on and on about this color-haired and that color-eyed babies more times than he cared to admit.

Mira soon returned with the three orders. After setting the beverages down and waited for the couple to each take a sip of their drinks. She then set her elbows onto the top of the bar, propping her head upon her hands. Rogue and Lucy immediately noticed the suspiciously innocent look she was giving them. Lucy sat her milkshake down while Rogue kept his beer in his hand and Frosch was chugging the juice he was given.

Mira asked innocently, "so, when should we be expecting little black-haired, brown-eyed babies and blonde-haired, red-eyed babies running around the guild?"

Rogue sat his beer down with a rather loud clank, catching Mira's attention. He gave her a look that said 'you better stop now or you'll regret it.' Thankfully, Mira took the hint and walked away.

Rogue then turned to Lucy. He gave her temple a peck before whispering, "are you alright?" Lucy nodded and gave him a smile. Rogue frowned, he could tell that she was just doing that to make him feel less concerned. Due to Lucy's childhood of not having a proper parental figure to act as a role model, she was worried that she wouldn't be a good mother if she were to have children. She preferred to avoid baby talk whenever possible. Rogue had assured her many times that they didn't have to have kids, hell, they didn't even have to become mates, he just wanted her to be happy.

However, Lucy was always conflicted about if she wanted kids or not. She had always liked the idea but she just wasn't confident in her ability to be a good mother when she's never had a proper role model. Rogue decided to not speak about the topic while at the guild.

A few hours into the couple's visit to Fairy Tail, the fighting had calmed down after Erza returned from a job. Natsu came prancing up to Rogue and Lucy. He slung his arm around Lucy's shoulders, interrupting the conversation that the two were having by saying, "Hey, Luce, haven't seen you for a few weeks."

Lucy smiled at her best friend. She responded, "yeah, I guess. I've been spending some time at Sabertooth."

Natsu looked at her curiously. "Really? I guessed that you've been taking a bunch of jobs."

Lucy chuckled before she spoke again, "I'm surprised that you haven't been visiting my apartment."

"I tried once, but Erza threatened to beat me up if I did," Natsu stated after he shook his head. He then gained a shit-eating grin and gripped Lucy's arm, exclaiming, "come on, let's hang out the others!" He then dragged the blonde away. Rogue watched with a narrowed gaze. He had been talking to his girlfriend about taking a job together when her best friend came along.

He knew that there wasn't anything going on between the two and he knew that they were best friends, so of course, Lucy would want to spend some time with Natsu, especially since she hadn't spent time with the Fire Dragon Slayer since a few weeks ago. Still, Rogue couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy, his inner dragon growling in irritation.

He sat at the bar, watching as Lucy talked animatedly with her friends, and narrowed his red eyes at the arm of a certain pink-haired wizard that was wrapped firmly around Lucy. He crossed his arms over his chest and suppressed a growl when Natsu moved his arm to wrap around Lucy's waist as the blonde leaned against a table behind her. She laughed at something that Cana had drunkenly said. Rogue's feeling of jealousy lessened slightly when he heard the bell-like sound of his future mate's laugh, but it returned when Natsu picked up Lucy bridal style and began to run off the other side of the guild with her.

That was what caused Rogue to snap. He stood up and stomped over to the dragon slayer that was holding his future mate, ignoring Frosch's surprised yelp at Rogue's sudden action and yelling for him to come back.

Rogue angrily approached the pair of best friends. Happy was the first to notice the Sabertooth mage. The blue exceed shrank away in fear and flew away towards Carla and Pantherlily, leaving Natsu and Lucy to deal with the angered Shadow Dragon Slayer.

Natsu rambled on about a job that he thought that he and the rest of Team Natsu could go on, searching for the job request on the request board, when a hand roughly gripped his shoulder and jerked him around. Natsu was about to yell at the person that interrupted his one-sided conversation with Lucy, but he snapped his mouth shut upon seeing a furious Rogue glaring at him. In one swift movement, Rogue snatched Lucy from the pink-haired mage's arms, sat her down behind him, delivered a strong punch to Natsu's face that sent the dragon slayer crashing backward into the request board, and then picked up Lucy and left the guildhall as Lucy remained speechless, too shocked by what she had just witnessed to form words. Frosch hurried after the two.

Once entering Lucy's apartment, the celestial wizard had dragged herself out of her stupor. She pushed herself out of Rogue's arms to turn to him, fury flashing in her brown eyes. She demanded, "what the hell, Rogue? Why did you do that?"

Rogue looked away at the floor. How was he supposed to explain his actions? He knew that Lucy wouldn't accept jealousy as an excuse. Lucy folded her arms and glared at him. "Well? I'm waiting." She spoke sternly. She sounded like a mother demanding an explanation from her child as to why he broke something.

Rogue sighed. Avoiding the young woman's glare, he said softly, "I didn't like how close he was to you and how he was touching you."

He waited for Lucy to berate him, but instead, he heard poorly stifled laughter. He snapped his head towards her direction, bringing his red eyes to her, and watched as she struggled to get her laughter under control.

Rogue stared at her dumbfounded. Why was she laughing? This wasn't at all the reaction he was expecting. Lucy finally regained her composure. She breathed a sigh before smiling at Rogue. Upon seeing his confused look, she chuckled lightly before explaining, "are you jealous?"

Rogue looked away before nodding. Lucy stepped towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck, causing him to turn his head back to her. The blonde stated calmly, "while I don't like that you punched my best friend, it's not that big of a deal considering it's Natsu. I'm sure he's already forgotten about it by now."

Rogue wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. "So, you aren't mad?"

The two leaned closer. Lucy answered, "just try to not react like that again, okay?" Rogue nodded before they closed the small gap with a kiss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This wasn't how I intended to write it. I meant to focus a bit more on the jealousy part, not sure where the children angst came from, but whatever. Hope you liked it.

#fairy tail #lucy heartfilia #natsu dragneel #rogue cheney #rolu #frosch #fluff #angst #jealousy #rogue x lucy

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flying-elliska · 4 years ago

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Headcanons for ADHD characters Masterlist

I was asked for this a while ago and I feel this is a good discussion subject because the canon representation for ADHD is kind of abysmal and is often a caricature or a joke.

usual disclaimer, I'm not a therapist, this is not a diagnosis tool, just for fun, etc etc...basing this on my own experience/knowledge with ADHD and meeting a lot of ADHD people IRL. I'm going off the main symptoms first (inattention and/or hyperactivity, restlessness, impulsivity, problems with emotional/focus regulation, daydreaming, messiness, hyper-focus, fidgeting etc) and then looking at character traits that are not a necessary symptom but often associated (substance abuse and addiction, need to please, sensitivity to rejection, compassionate and creative, thrill seeking, very imaginative, charming and witty or withdrawn and shy or angry and irritable, whimsical and fun and a bit child-like, out of the box thinker, self esteem issues, unstable life, comorbidity with anxiety and depression, very intense feelings, functions better with adrenaline/in an emergency, disregard for rules and problems with authority OR extreme compliance, codependency, perceived as weird, clever in an atypical way, problems in school, extremely good at one specific thing, etc)

Also I found this list with actual canonical representation

BOOKS :

The 'fits to a T so I'm seeing it as my personal canon' list :

note : doesn't mean that the authors actually meant to create representation but it's very likely they at least got inspired by people who did have ADHD (even when the diagnosis itself did not exist) and explained it with 'it's just their personality' OR the story happens in a setting where the label doesn't exist as such. also not meant to be exhaustive.

- Helen Burns (from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë) One of Jane's school friends from the start of the novel, fits the inattentive type to a T : she can't seem to focus or learn her lessons, is constantly daydreaming, describes herself as messy and careless, forgets rules, and is easily distracted. She talks constantly about her own 'defective nature' and seems very sensitive to criticism but incapable of changing. She doesn't defend herself against the nuns' harsh punishments as she thinks she deserves them. She's presented as kind-hearted and compassionate, almost too good for this world, and hyperfocuses on her faith. Apparently sb even wrote an academic article on this. She dies so it's not super fun representation but it is interesting to see in an older book, to push back against the idea that ADHD was invented yesterday by Big Pharma lol.

- Grantaire (from Les Miserables, Victor Hugo) Part of the student revolutionary group Les Amis de l'ABC and resident skeptic, does not believe in the cause but is fixated on the group's idealistic leader (and yeah it sounds very gay, they die holding hands, there is a lot of Symbolism). He spends his time ranting about things that are only vaguely connected, is described as brilliant but incapable of sticking to any one profession or hobby, is an alcoholic, has a creative streak (was a painter at some point), likes wandering around the city, has massive self-esteem issues and is a general mess but does seem to care about his friends. This is not a very flattering portrayal as Grantaire is described as morally deficient but again, interesting in an old book. ADHD!Grantaire is a popular take in the modern fandom (i was in it before I was diagnosed it brought up a lot of Things) and it's very cathartic to see him get actual therapy in fic lmao.

- Luna Lovegood (from the Harry Potter series) JKR sucks but this is probably the most high profile case of a possible inattentive ADHD character so I didn't want to leave it out. She's a daydreamer, she is a big space cadet and seems to live in her own world, she has a very out of the ordinary sense of style, she's bullied for being weird, but she's also very kind and perceptive and cares a lot about her friends, and good at coming up with out of the box solutions. I wouldn't call it good representation, she's described as a wacko whom a lot of characters find cringeworthy but she's also pretty heroic, so. And she does seem to hyperfocus on magical creatures. Plus her father could also have it (and it runs in families).

- Jasper Fahey (from Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo) Part of a young group of thieves with a heart of gold, he's a charmer and a compulsive gambler who quits college and incurs debts so massive he stops talking to his father out of shame. He's also an extremely talented sharpshooter and the scenes where he describes how the whole world slows and the rush of adrenaline when he is shooting sound like hyperfocus to a T. He's a loyal friend but also quite dependent on Kaz, the leader of the group, to keep him in line. He's witty, messy and he likes danger. His boyfriend later in the series, Wylan, is dyslexic and the way they learn to accommodate each other's issues honestly makes them one of my favorite couples ever. I need to reread these books and I am so stoked for the series I hope they do Jasper justice.

