#ANYWAYS I HOPE ALL THE ADVICE DOESN'T COME OFF AS PRETENTIOUS | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

whumpmatsus · 3 years ago

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So. Todomatsu always ACTS like he hates that Karamatsu is so eccentric, but we all know he actually doesn't mind that much. If anyone else made fun of him for that stuff, I can't help but think he wouldn't let it fly. So what about a situation where Karamatsu gets made fun of/bullied/put down by someone OUTSIDE the family for being the way he be and Todomatsu gets an opportunity to go into full protective mode over him??

OH SHIT the youngest of them goes feral

dare I say... RELEASE THE BABY!!!!!

God I love Zaimoku, it’s so good <3

If Totty is being completely, utterly, unfailingly honest with himself, his brothers need his help if one of them is going to be going on a date.

Really, he’s the only one who has any clue about how to act on a date! He could hit his big brothers over the head with a Clue-by-four with that shit and they still wouldn’t really get it.

Even so… part of him thinks he shouldn’t really be following Karamatsu to a date. Karamatsu is the one Totty knows is never going to come running to him for advice or assistance, especially with girls; he’s got the undeserved ego of an avocado toast sandwich. Totty isn’t sure he’d be pleased to know his baby brother tagged along not because he has to sort out a schedule thing at work, but because he wants to keep an eye on Karamatsu.

What else is he supposed to do, though? Just let Karamatsu go alone and totally blow it? His usual behavior aside, Totty really wants his big brothers to be happy and have fulfilling relationships. He thinks if he can be there to keep an eye on things, well, maybe it won’t go so bad. Maybe Karamatsu will have a shot with this woman. Maybe he’ll get a girlfriend!

The very idea was enough to make him feel a little better about lying so that his brother will take him along. It eases his conscience, imagining that if he manages to help Karamatsu out to the point that the second eldest ends up in a loving, joyful relationship, (obviously as opposed to the past few horrible ones he’s had), then a little fib isn’t so bad, is it?

After all, if he were the one in need of something like this, he’d be grateful for his brothers’ help however they did it.

Of course, when he sees the look this girl gives Karamatsu, a look like the kind a baby gives after licking a lemon for the first time, Totty can’t help but wince. This isn’t off to a great start. He lingers by the counter, greeting Sacchi and Aida, trying not to look as if he’s watching his big brother’s date.

“Aren’t you off today, Totty?” Sacchi hums as she turns to start making a drink.

He nods. “Yeah, well, I can’t stay away, I guess, haha.”

Aida jerks her head toward the table where Karamatsu and his date are. “That’s one of your brothers, right? Still as painful as ever,” she teases. “Is he… oh, my God, he’s on a date??”

“Shhhh, shh!” Totty waves his hands a little, hoping to get his friends to quiet down a little. The last thing Karamatsu needs is to be drawing attention. “He thinks I tagged along to talk to you guys about my schedule. But, yes, he’s here on a date.”

Sacchi finishes serving her customer, one of the few in the shop at the moment, and then leans against the counter to look over. “Aw, good for him. He’s not either of our types, but he deserves a shot with someone who’s interested.”

He lets out a soft sigh. “Agreed there. I kind of just wanna keep an eye on him, you know? To make sure he doesn’t mess it up too much. He should have let me pick his outfit, ugh… that aside, he’s doing okay so far, though, I think.”

Aida frowns as she slides a cup of coffee toward her coworker. “Um, I hate to burst your bubble, but he’s got his work cut out for him. I’ve been to some mixers with that girl, and she always finds something wrong with every guy she hangs out with.”

“She’s right,” Sacchi adds. “Good thing you came along so you can carry him home, ‘cause that girl’s gonna tear him to pieces. I mean, she went out with Atsushi and the next day he was in here crying and telling me she made him feel two inches tall. Nobody’s good enough for her.”

Aida clicks her tongue. “Your big brother’s in big trouble, Totty.”

It’s Totty’s turn to frown as he looks toward Karamatsu. Unfortunately, Sutabaa is so small and he’s close enough that he doesn’t have to strain too much to hear what’s being said.

The woman is laughing. However… Karamatsu hasn’t even really opened his mouth yet. “Oh, my God! You’re my date, huh? Last time I let my sister set me up. That bitch, haha. Ah, well… wow, your jacket is hurting my eyes. Could you take it off?”

Karamatsu seems to be trying his best to smile. “O-oh, yes, of course.” He moves to tug it off, folding it over the back of his chair. “Please forgive me. Anyway, my name is Karamatsu. And you, my angel?”

“Ahaha, WHAT?” The woman raises an eyebrow at him. “C’mon, dude. Don’t call me that. I’m nobody’s angel.”

Totty feels himself starting to steam. You’ve got that right.

“A-ah… right, my apologies.” Karamatsu just keeps smiling. The expression on his face reads almost like he’s in pain. “Well, should we order?”

She gives a cursory glance toward the menu, then suddenly her eyes are drawn to Karamatsu again. “Oh, my God, hold on… is… is that your face on your shirt?! Holy shit! Are you really that full of yourself?”

Totty’s heart sinks as his brother’s cheeks flush bright red. This is not going well. And while, yes, Karamatsu probably should have picked a different shirt, what’s really wrong with what he’s wearing? Even though he’s a little over-the-top and dramatic, this woman can’t know whether or not he’s ‘full of himself’ when she’s barely letting him get a word in.

Totty is the most socially intelligent of his brothers, and even he doesn’t think Karamatsu’s actually doing anything wrong. He hasn’t drawn anyone else’s attention like he usually does, he hasn’t gone overboard with any poses, and he’s… kind of just being himself, slightly toned down. It’s not like he’s bragging or being a jerk. Hell, it’s just a strange fashion choice; how the hell does she think it has any bearing on what he’s like as a person?

“Damn,” Sacchi cringes. “She’s not wasting any time, is she?”

Aida gives a pout toward her friends. “He didn’t even do anything wrong yet. He’s been a perfect gentleman.”

“Yeah, he’s just a little odd and, like, a tiny bit painful. But he’s acting really nice and polite.” Sacchi sighs as she props her head up on her hand. “There’s no pleasing some people. Aida, why don’t you go take their order? Maybe you can accidentally spill it on that pretentious top of hers when you bring it to them.”

“Pfff, if only. I’m on it, though.”

Totty continues to fume as he watches his poor brother try to impress this girl, pretty much in vain. He gets the feeling that nothing Karamatsu says or does is going to be good enough. For some reason, that really pisses him off. Despite the fact that Karamatsu can be a bit much, that he’s overcompensating for being insecure on the inside, that everyone rolls their eyes at him… Karamatsu isn’t a bad guy. He tries hard to make other people happy and treats them with respect. Even his brothers who don’t always return the favor.

By the point Sacchi and Aida are finished making their order, the youngest is ready to explode at this woman. She never even told Karamatsu her name, but she’s spent the whole time talking him down. When she asked what he did ‘besides be super excruciating’, and he told her he didn’t really have a job, she laughed at him. He tried to save it by saying he occasionally played guitar at coffee shops, and she responded something along the lines of, “What kind of hipster loser does that these days??”

Listening to it just makes him so angry. She doesn’t think Karamatsu is attractive, she’s called him embarrassing more than once, and no matter what he does or says, she’s not happy with it. Why the fuck did she even bother going out with him, then?

Totty was worried that Karamatsu was going to screw this up; so far he’s actually managed to be a decent date. He wasn’t prepared for his brother’s date to be the shitty one.

Sacchi brings him a simple iced coffee while Aida returns with the serving tray, a fake smile on her face from laughing uncomfortably at one of the woman’s comments. “God, she’s exhausting.”

“I don’t even know her and I can’t stand her,” Totty mutterrs before taking a sip of his drink. “Why the hell is she treating him like that? He’s just… being himself!”

