#Blame Kitty Pride for this....she's the one that gave her this knowledge...

[marveledheroines]

“I have found just the right amount of thwip to tilt paintings from a distance...”

[unlikely-rwby-aus]

Good Luck For The Bad Omens

(Dedicated to Cleo)

It started soon after the whole group had finished in Haven.

Qrow went to have a training session with Ruby, as they had been doing since he recovered from his poisoning. Mainly because Ruby wanted to be better at fighting around him, and despite his protests about her getting hurt, she showed unusual sharpness in her winning argument: as it was, fighting alongside him was dangerous, but it could both better her reflexes and intuition, and make her more used should a situation put them together in a battle.

'Heh, little scamp sure was good for a leader.'

A week before departing for Argus, Qrow was having another training session with Ruby. He went earlier to the training hall, a room filled with various equipment for all kinds of training, in order to get the placeready for a sparring fight. When he got there, Blake was already occupying it.

She was by herself, running and jumping from obstacle to obstacle in every way she could. Qrow recognized the training regime. It was aimed towards raising agility and sense of balance - perfect for her, he guessed. He used the same one in Beacon.

However, just as he entered, a wooden beam broke in two under Blake's foot.

Qrow made a grimace. There it was, his Semblance yet again hurting others. At least it was nothing serious this time. He could try and be a gentleman about it.

"You okay, kid?" Walking towards Blake, the alcoholic in him momentarily thought of offering her a drink as an apology. He decided against it, if only because he only had his flask on him.

Blake's reaction made him want to take a few swigs himself.

It wasn't a major thing. Her ears suddenly shot up, and she raised her head to look at him. Her bright amber eyes were a bit wider-opened than usual. Her muscles tensed a bit. It could've been just embarrassment from the graceless fall.

"Y-eah, I'm fine. Glad I don't have a tail as a Faunus feature." Her voice sounded stable enough, but Qrow couldn't miss the small note of... fear? Apprehension? The afformentioned embarrassment? He couldn't tell. It was justified, whatever she was feeling in that moment.

"Sorry about that, my Semblance acts up at the worst times."

"Your... Semblance?"

Ruby hadn't told her? Weird. Maybe she didn't find a good moment.

"My Semblance causes bad luck to happen around me. It activates on its own, though I can spike it up even more. Usually bad things happen when I'm around." He gave the regular spiel. It was the shortest h could get it without glossing over important details.

"Bad luck... people say black cats bring that. If you can't control it, don't apologize. It's not worth it to blame yourself for something you can't control."

Qrow immediately recognized those words. His sister, his brother-in-law and Summer had all said those exact lines.

Fate's decisions are not your fault.

Don't blame yourself for being born with a Semblance.

Don't apologise for something out of your control.

He had heard them enough times. Logically, he knew they were correct. On a deeper level he didn't believe them. They were wrong on one point - it was his fault. It was his Semblance and his responsibility. And the best he could do was warn those around him.

"Even so, sorry for the timing."

Blake looked at him for a second, as if considering something. Then she shook her head.

"Apology accepted, then. Do you need the room?"

"Yeah, me and Rub-"

Speak of the Beowolf, and it'll break down the doors to get to you. "Hey, Uncle Qrow, hey Blake!"

"Hi Ruby." Blake waved back at Ruby's enthusiasm.

"What's up, kid?"

"Yang dragged me along on a shopping trip earlier, so what do you say to skipping stretching and going at it today?" Ruby seemed excited. Maybe she wanted to show her uncle off to Blake?

Well, why not indulge her?

"...Just this time."

"Yes! Come on!"

The fight was a good one. Ruby was motivated, even more so than usual. Probably because Blake was watching.

At least, she had sat down to watch when they began. She was gone by the time they finished. And while he was concentrated on the fight, he was surprised he didn't detect her exiting.

She was probably worried about his Semblance. Good.

The next few days it continued on like that. Whenever possible, Blake would go into another room, or avoid eye contact.

It was a familiar scene - especially once someone felt the effects of his Semblance. He was used to it. Didn't hurt any less.

Then came the actual train ride.

There it was again. His bad luck, fucking everyone over.

Then his beliefs basically went down the drain. His trust was betrayed.

And again.

Then Brunswick Estate and the cart.

Once again.

He gave up, finding solace in the one friend that wouldn't leave - and it's siblings in the bar room.

Even in his drunken state, he could notice Blake escaping from his vicinity.

'Smart girl.' She had the right idea, with how he was gonna be.

Keep away, I just bring trouble.

He was glad there were no problems on the way to Argus. He still noticed how she was keeping her distance.

'She's even more insistent in keeping away than most.' It's why he was noticing. Most others didn't put this much effort into avoiding him.

He knew the lack of bad luck wouldn't last. But he was glad for it's lack while it lasted.

Then Oscar disappeared. He couldn't give a shit. He would sooner or later be Ozpin anyways, and Ozpin betrayed him. He was as good as gone to Qrow.

He felt the glares. He knew which was from Ruby, which was from Yang. The cold one was likely likely Schnee the Third.

