#Arthur's eldritch harem

[origami-butterfly]

The things I do for this fandom literally no one asked for this

Edit: to all of you saying "healthy is a relative term" in reference to Jarthur. I know. I was going to give them a red and a blue line, but I forgot. It was a mistake. It happens.

[one-chaotic-neautral]

Malevolent really is just 'Arthur's harem' isn't it?

We have John, Oscar, Noel, Butcher, Larson, Kayne and Scratch being all varying levels of obsessed and /or gay for Arthur, and he seems mostly oblivious.

He just has that pathetic wet cat man charisma that brings all the boys / eldritch entities to the yard.

[niroke]

What the fuck about Arthur is catnip for eldritch beings? Like man's basically got a harem at this point

[peachblossom-odyssey]

God I hope Mr. Scratch becomes fixedly obsessed with Arthur. Might as well add another eldritch monster to his “Won’t leave this man tf alone” harem

[samglyph]

Oh hey the barbershop. Good callback. Also what the fuck is UP with Collins. What HAPPENED. Also we can officially add Collins to Arthur’s eldritch harem that wants him dead but has weird vibes about it.

It’s time. I was immediately jump scared by a podcast ad but we’re in it we’re going. (As always block malevolent liveblog if you don’t want to see all my immediate thoughts)

[fatelotusorder]

Name: Elizabeth Tudor

Others  Names : Good  Queen Bess  , Liz  ,Lizabeth  ,Beth

Class: Ruler

other  Classes He  Qualifies For - Berserker(All Tudors Except Ed) , Caster, Saber(All English Ruler Qualify  for this class Bess Finds  this  dumb ), Lancer , Shielder

Alignment: Lawful Good

Voice Actor:Mitsuo Iwata (Sunny from Toriko , Hes  Also The Second Voice  For Ivanvok in One piece )

https://youtu.be/76jZj7Ymy9Y

Gender: Male  Likes: Sweets, Fashion , Beauty  in general

Dislikes: Don't call Him  Fat or  A Drag Queen , Dentists  , His Sister and  Father

Tags:King  ,English , Divine  ,Humaniod ,Servant ,Weak to Enuma Elish  NaturalEnemy: Mary Tudor  , Herny  the 8th  , Gilgamesh,Ozymandias  , Aslaung  , Medb

Cards: Buster,Art , Arts ,Arts Quick Active Skills:

Unwavering  Charisma (Increases Attack for  all Allies  and   Increases Allies  Defense  For 3 turn)

Ageless Beauty- Chance  to  Charm  All  Enemies  for 1 Turn ,and Seal their  NP for  Three  Turns

Glory of the Crown-Increase NP Gain and Apply Damage Cut to all allies for 3 turns

Passive Skills:

Rage of  Tudors - Increases allies   Attack  When Bess  is on  the Felid    Magic Resistance  

NP: Tudor Rose- Protection From the  Queen -  Arts-  Bess  Gives  a  Pray out  to God

,"when wars and seditions with grievous persecutions have vexed almost all kings and countries round about me, my reign hath been peaceable, and my realm a receptacle to thy afflicted Church. The love of my people hath appeared firm, and the devices of my enemies frustrate"

Before Similar  To  Neros A Room  Appears  Around  Him   as He Walks Towards  The  Throne , He Smiles as  Bess Sits  Down on  the Throne   And Snaps His Fingers   and a Light illuminates the Room. Give Invincibility for two hits and a 3 turn Heal Regen for Allies and Lowers Defense  for all Enemies .

Biography:

Elizabeth Tudor known By Many Aliases the last  Ruler of the  Tudor Dynasty in  England  , who Unlike her predecessors Before Enjoyed a Long Reign of about 44 years. Although Documented as a Woman in the History , The "Queen" was Actually  Male, Born with the name Arthur Tudor after his fathers late brother  but then Why Didn't  Bess take the  Throne  next Instead of   Edward he  was the Son Henry always wanted  .