Being himself. Karamatsu’s really not doing anything wrong. He’s trying to talk himself up when this woman gives him a chance to, but who doesn’t talk themself up on a first date? He just wants to impress her.

It makes Totty feel a little guilty to realize that, honestly, all Karamatsu really wants is to impress everyone because he wants people to like him… including his brothers. If Karamatsu feels the need to seek love and acceptance from strangers like this girl, to the point that he’s willing to put up with the horrible way she’s treating him, what does that say about his brothers? It’s not the first time he’s sucked it up and dealt with something he shouldn’t have from someone just because he wants that person to love him.

His attention is drawn by the woman giggling a little too loudly. “Fuck, you wanna go out with me again? I mean, how do you think this is going? I’m two seconds away from sneaking out the bathroom window. You’re so obnoxious, you dress like an edgy middle schooler, and who wears sunglasses inside, especially when it’s raining outside? You’re, like, cringe incarnate.”

Completely contradicting every statement she made, she slid her hand across the table to take his, if only for a brief moment. The wicked look in her eyes, more sadistic than even Ichimatsu, made Totty’s stomach twist in anger. “I might keep you around, though. You seem like a guy who’d keep me laughing for a while. Maybe next time I’ll take you out with my friends so everyone can laugh at you.”

Oh, that’s it.

He doesn’t know if Karamatsu is oblivious to what she means because he’s blinded and deafened by the promise of another date, or if he knows exactly what she means but perhaps thinks it’s worth it. His eyes light up… and behind that hopeful spark is the pain she’s already put him through.

Baby of the bunch though he is, Totty isn’t going to sit around and twiddle his thumbs while some bitch takes advantage of his big brother.

“Oh, that is sooooo not happening!” he calls as he approaches the table. Although he feels a little bad about just stepping in like this, he’s not gonna let her get away with treating Karamatsu like that. Laughing at him herself was bad enough; parading him in front of her friends for all of them to laugh at him when there’s nothing wrong with Karamatsu isn’t gonna happen if Totty has something to say about it.

The woman gives him an unimpressed look. “Who the fuck are you?”

“T-Totty!!” Karamatsu, on the other hand, looks immediately panicked. “I can handle this… please, go back and fix your schedule, and I’ll meet you at home.”

“Wait, you work here?” She tilts her head at him. “Oh, shit, hold up. You’re the asshole who messed up my drink last time I was here.” Her gaze flits between the two of them, and she laughs again.

“― Oh, my God! You had to bring your twin brother along to come on a date? You’re pathetic!” Her hand pulls away from Karamatsu’s. “Oh, you’re definitely coming out with me and my friends.”

Totty hisses and pushes her hand away from Karamatsu’s. He steps in front of his big brother to physically block this woman from him. “Keep your hands off him! You’re not taking him anywhere. He’s never seeing you again, because you treated him like… like, fuck, I wouldn’t treat a rock the way you treated him!”

He hears Karamatsu make a noise of almost-protest behind him; he can just imagine the other man sinking down in his seat and trying to hide his face. “Totty, please…”

“No! No, she doesn’t get to just treat you like dirt, Karamatsu-nii-san! You think my brother’s just some kind of dumbass you can show off to your friends and laugh at and treat him like crap?!” he snarls. “Well, guess what? He may be sort of a dumbass sometimes, and maybe he’s a little painful, and maybe he’s not the perfect guy you’re looking for! But he’s a whole hell of a better person than you are!”

Although Totty could kick himself for not saying anything to Karamatsu before, it might be best it’s coming out now. He doesn’t have a lot of time to really think about it or pretend or rehearse. What he’s saying isn’t practiced, it’s real. “Karamatsu is the kindest person I know, and you wish you had at least half the passion he does for the things he likes! Who cares that he wears a shirt with his own face on it? He was bending over backwards to make you happy, even though everything out of your mouth was word barf about how embarrassing he is! And, by the way, you’re wrong!”

It only takes half a step for him to reach over to grab his coffee from the counter, assisted by Aida who’s smirking as she holds it out for him. “If my choice was between you or him, I’d be way less embarrassed to be seen in public with him than with you! He’s not perfect, but he cares about people, and he’s always there when you need him, and ― and all this stuff you think is embarrassing, who the hell gives a shit?! It’s what he wants to do and it’s not hurting anyone! I’d break my phone before I let my big brother go out with someone like you again! Maybe he keeps striking out with dates, but he’s never going to be that desperate!”

He feels a little bad about what he’s about to do. That feeling is mitigated by the fact that at least his coffee isn’t hot.

“And, you know, I actually am sorry about messing up your drink last time. So here, you can have mine!” Almost before he’s finished speaking, he’s dumped his entire cup over her head.

He doesn’t stick around to deal with the aftermath aside from seeing the look of abject horror on the woman’s face as the coffee makes her bad mascara drip. And even though there’s a little bit of guilt over the fact that he’s leaving his coworkers to deal with her, the fact that Sacchi and Aida are cackling while they gather up napkins eases his mind.

He grabs Karamatsu by the hand and leads him out, tossing his coffee cup on the way. There’s not much choice on Karamatsu’s part, except he doesn’t particularly look as if he minds that.

“You didn’t… have to do that, Totty,” Karamatsu mumbles. When Totty glances over, the second eldest looks more tired than anything. He knows that look; the exhaustion of something not working out, of thinking you had a chance only for it to all go up in smoke.

Totty huffs, marching the two of them in the direction that leads back home. “Of course I did! You weren’t going to do it, so someone had to. God… you’ve gotta stop letting people walk all over you, Karamatsu-nii-chan.”

The shift to the more affectionate honorific suggests to Karamatsu that this is really, truly something Totty cares about. He squeezes his baby brother’s hand with a thoughtful hum. “… If that’s the case, perhaps a romance for me just isn’t in the cards. I… really thought it was going to go somewhere this time.”

At last Totty slows slightly, from an aggressive pace to something a little calmer. He’s still pissed off that someone treated Karamatsu like that, and although he’s a bit upset that Karamatsu sit there and let it happen, he knows what it’s like to want people to like you so much that you’ll put up with nearly anything.

However, that’s also the reason he doesn’t want Karamatsu just putting up with it. He deserves so much better than to have people treat him like dirt. It’s not right to do that to anybody, but… especially not to Totty’s big brother.

“I’m sorry I kind of… tapped into Murder Totty in there,” he sighs. “Did I go overboard?”

Karamatsu shrugs. “Maybe a little. But I wasn’t truly enjoying myself and I didn’t want to go on another date with her. I just… didn’t know how to tell her no. I suppose I really am lucky you were there, too.”

Silence falls between them while they walk, then after a moment, Karamatsu clears his throat. “Totty… did you… mean all those things?”

“Huh? All what things?”

“Those things, you know… you said I was… kind and passionate and reliable.” He lets out a soft laugh. “You… you said you’d rather break your phone than let me go out with her again.”

… Oh. He. Did say that, didn’t he?

He pouts a bit, then squeezes Karamatsu’s hand. “Yeah, I meant it. Of course I meant it.”

Beat.

“But as much as I love you, I’m just glad I don’t have to do that.”

#Osomatsu san #whump #Zaimokumatsu #Karamatsu #Totty #emotional whump #TOTTY TO THE RESCUE!!!!#don't you dare fuck with any of his big brothers ESPECIALLY the most vulnerable of his big brothers #RELEASE THE BABY!!!