- Julian Diaz (from Cemetary Boys, Aiden Thomas) Love interest of the book, introduced as the 'high school resident bad boy', energetic motormouth who can't sit still and actually very endearing, has issues in school and gets bored easily, main problem is that he's a ghost...sort of. The whole thing was very cute and I love that Julian's personality is described as fun and attractive instead of annoying (which is, if you haven't noticed already, a pattern).

- Evie O'Neill (from the Diviners series, Libba Bray) She's a flapper in 1920s New York who ran away from her boring little town to make a life for herself ; she's a party girl and an impulsive thrill-seeker who hates standing still and is always looking for excitement to 'fill the void'. She craves fame and attention and pretty things, she can be a loyal friend but is also frequently self-centered and forgetful, she's street smart, resourceful and very charming and witty. She's also grieving, drinks too much and is definitely depressed. She's obviously meant as an archetype of the era, caught between trauma and excess, but it does come over as very hyperactive ADHD as well. Her powers to read objects also really pinged me as a good metaphor for the ADHD tendency to be overwhelmed by details.

The 'bit more of a reach but there's a vibe' list :

- Emma Woodhouse (from Emma, Jane Austen) Frequently cited as a character with ADHD, I didn't come up with this one but she fits. She's daydreaming, easily bored, has flights of fancy and hyper-focuses on matchmaking, is a bit impulsive and thrill seeking, clever in an unconventional way, described as a bit immature, mix of caring and self-centered.

- Ronan Lynch (from the Raven Cycle, Maggie Stiefvater) Ronan just has Neuroatypical Vibes, even though it's not entirely clear what, and I've seen people label him all sorts of things which is very valid. As for ADHD, he's restless, impulsive, likes to Go Fast and do street racing, he has very strong emotions he doesn't know what to do with, and big self esteem issues esp. at the start, is very all or nothing with people, snarky, drops out of school to be a magic farmer, problems with authority, looks like a scary mean goth but is actually a big softie (but like, with a few people), pulls shit out of his dreams. Is kind of dependent on his best friend at the start too.

- Sherlock Holmes (from the eponymous series by Arthur Conan Doyle) Again a character who has been diagnosed with all sorts of things. The biggest ADHD vibe for me is 'my mind rebels at stagnation' and the way he needs drugs to function outside of the thrill of a case, and the way he hyper-focuses on information he needs to be a detective while completely ignoring common knowledge. Also sort of dependent on his best friend Watson and isn't great at social interactions. Doesn't care much about upholding social conventions either. The RDJ adaptation is the one that has the most ADHD vibes to me.

- Harley Quinn (DC Comics/Movies) Big codependency issues (that's arguably the thing she's most known for) and sadly people with ADHD are often prone to getting into abusive relationships. It depends on the story too but she's very energetic, zany, impulsive, she likes shiny things and bright clothes, she's fun and chaotic and likes to break the rules, she's a criminal but she does seem to have a heart, she's also frequently immature and rash, etc.

What are your headcanons ? I would love to hear if you have some so I can add them to the list. I'll make a TV/Movies list soon.

#adhd #actually adhd #adhd representation #neurodiversity #media representation

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fandomwriterstuff · 3 years ago

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Quarantine Queen

Darcy was, for all intents and purposes, an extrovert. She thrived on being around people, engaging with them, all that jazz. So when Dr. Doom’s minions released a pathogen that led to the entirety of Manhattan being quarantined and sick with an extra-strength virus, she started going stir crazy.

She lived in an apartment building not too far from the Avengers Tower (where she worked in the labs). However, she barely left the tower and only slept in her apartment. She never had food stocked in the fridge. Just vodka in the freezer and some microwave meals stacked behind it.

So, when everything went into lockdown while she was asleep, she panicked.

Can I go to the grocery store? I don’t have any food.

She’d sent it in the tower group chat, hoping the resident Avengers would know more about the situation than she did.

Tin Man: What do you mean no food? You’re the one always making us come to family dinner at the tower.

She rolled her eyes and sent back: Yeah, at the tower. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a meal in my apartment.

Tin Man: I’ll have JARVIS order essentials to be sent to your apartment with no-contact delivery.

HawkDaddy: I got the sickness, please send me soup.

Darcy frowned. It had only been a day since the quarantine started, how did he get sick so fast?

Tin Man: I only send delivery to my favorites.

HawkDaddy: :(

Darcy laughed and rolled her eyes. Her friends were so weird. But then again, she was friends with a bunch of super people. She couldn’t even make friends in her apartment complex because she was never there.

She ended up pulling her knitting supplies out from under her bed to make a Mjolnir-themed sweater for Thor. There wasn’t much work she could do from home since Jane was also not in the labs.

She knitted and had Ted Lasso on in the background on the TV until six, when there was a knock on her door. She startled, dropping a stitch, but quickly recovered and hurried to look through the peephole. Nobody there. She opened the door a crack and looked around, nobody was there. But when she looked down there were about forty bags of groceries in front of her door.

She shot a text to the group.

Holy Mjolnir. That is a lot of groceries.

She added a picture of the mountain of brown paper bags in front of her door.

Tony: You’re welcome, kiddo.

Darcy smiled. Tony could be very thoughtful sometimes. As she started hauling it all inside she took a look at what ‘the basics’ meant. It included oat milk, various canned goods and frozen vegetables, toilet paper and feminine hygiene products (her favorite brand of tampons… was he a mind reader?). He’d even sent her over a tin of brownies.

So, Darcy made it a hobby to be a homebody. As long as she could pass the time, she would be okay. One day turned into two, two into three, then it had been a week, two weeks, three weeks since the quarantine started. It took Darcy three weeks to realize a few things. She’d barely changed out of her pajamas in over a week. She hadn’t showered in nine days. She hadn’t ingested anything but coffee and Ritz crackers for six days. She hadn’t answered Jane’s video calls in three days. She’d been ignoring the group text for two, as it was starting to give her heart palpitations. She hadn’t even moved from the couch to go to her bed last night and woke up with a sore back.

She didn’t notice any of this, of course, until she got another video call. Thinking it was Jane, she just swiped it, but instead of swiping to end it, she accidentally swiped to answer it.

“Fuck!” She shouted as her phone slipped from her hand and onto the rug.

“You know a ‘hello’ would have worked, too,” so that was definitely not Jane’s voice.

“Tony?” she asked as she picked up the phone and looked at the man’s face. She wished she hadn’t though, as he immediately raised an eyebrow at her.

“Have you looked in a mirror like… At all in the past several days? That crust looks several days old, mamacita,” Darcy looked down at her sweaty t-shirt and mens boxer shorts self-consciously. “I mean your face, darling. Have you washed it recently?” His tone softened and that’s when Darcy realized something was wrong. Tony wasn’t soft with her. Sarcastic, sassy, nosy, that’s how she’d describe their relationship. But it was never this sincere.

“Hold on,” her voice was scratchy with disuse and she left her phone face up on the coffee table as she hurried over to her bathroom sink.

Shit. She looked like a wreck. Her hair was a greasy mess piled on top of her head. She couldn’t remember the last time she washed her face. It was a miracle she wasn’t developing acne. After she thoroughly scrubbed the grime off her face, she went to change into other pajamas, but she was thinning out. It was weird. She couldn’t find anything that fit right on her body so she just threw on a pair of blue gingham boxers and one of Tony’s stolen band t-shirts.

“That’s a little better,” Tony spoke when she came back to her phone. “Though I would suggest getting in the shower sometime soon.” She rolled her eyes at that. Maybe.

“Why did you video call me?” She pondered as she settled back down into her couch, feeling a little cleaner.

“You haven’t answered my texts in days. I’m allowed to worry about my friends, Darcy Lewis,” he raised both eyebrows at her and she winced. “I know this quarantine has been hard on everyone, but it’s also okay to not be okay. You’re used to being around people 24/7. You even said yourself that you never eat alone.”

“I’m fine,” she shrugged. “Just used to socializing and doing work. I’m not used to sitting still.”

“Are you sure that’s all? Jane said you haven’t been answering her either.”

“Jane snitched?” She gasped and narrowed her eyes. “Who else?”

Suddenly the man looked very innocent.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he spoke calmly with a lilt to his voice.

“Who else told you they’re worried about me?” Darcy wanted to cross her arms but she was stuck holding her phone.

“Jane and Thor, Clint, Natasha, Bruce, Steve-”

“How the fuck? What would they know? I don’t socialize with them outside of the tower so how the fuck would they know something was going on?” She spat, feeling a little defensive and teamed up on.

“You haven’t answered Jane’s calls, so she and Thor are concerned. Clint hasn’t seen you on X-Box live since the first week of quarantine, so he asked about you. Natasha seems to just know things, so she asked me to check in on you. Bruce knows what it’s like to have to be alone all of the time and was wondering how his favorite extrovert was doing. And Steve-”

“Go on, I’d like to hear this,” Darcy muttered. She’d had the biggest crush on Steve for the longest time, but they didn’t talk much since he didn’t work in the labs. They only socialized at family dinners and movie nights.

“He hasn’t heard you blast music in like six days,” Tony said with a quirked eyebrow. Darcy sputtered.

“What does that even mean?” She asked, throwing her free hand up.

“He lives next to you?” Tony said it like a question.

“I thought he lived at the tower,” Darcy frowned, eyeing up the wall she shared with the neighbor she’d never met.

“You- you didn’t know you lived next to Steve?” Tony asked exasperatedly. He shook his head and Darcy felt her cheeks heating. She wasn’t the most observant at times, and they’d been in quarantine for three weeks. It’s not like she was going outside. Plus, before that she was barely ever here. “This is a new level of unobservant. For someone who works in science, this is shocking.”

“It’s not that shocking,” she sputtered, scratching the back of her head. “I was barely ever here before all of this.”

“Fair, but still. For someone who has a Steve-radar, you probably could have figured it out. I mean,” he sighed. “You have the same commute. You work in the same building. When you leave movie night you go to the same place.”