Truth is  Henry  Declared  Bess as one  of His Daughters as Bess wasn't the son Henry wanted and Henry  didn't  consider   Bess Manly Enough  to  considered   His Next Heir   and  so Hid the Fact He Had another  Son by raising Bess  as  Girl and Eventually Declared Bess along with His Sister Mary as   Illegitimate  as Soon as He  had Edward .

Bess despite  His Arrogance, Flamboyancy, and Confidence in himself.Bess  Dose question if he truly a Man as He went through Great lengths to Hide the fact that he wasn't a Woman (even pulling an Artoria and giving himself breasts temporarily ) Mainly for political Reasons and so he didn't suffer the Similar short Rules of His Sister. Not for the Reasons that Modern Day people do it so His pronouces are He/ Them.

-—-

Summoned: "Elizabeth Tudor ,Servant Class : Ruler ,Is it Nice to be in the presence of a Queen  ,Master"

Bond 1:  Its  not  Everyday  Your  around a Queen My  Master ,Smile ~

Bond 2:Hm ,your an Interesting  person  to Say the Least

Bond 3: Your orders Master ,I’ll Do anything you  ask me  to.~"

Bond 4: Hehe ,You Remind Me  of  Someone Very  Special to  me in life. Who is this person? Your not ready for that just yet

Bond 5: this special person , Well his Name was  Robert Dudley , I  had a crush on him for the longest time .

Dialogue 1:"Why  Do you Stare At  me like that ? ,Master ? Is it Because I'm So Breathtakingly beautiful ... or Is it Something Eles?"

Dialogue 2: "D-dentist, Master ,I D-don't need a Dentist"

Dialogue 3:"Master ,This Scale Has to Be wrong I can't  have gained  weight ,I Cut  back on Sweets"

Dialogue 4: "Some Days I wonder Why I was Summoned as a Ruler I'm Not a Saint  or anything ,Just  a person Who believed that God was  on His Side protecting Him. "

(If you Have  Henry the 8th) " Master  , Don't   Compare me  to that  Boar  in Humans  Clothing  ,He dosen't  Deserve the Comparison "

(if You Have Mary Tudor ) "Mary ,Your Here  ...M-master We need to  Talk"

(if You Have Francis Drake )

"  Don't Go Telling People , How Big My (temporary) Breasts  Were! and they  Were Not  Bigger than  Raikou's Cow Udders ! "

(if You Have Ivan  the Terrible ) "You  Look Just as   Ugly and Horrid as  that Letter  You wrote Me"

(If You Have  Ragnar or Judge Vinsmoke )" You  Remind me  of my  Father   ,That is a  Bad  thing "

(if you  have  Sanji,Before whole Cake ) - Okama! Who are you To Say whether I'm  an  Okama or not  , I'll  break You  Arms  Clean off!

(if you  have  Sanji,After  Whole Cake ) "I seem We were Similar Situations, Your father  wanted to mold  you Into a Warrior that lacked Empathy and Compassion and Hated your Passion of Cooking  for his Ridiculous Standards on  What Royalty should and Shouldn't do.. ...Huh ,but I  thought You  didn't  like ugly ass Okamas.~"

(if you Have  Ivar the Boneless Before  Rwby Event) - "he's  the shortest  Viking I've  Seen  and  his Legs Flop around like  if he   was a Ragdoll , He's Kinda  Adorable looking  He reminds me of a Cat .”

(Ivar After Rwby) " Of  Course Come Here  ,Ivar  , If you Need  a Shoulder  to  Cry   come  to  me  , I have been Moved by Your Life  Story, You  still Remind  of  a Cat  though "

(If You Have Gilgamesh , Ozy or Medb) " Aww ~ You seem Jealous, Is it because of My Breathtaking Beauty  attracts Everyone to me like bees to a Flower."

Something you like: I love Sweets and Sugar ,but I'm on diet after looking at the Scale .

