#But hey she's published and making money so wtf do I know | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

unearthcd · 4 years ago

Text

kristine froseth, cis woman + she/her | you know august james pettersen, right? they’re 25, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, eighteen years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to all these things i’ve done by the killers like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole handwritten notes, messy ponytails, spontaneous midnight excursions thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is january 1, so they’re a capricorn, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( tessa, 24, pst, she/her )

hey, babes! i’m tessa (24, pst, she/her) and i’ve been rp’ing on this blue website for way too many years. i’m stuck in this wonderful gossamer and wouldn’t have it any other way. anyway, below is august’s bio—she’s a newish muse, so i’m running with the vibe (for lack of a better word) and we’ll see how this goes! always feel free to message me to plot or chat here or on discord (swamp rabbit#1745). okay, let’s do the damn thing!

name: august james pettersen nicknames: aj, aug, a, james, etc. age, birth date: 25; january 1, 1996 hometown: irving, north carolina occupation: model sexuality: pansexual

growing up in irving

august james petterson is the daughter and only child of jameson and erik petterson. she’s the product of surrogacy, the men having sought out and found a lovely woman to help them have a child back in massachusetts where they previously lived. the hoops they went through to have their daughter and both legally be considered her parents were plenty, but with successful careers in architecture and publishing (think founder and editor and chief of something architectural digest-esque) they were able to commit the time and money to make it happen.

not a year after her birth, the three of them relocated to irving, north carolina to be with two of her grandparents whose health was rapidly deteriorating. having packed up their things and taken the short flight, they piled into the elderly couple’s sprawling home on aquila drive. ah, old money. sadly, they’d end up passing a few short years later, just before august started school. the family inherited great wealth and was left the house.

always a fairly quiet kid, august wasn’t the most social student in school. in fact, she spent much of her time with a small group of friends and, after branching out a small bit in high school, in the theatre department. long story short, she wasn’t a very popular person. in fact, with her apparent wealth and quiet demeanor, it wouldn’t surprise me if she was considered aloof, stuck up, or strange by her peers (but i’ll leave that UTY if they attended school together!). in earnest, she was just an observer and never enjoyed talking just to make noise. she liked having an intimate group and just doing what she enjoyed.

at the same time, the lack of a bursting social life and hijinks à la grease and clueless fed her early onset senioritis. she dreamed of and planned for getting out of irving. and when the time for college came, she did!

leaving home

we’d like to congratulate the senior class of 2014! that fall august moved to—drumroll please—new york city for college. what can i say, she’s an east coast babe. she got into NYU and studied english, thinking maybe she’d get into publishing down the line, because she’d always loved reading. truth be told, she wasn’t married to the idea. in fact, she wasn’t married to her education in the slightest. she’d chosen NYU purely based on location and, honestly, who can blame her (’:

her sophomore year of university one of her friends got it in her head to attend a modeling agency open call and, not wanting to go alone, convinced august to go along. while they weren’t interested in the friend, they did take an interest in her. and you know what? it made her feel special and wanted and admired. so she went with it and, with practice, became pretty damn good. her jobs, however, started interfering with her studies. so, without much convincing, she dropped out of school. she was making enough money to rent an apartment with a couple roommates in the village and made modeling her full-time gig. over the next few years her career began to take off a bit, with clients like for love & lemons and victoria’s secret pink (bc we have the real content, so why not use it?). probably a beauty campaign here and there. you know, commercial work etc. etc.

cue “dorothea,” you'rе a queen sellin' dreams, sellin' makeup and magazines

quiet, small town girl is on her way to making it big! whoo! right? well, there came a point where she became a total workhorse. august wanted to please—she wanted to find her place, her people—and, convinced this was it, she did everything in her power to keep moving up. she was a stray cat, she was looking to be taken in by anyone, praised and cared for for anything.

but that isn’t sustainable, and after a while she cracked a bit. ended up letting off steam by partying with so-called friends, picked up a small smoking habit she’s since been trying to kick since. befriended a band at some point (shout out to beau) and groupied the east coast leg of their tour for a couple weeks, because the front man asked and was charming and looked at her like she was exceptional. then the magic faded and she left to go back to her little apartment and next booked job. really, she was just going where she felt people wanted her and everyone kept telling her it was great! everything’s fine!

coming back // present

she realized after that that she’d fallen into this entire thing and, while she was grateful for much of it, she had to wonder if she even liked it. it really hit her one day smack in the middle of a job. that evening she went home, once again packed up her things, and flew home. a special kind of subtle chaos. a not-at-all-adventurous eat, pray, love.

i want to say her agents aren’t the worst people in the world and, while angered by her abrupt departure, realized she needed a break. like, a month-long visit home. it was the holidays and her birthday, after all! lol, oh, no. bets on when they start calling her like, ‘hey, where the hell are you, what’s the deal’?

now, after dropping out of school and putting her career on pause (?), she’s back living with her parents, probably looking at her savings account and wondering if she has enough $$$$ to rent an apartment or room [potential connection idea?] until she decides wtf she’s doing. she’s stuck between feeling like she’s backsliding and feeling like she needs to take the time to figure out what she wants.

personality // fun facts

+ lively, spontaneous, passionate, humorous (or so she likes to think)

- lost, impulsive, insecure in many ways

tiktoks for the vibe: 1, 2, 3

being an adult is a scam

*calls u dude and babe in the same sentence*

she wasn’t bored, she was just restless between adventures

the first person to laugh at herself.

let’s-screw-around-and-talk-about-nothing-for-hours-until-it-inevitably-turns-into-something-deep.

“i always feel like, when i meet people, they have a bigger impact on me than i maybe do on them.”

very honest. the girl isn’t messing around (unless she totally is)!! will ask you out as soon as the thought occurs to her, like, “hey, uh, we should go out sometime. (:” :slight_smile:

very, very dreamy, but head not empty, head filled with the same bit of film dialogue on repeat over and over for, like, a week. head still processing the end of a book she finished two weeks ago. head making up prose about the faint freckles on the bridge of your nose and the way your hand’s moving about.

big music person, be it modern, classical, live, vinyl. attaches a lot of emotions and memories to songs. 98% chance you’ll find her at the nearest bar hosting live music, right up front.

her penmanship is beautiful, thanks to a love of the written word. she’d rather stick a post-it note on your door than shoot you a text. loves letters, postcards, etc.

does want to whisk you away on fun, spontaneous adventures, but will go by herself if for whatever reason you’re not available or up for it.

#did i proofread this? no #irvingintro

20 notes · View notes

loverontheleft · 4 years ago

Text

Long anon has thoughts and I’m here to reply but also I’m fucking wasted

Okay, different anon, but I love giving unsolicited advice (joking, joking... kind of), so I had to chime in. Plus I think I’ve read RtL like 2 or 3 times in full now (way more if you count all the times I’ve read a chapter because of the sex scene and then just kept reading after that), so I’m very invested. God you’re better than me. I didn’t mind chapter 30. It wasn’t my personal favorite scene (that’s just really not my jam, if I wanna revel in the angst, I prefer the later chapters), but with some tweaks I do think it was a good addition. Like, it did give the relationship a little more, I’m not sure if this is the right word, respectability? Realism? Weight? It showed that they’re not just clouded by lust or the honeymoon phase. Which is where I get into the conflict of fanfic imagine writing vs fiction writing. Most fanfic readers seem like they don’t want the plot and the character growth and the realism. The point is fantasy. I can do that short-term, but in a long-haul series like this…angst is necessary. Tension is necessary. Their relationship doesn’t exist in this perfect little bubble, it’s “perfect” because they’re really compatible, and that’s even more important than love in a longterm relationship. It showcased how much Brendon is devoted to his work, which is one of the reasons the reader loves him, but it has the real possibility of causing real issues that they need to address and work through. Now, again, it needs a little work. I don’t love that B basically accused the reader of being intentionally malicious, and I also don’t love that she was more of the victim rather than it being a two-way conflict. I think it could’ve had more of a build-up (I know you said you sort of wrote this without a plan so it makes sense that the build-up wasn’t as much as I think it needed to be, but, hey, that’s the beauty of rewriting it.) and oh rewriting it will be a thing eventually. Like she doesn’t love that he’s overworking and she brings it up a few times throughout like 3 to 5 chapters before nationals, and it sort of gradually goes from the reader going, “hey I think your hyperfocus on your job is starting to affect both your quality of life and our relationship” (obviously in a way that’s more writer-y and less information dump-y lol) to “I’m starting to feel like a toy you play with when you’re interested and completely ignore when you have homework.” And then Brendon’s responses starting at, “oh I’m sorry, babe, I’ll manage my time a bit better,” all the way to, “why don’t can’t you respect my career?” Then in chapter 30, it all comes to a head and they full on fight instead of the previous semi-passive-aggressive communication they had before. I like you; you understand what my brain is trying to do with this rewrite.

