#But since I have lost weight I've had a lot more unwanted make attention

[rose-coloredghoul]

Vent about men ig

[hoodieofholland]

Prove you something // Mob!Tom Smut

Summary: you get jealous over a meeting Tom have with another woman without your knowledge, and he has to prove you something.

Pairing: mob!tom x reader

Word count: ~4.5K

Warnings: smut (18+), fingering (f.), oral (f.), language.

A/n: I’m a sucker for mob!Tom, judge me, but these last contents we’ve been receiving for the past month are the blame. here we go again, enjoy.

Masterlist

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As a mob, Tom had to deal with a lot of different people throughout his busy day. You were used to the meetings all the time, even when it was past afternoon, hiting the midnight. Patiently, you'd wait your turn to share some good time with your boyfriend, unless he wanted you to stay for the day, besides him, in the conference room.

Today was slightly different. Tom was held for hours in the conference room, talking business, while you distracted yourself with some other work. But by the time it was around 7p.m., you were bored enough to walk up the place, wanting to know when he'd be over.

Wearing your favorite pyjamas, you walked through the silent house, and just as approaching the conference room, you heard an unusual type of voice.

"Listen, Tom, I'm not here to discuss the shitty situation..."

It got your attention, made you stop in your tracks to hear better, all because it was a female voice. Normally, Tom would always meet with men, them being the mob leaders around London. Not a woman.

You tried to sneak around and see if there were another voice in the room, but as soon as you put your ear to the door's thick wood, Harrison came up behind your figure, making you jump.

"Holy shit!" You screamed in whispers. "Jesus, Harrison, you scared the hell out of me!"

Harrison didn't make any effort to cover his laughter, making you shush him.

"Sneaking around, uh?" He teased through laughters. "You know what Tom says about listening behind closed doors. Someday it might come back to you".

Trying to contain your madness, you cross your arms around your chest and snort. "It's meant for you guys, you idiot. He's not talking about his girlfriend".

"Are you really sure?", still holding his teasing smile, he tilts his head a little. Eyeing the door again, he pouted. "Why didn't he invite you tonight, then?"

"Said it was some small business and wouldn't take that long". You shrugged, though you knew it was bullshit. Tom had already been inside that fucking room for what seemed forever. It wasn't any small business talk, for what it matters.

"I can tell you that there's not small talking inside there" he pointed his chin in the room's direction. "Melissa is right there".

A little confused, but still not wanting to give your feelings away, you stay cool with your voice. "Who is Melissa?"

Harrison’s eyes narrowed and you can tell he had no idea you didn’t know about a single thing that was going on inside there.

“Melissa. The majoriest woman in this whole fucking city. She’s, like, the only female mobster leader in England”. The emphasis in his voice made you feel the message he wanted to deliver. You felt even somewhat a little weak, as if the weight of the presence of that woman could be sensed in your lungs.

Harrison quirked a brow, waiting for your answer, but you didn’t say nothing. Why was Tom lying to you? Why he didn’t want you to know that this woman was right inside the room with him?

“Is he alone there?” You questioned Haz, who shakes his head negatively.

“No, I was there a couple of minutes ago. Just grabbing a cup of tea”. He lifted the mug on his hand. “There’s also her guard or something. The chick is a bit... ugh”

You felt the weight again. “What the fuck does ugh means?!”

Harrison was about to explain, but seeing your exasperated reaction, he just smiled teasingly again. “I think someone is jealous”.

You puffed your cheeks out in frustration, wanting to tug on your hair, or maybe on Harrison’s.

“You’re being ridiculous” you tried your best to sound neutral about the fact that your boyfriend was inside a not very large room with a woman you didn’t know nothing about, but it was getting harder as Harrison seemed like having some fun torturing you.

“Don’t worry, y/n, that’s not what I meant” he chuckled softly and gave you a apologetic smile. “It’s just business, that’s all. You know Tom is far from being suspicious”.

You knew that very well, and if you were being honest, that was not your concern. That didn’t make you less jealous, though. Tom was the most faithful man you knew, not only with you, but with his mates. He could do anything for you and he surely had already proved that you’re the only woman in his life.

Anyways, the thought of that powerful woman inside the fucking room was driving you mad.

“I wanna go inside”, you stated, already turning on your heels. Harrison was quick to grab your wrist, trying to stop you from entering the room.

“Y/n, what the fuck, he doesn’t want to-“

But you were too fast. Yanking the door open, you hear a slight gasp coming from Harrison and the entire room goes silent.

The first thing you notice is Tom, who were crudely interrupted by you. He looked tense with the conversation, eyes heavy, shoulders rigid. His elbow was supported by the large desk in front of his chair, while he seemed to gesticulate with his hand whilst talking to the woman, Melissa. His gaze was directed on you, a questioning look on his features, which didn’t softened like it always did when he talked to you.

“Sorry, I told her-“ Harrison was quick to say, but Tom interrupted him.

“What took you so long?” Ignoring your presence, without changing a single word with you, Tom averted his eyes to Harrison, who came out behind you and sat back at his chair.

“She wanted to come” he answered quietly, unsure of what to say.

Tom looked at you once more, face serious, as he seemed to calculate what say next.

“Why don’t you go wait in the living room, y/n?”

You open your mouth, just to close it again immediately. You didn’t recognize the way Tom was talking to you, almost harshly.

"What, Thomas? You don't enjoy a good woman's company? C'mon, let the girl sit with us" Melissa, who you just had the worry to look at said, putting her long polished nails over her chin. She eyed you up and down before speaking again. "What a beautiful girl you have, by the way. You didn't tell me she was all of that".

Tom closed his eyes briefly, jaw clenching, as he sighed heavily in frustration. You knew he was getting mad, and though you still didn't know why, you made up your mind.

"I'm fine, gonna wait in the room. Sorry for-"

"It's alright", he shook his head and looked back to Melissa. "It was good talking to you, but I need time to figure it out before we decide anything", Tom stood up from his chair and waited until the woman did the same. "I'm going to have a talk with my men and then I call you back".

Melissa smiled, but you could see very clearly that it was nothing but a false smile. "I'll keep in touch".

Tom just nodded once and waited for Melissa to walk out of the room, guided by Harrison, who was equally tense as he made his way to the door. Before she exited the room, Melissa had an eye on you again, a tiny smile making its presence on her face.

You shivered, too aware of the dangerous and power Harrison told you she held, clear in the way she wasn't afraid to show she was staring at you.

When the doors were closed, you couldn't lift your gaze from the floor. However, it was possible to see Tom by the corner of your eyes and the way he was supporting both of his hands on the desk, staring so intently at you that you bet he could see your goosebumps.

"Now that you have my attention", he started, voice deep. "Won't you say what was so important that you couldn't wait 'til I was over?"

You didn't say anything, neither looked at him, frozen on your spot.

"I'm talking to you".

His stern act had you conflicted. He would always use it in bed with you, but never got so mad at something that you did. Something that you didn't even know what was all about.

"You were taking too long, so I wanted to see if everything was alright", you answered, keeping your voice loud and clear enough, not wanting to give him the impression that you were intimidated by his words.

Tom snorted. "That's bullshit. I've already been out until later than this and you stayed in our room".

You roll your eyes, voice cheating you as the irritation consumes your thoughts. "Well, in these nights you weren't with a girl inside here".

Tom's face changed and a brow arched as a trace of a smirk made its way to his face. You had lost your though posture and you knew it.

"Are you jealous?" He chuckles, incredulous, "Really?"

You snort, unfolding your arms. Looking relaxed is the last thing you seem to be able to do right now, but also you didn't want to sound so immature being jealous over nothing.

"No, I am not. I'm just mad that... that you didn't tell me who you were meeting with." You corrected him, though you were too aware it was pretty much a lie. With an unwanted whine, you continue "And why you didn't let me in this time? You see, you just left a whole amount of suspicious things to my imagination."

Tom narrows his eyes, a mix of curiosity and confusion evident on his face.

"You don't actually believe it yourself, do you?" He questioned, a suspicious tone in his voice. A bit ashamed, you glanced down and nodded two times.

"I mean, Harrison just told me she's the biggest woman in London, or some shit like that" you shrugged involuntarily and felt tired, as you started to realise how silly you must be sounding.

It was pretty obvious to you that none of that should matter. Actually, it never did. Tom never turned his head to another woman but you, since you met. He never talked about any other girl than you, and you could tell he bragged about how much of a "lucky motherfucker" he was, as Harrison started complaining about Tom's random rambling just the other day.