“Yeah but usually I go to ang with Jane first,” Darcy felt like she had to defend herself. “I gotta go, I need to take a shower,” and with that, she cut him off and hung up with a huff. Who did he think he was, her father? Jeez.

As she stripped out of her fresh pajamas (probably not so fresh anymore since she’d been sweating nervously under Tony’s interrogative tone), she noticed even more how thin her fingers were looking, how cold she was. That was probably a bad thing.

However, the thoughts flew from her mind as she stepped into the hot spray of water and just leaned into it. It was nearly a religious experience. Or, it would have been, if she didn’t know that gods were just aliens. She took way too long in there, shampooing twice and just letting the hot water pour over her pale skin. She hadn’t been able to go outside and tan at all this summer with Jane being near a breakthrough and now with the quarantine.

All she’d done was knit and watch TV and cook. She finished Thor’s sweater and decided to knit one for all of the resident Avengers. Thor’s was maroon with little gold Mjolnirs all over it. Bruce’s was cream with little chemical structures all over it (she didn’t think he would wear a shirt with the Hulk all over it). Tony’s was black with a red and gold iron man helmet on the front and “I am Iron Man” on the back. Natasha’s was red with little knives and guns all over it. Clint’s (obviously) was purple with bows and arrows all over it, and “Legolas” on the back (Legolas was his favorite archer, how could Katniss or Merida even compare to an immortal elven archer?).

She was working on Steve’s now. He wasn’t all “apple pie America” in his free time, but she still wanted it to be cute and on theme. It was navy blue with a very complex eagle and waving american flag on it. Darcy was struggling, but she would be finished with it soon. She’d been knitting her whole life, her grandmother had taught her when she lived with her for a while.

She’d send them all out once they were done.

When Darcy finally exited the shower, fresh and smelling like roses and strawberries, she noticed she had another missed call from Jane and a few texts in the group chat. Her heart rate started ratcheting up. She could smell her deodorant in the air as she started sweating slightly. She licked her dry lips. Since when did she get anxious about group chats?

She took a look and smiled softly at her friends’ names.

Nat: I’ve come down with something. I blame Clint.

HawkDaddy: I was sick THREE WEEKS AGO. Why do you blame me?

Nat: You have a guilty face.

HawkDaddy: [download image]

Darcy quickly clicked on the attachment and giggled at Clint’s pouting face. She didn’t think before responding.

You know better than all of us that pouting is not going to sway Natasha’s opinion.

There was suddenly an influx of messages, and then Darcy remembered that she hadn’t responded in several days.

Nat: She’s right, you know.

That was the most normal response. Darcy had a feeling Natasha was the most emotionally intelligent one at the moment and didn’t want to make Darcy feel bad about falling into a depression hole.

HawkDaddy: Marceline the Vampire Queen has returned to us!

Tin Man: I think if anything, Short Stack is Princess Bubblegum.

Here’s Brucey: Darcy is Finn. She’s out here saving all of us all the time. Welcome back :)

Darcy smiled at that one. She’d convinced Clint and the scientists to watch Adventure Time.

America’s Ass: I am so confused.

America’s Ass: [download image]

Darcy laughed as she clicked on Steve’s gif. It was Lemongrab screaming ‘unacceptable.’ She didn’t know which was funnier: Steve not knowing what was going on and actually picking a gif from Adventure time, OR Steve having watched Adventure Time on his own and trolling them.

Alien of Thunder: My lightning sister has returned to the glorious group chat!

Alien of Thunder: This is cause for celebration!

Darcy sighed and smiled at her friends’ antics. Her anxiety had leveled out and she was feeling better than she had in days. First, she got to see Tony’s lovely face. Now she got to text with her friends.

However, it was time to finish Steve’s sweater.

“Friday,” she called out to the speaker in her living room. “Play ‘The Final Countdown,’” Darcy grinned a shark-like grin as she sat in her recliner and got her needles out. She could do this.

It was two more days before she called Tony again.

“What’s up stranger?” He asked when Darcy’s face popped up on the screen.

“I need to have something delivered to each of you. Can you help?” She looked over at the pile of sweaters wrapped in brown paper.

“Yeah, sure. Bruce did some tests on Steve and he seems to be immune due to his super DNA. He can pick it up and deliver it,” Tony was fiddling with a machine and Darcy nodded.

“I’ll text him then, thanks Tony!” And with that she hung up. Though she quickly shot a text to Steve.

I have a mission, should you choose to accept it.

While she waited, she decided to deep clean her room. Nothing would help her get out of her quarantine depression like summer cleaning! Once the entire apartment was vacuumed, mopped, dusted, and Lysol’d, she checked her phone again. Steve just replied.

Hit me with it.

She chuckled and sent back a picture of the stack of presents and the caption: I made something for each of you guys and I need help delivering it.

A moment later she sent another text: Tony said you were immune to the virus so I was wondering if you would help.

It only took a few minutes for Steve to reply.

Sure thing, Darcy :)

She smiled, he was genuinely one of the kindest people she’d met. He was just her type, too: tall, strong, he could swear like a sailor (not that he would let Tony know). While she was pondering her crush on the American icon, a knock sounded on her door, startling her out of her daydream and making her heart rate soar.

Hurrying over to the peephole, she let out a sigh of relief. It was Steve.

When she opened the door he looked down and smiled. When Darcy looked down, she noticed her outfit: a pair of black leggings (thankfully she had decided on pants that morning), and a “HULK SMASH” t-shirt with green and purple tie dye. Well, no use being bashful, she smiled gratefully at the man and let him in.

“I guess since you’re immune you’re allowed to come in,” she quipped and Steve chuckled.

“Thanks,” he rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “What did you make?”

“It’s a surprise,” Darcy winked and Steve felt a blush creep up his neck. “I can’t tell you because I made you one, too. You can’t open yours until everyone else has theirs, too. Okay? And no peeking at theirs. And don’t look in the group chat until you open it. Got it?”

“That’s a lot of rules, Darce,” he was smiling, standing in her newly cleaned apartment and in her personal space like it was totally normal and she hadn’t been isolated for nearly a month.

“I know, but it’s an important mission,” she loaded his arms up with little brown packages and sighed when he went to leave. He turned back to her with a curious look on his face. “It’s nice being able to see somebody in person,” she shrugged and he nodded sagely.

“Well, after I go see everyone I should self-isolate for a few days to make sure I’m not carrying any germs, but maybe after we can get together and watch a movie?” He cocked his head and smiled that winning smile at her.

“That would be lovely,” Darcy couldn’t help but return his smile, and hurried to escort him out. “No peeking!” She called as he laughed his way to the stairwell. He was such a good guy.

Darcy waited anxiously as Steve made his way to the tower and the other Avengers’ abodes. It was taking a little while though… Maybe he had walked? Darcy was nervously scrolling through her Instagram feed when the first message popped up.

It was a picture of Clint’s sweater.

HawkDaddy: Oh Em Gee, Darcy. It’s PERFECT.

Darcy felt warmth blooming in her chest at the sentiment. She loved giving to people. She thrived on happiness.

She kept quiet as the pictures started coming in. Tony was next, and then Bruce (probably working in the labs together with their N95 masks on).

Tin man: Short Stack, you’ve outdone yourself.

Attached was a photo of the sweater (front and back) compared to his actual face plate. It was pretty good, if she did say so herself.

Here’s Brucey: This is perfect, Darcy.

Bruce had actually included a selfie of himself giving a thumbs up. It made a giggle bubble up out of her chest. Nat was next, including a picture of her sweater next to her favorite knife and a handgun with the message: They are very realistic, I’m impressed.

That was a good compliment, and it went straight to Darcy’s head.

Thor was next, and he sent a picture of Jane absolutely drowning in the large sweater, and then a close up of a tiny knitted Mjolnir.

Alien of Thunder: A most excellent representation of my hammer, lightning sister. I shall wear it with pride.

Last, she waited for Steve to get home and open his.

When it finally came in, Darcy giggled at the image of Steve wearing a knitted sweater with an eagle and a billowing flag, hands on his hips. It was a sight to be seen.

America’s Ass: I’ve never worn a more appropriate sweater.

Darcy finally wrote in the group chat: Quarantine phase I: Darcy gets bored and knits everyone a sweater.

She was met with ‘LOL’s and laughing face emojis. Life was good for today, nothing dark on the horizon, she’d made her friends happy, and she had an upcoming movie night with Steve.

Darcy settled in on her couch and got ready for a night of Adventure Time.

Darcy spent two days in her post-sweater-delivery happy mood. Two excellent days where she showered, ate three meals, did a workout, messaged all of her friends. But reality set in. She didn’t know when she’d see them again. She didn’t know when she could hug Jane or go back to work. She hadn’t talked to Tony or Pepper but she was still getting her biweekly paychecks. She felt guilty about that. She felt guilty that she wasn’t brainy enough to help fix the virus or strong enough to have fought Dr. Doom’s minions.

So she was laying on her side on the couch listening to sad music on day three after the delivery. She hadn’t showered or eaten yet and it was four in the afternoon. Her phone buzzed and she ignored it, content to wallow in her Star Trek fleece jumpsuit. Her phone may have buzzed a few more times, but Darcy didn’t pay attention. She was busy having some time to herself.

She did just that for another three days, and took notice again of her slimming figure.

“Who knew depression holes and not being hungry would be the thing that finally helped me lose weight?” She asked the universe.

Darcy had gotten another shipment of food and supplies, but she didn’t Lysol down her door or clean each item before using them this time.

And she would pay for it.

She woke up on the sixth day after the sweater delivery feeling oh so tired. Figuring it was due to the lack of sustenance and exercise, Darcy decided to make herself some toast. She barely made it out of her room before the dizziness hit her.

Darcy sent a text to the group.

What are the symptoms? Help a girl out.

She started getting responses immediately.

HawkDaddy: Fever, body aches, fatigue

Nat: Dizziness, lessened appetite

Tin Man: Runny nose, sinus congestion, vomiting

Darcy gulped from her position on the floor (she sat down in the doorway when she started getting dizzy).