ALL OF THAT BEING SAID, as much I think fighting and arguing can be healthy and necessary, I HATED the fight in chapter 19 (at least I think it’s 19. The one where he’s like, “just talk to him, you’re being crazy”). No it’s totally bullshit I hate it too; even writing it I was like ughhhh. I love your work and I don’t want to be rude, but this is just how I feel about one chapter in an otherwise beloved series. It’s not rude; that was jammed in there for the plot and god I hated it then and I hate it now it’s just bad writing. It’s that I just think it was so out of character, for both of them to some extent, but especially Brendon it was. Maybe it’s just the reader projecting her ex onto Brendon when she’s feeling distressed, so that’s why he seems SO different from the way he was in previous chapters (hell, even earlier in that chapter no it took a sharp left turn it’s a bad chapter) and than every other chapter afterward which okay can we agree Chapters 18-26 are whaaaat is happening and 27-31 are ?? and 32 is steamy forgiveness and then 33-36 are smut but so little plot and…oh god I have so much to rewrite I’m gonna cry but he’s so fiercely passionate and protective over, not just the reader, but sort of everything that he cares enough to invest time into (teaching, music, the reader, lovemaking 😏😂, etc.) that don’t think he would’ve proposed talking to the ex at all, much less become all cold and calculating and downright rude when talking to her. I almost think it would be more realistic if she said, offhandedly, “maybe I’ll just talk to him, try to get rid of him, give him some money, I just want this over with,” and Brendon AT THAT POINT would be like, “no absolutely not, you’re being crazy/irrational .” And then it would turn into a big fight because the reader not only feels condescended and invalidated, she’s starting to feel controlled and smothered, which in conjunction with all the feelings that have been brought up with the ex in town, makes her feel like she just needs to get away from B. I guess that wouldn’t have the same effect later on at the end with the lockdown drill which I really want to cut, good lord Cece it was so extra wtf (full disclosure: at the time of writing, the school where I was a teacher had an active shooter in the area but not on campus, so I was probably processing that?? See my note below about writing as therapy), but it would still kind of work. Instead of B realizing that the reader was right about the ex, it would be the reader realizing that B really just cares for her wants what’s best for her, and ofc B would have to apologize for saying that the reader’s crazy because that’s sooo shitty. Actually, now that I think about it, that might be more effective. Other than that one argument, there wasn’t a big question of whether or not B respected the reader and her judgment, but with the ex showing up, the reader was getting scared about being in another serious relationship and being so dependent on someone else oh definitely. Doesn’t help I was using writing as my therapy since I was very out of a mentally abusive six-year relationship. I just peppered in my own trauma left and right (drunk Cece put left and write at first lmao) and left the characters to figure it out and that’s not fair to y’all so it would be much better narratively to confirm to the reader that she can trust Brendon and that he cares for her even if he messes up rather than to just have an argument that gets resolved. Which would work too if it weren’t for the fact that the characters and dialogue were so off, just maybe not quite as well. Lots of changes to be made; you’re not wrong.

Okay, I’m sorry for talking your figurative ears off omg no I love it this is a craft revision and I’m so here for it. Feel free to say I’m way overstepping because, well, I am, but I’m a fan okay!!! Idk if you’re overstepping I’m too drunk but I don’t deserve fans I’m crying yall are so wonderful And I overthink EVERYTHING, so there’s that too haha same though. These are just things to consider and jumping off points, so don’t let it change whatever you have planned. I’m sure it’ll be great, and frankly, I mostly read for the smut anyway so I don’t know why I’m so invested in the plot LMAO this is why I’m worried about Dulce being a slow burn y’all just want the smuuuut and @beautiful-tragic-fallout can tell you there’s a huge difference between my fanfic writing and my fiction writing though you’d think they’d be similar. Maybe I’ll just write it as a novel, never post it here, hope it sells, and one day y’all can be like “this book plot sounds familiar… I remember this slut who wrote a bunch on tumbl—wait, is this author actually Cece?!?” Because, reminder, Cece is an abbreviation of my second middle name and very few people actually know it at all and my published fiction writing isn’t under Cece (I’m mostly joking, but really, as long as the porn’s good, you could write anything well, thank you.) I’m sure this whole ask is riddled with typos and forgotten words and bad grammar (brevity has never been my strength), so I’d also like to apologize for all that. Listen I’m so drunk right now…I didn’t even notice. And my responses probably are too.

2 notes · View notes

imbriums-blog · 7 years ago

Text

hello my angels ! i’m sorry this is so late but i’m sarah & i’m 18 yrs old & live in the hellhole that is ohio so the est timezone ! i’m ur token harry potter nerd & lover of all things musical... anyways u can hear more about 5/10 of my problematic children under the cut ! i’m gonna try to keep it short but i lov to talk so we’ll see ! if you’re willing to plot give this post a big mf like & i’ll come crawlin’ to ur ims !

— ✯ | barbara delaney savenkov ! + pinterest board !

tw: death, murder

laura harrier, cisfemale, she/her — have you met barbara delaney savenkov yet ? the twenty-three year old is known for being both poised and enticing, but also very skeptical and deceiving. born in san francisco, barbie now lives in soho, waiting tables at the fork and assassinating people on the side for some extra cash. + wanted connections !

so barbara was born n raised in san francisco, california to a solidly middle class family. her parents were divorced growing up, although they were friendly & got along well enough to be friends & co-parent barbie. she’d always been quite an idealist like Yes The World Is Good but when she was twenty, her dad had died due to a rogue heart attack that seemingly happened for no reason & it completely shattered barbara.

that’s when a local gang found her, at her ultimate low, & roped her into their business. she stayed w them for two years or so & at some point or another barbara started to realize that she didn’t think this business & way to make money was a good one. eventually, they starting cutting pay & barbara started to feel like she was bein manipulated. working w the gang kind of made her give up her optimism & is what truly formed her into the stone cold but somehow still elegant & captivating barbie she is today ! her idealistic attitude & never-ending optimism died with all of the shady shit that gang made her do.

then barbara was offered a job as an assassin for a powerful man doin some shady shit & she was unable to refuse even tho her first instinct was to turn it down – it offered great money & stability, & with the impression that she’d only be hurting people who deserved it, barbara shakily accepted the deal & left the gang !

she’s not pleased w the fact that she’s murdering ppl for a living, obviously, but she tries to make do with what she has & tells herself that the ppl she’s killing deserve it but !! messy !

personality-wise, barbara comes off as super intimidating at first n like she just doesn’t have feelings… super proper n always sitting upright n stiff as fuck… scares ppl away bc she seems like a robot at first

she's that kid who studies for the test like 3 weeks before it actually happens and has color coordinated highlighting and bullet journals.. she wants to be on top of everything, constantly – she doesn’t like feeling unorganized or like she’s falling apart ? i think it’s partially bc she tends to over perfect areas of her life like that, and like color coordinating her closet and making sure everything is tidy to make up for the Mess that is her secret career ??

one of the most annoying things ever is how perfect she seems on the surface ?? like, she likes everybody n is probably the type of person who rescues stray kittens from trees n sings as little birdies fly down & comb her hair or some shit but anyone close to barbie in real life knows she is a hardcore mess

that friend who’s like “oh my god i look so fat in this picture” n literally everybody groans bc shut the fuck up karen ur perfect

could literally say “fuck off” to somebody n the tone of voice she uses would make them think she was complimenting them

— ✯ | cordelia esther king ! + pinterest board !

alycia debnam-carey, cisfemale, she/her — have you met cordelia esther king yet ? the twenty-two year old is known for being both affable and buoyant, but also very whimsical and corybantic. born in salem, delia now lives in lambeth, working as a wedding planner and forming unrealistic expectations of true love.