He also felt feline eyes on him. He'd gotten used to it. She usually stared as she exited. Anger there was different.

Well, fuck it. Still angry at him, big deal in what way.

He didn't want to be in the house. Bar was nearby. Cheap. Did the trick.

Next he woke up, he was being hauled up the stairs. Probably didn't make it inside.

Fuck this headache. Fuck hangovers.

Another set of glares. They were the same as earlier. No, wait, one was now pity- and then it was gone. Kitty seemed disinterested this time.

Oscar was back. Guess the bar was a good idea, kept his bad luck away. He should consider leavin- no, Ruby still needed him. They all needed an adult. Ozpin was useless. The Cotta-Arcs weren't huntresses.

"We... steal an Atlas Bullhead?"

Qrow did not like that idea.

Too much risk.

And he'd be too close.

But they decided upon it. That was the chosen plan.

Gods, Ruby seemed so grown-up. When did she manage it? Was what he told her about the milk helping her grow true in more ways than one?

Whatever it was, she was now an adult. Or at least, about as mature as one could get.

'She'll not need me anymore.'

Just this last effort. He could help her one last tim-

He shouldn't have. He should've disappeared as soon as possible. Now even Blake was caught by his bad luck.

FUCKING AGAI-

...

"...When did you grow up so good?"

"I had a great mentor."

He had to get himself up. He made this mess. He was gonna help fix it.

Blake and Yang were back. Thank the twins.

They were allowed passage. His Semblance was taking a break.

So Blake and Yang ran into Adam Taurus. He'd been after them from the beginning. He didn't notice him.

'Gods, I'm really useless. I need to cut the drinks.'

His bad luck had gone into overdrive. Just for Blake. She lost her weapon. She was put through her whole past. Almost watched Yang get killed.

Gods, she had taken a life. He had really fucked her up with his bad luck.

And she seemed to realise it. She stood the farthest she could from him in the small space of the Bullhead.

Then they got caught in Mantle.

For fuck's sake, I did it again-

----------------------------------------------------

It started soon after the whole group had finished in Haven.

Blake was going through her training routine. She was dealing with it well. The recent victories left her feeling calm.

She finally dealt with Adam. He wouldn't bother her anymore. Not for a long while at least.

She heard footsteps. Someone probably wanted to use the training equipment.

She was at the end anyways. Just the last beam-

She yelped as it separated into two under her. She fell on her bottom, but she was practically untouched. Maybe aside from her pride.

"You okay, kid?"

She froze up, then relaxed. Same words. Different person. She recognized Qrow's voice.

"Y-eah, I'm fine. Glad I don't have a tail as a Faunus feature." She mentally slapped herself. She didn't relax fast enough. Play it off as embarrassment-

"Sorry about that, my Semblance acts up at the worst times."

Her ears perked up. What was his Semblance again?

"Your... Semblance?"

He looked a bit surprised she didn't know. Was it common knowledge? He was a famous Huntsman. Maybe it was? She didn't follow on the gossip of famous Huntsmen.

"My Semblance causes bad luck to happen around me. It activates on its own, though I can spike it up even more. Usually bad things happen when I'm around." The explanation sounded trained. He likely explained it often.

"Bad luck... people say black cats bring that. If you can't control it, don't apologize. It's not worth it to blame yourself for something you can't control." She recited one of the many stereotypes she was given. Then she recited what she told herself.

His actions are not your fault.

Don't blame yourself for not stopping him.

Don't apologise for Adam.

She had said them enough times. Logically, she knew they were correct. On a deeper level she didn't believe them. They were wrong on one point - it was her responsibility. She knew what he was like, but she helped him. She didn't stop him. She wasn't strong enough to defeat him. And the best she could do now was warn those around her of what he was capable of.

"Even so, sorry for the timing."

Blake looked at the older man again. The earlier impression of Adam faded more. Adam never apologised. Qrow was looking for a way to blame himself.

"Apology accepted, then. Do you need the room?"

"Yeah, me and Ruby-"

Speak of the Beowolf and it'll break your door down. "Hey, Uncle Qrow! Hey Blake!"

"Hi Ruby." Blake waved back at Ruby's enthusiasm.

"What's up, kid?"

"Yang dragged me along on a shopping trip earlier, so what do you say to skipping stretching and going at it today?" Ruby seemed excited. Maybe she wanted to show her uncle off to Blake?

Well, she probably had a lot to show off.

"...Just this once."

"Yes! Come on!"

The fight left her shaken.

Qrow fought like Adam. They were too similar. The image faded back more clearly over him. She left soon after. Once she saw the Aura strike, it was too much for her.

Whenever she looked at Qrow after that, it was Adam she saw. Sometimes she didn't need to look at the veteran Huntsman to see Adam. Between the train carts, he faded into existence for a second. He looked different. He didn't wear his mask.

'That's my ribbon.'

Then she saw him outside the shed at Brunswick Farm.

'He's not there.'

Then Qrow started drinking. She couldn't remember ever seeing Adam drink. She could remember him grinning weirdly despite the state of some gruesome situations.

She continued avoiding Qrow and not looking at him.

Once they could move, she tried not too look at Qrow.