Tom had done nothing but adored you since the first time he called you darling. And now you were overreacting because of a common meeting of his.

Tom sighed heavily and offered you his hand. Looking at it for one second, you reach for him, and he brings you closer. "That's probably my fault".

You tilt your head, not understanding his point. Tom sits down back on his chair e mention for you to take a seat on his thigh.

"Don't get me wrong, darling. I let you come to meetings only if I'm one hundred percent sure there's no harm on that. When I'm with friends, not my enemies" he caress two slender fingers through your cheek and you almost close your eyes in please, if it wasn't for his deep stare, full of concern and comprehension. "That woman is nothing but trouble for me and my men. She doesn't like us, I don't like her, but, apparently, one of my man messed up with one of her best one, so I was trying to settle everything down before one of us start a fucking fight about it. Obviously, she hates me and every single one of my mates, and that's why I didn't want you here today. My most important job is to keep you safe, y/n. I've already dragged you too far into this mess, I can't expose you even more."

By the look in his eyes, anyone could tell how Tom meant it. He worried about you and your protection had become a topic of discussions too much for your liking.

He shifts his position, making it more comfortable for you, hand resting in your cheek. His expression earned an even more stern look, almost in pain as he looked deeper in your eyes.

"Do you really think that you should worry about Melissa?" He asks, voice low and soft.

You didn't answer right away. Instead, you tugged at his white plain shirt's collar, breathing slowly as you tried to manifest more of your composure than before.

"A little" you confess, shrugging slightly as if it wasn't that big of a deal. But for Tom, it surely was.

"Darling... why would you be jealous over that woman?" The pad of his index finger touched in the slightest move your bottom lip, tracing delicate paths over it. "Why would you ever be jealous over any woman? You know I love you". He looked up once again, a brow arching as he seemed to doubt his own conviction. "Don't you know?"

You shake your head yes and bite your lip. "Of course I do".

"Then why did you have something in your imagination?"

You sigh quietly. "Yeah, it was silly", taking his free hand and in yours, you play with his fingers, trying to hide your embarrassment. "I'm sorry-"

"It's alright, love", he gives you a small yet sweet smile. "You see, I get jealous all the time. Much more than you do. Think it's fair enough".

You giggle. "Yes, you do. I hate that and did the same. Sorry".

Tom shakes his head and brings his face closer to yours, planting a soft kiss in the corner of your mouth. "What a silly little girl you are. How would you ever think I'd ever have eyes for another girl, when I've got the prettiest with me?"

You release a breathe, your grip at Tom's shirt stronger, pulling him closer. "You'd be really dumb if you did, yeah."

Tom smiles in your mouth and you do as well. "Guess I haven't been showing my girl how much I appreciate her properly lately" he whispers, heading his lips along your jaw, to chase a soft spot on your neck. "Tell me, love, would you like to feel it?" His low and seductive words sent a shiver right through your spine, making you release a quiet moan in anticipation.

"Do you want to feel how much I adore you?" He breaths in your neck, smelling your sweet scent, as carefully grabs your thighs to get you to straddle his lap. "How much I adore your pretty little moans and whines? Those wonderful sounds you make just for me?"

You nod yes, adjusting your position on Tom's lap, rubbing against his crotch on accident and feeling he grunt with the contact.

"Use your words, my love. Need to hear you". He insists, running both his hands to your ass, grabbing each cheek firmly. When you whine a timid 'yes', he smirks against your smooth skin. "Always so eager for me", with precise movements, he guides your hips to meet his, creating a perfect friction between both of you. You could feel his hard against your pulsing center, claiming for more.

Tom lets out a struggled sigh, as if he was holding himself back when feeling your center pressing against him. "See? Only you can make me this hard".

You gulp, trying to catch your breath as your hands make its way to his trousers, but Tom is quick to deny it and stop you. "No, pretty girl. As much as I'm aching to feel you right now, I need to prove you something" he smirks playfully. His right hand releases your bum and goes to your front, making a smooth path in his way to your breast. He put your hard nipples between two fingers, pulling it softly. You moan and move your hips over his lap. Tom's jaw tenses up. "Fuck, darling". He presses his hand firmly on your hip to settle you down, as you smile apologetic.

"Need you, Tom". You whine, arching your back so you were even closer to him.

"Yeah?" He smirks, hand going back to work, sliding inside your pyjamas' short. Tom's brows arch in surprise. "No panties?"

You bite your lip. "When I came down here, I was thinking that maybe we could do something. After you were done".

He chuckled a bit, his cocky smile showing off. "So you were planning on getting fucked in my office?" You only nod once, feeling your center pulse and your cheek heat up. "You dirty, dirty girl".

Tom reaches your pulsing core, a single digit sliding through your wet folds. "God, baby, you're so wet". You moan, letting your weight loose on top of Tom, whose strong arms could handle it. "I barely touched you".

"Stop teasing me, Tom" you claim, eyes closed, as you feel he was threatening to enter two fingers inside you, but collecting them all together again.

"Darling, I think you shouldn't have a word about anything today" he says calmly. "After all, you interrupted my meeting, messed my work up. All because you couldn't wait to get fucked. Do you think you were good, y/n?"

You swallow hard, voice trembling. "N-no".

Tom smiles satisfied. "Yes. Now, though you don't deserve any of that, I'm a man of my word, and I said I was going to show you what my girl is worth of". He gesticulates briefly and you have to take a few seconds to understand he wants you to get up.

You do so, waiting until he gets up too. Confused, you stare at him, who cups your face, kissing the tip of your nose.

"I want you to sit in my chair". He murmurs and you can't help the surprise in your face.

"Why's that?" You frown and he only gestures his head to the chair again. With no other choice, you find yourself doing as you were told.

It was a strange feeling, the soft material of his chair against the bare skin of your exposed leg, where your thin shorts couldn't reach. Strange, because nobody would ever sit on Tom's chair. It wasn't exactly a rule, but everyone did better than risking taking what was his, and that being the biggest and most imposing chair in the conference room, only he could sit there. And maybe that's what entertained him that moment, the sight of you in a place that held so much power as that chair.

It took a good few seconds for you to relax there, and Tom didn't take his eyes from you the whole time. Staring, he would lick his lips, arms crossed over his chest, making his muscular arms very visible for you.

"You know, you could do this. I can picture you sitting here, making demands", he says, as if he was deep in thoughts moments ago, approaching you with hungry eyes. He puts his hands over the chairs' arm rest and lean in you, smiling.

You feel your heart race and try to correct your breathing. "Really?" You arch a brow incredulously. "Don't think I could be so tough".

"You learn this with time, darling", he reassures you, "But I think we'd have to manage who'd be in charge from time to time. I can share it with you, but not give it all. Would you like that?" You knew that by this time he wasn't talking about the mob.

With a charming smile, Tom gets down on both knees and puts his hands in yours. "Yeah, I think", you say in a whisper, too concentrated in his actions to say otherwise or anything else.

"Mmm. You're such a delicate angel", he opens your legs slowly, grabbing the back of your knee to pull you in to him. You gasp in surprise, holding the arm rest to keep yourself steady. "I imagine how you'd look like taking control. Perfect, I know".

It was a sight to see, a powerful man like Tom on his knees, a position you never thought you'd see him at. He looked like he was at your mercy, under your control, just as if he was there to please you, though he still did take the command.

"Tom, please", you whine, not giving a care about sounding desperate anymore.

"Patient, my love. Wanna take my sweet time with you", he pats your leg so you can lift your hips to help him take off your shorts. "Cause that's what I appreciate doing with you. Take every single part of you, make you mine. Slowly". He brings you closer and you pant when he kisses the inner of your thigh, eyes never leaving yours. "Take care of my girl, as she deserves".

You feel yourself growing anxious as you tried to stay still when he brought his lips up to your core. "You smell so good, love. Can't wait to taste it". His lips make no hurry to reach your folds, hot breath hitting your aching center. He looks up at you, wicked smile, as his mouth hover you, teasing.

By this time, you’re already dripping, walls clenching around nothing for the expectation. Finally, you felt Tom's lips connecting with your pussy lips, skillful tongue smoothly licking your arousal, spreading it all over your core.

He put his tongue inside of you, tasting it, adoring the way you'd roll your eyes back with pleasure. "Sweet as fucking candy". He murmurs with his mouth against you, causing vibrations all over your cunt.