Something you dislike:  I personally Hate being  Called a Drag queen or Okama  its Basically  telling me I couldn't  past for a Woman to save my life  , I don't like being Called Fat my Father had to be carried by crane  you know.

About the Holy Grail: Grail , If I had  I'd wish  to  be able  to Find  True Love   and Get married   During an

Event: An  Event , Ah something  Different   than Our Usal Missions we should take break and relax. Birthday: Happy Birthday , Master  ,I shall  get the Cafeteria  to prepare a Banquet.

——-—

Other stuff

to clarify Bess is More gender non conforming and Really doesn’t caring for looking or acting Traditionally Masculine or Feminine . He’ll wear a Pencil skirt cause it looks nice and if people Mistake him for a women then he really dosent care to him that just means He looks pretty. He’ll drop to his natural sounding voice . Mainly because Elizabeth was Literally praised for his beauty even in his older Years where he was worse for wear in Servant form hes at most in his 30’s .

The reason why Bess hid as Women all his Life is that he was afraid of appearing weak and having a short chaotic rule like his sister as he says” It better to appear as a strong woman than be consider a weak man.“

also He’s 6’3 very tall .

In Fate Lotus order

The some of servants of Chaldea seemed to started a Fan club around Bess . This was started by Nobu and Nobukatsu( Whose actually a saber in this universe) cause Nobukatsu ended up forming a crush on him .

Bess pseudo Harem( cause he dosent know about this )now has

Finn mc Cool

a Chinese moth

Drake in there technically cause they’re Friends

his Advisor who is now a Pretty boy merged with a Snake like Eldritch god due messing with the Occult ( John dee )

he is unapologetically Bi and Unapologetically aware that he’s Thicc

Bess being a Male is based of a Debunked theory of Elizabeth Tudor being replaced by Similar looking male child after dying of illness . He is My Very first servant Oc along with his Sister Mary and Red riding Hood.

[theoceanthatdrownthemoon-chaldea]

Outside of Fate, I don't admire King Arthur. Even the three contemporary literature pieces of Arthur legend put me off of him, I could only imagine how worse it is with the older text. I don't believe she should be forced into treating Mordred as her proper child, that's unfair. If Uther didn't commit rape by deception, Morgan very likely wouldn't have thought of doing the same thing. I sympathize with Mordred but I don't like her. I understand that favoritism toward one character can color your view toward them and the others too, especially if you want that character to be happy. What I feel frustrated with Mordred stems from my own experience and I differ from her that I don't want my parents' attention more than what's due - I didn't ask to be born, don't expect me to fulfill your dreams. Mordred is both expected to be something and not expected to be someone. It's better if she can grow completely out of her needs for biological parents' attention. I'm aware of my bias for Artoria but I've said before this matter is one you either pick a side or choose neither with silence.

No, Artoria is perfect for her role that the people want her to be. She didn't claim to be perfect herself. Whether she choose to be 'honest and just' or to rule with favoritism, there'll always be flaws that people can criticize her about. No, I don't like King Arthur of legends, only Artoria. Goldie is a rapist dickish of a king that I will never recognize as wise. Iskander can go agonize over his arrow wound so he'd be remind that his army did refuse to follow him to Okeanos for fear of their lives. His NP failed to contain an Eldritch horror and I wouldn't rub that in his face if he had kept his mouth shut about women not experiencing what men thought they should have mean they're pitiful. Different kings for different times, different era - that's agreeable but both he and Goldie didn't return that courtesy. Or should it be Urobutcher that is at fault here for doing what he usually do? Of course their subjects would acknowledge them as good rulers, this is Fate so using them as indicator for whether they're unbiasedly good rulers is not a stable ground to stand on. And Ozy is a typical man plagiarized others' work along with a contradictory claim to have loved his wife more than anything yet maintained a harem.