Then Oscar disappeared and everyone got worried. Qrow didn't care. She saw Adam again. He didn't care about the White Fang.

She saw him again later, asleep on the stairs. She couldn't see Adam in that state. She only felt pity. Recent events resurfaced the image over Qrow again. She looked away.

Then Oscar was back. She momentarily forgot about the veteran Huntsman.

"We... steal an Atlas Bullhead...?"

Blake thought she was hallucinating again.

Qrow argued. She looked at him again. She saw Adam, arguing over logistics.

They chose that plan.

Qrow looked at Ruby. Blake recognised the look as the one her father gave her many times back at Menagerie. A look of "She's grown so much".

The image of Adam paled out just a little bit.

Then it became all too real at the comm tower.

He's after me and the others. He'll destroy everything I love.

Then she felt her blade sink into his heart.

She killed him. It was over. He wasn't going to threaten her again.

The others were safe.

They were allowed passage.

Relief washed over her like a hot shower.

She still kept her distance from Qrow. She could still see, hear, smell, feel Adam over him. She had just killed him, and yet he was still influencing her.

Mantle gave her other worries. She remembered she was still a Faunus.

It's not my fault-

--------------------------------------------

Qrow couldn't quite believe their current situation. Working with the AceOps in an old Dust mine. Great.

Wonder how long till my Semblnace makes it all collapse-

Not long enough. Sentries caused a collapse.

Fucking again-

"This is my fault. Me and my stupid Semblance. Again."

Ruby and the others were alright. On the other side of a collapsed tunnel.

He was stuck with Blake. The girl so unnerved by his bad luck Semblance she made sure to avoid him whenever she could.

She was doomed, and it was all his fault.

------------------------------------------------

Blake couldn't comprehend the situation. Working with the AceOps in an old Dust mine. She could feel the negativity of the Faunus workers. She hoped the Grimm would be too occupied with the old negativity to feel her ow-

Then she saw a tail. A cut off one.

Another victim-

Her negative emotions beat the ones in the mines. Sentries caused a collapse.

"No, it's mine. If I had kept my emotions in check-"

I was too weak again-

----------------------------------

"What are ya talking about? There's no way you can cause enough negativity to beat that of these caves."

Me and my damn Semblance-

----------------------------------

"You're Semblance isn't to blame for everything bad that happens, it's my incompetence that attracted the Grimm to us."

If I was only stronger-

----------------------------------

"Your "incompetence" boils down to you caring about people you've literally met only partially-

Bad choice of words-

----------------------------------

"...Was that an attempt at a pun? Yang would punch you for that one."

Joking at a time like this, what was she doing-

----------------------------------

"A friendly punch to the arm, probably. She loves those. Should've been a better a better uncle."

But I'm doing my best by being away with small visits, they're safer that way-

----------------------------------

"She did. Haven't heard her make one since she lost her arm."

She lost it because of me-

----------------------------------

"Nah, she was not too serious before you came back. She arm wrestled with it and joked around about "vibration functions"."

She grew up fine-

----------------------------------

"...Heh. Wouldn't be surprised if she added suck a thing. She always looked for a way to make me laugh."

I'm always in a bad mood-

----------------------------------

"She's lucky to have someone as caring as you as a partner. Good thing my Semblance didn't affect her there."

Definitely didn't help her at the Fall-

----------------------------------

"No, she isn't. She deserves someone stronger. She's lucky to have such a nice uncle, not a partner like me."

I'm just dead weight half the time-

----------------------------------

"I'm a bad luck charm. She'd be luckier without me-"

"There it is again!"

"What?"

"You're blaming your Semblance for everything bad in the universe! Would she really be luckier without you when she went out to search for her mother?"

"...So she told you that story? She was only six then, so I was practically forced to watch over her. Now, though? She's better off without me. Maybe she'll keep all her limbs by the end of this. Woth you by her side it's practically guaranteed. She trusts you a lot."

"...She shouldn't. I've always let people down. Running away was just one way I did so. I had one job - don't attract the Grimm. Should've been easy here, and I still managed to fail at it. I'm just gonna get us all killed-"

"If you're this worried about it you're already well on your way to never do it. Unlike me. The only way they'll all be safe is without me around-"

"Now you're just saying what I was thinking when I ran after the Fall of Beacon. Let me tell you what I learned in that time - these people care about you. Disappearing will only hurt them further. They'll be in danger anyways with their career choice, so you got to be there for them to help protect them."

Qrow watched her for a few seconds.

Then he gave a small smile and looked away.

"You say that, but you don't believe it."

"I do-"

"The way you've been avoiding me ever since I told you my Semblance speaks otherwise."

Blake quieted down.

"I know you're trying to make me feel better. But you're avoiding me, keeping away so you're not hit by my Semblance. But you did get hit. You're ex decided to attack you. So long as I'm around, this is just gonna keep happening. What's next? Your ears get cut of-"

"STOP IT!"

Qrow was rarely yelled at. It was a good method to shit him up.

"What Adam did was his choice. His intent. It has nothing to do with your Semblance! And I'm not avoiding you-"

"You're not exactly sneaky enough. I could feel you staring. You were always watching my movements if you had to stay in the same room. How is that not avoiding me?"