so ngl cordelia is very inspired by jane from 27 dresses but w/ some twists so i’m not completely unoriginal

she was born to a pastor for a father in salem aka witch town ! cordelia was raised as kind of a perfect goody goody two shoes u know.. classic girl next door who sleeps w a teddy bear even at twenty-two & her entire room is covered in pink, she spends her spare time baking n blushing over boys smiling at her wtvr... she was always strong-willed & opinionated but shut up out of fear of being made fun of u know, kids these days r mean

so then when cordelia is old enough to leave her parents house ( let’s say like a year ago ) she decides that she’s tired of being the nice girl in the shadows & that she wants to live life more on the edge so she vows to start living life dangerously & being badass... whatever that means

it’s actually kind of funny, because she’ll stroll into a bar & bat her eyelashes at the bartender & single ppl in the room to try & get them to order a drink for her solely bc she doesn’t know the names of any drinks... has no common sense & is too naive for her own good ( what is a handjob... what does “on the rocks” mean ) but the girl’s trying to [ troy bolton vc ] break free so who am i to judge ?

she’s a wedding planner who’s actually in love with the idea of love & has watched the notebook 1 too many times... despite her being wildt nowadays she’s still into the whole “when i meet the one for me my foot will pop when we kiss & i’ll feel fireworks” thing.. it’s cute but also sad but ! cute !

personality-wise... she’s outspoken & friendly & incredibly flirty, but at the same time she probably either assumes you’re flirting w her when you’re really not or has no clue that you’re hitting on her when ur literally kissing her

is totally sandy at the end of grease when she’s like “tell me about it, stud” acting all badass but then doesn’t know what to do w her cigarette butt & looks nervously at her friends like WTF DO I DO

please come corrupt her or fuck her up... or be nice 2 her & teach her how to be a human being

— ✯ | dexter leroy bates ! + pinterest board !

torrance coombs, cismale, he/him — have you met dexter leroy bates yet ? the thirty-one year old is known for being both inventive and idealistic, but also very farouche and indecisive. born in hackney, dex now lives in croydon, editing badly filmed videos and gluing himself to a camera 24/7.

basically a nerdy starving artist based on mark from rent with a lil bit of peter parker in him

a broke ass bitch living in croydon trying his best to make it as a photographer / film maker

he has huge dreams of hollywood but his films r probably kinda bad... but he tries his best n i love him for it

kinda nerdy & word vomit-y... super cute... would die for his friends but also would kill u for insulting one of them

is that nerd that is actually hot n buff n shit but u never notice bc he wears hoodies n hides behind a camera bc i lov stereotyping apparently

i don’t really have his backstory worked out yet tbfh so really ? go wild w connections for my son

— ✯ | davina leigh cordero ! + pinterest board !

lauren jauregui, cisfemale, she/her — have you met davina leigh cordero yet ? the twenty-one year old is known for being both intuitive and diligent, but also very seclusive and obstinate. born in whitby, davina now lives in soho, studying journalism and avoiding as much human interaction as possible.

100% based on rory gilmore bc apparently even tho i’m on season 2 i luv the characters Too Much

basically everything i aspire 2 be in a person... hardworking as fuck, loves school so fricking much, antisocial as hell !

davina is deadass brilliant & her idea of wild is staying up past 11 on a school night or waiting to do her homework on saturday instead of friday

sweet, a lil bit awkward, but the cutest ever n i would die for her

would much rather be chillin w her books than anything else tbh & doesn’t know how to hold proper interactions but it’s more charming than anything else

grew up with only her dad mostly, since her mom worked full time & lived out of town for reasons but they both love her a ton. her dad would give her the whole world if he could, & owns a quaint little coffee shop in whitby & is constantly calling davina to check up on her... when she got older her mom moved back in w her dad so since then she’s gotten a lot closer to her but there’s still just such a bond between her dad & her u know

what is romance ? davina doesn’t know

come fuck her up

— ✯ | sawyer maisie pitman ! + pinterest board !

josefine frida pettersen, cisfemale, she/her — have you met sawyer maisie pitman yet ? the twenty year old is known for being both undaunted and driven, but also very apathetic and blunt. born in bristol, sawyer now lives in wandsworth, being a tragically pathetic starving artist & student.

so sawyer was adopted as a baby, unnamed, to two moms who love her more than anything in the world. one’s a publisher & one’s an english professor, & they’re both huge fricking nerds, so she was named after tom sawyer !

as soon as she could walk she was talented with art & everything that had to do with it & not long after entering high school she decided that that’s what she wanted to do & nothing was going to get in the way of it

now, as a student & hopeful artist, sawyer is dead set on getting where she wants to be & has no tolerance for bullshit... like if u ain’t helping her further her career, ur unimportant to her

relationships ? cancelled. romance is a DISTRACTION from her work & only complicates her life !

blunt as fuck & doesn’t sugar coat things. she says things like they are & expects others to do the same bc she has no time for drama or whatnot

stubborn as fuck & nearly impossible to talk to sometimes bc she’s so set in her ways but hey love me a strong woman amirite

sharp-tongued & sarcastic as fuck but can be incredibly kind when the time is right !

#smoke:intros

6 notes · View notes

take-back-the-knight · 8 years ago

Text

50 $hades of WTF Did I Just Read… Again? Introduction

This is from Nick’s first and unused tumblr @cutelikemurder. But as our Darling Nicky (hehe Prince reference) has a knack for pissing people off every time she turns on her laptop, and the second movie dropped she thought, after getting into a debate with someone about the series, that now was the perfect time to share her thoughts on the series. As a whole, including Grey, aka the Diary of a Serial Killer. A debate, in which at one point someone told her and Kelly that they were promoting rape culture by saying the book series promoted rape culture. Which... What? That being said, below the cut is the introduction to Nick’s essay on bad writing, bad erotica, non-romance, and the dangers of promoting rape culture in this series in her words.

Why? Why did I do this to myself? Why did I do this to myself for a second time? Why did I subject myself to what might be the worst piece of writing in all of human existence to date? Twice? I mean, I love bad writing. I do. I really do. But this? The Fifty Shades of Oh My God, This Lady Got Published Series?

I can’t. I can’t even.

Or odd. I can’t even odd, y’all.

How sad is that?

So why read something that I hated for a second time?

Chiefly for three reasons which we will explore briefly right now.

1. I am a literary masochist. I love to read things that will piss me off. Which is why I read Twilight. Someone said something to the effect of “Oh, you’d fucking hate Twilight.” And I my response was…

And this was after years of some of my slightly younger friends trying to get me to read a sparkling vampire love story written by a Mormon. Because… vampires, I guess. If one of them would have just told me the entire story from beginning to end, I would have read it in a day.

But they tried to sell me on the “richness” of the “love story.” Which…

They didn’t even try to appeal to my fondness for train wrecks in novel form. Which was a failing on their part. You gotta know your audience, man.

In short, my love for awful books is well established.

That being said if I had known how bad 50 Shades of Grey was going to be I might have had a different reaction.

2. 50 Shades of Grey is not just a book series anymore.

This is an argument everyone has heard. “Just a book, why are you so upset about a book?” But it’s not just a book…

There are trailers heralding 50 $hades as a “Worldwide Phenomenon.” They interviewed E.L. James, the author of the trilogy on countless talk shows and news programs. The second of three movies have just come out. This is not just a book series anymore. It’s a multimillion dollar franchise. And it’s complete and utter crap. It sucks. If you thought that Twilight glorified an abusive relationship, The Fifty $hades Trilogy and Grey by E.L. James celebrates it and makes no apologies for itself in the process.

It doesn’t matter if Christian is wildly controlling, emotionally distant, and physically abusive. He’s got a big dick and a lot of money… and hey… he plays the piano.

And bitches love a guy that plays piano. Amiright, ladies?

This books series does what Twilight did for young girls but for grown ass adults who supposedly have A: read a book before now, and B: had an enjoyable sexual experience at some point in their lives.

It not only reinforces but also it magnifies some of the most distributing aspects of the Bella and Edward romance in The Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer. Because let’s be clear, one of the reasons this is so popular is because this was a Twilight Fan Fiction marketed to the Twilight Moms (which is a real thing. They exist. I have seen the pictures).

They love this stuff. They read this stuff. They are going to go see the movie before or after a Sex in the City marathon.

So yeah… I don’t get it either. However, maybe over the course of this review we’ll discover why. Or maybe we’ll all commit mass suicide.

Either way.

