#And then I'm wondering why my anxiety/panic attacks have been God awful these four days... Gee I wonder why!

[iero]

Had a panic attack that literally woke me up in the middle of the night last night and lasted until the early morning and let me tell you, that shit is TERRIFYING. Needless to say, I think I'm ready to go back to work.

[oh-theatre]

Sycamore High: Pick Me (Chapter 6)

A/N: Um, I cried while writing this sorry?? Um, I love Bill so... please leave some comments! Would really appreciate them! Also, I wrote the panic attack based on how I know them to be, and Ted's method is something my friend does with me!

summary: Just a regular old lunch session or it was until something set Bill off

words: 2,317

warnings: Swearing, negative thoughts, panic/anxiety attack, angst

Ao3 link

Pick me

Choose me

Love me

A few months went by, the hope diminished

Pick me

Choose me

It's going to be ok, every kid gets their turn

Pick me

Just hold out a little longer, they will come. 

~~~~

“Earth to Bill” A voice said across the lunch table. Bill blinked and looked towards the source of the voice. Ted sat next to him, eyes expectant. 

“Hm?” Bill hummed

“I was wondering if I could have some of your fries”  Ted repeated cautiously “You ok Bud?”  Bill nodded while sliding his fries to his friend. Ted wasn't convinced but took the fries and decided not to push. Bill adjusted his glasses and observed the table. Emma and Charlotte sat on the other side, they had joined them today. Bill smiled, he enjoyed their company and found they brought a lot to the group. Paul sat at the ‘head’ of the table. Bill saw their mouths moving but it was white noise, he gave one last look before returning to his book. He flipped back a few pages realizing he hadn't really processed what he had read. He began to read but it all came flooding back…

Bill sat quietly in the corner of the playroom, a book in his lap and a plush toy in his hand. He read while the others yearned for attention, screaming and running all over the place. Bill continued reading, he held a book in his hand, his current favorite ‘ The Land Of Stories’. Bill would occasionally look up, but he stayed focused on his book. Bill was used to this by now, he used to be one of them. Excited, he wouldn't run or scream but he wouldn't shy away. He would want someone to notice him, to pick him! Now, however, he just wanted to read and get the day over with. However, it seemed, there were other plans. Bill noticed a shadow appear at slightly peeking over his book. He looked up to see a smiling face shining down on him, he closed his book and curiously looked at the stranger. 

“Hello, I'm Mandy ...Mandy Dorris”

“Hey… happy anniversary bud” Bill snapped back to present time, he looked over to Ted who’s statement had now silenced the group.

“Hmm?” Bill hummed

“Your anniversary, it's today right?” Ted repeated, concern flashed his eyes. Bill thought about this for a moment before nodding slowly.

“I suppose it is” He said realizing this himself. Ted furrowed his brows but before he could say anything Emma chimed in.

“Anniversary? Of what?” She looked between Ted and Bill “Aww are you two married?” She joked the table fell over an awkward silence. Paul prepared for the worst, Bill did the same. 

“Is everything a fucking joke to you?” Ted snapped, he usually was the more joking kind but there were certain subjects that you just didn't… you couldn't. Emma's awkward smile faltered and she looked between Ted and Charlotte. 

“I… what?” She managed, she looked to Paul for help. He sighed and turned to Ted.

“Ted, it's fine she just didn't know” Paul reassured, Emma, inhaled sharply. Bill tried to take a deep breath awaiting Ted's response but only felt more breathless in his attempt. He tried again.

“Fine” Ted said firmly “But then just say that instead of making a joke of it” Ted defended, Bill wasn't listening, why can't I breathe? Emma nodded still confused, and Paul looked between the two. Bill tried, again and again, the two continued to argue. He couldn't hear them, he shut his fists and squeezed. Feel something, He thought, anything. He kept trying to breathe, it wasn't really concern more just curiosity but clearly, his friends didn't see it that way. The arguing which had grown immensely over the last moments had ceased. He felt his body move, he turned expectantly to see a very worried Ted shaking him.

“Bill? Bill?” His friend repeated, voice choked… why? “Bill, look at me” I am… Bill thought. “Bill tell me… 5 things you can see around you. Right now” Why? Ted's voice washed over him, he could feel Ted's shaky hands but his voice was stable. Bill decided to amuse Ted and do what he said, but he couldn't. He couldn't speak… panic set in. Why can't I speak?