"...Your Semblance isn't why I was avoiding you. You reminded me too much of him."

Qrow took a few seconds to realize who she was talking.

"...I've been called many things, but that's a first. How exactly am I Adam Taurus?"

"...It was your fighting style at first. He used the same spins, a similar shooting pose, you have a similar build, a similar hairstyle. Your grin when you're drunk is the same one he had when he was fighting."

"...Fair enough. Didn't expect to add "look like an abusive ex" to the long list of reasons to disappear, but it's a good one-"

"...What?"

"I'm a danger to my nieces. I'm in no good relations with Miss Schnee the Second, and according to Yang, my drinking habits are like Missus Schnee so I'm winning no points with Weiss. Jaune has never liked me, probably has his reasons, and his teammates follow after him with almost no question so they're wary of me as well. I can't look at Oscar without seeing Ozpin, and I don't want anything to do with that old bastard anymore. The Grimm Reaper might be the only person capable of living with my bullshit, but she's the minority. And now I'm over here looking like the person who singlehandedly fucked your perception of the world and yourself. All in all, compelling arguments for a Grimm to take me right now."

Blake was speechless. He had an excuse to leave everyone behind. Always for their own good.

"...I said I saw a resemblance at first."

His hair lost any indication of red, showing his feather-like 'do.

"But the more time passed, the more differences I saw. You're nothing like Adam."

Eyes went from blueish to a bright pastel pink, and the shadow of a scar disappeared.

"You're careful, consider others safety before your own and care for those close to you. Adam always put himself and his goals first."

The soft facial features were replaced with more rugged lines, clean-shaven skin replaced with a stubble.

"You do everything you do because you believed it would save people, even when that left you apart from your family for months. Adam only pretended to care about the Faunus' well-being, while he really only cared about killing off humans."

Black clothes were replaced by white and grey, slim body frame replaced by broad shoulders.

"You take the blame for everything and are ready to take what you believe would be your just desserts. Adam never apologised for anything he did and always ran from responcibility."

Qrow kept looking at Blake, somehow compelled to let her finish her spiel. Let it all out.

"I used to see some of Adam's looks in you. Now I see an uncle concerned first and foremost with his nieces' well-being. I saw Adam's animalistic fighting style, but I've come to see a beautiful dance in how you wield your blade. Where Adam killed for pleasure, you protect those you care about. Where Adam was nothing but spite, you never let your past break you. Where Adam took strength from others kneeling, you take strength from others standing tall."

Now Qrow was just looking at her with wide eyes. Very few have tried and succeeded in making him see his good sides. None had used (good) comparisons.

"Adam manipulated people into doing his bidding. You do the right thing, and people sincerely like you exactly for that. People love you exactly for that."

[masshirohebi-moved]

@super-kame-love asked:  "Do...d'you still love me? I mean, in any way a'tall?"

This time, the question hadn’t been unfounded. It hadn’t crept up from her paranoid thoughts one night, and materialized on the air without any further prompting. They had been particularly volatile to her these last few days. Or were they weeks? They can’t remember, they have lost the ability to separate themself from their spite and anger. Her fault, it was all her fault. Or so they had thought. But they are starting to question their own emotions more lately, have brooded over the complexity of their own heart. It had been so simple before she came. No one could dent their impenetrable armor, no one could say or do anything to rub them the wrong way. Then she came, and suddenly, their eyes opened up to the side of the world they had fled from as a child. Was it sympathy? No, it isn’t selfless enough to be that. Perhaps, just greater consciousness.  With this however, comes the added baggage of caring. That weakness will be the death of them.

It had all begun with her comment. When she had caught them with a man they had found interest in. When she had loudly declared them to be a queen cat, and a few other choice words that described them as feral, desperate and whorish. From there, she had clearly taken to the name, how pleased she must have been to be the first shinobi alive to live through insulting the viper. To coin the phrase and leave them stuck with the label. For she had thrown it back in their face again, the next time she met them in a bar surrounded by strangers. Drunks however, were easily amused. And if their pride wasn’t wounded enough by being called such a thing in public for the second time, it certainly had been gutted when they decided to leave. When walking out in to the street causes them to spot a group of snickering men. At first, they assume the group to be calling a stray cat, the ‘kss kss kss‘ pet call falling from a mans lips. And then, when the serpent finally realizes it is them that the men are calling, the group follows their game with a few ‘here, kitty, kitty’, for no other purpose than to rub salt in the wound. The men evidently pissed, and genuinely amused by the call out they had witnessed in the bar. They don’t know what they regret more, not beheading the group on the spot, or having let the comment stop them in their tracks. To have stared blankly at the group in unshed fury. It hadn’t bubbled over the surface and in to their gaze until they returned to their group. And since then, their mood had never lifted. A comment such as that would never had irked them before. They would have found a way to turn the joke around. They would have twisted the strangers game in to their own game. They would have found sadistic amusement in proving themself immune to others. As the days have passed however, they begin to wonder if perhaps it is not the men at all that bother them. But instead, that the reflection has them wondering more and more what she thinks of them. Since they are juvenile at the worst of times, they can not offer this truth to her and work it out. They become bitter, they become ratty. Everything they put down is with a touch more force, because they know she hates noise.  The kettle slammed to its post, the laboratory tools or cooking cutlery all dropped loudly to clang against the sink. When they cook, for they refuse to eat anything she touches, it is a steady sound of volatile quickness. She isn’t permitted in to their chambers, the summons about hissing with obvious threat, the room sealed when they are not in it. Even their work place has become locked off. Only their figure passing through the web of seal work binding the laboratory.  They don’t greet her when she passes them, they barely greet anyone. Kabuto is perhaps, the only one they speak to. Quick words, short sentences. They disappear without anyone knowing, and the prison cells have become abundantly empty. While their experimentation has declined, so has their patience. Uncalled for comments, hands snatching at them through bars - all crimes that warrant execution.