And lastly…

3. Because I have friends that literally can’t read these books.

I’m writing this for them. And anyone else that when asked about 50 $hades has this reaction:

Apparently, out of everyone that I know that has had a violent physical reaction to these books, I made it the farthest in the series. I actually completed it. I read every terribly put together sentence, and followed every cringe-worthy, no-plot-having moment; one after another, until the ending that came like a donkey punch to my brain. And after I cleanse my soul and tried to drink the memory of those books away, I realized that I had done this so others like me wouldn’t have to endure the same hardships I had to. I did this… I am doing this so you can just lie to some of your people and say, “Yeah, I read it. This is why I hated it. No, I won’t go with you to see the movie. The end.”

See, I’m taking one for the team.

So here we go.

Let’s do this…

Part One - Coming Soon (Friday... Probably)

#50 $hades of WTF Did Nick Just Read #Reading For Friends

0 notes

jumpsitehq · 6 years ago

Text

300+ Funny Status for Whatsapp and Facebook in English

There are millions of people who can use WhatsApp Messenger and they also change status day by day so that why I am Publishing a Best Funniest Status in our sites. You can check the collection of Funny Whatsapp Status below. I hope you will like the funny statuses for WhatsApp. Earlier you have seen some of the Best and Latest Whatsapp Status, Love Whatsapp Status, Sad and Cool Whatsapp Status but This time we come up with All-time Favorite FUNNY WHATSAPP STATUS.

Funny Status for Whatsapp and Facebook

“Hey there WhatsApp is using me.” “I am not lazy, but I am on my energy saving mode.” “I can’t read lips unless they’re touching mine.” “80% of boys have girlfriends. Rest 20% are having a brain.” “Last seen 1985!” “When you are on a 1% battery anyone who sends a message Or calling, Becomes the enemy Automatically.” “I love my job only when I’m on vacation.” “Life is too short smile while you still have teeth……” “God is really creative, I mean.. just look at me every time.”

Best Funny Status

“Common sense is not so common.” “Never laugh at your wife’s choices… LOL..you’re one of them…” “All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.” “Never Steal because of Government HATE COMPETITION.” ” I pretend to work and They pretend to pay me.” “If you can’t convince them then Confuse them.” “I always learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice. That’s called EVIL MIND.” “I Am Gonna Make my Status High, better you to Focus on your Status only.” “I hate people who steal my ideas before I think of them.”

Funny Status Quotes

“AwesoME ends with ME and UGLY Start with YOU.” “People say everything happens for a reason. So when I Beat your ASS, remember I have a reason.” “People said to follow your dreams so I went back to bed.” “When Phone on silent mode – 10 Missed calls…When Turns volume to loud- Nobody calls all day.” “Busy at this moment…free forever.” “The only time success comes before work is in dictionary.” “If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.” “DOESN’T EXPECTING THE UNEXPECTED MAKE THE UNEXPECTED EXPECTED ?” “Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.” “Doing nothing is very hard thing to do…you never know when to finish.”

Best Funny Quotes

“You have the perfect face to become Radio Jockey.” “Totally available!!!! Please disturb me!!!!” “Hi there! I am using my brain.” “One day your princess will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.” “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.” “Looks like I over-estimated the number of your brain cells.” “Lie is just a great story ruined by truth.” “If Monday had a face, I would punch it.” “My style is unique don’t even think to copy it!” “Teachers call it cheating, students call it teamwork.” “I always dream of being a millionaire like my friend!… He’s dreaming too.” “My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it in the morning.” “Don’t Hit Kids, They Become Smart Nowadays they Carry GUNS.” “A man is as young as the woman he feels.”

Top Fun Status

“I’m just having an allergic reaction to the universe.” “When I actually die some people are going to get really haunted after me.” “The winner of the rat race is still a rat.” “If money grew on trees, then girls would be dating monkeys….” “Please don’t interrupt me while I’m ignoring you.” “At least Some Mosquito’s are attracted to me.” “I am sure I have a defective iPhone, I keep pressing the home button and I’m still at work.” “I WANT TO KILL THE HOTTEST PERSON ALIVE… BUT SUICIDE IS A BIG CRIME!” “I had to take sick day.I’m sick of those peoples.” “Today’s Relationships is like You can touch each other but not each other’s phones.”

Best Funny Status for Facebook

“DO YOU EVER JUST LIE ON KNEES AND THANK GOD THAT YOU KNOW ME AND MY INTELLIGENCE…??” “TRUTH: Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up…” “It’s not that I hate anyone; it’s just that I do not like people.” “Life is Short so Chat Fast..” “My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. What a TRAGEDY.” “Save Paper, Don’t do Homework.” “A black cat passing by the crossroad can stop hundreds of people what a RED LIGHT on traffic signal has failed to do for a long time.” “I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I am blaming you.” “Your status won’t ever match my status neither in WhatsApp nor in reality.” “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” “Save Water, Drink Whisky.”

Funniest Whatsapp Status

“Sometimes all you need is love. Lol, just kidding, you need money.” “WARNING!! I know karate…..and some other words too.!” “Honest people can be put into two categories….little kids and drunk persons.” “Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up.” “When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you ?” “I just need a good Wifi & Wife.” “I only need three things in life: Food, Wifi, Sleep.” “There’s only one problem with your face, I can see it.” “I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.” “AFTER GETTING DRUNK, BACHELOR OF TECHNOLOGY TURNS INTO MASTER OF PHILOSOPHY.” “Can’t talk, telepathy only!” “Read books instead of reading my status!” “People that Change Love status after 30 Sec… GF is the Reason…” “I am Cool but Summer Days make me hot.” “I AM NOT A VEGETARIAN BECAUSE I LOVE ANIMALS; I AM A VEGETARIAN BECAUSE I HATE PLANTS.”

Laughing Status

“GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.” “I love you, and it’s killing me.” “A fine is a tax for doing wrong & A tax is a fine for doing well.” “I’m not sarcastic, I am just intelligent beyond your understanding.” “In bed, it’s 7AM you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it’s 8:00. At school it’s 12:30, close your eyes for 5 minutes, it’s 12:32.” “Some people are beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.” “Whatsapp users never die, they just go offline.” “The only thing I gained so far in THIS YEAR is weight.” “High Power Come ,with High voltage Current!” “Hello madam, do you want new Credit Card ? Girl: No thanks, I have a Boyfriend.” “I want some one to give me a Loan and then leave me Alone.” “Wife means Worries in life Forever.” “Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them is wearing pants ???” “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” “People say they can’t live without Love. I think oxygen is more important.” “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight.” “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” “Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.” “Yes, I agree. Moms can find everything. Except for the ringing phone in their bags.” “Love marriage is like dancing in front of snake and asking him to bite.” “‘m Jealous Of My Parents… I’ll Never Have A Kid As Cool As Theirs!” “Mah Attitude……Mah ishtyle…” “People say nothing’s impossible, but I do nothing every day.” “Women should not have children after 30. Really … 30 children are enough.”

Hilarious Status

“Please be patient even a toilet can handle only one ass hole at a time.” “If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.” “Don’t steal because it’s the government’s job.” “Don’t kiss behind the garden, Love is blind but the neighbors are not.” “I am currently experiencing life at the rate of 20 WTF’s every hour.” “Who care’s ?????………..I’m awesome. Fuck the Rest.” “Laugh at your problems, everybody else does the same.” “I’m not failed, But my success just lost.!” “This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….I’m just fat.” “I hate men but I’m not lesbians”

Hilarious Whatsapp Status

“Best Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbor’s wife, And beer as COLD as your own.” “When it’s you against me, you either win or you die.” “My heart is stolen..can I check your bra.” “Marriage is the cause of divorce.” “I DID NOT ATTEND HIS FUNERAL, BUT I SENT A NICE LETTER SAYING I APPROVED OF IT.” “SI unit of ignorance = “seen”…” “I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.” “You say I dream too big I say you think too small.” “Running away does not help you with your problems unless you are fat.” “Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.” “ALARM CLOCK: Because mornings must start with a heart attack.” “Mosquitoes are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.” “3 Mistake done by everyone ..Whatsapp, Facebook & GF.”

OMG Funny Status

“Etc Meaning – End of Thinking Capacity.” “We are WTF generation……. WhatsApp, Twitter, and Facebook.” “Never make eye contact while eating a banana.” “Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^).” “Virginity is not dignity, It is just lack of opportunity.” Do share it with your Fiends and Spread Happiness and Laugh a Lot because LIFE IS SHORT.

