#Bust'e'run

[doryishness]

Prepping myself for this years NaNo, by writing drabbles of my swtor OCs and friend’s.  Please forgive all the spelling and grammar errors - I was/am very stoned while writing this and was just trying to reach the word count. Summary: Buster is grief stricken and alone to deal with his comrade Jurella’s brutal death by the republic. But he’s not alone as he thinks.

It wasn’t her. It wasn’t Jurella. It could never be her. The brutally assaulted body in front of him could never be his vainglorious comrade. He swallowed the hard lump in his throat and gave a brief nod to the medical examiner across from him. His eyes burned but no tears would come. He was far past that. With her…the last of his fortitude was gone. The boot smashed face and slit throat surrounded by dirty disarrayed black hair was mercifully recovered by the examiner. Sound faded and his vision glazed over as he tonelessly answered the procedural questions in identifying her body. He could hear himself talking, but what he said he would never know. All he could think of was that he was that he was completely and utterly alone. He had never felt so cold before. His homeland and all other ice planets he had been on in his life were tropical paradises compared to the numbing he felt down to his marrow.

“Sir?” The medical examiner startled him out of his revere and he snapped his eyes up, locking onto the examiner. “I asked who shall receive her remains?”

“Her fam- I will deliver them to her family.” Buster responded mutedly. He tried to think of the details needed to take the white covered body back to their home world, but all he could think about was last time he had seen her alive. Iokath. The cursed planet. He should have let the planet be destroyed along with Scorpio. Then none of this would have ever happened. Empire and Republic wouldn’t have clashed on and over the forsaken planet, and he wouldn’t have lost everyone he loved to the Republic on it.

It was getting harder to breath. The Empire and Ascendency meant nothing to him. But he had been fighting the Republic all his life. He couldn’t just change that. But without even conferring with him or anyone else, Slaffid had immediately allied with the Republic. The man he had begrudgingly come to see as a friend and confidante…had made the choice for him before even letting him speak. To side with the enemies he had known since he was born against his past life and loyalties.

It had only hurt worse from there. Reeling from Slaffid’s decision and the immediate escalation into war, his beloved husband, the only man he thought he could love, had defected to the Republic as well. He must have known that Buster would object; would want to talk about it first – so Noxass had simply left him without a word. Simply vanished as if he were a force ghost. Buster struggled to take in a breath, the weight of the hurt so heavy on his chest.Everyone he had loved: Dolphelia he had anticipated and expected. His meek adopted sister was much more suited for the healing lifestyle of a simple jedi then a lord of the sith. He didn’t begrudge her for taking her son and husband and fleeing to the less terrorizing Republic. He knew that she would be safe and protected there and even thrive, but her apology had still hurt him. He closed his eyes, remembering her tear-rimmed eyes pleading to come with them, and then begging his forgiveness for her choice. He could still feel the softness of her forehead when he had kissed her goodbye, murmuring that she had nothing to apologize for, that she was finally free and he simply wished for her happiness. Only Dolphila and Slaffid begged him to join the Republic with them. Ixaci – his dotty cybernetic adopted sister – had merely sneered at Slaffid’s announcement, spat some mandoa insult at him, given a rude gesture and strode from the area on the spin on her heel. When he had gone to find her after he finished reeling from the news himself, he found that she had simply left the planet in her ship. Nothing said to him at all. He had tried to get her by holo dozens of times, but she refused to answer. Normally her eccentric behavior and oft radio silence didn’t bother him, but he was blind-sided and growing increasingly desperate for some answers and stability as his world started to crumble beneath his feet.He had then tried to seek out the youngest of his squad, the shoeless sniper who loved his mouse droids. But Elmer too was gone. The only thing left in his place on their ship was a datapad with a single word programed in. SORRY.

“I’ll leave you alone to say goodbye.” The medical examiner said with professional sympathy. Buster nodded mutely, and the examiner left the room.