You moan when he flicks his tongue over your bud, and tug at his hair. The reaction comes right away and Tom moans against you, putting one of his fingers inside you, but not deep enough, waiting for you to adjust as your walls stretched deliciously. "Can feel you swallowing my finger, baby. You want me?”

"Tom", you whine, arching your back as Tom pushes his fingers deeper inside you. "Please. Gimme more".

"You want more, sweet girl?" Tom smirks, entering you as much as he could, adding a second finger to your pulsing core. You felt the cold of his silver ring against your hot skin, causing you to have goosebumps. Feeling you clench around him, Tom started fingering you, hands precisely moving to stuff you in the most raving way. He took his pace, fast enough to the sound of your wetness fill up the room.

He laps your bud once again, repeatedly, catching it between his lips once in a while and sucking, making you release a loud moan.

You tugged harder in his curls and that's when he realized you were close. "My beautiful girl is close? Can feel you clenching, baby."

You nod once, trying to catch your breath as your hips rock against his fingers. Tom took them out and you almost pulled his hair for that, but he soon replaced it with his firm tongue. "C'mon, darling, fuck yourself on my tongue".

You did so, not caring about your messed movements or your loud noises. Tom was right there, holding you hip down with one hand to keep you steady and stimulating your clit with his thumb with another. It was the most beautiful sight you could have and you were on the verge of your edge.

"You're- fuck, so fucking hot, Tom" you cry out, head falling back. "Shit! 'M close"

Tom started to fuck his tongue inside you again. Your toes curl, your belly burns and your heart couldn't beat faster. Tom grabbed the back of your legs and abruptly brought you closer to his face, keeping his tongue firm and thumb working on your bud. He replaced it with his two wet fingers for a moment, just to speak to you and coax your orgasm. “Look at you, baby, so, so beautiful when you’re coming. Fuck, wish they all could see what a pretty and dirty girl I’ve got right here, angel”.

You moan and Tom can tell you’re about to lose it, putting his tongue back to work. "That's it, love, cum on my tongue, make a sweet mess on my face".

You couldn't hold back anymore. Your whole body felt like sparkles, as you tightened your grip on Tom's hair, chest panting, muscles rigid, voice coming out as the loudest moan of your night. It’s all about you now, what you feel. Tom is right there, holding you, controlling your body squirming with his strong hands.

Tom helps you ride out your orgasm, tongue and fingers never leaving you. His noise bumped into your clit as he seemed to enjoy licking your juices, face still lost between your legs. But when you finally saw him again, you thought you could have another orgasm just from the look on his face.

"Fuck", you pant, still trying to catch your breath. "You're- you're all covered-"

Before you could even finish, Tom got up from his knees and took your face in between his hands, capturing your lips on his. The kiss was messy, clashing tongues and teeth, but it was all pleasure. You could taste yourself, take what Tom had left on his lips. It was sweet - a mix of both of you.

"You're a fucking mess right now" you tell him, a slight giggle coming out of your dry throat, wiping some of the wetness from his chin.

"I know", he smiles back at you, pecking your lips once more. He catches the fingers you used to clean his face and leads it to him mouth, sucking on them gently. "Proudly. Who else in this fucking world can have the pleasure of being a mess with your cum, eh?"

You shove his shoulders playfully and spin the chair. "Well, I think I could truly run things here. Feel very powerful now".

Tom puts his hand on the back of the chair to stop it from moving. "That's because you had me between your legs just a few seconds ago, love", he smirks "But I think we can manage that".

You get up from the chair and put your hands on the collar of his shirt, gripping it between your fingers. "Good", you look up at him, smiling devilishly. "First thing, though, I remember you were here to prove me something".

"Oh, darling" he chuckled darkly. "We surely are not finished yet".

[unprofessional-bard]

Chapter 12 - The Development, Pt. II

Unprofessional Bard's Masterlist

Losing My Religion Series Masterlist

Previous Chapter • Next Chapter

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female!Reader/OC

Warnings: TW!!! Mentions of depression/anxiety, lack of appetite and suicide; jealousy (the reader is Angry™️); talks of (unwanted) pregnancy and miscarriage (cult activities).

Summary: Who would've thought a dinner and a bouquet of flowers would ever bare bad omens?

Word Count: 5.588

Author's Note: I apologise for the repost! I forgot to do my taglist + the tags didn't work for me so let me try this again. This is a whole chunk of angst and nothing more. I'm sorry about this but it is going to get darker :')

Enjoy!

gif credit: winterswake

"Oof, this wasn't your greatest idea, you know that right?" You sighed anxiously, hands on your hips.

"I've done many things that weren't so great, sweetpea," Joel wiped his wet hands on the cute little apron around his waist after he put the vegetables he had cut into the bowl which was on the counter next to the cutting board: "We both know it, but this totally ain't one of 'em."

He carried another bowl to the dining room where you stood, gave your exposed neck a brief kiss as he passed by. Kiki and Ward were going to arrive anytime now for Joel's infamous dinner plan. When he put the bowl down, he scanned the table with a puzzled expression: "Why are there two more plates?"

You leaned your weight on one leg as you grabbed the edges of the chair, which stood at the head of the table: "I... invited Tommy and Maria over, too–"

Joel's expression made you feel guilty: "(Y/N)."

"What?" You spoke defensively, a nervous expression on your face and tone to your voice. "It was going to be awkward as shit otherwise."

"You don't know that," He growled. "Not when you pull stunts like this."

"I don't care," You emphasised each word, exhaustion present in your stance. "Better safe than sorry, Joel."

He nodded disapprovingly and walked back to the kitchen as you stood there, your head hanging with a sigh. You slowly raised it up, hands on your hips again, then turned your head to the side just enough for him to hear you over the sound of the steamer: "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not," He said when he walked past you, carrying the last piece of dish to the table. His anger wasn't for nothing, you accepted what you did was an ass move.

"You're right." You huffed, which made him look at you. "I'm not sorry for inviting Tommy and Maria over, but I am sorry for upsetting you."

His tense stance eased slowly at your words, then he proceeded to mirror your chair holding pose, huffing quietly: "Well, one of us is gon' have to eat less, I'm more worried about that."

"I'll gladly volunteer, I lost my appetite." You rubbed your eyes, which sported dark circles underneath them– which worried Joel.

He stepped closer to you, reaching for your hip with his dominant hand and began rubbing soothing circles there: "No. You eat. Don't think for a second I didn't notice how you started eatin' less." This whole ordeal was getting to you more than you cared to admit. It had been eight days since your decision to arrange dinner with them, but it clearly didn't escape Joel's notice. You looked down, ashamed, running a hand through your hair nervously: "Hey, look at me," Joel gently took your chin between his fingers and lifted your head up, his nose inches away from yours. The three knocks on your door didn't stop him from saying: "You're worryin' over nothin', sweetheart. It's gonna be alright."

"We'll see," You looked into his eyes with a blank stare, gulping, giving his hand a light squeeze before walking to the door, collecting yourself in the meantime. From the small windows on the door, it wasn't hard to tell the brunette couple had arrived. You took a deep breath as you opened the door with a sincere smile: "Hello there– Come in, welcome."

"Hi!" Kiki grinned and Ward just offered an awkward resemblance of a smile.

After escorting them to the living room, you spoke: "Joel's getting finished in the kitchen, then we can have dinner."

"Joel's cooking?" Kiki gave you an alien look. It wasn't a my goodness what a man I bet he cooks real fine tone, but more a genuinely confused one.

"Uhm, yes?" You lightly flinched but smiled still, equally confused at her question. Giving a brief look at Ward, you noticed how he was staring hard at her and she was pointedly ignoring him. "Don't worry, he actually cooks better than me... haha."

You stared into each other's eyes for five seconds, both of your irises reflecting a pair of question marks at each other, then she let out an odd laugh: "Oh! If you say so... What a beautiful garden you got– Lots of flowers."

"Why, thank you," You smiled a little nervously. "I like taking care of flowers and plants..."

"Oh really? I do– did too, once upon a time..." Kiki did an exaggerated smiley face. "I should bring you some, then!"

"That's very kind of you," You felt yourself soften a little at her words. "Well, how have you both been? Feeling like you two are fitting in? I hope people aren't giving you trouble."

"Oh," Kiki looked at Ward for the first time, who's gaze was focused on you now. "No, I think we started to fit in better–" Ward nodded in agreement, his head turning in her direction: "Gets better every day."