0 notes

samanthasroberts · 6 years ago

Text

You May Be A Good Dude, But Here’s Why You’re Single

I used to be a “Nice Girl” — a former walking Taylor Swift song in geeky glasses who’d stare longingly through your bedroom window while singing about how terrible your girlfriend is. I used to make homemade fudge for all the cute boys in the hope they’d notice me. Now, I write romance novels. And when I published a book about ghosts and serial killers, the creepy stalker guy was the one who attracted weirdly devoted fan girls.

The point is, I know where nice guys are coming from. I’ve cringed while watching them unknowingly sabotage their relationships. I’ve winced through stories from my female friends of how nice guys became creepy. I’ve watched good guys like you chase away nice girls who really did once want to give them a chance. So if you don’t understand how your sweetness and good intentions could possibly scare anyone away, buckle up, because I’m about to give you some inside info on where you’re going wrong.

The Big Sickly Sweet Romantic Gesture

Here’s a fun game. Sit down with a bunch of girls and ask them to make a list of the sweetest, most romantic things a guy they like has ever done for them. Then ask them to make a list of the creepiest, scariest, most WTF things a guy they didn’t like had ever done to try to get their attention. Then count how many of the exact same things are on both lists.

Sappy poetry, sketches, drawings, acoustic ballads, mix tapes — sweet, personalized, homemade gestures are the unstable land mines of romantic weapons. Get it right and you’ll demolish the competition, shake the ground, and blow away … um … whatever gets exploded when two people suddenly decide they really like each other.

Get it wrong and you’ve just shot Cupid’s dick clean off.

pixdeluxe/iStock “I made a sand castle based on floor plans from your childhood home.”

Hey, this former fudge-making girl gets the appeal of sweet sappy gestures. I’ve written poetry for guys I liked. I’ve made mixtapes and playlists. Hell, I’ve even sewn things for guys. And I’ve included all kinds of grand romantic gestures in books I’ve written. The entertainment industry has been living off the sweet romantic gesture long before lovestruck 90s kids held boomboxes over their heads. When it comes to love, we’re trained to think bigger is better.

In movies, it doesn’t even matter how jerky your gesture is. In the grand cheerleading epic Bring It On, cute-guy-who-recently-did-an-NCIS-cameo (Jesse Bradford) shows up at head cheerleader Kirsten Dunst’s house with a cassette tape of a song he wrote for her. The song starts off with him insulting the most important thing in her life, before telling her he wants to feed her chocolates and screw her in a barn. Because it’s a movie, she starts dancing on her bed in her pajamas and spanking herself with her pompoms.

Universal Pictures This is not love.

In real life, there are just so many ways to get it wrong.

First off, it has to be really good. Bad amateur poetry and crappy artwork is just sad. Beyond that, there’s no faster way to look creepy than to come on way too strong … which makes music especially dangerous because there aren’t that many songs with lyrics like, “Hey, I think you’re kind of cute and I’d like to maybe go out sometime, if that’s cool with you.”

That aside, you’ve both got to be on the exact same page for it to work. If you take her out to dinner and she hates the food, you can both laugh it off and move on. But if you spend hours writing her a song, composing a poem, or organizing a flash mob to do a choreographed dance, she has to really love it. Like a lot. Because if she’s just “meh” about it, there’s no going back from that. You’ve just crammed any hope of a relationship into your ass and fart-launched it into the sun.

Because your sickly, sweet, romantic art is your goddamn heart spilled out on paper. It’s throwing the biggest weapon you’ll ever have — and that’s an incredibly big, risky, and frankly stupid thing to do. Whether she likes it or not, you’ve just put her on the spot. It’s often embarrassing and uncomfortable … and why would you want to embarrass someone you like? That doesn’t get fun until marriage.

Martin Dimitrov/iStock “That doesn’t even look like me. Terrible.”

You want to try a real-life sickly sweet romantic gesture on a real human girl? Start small. Nothing big. Nothing intense. Nothing pledging undying love. Don’t blow your romantic wad on someone you haven’t actually dated yet (or worse: is in a relationship with someone else). Because that’s just awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.

The Freaking Generous Grand Gesture

A friend of mine had been dating Mr. Nice Guy for about a week when she made an offhand joke about needing a massage. To her shock, he showed up for their next date with a gift-wrapped exotic personal massager. I know a guy who paid a girl’s credit card bills before he’d taken her on a first date. I know another who decided a weeklong trip together at Disney World would be the perfect way to start a brand-new relationship — and he lives in Canada.

Nice people kick ass at grand gestures. But every single one of those relationships I mentioned ended up crashing and burning in a big ball of flames and humiliation. Because here’s the thing: Grand gestures — especially financial ones — are very uncomfortable and even just plain crazy to people who aren’t used to it.

Money makes people weird. It just does. Especially when everyone else shows up to a birthday party thinking a “hey” is all the occasion requires, and you walk in with a gift-wrapped Xbox.

Don’t you hate being around the kind of asshole who’s always showing off that he has more money than you? How about the slimy turd who’s always paying the bill but leaves you feeling like he’s running some creepy agenda? Those guys are movie punchlines, villains, or Richard Gere. Don’t start off a relationship looking like a bag of money who’s saving the prostitute.

The gut reaction to this is: “I’ve spent a lifetime being told I should pay for dates and now you’re telling me that women hate men who pay for things? So, basically I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t?”

No, I’m saying your big, grand gestures might be self-sabotaging. You want to pick up the check? Then try asking the object of your affection if they’re cool with it. Or “Hey, I was thinking of booking something really fancy for our first date. Is that cool with you, or would you rather do something low key?” Remember, there are two of you in this thing. You’ve got to think about what’s not going to make it uncomfortable for her.

If your intention is to impress her with a fancy night out, and she’s on board with that idea, it’s going to be awesome. If your intention is to make her feel like she owes you something in return, you’re not actually a nice guy — you’re just a piece of shit.

Showering Them With Time And Attention, All The Time … Non Stop

One of the worst things I ever did, back in my nice girl, Taylor Swift stage was try to charm my way into a hot guy’s heart by giving him a personalized version of that stalker classic song where the guy pledges to watch his beloved constantly, every step she takes, every move she makes, because she belongs to him. It failed. Oh, how it failed.

For most women, nothing is creepier than a guy who smothers her by wanting to be around her, all the time. Which is really bad news for nice guys, because wanting exactly that is in their nature. They click “like” on all of her social media posts. They offer to help her with work, hobbies, homework. They show up when she gets off work to give her a ride. Being everywhere she is, all the time, forever, quickly goes from “He seems sweet” to “Ugh! Leave me alone for two goddamn minutes” to “I’m calling the police.”

I know a chick who freaked out at a guy for liking all of her posts, on all of her social media accounts, the second she posted them (He’d set up a bunch of alerts). I know another girl who ran screaming from a nice guy when it became clear he changed his bus schedule in order to sit near her every day. Basically any time you find yourself arguing with someone you barely know about why she doesn’t text you more often, you can presume the little voice in her head is chanting, “Run, run, run, RUN!”

Seems harsh? Well, from a woman’s perspective there are way more creepy, controlling, possessive, asshole stalker dudes in the world than there are nice guys. How’s she supposed to know you’re not one of them? It’s important to know that this isn’t your fault … but if you overcorrect by being around nonstop to show her how much of a normal guy you are, you’re just cranking the volume on her stalker alarm.

The “I’m Just Trying To Protect You” Thing

The world is full of assholes and creeps, and from the perspective of nice guys, too many hot and interesting women gravitate toward them. If only the evildoers among us were unmasked and the pretty girl at the next desk really saw just how bad that guy is, she’d fall right into your arms. Or at the very least, you’d be saving her a world of hurt.

Look, I get it. It’s noble to want to rescue people. There’s a whole subgenre of angsty music dedicated to helping girls see that their boyfriend’s a dick and a douchebag, and you can’t believe she’s really going out with him because he doesn’t know anything about her because he isn’t what a prince and lover ought to be. Which can be very sweet and very caring. Sometimes. But honestly? It can also be patronizing as hell and extremely annoying, because basically what you’re saying to a fellow grown-ass human being is that you know better than her and she’s not smart enough to know what she’s gotten herself into. You’re telling her that by going out with that guy, she’s being duped. You might as well be shouting directly into her face, “Wake up, you fucking idiot!”