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years ago

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Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Just had to suffer my sister at her worst but also think she won't talk to me or you now so Janis: 👍🤞 Jimmy: 🎻 Jimmy: Tah though baby 👍 Janis: 🖕 You have no idea dickhead Janis: owe me for how much she blames me 'cos of course Jimmy: we can plan our first date Jimmy: shout you drinks when it happens & work out how most to piss her off 'til then Janis: Decent Janis: have to make it last longer than a few days so she can eat shit/her words Janis: not the date, she ain't that demanding I hope Jimmy: 'ave til school starts, that should be long enough? Jimmy: what sorta dates are #goals for her & her mates Janis: Fine by me, probs a record for that lot honestly Janis: Eurgh, hold on Janis: lemme get into the headspace of a basic bitch Jimmy: & i can serve a record number of frappes to 'em in that time, less time all 'round when it ain't hols no more Jimmy: 👌😂 Jimmy: needs to be bearable for us too Janis: Wasn't betting on it with you for company, babe Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: You love me now, remember Janis: Shh, the more you talk the harder this is Janis: I dunno, every cliche in the book probably, like can't actually just go down the pub, that is not a thotsquad approved #goal Jimmy: hang on, in my house we don't play charades or owt but I'll 'ave a go... 🖕 Jimmy: where did her last bae take your sister? Janis: How many syllables? Jimmy: as many as dickhead has Jimmy: flicks? then we don't have to talk Janis: Tap 'em out, come on Janis: it's two, just so you know Janis: Yeah, that'd work Janis: are you going to make me see something pretentious and artsy or what though Jimmy: you wouldn't like that, smart girl? Jimmy: gotta be a horror film, don't it? That's the cliche Janis: 'course, nothing like a heavy dose of fear to get a girl in the mood Janis: how could I forget Jimmy: food & drinks before or after? since you eat, unlike your sister Janis: After, means there was a chance we got off on the backrow 'fore tucking in to all the garlic or whatever posh food always has in it Jimmy: I can't be back too late though for real Janis: Alright Janis: post it after Janis: doubt our classmates are gonna be hanging 'bout any food place that ain't nandos or maccas so Jimmy: It's your turn on the 'gram, sweetheart Janis: Great 🙄 Jimmy: Fake more enthusiasm when you type out the #s Jimmy: if your sister's likely to be about I'll pick you up Jimmy: say when Janis: 'course Janis: when more's at stake than just your ego darling 😘 Janis: when do you need to be back for real Janis: it doesn't matter to me Jimmy: 9ish at latest Jimmy: but if anyone asks we were out 'til whenever Jimmy: my sister ain't gonna dob us in as liars Janis: Shit man, wha'd'ya do? Janis: 'course though Janis: mine happily would but she ain't that bright, and easily avoided so it's cool Jimmy: nowt like what you're thinking Janis: coulda gone with that Janis: actually sound impressive Jimmy: why? Jimmy: you getting bored of me already, Jessica? Jimmy: 💔 Janis: just saying, bit of inspiration wouldn't go amiss if you want this post to be 🔥 Janis: but don't worry, I'm a pro even if you're not bringing your A game Jimmy: if you need it when the bar's this low, we are doomed Jimmy: got weeks of this yet, girl Janis: shut up, misery Janis: just worried you can't keep up Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 Jimmy: a well deep wound Janis: You want 'em to piss off or nah, boy Jimmy: save your nagging 'til you next visit me at work Jimmy: the audience will lap it up Janis: Yeah yeah, you just wanna fully appreciate in person don't lie Jimmy: rumbled 😍 Janis: Hm, know your type, mate Janis: probably tell me your shifts so I can drop in casual Janis: not dedicated enough to work it out like they have, soz Jimmy: [sends his work schedule] Jimmy: get in before I get sacked 🙄 Janis: are you only the best barista in looks then? 💔 Jimmy: don't be a dickhead Jimmy: you tasted that smoothie Jimmy: but your sister's head bitch is here with her latest male victim Jimmy: I can only be so 😁 Janis: do the world, him and me a favour and poison hers, like 😒 Janis: your manager will understand Jimmy: Is she not immune to most? Jimmy: Looks like she's about to swallow this lad 🐍 Janis: 😷 Janis: Throw water at her, cool her down and she'll melt Jimmy: deal Janis: knew you had your uses Jimmy: she keeps looking at me Jimmy: waiting for my invite to sit down and join in Janis: probably Janis: or she's trying to turn you into stone, run away then, boy 🙄 Jimmy: if she can get anyone hard with one of them looks I despair at Leprechaun country more than I had done Janis: 😏 Janis: Actually funny, give you that Janis: she reckons Jimmy: Funny enough to come save me? Janis: Hmm Janis: How scared are you? Gotta let it get high enough, most hero points Jimmy: I'll let you know when she unhinges her jaw fully Janis: 👍 Janis: quite the party trick Jimmy: go on, I'll ramp up the 😍 Jimmy: make her think you're really irresistible Janis: Think? Janis: Bitch, she knows Jimmy: She fancies you? Jimmy: That explains a lot Janis: I don't know what her actual damage is Janis: would explain the over-the-top homophobia, like Jimmy: I'll show her what she's missing then Jimmy: work appropriate PDA Janis: 😍 when you put it like that Jimmy: gotta pay up Jimmy: like you said, I owe you for Grace Jimmy: how far do you want me to go? Janis: Oh 'scuse me whilst I take a moment to swoon Janis: 😂 Jimmy: Don't take too long if you don't want her to leave Jimmy: which I know you don't Jimmy: she's been chatting shit loudly about you, for my benefit, since she got here Janis: 😒 Glad to know she's as much a cunt behind my back as she is to my face Janis: true friend 💕 Janis: Reckon we can manage to show you're actually interested in ME and not just getting off with any bitch or too pie in the sky Jimmy: Easy Jimmy: Put your hair up so I can take it down that's the most cliche thing I can think of Janis: Sorted Janis: it's up anyway, had to go to the gym after that delightful convo with Gracie Jimmy: If you can keep your sick in your mouth & not over me, I'll remember your name, just for this Jimmy: Jennifer, right? Janis: I know you can read Janis: not that Northern Jimmy: Do you? Jimmy: I might be faking that too Janis: You running every message by your colleague first then? Janis: I should get off with him too, only fair Jimmy: wait til Mona's gone probably Jimmy: what do you wanna drink/eat? I'll pretend it's spontaneous 'cause I can read you so well 💕 Janis: She'd respect it, slutbag Janis: the others would defs not though so I'll be sly with it, don't worry Janis: Clearly a non-shit smoothie is our thing, babe 💕 Janis: and anything with protein, not fussy Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: Take some selfies with me, we'll work out who's gonna post what later Janis: Gotta give the fans what they want Jimmy: gotta give the #haters what they don't Janis: You know it Janis: by the time School rolls back 'round, you're gonna be so forgettable Jimmy: 🤞 Janis: No wishing 'bout it, boy Janis: I get shit done 💪 Jimmy: Don't make me like you Jimmy: Not what we're here for Janis: 🙄 Don't be soft Jimmy: Do your job & I won't be, will I? Jimmy: 😍 remember Janis: Yeah 😏 Do your best to look dead blue ball'd in these selfies Janis: what could be more #goals than a boy not instantly going off you when you don't spread 'em on first sight, appaz Janis: and our bar is low yeah Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: It's been a while, I can do that Janis: 🎻 Janis: Bollocks has it Jimmy: Hard to believe 'cause you want me so bad but actually has Janis: 🖕 Janis: if you have as many fans as you claiming, they ain't all so unbearable you ain't gone there Jimmy: yeah they are Janis: ⬆ standards, is it Jimmy: standards Jimmy: any Janis: Admirable Jimmy: Piss off Janis: Deadly serious Jimmy: nah you're not Janis: Giving you a few months 'fore you're one of 'em Janis: that's all Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: back to being brutal now then Janis: You want saving from this whole town, that'd cost more than you'd be willing to give, boy Janis: get you eventually Jimmy: I'll be gone before that happens Janis: Yeah? Jimmy: I didn't wanna come here in the first place, I'm not making it my shamrock patch to die in Janis: Me either, mate Jimmy: You better shut up and get a move on before we find owt else we've got in common Janis: 'Less you want me to show up all sweaty and have it be known that's what you're into you'll calm the fuck down and lemme finish Jimmy: If I cared that much what people thought I was into have dressed you before you first showed up here Janis: Cunt Janis: if I wanted unwarranted fashion advice, I'd have stayed home and alked to my sister some more Jimmy: Can't seduce a girl without a leather jacket, by your own reckoning Jimmy: So you're wrong or I don't care, do I? Janis: I'm right, you just like complaining Janis: it ain't like you've been catfished here Jimmy: you've been whinging since you got in my inbox, Jolene Janis: You're the one who's shit scared of falling so you keep 🤐 anything else Jimmy: You don't know me Jimmy: guess again Janis: I'm good Janis: only need to know the fake you tso this isn't a waste of time Jimmy: 💔 Janis: but give me the basic rundown over dinner, yeah Janis: just in case anyone asks when your birthday is or some shit Jimmy: chatting something useful? Who are you? Jimmy: Top one, Julie Janis: Funny Janis: I'll be fucking fuming if it's soon, I ain't getting you anything Jimmy: We'll be over before then Jimmy: When's yours? Janis: 13th October, so same Jimmy: Gutted I can't make Grace share with me as well Janis: 😒 Don't even Janis: basically have to leave the country to get away, no joke how serious she takes it Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎸🎺🎻 Jimmy: you get the whole orchestra for that one, baby Janis: I'll let her know you want the joint party, see how musical you feeling then Jimmy: I've already told you, you ain't breaking my heart Jimmy: do your worst Janis: hour 3 of picking out fucking Janis: napkin colours Janis: and she will Jimmy: nah don't have to listen Jimmy: she don't want any real input Janis: i know you've heard how loud she is Janis: there's no option Jimmy: bollocks Janis: I'm telling you, take my place Jimmy: I'm telling you, customer service has trained me Jimmy: Challenge accepted Janis: Have fun Janis: Imma do one with your fit workmate ✌ Jimmy: You'd have to find one first Janis: Easy Jimmy: if that's your type, sweetheart Janis: Not an amateur like the bitches who concern themselves with you, I've scoped the joint once, I'm good to go Janis: Don't be jealous, you asked for this Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: It's pity not jealousy Jimmy: if you think any of 'em are fit you need your eyes checked at least and at worst, like....scrapping Janis: I didn't know you'd ranked 'em all outta 10 already, my bad Janis: if you got claims, just say, girl code Jimmy: what the fuck is girl code? Janis: Fucked if I know but unsurprised I'm apparently in violation 'cos Gracie ain't getting exactly what she wants 🤷 Janis: ask if you can get a word in Jimmy: tah, mate Janis: I know, she's scary Janis: save your streetcred and keep it hush Jimmy: what street cred? I'm dating you Janis: Actually do one Jimmy: you don't feel no different about me Jimmy: we ain't pretending here Janis: I've had enough of it for one day though so you'll have to have a go tomorrow, like Jimmy: alright, white flag Jimmy: relax, Janis Janis: Whatever, yeah Janis: omw Jimmy: I'll get the smoothie ready so you don't have to wait Jimmy: it's the little things that are #goals yeah? Janis: 💕 Janis: so sweet Jimmy: save it Jimmy: we've got a show to put on Jimmy: Myrtle's really stepped hers up, on the hate & the love Janis: Least she's coming up for air Janis: What's she saying then? Jimmy: not worth repeating when we can just shut it down Janis: I just feel sorry for the lad Janis: his idea of a hot date probably isn't a bitching sesh Jimmy: he looks like he's enjoying himself Janis: 😷 the casualties of the job they didn't warn you about, yeah Jimmy: if you want any food you're braver than me Janis: Given but Janis: ew Jimmy: don't be a dickhead after the white flag's gone up Janis: awh babes Janis: don't you wanna play dirty? Jimmy: like I said, save it, babes Janis: 😏 fine Janis: dry Jimmy: I get it, you want me Jimmy: you can regret that it's fake later Janis: Yeah, be one for the deathbed, that 🙄 Jimmy: I'll bring the orchestra in Janis: you'll be long gone Janis: 💔 can kill, you know Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: alright, Juliet, steady on Janis: 🥊 ain't pulling no Janis: you shoulda done more research, boyo Jimmy: Minerva's meant to be drinking the poison not you, love Jimmy: & absolutely not me Janis: ahh so it's true Janis: you DO pull that stunt on all the girls 😏 amateur Jimmy: call me an amateur after if you still think so Janis: happily Jimmy: Love you too, baby Janis: 🤢 Janis: blow your load that quick we're in real trouble Jimmy: what are you wearing today? Jimmy: 'cause unless you've got the leathers out Janis: 😂 kicking it old school sex hotline okay Janis: gym things, obviously Janis: men, never listen 😏 Jimmy: we're in no danger then Janis: 💔 Jimmy: 🎻 Janis: rude when i'm blowing off the gym juice boy for you Jimmy: if you want to bring him to CG to dangle in front of your enemy, go on Janis: Poor boy Janis: she has enough playthings without my help Jimmy: they'll both be gutted Jimmy: learn to share, Joni Janis: fuck off Janis: had a lifetime as is Jimmy: I ain't an only child Jimmy: you don't get no violin Janis: how many you got, 1, 2 Janis: and you ain't twins with the most annoying bitch in ireland, possibly the world Jimmy: take it up with your Irish catholic parents or whatever Jimmy: probably the pope Janis: how irish catholic do i look boy Jimmy: your ma looks it Jimmy: that'll do Janis: send her to the fucking laundries and bury us all in the mass grave Janis: good luck n all da Jimmy: cheery today you Janis: ain't my fault fallen women don't get you going Janis: what's wrong with you man Jimmy: if that's your #goal we are proper doomed Jimmy: couldn't be more turned off if I tried Janis: tell you ain't catholic Janis: love to hate the sin hatefuck the sinner baby, that's how we're rolling Jimmy: I'm not C of E never mind that Jimmy: there's no god under my roof, girl Jimmy: never been Janis: Lucky you Janis: we're not all #blessed Jimmy: 🎻 Jimmy: my dad will love to hear that we are, tah Janis: welcome Janis: way too soon to attempt impressing parents but clearly that overachiever Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: bring that enthusiasm to my counter, babe Janis: hot Jimmy: like you said, bar's low Janis: low enough you reckon i'm hopping my arse up on it for you, apparently Jimmy: why not? Janis: depends Janis: is it a challenge Jimmy: You gonna accept it if it is? Janis: Obviously Janis: 🥇 Jimmy: Go on then, thrill me, Justine Janis: Easy Jimmy: Easy for you to say now, yeah Janis: Easy for you to chat back now too Jimmy: I'll pretend to like it, difficult as that'll be Jimmy: So doesn't matter Janis: you need me, remember that Jimmy: I've not forgotten Jimmy: don't need to kiss your arse before you get here though Janis: no one's asking you to go that far, tah Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: well you never answered how far you DO want me to Janis: Don't be stupid Jimmy: Not #goals if you slap me in front of Mia, is it? Janis: Not for you anyway Jimmy: Draw me the line Jimmy: I won't cross it Jimmy: Not hard Janis: You're not thick, no sense doing anything more than what's appropriate for the audience, like Janis: why do I have to spell it out Jimmy: 'Cause you hate her Jimmy: So how much do you? Janis: How much do I hate her? Janis: That's a question and then some, like Jimmy: I can make it as hot and her as jealous as you want Jimmy: Like you said, not thick Janis: Yeah? Jimmy: Do