#App??? I feel like there probably 10 year olds on there. I haven't seen them but I bet they are on there.

[paintednailsandsoftdetails]

911, a confession

Let me start by saying that I don't really know what I'm doing here, so bear with me. If I actually go through with posting this, and you find yourself tagged and wondering who I am and why, or even if you happen upon it in the tags, I hope you take a minute to read this.

You don't know me, but you've been my community for a while now. I've checked your blogs daily for years, I've read your posts and loved your art and sent you countless anonymous asks to pick your brains- never hate though, because I'm not a Freak.

What I am, however, is a lonely lesbian with depression and (newly diagnosed) OCD, who has always needed some hyperfixation media/fandom to find life bearable. For some ~fun context, I was Raised by the glee fandom, I will die on the hill that watching queer as folk when I was 14 and discovering its fans 10+ years after airing made me who I am, I've got the most bizarrely timed stint in the 1D fandom under my belt, and I find nothing in the world more interesting and also affirming than Queer Reading (verb) media- to the extent that I earned an English degree and wrote a thesis specifically about it.

I haven't posted on here in 1.5 years, since I fell out of my previous fandom (apologies to anyone from said fandom who still happens to follow me and is seeing this, feel free to move along.) But I've been on this app every day since, because of 911.

(starting the read more here to spare you- again especially if you are tagged, I know you're probably feeling miserable rn but I do hope the entirety of this love letter reaches you)

I started "watching" mid season 5- by which I mean I was in a deep depressive state after disconnecting with previous media hyperfixation and, when I happened upon 911 trending while in need of distraction, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole. Tale as old as time, tumblr dot com convinces you that you need to tune into *insert media here* bc its fun and there are gay people! I caught myself up through all the big blogs and by the time May Day was airing I felt like I had a decent grasp on all the lore, all the fandom drama, all the places the writers were "definitely, so brilliantly" going to be taking the show that we had to look forward to, all without ever having actually seen an episode of the show (before you boo me, yes I've watched it by now, even season 1)

But I think it is important, and also a little messed up, that I fell in love with 911 through YOU, through the fans. Obviously watching the show initially through the lens of fan reactions first and not whats actually happening on screen can have some... interesting results. We've heard it all before, with the people who started watching specifically for Buddie around season 4/5 because they saw The Will and by the time they caught themselves up and watched the end of season 6 they wanted their refunds.

Here is where I want to make a clarification- the reason I got so interested, why I started coming back every day to check in on tags and certain favorite blogs I didn't even follow bc I was denying the want to become fully Involved, was because I fell in love with Evan Buckley. I won't lie, it was Buddie that caught my attention first- of course, thats what everyone here was talking about- and as much as I quickly started discover the value of the show outside of them (Henren my absolute Beloveds!!!!! Captain Dad Bobby Nash you are so special to ME. Chimney man of all time i can keep going) none of it was enough initially to bite the bullet and catch up on 5 seasons worth of a show I also knew would have elements I WASNT interested in (Copaganda and Taylor Kelly I am looking at you.)

But then I started really getting into fan's readings of Buck *insert footage of me learning the Buck Begins of it all for the first time* as a character separate from Eddie (as much as people were capable of anyway, and I will say some of yall continue to be absolutely atrocious at it) and I knew I was done for. Buck, this character so full of goodness, and his need to be Found but to also Find his own family and purpose and sense of self, for whom the show's thesis statement concerns the act of working to Make the kind of Love you want to have in this world, even if you were raised without a blueprint for it- I'm sorry but what else were me and my gay ass queer reading inclined hyperfixated brain to do other than take Evan Buckley into the folds and never let him go?

I love Buck. I was convinced by the time the s5 finale was airing before I had actually watched the show that Buck had to be bi. Even if they never did a thing with it you couldn't convince me otherwise and I was also confident that Oliver was portraying him with a similar mindset. I never wavered in that interpretation, even when the utter disappointment of the s6 finale and the failure to do anything truly meaningful character development wise through the lightning strike-Natalia speed run hit, and certainly not as I got fully caught up actually watching the show outside of tumblr live reactions during episode airings. I'll admit I was pretty ready to Check Out after the end of season 6, to the point where I hardly checked in on fandom at all going into 7 until the rumblings of possible canon Bi Buck reached me and I doubled back like "hold on, for real this time?" But when I say Check Out, I mean I was ready to walk away from the hyperfixation with a joint lack of satisfaction with canon & firm conviction that Buck was queer.