[aheartofwood]

the king arthur movie is SO BAD, guys.

imagine a baby and a kitten got together and tried to edit a movie with only the vaguest idea of arthurian legend based on the backs of the VHS of the disney version and also the lion king for some reason, and also the barest idea of how human brains can accept and understand editing and narrative. imagine a pretty good video game opening for 2001, but watched thru the haze of a really strenuous flu and it’s rented and ancient and was chewed up by at least two dogs so it’s glitching a lot. imagine a knight’s tale……………Reimagined™ (needlessly) by a team of randos who only speak italian and their ideas are being translated by jen from the IT crowd in that one episode where she pretends she can speak italian. imagine a movie with a budget of four dollars (except the budget was HUGE). imagine an opium dream within a dream of robert downey jr’s 2009 sherlock holmes where jude law becomes a boring, leathery king who has a bad habit of constantly sacrificing the silent women he supposedly loves to an undulating pile of lovecraftian horror water ladies that live in his shame toilet in his penis tower basement ONLY to super saiyan into a really bad DnD dude with a motorcycle-insignia-metal skull head and the torso of two The Rocks smashed together (sorry, The Rock) instead of (a much better) watson. imagine eragon, but somehow exceedingly, fremdschamenly, schadenfreudingly worse. not many things get both german expressions, in a gleefully terrible adverb form at that, but this movie——oh, THIS movie——-deserves them. 

the letters of the opening credits roll (or creep?) across the screen. the kerning is bad. all the T’s have a phallic, buffylike, sword motif going on and it renders the names unreadable. the colors and the blurry shots look like something out of monty python. again, who hired this editor? who watched this movie, kissed their fingertips like an italian grandma, and gently set this eldritch horror adrift on the tides of eternity to be received with fear and loathing by millions of human eyes? the elephants from lord of the rings attack the bridge from legend of zelda, and that red flamey eye guy from eragon (mordred, for some reason, in a shake n bake wig) ?? or possibly from inkheart?? is defeated. remember, we know nothing about these characters. feel nothing for them. and the trend continues. katie mcgrath appears, of course, in her standard and splendid emerald green, and then immediately dies. none of the shots in the first 20 minutes of the movie match up, we go from scenes with several people to ultra close ups of faces—-it’s like the “mmmm whatcha say” SNL skit, but serious. the movie continues to not know if it’s playing itself seriously or if it knows how bad it truly is (how bad me be?)

finally we get ONE establishing shot of a sweeping wall (maybe? the camera never stays still enough to tell) and the audience (five people) grounds ourselves, sort of. we get a whip-fast, but not whip-smart, super evolution of arthur’s childhood, in which he shoves coins into a wall (see kids!!! if u just put YR COINS IN YR WALLS instead of BUYING GODDAMN AVOCADOS, U COULD HAVE A CASTLE!!!!) and hearkens back to his character in pacific rim, bc he’s just a scrappy, vaguely appropriative white guy that loves 2 fight stuff. oh, his mom is killed when he’s young ofc. charlie hunnam eventually fucks off to the island w the sword in the sort-of stone (none of the physics makes sense in this movie?? the sword in the stone dropped into a lake, but is now in a chasm on a different island which shows no sign of the ruins of arthur’s childhood town?? in the final fight scene, charlie hunnam is several floors up from scythe-y jude law, but then suddenly they’re fighting on the top of saruman’s tower  scuse me at the whipping sea-level, then suddenly BACK IN THE TOWER bc i guess it wasn’t destroyed????? bc then it gets destroyed again??) of course, charlie hunnam is the One Man who can Grip the penis sword, even though in an interesting turn of events, They are Testing Everyone by shipping them in boats to the island (this seems like an egregious waste of resources). charlie hunnam got in this unfortch sitch bc i forgot, but the guy who put him on the boat chuckled darkly and said he was “”””getting on a different boat””””, but like, doesn’t everyone end up there?? it had the air of the DMV, on purpose, so why was this a threat? how did he avoid it for so long? are there that many people in the kingdom??? also, if i was him i’d straight up pretend i couldn’t lift it tbh and come back for it when They were getting donuts. oh, another inkheart thing—the BLONDE MOM SURVIVES (!!!??? somehow???? unexplained? she had a HOLE THRU HER BODY??) and maybe has memory loss or something and spends her days being somehow indispensable to jude law despite doing nothing but moving a plate. 