"Do...d'you still love me? I mean, in any way a'tall?" She has caught them in the hallway, midway through the thoughts that had kept them up most nights. They had caught word she would be leaving, but they can not tell if it is mere rumour, or if it is true. To their knowledge, it was well known that she was the one who had caused the serpents mood to shift so terribly. And with their mood being such, the hideout itself became just as volatile. They imagine, since she was the easiest person to blame, the current residents had snatched the opportunity. She wouldn’t be a favourite within the dark labyrinth.  While everyone else may be thinking how much they disliked her, the Sannin had been stuck on the opposite. They couldn’t let her leave. They know that now. They had become too dependent, and perhaps admitting to that weakness gave them the opportunity to rise from it. As she had once told them, you couldn’t fix a problem if you did not admit it was there. Now they had admitted to it. Now came the task of securing themself despite this weakness. Which only needed one current question to be answered: what would make her stay? The answer is easy, she has said it a hundred times or more. She wanted them. And right now, they feel as if she has won. That thought however, is not a bitter one. They can admit defeat, she had been a worthy opponent.  “I’ll do it.” The words are spoken after a brief pause, golden eyes without any previous anger, that had lost its flame. Even self pity and defeat had ached away. This feeling, was entirely new. Good or bad, they could not tell. But certainly, they were in motion again, and nothing scared them more than being stuck in a cycle they had no control over. So perhaps losing, was its own form of winning this time. The only way to break out of this mess.  “I’ll marry you.” For what was marriage? They could not claim it to mean nothing to them, and then simultaneously fight against it. That was like a child never parting with a toy they never played with. Illogical. Besides, they didn’t find her unattractive. They liked her dark skin, they liked her curly hair, they liked her more durable build and honey brown eyes. They had merely never felt a connection due to her nature. Submissive, a push over - fragile. But if they had learnt anything this year... it was that they had greatly underestimated her. That instead, she was far more resilient than they were. And when they had tried pushing her over, she had pushed back so hard that she toppled them off their high and mighty throne. It’s a final realization - she had won, she had beaten the devil at their own game.

[dalhousiediaries]

A Suicidal Rant.

♪ Currently listening to: Playlist: Café montréalais by Spotify ♪ 📚 Currently reading: A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki 📚 

Writing about suicide has never come easy for me.  

Or maybe it has, since every time I sit myself down to write about something, that’s the first thing that comes to mind.  Perhaps I’m fascinated with death and the idea of the paradoxical “life-after-death” belief so many people possess.  But, who hasn’t thought about death once in their lifetime?  I’m no exception.

I’ve been really thinking about this topic, whether to post it up on this blog (dalhousiediaries) or whether to start up a new blog entirely, a new personal blog to post content with topics like this, whenever I feel the urge to write about something philosophical or I guess, whenever I feel the powerful urge to write the deep thoughts that linger in my mind.  The unspeakable content that rests only in the deepest and untampered portions of my brain.

Personally speaking, as a child I never really thought about the afterlife, or what would happen to me after death.  It seemed so laid out to me, almost mechanical.  People would mourn, a funeral would be held, a celebration of life that has passed, and then I guess, people would get over the fact that I was no longer breathing on this planet, in this world, living in this time. However, as I grew older, that changed.  Not the actual process aforementioned, but the sociological and the emotional process of “getting over someone”.  I say this because I’ve felt this firsthand.  

Living in Halifax, being separated from my family and friends back home was basically like dying socially.  I was no longer present to take part in hangouts, physically be there to make new memories and the only way people could interact with me was through the Internet.  You’d think a lot of people would contact me and at least, try to keep in touch, but when everyone’s busy getting their own life together and amid their own worries, I don’t particularly blame anyone for growing distant.   It’s just interesting, in the beginning of the semester, so many people missed me, talked to me, and even cried about my departure – just like a real death had occurred.  It really made me think “is this what would happen if I died?”.  Of course, time stops for no one, and as the months went on, perchance my friends had realized I would be back soon enough or had gotten swamped by the amount of work they had to do in their respective programs, I had stopped receiving such messages and contact from friends back in BC.

I’m not upset about that at all.  Despite what it seems like.  It’s just interesting from my point of view, almost like a simulation of life on earth after my death – only on a much, much, smaller scale.