"That's good news," You quietly huffed out a breath of relief, nodding at her words, which was when Joel walked in to greet them, and also when there was another pair of knocks on the door. This time, thank God, it was Tommy and Maria.

The dinner went without a hitch, to say the least. Although it had it's awkward moments, Tommy and Maria always picked it up one way or another. Delicious meals were eaten and wines from your collection with Joel were opened– it was pleasant to a certain degree. You and Joel sat across each other on the other ends of the table, Maria and Tommy sat to your left while Kiki and Ward sat to your right. Kiki was seated by your side, but she mostly had her attention on your husband. She didn't drink, but Ward did, and after his second glass, he seemed to relax more.

When it was time to carry all the plates back to where they came from, Joel and you carried the first party. When you placed them in the sink, and he on the counter, he softly grabbed your hand: "See? Wasn't that bad, was it?"

It sort of was, for you anyway, as much as you tried to calm your nerves with the wine: "Thanks to Tommy and Maria, yeah." Joel sighed through his nose and looked away for a moment: "What?"

"We'll talk about it in the morning." Joel let your hand go, but didn't move away.

"What is there to talk about?" You spoke, frustrated, your arms opening slightly in a gesture. Right then, your eyes moved over his shoulder to the doorway. He turned around to see it was Maria with two of the rect platters in her hands.

"Joel, why don't you go back? (Y/N) and I'll handle it from here." She spoke as she walked over to where you two were, then placed the platters on the counter. He gave you one last look before nodding and walking back inside. As soon as he left, Maria stood very close to you and turned on the water: "You wanna tell me what's going on with you?"

"Not really," You quickly started to wash the plates and she helped with the leftovers.

"(Y/N)," Maria spoke more seriously. "There's obviously something wrong–"

"I didn't say there wasn't, I just don't wanna talk about it right now." You said, turning your head to her a little but not looking her in the eyes. "Please, Maria, I appreciate you and your concern, but–"

"Mind if I help?" Kiki suddenly appeared with more service in her hands, startling you both.

"Not at all," Maria replied in your stead. "I'll leave you two to it, I need to use the bathroom."

You closed your eyes, exhausted, then begged for patience as Kiki replaced Maria's place next to you. She kept a distance, which you also appreciated. After a brief moment of silence, she spoke: "The food was delicious, I'm surprised Joel helped you prepare all of this."

You tried– God knows your tried not to look for a double meaning behind her words, but you failed: "Well, as I said, he cooks better than me."

"No, I mean, he just really helps you around, y'know? Serving, preparing, cleaning..."

You turned to face her, closing the sink, and took a proper look at her: "What's so weird about it? We're partners– Married– There's no helping out, we do it together, as it should be."

"Oh, don't get me wrong," She said after a while, her smile unsettling. "It's just that, I always do the cooking, and preparing, and cleaning. That's what I was taught, while Ward..."

You bit down on your tongue hard as you finally understood what she was getting at, the realisation making you blink once and long, then look away. A silent oh left your lips while you thought about how to respond, forcing a small smile to your lips: "Well... Uh– Why don't you go back, I'll take it from here."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I got this, you're our guest, after all."

She smiled and nodded, heading back. As soon as she turned around you let out a silent, heavy breath, looking a little bewildered and disturbed at the things she had said. You stood still for a few moments, then ultimately decided to wash your face, so you took it up to the bathroom.

When you woke up the next morning, you had a mild headache from the wine, no doubt. Joel was nowhere to be found, which had you worried for a second, then you realised it was near noon. After washing your face, you dragged yourself downstairs and once you made it to the kitchen, you found Tommy, Eugene and Joel sitting quietly at the table.

"Mornin' princess," Eugene grinned at you, a cup in his hand. Joel and Tommy had more serious, even a little worried looks on their faces.

"Hey," You waved at them and dragged your feet to the cupboard where you kept your coffee, only to find you had ran out of the beans.

"How're you feelin'?"

"I'm fine... What kinda question is that?" You chuckled.

The brothers shared a brief look before Tommy slowly got up, walked towards the island counter and leaned against it with his elbows: "Listen, (Y/N), we're all a bit worried about you."

"I'm not!" Eugene said clearly. "I mean, I am, but not in the way they are– What's going on with you and the newcomers?"

You stared at the brothers, hard, then turned to Joel: "Is this the new town gossip, then?"

He huffed, crossed his arms across his chest and leaned back in his seat: "It ain't nothin'. We were talking about last night," He gestured between himself and Tommy. "Eugene overheard, expressed his own worries 'bout them and wanted to talk to you."

You felt so exposed –out in the open– with the spotlight moving onto you once more. Your eyebrows furrowed as Joel held your gaze for a while, the other men too scared to interfere; until Eugene spoke: "Look, (Y/N), I get what worries you, even if these two bimbos will say there's nothing wrong. I'm here to vouch for ya."

"Thanks," You shrugged and nodded. You felt embarrassed at the three pairs of eyes waiting for a response from you– speaking to Eugene alone about what actually worried you would've made you feel much better, but you just told them about the interactions between you and Kiki. The more you spoke, the more frustrated you got, which ironically made you close up more.

"Which reminds me," He said some time after you mentioned her offer to bring you a flower. "Do you have, uh, mugwort in your garden?"

The abrupt change of topic caught you off guard, but you still said yes, I think so and walked out from the back door, the old man tailing you. The sun immediately burned down on your skin, but a gentle breeze lightened the load on your shoulders as it accompanied you to the edge of the garden.

"Look, I don't actually need mugwort," He said when you sat down on your knees. "If you wanna say something to me that you think they won't understand, now's your chance."

You moved on with your digging quietly while he waited, then finally, without looking at him and venom dripping from every word you spoke, you sighed: "Kiki has eyes for Joel."

Eugene coughed loudly at your cold words, a hand on his chest: "Shit, (Y/N)..."

"Everyone, including Joel, seems oblivious to this– I'll probably get accused of petty jealousy if I tell them, but since you've had your fair share of weird run-ins with her, I think you should know."

He remained quiet for awhile as you worked with the plant, then finally huffed: "That's not a jealous face from what I can see, it's the face of a woman who's sensing something's gonna go wrong."

You finally looked up at him, your cold expression turned soft because of his sympathy, then looked back down: "I'm losing sleep over some stupid– bitch– God, I was... I've been trying to convince myself that it's nothing, but–"

"It's not nothing, (Y/N)." Eugene spoke firmly, grabbing your shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Something's clearly not right with those two, and you've a right to get worried, 'cause I'm guessing it's not just Joel you're worried about."

You gulped, wiped some sweat off the corner of your brow with your wrist, then nodded.

"Well," He took the plants from your hands. "Thanks for this, and, just know that you're not alone. If you ever wanna talk more about this, you know where to find me. Don't be a stranger."

You did pay Eugene a visit a few days later to talk more about them. You felt more comfortable talking to him alone, and you were talking to him because you didn't want to add more to Joel's tension and strain your relationship again. It also felt good to just talk about the whole thing and have someone who understood you.

You had told him that you had no doubts about Joel's intentions, but about Kiki's and hers alone. He had told you he understood and told you that his door was always open if you needed to talk again, so you went to him a second time in a cool afternoon after Kiki had appeared out of nowhere.

"Flowers! As promised!" She smiled brightly, giving you a tiny bouquet of mixed, yellow flowers.

"Oh, wow," You carefully took the bouquet from her, smiling at the sight and feeling genuinely happy for a moment that she actually did something like this. "Thank you, Kiki."

"Don't mention it," She smiled sincerely and initiated smalltalk, then went about her business. After you closed the door, however, reality came crashing down.

You went to see Eugene then: He had just returned from patrol, so the moment you saw him, you grabbed him and went back to your house. A very old book you owned, The Meanings of Flowers, laid on the dinner table while you sat at the head of the table again, the older man to your right. Beautiful flowers rested above the book, a pair of each: Carnation, hyacinth, marigold, rose and tansy. You already knew the names of the most thanks to your free time activities, so finding them in the book wasn't particularly hard.

"Damn, (Y/N), you're really gettin' into this, aren't you?" Eugene said when you first explained and laid the flowers in front of him as he sat down.

You read through the pages and sat across him. "I think... I have, uh– What if she's asking for help?"

"How do you mean?" He gave you a look, and when you stared at him a while, he slowly got what you were saying. "You... think that too?"