i cannot explain the rest of the plot, because i do not understand it. charlie hunnam just EXPERIENCES things with a world-weary, almost kingly worldliness, despite flashing in between being an innocent farm boy who doesn’t wanna do anything and a self-assured wisecracking hustler. there are some good jokes about boring white dude names in a medieval setting, and no more humor forever is allowed in this movie or any movies ever again. a chris parnell lookalike with a hat says he can shoot 75 yards but not 175, then shoots 175 with absolutely no introduction/buildup/continuance/jokes and spends the rest of the film as robin hood. there are some other dudes?????? more women (the brothel ladies that rescue arthur from the river ((not unlike….the prince of egypt…..)) are killed to further manpain, including lucy, who is Special for an unexplained reason. jude law murders his daughter (i guess???), who has a russian name and a tendency to sit around and stroke birds and stare sappily out the window (i feel u, johanna). everyone is wearing medieval versions of suits. there are many iterations of snake, ranging from economy-sized snake to a Giant Fuckmaster Snake Mother. at least five cloaks are cast off. eric bana becomes a literal rock. everything has the vague, shuddering feeling of an improv show where everyone wants the final word/bit. there is grit, there is dirt, there is snake blood, and there is clanking. so much clanking. charlie hunnam is bravely hurling one-liners but no one is listening. what is the sound of only one hand on excalibur???? apparently not as powerful as…………T W O hands on excalibur. 

the editing continues to be bizarre. they keep trying to do the inception thing where they talk about the plan while showing the plan, therefore (in inception, correctly) allowing us to get to the good parts, but there ARE NO GOOD PARTS or even parts at all and they don’t fully commit to the dang method anyway. the shining light of the film, an unnamed mage woman with good bone structure and sweet harem pants (and who COULD have at least been set up as morwen but was not) who can possess animals and also make a lot of dust fly around behind her, becomes charlie hunnam’s spiritual guide?? sort of?? maybe love interest??? she seems to have no interest in him or inhabiting the worldly narrative/plane of this movie. i do not blame her. anyway, she’s got the eagles from LOTR on her side. she dopes the shit out of charlie hunnam (again, why) with a literal snake and he solves his daddy/uncle issues (line @ jude law: “”””you created me”””””) in an incomprehensible nonlinear part of the narrative (she was captured, but i guess jude law let her go before hunnam got to the castle???? bc he’s Not So Bad After All? bc he was bored? eating a sandwich? fuck idk so she could have met him in the middle of fuck knows? i mean if they have medieval lyft or medieval twitter DMing or something??)  also, he may or may not have gone to a ””””””DARK””””””””island, but he did NOT solve his daddy issues there. he did, however, fight some rodents of unusual size from the princess bride. 

ok that is all the energy i have; this movie has sapped me, i am nothing in the great maw of its terribleness. other stuff happens. we have a happy ending, with 4/6ths of the Round Table built (literally and figuratively), and some Vikings conceding to charlie hunnam for no other reason than he’s a bro, i guess. line: how do u scam money out of a viking? u talk to them. SEE MILLENNIALS ALL U HAVE TO DO IS TALK AND PPL GIVE U MONEY or be born the true heir to the throne of (fake england). 

the worst part is that i don’t understand how jude law, who is 44, looks the same the entire movie and watches as charlie hunnam, who is 37, grows up and eventually challenges him. eric bana, who is 48, doubtlessly had fictional charlie hunnam arthur at like 27-35, making jude law the same age in that fiction. i guess men can just ???? play any age????????? forever??????? honorable mentions: the soundtrack, jude law’s eyeshadow, and the preview for atomic blonde.