It comes in lots of forms: “Here’s all the dirt on the guy you’re dating. Here’s why he’s no good for you. If you were my girl, you’d be treated like a queen,” or “Please don’t do this thing I don’t like because it’s bad for you, and I want you to be healthy and happy,” or “Please don’t ruin yourself by screwing that guy, or getting that tattoo, or going to that college, or whatever.” All of that boils down to, “Hey girl! I know what you need better than you do!”

Whether you like it or not, she’s got a reason for doing whatever she’s doing. Sure, you can offer to weigh in as a friend. But be prepared that she might not want to hear your opinion and it’s likely to piss her off.

Her body, heart, future, and mind are her business. Those things belong to her. Not you. Forgetting that, or acting like she doesn’t make good decisions, or nagging her about her life after she’s told you to drop it, will make you look like an asshole and fast.

You care. You’re nice. But as much as you’re going to hate hearing this: Sometimes, being too nice really is the problem. And that brings me to the point that is going to sound like an alien language to nice guys …

You Avoid Confrontation At All Costs

Nice people don’t like fighting. They don’t like hurting people, so they don’t risk confrontation. Because of that, they often don’t say what they mean. They also don’t like rejection, so instead of just coming out and saying they’re interested in a person, they drop hints. Then they get frustrated and hurt when that person doesn’t catch on. Unfortunately, that all adds up to make you look like a petrified little kid.

If nice people are lucky enough to get into a relationship, they’ll do just about anything to keep it … which often means avoiding arguments. They won’t bring up what’s bothering them, especially if the source of that hurt (even unintentionally) is their significant other. Instead they hide it, ignore it, or sugar coat it for a REALLY long time, until they finally hit a breaking point, and it shoots out of their word hole like emotional projectile vomit. What should have been a simple, honest conversation turns into a huge blow-out argument.

Don’t do that.

Conflict and confrontation are a major part of relationships. You can’t ask her out if you can’t confront her. You can’t fix a fractured relationship if you don’t talk about the conflict. The important part is remembering that there’s a difference between “I’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering me” and “You’ve been a fucking bitch lately, and now it’s throw-down time!”

It’s terrifying — god knows I get that — but it’s necessary. You want to show a grand gesture of your love and commitment? This is the best way to do it. If the relationship has problems, talking about it (and, yes, even arguing about it) shows that you care enough to fix it. If you like the pretty girl, let her know in a straightforward, simple, and honest way. Remember, if she’s a nice girl, she’s probably just as terrified as you. But at least it won’t be because you came across as a creepy stalker freak show.

Mags writes books with kissing and ghosts in them. You can bother her on Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world-changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

Source: http://allofbeer.com/you-may-be-a-good-dude-but-heres-why-youre-single/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/06/20/you-may-be-a-good-dude-but-heres-why-youre-single/

0 notes

adambstingus · 6 years ago

Text

You May Be A Good Dude, But Here’s Why You’re Single

The Big Sickly Sweet Romantic Gesture

Get it wrong and you’ve just shot Cupid’s dick clean off.

pixdeluxe/iStock “I made a sand castle based on floor plans from your childhood home.”

Universal Pictures This is not love.

In real life, there are just so many ways to get it wrong.

Martin Dimitrov/iStock “That doesn’t even look like me. Terrible.”

The Freaking Generous Grand Gesture

Money makes people weird. It just does. Especially when everyone else shows up to a birthday party thinking a “hey” is all the occasion requires, and you walk in with a gift-wrapped Xbox.

Showering Them With Time And Attention, All The Time … Non Stop

The “I’m Just Trying To Protect You” Thing

You Avoid Confrontation At All Costs

Don’t do that.

Mags writes books with kissing and ghosts in them. You can bother her on Twitter.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/you-may-be-a-good-dude-but-heres-why-youre-single/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/175073121532

0 notes

allofbeercom · 6 years ago

Text

You May Be A Good Dude, But Here’s Why You’re Single

The Big Sickly Sweet Romantic Gesture

Get it wrong and you’ve just shot Cupid’s dick clean off.

pixdeluxe/iStock “I made a sand castle based on floor plans from your childhood home.”

Universal Pictures This is not love.

In real life, there are just so many ways to get it wrong.

Martin Dimitrov/iStock “That doesn’t even look like me. Terrible.”

The Freaking Generous Grand Gesture

Money makes people weird. It just does. Especially when everyone else shows up to a birthday party thinking a “hey” is all the occasion requires, and you walk in with a gift-wrapped Xbox.

Showering Them With Time And Attention, All The Time … Non Stop

The “I’m Just Trying To Protect You” Thing

You Avoid Confrontation At All Costs

Don’t do that.

Mags writes books with kissing and ghosts in them. You can bother her on Twitter.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/you-may-be-a-good-dude-but-heres-why-youre-single/

0 notes

cristinajourdanqp · 7 years ago

Text

Being Keto-Adapted Is One Helluva Ride!

It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

My name is Aaron. I’m 35-years-old. I live in the Lehigh Valley of PA where I am the only custom tailor. This is my story of how an innocent foray in LCHF (low carb, high fat) turned into a full blown keto lifestyle shift. What a journey it’s been and I’m only just getting started!

Ok, so let’s get the junk out of the way first. Last summer, I was freshly divorced. I had to move into a shoebox sized apartment where I fed myself a steady diet of ramen noodles, Captain Crunch, heavy imperial stouts, and copious amounts of sour candy….usually fueled by alcohol driven hunger and a new little appetite tweaker I discovered…cannabis and the munchies. It only took a few months of this type of living for me to feel incredibly sick.

When I wasn’t smoking, I was incredibly nauseous and couldn’t eat. So, I used cannabis to give myself the munchies so I didn’t feel like I was going to die. I found myself in a cycle that I didn’t like. I liked the weed, but I didn’t like the munchies. Was it the munchies or the bad food that was the problem? One night it just hit me….I hit the blunt and then thought to myself, “whoa, like maybe I should fix my diet.”

Brilliant revelation, right??

Rewind a few years back to when I was 25. I was in fairly decent shape and pretty lean. I worked out heavily and had the results to show for it. I won’t blame marriage for getting me fat, but I did indeed get fat once I got married. Steady typical SAD diet for the entire duration.

So, near the end of 2016 everyone is thinking about New Year’s resolutions to lose weight. I’m busy drinking, chasing women, and getting stoned—eating a ton of sugar and was nowhere near making that kind of resolution. I just didn’t believe I’d ever be that in-shape again. I tried working out again but it was unbearable. Geez, to even walk a few blocks on a 40 degree day made me sweat profusely so how the hell was I gonna be able to work out in a gym?! Do I just give up the booze for awhile? How about the weed? What about sugar? Admittedly, I was lost and a little hopeless but man did I love the taste of whipped cream in cappuccinos.

That got me thinking….

I had heard somewhere about adding fat to your diet and removing carbs, but from my earlier gym days, I just couldn’t make the connection. I was stuck rooted in the old, using exercise to lose weight and create a calories burned vs calories consumed thinking. Even though I never could piece together how that exactly worked, I was willing to give adding fats and cutting carbs a shot…

Enter my first foray into making bulletproof cappuccinos around mid February this year…

Delicious as ever. Never would’ve thought butter, coconut oil and stevia would taste so good in coffee. I was enjoying waking up every morning to one of these, but what surprised me was the longer period of time I could go before having to eat. I also noticed a few pounds gently slipping away and got curious…what if I add more butter to everything else? Started doing exactly that.

So, late February 2016 I was doing BP coffee every morning and butter loaded tomato soup (and crappy Campbells too!). My appetite went away, and I just let it. Little did I know that I was basically doing an intermittent fat fast. I was getting to a point where I was adding up to 6 tbsp of butter and oil plus frothed heavy cream AND egg yolks in the cappuccino but really had no idea if it was actually healthy or not, so I Googled “effects of eating too much butter” and landed on a forum post at, you guessed it, MDA.

I saw a 60-something ripped dude named Mark on the front page, plus a success story of an even older guy who was also ripped. The competitor in me thought, “Hey if these old dudes are ripped off whatever this diet is, then wtf is my excuse?!” So I read and read and read until I had the start of the puzzle completed in my mind. I knew I had to act.

Upon realizing that this was a whole foods diet, I knew I’d need to learn how to cook. What a mountain of learning that was. I went crazy. Purged my cupboards of all sugar, grains, and bad oils. Stopped eating out almost immediately and started cooking. Wow, to eat whole foods even fruits and not get violently sick to my stomach? Oh what a feeling.