Why am I writing about this? Did something happen to make me contemplate my own death? Am I suicidal? No, I am not.

I’m currently reading a novel called A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki (a tantalizing read, might I add).  The novel talks quite a lot about one’s inevitable demise, whether it be intentionally sparked or a natural one.  The setting is partially set in Japan around the 1940s(?), and the other half set in modern-day Whaletown, BC, a very real place on the Cortes Island.  The novelist, Ruth Ozeki, encounters a Hello Kitty lunchbox that acts as a safe keep for the diary of a Japanese girl, Naoko Yasutani, who narrates her daily life through purple gel pen ink and a DIY diary.

The perspective switch between Ruth and Naoko is not only well done, but gives a different insight and contrast between the two characters, and their very different lives, despite the same ethnic heritage.  The reader follows Ruth as she reads the log of Naoko, following her life page by page, discovering information at the same time as the audience.  It’s as if Naoko’s reaching out from the right side, while Ruth and the audience are reaching towards Naoko from the left – hoping to collide in the middle.

Okay so, why did this book spark my interest in death and suicide again?

It’s a topic that Naoko toys with a lot in the novel, or I guess, in her diary.  She writes about her and her family’s experience moving from Japan to Silicon Valley in the States due to her father being a computer science programmer or some sort like that, settling down in Sunnyvale, California, where she spent the majority of her life there.  Her family dynamic is drastically flipped on its head when her father gets laid off, and Nao (as she’s commonly referred to) and her family emigrate back to Japan.

Nao gets bullied relentlessly by her classmates. Her mother spends all her days watching the jellyfish in the aquarium before getting an office job. Her father becomes a hikikomori (ひきこもり), spending his days in the park, feeding the crows.  Feigning work in the early days of returning to the Land of the Rising Sun.

Nao’s father, Haruki as his name is revealed, decides to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train, the Chuo Rapid Express, which apparently; is one of the more popular methods of self-execution according to a self account Ruth finds whilst searching for the history and the current whereabouts of the Yasutani’s.

I had understood why Haruki Yasutani would want to commit suicide, his shame from lying to his family about finding a new job, the fact that he had fallen from such a successful position and left with nothing, the stripping of all pride and dignity spending his days feeding the crows at the nearby park, feeling sorry for his wife and daughter especially for not being able to support them.  I guess you could say, he was spiraling into a deep depression.

I, unfortunately, could tie this with the current situation with my father.

I now realize why this topic has been on my mind for so long, why this situation with Nao and her father captivated my interest and cultivated my thoughts to yield this fruit of epiphany.  I suppose I can conclude that I’m writing this, and have been writing about this topic for months because it’s a very real situation that I simply cannot ignore anymore.  Am I venting? Yeah, I think I can say that I am.

Though I’m frustrated, I know someone who’s even more frustrated with themselves – my father.

He’s not dead, readers.

But there’s something that tugs at my heartstrings and some evil spirit that puts in unfavourable thoughts in my daily life.  What if he had died?

It’s natural to see your parents or guardians suffer, to struggle through with the adulty-responsibilities we all have to one day face.  Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with suffering a little bit, to have a bit of hardship in your life to harden yourself into a better person.  The more experience one accumulates over their lifetime, more often than naught, they are more valued, wiser, knowledgeable and so on.  I don’t doubt that at all.

I strongly believe in strength acquired by difficult situations and times.  After all, I have had my fair share of disturbing moments in life, times that have disrupted my, at the time, established rhythmic pattern that made up my daily (mundane) life.  It’s like an iron sword in the making.  The more you forge and burn it in fire, the more strengthened it becomes, or it could take on a different shape entirely and the blacksmith may decide in last minute haste, to produce a sickle or a dagger instead.  Of course I’m no ironworker or familiar with blacksmithing, but there’s my poor attempt at creating a relatable metaphor.

I can confidently say that my parents have seen their fair share of difficult times, for Heaven’s sake, they immigrated to a foreign land with no family other than themselves and me, little to no money and what connections do you think a middle aged Korean couple would have overseas in the land of the maple leaf, hockey, and apparently endless winters, the land Koreans called Kenada (캐나다) rather than the rounder sound that native English speakers called, Canada? I’ll tell you that they had no connections.

I’ve always appreciated the work my parents have put in their life here in Canada.  I’ve always admired the strength they’ve showed over the past 18-19 years, or maybe it was feigned strength in hopes that their only daughter doesn’t catch on to their fears and sense the very real struggles and hardship that living as immigrants unfortunately brings to the table.

Recently, and mayhap this is just me putting up my father’s dirty laundry for all to see, but my father has been acting drastically different – even he’s saying he’s “no longer the same dad as [he] was in the past”, which of course I’ve noticed the change as the years flew by – living with the man for 18-19 years, one would hope I noticed the changes.  He’s a man that would do anything for me, well not anymore I guess but back in the earlier days, I suppose.

