#And if I couldn't be in my bedroom I was at work dissociating so hard I got fired for it 😶‍🌫️

[blue-banditt]

hey brain can you please be stable for ONE DAY I beg of you I can't handle the never knowing my actual true feelings and opinions about things and feeling so dissociated from the person I was 15 min ago that I start questioning my existence

[rragnaroks]

okay so it's been nearly a month since the p!atd concert and the london trip and i've had time to process and i feel like writing it down

first off i'd almost forgotten what it's like to have a mutual obsession with someone. my sister and i discussed the album and the songs and their various meanings to death and enjoyed every second of it.

my sis, before the concert, out of the blue realised what "maggie" meant and suddenly everything made sense. the whole album. it was fucking agonizing actually. sad clown especially. and don't let the light go out. we had seats in the seated portion of the audience but stood up for the entire performance because we wanted increase the percentage of people who stood up for the viva las vengeance songs. and not only because of that, but because the songds are fucking bangers. it fucking hurt my heart to see how few people actually knew those songs. the chick next to me was on her instagram the whole show up to "i write sins", when she took her phone out and filmed the show, then left immediately after. it made me so sad.

besides that the experience was. otherwordly. i sort of left my body there for a minute. i write sins not tragedies felt surreal. i cried so hard i felt i couldn't breathe. and i was in my dad's office, downloading the song on my mp3 player and actually paying for it cause i loved it so much, and arguing about my music taste with him; and i was in the back of the car that is now mine, leaving the big city far away from home, peeling the plastic off the record i'd been trying to find everywhere, and waiting for my turn on the remaining working portable cd player, reading the cover leaflet and feeling carsick but not minding it because there were songs on the album i'd never heard; and i was sitting on my childhood bedroom floor crafting something with my sister and trying to get her to like my new favourite band and failing because i was singing over all my favourite bits; and yet i was there at the O2 arena finding it really difficult to dissociate to THAT song, oscillating between the moment where I was maniacally happy and screaming every word in sync with the crowd and also sobbing and shaking, and visiting the past, while brendon told us he loved us, seeming like he really meant it and it really made him happy (the songs on the album and the music videos say this is what happens and that this is what he loves and craves, but needs to let go of for his own sake), and my sister was there behind me and put her hand on my shoulder as the tears poured down my cheeks and my shoulders shook. just before then brendon had sang nine in the afternoon, which is the equivalent song in meaning to my sister. we were both crying and singing and smiling and happy. i was fucking ecstatic, and close to hyperventilating. it was unbelievably meaningful to me and i'm tearing up just thinking about it.

i went to the second to last panic! at the disco concert ever. i'd been dreaming of that since i was like 12 years old. my sister and i had that mutual dream and we'd never made it a reality until now. and if we'd made it a reality before now it wouldn't have been as special. it would have been fangirling and worshipping at the altar of brendon and now it was. catharsis and like. personal fulfillment. it was a lifelong dream come true at the best possible moment.