How many do I have to have before I have to go see a doctor?

She groaned as she sent the message and pulled herself up, trudging into her kitchen. The thought of ingesting anything nauseated her, so she made her way back to the couch, where she promptly fell asleep.

She woke up at noon choking on her own snot.

“Fuck,” she got the word out before she stumbled into the kitchen to blow her nose. After she’d friction burned her nose by using napkins as tissues, she slowly walked back to the couch (thanks dizziness) to check her phone. Three missed video calls from Tony, one from Jane, and a lot of texts.

America’s Ass: Are you alright, Darcy?

That was not in the group, it was a separate message, so Darcy answered that with a message before looking at the group.

I woke up super tired, super dizzy. Was awake for five minutes before I passed out on the couch. Woke up a disgusting mess and had to blow my nose with napkins because I don’t own tissues. So no, probably not.

Then, she checked the group chat. It was basically a conspiracy theory contest to guess what had happened to Darcy over the past few hours. Had she passed out from sickness? Gotten annoyed and started ignoring them? Fell down the stairs? Gotten kidnapped?

She shook her head and looked down at Steve’s next text.

I’ll make you some soup. Drink lots of water and get lots of rest.

She smiled at the sentiment. Steve was really sweet. She did what he said and grabbed a cup of water before retreating to the couch and scrolling through her Facebook. She kept getting group texts, though, so she put her phone away and threw on some mindless TV.

Darcy woke up to a knock on her door. It startled her, but she figured it was probably Steve. Nobody else would risk coming into contact with another human being. Darcy shuffled over to the door in her fleece pajama pants and birthday hedgehog t-shirt (a classic pajama day outfit) and looked through the peephole. She was right, Steve was awaiting her.

“Hey Darce,” he smiled down at her when she opened the door. “How are you feeling?”

“Like garbage,” she muttered. “Please, come in,” he stepped inside with a Tupperware full of noodle soup. “Oh my god, you really made me soup?” She looked up at him with wide eyes and he smiled bashfully.

“Friends don’t let friends get sick and not have soup,” he laughed and Darcy turned, misty eyed, towards the kitchen. People didn’t often do nice things for her, that was her job.

“You’re a lifesaver, Steven,” she spoke once she’d gotten control of her emotions and ushered him towards the kitchen table. “Come, sit with me,” she groaned as she lowered herself into the chair. The body aches were coming in waves.

“How are you holding up?” He asked once the two were sitting and Darcy had a full bowl of steaming soup in front of her.

“Well I think I’ve definitely got the virus. Either that or I’ve got a serious case of the flu. But I got my flu shot this year so…” She trailed off and shrugged. Steve frowned and reached over to press the back of his hand against her forehead. She tried not to act startled at the contact. It had been… Some amount of weeks since she’d touched another person.

“You do feel warm, do you have a thermometer?” She shook her head at his inquiry and the frown deepened. She didn’t like making Steve frown.

“Is it even worth going to the doctor?” She sighed and slouched into her chair. “It’s not like they can do anything but tell me to ride it out.”

“They could always prescribe you something for the symptoms,” he shrugged, looking thoughtful. “Something for the dizziness and aches.”

“Maybe, I’ll consider it,” she took a careful spoonful of soup and frowned. “I can’t taste it. Why can’t I taste it?” She took another spoonful and looked up at Steve with wide eyes. “Is that a thing?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t been keeping up with the news since it doesn’t really affect me,” he trailed off with a sheepish look on his face. “I’ll ask Tony.” He whipped out his smartphone and shot a text to Tony, fingers flying over the keyboard.

“I’m so sad I can’t taste your soup,” she was full of woe. “This is a travesty,” she whined and set the spoon back down. “I wasn’t even hungry and now I can’t taste anything?” She looked up at Steve with a pout.

“You should still eat, Darcy. I know it’s not super pleasant, but you need fuel,” he offered her a sympathetic smile, and gestured for her to take another bite, which she did (albeit slowly and with less excitement). “Tony said loss of smell and taste is a common symptom,” Darcy stood abruptly, ignoring the dizziness to find her lighter and light the ocean scented candle that had been sitting on her counter for a year. She lit it without preamble and then leaned in to give it a good sniff.

“Awe, come on,” she bemoaned, looking at Steve with that rumpled kitten look that made him want to wrap her up in a blanket and cuddle her.

“No scent either, huh?” He asked and she nodded, blowing out the candle before returning to her soup. “You’ll get through this. I’d be happy to drive you to the doctor if you’re not feeling well enough to drive,” Steve offered and Darcy was struck once again by how kind this man was.

“You’re too nice, Steve. Someone’s going to snatch you up one day,” she winked conspiratorially at him. He flushed, and she smiled inwardly. “Though, I don’t have a physician. I just go to medical at the tower.”

Steve hummed in understanding. It made sense for her, she lived, ate, and worked in the tower. No need to find a physician elsewhere when she could get treated at the state of the art facilities right nearby.

“To the tower then?” He asked as Darcy took the last few bites of her soup.

“To the tower,” she confirmed.

“Would you like to go now?”

She thought for a moment.

“Let me change and grab a mask from Tony’s most recent grocery drop. And then I’ll be ready,” she wanted to rush, but moving too fast had her head spinning. So, she shuffled over to her room, one hand on the wall at all times to keep her precarious balance.

Once she was in a pair of comfy leggings and a warm sweater (this one was violet), she threw a beanie over her slightly dirty hair and slapped a mask on her face.

“I’m ready,” her voice was muffled and Steve raised his eyebrows.

“It’s summer, and you have a fever,” he was nearly chiding her and she pouted. Unfortunately, the look went unnoticed past her mask.

“I’m chilly,” she finally said and he got that worried look again.

“Come on,” he held his arm out for her to take and she latched on gratefully. The dizziness was getting to her. “I texted Tony and asked him to have someone ready at medical for us,” he spoke softly as they headed for the elevator. It was a short ride down, and not too long by the time they made it to the tower.

“Short Stack, you look severely overdressed,” Tony was also wearing a mask, maybe two by the looks of it. He eyed their linked arms and quirked an eyebrow. “What’s that about?” He wasn’t one to mince words.

“Tony, now is not the time,” Darcy grunted through her mask. “I am freezing, I am dizzy, I sneezed into this mask more than once. I need Steve to help keep me from falling over. Are we good here?” She narrowed her eyes, attempting to get her frustration across without the lower half of her face. It worked.

“Right as rain, follow me,” Darcy could see his fingers flying over his fancy phone, but couldn’t tell who he was messaging. Her phone wasn’t vibrating, so it was unlikely to be the group chat.

When they made it to medical, Steve helped Darcy into a chair and then stood there for a moment, looking out of place.

“You’re welcome to stay and sit, Steve. You could also go explore the tower or something but I am unlikely to stand up without assistance again,” she spoke quietly, and he gave her a little smile before sitting down next to her.

“Not much for me to do in the tower, what with everybody being home from work,” he shrugged. “I have been going a little stir crazy.”

“You and I both. I miss Jane and her crazy science benders. I miss all of the scientists, actually,” Darcy frowned, picking at her fingernails (a habit she’d picked up recently). “I miss family dinner nights,” she muttered and Steve nodded in agreement.

“You do make excellent dinners, and it’s nice having some off-time with the others,” he added and she smiled with her eyes.

“Thanks, Steve-o.”

It looked like he wanted to say something else (she could tell because he didn’t need to wear a mask), but doctor McCoy walked in.

“You look tired, doc,” Darcy commented. There were red lines around where his mask sat on his face, and his usually fiery eyes were dulled.

“It’s been a long few weeks, Lewis,” he countered and she nodded. “Captain Rogers,” he nodded to Darcy’s escort and the super soldier nodded back.

“Bones has been dealing with me since I moved to the tower. For all sorts of things,” Darcy explained their familiarity.

“You come here a lot?” Steve asked with a concerned laugh.

“I get into a lot of lab accidents. One time Thor hugged me too hard and bruised my ribs. Clint once fell out of the vents and onto me and gave me a head injury. For someone as robust looking as I am, I am quite fragile,” she shrugged at Steve’s bewildered look.

“Well you are only human,” Doctor McCoy noted before getting into professional mode and taking her vitals.

“Why are you called Bones?” Steve asked when he was taking Darcy’s temperature.

“It’s a nickname his college roommate gave him, you tell him doc,” Darcy smirked and the good doctor rolled his eyes.

“My wife got everything in the divorce. I got nothin left but my bones,” he sighed dramatically before announcing that she had a fever. “What other symptoms are you having?” As they got into the nitty gritty, Steve reclined in his chair and watched with interest. It seemed like Darcy had friends everywhere. In medical, in the labs, with the security team and the Avengers. Hell, he’d even seen her bring coffee down to accounting before.

“I’m gonna be straight with you, Lewis,” the doctor sighed, looking down at his notes. “There’s not much I can do for this virus but treat the symptoms and hope you ride this out. You can take this for the fever, and this for the runny nose and sneezing,” he looked up at her as he passed the post it note over. “Not much I can do for your taste, smell, and dizziness, but I’d suggest keeping in contact with your resident super soldier in case something happens,” he eyed Steve up at that, and the other man nodded his agreement. “Drink lots of water, invest in some gatorade. Don’t drink it straight, mix it half and half with water. It tastes gross but it’s better for you. Get some rest, and I suggest finding a show to binge watch until you’re feeling better.”

“Any recommendations for that, Doc?”

“I highly recommend Star Trek,” he murmured with a smile.

“And any recommendations on how to stop being so fucking depressed about this quarantine situation?” She was half joking, and the doctor chuckled.

“Damn it Lewis,” he shook his head. “I’m a doctor, not a therapist,” it actually made her laugh, and Steve was disappointed by how muffled it sounded from behind her mask.

“I’ll have to find one of those, then,” she laughed as she went to get up, holding onto the back of the chair. “Thanks for these, doc,” she waved the paper in front of her and latched onto Steve when he offered his arm again.

“Take care of yourself,” he called as the two left the room.

“He seems like a swell guy,” Steve commented and Darcy hummed.