Things with Eddie are a lil different- and I want to try and keep this bit brief bc this is ultimately a post about Buck and Bucktommy and I have no interest in unsettling those of you who may have a queer reading connection to Eddie as real as the one I feel for Buck, but unfortunately this conversation cannot exist separately from the Eddie/Buddie of it all- I personally don't think Eddie is queer. I don't really think I ever did, even when I was in the thick of it with falling for Buddie. I know me saying this would cause certain audience to pelt me with accusations of fetishizing Buck or treating Eddie as nothing more than a vehicle for Queer Buck via Buddie- false! I actually think Eddie is an incredibly fascinating character, a deeply compelling representation of grief and fatherhood and masculinity, and also a hilariously weird lil bitch guy. I just don't feel like- especially having removed fanon glasses while actually starting to watch the show, and taking the time to acknowledge that the things about Buddie that appealed to me on a romantic level (this is NOT about their friendship which i stand by being beautiful and important) all boiled down elements I was reading within and onto BUCK specifically, not Eddie. Perhaps an impossible concept for some, the idea that Bi Buck could feel so real and apparent to me primarily divorced from the idea that Eddie had to be queer as well, but I won't bore you with my explanations for it, though I suspect the people tagged and still reading by this point know exactly what I am talking about.

All of this potentially obnoxious prologue to say, I've spent the last however many months falling in love with canon Bi Buck *insert footage of me speed running back into my daily fandom involvement/blog check ins the moment I knew Buck kissed a man*, with Bucktommy, and with Bucktommy fans.

For a long while there I had resigned myself to an odd, though perhaps not as unique as I thought, reality of loving and fully believing in Queer Buck, not necessarily feeling the same about Eddie or Buddie, but also in full agreement with many that already 6 seasons in with literally nothing else having remotely worked, Buddie would be the only satisfying conclusion for Buck's love story. This is again not exactly how I felt about Eddie- but a big part of that for me is that I don't think Eddie's primarily story in 911 is a love story. He's the vessel for telling other important, beautiful stories about fatherhood and forgiveness and that is OKAY bc not every characters story is a love story!!! Evan Buckley's is though (Despite some very weird and confusing things mr stark has just said about his character that actively contradict what hes previously said and what audiences have been looking at and for this entire time, but I digress)

But then! By whatever happy accident we want to call it 911 had Tommy Kinard fall back into its lap as the solution to what felt like the impossible: They found the ONE way they could introduce a non Eddie Diaz love interest for Buck that COULD be satisfying for Bucks story. Someone with connections to the 118 and the shows history and potential for further development within main storylines as his job directly pertains to their plots. Someone with such compelling connections for interweaving these two characters that it got us- including the showrunner- talking about the Red String of Fate. That it got some of the beloved tumblr pals I had been watching for years, who NEVER would have believed they'd ever root for a Buck endgame that wasnt Buddie doing exactly that, and with joy, love, and conviction. Again I'll ask, what else were me and my Buck loving brain to do but take Bucktommy into the folds and never let go? (apparently I hadn't considered that there was apparently horrifying alternative- more on that next!)

As you all damn well know, falling in love with Bucktommy has not come without its trails. I have never seen things in fandom as vile as the things I've seen go down here. And as I mentioned before, I've been IN IT with yall for a while, even if you didnt know it. I was here, lurking, and I know this fandom has had its highlight reels of racism and misogyny and harassment (despite certain factions current batshit consensus that things were "never bad" before *gasp* a couple of people, some over the ancient age *double gasp* of 30 heard about bucktommy through tumblr the same damn way the 90% of you who havent been watching since season 1 heard about buddie and decided to invest)

What happened tonight made me cry, for about 40 minutes straight. And yeah, its been a devastating week for us all for a lot of reasons. On top of the ~national dread (I'm a lesbian in the US btw) today was my 7th out of 9 straight days of open to close shifts in a demanding retail/management position, and I have a head cold so maybe this was just a Breaking Point after a whole lotta shit.