The whole reason why we have Sien (my dog) now is because I’ve pestered him for years to get a dog, to which he promised we would when our family became homeowners – a promise that seemed farfetched now, but in 7-8 years we had become just that, homeowners. Along came the dog in another 3 years or so.  Initially against the idea, he gave in just to see me happy, and perchance he noticed my own change in personality, he wanted to see me change positively, secretly praying the dog would aid in my transition back to the positive daughter I once was.

But anyway, my father explained to me the other day, in blind rage, a firm voice with an angry tone yet one can sense the slightest bit of tremble at the back of his throat, that he was changing, like an adolescent in the middle of puberty, like how my mother would one day go through menopause. This is a phenomena I’d like to dub as manopause.

Over the years, I’ve heard some pretty unsettling things fly from my father’s mouth.  Like him asking me whether I’d approve of him dating other women, getting a divorce with mum, or what would happen if he had enlisted in the possible war that might occur between South and North Korea, and if he had died.  He had asked me about the matter of his demise on numerous occasions, each with different executions – from his death in the war, to him killing himself, and how.

I always knew what to say to his questions; his life was his own and if he wanted to get a divorce with mum because he’s had enough, that’s good on him and he can go for it, if he wanted to date other women, sure – only except that I had to pre-approve of my potential step-mother before their relationship escalates.  But when it came to his death, I never knew what to say.  Or more like, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing that could possibly, even if there was a slight chance, intensify his desire to carry out the action.

Anyway, I’m pretty content with what I’ve written and though it wasn’t originally what I had intended to write about suicide and my unruly fascination with it, I feel like this took priority.  If this triggered anyone, I’m sorry – but it really needed to get off my mind and keeping it private or unpublished seemed to defeat the purpose of writing it down in the first place.  Maybe, this is my silent cry for help.  That maybe God is reading this, and can restore peace into my father.

He had told me, again in blind fury; “At least you’re gone in Halifax.  At least you have somewhere else to go here.  I have no where to go.  I’m stuck, stressed.  But it makes me feel better knowing that you’re over there”.

In the odd chance my dad is reading this, because occasionally my mum will read my posts and share them with my father;

Sorry Dad, I love you.

[marcysimmons]

Attention, Readers. I need your help. I posted a couple of pictures of me at fourteen and mentioned about me being married at fourteen, and why would my mama (or any mama for that matter) let her daughter get married at such a young age.

Please read the responses from two of my family members (they are cousins to each other – my niece and my nephew) and they gave their explanation as to why.

What do you think? Why would my mama (or any mama for that matter) let her daughter get married at such a young age? Especially to someone who came from a poor family and he was only seventeen? Let me clarify one thing before you start the posting: I was not pregnant. That was the first thing that will come to most people’s mind. We were still virgins. Sorry to be so blunt but it’s the truth…

  Your response is greatly needed. Maybe it can help me understand my mama a little better. I love her and don’t blame her or anything – just need to better understand her motive. Replies are welcome here.

From Christy C… to Marcella S.:  How cute who is the little boy?

  Marcella S. to Christy C.:  This was my ex-s half brother – I was married in this picture – at fourteen – I have no clue what my mama was thinking…wasn’t my fault – iwas a baby!

  Marcella S. to Christy C.:  Marcella Simmons This is my mother & father-in-laws, and my ex’s two younger half brothers

  From Christy C… to Marcella S.:  That’s the way people did things when she was growing up and I guess with all the hardships on the family she thought it would be the best way to keep you clean because with poverty all kinds of disadvantages come to play.

From Bo S. to Christy C.: No that’s the way uneducated people did things and still do things. Having children they can’t afford, because they didn’t understand about birth control or the duties and responsibilities that come with having a family and raising children. That it takes time, energy, love and money to raise a family and you do so for more than 18 years!

So, what many of our family’s heritage involves is being raised by poorer, uneducated people, steadily repeating the vicious cycle of hardship and ignorance.

They were thinking if nothing else, we’re raising another one to help out on the farm. Which is what most of the family was involved in–farming, logging, or even share cropping.

They didn’t value education, cause for the women, all you were there for was to cook, clean and have children for your men. So, most of the girls were either bound to be child care for their immediate family, never marrying themselves or they were “encouraged” to marry young. Often times, being married to grow the family farm with either acreage or more animals or trees to harvest.

The boys were raised to work on the family farm, unless they grew tired of chasing behind a mule or ox and plowing fields or dragging logs all day.

  From Christy C. to Bo S.: Oh dear cousin,have you obtained your doctrines yet?We know you have worked so hard at it,and have all the time in the world to do so.Yes lack of education is a terrible thing and it sets you up for the world to stomp on you but being the one who stomps and belittles people (especially family)is no better.We all have our own path(don’t judge)Not everyone operates on your IQ level and even if they do not everybody has the time to achieve all that you have achieved.Please keep my name outta your mouth when you are talking to aunt Kitty,thank you.You don’t pay my bills so how I get to where I’m going in life is none of your dame business.

  From Bo S. to Christy C. : Dear Cousin, We don’t “know” each other so we don’t talk to each other and just so you know as you’re hearing it directly from me and not via some bullcrap gossip:

I don’t “talk to you” or “about you” to anyone.