“He is. He deserves better than what he got, but it is what it is,” she shrugged. “You ready to head home, soldier?” She looked up at him and he got the feeling she was smiling.

“Sure am,” he replied, and when they got back Darcy shooed Steve off for a little while so she could take a bath and clean up.

“Want to come over for a movie later?”

“As long as it’s not The Hunger Games again,” Steve laughed and Darcy smirked, now that her mask was off.

“What, Clint’s favorite is getting to you?”

“I’m just curious how he gets to pick every time,” Steve emphasized as he made his way to the door.

Darcy only shrugged.

“We pick based on arbitrary things. Who ate the most pop tarts this week. Who wore the least amount of yellow. Who won the prank war. Etcetera,” she shrugged.

Steve only rolled his eyes before he waved and left.

Darcy sagged. Walking around and being peppy had exhausted her. Since when did she need to recharge after socializing. When this was all over, she’d need to reacclimate to her extroverted life.

They watched Star Trek that night (the one with Chris Pine) and Darcy stayed sick for four more days. She was avidly enjoying the group chat and her Netflix subscription since she couldn’t focus enough to knit and couldn’t do much else. Steve came by often to hang out or share meals with her. Sometimes they just sat on the couch and talked. It was nice getting to know him better. She’d always had a surface relationship with him. Not in a bad way, but they were both always busy.

When she was feeling better, she knitted him a pair of comfy socks and baked him some molasses cookies in thanks. He said it wasn’t a problem, he liked spending time with her. She blushed profusely but insisted he take them.

Darcy sometimes felt so unbearably lonely and sad, feeling stuck in her own home was hard. But she checked herself and reminded herself that she was very lucky. Not everyone got to hang out with a super soldier on the daily. Someone who couldn’t get sick. It was hard to remind herself that she had it better than a lot of people. But then again, a lot of people didn’t live alone and had their families to be around. It was weird. She wasn’t sure if she should be grateful or guilty.

She talked about her conflicting feelings with Steve a week after she got better.

“I just don’t know whether I should be grateful that I have you, and that I’m not alone, or whether I should feel guilty that I still feel stuck here and lonely when I do have you. Or on the third hand, whether I should be feeling some sort of way that I haven’t picked up a new skill or started working out in the past…” She trailed off and started counting her fingers. “Nearly seven weeks?”

Steve nodded.

“Nearly seven weeks,” he said with a sigh. They were both hoping the brains of the operation would have figured out a cure or a vaccine by now. She knew they were close, but it was so hard to figure out something when you had to be so careful of working around others. “But you shouldn’t feel bad, Darcy. I mean, I feel guilty that I am not being affected the way everyone else is, but I’m still alone a lot. And I am grateful to be around you so much. I have to quarantine for everyone else’s sake in case I can carry the virus,” he shrugged. “It’s a tough situation and it’s been hard on all of us. But that doesn’t make your feelings any less valid.”

“You’re very emotionally intelligent for someone who is like… mentally around thirty,” Darcy smiled softly and Steve huffed a laugh.

“Thanks, I think. I just spent a lot of my young adult life being left out of things and having to deal with them on my own, with only Bucky,” he sighed. “You have to learn to deal with the emotional and mental side of things when physically you’re like… Five foot two and a hundred pounds soaking wet.”

Darcy let out a little laugh.

“Not relatable, dude. I mean yeah, I’m five foot three. So pretty close. But I haven’t been under a hundred pounds since middle school,” she gestured vaguely at her chest. “When I got the girls, it added like five pounds minimum,” she shook her head good naturedly and Steve chuckled.

“I couldn’t even imagine being a woman in this day and age,” he sighed.

“I couldn’t imagine being a tiny ball of rage and righteousness in the thirties and forties,” Darcy countered and they shared a laugh.

Darcy had been counting. It was July when it all started. It would be September 20th on the morrow. But Tony had texted in the group. Some students at Oxford had come up with a vaccine and were working on it with a group of American doctors and scientists.

Darcy got vaccinated in November and was back at the tower (without a mask) by December.

“Jane!” Darcy squealed when she saw her tiny boss tinkering with a machine.

“Darcy!” Unlike previous encounters where Jane would ignore her for a machine, the scientist ran over to Darcy and they embraced each other.

“Can I get in on this group hug?” Clint climbed with supreme agility from the overhead air vent.

“Naturally, you jack-booted thug,” Jane said with misty eyes and a wavering voice. The two women were suddenly enclosed in a big circle of biceps.

“I have notified Sir of the group hug. The others will be here shortly,” JARVIS spoke and Darcy giggled, happy to see all of her friends again. Soon Tony, Nat, Bruce, and Thor were all joining in. Steve walked in on it and Darcy had an idea.

“Have y’all ever heard of a cinnamon roll hug?” She broke away from the group to grab Steve’s hand and pull him towards the commotion.

“Never.”

“Nope.”

“Sounds interesting.”

She nodded at the responses. She could make it work.

“We did it in college for team bonding. Everyone hold hands and stand in a straight line,” they did as instructed, and Darcy smirked. Thor would love this.

“Thor, start rolling in. Like a cinnamon roll,” Darcy instructed and Thor rolled into Jane, hands still holding. “Now Jane, follow. And everyone roll into it,” soon they were a big circle of hands and torsos and giggles. “Now let go of your hands,” she waited a moment before giving the final instruction. “Now, hug!” They were a mess of giggles by the end of it, but with Thor at the center smiling like a dork and everyone else shaking their heads and smiling, it was worth it.

“I don’t know how you come up with this stuff,” Steve commented once it was just he and Darcy. Jane had run off to get a piece of equipment.

“I learned a lot in college, just not about anything important,” she laughed and Steve smiled down at her warmly.

“Darcy?” He asked, leaning against the doorway.

“Mmhm?” She hummed, making her way towards him.

“Now that we’re out of isolation…” He trailed off as she came to stand closer than arm’s length away from him. “Would you want to get dinner with me?” He gave her that shy half-smile and she couldn’t help but beam up at him.

“I would love nothing more.”

#darcy lewis #steve rogers #steve rogers x darcy lewis #fanfic #fanfiction #ao3 #shieldshock

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ransomedrogue · 4 years ago

Text

Tales of Woe - Scenes from S1

...there are no words to properly describe the awesomeness of this episode! so good every time. in honour of her first appearance, special Allie POV! Basically it’s just three conversations this week (to make them talk and think about what happened :D )

PS you have to squint a little to fit these scenes all into the timeline of the ep but that’s the joy of fic.

1.9

There was really no reason for her to be in the locker room, other than extreme curiosity. But Allie figured the gorgeous new FBI consultant wouldn't pick up on that. And even if this 'Jane Doe' did, it wouldn't matter much anyways - Allie wasn't exactly shy. She'd probably end up just telling the truth, which would only make the situation more disconcerting for the other woman.

She wasn't exactly sure what she even wanted from an encounter with the tattooed woman; just a chance to check her out really. The stunned look on Kurt's face when Jane had appeared in that dress had made her both slightly jealous and highly curious. In her entire relationship with Kurt Weller he'd never looked at her, or anyone else, like that. So when she'd seen the object of Weller's attention enter the locker room immediately after they returned from their mission, Allie had slipped in too.

It turned out to be a solid tactic when she heard Jane struggling in the stall, obviously somehow stuck in her dress. Considering the stories she'd heard that day from the rest of Kurt's team about the woman’s exploits thus far, it seemed completely implausible that she'd been foiled by her outfit. But Allie definitely heard muffled cursing coming from the stall, along with a grunt of irritation.

"You need some help in there?" she called out.

There was a fairly long pause before Jane sighed.

"Um, yeah," she replied sheepishly, opening the door.

Allie stepped up to take a look at the situation, which ended up being a classic case of a jammed zipper. With a little wiggling, she freed the zipper pull from the fabric it was stuck on and then unzipped the dress the rest of the way, revealing all the tattoos that weren't covered up.

Unsurprisingly, Jane was wearing the most basic of underwear, despite the dress she'd been wearing. Allie eyed her inked skin and her fit body with interest, her mind wandering in a few different directions as Jane shyly got dressed in her regular clothes. She wondered how many of the tattoos Kurt had seen. Somehow she was sure he would eventually see them all, up close and personal. A small part of her wanted to see the rest of them too.

"So what happened out there?" Allie asked, interrupting her own thoughts and breaking the silence.

"Uh. All things considered, it turned out pretty well," Jane replied. "We were lucky Reade and Zapata showed up when they did though. I was out of ammo and there were a lot of guys."

It was an incredibly bland answer, one that didn't mention Weller directly at all. But also a perfectly normal and acceptable response to what had been asked. Clearly she needed to dig a lot deeper to find out what she wanted to know.

"And how did it go with Kurt? Being married and all that?"

Allie didn't fully know why she was putting Jane on the spot like that, except that there was a need on her part to take back some of the power she'd obviously lost. She'd liked a lot of things about Kurt Weller and he'd once liked a lot of things about her too. It was only natural she'd wondered that day if she still held any sway over him.

And that question had been answered as soon as Jane showed up in the dress that was lying in heap in front of them now. Which had immediately been intriguing, even though Allie didn't particularly like losing at anything. Especially when she'd been pitching real hard for Kurt's attention.

Who was this woman that could make him stare like that?

That's what Allie was going find out.

Jane was still standing there in front of her, cornered in the stall and looking uncomfortable with the shift in conversation. But being a US Marshal made Allie used to long silences in interrogations and so she left the question just hanging between them, waiting for a response.

Finally, Jane looked at her and offered an awkward shrug.

"Um. He was very… attentive."

Allie smirked, knowing how Weller could be. He was old school, very 'protect my woman' even though he tended to choose deadly women.

Good answer, she thought. Point for Jane.

"I'm sure he was. Kurt can be pretty possessive."

"Was he?" Jane asked, timidly. "When you… uh…"

"When we dated?" Allie replied. "Actually, not usually. Just after a few drinks and some guy gets handsy at the bar, you know."