"It's so obvious," You sighed, a sad expression on your face. "It's the only logical explanation for the way she responds to physical touch. There's more to it than what Ward told me about their past."

"You're right," He huffed, troubled. "Alright, let's see what carnation means."

"Each colour represents something different, but yellow..." What you read made you tense up.

"What?"

"Disdain."

You gave each other a look, then you continued to other flowers: "Hyacinth– Yellow hyacinth is... jealousy."

"Do these even grow in Wyoming?" Eugene was as disturbed as you were. You just shrugged, but you were thinking more about how she came to find these in the first place.

"Marigold– Jealousy, despair... Rose, yellow– Jealousy and..." You gasped shortly, eyes widening at the word.

"What, what is it?" Eugene turned the book to himself a little and his eyes widened slightly as well.

Infidelity.

"Maybe... Maybe tansy means something else?" Eugene flipped the pages as you burned a hole through the table, stunned where you sat. "Hostile thoughts, declaring war... Shit."

He stared at you as you slowly raised your head up and gave him a nasty look, whispering angrily: "Who... Who does she think she is?"

"(Y/N), I– I don't," Eugene knew, like yourself, that this could've been just pure coincidence, but all of the flowers representing almost exactly the same things inevitably had him worried and at a loss for words.

"That little bitch–" Your fists flexed into a fist, your brows drawing together, creating deep lines on your forehead.

"Don't freak out," Eugene grabbed your elbow in a calming gesture.

"She wants him–? She wants a war? I'll give her something worse, she'll regret ever setting foot in–"

"What's going on?" In between your heartbeat ringing in your ear and loud, angry words, you didn't hear Joel come in. Your head snapped towards him, eyes wide open and angry, then turned your head away towards Eugene.

"I think it's best if you sit down." The older man said uncomfortably.

He obliged, never looking away from you as he did. He was clearly worried, careful, but also cross; it wasn't hard to tell, and you had hoped he wouldn't see what you were up to, but alas...

"You know who brought me these?" You asked, focused at something outside the window.

"I have an idea." His eyes were burning through the side of your face, the tension crushing everyone in the room.

You chuckled bitterly. "You must think I'm crazy."

"I think no such thing," He growled, offended by your accusation. "You don't sleep well, you don't eat– Your worryin's making me worry!"

"The thing is, Joel," Eugene intervened. "She has a right to worry."

He finally looked at him with an exhausted expression: "What?"

"Each of these flowers have meanings in this book right here," He tapped the book. "And they're not good meanings at all."

"See? This is what worries me," He leaned back, crossing his arms. "You're gonna check everything she does or gives?"

"So you want me to stay oblivious to– to things, while Ward is probably physically absuing his wife?" You snapped, your head turning in Joel's direction to meet his quizzical expression. You got up from your chair, leaning in with your hands on the table: "If she was meaning to send a message to us with these flowers, asking for help, and we ignored it? That'd be on me."

"How could it possibly be on you?" He replied angrily. "How would she know that you'd– decipher this message?"

"I told you that I told her about–"

"Enough!" Eugene growled. "She sent her a message, despite what could be happening in their household." You sighed heavily and turned your head to the side, Joel glancing at Eugene as he continued: "All these flowers have one thing in common, Joel, and it's that they've bad meanings. This one?" He held up the marigold: "Jealousy. This one?" The hyacinth: "Also jealousy. And this?" The rose: "Jealousy... as well as infidelity."

Joel leaned back, an irked look on his face: "Wh– What?"

"Tansy– Hostile thoughts." He coughed into his fist as he put the flower down.

"So don't sit there–" You looked at him again, leaning in with your head: "And tell me that I'm worrying over nothing. Just because you have no clue about what's going on around you, doesn't mean it's not happening." You gulped, the barbed wire around your throat present once more, then picked up the book and closed it: "Thanks, Eugene."

He just nodded with a concerned look on his face and watched you walk upstairs. Joel, stunned in place, didn't say a word as the older man got up, tipped his head at him and left. He sat there for some time, by himself and stared at the beautiful flowers. He hadn't seen you like this since the Axel case– sure, you both had ups and downs but it had never gotten this bad since then. To prevent another fall out, he knew this time he had to be a little more alert for both of your sakes, if your accusations were indeed true.

But you both needed to co-operate if something was going to be done about this.

It was close to a week later when Ward opened up again.

Joel and you were a bit tense, even after when he suggested the next day after the flower incident that you both went to Maria to change your patrol schedules. She had said Joel only had one more patrol left with Kiki, while you still had three to go with Ward, which was okay for you especially after you found out that Joel's last patrol with Kiki was a group sweep which involved you too.

Joel was more than relieved too, thinking maybe change of patrol partners will finally ease the tension between you and him, but it seemed you'd remain upset until that last patrol was over with, which was the day after your current patrol with Ward.

You were taking a different route this time, on horseback and it was in the afternoon, a chill breeze was present which took the burning feel of the slowly setting sun off your shoulders. The trees were offering shield from the sun with their shadows, too.

"I overheard people talking about you and Joel."

"Really?" You rolled your eyes. "What were they saying?"

"Something about... having a child."

You turned your head and gave him a stern look, but it wasn't directed at him, then you sighed, the grip you had on your reigns tightening: "It's none of their business."

"Exactly what I told them."

"What?" You turned to face him again, the whip of your head smoother than before, and your voice was softer– surprised.

"I told them to stop talking about something which wasn't their business," Ward casually explained. "They then told me that I had no business listening to them, so I threatened to break their jaw if they didn't shut up."

"Ward..." You gave him a look of disapproval.

"Kidding," He offered a small smile. "Leave out the threatening bit, but it did cause a little argument. Maria was there though... organising this event that's coming up. She defended you, too."

You hadn't taken him to be the type to stand up for people he didn't exactly know: "Ward I–"

"Sorry though, don't know who they were–"

"Thank you."

He blinked, equally surprised at the smallest smile on your lips: "Oh, well..."

"Not many people would do that, I appreciate it," Your grip loosened and you allowed yourself to relax a little. "People tend to get ahead of themselves sometimes."

"Inconsiderate, that's what they are." He growled, but his face was thoughtful and troubled exactly like when he told you of his background. "It just– Gets on my nerves. This whole... baby talk."

"You and mine both," You huffed. "It's just funny how people who have almost no connections to me and Joel talk about it, when him and I haven't even put it out on the table yet." It was true. Neither of you had even said the word out of its nickname context.

"I just hope they won't force you to have one."

You turned your head to him with slightly wide eyes: "How do you mean?"

He remained quiet for a while, probably debating on whether he should share what he meant or not – if he should listen to his needs and get it off his chest, or add more to the bottle when there was no space left in it. He finally spoke: "Kiki had to lie, so that they wouldn't separate or punish us. I was too... paralysed to speak when she said We want to have children out of nowhere. Said that it was the only reason why we decided to date and get married. We had been together for just five months."

A sick lie to get out of an equally sick situation, which normally would've made you feel sick, but in this fucked up world and having done the equally fucked up shit you did, you couldn't bring yourself to feel nauseous; however, it did make a shiver run down your spine, the situation reminding you of the Seraphites in Seattle when an escapee had arrived in Boston, months after the fall of that QZ. She had told horrifying stories about how her and five other people had barely made it past them: They had witnessed 'religious sacrifice's, and the manslaughter from The WLF hadn't helped their case either... She had committed suicide a month after her arrival in Boston.

"By then we started to regret our decision more, because they were forcing us to– To have a child–"

"Hey, look, you don't have to tell me–"

"We lied–" He continued, feeling though as if he wasn't going to get another chance to open up again. "For a long time, it was maybe we're not lucky enough, or God's not willing. They... They went as far as to consider fucking exorcism, and it was all on Kiki, and her alone."

You thought for a moment he was going to cry, with the way his face scrunched up, but he kept going angrily: "I told them it could be biological, they told me she was cursed... I told them, maybe the problem was me, they insisted it was her... Until they finally needed proof that we were actually– You know–"

"God," You quietly gasped.

"I don't– We tried to break up, to end the madness, but they wouldn't listen. I had never touched Kiki other than kisses and hugs, while we were lying to them about– She was a virgin and so was I–"

He stopped for a brief moment when his horse whinnied, you were getting closer to the tall walls surrounding Jackson, then continued hesitantly: "She– finally got pregnant, after a whole year of deceiving them, but the stress of it got to her, I think. She... she miscarried." He gulped, closing his eyes tightly, an unpleasant look on his face. "You can imagine how it was received around the community– We had to run, you see, so we did."