Whatever you choose to believe is on you. I personally don’t care.

Now, since this is my only response to you and my last communication with you, it’s stuff you need to know and answers to your questions, etc… you may not be able to read it all in one sitting, but I hope and challenge you to find the strength and emotional intelligence to do so or have someone read it to you.

In life; YOU pick or accept your path, it doesn’t happen to you.

The same advice you give, should seriously be something you start sweeping around your own critique & judgemental filled door with.

You don’t know me or anything about me and you never have, other than the name. Because last time we saw each other, you were a young kid.

So you may want to tone down that judgment because you really don’t know come here from sick em in regards to me or who I am or what I’m about or have done!

I personally don’t “know of or about you” anymore, cause the last time I saw you, you were just a wet behind the ears, awkward, bean pole of a kid!

I, today for sure don’t know where you’re going and quite honestly, I don’t care. It is what it is.

There’s way too much time behind us and there’s an ocean between us to worry about catching up on. You have your opinions, biases formed by poor information and that’s on you.

The only reason I ever made contact with you was because of the fond memory and feelings I had of your dad. Nothing more or less and now, due to this uncalled for outburst of stupidity, I’m sorry I even made that attempt.

As to my education, you don’t know me or anything in regard to how I EARNED any of my education or anything! So, really do yourself a favor and don’t go there because you have no clue.

I will do you a favor since it seems you’re curious, I’ve well over 5 decades of life experience, work experience, skills, abilities, emotional intelligence, and knowledge as well as education that make me the person and man I am today.

The talk I make about the family and the legacy of ignorance, poverty, broken homes, that vicious cycle that keeps repeating itself…..etc….is all 1000% true!

You don’t like it?

Tough, and equally great! Then do something about it!

For example: Change yourself and offer your kids and grand kids an opportunity to seek higher education.

Challenge them to be more than where they come from! Why do you think your dad moved and tried to do and be different? He wanted out and to change things for his family! He wanted to be more and he wanted more for his kids.

I came from the same background and speak out not only against the ignorance but also with compassion to hopefully open the eyes of those younger kids coming up.

You all in your ignorance see it as arrogance, but you’re wrong! Dead wrong!

It’s not arrogance, it’s pure contempt because all of you have so much potential, but you have that stubborn pride that won’t allow you to see past trying to prove your own point and your being right.

I’m proud to hear others want to break that mold in our families.

It saddens me to see or hear others in our families, who either out of comfort or fear, even tolerance, and acceptance, decide to remain in there in the ignorance–because there are means and ways to change it if you’re willing to work for it.

But to do that, you have to stop making excuses, look at where you are and want to change! Because it takes time, dedication, discipline, and hard work.

  From Bo S.: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXpNffsRinE

This is the goal I’m trying to achieve to be the “Mike” in the family.

I’m sorry, I didn’t have or live a snowflake life, to learn how to baby and sugar coat everything, so it doesn’t hurt the delicate and sensitive nature and feelings many may have in our families.

So, I challenge those in the family, their kids, the children they have, etc…to want to be and make a difference. Break that chain of poverty, ignorance, and illiteracy, to aspire to be someone better, to do something to make a difference.

Enabling you to leave a legacy of meaning and purpose behind for your family and to mean something to your name-sake!

Why? Because dreams don’t come true! Decisions, hard work, and daily discipline does!

What I Learned from My Mother’s Boyfriend | E.J. Carrion | Goalcast

YOUTUBE.COM

  From Marcella S. to Bo S. & Christy C. : OMG! I didn’t mean to stir up a family squabble. You two just settle down… my mama was an uneducated woman yes, and made choices we will never understand. I certainly don’t. She could have prevented me from getting married at fourteen. She was the parent. I have my opinions as to why she let me in the first place but she is no longer here so I can’t ask her why. I was a young girl – a silly young girl with no idea what I was getting into. If one of my daughters had even suggested such a notion – never mind that cause it never would of happened. I had to make a way on my own later on in life and it turned out for the better. I did get an education and college, too, so all in all, it worked out!

I have and will continue to break the cycle from the results of my mama before me. I loved her when she was alive and love her now but because of choices she made in my life, there was hardships. BUT… had I stayed at home there’s no telling how I would have ended up – examples being sisters before me… and how they lived and what happened in their lives. And brothers as well. But we were not a perfect family and never will be. But we still have life, and with life comes changes and that’s a good thing.

Now for you two squabbling, I am sorry I started this. So please don’t argue on my account.

I love you both and don’t want no arguing about this… I don’t blame anyone for how my life turned out – no one but myself. The only question I wish I knew was why… I still believe mama could have stopped me. I wasn’t a problem child – not that much! I’m going to use this as a post on my blog Courageous Woman At Heart at https://courageouswomanatheart.wordpress.com/for-the…/ and see if we can get others to share their opinions with us.

    What do you think? Why would my mama (or any mama for that matter) let her daughter get married at fourteen? Attention, Readers. I need your help. I posted a couple of pictures of me at fourteen and mentioned about me being married at fourteen, and why would my mama (or any mama for that matter) let her daughter get married at such a young age.