“Bill?” Ted repeated again, he felt Ted pull away but Bill grabbed his hands again. 

Please don't let go

“Ok.. ok Bill I need you to do what I say then..ok?” Ted looked over to Emma and Charlotte “One of you please get the nurse...please” He begged, The girls had never heard him so...sincere. They jumped up and raced to the nurse. Paul sat on the other side of Bill now, he awaited Ted's instructions. “Bill? 5 things you can see, right now” Ted repeated

Pick me 

“Bill” He heard Pauls soft voice say

Speak! Words! Say something!

“What can you see, please” Ted's voice spoke in a soft whisper, he squeezed Bill's hand lightly “I'm here, I'm right here...Bill” He reassured

Choose me

“Paul” Bill finally managed… he tried to breathe again but he couldn't. “I..I can see Paul…” he took a slow look around “And… and my bag” He said to Ted, Ted smiled proudly and nodded.

Look at you, pathetic

Pick me

“My lunch, and um… my book” 

That's four, you fucking idiot

“I'm not stupid” He said in a pained whisper. Ted glanced to Paul

“No you aren't, you're the smartest person I know” Ted said, Paul nodded in agreement “You know exactly how to help us with our homework but still teach us in the process. You read faster than anybody I've ever met but can still recite every single word after.”

Oh you can read, congratulations you fucking 1st grader

“That's not smart” Bill whispered, he wasn't really sure who he was talking to

“Yes, it is” Ted said firmly “You know facts about everything when we play video games you are always in awe and constantly point out things about that Paul and I would have never noticed. You constantly beat us with sheer intelligence, because you pay attention and your smart and plan things out, you know big words and understand what they mean when you use them” Ted chuckled, Bill gave a soft laugh. “But you also know feelings, you understand what we need and why. I can text you out of random, I don't even have to say a word but you know exactly what I need. Bill in every single way you are the smartest person I know…” He paused “So, what's one more thing you can see” Bill finally met Ted's eyes and hoped that the grateful look translated between them. 

“I can see you, Ted” He said, reassuring himself that was the name of his friend. Ted nodded smiling. They continued, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Paul encouraging him every step of the way, Ted never let go of Bill's hands and never faltered. They continued until the girls returned with the nurse. They ventured to the nurse's office, Ted guiding Bill the entire way. Both of them too scared to let go. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” The nurse whispered softly to Ted, He nodded and was ushered to a corner in the office to talk to her. Bill’s eyes grew heavy, when was the last time I slept, He thought. He looked to his hands to find them empty, he grew fidgety.

Pressure… I need pressure

He felt a sudden squeeze in his arms.

“I've got you Bill” Bill looked up to see Paul sitting in front of him, mimicking Teds arm holding. He nodded slowly, he examined the room again and again. He felt paul move to his side on the bed, Bill took a deep breath and collapsed softly into Pauls's shoulder. He felt Paul immediately receive him, no tension, no hesitation. He wrapped his arms around his friend applying pressure. He ran his fingers through Bill's hair softly.

“I've got you… I've got you” He whispered repeatedly until Bill fell asleep. Ted returned and sat on Bills other side. The nurse insisted the children return to class, that Bill would be fine. The girls wanted to stay but gave in finally. The boys, however, didn't even acknowledge the nurse. They weren't leaving, they were staying right here. 

~~~~

“He hasn't had one like this in a long time” Paul whispered softly over Bills head to Ted. Ted sighed exhausted and shook his head.  

“No, He hasn't” He gave Bill a sympathetic look “I… I don't know what to do” He admitted resigned. Paul sighed and reached his free hand to Ted's shoulder. 

“You did great, seriously” Paul reassured “Sorry I froze up on you for a moment, it's just been awhile” Paul said staring at his small friends face, his glasses were pushed up against Pauls's shoulders, he removed them carefully and placed them on the table next to him. Bill’s breaths were even and calm, much to the boy's relief. “Do you think… “

“The arguing? Yeah, I think that set him off” Ted shook his head “God why… why can't I just stay calm” Shame filled Ted's voice.