Buster finally broke the breath he had been holding and sucked in a ragged gasp, vision refocusing once more. Iokath had broken the ground beneath his feet and left him scrabbling for answers that were unclear. But Jurella had remained with him. She had been the only anchor as his world fell to darkness. Buster reached a trembling hand to slide along the cold metal table until his fingers bumped into her sheet covered ones.  “By the stars, I’m going to miss you, you bitch.” He croaked in a whisper. He bit the inside of his lip, swallowing another hard lump as his red eyes burned with unshed tears. He had often butted heads with her the most of his team, only slightly less than with Slaffid but he had never predicted losing her as well, after everyone else. He gritted his teeth, trying to block the wave of memories trying to flood his mind.

His team had come on such a journey. From meeting his husband, to banding together, to battling to the controller that had tried to use them for his own sick gains; they had stuck together like glue, despite all obstacles and heartache thrown at them. He had thought nothing could tear them apart. How wrong he was.The Republic on Iokath…and then the whole planet, would burn. He would find who had so brutally murdered Jurella and then they would pay. And after that, he would destroy Iokath. His fingers clenched into a fist and he punched the metal table next to her hand.

Pain radiated up his arm but it was nothing compared to the ache in his head and heart. Friends...no, he had considered them all family if he was truly honest with himself, had all left him. The grief and despondency was nothing compared to the dull ache he could feel in the bones of his hand.  Physical pain meant nothing to him – he had been tortured so many times that his body could resist it. But nothing could ease a broken heart. He punched the table harder, placing both fists on the table next to her body and hung his head, eyes closing. What he would give to be able to talk to any of his loved ones again. To go back to how things had been before this accursed planet.  Memories tried to creep in and he shook his head furiously. He wouldn’t think of the missions and operations he and his team had taken on for Slaffid.  He wouldn’t think of the times that he had been back to back to the Republic Hero, Leader of Havoc Squad and Breaker of the Battle at Corellia. He wouldn’t think of his sisters and the time they had spent growing up on Ziost, all trapped in a miserable situation since childhood but had bonded together to survive until the chance to leave had presented itself.

Damnit…he punched the table a third time. His knuckles ached and were started to bruise as he squeezed his eyes closed harder. He was so focused on suppressing all the emotions inside that he didn’t hear anyone enter until a hand gently rested on his shoulder. Eyes flying open, Buster peered over his shoulder. Zoni was behind him, arm outstretched and he squeezed Buster’s shoulder briefly. The other chiss’s eyes were sad but understanding. They held each other’s gaze for a moment before Buster’s eyes closed again and he dropped his head again, heaving a deep sigh.He felt Zoni step closer and another reassuring squeeze. Swallowing the lump of a sob that threatened to burst forth, Buster reached up to gently grab the hand on his shoulder, grasping Zoni’s fingers. They stood there in silence for several minutes, Zoni patient as Buster fought his emotions under control. Finally, with a deep shuddering breath, Buster drew himself up straight and turned around to face his fellow chiss.

“Lord Zoni. You honor me. Forgive my sentiment.” Buster greeted him with a gravelly voice.  He still held Zoni’s fingers in his hand on his shoulder, reluctant to let go.

Zoni rolled his eyes but then smiled sadly. “I know you two were close.  I’m sorry for your loss.” The House Inrokini noble stepped closer, until he and Buster were toe to toe. “If there is anything I can do…” The handsome ascendancy agent tilted his head, studying Buster’s face. “I mean it.”The demons that haunted Buster whispered cruelly to him not to trust Zoni, to let the attractive man go and destroy himself in grief in private, but the warm and comforting smile Zoni was giving him prompted to break his stone cold act. Tears still wouldn’t come, he would never let them but he couldn’t stop himself from stepping closer to Zoni and wrapping his arms around his middle. It surprised both men. Both were known for their stoicism in public, being the ideal agent and soldiers and in Zoni’s case, noble. But after a moment’s hesitation, Zoni’s arms wrapped around Buster’s shoulders. Buster dropped his face to bury in Zoni’s shoulder and breathe in the noble’s scent.

They were never coming back. He had been left and abandoned by those that he had loved. He would still love them no matter what. And although he would never admit the irrational hurt and anger, all he wished was he had a chance to speak to them one last time and get closure. But in Zoni’s arms, warmth started to seep beneath his skin, chasing away the icy loneliness and for that he was grateful beyond expression.