But also, maybe, it was really fucking shitty to watch this play out. I've already seen countless people say it better than I could. Yeah, its a tv show. It's a fictional ship. But its also escapism, a spot of joy many of us were extra dependent on this week. It was something GOOD, queer representation and a love story on national tv days after a horrifying reality set in for queer people, and we are allowed to acknowledge how much losing that sucks just on a general level for a second...

Second over, now lets talk not on the general level. Lets talk about how I've watched real human beings get harassed, sent death threats, be told they are faking cancer and failing to properly grieve dead loved ones, I've watched deeply homphobic language be adopted and incorporated into everyday use despite constant correction and pleas from queer men to knock it the hell off, I've watched homophia as a whole run rampant and unchecked by big blogs, with some biphobia to boot, I've seen some images of horrific anti gay violence and historical trauma invoked as a way to make fun of others, I've seen lesbianism slandered and proffered as an excuse for such vile behavior in a disgusting erasure of the beautiful solidarity that has historically existed between gay men and lesbians in the face of homophobia, and yes, I've seen graphic descriptions of child rape via targeted fanfiction attacks.

Again, others have already said it better than I can: This isn't about Bucktommy. It's about the way that everyone who was Pulling for them as a couple, who DARED to *checks scribble on hand* enjoy a canon queer mlm couple featuring a character (or two) they've grown to care deeply for, has been subjected to all the above mentioned and more, and for...what. For. What.

In the name of a fanon couple that has not been legitimized by the writers in 7 years? of a fanon character interpretation of a canonically straight man (not just assumed straight, verbally assigned straight now on multiple occasions) that people cannot fathom perceiving this show, let alone liking these characters, without? For the version of this story that, if the writers REALLY wanted to happen could have happened so many fucking times by now- especially when the show was coming to what might have been its end in s6- and still hasn't? A version that has been dismissed multiple times by the writers cast crew and every other unfortunate individual who has been harassed repeatedly about it?

And I'm not here to say Buddie is inherently bad!!!! It brought me into this same as the rest of you. I don't even believe it would necessarily be a bad or wrong conclusion for either character or the show were it to eventually, finally happen!! But for the love of god, hear me when i say from the outsider pov of someone who has experience the show in the way I did first through fandom then stepping back to watch for real and now watching it with my mother who is a near Exact representation of the general audience of this show (experienced Procedural watcher, no idea about Buddie or fandom interpretation, had no sense of gay eddie to speak of, and is not shocked but pleasantly surprised by and endeared by Bi Buck) you are SEVERELY deluded if you think what happened tonight by breaking up Bucktommy "makes sense" to any audience outside of buddies who've been writing manifestos for years about how every single thing in this show is "carefully, intentionally, clearly" leading to Buddie canon. I swear to you the people at home do not fucking see it. The people at home saw Buck in a nice, developing relationship that finally seemed to be going somewhere real for him after discovering an important part of his identity late in life, and then they saw that relationship abruptly ended and Buck heartbroken, going to sit with his best, still straight, bud Eddie Diaz. The ONLY people this makes sense for are the people who I am afraid it seems may have legimately bullied this into happening.

And if that is the case? We are sooo far fucking past the point of no return here. There is no true satisfaction in a Buddie canon endgame here for anyone who's lived through the past half a year in this fandom unless you were a perpetrator of any of the horrific shit mentioned above. I mean that with my whole fucking chest. If, and i do think it is a Big Fucking Fat if, Buddie does happen, and you find yourself no qualms happy and satisfied with it as your well earned endgame, I hope you know how rotted you are. And while I'm at it, I hope some way some how you come to see that this was not the carefully crafted beautifully developed loved story of all time you were gods bravest soldier in waiting for. Its just what left after years of meandering storytelling and cyclical character "development" with a bow slapped on top at the last moment because the gift giver was afraid you might kill them if they presented less.