You had reached the gates by then, it was Joel who was at the watchtower and waved at you as you waited for the doors to open. You waved back with a worried look on your face, which he must've spied through his binoculars. After bringing the horse into the stables and handing back your rifles, you stopped him. It was unusually quiet and empty around the southern gate, which was normally empty anyway: "Listen, I just wanna say–"

Before you knew it, a stuck gasp left him. His back was to you, so at first you thought he saw something, but as soon as you stepped to his side: "Ward," He was crying. "Oh– Hey, it's okay..."

He whimpered until he ran out of breath, covering his face with his hands. You didn't know how to react, internally panicking and carefully studying his body language, while feeling like a dick about it. You slowly and carefully put a hand on his back, and at the touch, he immediately collapsed by your feet. He was weeping now, and too close for comfort. You quickly looked around to see if anyone was there, only to find out not a single soul was in your line of sight, except for the slowly and suddenly approaching figure of your husband.

"Ward, get up," You lightly shook him by the shoulder to get his attention, but this only resulted in him leaning closer to your legs. You raised your head to see Joel had come to a stop a couple of feet away from where you stood: "Get. Up."

"You said– You said–" He struggled with trying not to cry and breathing at the same time.

"I said there is a group session if you needed to talk," You spoke, defeated, feeling Joel's burning gaze on your eyelids. "I'm sorry for what happened. I really am, but you need to get up."

He looked up at you to meet your stern, pitying gaze, then wiped at his tears. He nodded a couple of times and slowly got up, sniffling quietly. Without saying another word –even though he looked like he wanted to– and sparing you another look, he readjusted his backpack and walked away as if nothing happened. You stood there and watched him leave with your hands on your hips, then let out an exhausted sigh. You were just thankful that you weren't murdered for the most part, irked because of his sudden breakdown, but you also felt like shit scolding him as you did.

"You wanna tell me what the hell was that all about?" Joel. And he neither sounded pleased nor amused.

"You think I have an idea?" You gave him a hopeless look. "Man just– Suddenly told me the rest of his story and broke down, I don't–" Joel stood with his arms crossed, within your 6 feet radius, but there was nothing soft about it.

He was expecting an explanation, and an explanation he got: "That, Joel? That's what fucking scares me! I hear the shit they went through and I listen to it, waiting for the time he's going to get to the part where I did something to him or someone he cared for– waiting for the time they're going to shoot me or stab me– or you! And then they get like– like that, or do something nice to us, and suddenly I feel like an asshole because they're not bad people in the end, they just need some fucking help!"

You breathed heavily as your hands remained open at your sides after all the gestures and motions, your chest rising and falling very obviously as small sweat and tear droplets rolled down your face: "And they're seeking help in all the wrong places, from the most unsuitable people. I don't know about you, but I'm not mentally capable of taking their load while I have my own to deal with."

Joel took in a short amount of breath, as if to speak, but immediately closed his mouth. He stared into your eyes for what felt like 30 minutes, searching for something– you weren't quite sure what. He looked angry, upset, worried and heartbroken all in the same time.

Finally, when he couldn't speak, you added: "If anything happened to me, I could live with that." You spoke calmly, nodding curtly: "But if anything happens to you? I'll tear this whole goddamn town apart and make sure they can't find a place to hide from me."

Your fidgeting, unfocused eyes suddenly found Joel's hazel ones; you saw through all the anger, fretting and upset at that moment.

It was such an adoring, lovely gaze– Bit by bit, it drained you of all the hate and other ugly emotions pressing down your shoulders; a great sense of solace overcoming you as his big, warm hand cupped your jaw. He leaned in to steal the softest of kisses from your damaged lips– subconscious biting had seen to that, but Joel's softer ones made up for the loss on your side.

Before he could give you the chance to debate on whether you should hug him or not, he pulled back, his hand on your cheek still: "I won't let anything happen to you– To either of us. I promise you." You stared into each other's eyes for another moment, then he placed a most gentle kiss on your temple: "I made some dinner for you, go and eat for me."

You nodded, eyes lowering to the ground, then slowly walked away. Joel was quick to take notice of your broken stance– slumped shoulders, slowed steps and, ah, there goes the hand through your hair. He knew, then, that he had to put more effort into understanding how you viewed the couple and respecting your feelings. Sure, you were prone to worry and overthink, but so was he. Nothing, as far as he knew and had seen, had gotten to you like this before. Something ought to be wrong for you to beat yourself up over it as you did.

But despite everything –despite him still not seeing the way you saw the couple– you were, of course (and without question), his priority. He trusted you and your judgement, and it had always been so.

He just hoped it wasn't too late to show you that.

[whiskery-louis]

Body Image

Calum Hood x Reader

Warnings: Body image, body shaming, self esteem issues, angst

A/N: This is my first Cal writing. I've been reading a lot about him and I just love him so please enjoy BestFriend!Cal

Word Count: 2.2k

I sighed turning around to look at myself in the mirror once more, my mouth twisted to the side as I studied the third outfit I had tried on. I wanted to believe I looked as good in it as Katie had convinced me when we were at the mall. I wiped at the tear that threatened to fall down my face. I don’t know why I agreed to go out tonight anyways, I thought it would help me feel better after the break up but as I looked at myself in the mirror all the things he said to me were running through my head.

My body didn’t fall under society's standard notion of beauty. I was always a little bit heavier than most, my stomach being a bit rounder, my thighs a bit larger and my arms a bit jiggly. It was always something that I struggled with, but being told by someone that you love that they are breaking up with you because of your weight will really mess with you. I used to enjoy buying new clothes and getting dressed up, but now all I see are my flaws. I did what I could to keep my mind off my body image, but it's not easy with social media being a constant reminder. I spent most of my days in t-shirts and sweatpants praying the baggy clothes wouldn’t call unwanted attention to my stomach.

I sighed again as I pulled the shirt over my head and replaced it with a t-shirt. I didn’t feel up to going out anymore, being unable to like anything on my body really put a toll on my mental health.

I sent Katie a quick text to let her know I wanted to stay in. I knew she was worried about me, but she was the only one who knows why Dalton really broke up with me and didn’t have the heart to drag me out to a bar when she knew how much I was struggling. Katie tried to convince me to tell Calum but I couldn’t bear the thought of someone else pitying me. Everyone else though that Dalton and I broke up over commitment issues and I let them think that. It was less embarrassing than the truth. Katie tried to tell me that Dalton was the one who should be embarrassed for how he treated me at the end, but whenever she tried to bring it up I changed the subject. I wasn’t ready to admit that I believed everything he said about me.

I trudged down to the kitchen to find something to eat, I was really craving some comfort food but after being upset with how I looked in every outfit I opted to make a salad. I plopped down on the couch mindlessly scrolling through Netflix before settling on New Girl. My pity party was interrupted by two quick knocks on the door. I hoped they had the wrong apartment, but two more knocks quickly followed. I groaned as I stood up and trudged my way to the door. I looked through the peephole and saw Calum in the hallway holding a pizza.

“Go away, I’m not in the mood,” I called through the door.

“Come on Y/N open up! Katie told me you canceled again tonight. I”m not letting you spend another Friday night alone.”

I mentally cursed Katie, vowing to send her a strongly worded text later.

“I’m fine Cal really, just had a long week.”

“I’m not leaving Y/N, and if you don’t let me in I’ll just sit out here singing all night.”

I hit my head against the door knowing Cal wasn’t going anywhere. I unlocked the door and walked back to the couch knowing he would hear it and come in automatically. I picked up my salad, taking another bite but I lost my appetite at the smell of the pizza wafting from the kitchen.

“Where are all your plates? Nevermind I’m bringing the whole box in, I’m starving anyway.”

He set the pizza down on the coffee table and threw his body on the couch next to me, nearly crushing me under his weight.

“Cal...can’t...breathe,” I muttered. “Why are you crushing me?”

“Missed you, we’ve barely hung out since I got back from tour. You’ve been avoiding me.”

“Have not.” I pushed at his chest and managed to create enough space between the two of us that I was able to scoot back to the other side of the couch. Calum sat up and pouted at me, while I just rolled my eyes at him.