the same for me if I ask Jimmy: & yeah Janis: Alright Jimmy: 👌 Janis: I'm here Janis: be hot Jimmy: 🔥🎆🚒 Janis: Oh my God, you actual loser 😏 Jimmy: don't call me a loser when I'm about to help you win Janis: okay okay, teamwork, yeah? Jimmy: I've been putting in work you ain't even asked for being 😍 at my phone this whole time so she knows its you Jimmy: pull your weight, dickhead Janis: admire the dedication Jimmy: match it then Janis: oi 💪 always Jimmy: 🥇 yeah? Janis: Too right Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [After] Janis: Is your phone blowing up too or am I just the un🍀 one? Jimmy: my co-workers are Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: you could be in with some of 'em now for real Janis: Good stuff, secondary goal achieved too Janis: Go us Jimmy: Mia's not gonna put us on blast like a new wave gossip girl, is she? Jimmy: Do without my sister seeing any of that Janis: I don't reckon she would, she shouldn't seem as invested as she is, not cool Janis: she's just shown her little mates, Grace included Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: keep your win without me whinging then Janis: Just get her done for making material with minors in if she does, problem solved 🤷 Janis: not taking my 🥇 Jimmy: we gonna cool things off for not looking to keen or go all in with first date bollocks? Janis: I mean, probably occupy their tiny minds for a bit but leave it too long and I go back to looking #desperate so Janis: still up for going ahead whenever you are Jimmy: day or two? Jimmy: made me want you for a bit but not too long Janis: Cool Janis: I'd buy it Jimmy: more like two and you can act like I'm blowing your phone up Jimmy: tilt your screen 🙄 Janis: For sure Janis: hmu with those 'wyd' texts Jimmy: & impressive selfies Jimmy: you ain't the only one capable Janis: mhmm show me what i'm missing 😏 Jimmy: 🤤 Jimmy: you ran off so quick we didn't take any coupley ones #rookie mistake Jimmy: remind me next time Janis: you know, own personal photographer and hater in one with mia Janis: even if she ain't thinking of my angles Jimmy: she didn't get mine either Jimmy: 💔 Janis: honestly, talk about distracted on the job Jimmy: some people, mate Jimmy: have you looked though? did the job for us Jimmy: & livened up her story Janis: Welcome, if I had to see another generic selfie from her 🔫 Janis: Who knew I was so popular? Jimmy: Me, that's why we're 💕 Janis: All part of the masterplan Janis: I'll skillfully ignore these DM requests, like Jimmy: we've made our point Jimmy: slide into as many DMs as you like, darling Janis: 👍 tah Janis: least let you get a date in, kinda the point Jimmy: point is, you're not gay & I'm not interested in what Mia & co are offering Jimmy: but I won't deprive you of a date now, that'd be so snide Janis: 🙄 gracious Jimmy: we don't have to sit through a whole shit film, do we? Jimmy: as long as we check in & our audience know we're there Janis: you gotta be home by 9 anyway so Jimmy: Mia's not gonna like turn up in shades to watch us in the back row now she'd had a glimpse Jimmy: 'Cause I wanna just eat Janis: Got enough wank bank material keep her going Janis: let's just eat then, I don't care, never nothing good on anyway Jimmy: where's good grub wise? I ain't been nowhere yet Janis: I know places, I'll pick somewhere actually decent, not just #goals Janis: just don't tell my Dad Jimmy: 😍😍😍 tah bae Jimmy: what's your dad gonna do if I chat to him about decent food? Janis: chat how his is better and no one needs a first date at their own dad's restaurant Janis: never mind a fake one Jimmy: 💔 gutted Jimmy: I could've made a 🔥 first impression for you, girl Janis: 😂 gone to your head, lad Janis: don't need to impress him, or any of 'em Jimmy: could though Jimmy: multi talented Jimmy joined the chat 7 hours ago Janis: and the oscar goes to Janis: keep your talents away from my fam, tah Jimmy: Alright, Jackie, you've got a deal Janis: careful, make a habit of it Jimmy: gotta for as long as you need me Janis: 💕 Jimmy: then I'll bin school off & go hollywood 😎 Janis: See no flaws in the plan Janis: big enough town I can go too and blank ya or? Janis: any out, like Jimmy: I'm no expert but I'd guess yeah Janis: Did you just admit you don't know everything? Janis: Omg, definitely isn't you Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: You're the one who tries to chat that you do Janis: I don't try, I just do, babe Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: We were having a moment plotting our new life & you had to be a dickhead Jimmy: ruin everything you Janis: You have to warn me when we're having moments Janis: I wasn't on, God Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: Used it all up for Mia Janis: real love of my life, naturally 😒 Jimmy: You crush me, Josie Janis: I know, I know Janis: I did warn you Jimmy: Make it up to me by naming a decent pub Jimmy: I need somewhere to go after work Janis: Whelan's is a decent shout Jimmy: 👍 Janis: for your vibe Janis: lots of leather, lots of indie but the craic is actually decent and it ain't tourist hell so Jimmy: I'll let you know if you're right Jimmy: know you can't wait to find out Janis: Hanging on the phone, like 🖕 Jimmy: If I find any girls irresistible I'll keep it off the 'gram, don't worry Janis: 👍 Jimmy: this shift is dragging after Mia gate Jimmy: if I text her will she come back? Janis: You mean they're ripping the piss too hard Janis: Obviously she would but can you not Jimmy: leave it out Jimmy: I've handled worse from you Janis: Brave boy Jimmy: Don't join in Jimmy: not an invite Janis: alright alright Janis: is the fit one invited whelan's with you or nah? i need to know if he's got enough bants or what Jimmy: weren't planning on inviting any of 'em soz to 💔 Janis: least i know he's free Jimmy: keep winning today Jimmy: you're welcome, babe Janis: You know Janis: couldn't have done it without you Jimmy: coulda asked your fave barista Jimmy: next time he'll be well ready to take you up on it Janis: not got a dealwith him, have i Jimmy: wouldn't be hard to make one Jimmy: you've got his attention & I can give you his details Janis: don't be a dick Jimmy: What? Janis: Not fir hire Janis: I'm helping you out because you're helping me out, that's it Janis: it ain't that Jimmy: If you like him, get with him Janis: Maybe I will but don't concern yourself with the set-up Jimmy: I'm helping you out 'cause you helped me out, that's it Janis: Well don't Jimmy: Alright Janis: Have a good night 👍 Jimmy: 👌 Janis: [sends restaurant deets] Janis: shall I book this or not? Jimmy: Yeah Jimmy: I'm working 'til 6 but I'll get ready here & come straight to get you Janis: K Janis: See you then then, just bring your selfie A game Jimmy: just get my good side Janis: 📸 or 👊? Jimmy: depends what mood you're in, Jill Jimmy: guess we'll find out Janis: depends on how much of a pain in my are you plan on being Jimmy: depends what kind of day I've had Jimmy: & how much of a dickhead you plan on being Janis: isn't that just my natural state of being Jimmy: when you're chatting yeah Janis: Backatcha Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: better at not Jimmy: but don't need to tell you that after earlier Janis: shame, really Jimmy: why? Janis: That we have to talk to make this thing believable Janis: trust, I'd rather just the other too Jimmy: I can piss off Jimmy: it's believable now Jimmy: don't have to keep chatting away Janis: You said you'd make me look good, and I so do not right now, so you can't get out of it yet Jimmy: I made you look great Jimmy: rewatch the story Jimmy: & what I'm chatting is, some couples barely do, so we don't have to Janis: other lads who want the same, i grant you but you miss all the comments calling me a slag or what Janis: obvs, i ain't trying to keep you Jimmy: I'll follow through, we've got a deal Jimmy: but you don't have to have me as your specialist subject on a quiz show Janis: piss off Janis: i ain't them or tryna be so don't play like i am Jimmy: Ask me what you need & then we don't have to talk for ages Jimmy: job done Janis: I have, where's the bit where I'm asking you 'bout the weather? Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: Jesus Jimmy: he don't exist to me, remember? Jimmy: you gotta listen if you wanna keep this believable, girl Janis: not my specialist subject, babe Jimmy: 💔 Janis: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕 Jimmy: lovely you are Jimmy: remind me to take you home to meet the parents ASAP Janis: yeah thank fuck it ain't real, right Jimmy: if it were I wouldn't offer Janis: if you're trying to put me off, I already know you're a dick Janis: it's not necessary Jimmy: trying to put them off Jimmy: one dinner with you & I wouldn't have to be at the next however many Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 💔 too bad that ain't part of the deal then Jimmy: could be? Jimmy: You agreed to go all in for me when I asked Jimmy: like I did for you with Mia Janis: Ha, you wanna live to regret it just name the time, mate Jimmy: I'll let you know when the next family dinner is Jimmy: My dad's due a new girlfriend about now Janis: I'll do my best not to seduce her Jimmy: Don't let me stop you Jimmy: 'ave your fun while you can, he don't keep 'em long Janis: Gutting, no doubt Jimmy: for who? Jimmy: don't reckon anyone's 💔 Janis: Yeah, I gathered Janis: well not really a sloppy seconds kinda girl but if there's no love lost and that's what you want, like Janis: done is done Jimmy: 💕 last great romantic you Janis: Let it be known Jimmy: hang on, I'll tweet it Janis: 😏 as far as subtweets go, I'm getting worse, babe Jimmy: 🎻 Janis: Just saying, up your game, boy Jimmy: What you want me to do, tweet you a nude? Jimmy: Calm down, Jen Janis: I know even you ain't that cocky, no pun intended, new boy Jimmy: Nah? Janis: Nah, all chat Janis: like I said, sad, really 😥 Jimmy: Hold on, the lighting in here is shit Janis: 😂 #priorities Jimmy: [tweets it 'cos I'll never actually find one] Janis: as if you actually did that Jimmy: when I get snatched by a man with a van full of sweets, on your head Janis: 💔 i'll use that picture on the posters, like Jimmy: edit the lighting tah Jimmy: still shit Janis: you tryna be an insta model or what, mate Jimmy: could be Jimmy: you ain't paying me for my time, rich girl Janis: those skinny tea #ads will be coming in no time Jimmy: 💔 locked out of my account so I'll never know what my Juliet tweeted me back Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: not a nude back so you ain't missing anything good Jimmy: course of true love & all that Jimmy: still gutted Janis: I'll compile screenshots of the most blatant thirsty hoes, can go over 'em on our date Janis: don't say I never do nothing for you Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: making me fall hard for you, babe Janis: I know, gift and a curse, truly Jimmy: its the gym clothes Jimmy: could've warned me Janis: 😏 you never seen a bitch in a sports bra Jimmy: nah Jimmy: its too cold up north for owt like that Janis: 😂 running in all your layers Jimmy: spot on Janis: know it's grim but the sweat would be no joke Janis: dirrrrrty Jimmy: I ain't a runner & I don't know any Jimmy: take your word, mate Jimmy: kills me getting the dog out Janis: all them 🚬 Janis: not a stalker, 'fore you start Janis: tasted 'em second-hand, bit rude Jimmy: 💀💀💀💀 Jimmy: if you get cancer of the 👅 bill me for your medical Janis: 💕 true love Janis: resisted the urge to tell a rich bitch to pay for her own if she hates dying so much and everything, so proud Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: one make out sesh & I'm a changed man, baby #your influence Janis: so gonna quote that on twitter, really shame you now you ain't about to stop me 😈 Jimmy: 'ave at it Jimmy: gimme more warning next time & 🚭 for real though Janis: Better than teacher coffee breath, which is what I was mentally preparing for tbh Jimmy: brutal Jimmy: actually 💔 me now Janis: It's good Janis: you ain't as much of a filthy hipster as I reckoned Jimmy: On the level, Janet, I don't like coffee Jimmy: just need it sometimes 😫 Jimmy: kinda like you & I Janis: No judgment, boy Janis: all got our vices but at the price CG is selling, you'd be better off getting proper amphetamines Jimmy: staff discount is mint Jimmy: but tah for the concern Janis: that's me Janis: lovely Jimmy: had 'em as a kid anyway before I outgrew it Jimmy: nowt to shout 'bout Janis: Good to know you ain't that kinda #cringe Jimmy: what kind? Janis: the 'thinks getting off his face is a personality trait' kind Janis: do what you gotta but don't be tryna act like it should wow me, you know Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: my ex was a bit of that, in the end Janis: yeah, lots are, all fun and games 'til it ain't then it's like a constant fucking comedown or they can't hack it Jimmy: nothing close to fun & games up north, mate, only grim, remember? 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: anyway she's got a kid now so clean up or fuck up Janis: 😬 Oosh Janis: you're not a runaway baby daddy, are you Jimmy: nah Janis: 🍀 Jimmy: friend of her dad's, I think Janis: Nice Janis: not gross at all, sir Jimmy: Like I said, grim Janis: not any better here let's be real Janis: not all little gingers and pots of gold Jimmy: don't tell my dad he moved us here 🤞 Jimmy: and so I wouldn't gatecrash her wedding & offer to raise her kid but neither here nor there Janis: 🤐 Janis: gutting, i doubt her dad's mate is minted or hot Jimmy: he ain't Jimmy: he's 45, works in a factory, smokes more and gyms less than me Jimmy: but my dad is 'bout a year behind the times Jimmy: too late for my objections 💔 Janis: oh girl, no Janis: tragedy all 'round Jimmy: she's on my friend's list if you wanna give her the orchestra Janis: don't worry, entertained enough by my fans rn Janis: don't need to passive-aggressively ruin the poor bitch for the lols Jimmy: so sad to be missing out Janis: you're sorely missed, i promise you Janis: not by me, obvs but you know Jimmy: who by? Jimmy: can't fake it forever, can I? Jimmy: gotta get a real girl one day Janis: You can't wait 'til the date for the list I ALREADY promised yas? Jimmy: I told you this shift is dragging it's arse, Judith Janis: you got tinder downloaded? no doubt sly bitches are swarming already Jimmy: nah but probably should Jimmy: if its that or tell you more of my origin story Janis: I ain't asking, batman, chill out Jimmy: but I'm chatting Jimmy: fuck knows why I've said what I've already said Janis: don't matter, who am I telling? Jimmy: twitter for all I know Janis: nah Janis: give me some credit Janis: not funny, for starters, like Jimmy: story of my life Jimmy: there's a joke in there somewhere Janis: 🎻 Janis: they ain't ready for the inside joke that is Jimmy: I'm still not inviting any other dickheads but come for a drink tonight if you want Janis: Alright Janis: devvo all my besties ain't gona be there but you'll do Jimmy: you can bring whoever I'm just saying I ain't Janis: I'm good Janis: not dealing with the disappointment when he realizes it ain't a threesome with ya Jimmy: #my influence Janis: Truly, babe Janis: with bad lighting and all 🔥 Jimmy: I could've done better but you put me on the spot Janis: 😂 it's alright, couldn't see it, you don't have to hit me with performance excuses yet Jimmy: or ever Jimmy: you're faking it & telling me you are Jimmy: #goals Janis: so much easier Jimmy: so convincing earlier I'm wondering if my ex ever wanted to kiss me 💔🎻💔 Janis: leave it a few 'til you ring her asking Janis: least you can be/pretend to be pissed Jimmy: don't wanna know Janis: unless her type is exclusively really undesirable old blokes Janis: you're fine Jimmy: maybe it is & you're being catfished Jimmy: look like a teen, am in my 40s Janis: I mean, I'm good, I'll call the garda and get mad sympathy and compensation Janis: can't lose, baby Jimmy: stick with me, Janine Janis: why not Jimmy: you don't even have to kiss me tonight Jimmy: wins keep coming Janis: 🍀 Janis: born with it Jimmy: maybe its leprechauns Janis: 😂 Jimmy: if you're Irish why are you so tall? Jimmy: shatters my illusions Janis: Half Brazilian too, and quarter plain old English scum Jimmy: you're a smoothie of a girl Jimmy: lovely Janis: Steady on 😬 call me exotic and stick me on the menu whilst you're at it Jimmy: be better than what's on Jimmy: you taste better than you chat Janis: ha Janis: dread to think how we're representing english in a smoothie...like, blended fry-up or what? Jimmy: tea? Janis: You know I'm actually Scouse with it so maybe you just wanna chop me up and use my blood, like Janis: 😬 #awks Jimmy: Yeah? Jimmy: must be why we have such an affinity Janis: that what we're calling it? 