#But it's really nagging me this time and I hadda say something

[visage-of-hell]

Honestly didn't think I was ever gonna feel compelled to talk about this on here, but ... this just won't stop bugging the crap outta me.

I was vague about it before because it was just too raw and painful to talk about at the time, but on May 23rd, I lost the closest being to an actual child in my life and the vacuum that it left in my heart and in my life was ... more intense than any other loss I have ever experienced. I'm no stranger to animal deaths, my family has lost so many over the decades to illness and age--it's just part of the process. We outlive them, and it SUCKS. I thought I would cope the way I always have before. But this was different--she was MY little girl. Every moment of my day revolved around her and there was not a single facet of my life that didn't directly involve her somehow. To say I've been left feeling lost and empty ever since is a massive understatement. When she left, she took a piece of me with her. In that time, two moots that I thought I was relatively close with (and wrote with a LOT) dropped me without a word and I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't bother me quite a lot. I could get it if I just vanished without a trace, not letting anyone know what's going on. But even if it was too hard to go into detail, I did NOT leave anyone hanging. I promised I would be back (hell, tried several times to come back before I was really ready, but I still at least kept letting you all know what was up). I really trusted these people, that's what keeps gnawing at me. It's hard to not feel 'betrayed' at least to SOME degree, y'know? Especially when I still see them on my dash, interacting with other moots of mine, remembering what we had before the rug got pulled out. Adding to these feelings is the knowledge that one of them already had something like this happen to them with someone else within this fandom ... and the other is struggling for interactions with very few moots, yet still bailed on me in a vulnerable moment. These are NOT people I ever would have expected this turn of events to come from, is what I'm getting at. But I don't chase after people. If you make it clear that you don't want anything to do with me, then it's a done deal. That bridge is burned. But I hope you find what you're looking for out there, if it wasn't with me.