“Have so, ever since you broke up with Dalton you’ve shut me out. I’ve tried to give you space but I can’t standby anymore knowing that you're hurting and do nothing to help.”

“Cal I really am okay, I just needed time to process.” I glanced over to him to see that he was staring at me with a look of disbelief on his face.

“You know I can tell when you’re lying. If you’re as fine as you say you are then why haven’t you touched the pizza I brought. I got it plain with extra cheese and a large side of ranch. You’re favorite.”

I shrugged, “I’m not hungry,” I mumbled, not even believing my own lie. “I had a salad.”

“You mean the one sitting there that looks barely eaten,” he looked at me, his eyebrow raised, clearly seeing through my bullshit. “Katie told me that there is more to your breakup with Dalton than you’re leading on. Plus talk to me Y/N, I’m worried about you.”

I sighed and pulled the nearest blanket over my body, I felt nearly naked under Calum’s stare. He always had a way of knocking down my defences and convincing me to let him help. I didn’t want his help this time though, I was too scared to admit that Dalton was right about me, I had barely admitted it to myself, let alone tell Cal. We sat there in silence, him waiting for me to speak and me playing with the edge of the blanket praying he would drop it.

“Hey,” Cal reached out and placed his hand on my knee, “you can tell me anything you know that right?”

I don’t know if it was the look of concern in his eyes or the comfort from the circles he was rubbing on my knee but my walls were slowly breaking down like they always did around Calum.

“I lied to you about the breakup like Katie said, we didn’t break up because Dalton couldn’t commit. He’s the one who broke up with me.” Cal shot me a confused look, not knowing why I would lie to him about something like this, but he didn’t interrupt me. “He told me that I gained a few too many pounds the last few months and didn’t listen when he told me to eat better or get out more. He said he couldn’t be with someone who let herself go and that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.”

“What a fucking ass, I’m so sorry that he said that to you Y/N. I’m going to fucking kill him,” Cal spoke through his teeth, trying to quell the anger rising in him with every word I spoke. I could tell that it was taking everything in him to not run out of the house in search of Dalton to beat him for hurting me like this. And it was the last thing I wanted.

“Cal it’s fine,” I shrugged, pulling the blanket closer to me. “It’s not like he’s wrong anyways.” I whispered under my breath instantly regretting it when I realized Calum heard me. His head snapped to me, jaw slightly open in shock at what he just heard.

“Y/N you know that everything that prick said about you was wrong right? You have to know how beautiful you are.”

A scoff escaped my lips before I could stop it. “You have to say that Cal, you’re my best friend but please don’t lie to me. I don’t deserve your pity, it’s why I didn’t want to tell you. He just confirmed what I’ve always known deep down. I’m not worth it, I’m not beautiful and I just have to accept it and move on with my life.”

It was silent after I spoke. I could see the gears turning in Cal’s head as he processed what I just said. This was exactly why I had been avoiding him since the breakup, I knew once we talked about it I would admit that I believed everything Dalton said about me. It was the worst part of the breakup, knowing that my deepest insecurities came to light and were thrown in my face like that.

Cal moved slightly on the couch, moving his hand from my knee to take the blanket out of my hands. He pulled the blanket off me and tossed it on the floor. He wrapped his one hand around mine, moving the other to my chin so I was looking into his eyes as he spoke.

“Y/N please believe me when I say you are beautiful. Inside and out. I love everything about you and I’m not just saying this as your best friend. Dalton is a dick for saying those things about your body and they are so far from the truth. I know you’ve always struggled with your body image but believe me when I say that I love your body. I love the wrinkles around your eyes when you laugh, I love that you aren’t as skinny as those instagram models, it shows that you’re real and that you take care of your body by eating. I love that you can put a whole pizza away faster than me and the guys, it’s one of my favorite memories. I love your stretch marks, they are a unique map of only your body. I love how your body feels like it was made for me. I never want you to hate your body because it is an amazing thing. Fuck Y/N can’t you see that you are perfect to me, every last inch of you. Your eyes, your hand give the best massages, fuck even your boobs are fucking perfect-”

Calum’s eyes widened as he realized he got a little carried away with his speech praising my body. I’m sure my face mirrored his. I never knew Calum felt this way, never imagine this would be his reaction when I told him the truth about the breakup. I couldn’t help the small smile that was forming on my lips. There was a new tension in the air that wasn’t there before. It was a new feeling between Cal and I, but there was something so natural about it. Deciding to cross the line, I reached out for his free hand. His eyes narrowed at my touch, trying to decipher what I was going to do next. I looked him in the eyes as I slowly pulled his hand closer to me, placing it on my side just below my breast.

“What were you saying about my boobs being perfect?”

He eyed me tentatively, trying to gauge my response to what he just said. “Y/N what are you-”

I cut him off. “Calum thank you for saying all that. You don’t know how much that means to me. I realized Dalton was a dick but it was still hard to hear. But you-you always know just want to say to make me feel better. It’s something I still have to work on and I think having you by my side will help. I think we both knew this was going to happen one day Cal. It’s always been you and me, so why can’t one day be today? So again, what were you saying about my boobs?”

My breath hitched as Cal moved his hand slowly up from my side to cup my breast.

“I said your boobs are fucking perfect, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pictured them bouncing as you ride me.”

Now it was my turn to pick my jaw off the floor. I wasn’t expecting that comment to come from him. He chuckled as his lustful eyes met my shocked ones.

“I’m going to show you just how much I love your body.”

I woke up the next morning, rolled over and collided with a solid body. I opened my eyes and saw Calum looking down at me with a small smile on his face.

“Good morning beautiful,” he moved his head to give me a peck on the lips. “How did you sleep?”

I smiled back at him, “Good, glad last night wasn’t a dream.”

“How’re you feeling this morning?”

I snuggled closer to his chest, “I feel much better than I did yesterday. I feel like I could learn to love myself with your help.” I pressed a kiss to his neck.

“I like the sound of that. Maybe I can show you how beautiful you are again after breakfast.”

[clatterbane]

Oh yes, reminded with that great t-shirt selfie a little while ago. 🙄

One benefit of using a wheelchair now that I was actually laughing about to Mr. C earlier? Even more excuse to wear comfy elastic-waist pants pretty much 24/7!

Dressing for comfort in general.

But, another part of that which I've honestly been enjoying a lot? Not really feeling self-conscious about going out in public with no bra! 🎈🎉🎈Even without a jacket or anything for camouflage.

They've been noticeably worse on my sensory issues the past few years than they used to be, and that was always the first thing to go whenever I came in the house. Usually before outdoor shoes.

Of course it's nobody else's business what undergarments another person may or may not be wearing, much less randos on the street. But, this was still a personal hangup I had trouble getting over.

I just did not have the spoons to deal with more potential negative reactions--even, or maybe especially, from random-ass strangers. And was getting increasingly resentful about the whole situation there.

But, that pretty much seems to have belatedly gone up in flames since the Septic Slump, and all the shit connected to that.

Getting used to moving myself around in a manual wheelchair, with all the shoulder/other upper body exertion required? Hell no, I do not need constricting elastic contraptions further compliating my life! Not even in the form of relatively "comfy" sports bras.

I was briefly tempted to try and find some sports bras I could tolerate, but nah. Gave that idea up as a bad job during that extended hospital stay.

And if anybody else should care? That's really nothing to do with me. It never was, but now I do seem to have way fewer fucks to give.

Granted, it may actually help some that I have lost what seems like 75% of the original boobage which sometimes got more than enough unwanted attention to make me more self-conscious about the prospect of existing in public obviously braless.

(I didn't even know that was possible, btw. Especially since I never had the hip/thigh deposits, and the boobage still never noticeably changed with some pretty large size swings over the years. But, apparently get enough unintentional weight loss going? Eventually it will. 🙄 And I am still having some pretty conflicted feelings about the whole thing.)

Anyway, I have to get crap amused in a way at one bigger factor there.

The apparent state of my undergarments is just about the last thing judgmental assholes are liable to even notice these days! 😁 🤨

(Unless, of course, those assholes are also fellow wheelchair users with brightly colored hair. In which case, fuck 'em too!)

[vixxscifiwritings]

The Foxglove Meadow (9/?)

Summary - In which a single summer in Derbyshire becomes a learning experience for the people involved. In which Wonshik finds his love is not who he expected it to be, Taekwoon struggles with coming to terms with his past while finding he can love again, Jaehwan parts with a long standing affection, Minah learns how society influences lives in a way that’s complicated and Haneul learns that sensibility is harder practiced than preached.

