#Anyways yeah! Suicidal Nikolai is definitely something I want more people to mess around with it's such an interesting concept.

[im-a-chunky-potato]

Im in a writing mood, so have a little thing I wrote for Fyolai! It's...certainly not happy though.

(Tw for suicide)

Dear Fedya,

Ah, it's been a while since we've talked now hasn't it? 2 weeks in fact, since I held your hand to my heart and said a sorrowful goodbye.

I know you'll never read this, but I just need to say some things before I go. I can't let everything I've done go to waste, but let me explain first.

I thought when you died, I'd finally be gifted my true freedom. With nobody to tie me down, perhaps then my heart could rest easy.

But I should've known you wouldn't make it that easy. How long had we been working together? And look at all we accomplished... how close we got to accomplishing your goals...and more importantly how close we we began to understand each other.

...though perhaps the last part is one sided. I never could understand you, but you could see me to my very core. It was terrifying certainly, and yet that was the first time.

The first time I fell in love with you.

Its all so clear now that you're gone. All the emotions that I believed were chaining me up, was simply my love for you. And now that you're gone, my heart aches even more.

These emotions, I can't escape them. The loneliness of this all, the need for someone to understand me as much as you did. Which is why, tonight I shall finally be free.

As I write this note, I stand atop the same place you died. Ironic is it not? There's still the blood stain from your hand, the scent of iron in the air. Seems no one could be bothered to clean it for you.

Of course, I will do that for you. You never were one for messes anyways...I even brought a few flowers. You would find it sappy, but I find it brings a sense of finality. The sense that there's nothing I can do, you really won't be back for me.

Oh dear, teardrops are getting on the paper...I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry. I'm sorry for it all in fact. Perhaps there was something I could've done, something I should've said to change this outcome.

But alas, you don't need to worry for me. Tonight, I plan to join the birds in the sky, if not only for a second. My sinful heart is too heavy to allow for flight, so I shall plummet to the ground and crash.

You'll probably see this as weak, but what else can I do? I'm completely lost without you, a lamb without a shepard, as you would say.

...As I glance up at the stars, I can't help but wonder if you're still out there somewhere, laughing at me right now.

But, I'm rambling far too much, Fedya. This is out goodbye, the final act of our story together. What a shame we're finishing our story off as a tragedy...

Goodbye, Fedya. I loved you, so, so, much. Take my body as my final offering to you, the only thing I have left to give. And as I soar into the sky, know you'll be the only thing I think about, my final thought before I perform my finally trick.

Your best friend,

Nikolai Gogol.