😏 Jimmy: what do you wanna label it? Jimmy: fake chemistry? Janis: Famistry sounds ridiculous Janis: serious suggestions only please Jimmy: sounds like we're gonna do blood tests & tell people their family trees Janis: 💸 Janis: only if i can tell people they're adopted or their uncle is their dad Janis: spice things up Jimmy: only if I can make a smoothie to represent them at the end Janis: 🎨 #artiste Jimmy: fuck mia, if I text you will you come back Jimmy: bored Janis: really? you let me get home before deciding this? 🙄 Janis: and you've sent me/twitter the nude already, how mind-blowing is this text gonna be, like 😏 Jimmy: is that a challenge or a flat out nah Janis: When you working 'til, like 6? Jimmy: Yep Janis: if we're going pub after anyway, guess I could come that bit earlier, what's it matter, like Janis: go forth and text impress, boy Jimmy: walk me, you romantic Jimmy: 💕 Janis: real old school Janis: you want flowers so you can really make all the other lads jealous or what Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: with this hayfever? you're alright Janis: 😍 sexy Janis: can't hack a bit of pollen, love that for you Jimmy: piss off Janis: 😂 Janis: poor boy, stick to getting the pints in, yeah? Jimmy: it's my #excuse for the fans for why you ain't getting no 🎕 Jimmy: & yeah Janis: literally what are you meant to do with 'em anyway Janis: waste Jimmy: watch 'em die Jimmy: like the feelings you caught for the wrong bae Janis: deep 🚬 Jimmy: gonna be a twitter poet if I ever get my account back Janis: i can see it Janis: gonna have to chuck you before then Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: [okay but sends her a really hot sext cos challenge accepted from a moment ago but I can't write it cos I'm me, myself & I so imagine] Jimmy: Screenshot that for me 'til then Janis: 😳 Janis: You want me to get suspended for your filth too? Jimmy: censor it if you must Janis: you can't censor #art babe Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Done Jimmy: with me or my artistic flair? Janis: I screenshotted it Jimmy: I wasn't serious Jimmy: but join me on the ban list I guess Janis: I'll delete it Janis: I did some generous cropping anyway Jimmy: leave it Jimmy: don't wanna look like you regret your choices Jimmy: not #goals Janis: soz Jimmy: nah you're not Janis: i mean, again warn a bitch when it's a joke, yeah Jimmy: I sound good what do I care? Janis: exactly, nothing but favours Jimmy: for you too Jimmy: not gonna look desperate waiting on that date now, are you? Janis: you want a thank you or? Jimmy: I want a fucking drink but I'm too keen Jimmy: not time yet Janis: 'less you're buzzing for another smoothie Jimmy: tasted enough of yours tah Janis: no room to complain Janis: you made it, ash tray Jimmy: I wasn't Jimmy: calm down, rich girl, you're supposed to be nice to your servers now Janis: You reckon I ain't been nice enough to you for one day? Jimmy: depends Jimmy: If I say nah are you gonna be nicer or meaner? Janis: See how I'm feeling, I guess Janis: and how much of a dickhead you're being 😜 Jimmy: 💔 deep wounds Jimmy: you've got the wrong fake boyfriend 'cause I would obviously not act like that towards you, Judy Janis: 😏 my mistake Janis: jog my memory, which one are you then? Jimmy: northern prince charming 💕 Jimmy: gets banned from twitter for you, makes you personalised drinks, hates the same people you hate Janis: Ahh, him Jimmy: what do you drink anyway? feel like I should know even if this round's off the 'gram Janis: Have whatever you're having Janis: not tryna be that easy but I don't drink often enough to be arsed Janis: don't feel special, like Jimmy: Actually so romantic though 😍 Janis: 🖕 shh Jimmy: it's pints either lager, ales or snakebite/snakebite & black Jimmy: I'll let you pick 'cause I am too Janis: twitter feed been knew and blessed, babe Janis: go 🐍 Janis: seems fitting Jimmy: how did you guess I saved the best for last? Janis: The affinity, obviously Jimmy: don't feel special but you're less of a dickhead today Janis: This is like the second time you've spoke to me, judgy cunt 😂 Jimmy: I've had a month of silent judgement going Janis: Well, how can I not feel special now, eh Jimmy: on everyone not just you Jimmy: but yeah if I'd known all I had to do was stage an elaborate fake kiss to make you specifically less annoying then Janis: spoilsport Janis: 😑 Jimmy: I know 💔 Janis: Something like that Janis: twat Jimmy: What? Jimmy: I was giving you a real compliment Janis: Yeah yeah Janis: save it for the 'gram lover boy Jimmy: 😭 Janis: need a drink in you immediately Janis: soft cunt Jimmy: immediately after I get changed out of this uniform 💔 for you Janis: i ain't complaining Janis: EXACTLY what we mean when we say love a man in uniform, right ladies 😍 Jimmy: it gets you going, I felt it Jimmy: or you wanna admit to that just being me? 💕 Janis: nah Janis: 100% the apron and promise of the decent discount Jimmy: Knew it Janis: should be glad, like Jimmy: why? Janis: don't want me falling for you, nightmare Jimmy: better than your sister Jimmy: marginally Jimmy: or are you an entirely different girl when it's real 💘? Janis: fuck you fucking marginally, you can say no tah without associating me with her Janis: guess we'll never know Janis: 💔 tragedy Jimmy: not directly Jimmy: I'm sure I'll see it on the 'gram when you're doing this all for real Janis: knew it Janis: #stalkeebecomesthestalker Jimmy: it's my destiny Jimmy: obsessed with you, Juliet Janis: One fake kiss and it's a done deal Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: gift and curse Janis: will be more careful next time i fake date, tah for the experience, like Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Apparently they're having an emergency sleepover at ours tonight... Janis: my sister fully wants me dead, bye 😂 Jimmy: do you have somewhere else you can sleep or is it a one eye open job? Janis: I'll go to my Grandparents Janis: don't need to wake up to them in my face ready to sacrifice me or whatever nah Jimmy: We could say we're having our own emergency sleepover Jimmy: really put the nail in your coffin Janis: 😂 Janis: amazing Jimmy: what's more goals than sleeping with you and still taking you out to dinner, yeah? Jimmy: You're a really good lay, have a steak 😍 you know Janis: you've got a point Janis: beats a text back, like Jimmy: I often do, dickhead, catch up Jimmy: you can stay here if you think it'll get back to the oracle that you weren't Jimmy: here being my house not this 2nd home, don't sleep at the CG, I would be sacked Janis: 🖕 Firstly Janis: Secondly, probably for the best or we'll have start faking the noises and I don't trust them to not wanna go whole hog and watch Janis: the one with the bog eye gonna put me off Janis: soz hun Janis: lastly it's really fucked with my fantasy that you don't tbh, least keep the little hat on Jimmy: my room's a box, that gonna be a problem for you, rich girl? Janis: I'm an actual basement dweller, it's fine Jimmy: My dad is Jimmy: you'll get on like a house on 🔥 Janis: do my best to avoid him even if the walk of shame is fake, he's not gonna know that Jimmy: might fall for him, have a baby & get married Jimmy: happens more than you'd reckon Janis: 🤢 Janis: not my speed Janis: no offense old man Jimmy: for the best, I look nothing like him Jimmy: & I'm your type so Janis: Obviously Jimmy: I'll be in with my brother, knock on the wall if you need owt Jimmy: another fake kiss, a twitter ban, whatever Janis: 🙄 Clearly