Jane made a face like maybe she didn't know at all and was trying to wrap her head around the comment. Allie was thinking she kind of liked the deadly yet innocent consultant, a lot more than she thought she would.

"But I bet he was with you. Especially out there, all alone, without any backup," Allie said.

"I bet he was all over you."

Jane made a face that confirmed exactly what had just been said and Allie grinned, feeling like she'd accomplished her mission. She'd gotten a sense of the situation between her ex and his new interest, which pretty much told her what she'd originally thought.

"Anyways, I'll let you get dressed," Allie said, finally turning to leave the stall.

Jane stammered some sort of thanks for freeing her from her dress but Allie was already on her way out of the locker room, with a new mission in mind.

It was time to find Kurt and put him to a little test; one she already knew he was going to fail.

###

"But aside from that you won't find a better man."

The US Marshal's words were still repeating in her ears even after Jane had returned the ring and Weller had gone off to put the props away. She had walked away from the one-sided conversation with Kurt's ex with her brow furrowed; puzzled about Allie's behaviour and a little startled at the implication of her words. Weller wasn't actually hers at all, despite how natural it had felt being ‘married’ to him for the day. Though she did feel his walls breaking down a little - he was talking to her more since she'd asked if they were friends.

Her relationship with him had already been a whirlwind and nothing had really even happened yet. She liked to think they'd settled into a good place after their stint of boundary setting; somewhere with a safe amount of distance for both of them. But of course she still thought about it, what it would be like to be with Weller. To be able to touch him the way they'd slid in and out of each other's hands that day.

They had fit so well together, both professionally and... physically. And then there'd been the way he behaved – so angry and jealous, with a heat that made it seem like more than an act. Which had startled her at first; but when he'd called her his wife in that fierce tone, a warm ripple had passed through her body.

That was all over now though. She'd returned the ring and dress, and was back in her regular clothes, feeling so much more comfortable with herself. Though she hadn't exactly minded the way Weller had looked at her; especially since it had all happened in front of his ex.

Which brought her back to her confusion about Allie. When the Marshal had hugged Weller so familiarly that day it had elicited feelings from Jane that she'd never experienced before. The idea of Weller having a girlfriend had previously just been a vague concept, not something she'd ever paused on for long. But now she had all sorts of thoughts and questions and feelings about Kurt and his past and future romantic relationships.

Especially now that Allie had just implied that Weller was somehow Jane's, even though nothing had actually changed in their relationship. No matter how he had acted while they were 'married', it was all part of his job. He was the lead agent on her case, as well as her boss. Sure, she had a lot of complicated feelings about him but all that was really between them was an ancient connection, a lot of unresolved guilt and a neediness on her part. She knew he cared about her. But that was due to his past, and because it was his job. In their current existence, they were just settling into being friends. He was actually coming over for the housewarming party that night, which was nice, especially after the day that they'd had together.

That was just an act, Jane reminded herself sternly as she approached the elevator.

Jane stirred herself out of her thoughts as she pressed the down button and waited. She wanted to get back to the safe house before everyone came over, though she wasn't exactly versed on what she was meant to do as the host of a housewarming party. Especially since the idea had been foisted on her by drunk Zapata and Patterson, who wanted to both see the place she escaped from and make Weller come out with the team. Jane had still been a bit surprised that Kurt had enthusiastically approved of the plan, despite how sure both the other agents had been about it. Which had resulted in a lot of smirking and pointed eyes looks in her direction when he immediately took the idea and ran with it.

So maybe it hadn't all been an act.

Jane was blushing a bit just thinking about it when Kurt approached again and let his gaze fall over her. He was standing awfully close too; so close she could feel the heat coming off his body. She was trying to not think about dancing with him earlier, but it was nearly impossible to keep the memory out of her mind. It didn't matter that he wasn't in the tux anymore, just the scent of him was enough to evoke the feeling of his hands on her body.

"Do you want a ride home?" Weller asked, interrupting her thoughts.

Jane prayed her cheeks weren't as red as they felt, and she tried her hardest to put those thoughts away. Any other day she could tell Weller that her detail would drive her but he was coming over for the housewarming so there wasn't any good reason not to ride with him. Especially because he was cutting out before the rest of the team was done for the day; an extreme rarity. And her body kept inching towards his, as if pulled by a gravitational force.

"Uh, sure," she stammered, without any of the confidence she'd felt while playing his wife.

Weller grinned at her response and ushered her into the just-arrived elevator car, then pressed the door close button as soon as they got in. Jane tried her best not to stand too near but now it was Kurt who kept closing the space between them, until her shoulder was touching his.

It was strange, but as soon as his body made contact with hers, Jane felt calmer. Especially when he gave her a little nudge, as if to say 'relax.'

They didn't talk on the way down to the vehicle, but the silence was anything but awkward. There were a lot of furtive glances and semi-smiles, some conversing with their eyes. Jane could tell that Weller was also thinking about the day they'd had and she liked the expression it brought to his usually serious face.

She thought back to earlier again. How possessive he'd been. He'd implied it was part of the act. But it hadn't felt that way. Maybe because, even now, he hadn't quite stopped behaving that way.

Once they were driving, Jane wondered if they were going to talk about the day, or pretend it had all never happened. Fairly quickly she got her answer, as Weller turned to her with an unreadable expression.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable out there today," he said. "Things got pretty… close there for a moment."

Jane frowned, biting down hard on her lip, wondering if he meant the shootout they'd been about to lose or how physically entangled their bodies had been. Because that part had certainly not been the problem. Being so close, having his hands all over her; it had felt more than a little comfortable.

"I think I might have come off like a possessive asshole."

Jane snapped her head up to look at him in surprise. He sounded a little anxious, like he wasn't sure how to navigate the situation. Which was rather adorable considering how forceful he'd been in the moment.

"You were acting pretty jealous," Jane commented, matter-of-factly.

"Well, he shouldn't have been touching you like that!" Weller retorted.

Jane grinned, and flashed him a wink. He still sounded pissed off just thinking about it. Which, she had to admit, was kind of cute.

Weller caught on that she was just playing with him and most of his anger dissipated; though his next words were still a bit huffy.

"Even if you're not my wife, I'm not going to let some creep do that to you."

The way he looked at her as he said it made Jane feel warm on the inside, but a little confused as well. She could obviously take care of herself. It certainly wasn't on Kurt to defend her honour. And yet, she liked that he wanted to.

"Weller. Calm down," Jane sighed. "It's over."

Kurt exhaled and looked back at the road for a bit as he took her advice and refocused his energy. She wondered at his anger, so long after the fact. Sure, the guard had taken full advantage of the situation in an unseemly manner, but Weller's emotions about it hadn't died off, even now.

Finally, as they were nearing the safe house, Kurt turned to her with a bit of a sheepish look.

"I'm really glad we still get to do this. For a minute there I was worried about what I'd gotten you into."

Jane wondered about his admitting that. He'd seemed confident the entire time. Though she'd started to be fairly concerned when she ran out of ammo and more attackers kept appearing.

"We would have figured something out," she said, brushing the near-miss out of her mind.

That won her a full grin from Kurt.

"Yeah," he said. "We made a good team didn't we."

There was another heady pause between them as Weller pulled the SUV up in front of the safe house and parked. But then, before they had a chance to get out, he turned to her and blurted out a question.

"What did Allie say to you?"

Jane felt a flutter in her stomach and panic in her chest. She didn't want to actually tell Kurt what the Marshal had said. So there had to be some way around it, without using exact words.

"Um. I think she thinks there's uh… something going on between us? Or that there should be."

It was the best she could do to sum up her strange contact with Weller's ex. But when Kurt didn't reply for a long time and just sat there with a pensive look on his face, Jane figured she must have said something wrong. Looking at him nervously, she waited to hear that him proclaim that she was making things up or massively misreading the situation.

But when Weller finally replied, he also sounded a bit confused.

"Yeah," he nodded. "That's the vibe I got too."

"Sorry about that, I don't know what's up with her. It's been awhile."

Jane felt all her anxiety wash away immediately and she bit back a smile. She'd rather liked the Marshal, despite her initial reaction at discovering the pretty agent was Kurt's ex. And she definitely liked that Allie thought Weller was over their relationship and had moved on to a new interest.

Shrugging, Jane flashed Kurt a sly grin.

"I guess we were too good at the act," she commented.

They were, and she knew it.

"That Rich Dotcom guy sure bought it."

Weller groaned and rolled his eyes at the mention of the ridiculous dark web kingpin they'd just apprehended.

"Hopefully we never have to see that guy again," he muttered.

"I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from shooting him."

###

Weller walked Jane into the safe house with a nerves tingling up and down his spine. The last time he'd been in there with her he'd ended up running off before he did something inappropriate. And now he knew what it felt like to hold her close and run his hands along her curves.

At the moment he had his arm lightly draped behind her back, hovering as if waiting to catch her from some unseen danger. Then, when he opened the door and she stepped in, his hand glanced against her hip for a brief second and it took everything in him to pull it away before his palm slid up to her waist the way it had earlier that day.

Quickly Kurt flushed the memory from his mind and reminded himself that he had to stay professional. Despite what Allie had implied, there wasn't anything going on between him and Jane and he meant to keep it that way. If he acted on his feelings towards her any more than he already had, he would probably be forced to withdraw from her case. Which was a consequence he wasn't willing to risk, no matter how attracted he was to her.

Shaking himself back into the present, Weller put the beers he'd brought into the suspiciously empty fridge and the snacks on the counter. When he was done putting things away, he noticed that Jane was standing in the kitchen looking a little lost so he opened two beers and handed her one.

"Cheers," he said, with a grin.

"To another successful mission."

They clinked bottles and Jane took a few sips before she offered him the same helpless look she'd been wearing since they came in.

"I'm sorry. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do," she stammered.

Weller's grin grew as he took in her nervousness. She hadn't been nearly this anxious when stranded with him alone in the field, pretending to be married and facing a small army on their own. Or when he'd made her dance with him at the party, knowing that he might never get another golden opportunity like that.

"Relax," he replied. "How about you show me around?"