Anyway. I said a million words ago that this was a love letter, and I do mean that. As much as its also been an mental health exercise for me to write this all out. So,

@kinardbuckleys @bucksboobs @kirkaut @tevankinkley @userautumn @sunglassesmish @tommyscurls @ohithankyou @buckxtommy @princessfbi @bigfootsmom @firewasabeast

(And so many other people I'm surely forgetting, and the few artists and writters on other platforms I dared to venture to- maybe never opening twitter again after this xoxo)

Thank you. You don't know me, I never quite got over the anxiety of trying to re-enter a fandom space after a time away, or maybe some of the imposter syndrome or embarrassment I felt accidentally falling in love with this show and Buck by just watching you all talk about him before anything else. But for the last few months, some of you years, you've been my community, my escape. I've loved watching your brains and your hearts work to discuss and create, even amidst the absolute shittiest fandom behavior Ive ever seen. And I am as grateful for getting to experience it from a far as I am devastated at the thought of losing it, of not individually typing in all your blog names (I was too anxious to even FOLLOW you guys truly rip) to see what new content or spec or art or love you had to share about Buck / Bucktommy every day.

In another life- one where idk perhaps people were kinder or showrunners weren't bullied and actors weren't dropped last minute after months of torment and a satisfying canon queer love story for a character who genuinely needs it could just Be in peace- I would have loved to one day put on my big girl pants (aka saved Buck url) joined the fandom for real. To have directly talked to any of you in a way that wasnt... this.

I would have loved to love Bucktommy with you.

[jack-daww]

Fanfic writing asks!

2, 4, 7, 10, 29, 35, 49, and 77?

Ooh, thank you for the ask! Let's see...

2: Where do you get your fic ideas?

Hard to say. I get inspired by just about anything. Stuff I read, conversations I have, situations I've either been in or heard about, you get the gist. When something catches my interest, my brain will start screaming ideas at me until it either leaks oit of my ears or I start writing it down and throw it into the ideas folder. I'm almost constantly spewing ideas, but not all of them are good, so sometimes it just gets put in my notes app on my phone and deleted later for lack of detail.

4: How do you choose which fic to write?

Well, I have a folder on my laptop in which every fic idea gets noted down as its own document. When I finish a WIP, I look through that folder and choose whichever I have the clearest picture of. I usually keep every idea in mind and only need a small reminder of what I had planned for it, so it really comes down to where my mind goes. Sometimes I'll also have a plot for one of those ideas in mind, so I don't need to spend time choosing at all.

7: Post a snippet from a WIP

Well, it might take a little while for me to post this WIP, but have something from my latest oneshot:

"There are shelves upon shelves of books and other nick-knack, making the room look bigger and more cramped at the same time. The walls are full of paintings of all kind and there is a single lamp hanging in the middle of the room."

This story is about a tea shop (vaguely based on a shop I have been to irl) and its weird regulars, as seen by an outsider. I haven't managed to work on it since I got sick, but it's about 1/5 done, I think?

10: Do you work on multiple WIPs or stick to one fic at a time?

Uhm, I do work on multiple fics, but I try to keep it to two at most, a longer one and a oneshot. I mostly write oneshots, so yeah. Sometimes I also work on three (when counting my very long-time project) but more than that gets overwhelming and ends up with me not writing anything.

29: What's something about your writing that you're proud of?

Probably how I write emotions. I'm an angst writer, so you can imagine that a lot of situations I write tend to get messy. But I've been told my characterizations are realistic, as well as how I write emotions, so I'm pretty proud of that.

35: What's your favourite fic that you've posted?

This is hard. Uh, let me take a look at what I've posted. (I am opening multiple tabs to look through my fics for this question and the next one)

This one is probably it? I really like how I wrote magic here and while it's not my typical style (normally I'm not quite this poetic) it was fun to write! I like most of my fics, so this was a hard choice, but I feel like this is a s close to a favourite as it gets.

49: What fic of yours would you say introduction to you as a writer?

This is hard too, damn. Hm, I would say my first fic, but I don't think that would be accurate to who I am as a writer today? My writing has improved over the last two years after all.

I have two different main writing styles and different dynamics depending on what fandom I write for, so I can't really tell which one it should be. I hope naming two isn't cheating, lol.

I think these are pretty good examples of my typical writing style and they're rather recent too, so they don't have as many mistakes as my old fics might have.

The first one shows a group dynamic I enjoy and the second one is pretty good too, though from a different fandom and with a different focus. Both fics are mainly about interpersonal relationships, which is what I mostly write about, and the level of angst my fics reach on average. I was tempted to pick one of my mcd fics for this, but that wouldn't be very representative of my writing.

77: Why do you enjoy writing fanfiction?