Story Masterpost

Tag List - @blossomtearsleo @tomatoholmes @merlionmen @seraphistols  @k-craze-97

Chapter 9 - The Kims Of Chatsworth

"Hannie, you look like you survived the seven seas and returned home after being shipwrecked" Sanghyuk told Haneul. 

"I suppose I do look awful, don't I?" Haneul said with a sigh. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was frizzy from the humidity and her dark circles had begun to show. She had lost some weight too apparently for she could take an inch off her corset and dresses that were snug before summer hung a little looser.

"I do look shipwrecked" she laughed. 

"However, I don't think Mama would approve of me being a pirate" she added, ruffling his hair. 

"Perhaps I can be a pirate when I grow up" Sanghyuk said. 

"Maybe. If we have some time then I will make you a pirate's hat later" Haneul promised. Sanghyuk cheered and hugged her before running off to tell Minah. 

Sanghyuk descended the stairs in a great rush. "Be careful!" Soojung exclaimed when he almost skidded into the drawing room. Soojung had been instructing Minah before the interruption and Sanghyuk groaned when he realized that it would be his turn soon.

"Like I said, you must dress well. Tie your unruly hair up. And remember your manners. Flatter Mrs Kim, but subtlety and sensibility is key" she reminded Minah. 

"I understand" Minah said. Her tone was clipped for there was no use in going over this argument again. Soojung had made it clear in no simple words that Kim Wonshik was to be a potential suitor and Minah was to 'assist' him in this endeavour. Minah's own views were quite contrary but apparently irrelevant. 

"Han Sanghyuk" Soojung started. 

Minah tuned out while Soojung quizzed Sanghyuk on proper etiquette. She excused herself and decided to go upstairs to her room. She came across Haneul who was tying up the cords of her corset. Minah wordlessly helped her wear her dress.

"Haneul" she started and stopped, unsure of how to phrase her question. 

"Yes?" Haneul asked. 

"I've been wondering. Do you remember when I asked you if you ever had a suitor?" Minah asked carefully. 

"I do. What about it?" Haneul asked. 

"How did you handle unwanted attention? Rather, what if the attention was not from someone you despised or so, but just unwanted" Minah asked. Haneul bit her lip. The question had hit close to home for it resembled her situation with Jaehwan greatly.

"I suppose, you must draw a line somewhere. If it gets too over bearing then you must say no in clear terms. But it becomes difficult to assess when and where" she told Minah. 

"Do you remember when you said you didn't want to marry Jaehwan? Well, I don't want Kim Wonshik to court me" Minah wanted to say. But she nodded and held her silence. She had no idea of his intentions and it was best not discussed till she knew.

-

"Let me introduce you to my mother, Kim Jinsil. And this is my sister, Kim Sooyeon" Wonshik said, introducing his family. The families curtseyed and bowed as introductions were exchanged. 

"Minah, you must sit by me. I have heard a lot about you and I can't wait to know you more" Sooyeon said excitedly. 

"As excitable as you are darling, you are being rude to our present company" Jinsil told her daughter. Sooyeon blushed apologetically. 

"I do suppose that the girls can be excused. I'm afraid our conversations will only bore them" Hyunshik said gently. 

"May I be excused as well?" Sanghyuk piped up, causing the company to laugh. 

"We don't wish to be rude" Minah said once the company had settled. 

"I don't think it a problem. Do take a turn of the gardens" Jinsil encouraged. Sooyeon, Minah and Sanghyuk took their leave with Sooyeon leading the way. Soojung eyed the group satisfied by the turn of events.

"I have heard so much about you from Wonshik. It is a pleasure to meet you in person" Jinsil said. 

"Only good things I hope. He is a fine gentleman and we are glad to make this acquaintance" Hyunshik said. 

"You flatter me, Mr Kim. Sooyeon in particular was rather taken with Minah. Rather strange that we should reside in London but meet in Derbyshire" Jinsil said. 

"Strange indeed" Soojung agreed.

"Tell me more about yourself Haneul" Jinsil asked. 

"Haneul is quite an accomplished painter Ma" Wonshik said. 

"I proudly concur" Hyunshik said heartily. 

"These are exaggerations Madam" Haneul said modestly. 

"You must excuse her modest nature Ma'am. But Haneul is quite accomplished in various home making activities" Minjun added.

"Both the sisters are well versed in the arts. Minah plays the piano" Soojung told her. 

"Indeed, she knows a vast range of songs" Haneul agreed. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her mother stiffen imperceptibly. 

"Well, I must invite her to play some time" Jinsil agreed. They were interrupted by the servant who had come in to announce that tea was ready.

"If you'll excuse me, I'll go look for Minah" Haneul requested. 

"Let me accompany you" Wonshik said. 

"Perhaps you'll be able to find your sister faster. Sooyeon usually walks around a fair bit" Jinsil said with a sigh. 

"I don't believe that Sanghyuk and Minah would have problems keeping up" Hyunshik said in a good natured tone. 

"I suppose not" Soojung agreed.

-

"I do believe we will find them in the gardens" Wonshik said. 

"Minah loves gardens. I guess Sooyeon is no different" Haneul said with a smile. 

"Pardon the intrusion, but are you keeping well my lady?" Wonshik asked. 

"You are kind to worry about my health, sir. I am keeping well" she assured him.

"Have you painted anything new lately?" he asked. 

"Simple landscapes, I am afraid" she replied. 

"Maybe someday I will boldly ask you for one of the estate" he laughed. Haneul chuckled as well. 

"I must confess that as a child I would some times sketch the estate's gardens from afar. I doubt I have improved since then" she admitted. 

"I must see these sketches some day" he asked conspiratorially. 

"Whether you see my sketches or not, you must invite Minah to play the pianoforte someday. She is quite skilled at it" Haneul told him. 

"I look forward to it" he said. 

"Do you remember Mr Jung?" he asked her. 

"I do indeed. How is he?" she asked. 

"In good health fortunately. He has decided to stay at the estate for the rest of the season. I expect him to arrive next week" Wonshik told her. 

"That is quite fortunate. I don't believe you have much company in the way of other young gentlemen" Haneul told him. 

"I don't think it is my company he desires" Wonshik laughed. Haneul frowned at the statement. 

"I do believe that I can trust you with a secret" he admitted. 

"Mama believes that Taekwoon intends to court Sooyeon when she comes of age" he confided. 

"I don't think you should be telling me this" Haneul said, stepping back a little.

"I have reasons to believe this to be untrue. I think he intends to court you" Wonshik said plainly. 

"You must be mistaken sir. He has declared no such intentions to me and I don't believe he ever will" Haneul insisted. 

"Taekwoon is the type to admire in silence. He won't openly declare his affections till he believes he has secured yours. That is his falling and I can only beg you to understand his heart" Wonshik told her.

"This was my only design in asking for your company. I only ask you to pay attention to his feelings. Taekwoon may not be as bold" he put in. 

"I am afraid you have been rather bold in announcing his intentions" Haneul said firmly. "Mr Jung is a fine gentleman but I firmly believe you are mistaken in interpreting his actions. He has no intentions of courting me and I beg of you not to bring this topic up again. Now if you will excuse me, we have been away for long enough for it to be improper."

Wonshik hesitated, as Haneul walked further. He followed her silently, with neither party speaking a word till they reached the gardens.

"Haneul! Do join us" Minah said happily. She frowned when she noticed a palpable tension between Wonshik and her cousin. But Haneul smiled and Minah knew not to pursue it further. 

"Sanghyuk has been telling us stories of his adventures across the sea. He is a well travelled pirate" Sooyeon said proudly.

"Hannie knows. She even promised to make me a pirate's hat" Sanghyuk told them. 

"Haneul is quite skilled at embroidery. You will have the best pirate's hat in the land" Minah declared. 

"You must teach me. I could never sit still for the lessons and now I regret it" Sooyeon admitted. 

"Haneul is a good teacher. She taught me how to play the piano" Minah said. 

"I had no idea you played the piano as well" Wonshik said, genuinely surprised. 

"I suppose we must correct for that. You must spend your evenings at the estate for the sake of our acquaintance" Sooyeon said. 

"Of course" Haneul agreed. Sooyeon smiled and went back to discussing Sanghyuk’s adventures. Minah noticed Haneul firmly avoiding Wonshik and frowned. Something was amiss here.

-