It was a bit pointless since it was just another standard FBI safe house and Weller had certainly seen enough of those in his career. But Jane gave him a thankful smile at his suggestion and toured him through the place, all of it as non-descript as he imagined until they returned to the living room and he noticed the sketches on the wall.

"Did you do these?" he asked, staring at the incredible detail in the art.

Jane nodded as she stepped up next to him, suddenly looking shy again.

"They're amazing," he added.

"Is there anything you can't do?"

Jane blushed.

"Uh. I don't know how to host a housewarming party?"

Weller laughed.

"Jane, stop worrying. The rest of the team will be here soon and then we'll order pizza. All you have to do is relax and have a good time."

She sighed and gave him a sheepish look.

"Sorry. Sometimes I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing."

Kurt laughed again.

Could she be any more adorable? Deadly and capable as hell but still lacking confidence in many ways.

"You did fine at the party today," he said.

"Why don't we just sit down and wait for everyone else?"

Jane still looked unsure so Weller took the lead and sat down on the couch, then gave her an expectant look. Which finally drew a grin from her as she rolled her eyes and joined him on the sofa.

It was a little weird sitting there with her, but not really. He could still feel it, that rightness between them. It had been like that all day, the way his arm fit perfectly around her.

Weller's mind drifted right back to dancing with her, rueing the fact that there wasn't likely to be another mission that involved that sort of interaction. Then his brain flashed to Jane asking if he'd ever been married and her confession about having been engaged at some point.

It made him irrationally upset thinking that she possibly had a fiancé, and not for the poor fiancé who'd lost his gorgeous future wife. Obviously Kurt knew what it meant, that he wanted her to be his. But she wasn't and she couldn't be - it would only make him more goddamned not 'objective' like everyone already said.

Weller growled at himself, trying to put all of it out of mind. They were friends, and it had to stay like that for the sake of the investigation.

"Can I ask you something?"

Kurt was knocked out of his internal battle by Jane's timid question, and he immediately focused in on her again.

"Of course," he replied.

It took her a moment to continue and he loved watching the emotions dance across her features as she thought about her next words.

"What happened between you and Allie?" Jane finally asked.

"She seemed pretty happy to see you again."

That was twice she'd asked about his relationship with Allie, which definitely gave his ego a little boost. He liked that Jane cared enough to question him about it, even if he didn't really want to discuss his failed love life with her.

"Uh, yeah," he mumbled, trying his best to play things cool.

"I guess she forgot we weren't a very good fit."

That much was true. He'd been surprised that Allie had propositioned him again, despite all their issues the first time around. She'd been pretty clear that he hadn't been able to meet her needs, and he didn't think her memory was that short.

Jane gave him a look that implied she didn't believe him and Weller sighed. How was he supposed to characterize a relationship that ended because he was emotionally unavailable?

"There was a lot of drinking and not a lot of talking," he explained.

"We had a lot of fun but she wanted more from me."

"What did you want?" Jane asked.

She sounded so innocent and earnest, yet he couldn't help but feel awkward talking to Jane about Allie. It was making him overthink things to the extreme, go down a mental path he was trying to avoid.

"To be honest, I didn't know what I wanted," he finally replied. "And I was never good at opening up."

"Yeah," Jane said. "I can tell."

Weller frowned with amusement at her tone, and gave her a little nudge on the shoulder.

"You keep your cards pretty close to your chest too," he grumbled.

"You remembered being engaged? When did that happen?"

"Not until you put the ring on my hand," she said, seeming to blush a bit, though he couldn't quite tell in the dim light.

"Were there any clues about who he might be?" Weller asked, recognizing that he was prying and unable to stop himself from doing so. At least he could pretend it was due to the case.

"No, but I did remember later that I gave the ring back," Jane said, a little sadly. "And I think I've dreamt about him before."

The fact that she'd given the ring back shouldn't have made him so pleased but it still did. The thought of a fiancé out there swooping in to claim Jane as his own turned his stomach, and the chances of that happening were a lot slimmer if they were no longer engaged.

Weller's internal voice tried to warn him that his emotions about her were too present after the day they'd had, and that talking about relationships with Jane, especially right then, was risky business. Yet, the next words came out anyway, before his rational mind could shut his mouth.

"Have you thought about it?" he asked. "Dating?"

Maybe he just felt the need to prepare himself for the eventuality. She deserved a life outside of the case and was certain to attract interest if she started going out more often. Or maybe he was trying to trap her into some reassurance that she also understood they were meant to be together. The thing was, even Kurt wasn't exactly sure why he was pushing the conversation in that direction.

Jane looked anxious as hell about his question, which had not been his intent at all. Yet obviously he'd put her on the spot, in an extremely awkward way.

Nice one, Weller, he groaned to himself, wondering if he could retract his words somehow. But before he could backtrack, Jane actually answered.

"Um a little bit? It would all be pretty hard to explain though."

That much was obvious, though he imagined that Jane's mysterious past would just make her more intriguing to most men. It was cute to see her so shy though; so unsure when she was generally so self-confident.

"Even just the tattoos," she continued. "Not to mention the memory thing."

The tattoos were such an integral part of her that he no longer registered them as out of the ordinary. In fact, it was strange to see her without the bird on her neck at the moment, because she hadn't yet wiped off the makeup they'd used to cover it for the mission. So it was hard to remember that the tattoos weren't ordinary at all and would prompt a lot of judgment, especially since she couldn't explain any of it, due to everything being classified.

"Your tattoos are gorgeous," he stated firmly. "They're a part of you. You shouldn't have to explain them to anyone."

"It was the only thing missing from that outfit today."

He hadn't exactly meant to let that last bit slip; would have blamed it on the beer except he'd only had half a bottle. But it didn't make the statement any less true. The thought of Jane wearing that dress while in her regular inked skin was almost too much to bear.

"Kurt, that was so not me," Jane groaned, shaking her head at him.

"Yeah well, a tux isn't me either," he replied. "But it's still nice to look good in one."

It was true after all. It had felt nice, getting the appreciative comments from Allie. Though Weller was glad he'd stopped himself from blurting out his thoughts when Jane had first appeared in that dress. Now though, he couldn't seem to help elaborating on his more muted comment at the time.

Jane blushed, which only stirred his out-of-whack emotions even further.

"Sorry," he apologized, realizing he'd crossed a line again.

"I shouldn't go there."

"No, you're right," Jane replied with a shy smile.

"It is nice to hear. I don't usually feel very pretty."

Of all the words she could have spoken, those ones completely knocked his socks off. Her lack of self-recognition was bewildering- it seemed impossible that Jane didn't know how beautiful she was. Either dressed up for a gala or just in a tank top and jeans.

His hands wanted to reach for her and confess all of his thoughts. Weller even felt his arm moving towards her, as if by its own accord. He could feel the crumbling of his internal walls and was seriously about to give himself away when there was a knock at the door and they could hear Patterson's voice through it.

Weller was thrown out of his reverie by the noise and breathed a sigh of relief. He'd nearly acted on feelings he was trying his best to repress, and that would have likely led to all sorts of complications. Yet he couldn't just let the conversation end where it was; so before they stood up, he managed to sneak in one more comment.

Looking at Jane seriously, he held her to the couch with his eyes for just a moment longer.

"Well. You should," he declared, in a tone that brooked no arguing.

His declaration brought a shy, sassy smile to her lips before Jane suddenly fled, muttering something about washing off the makeup before everything got started. Weller wistfully watched her run off before going to open the door; once again both cursing and blessing the others for showing up at that moment. Because he'd been about to reach out and kiss her. And he would have never been able to let go.

#blindspot #blindspot fanfic #blindspot rewatch #s1fic #i wrote this

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dahlia-coccinea · 4 years ago

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While I do really enjoy reading J. Hillis Miller’s ‘The Disappearance of God’, I don’t agree with everything he says. He describes Wuthering Heights as a fictionalized version of Emily’s religious beliefs and sees Catherine and Heathcliff as almost completely spiritual and what little physicality they have is a detriment to their relationship because it necessitates a separateness on earth which must be mediated by their deaths. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t go that far with reading into the spiritualism in the book - at points, it reads too deeply into certain scenes, and others it glosses over scenes that solidify that the book is also concerned about human problems, feelings, and has some realism. In that way, there are some similarities to Charlotte’s Jane Eyre.

This criticism is also very similar to those that see Catherine’s love for Heathcliff as her viewing him as only elemental and almost denying him personhood. Or that to the reader Heathcliff is meant to be a manifestation of Wuthering Heights in human form. They’re all rooted in making everything metaphorical. While Emily was arguably the most poetic of her sisters, similar to them, she still wrote about often terribly human problems, with periphery commentaries on gender, class, and race, etc. Her poeticism and mysticism certainly add to the complexity and beauty of the story but to see it as only poetic often ends up limiting the variety of topics and imagery to fit into the singular desired narrative. Still, I do enjoy reading Miller’s interpretation because the way he frames the characters and problems is often so profound and force me to look at the narratives from other angles.

#wuthering heights #J. Hillis Miller #emily brontë #thoughts

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hankwritten · 3 years ago

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Litany

Gen, 2k

Part of the DontNeedADiscord Pride Week, Day 1: Flag

“And what is the meaning of these?”

It was a good idea not to make Miss Helen pissy. She was the Boss around here, and not in the way Miss Pauling was the boss, but like the Boss with a capital B. I wasn’t exactly sure if she owned the building, or maybe the company, or maybe she was just our lawyer so we shouldn’t tee her off because of that, but the way Dell had explained it making her mad was a good way to have your desk packed by the end of the day.

So, I’d have to be very delicate about this. “They’re pins, Miss Helen,” I explained extremely politely. “It’s the first day of Pride Month; I thought everyone could do with a little company spirit!”

“Spirit?” The T on the end of the word popped like a firecracker. Miss Helen could make nice words like spirit or rainbows sound like she was actually saying dog doody. “And how exactly do these pins make you…prideful?”

“They’re fun!”

When she didn’t react, I at first assumed it was because she couldn’t hear me so well through my respirator, but then I considered what I knew about her and wondered maybe she simply didn’t know what fun was.