Well, I enjoy writing because I like creating scenarios and trying to get people to feel stuff. But if the question is why I enjoy writing fanfiction specifically, hm. Probably because I like exploring how characters react or playing around with character dynamics? Sometimes I want to portrait a specific dynamic/scenario/emotion and I can do that easier when the characters already exist. Also, the community is nice.

[inwintersolitude]

- July 25th 2023 -

Do you have any plans for tomorrow? Not much. My husband gets home from his last flight around 1 p.m., then we're going to go to the nearby garden center to buy more plants, and I'm probably going to make Tuscan chicken for dinner. But that's all I have planned.

What's the longest movie you've ever seen? The extended edition of The Return of the King. It's a little over 4 hours long.

What movies did you watch a lot as a kid? The ones I remember watching the most were The Lion King, The Land Before Time, and Cinderella.

How many rooms are in your home? 11.

Do you ever experience imposter syndrome? Nope, I can't think of a time where I have.

What was the last place you rode to in a car? As a passenger? Just into town to run errands with my husband, I think.

Do you have a PayPal account? If so, how often do you use it? Yep, I set one up because I make a monthly donation to my state's abortion fund and PayPal is the easiest way to do it. I think I've also used it for a few online shopping orders, too.

Are you cold right now? Nope.

How old will you be at your next birthday? 34.

Before this one, when was the last time you took a survey? A few days ago.

Can you skip rope? I haven't used a jump rope since I was a kid, but I'm sure I'd still remember how.

Have you ever participated in a charity fundraising event? Yep, numerous times. Maybe like 10?

What is your hair like at the moment? It's in a ponytail.

Do you like cucumber? Yes I love cucumber.

What do you like and dislike about your job? (or your last job) I like that I hardly work LOL. It takes me only a few hours a week to check my stock positions, look for potential stocks to buy, etc. And I like that I can work whenever I want, and I can take huge chunks of time off of work. And some things I dislike about it is that it's kind of monotonous, and it takes a little longer to do my taxes and makes it slightly more complicated.

Have you ever had a dream job? If so, did you give up on it, and why? Or do you happen to have that dream job? Yeah, my first airport operations job was my dream job at the time. I absolutely loved managing ground ops at that little airport, and I had a great boss and coworkers. I didn't give up on it, but I left and got a similar job at a different airport when my husband and I moved to Virginia for his airline career in 2013.

What's the last sitcom you watched? I think it was Parks and Rec.

What car did your parents or guardian drive when you were growing up? They had a bunch over the years. They had two Saab sedans when I was really little, then they got a Chrysler minivan in 1996 and my dad had a company car provided by his employer. They'd update the minivan every few years - they had two or three Honda Odysseys after the Chrysler, and my dad also got a new company car every few years.

Do you have milk in your fridge right now? What kind? Yep. 2 percent.

Are you left or right handed? Right.

If you have your ears pierced, how old were you when you got them done? I was 14.

Do you have any other piercings? Nope.

What was the last thing you wrote down in the notes app on your phone? I have a note that uses a script that I wrote to record when I take my anti-arrhythmia medication (so that I never forget if I did/didn't take it). I use my phone to scan a NFT sticker on the prescription bottle, and then the script records the date/time in the Notes app. As for what I last wrote down in there manually… it was a funny nickname that I randomly thought of for one of my birds, and I didn't want to forget it.

Have you ever been on a winery tour? Yep.

When was the last time you were hungover? I've only been drunk/hungover once. It was in 2012, on my honeymoon. We went to an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean (so, alcohol included), and I was like… hey why not, might as well see what it's like to be drunk. Turns out I hated the feeling of being drunk LOL. Never again.

Do you still have Facebook? If so, how often do you check it? Yep. I go on there maybe once a month.

Are you wearing your favourite colour today? My pants are navy blue, but they're a bit darker than the shade of dark/navy blue that I consider to be my favorite.

Would you ever want to visit South Korea? Eh, possibly. It used to be higher on my list of places I'd want to go, but the more I read about South Korea and the more I learn about their cultural problems with xenophobia and misogyny, the less interested I am in visiting.

How many times in your life have you been in love? Just this once.

Do you like your name? Yep.

[warmspice]

On one hand u get anxiety from responding too late and on the other hand u get anxiety from not responding at all