By the end of March 2016, I had dropped nearly 45 lbs. My girlfriend left for a 2 week trip to Mexico in early March. She had noticed the weight loss but we had no idea what was actually happening. When she left early March, I was wearing 38s. When she got back I was in 34s.

I thought I was done there and, quite frankly, if that’s where my weight loss journey had stopped, I would’ve been quite content and proud of myself. Everyone around me was complimenting me and some even expressing concern that I was getting too thin too fast. I thought there was no such thing and I could still see good amounts of fat deposits that I would be happy to be without so I kept it up. More primal cooking and eating. I was on my way to becoming fat adapted and I wouldn’t be stopped!

I didn’t exercise once during the first 2 months. I was basically sedentary. I really didn’t have the energy to do anything but that changed pretty fast. I tried mountain biking again and felt like I was some kind of super human. However, the next few times I rode, I experienced really bad bonking and wondered what was going on. How did I have energy before but now I’m bonking periodically? I now know I was pushing too hard during the fat adaptation phase creating a demand for glucose….I used a bit of fruit to push through this.

By late April 2016, I was looking and feeling good but I was also plateaued. I could see more fat needed to come off but wondered why the BP coffee and whole foods diet wasn’t working as well. I researched more and discovered the power of real intermittent fasting.

I kicked out the BP coffee in place of lightly sweetened black coffee in the mornings then did a typical fast-breaking in the afternoon with a salad or eggs etc then a more legit meal later on in the evening. I also started sprinting.

By early summer I was wearing my jeans on an 80 degree day and realized that I wasn’t sweating hardly at all. The man that used to sweat on a 40 degree day was now borderline cold in the middle of the summer. Oh well, I saved on my AC bills and got over it. I also noticed that those jeans felt a little loose. I thought, “no way I’m actually in 32s now.” Sure enough, I was able to fit nicely into 32s. Lesson learned…when you’re on the keto weight loss slide, wait to buy a lot of new clothing.

By midsummer, I returned to my lifting habits. Thankfully, I had a base of knowledge on how to lift so I experienced results very quickly. My thinking during all of this was, “let’s see how low carb I can actually be without experiencing real fatigue.” In essence, I only wanted enough carbs as I possibly needed and not one gram more. I found myself able to ride my bike and lift with a fair amount of intensity…even in a fasted state!

By late summer (August 2017), I wondered again if it was just my new stretchy skinny fit 32s needed to be washed and dried to give them that tight-ish post dryer fit again or if, God forbid, my entire new stash of 32s was too big. Sure enough, I went and tried on a pair of 30s and whoa they fit! I figured since I can see feel my pelvic bones poking off the sides of my hips along with a full blown 6 pack looming to 8 pack abs (and also the total extinction of my ass) that I must be at that often desperately sought after “ideal body composition.” The ripped guy you see in the after pics was taken on that day.

BOOM! I knew I had arrived. I knew I was fat adapted. I had developed a system of food shopping and meal prep to fully support it. I knew my life from there on out would never be the same. Going Primal is one of the best decisions, if not the best decision, I have ever made for my personal health.

But….what about the ketogenic diet? I was very curious about it, but it seemed like a fringe version of primal to me and a lot of the recipes I looked up were loaded with strange ingredients that didn’t seem to be in line with a Primal way of eating. However, right around this exact time (about a month or so ago), I started seeing Mark posting a lot about keto and his own experiment with it. When the announcement came for the The Keto Reset Diet book, I knew I was on the right track.

The Keto Reset Diet was released on my birthday. I don’t like to read but I got it for free by starting up with Audible. Listening to the book gave me a much better understanding of how each of the various macros affect the brain and the body. I realized that my eating habits were pretty close to what was in the book so I decided then and there that I will likely stay in the “keto zone” for the rest of my life. I will be going in and out of keto for the purpose of maximizing metabolic efficiency. Wow…it seemed so crazy that it was even possible that I went from being a completely sick and depressed fat guy knowing nothing about food to a ripped fat- burning beast who’s not so bad in the kitchen in the span of half a year!

On my birthday, I posted the before and afters to my Instagram and announced that I would be adding keto-based weightloss consulting to my services as a tailor. I have a lot of fat clients who have no time but lots of money, so why not monetize my experience, make money off of helping them lose the weight and make even more money selling them new clothing?! As if I wasn’t niched out enough…

So there ya have it. Now I’m off to the keto races, and I think I’ll change a few lives and get a little richer while I’m on the way there. Yes, that means I signed up to become a Primal Health Coach.

Here are a few bullet points of the positives and negatives I have experienced along the way plus a few tips:

Positives: – Way more energy – Much better sleep – Obvious improvements to physique and exercise performance – Super speedy recovery times and no jet lag! – Effortless appetite management – Ability to fast for 24, 48, or even 72 hours…at will – Radically improved cognition – No more depression – The tug of other “addictive behaviors” significantly reduced. In fact, I quit drinking permanently on August 1st of this year. – I still partake in cannabis consumption regularly and indulge in the munchies right along with it….guilt free! It plays well with this diet!

Negatives: – Getting fat and losing weight is expensive. The food replacements, cooking equipment, and time spent figuring it all out and dialing in how much to buy and eat was a costly endeavor top to bottom. – I completely rendered a large custom wardrobe useless and had to replace all of it. So will you. – I’m definitely one of those annoying health nuts now and have had to figure out all kinds of social behaviors to manage the awkwardness. – There really aren’t many other negatives.

Tips: – Read The Keto Reset Diet – Let the diet do the work. Stay low and slow and don’t try to exercise too hard until you’re ready especially in the beginning. You will feel the energy surging through you but ignore it for a while and take it easy. – Get your macros right and don’t slouch on green veggies, salt and other minerals. – Watch your protein intake. No need to raise it to the roof. – “Fake Keto” recipes out there for replacing common comfort foods usually using high amounts of dairy and almond/coconut flour and fruit are only for the truly fat-burning, keto-adapted, carb-tolerant beasts among us. Do yourself a favor and go therapeutic keto from the start with proper macros and fats from mainly animal sources. Eat those greens! – Ditch the artificial sweeteners and train out sweet tastes from your palate at least for awhile. – Fasting protocols maybe work better for men. Women might want to start eating proper macros and let the brain/body do the work before getting into IF protocols (just my opinion). – Sprint while fasted to bust plateaus. – Got the keto flu? Eat some avocados or supplement with apple cider vinegar, pink sea salt, and cream of tartar (high potassium) mixed in water. Then get over it and go sprint. – Stop waiting and get on board the keto train! Being keto-adapted is one helluva ride!

Aaron H.

0 notes

fishermariawo · 7 years ago

Text

Being Keto-Adapted Is One Helluva Ride!

Brilliant revelation, right??

That got me thinking….

Enter my first foray into making bulletproof cappuccinos around mid February this year…

Here are a few bullet points of the positives and negatives I have experienced along the way plus a few tips:

Aaron H.

0 notes

milenasanchezmk · 7 years ago

Text

Being Keto-Adapted Is One Helluva Ride!

Brilliant revelation, right??

That got me thinking….

Enter my first foray into making bulletproof cappuccinos around mid February this year…

Here are a few bullet points of the positives and negatives I have experienced along the way plus a few tips:

Aaron H.

0 notes

watsonrodriquezie · 7 years ago

Text

Being Keto-Adapted Is One Helluva Ride!

Brilliant revelation, right??

That got me thinking….

Enter my first foray into making bulletproof cappuccinos around mid February this year…

Here are a few bullet points of the positives and negatives I have experienced along the way plus a few tips:

Aaron H.

0 notes

cynthiamwashington · 7 years ago

Text

Being Keto-Adapted Is One Helluva Ride!

Brilliant revelation, right??

That got me thinking….

Enter my first foray into making bulletproof cappuccinos around mid February this year…

Here are a few bullet points of the positives and negatives I have experienced along the way plus a few tips:

Aaron H.

(function($) { $("#dfFhzWK").load("http://ift.tt/2irt1r9" ); })( jQuery );

The post Being Keto-Adapted Is One Helluva Ride! appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Article source here:Marks’s Daily Apple

0 notes

type2diabetestreatments-blog · 8 years ago

Text

Ask D'Mine: Treating a Diabetic "Junkie," and Considering "Insulinotropic" Foods

New Post has been published on http://type2diabetestreatment.net/diabetes-mellitus/ask-dmine-treating-a-diabetic-junkie-and-considering-insulinotropic-foods/

Ask D'Mine: Treating a Diabetic "Junkie," and Considering "Insulinotropic" Foods

Need help navigating life with diabetes? Ask D'Mine! That would be our weekly advice column, hosted by veteran type 1, diabetes author and community educator Wil Dubois. This week, Wil takes on the issues of doctors seeing "junkies" rather than patients struggling with addiction, and the insulinotropic effect of certain foods on PWDs.