“Look,” I said, placing one in the palm of her hand. “It has a flag on it! I was thinking as people are coming in during the day, they can pick them out and wear them if they want to, just to show off a little color. See? This one is the bigender flag.”

She held it up and examined it like a jeweler inspecting a diamond. “And you find this…fun?

“Yeah!”

She waited, as though expecting the fun to start radiating out of the pin like a hand warmer. “…You certainly have quite a few of these.”

It was true. Along with the usual lollipops and stickers I kept at the front desk (the former being exclusively for clients and never-ever for sneaking myself one, no siree), the scattering of buttons took up a good chunk of counter space, with as many varieties as I could find. I didn’t want anyone to feel left out, so I’d just kept on printing until I had over three dozen.

“Very well,” Miss Helen said finally. “If it is good for company spirit.”

I clapped my hands in delight, glad the party wasn’t going to get shut down before it even started. So palpable was my relief, I didn’t even notice that Miss Helen hadn’t given the button back.

I didn’t have time to worry about it though, since just then Dr. Ludwig came in through the glass doors. He was normally the first one after me, as he always liked to get an early start down in the lab, and we’d developed a morning routine as fellow early birds.

“Dr. Ludwig!” I said, waving my hand, partly to get his attention and partly to show off the new gloves Dell had gotten me. The rubber ones had been so hard to type in, but these were nice and concealing as well as colorful. “Happy Pride Month! Do you want a pin?”

“Guten Morgen,” he greeted warmly. “Ah, buttons?” He picked up the closest one. “Pride buttons, I see.”

“Here you go!” I said, shoving a bi pin in his general direction since he’d shown interest.

But, to my surprise, he didn’t take it immediately. “Ehrm…” he said, staring down at the circle of metal.

“…Is this not the right one?” I withdrew my hand. Was I misremembering? “I’m so sorry, I guess I forgot…”

“No, no I did say that, didn’t I.” He ran a hand through his hair, sending its usual prim style haywire. “It is just…” He coughed lightly into his fist. “…Would you allow me to confide with you for a moment?”

Immediately, I pulled out the spare footstool I kept behind the counter, patting it as Dr. Ludwig came through the counter doors and took a seat. Our early morning chats were normally something to look forward to, shared over a donut or coffee he’d brought into the office, but today he just seemed run down. As he tucked his heels onto the stool’s crossbar, he rubbed his face.

“You know I am not as…up on all of this as some of your generation, ja?” he began.

“Millennials scare you,” I nodded, pulling my legs into my swivel chair.

“I wouldn’t go so far as to say that,” he huffed. “It is…well when we had our first conversations, and it was explained to me, it seemed to fit. At the time. Having to reconcile beginning a relationship with Mikhail when I still was not quite over Frida, nor really sure why things had fallen apart with us there.”

I remembered. “At the time? But not anymore?”

He sighed, ruffling his hair even more. “Now…now I am not so sure. Being with Mikhail is…quite different than any of the thirty years Frida and I spent together. I am starting to wonder if it was more just that I held extreme affection for her, and I was inexperienced enough that I was able to mistake it for attraction.” He chuckled humorlessly. “I thought I was so in love with her, and that’s why I never even looked at another woman. Töricht.”

“I don’t think that’s dumb,” I shook my head. “Everybody’s learning new things all the time. You can’t be expected to have everything sorted right after coming out.”

“Yes, I suppose,” he said. “But I still feel…guilty I think. Several of our coworkers are proudly attracted to both men and women, and I am aware that treating such a label as a ‘phase’ is a crude stereotype they have to deal with. I’d rather not have anyone think I was making a mockery of them.”

“It’s not a stereotype if that’s what’s really happening.” I patted him on the shoulder. “No one’s going to see it like that. If you think that’s where your journey is taking you, then there’s no shame coming out a second time.”

Dr. Ludwig responded to my words with a hopeful, if not entirely convinced, look behind his spectacles.

“Here,” I said, handing him both a bi and a gay pin. “You don’t have to wear either of them, this is just for fun after all! But if you change your mind…”

He looked at the two pins in his hand, then smiled tiredly up at me. “…Thank you mein friend. You are always helpful to talk to.”

“I try to be!”

After a few more assurances, the Doctor did eventually leave for the lab. Right on his coattails, Dell and Marcel came through the front door.

“Hey there, firebug,” Dell greeted. “What are you gettin’ up to here?”

I gave the quick rundown, pulling my shirt to highlight my own pin since I’d forgotten to show it off to my first two customers. “Pick any one you like!”

“Bear in mind I am saying this as a queer person,” Marcel said, sniffing down at the massive mound of multicolored circles, “this is all quite tacky.”

“Aw, learn how to have some fun, Spook,” Dell said, elbowing him in the side. To show him up, he claimed a pansexual pin for himself, and shot me a wink.

Marcel did nothing but sniff; but, when he thought no one was looking, I saw him discreetly sneak one of the pins off the counter as he left.

After that, the morning’s influx picked up too much to greet every person individually, but during lunch people saw fit to swing by and check things out again.

“Hi buddy!” Miss Pauling greeted. “I heard you were giving out Pride pins and wanted to see if- why are there so many lesbian ones?”

“Well!” I said, ecstatic to launch into an information dump. “The oldest of these is actually the ‘lipstick lesbian’ flag which, in absence of a more generic one, was used without the kiss mark in the corner. The one with the orange stripes wasn’t created until 2018, to be more inclusive all different lesbian groups.”

“Okay, but why does this one have an axe on it?”

“That’s the labrys!” I took the purple and black pin from her hand, pointing as I described, “the double bearded axe was used by the Amazons in Greek myth, and reappropriated in 1999 for its symbolism in female empowerment.”

“Wow,” she blinked down at the five different designs. “That’s really cool, except for the fact I have no idea how to use an axe.”

“I bet Tavish could teach you, he loves his Skullcutter.”

“…I’ll think about it. I’ll just take this one for now.” She picked up the orange five-stripe variation and pinned it to her purple shirt.

“Looks good!”

“Thanks!” she grinned. “And it was really nice of you to do this.”

“Honestly, the pleasure’s all mine. I just like seeing everyone happy.”

And everyone was! At least it sure seemed that way, even if it was kind of hard to tell with Mikhail. After lunch, he lumbered past my desk, picked out a gay pin, and put it on without so much as a smile. I took the muted grunt to be that of satisfaction

Tavish was next, dropping off half a roast beef sandwich since I’d forgotten to eat today, and instantly becoming my favorite person. While I was chowing down, he swiped two trans and two bi pins from my collection.

“Wadda you need two of each for?” I asked, quite a feat with my mouth full of roast beef and my respirator hanging halfway around my chin.

“Haven’t you heard?” Tavish asked with a raise of his eyebrow. “They just dropped a new identity: double bi. It’s twice as potent as regular bisexuality.”

I tilted my head, blinking perplexedly from behind my lenses.

“Ah, just a joke duck,” he assured. “The spares are for the husband.”

“Oh, right.” I swallowed down my mouthful. “I actually haven’t seen Jane at all today?”

“Ach, he came in earlier than you. Left at five this morning.”

“What? How?” I shook my head. “I’m the one who unlocks the doors.”

“Said he was tired of waiting for your ‘lazy, unpatriotic behind’ to start the day at seven. His words, not mine.” Tavish smiled apologetically. “He broke into one of the lab side doors.”

“…I bet Mikhail had something to say about that.”

He sighed. “That he did. They’ve been at it for hours. If there’s another office-wide prank war tomorrow, you’ll know why.”

Oh no. That’s how we lost our last two coffee makers, and our last seven office hamsters. Tavish assured me that it wouldn’t get out of hand, but by the time Mick showed up near the end of the day, my mood was somewhat dampened.

“Everything alroight, Campfire?” he asked me. “Ya look glum.”

“Just thinking about the impending damage to all those nice posters I put up in the breakroom,” I said sadly. “But! If you’ve come here to pick out a pin, that might cheer me up a bit.”

Mick chuckled in that cute little way of his, and already I was smiling. “Might have.”

We were close enough that I was ninety-five percent certain which one he wanted, but I’d learned my lesson with Dr. Ludwig and didn’t try to pick it out for him. Still, I let myself entertain a self-satisfied grin as he picked up the aroace flag.

“Hey uh,” I said. “If that’s the one you like, and uh…since I know you’re into archery…”

Carefully, I opened one of my drawers and extracted the special pin I’d made earlier, Mick watching me curiously all the while.

“Someone on the internet made this design,” I explained. “It’s for an aroace, arrow-ace!”

The flag was blacked out in several places to make a bow and arrow shape, and Mick grinned as he took it from my glove. “Clever.”

“Do you like it?” I asked hesitantly.

“Well, let’s see.” He pinned it to his vest. “Looks pretty good ta me.”

I couldn’t keep my stomach from doing a little flip at that. When Dell showed up, the last to leave the office for the day, he could tell I was smiling even through the mask.

“Everything go well, partner?” he chuckled. “You look pleased as punch.”

“Everything went great! Even Scout came by, although all he did was say ‘hey, free crap!’ and dumped a bunch of pins into his pocket.”

“I’m glad to hear the attempt at company spirit was a success,” a voice from behind Dell said, making us both jump. Miss Helen emerged from the shadows, her purple jacket an entire mass of pride pins, nearly one of every kind. When had she gotten all those? Had she been paying Marcel to sneak them out while I wasn’t looking? “A happy work environment is a productive work environment, as I always say. Well done, secretary.”

“Can’t remember you ever saying that, ma’am,” Dell admitted blandly.

“…Why do you have so many?” I asked.

“These are…fun…are they not?” she sniffed. “I am having…fun.”

Huh. Maybe this is just what she looked like when she was having a good time. I shrugged. “Glad you enjoyed yourself Miss Helen! Does that mean it’s okay to do it again next year?”

“…You have my permission.”

With that, she strutted out, and Dell shot me a grin. I scooped the remaining pins into my bag and closed up the front office, chatting with him on the way to the parking lot about how we could mix things up next year.

#dnadprideweek2021 #tf2 fanfiction

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