“Don't do that Ted, it's not your fault” Paul said, the two of them were having some serious deja vu 

“It's just… It's an important day for him… and Emma she just-” Ted struggled

“I know” Paul interjected “I would've said something, I just didn't want to escalate anything” Paul took a moment “I'm so used to us three knowing what's going on, what to do, all of that” He looked to Bill “I guess I just forgot that… maybe I should've… I should have explained to them before I invited them, ya know? Just told them how we work, you've got a temper and you make jokes” Paul looked at his friend, they laughed “Bill is quiet, but we need to keep an eye on him” Paul said looking at his friend fondly. 

“And you?” Ted inquired. Paul stared at the wall and shrugged

“I'm… awkward, and indecisive about what I want….” Ted laughed “What? It's true…” 

“Mmhmm” Ted simply hummed 

~~~~

Ted looked down at Bill “We should probably take him home” Paul nodded looking at the clock. The nurse had let them stay throughout the rest of the day, class was going to end soon. “I'll go check with the nurse” Ted informed before making his way into her office. Paul sighed, he took Bills glasses and cleaned them up a bit, Ted returned.

“All good to go” He said, Paul nodded. Ted made his way to Bill to wake him up but was quickly stopped by the ear-piercing ring of the bell rang throughout the halls and rooms. Bill jumped awake knocking Paul in the face. 

“What's going on?” Bill rushed, he looked around examining his surroundings, slowly everything came back to him. He shied away, his face growing red at the realization of what happened. “Oh” 

“Ow” Paul mumbled rubbing his nose, Bill gave him an apologetic look. “S’okay” He said placing Bills glasses carefully on his face. Bill adjusted them quickly and nodded.

“Thanks…” He glanced between Ted and Paul, he kicked the ground “For everything” He added. Paul smiled fondly and nodded, Ted followed his actions.

“Always bud” Ted said “We should get you home now, your dad’ll get worried if you're not home soon” Bill nodded and got up slowly, surprised but the lightheadedness he felt, he swayed back and forth bracing for the cold ground but instead felt arms take his shoulders and gave him a stable footing. “I’ve got you,” Ted said gripping Bills shoulders “Walking duty” He winked, the friends laughed before making their way to Paul's car. Bill sat in the back with Ted, he was still tired and Ted had offered him his shoulder. The ride to Bill's house was pretty long, no busses came by and Bill couldn't drive so Paul and him usually carpooled. Ted and Paul began a conversation about video games, Bill laughed sleepily before nodding off onto Ted's shoulder.

~~~~

“Hot chocolate boy” Ted said suddenly staring out the window

“Hmm?” Bill hummed sleepily. He yawned before sitting up straight and rubbing his eyes

“That's hot chocolate boy” Ted said pointing out the window as if that clarified anything. Bill rolled his eyes and returned to his position on Ted's shoulder “I saw him in the hall the other day, he was running through the halls with hot chocolate” He heard Ted's small gasp “And he has one today, Bill look!” Ted nudged his tired friend who sighed slightly annoyed sitting up again. He looked out the window, they were stuck in traffic. He looked to where Ted was pointing, the boy wore suspenders and a bowtie, his hair had small pigtails in them, and just as Ted had said, he was holding a hot chocolate. He looked over at his friend who was smiling excitedly, everything clicked and Bill couldn't help but smile. He indulged his friend's antics a tad longer before leaning into Ted again who let him. He listened to Ted talk about hot chocolate boy for a while longer.

“...His little marshmallows and-” Bill quickly interjected

“And you like him” He whispered into Ted's shoulder, he heard stutter and mumble ‘not true’ and ‘no I dont’ were thrown into the mix. Bill simply smiled smugly

“I regret telling you about anything” Ted said low enough for only Bill to hear. Bill, who had his eyes closed and was half asleep at this point just smiled fondly recalling the conversation he and Ted had the other day.

“You regret it cause I'm right” He said finally, but before Ted could retaliate Bill was already asleep.