Got your own questions? Email us at [email protected]

Anonymous from Alabama, type 2, writes: I was diagnosed 5 months ago with type 2 diabetes. I assume I've had it for a few years, but I have no insurance and didn't realize how dangerous it really is. I'm now reading a lot more and I'm terrified. My feet and hands are numb most days. Fatigue is a mild word. I finally got in a community free clinic and I'm on 2000 mg metformin a day and was on 15 units of Lantus. I had to stop taking Lantus because it seemed to be making me have withdrawals from the methadone I've been on for five years. Extreme diet change has lowered my numbers a lot, but the doctor seems to be not as concerned as I am, and this really bothers me. And I can't seem to get much info about the methadone and the insulin. Any info you could give, or where or what to do next, or any insight into my situation? Thanks, I'm worried.

Wil@Ask D'Mine answers: It's OK to be worried. Fear can be a healthy emotion, so long as it doesn't rule the day. And, hey, I'm proud of you. You got yourself into a clinic—better late than never—you've made extreme diet changes, you're reading up on your diabetes and you're asking questions!

As to your doctor, well, I'm not so proud of him. I think you might have gotten one of the bad ones. Most docs at free clinics are pretty awesome people who are drawn to helping people in the greatest need. Let's face it, no doc works at a free clinic for the money—this kind of work is among the lowest-paying in medicine.

That said, and there's no delicate way to say this, so bear with me... I think he might see something different when he looks at you than what I see. I'll go first. When I look at you (well, at your email—but I can "see" a great deal in the words people place on a page), I see someone who's had a pretty hard road. I see someone who's suffering a great deal, but trying to improve her lot in life. I see a fellow PWD. Hell, I just see a fellow human being.

And that's good enough for me.

Your doc, however, sees something else. He looks at you and sees a junkie. Long-term use of methadone is sometimes used to treat chronic pain, but is usually used to treat opiate addictions. A methadone prescription is a red flag. In fact, just like your doc, I'm actually going to assume that's why you are taking it; but unlike your doc, I'm not going to judge you for it. For some reason, some really great docs get hung up over drug use and, like the Grinch, their hearts suddenly shrink. I've seen some pretty open-minded providers act really strangely around IV drug users. So when I read your email I found myself wondering if your doc was really listening to you or if he'd gotten hung up over your past with his brain stuck in a stupid loop about "so she had money for heroin, but couldn't be bothered to pay for her health care, I'm not going to waste my time..."

That's #@$%& BS! I say to your doctor: If you can't accept everyone, regardless of their faults, as worthy of the same treatment, then you don't belong in medicine. The door is over there. Please leave, we have enough real challenges to solve without those kinds of attitudes. I'm sure you'll do just fine in politics.

So I spent most of my spare time the last few weeks trying to see what's known and not known about methadone and Lantus. The answer: not much.

In fact, about all I could find were two reports of photosensitivity in women over 50; and one report of "chills" in a 60-year-old man. Now chills might sound a bit like your "withdrawals." And if it happened to one other person, it sure as hell could have happened to you, too.

The solution? Well, based on my field experience, I've found the various insulins we have to play with are a lot more different than apples and oranges. We tend to think of Lantus and Levemir like we think of Tide and Cheer: hey, the brands are different, but they both clean your clothes. And while it's true that the glucose response profile of the two basal insulins is pretty much the same, they couldn't be made any more differently. Hell, they aren't apples and oranges so much as watermelons and papayas. People who have some sort of oddball trouble with one often do fine on the other. And don't forget we have the old-fashioned NPH as an option, too.

My advice? Go back to your clinic, but ask to see another provider. Look the white coat straight in the eye and be honest about your past and passionate about your future. Be clear about your here-and-now fears. Then ask to try a different insulin, and see if it plays better with your methadone.

Oh, and don't vote for your old doc if you see he is running for Congress.

Paul from Georgia, type 1, writes: I have recently read about foods like milk and wheat causing increased secretion of insulin (insulinotropic effect) above the insulin needed for the carbs in the food. This fact is used to conclude that products containing these ingredients be used sparingly, if at all, in an attempt to prevent obesity and type 2 diabetes. The reason being that these foods cause an overproduction of insulin that leads to storage of excessive carbs as fat. My question is as a type 1 with a negative c-peptide is: will eating these foods have the same effect? My guess is unless they cause a glucose rise above the carb content that I gave a bolus for, there will be no extra insulin unless I give extra insulin.

Wil@Ask D'Mine answers: Well, first off, you and I must be reading different journals, because I haven't seen nor could I find anyone worrying about insulinotropic foods causing weight gain. In fact, just the opposite may be true—they're being heralded as the next great thing in diabetes treatment, and some people think they may even help prevent obesity.

But let's back up and give all our readers some background. Then we'll dissect the issue you read about a little more and I'll take a crack at your question. As you said, insulinotropic is just a fancy-pants cocktail party word for something that causes insulin production. And it's been a known mystery for a number of years that different proteins have different "insulinotropic properties," meaning that they trigger insulin production independent of their glycemic index; the exact opposite of what logic would suggest. WTF?

Back in 2004, a team of Swedish researchers singled out milk as being the most unusual in this regard. After much study the smoking gun was proven to be whey protein, which makes up around 20% of milk's protein (but a whopping 60% of the protein in human breast milk, "food" for thought). Why whey kicks the body in the pancreas more than you'd expect, given its carb count, remains a mystery to this day.

But, but, but: just because it induces the body to produce more insulin than the glycemic index would suggest, doesn't mean it's making your body produce more insulin than it needs. In fact, the extra squirt of insulin from whey has been shown to greatly reduce blood sugar spikes after meals. So much so, that mixing whey into high carb meals has been shown to have a medicinal effect in type 2s. In other words, a natural insulin secretagogue. (One study added whey to a meal of mashed potato and Swedish meatballs, which I find ironic given the original whey discovery came from Swedish researchers.)

Over the last few years, there has been much ongoing research that, quoting another study, "dietary interventions represent a promising therapeutic strategy to optimize postprandial glycemica." Whey as medicine for all that ails you.

In a stretch, I suppose I could see your point about extra insulin moving the carbs into fat storage, but leaving the extra carbs in the blood moves the type 2 into the dialysis center. I don't think these foods are likely to cause greater weight gain because of the extra insulin, nor do I think type 2s should avoid them only out of fear of weight gain. I think anyone who is worried about weight should focus more on eating less, and less on what they are eating. And just to muddy the waters, I'm seeing a lot of research actually supporting whey as an anti-obesity agent, rather than a trigger for weight gain. This has led to whey becoming a popular food supplement, especially for the for body building crowd. It's seen as agent of muscle growth and fat reduction, but like many food supplements, we are lacking in solid science behind this particular claim.

But as to you, my insulin-deficient friend, you're right. An insulinotropic food will not bring your dead beta cells back to life. An insulinotropic substance needs an insulin-producing body to act on.

However, your question raises another: If the "normally" functioning human body produces more insulin for whey than you'd expect it to need... why is that? Frankly, the body tends to know what it's doing. Even though the glycemic index of foods with whey shouldn't demand more insulin, the body provides it, and apparently with good results.

Maybe we should all consider a whey bolus.

This is not a medical advice column. We are PWDs freely and openly sharing the wisdom of our collected experiences — our been-there-done-that knowledge from the trenches. But we are not MDs, RNs, NPs, PAs, CDEs, or partridges in pear trees. Bottom line: we are only a small part of your total prescription. You still need the professional advice, treatment, and care of a licensed medical professional.

Disclaimer: Content created by the Diabetes Mine team. For more details click here.

Disclaimer

This content is created for Diabetes Mine, a consumer health blog focused on the diabetes community. The content is not medically reviewed and doesn't adhere to Healthline's editorial guidelines. For more information about Healthline's partnership with Diabetes Mine, please click here.

Type 2 Diabetes Treatment Type 2 Diabetes Diet Diabetes Destroyer Reviews Original Article

0 notes