you don't me but I trust you to control yourself, you know Janis: don't need to exile yourself on my behalf, like Jimmy: If I don't it'll be three in a bed Jimmy: you don't want that Janis: Ah right, fair play Janis: thought the poor bastard might be like 12 or whatever and like piss off jim Jimmy: my sister is Jimmy: ignore her, she'll fuck you up 🥊 Janis: Noted 😏 Jimmy: could be gay & fall in love with you Jimmy: #awkward Janis: I'll calm down how hot I am Janis: apart from that, just a rabid dog too, yeah? Jimmy: It'd be a way to find out 'cause she's never said but probably best if you look as ugly as possible Jimmy: for all our sakes Jimmy: & its only a puppy, you'll survive Janis: Outing your sister is deffo not part of the deal, no Janis: I'm great with dogs Jimmy: Yeah? Take it with you Jimmy: None of us want it Janis: Awh don't be horrible Jimmy: I'm not Jimmy: we don't Janis: um why'd you get it Jimmy: guilt gift for moving to a new country when its not even the start of the school year Jimmy: we weren't asked, I'd have voted for a better telly or summat Janis: ahh, the infinite wisdom of parents Janis: what you need is more pressure and responsibility at a time like that, for sure Jimmy: probably ask my sister if you're taking it & not her off into the sunset too Jimmy: she hates it least Janis: I would but we're not allowed dogs Janis: Mum's a mad cat lady Janis: probably just needs a bit of training, that's all, it'll be more bearable then Jimmy: 💔 gutted for myself more than you Janis: I'll show you how it's done Janis: My Grandparents have a dog and it was lowkey feral before I started Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: before or after you fake seduce me Janis: Hmm, it's hardly foreplay but the first thing I wanna do after a ride is not go to the park, like Janis: save it for another day, boy Janis: so keen Jimmy: busy night this Jimmy: all I'm thinking Janis: 😏 If you can't keep up say now baby Jimmy: piss off Janis: 😂 disappoint me later, fine Jimmy: fake disappointment won't hurt Janis: had worse Jimmy: me too Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: duet Janis: lovely Jimmy: this might be too much to ask but as far as my sister goes, we're dating for real, alright Jimmy: my brother too if he speaks to you but unlikely Janis: yeah, 'course, I get it Janis: they don't need to know and you don't want them too Janis: if mine knew any boundaries I'd be the same Jimmy: tah Jimmy: they should be asleep when we get back from the pub 🤞 Jimmy: but I know better Janis: 👍 Janis: capable of not being a dick when required, honest Jimmy: disappoint me later, fine 😂 Janis: cheek Janis: i can be a dick to you all i like Janis: not actual innocent children Jimmy: You can be a dick to my dad too, as much as you like Jimmy: I encourage it Janis: Good to know Janis: like you reckoned, doubt I'm a parent pleaser Jimmy: He won't be nice to you so don't be 💔 'bout not winning him 'round Janis: s'alright, even if you gotta tell your sister we're actually dating, not like I expect your Da to buy it Jimmy: it's 'cause he'll buy it that he won't Jimmy: He's the only one allowed to look for happiness in the arms of whoever Janis: I feel you Janis: and I'm offering neither, such a shame, coulda been such good mates Jimmy: gotta get this orchestra on wheels Jimmy: me arms are tired from the in & out Janis: 😒 stamina who Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: so worried 'bout my fake stamina Jimmy: I can go all night when I'm pretending, babe Janis: 😂 whatta claim Jimmy: how do you wanna out us to the world though? Jimmy: play coy like we were pretending we didn't but still got caught or be brazen about me fake rocking your world? Janis: I don't think coy is gonna look very real after all this Janis: not saying we need to announce it to the whole world but you know Jimmy: so pub pics & morning after? Jimmy: let them do the work Janis: Exactly Jimmy: walk this fucking dog with me Jimmy: if that ain't #goals it should be so I don't have to do it Janis: it's a puppy, bitches loves puppies Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: don't know if she'd fit in a handbag Janis: do I look like I'm bringing a handbag Jimmy: just saying fuck knows if she's #goals Jimmy: too late to swap her if she ain't Janis: send me a pic Janis: you must have one Jimmy: on my phone Jimmy: why? Jimmy: hang on, maybe if one of us is also in it Janis: 💔🐶 Jimmy: [sends a pic of Twix and Bobby 'cause it'd show how old he is & how that don't add up to his behavior as has been mentioned so Janis like hmmm] Janis: Adorable Janis: Can work with that Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you want me to come in or meet you there Janis: just got into town Jimmy: meet me there, your fave barista's gone home already Janis: you don't even know which one I think is fit Janis: shameless Jimmy: Yeah I do Janis: if you say you I swear down Jimmy: 😂 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: for real though Jimmy: its Pete Janis: Which one is that? I've not read all your nametags and you swap 'em anyways #bants Jimmy: not knowing names is my thing Jimmy: try again Janis: 😒 really Jimmy: Am I right or not? Jimmy: nowt hard about the question Janis: Why's it even matter Janis: shut up Jimmy: if it don't, answer it Jimmy: you're making it more of a thing Janis: you're the one banging on about it still Jimmy: come on, Janis Janis: Fine, it's him Janis: not like that's a declaration of love Jimmy: you're not the only one who can screenshot Jimmy: can be if needs Janis: die literally Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: love you too Janis: 🖕 Janis: what was i meant to do whilst i was hanging around the other day, like Janis: rank the shitty drinks or what Jimmy: lust after pete was the only idea that landed 👌 Janis: actual idiot Jimmy: now I know I can be more like him, make things easier for you to fake Jimmy: actual idiot is top one Janis: remind me never to tell you anything ever again 😑 Jimmy: bit snide when you know loads bout me now but alright Jimmy: 👍 Janis: If you wanna know anything actual, just ask Janis: you coming out with bait questions like which barista is the least offensive on the eyes so Jimmy: whatever, I don't Janis: 👍 Jimmy: Just be better at my angles than Mia Jimmy: 'cause I'm on route Janis: like it's hard Jimmy: after that 🥇 all times you Jimmy: I remember Janis: ain't offering a reminder, so good Jimmy: 💔💔💔💔 Jimmy: don't change your mind when you see how I look #awks Janis: 🙄 Please Jimmy: #pete who Janis: 💀kill me now Jimmy: if you die now you can't go to heaven by calling me pete when we fake fuck? 🎻 hang on in there, baby Janis: Literally gonna leave if you don't shut it Jimmy: tragedy Jimmy: I'm not gonna keep you against your will, not what this is Janis: getting a round out of you first, you invited me Jimmy: you can uninvite me or yourself any time Janis: behave Jimmy: 💔 too late Janis: Come on Jimmy: I don't run, I told you Jimmy: going as fast as I can Janis: the real tragedy Jimmy: not gonna make me learn the violin for real but 👌 Janis: least you don't need lungs for it Janis: fucked if you were planning to take up the sax Jimmy: #savage Janis: true though Janis: deal with it, baby Jimmy: funnily enough my life aint destroyed by a lack of sax Jimmy: change a letter & maybe Janis: alright, dad Janis: such jokes Jimmy: 😎 Jimmy: get what you pay for, rich girl Jimmy: this is my lowest tier banter like Janis: feel sorry for the poor bitches doing it just 'cos then Janis: fuck me Jimmy: start a # Jimmy: you love 'em Janis: obvs Janis: any cause Jimmy: raise enough, rehome my dog Janis: actually gonna have to call animal welfare ain't I Jimmy: yeah go on Janis: don't be heartless Janis: could get given to someone worse Jimmy: 😂 Janis: 💔 Jimmy: could get eaten by leprechauns Jimmy: cheer up, Jasmine Janis: say you love her, like Janis: go on Jimmy: why do you want me to lie to you? Jimmy: we at that stage already? Janis: yeah Janis: clearly Janis: make me feel so much better and really what's important here? Jimmy: I 💘🐶 Jimmy: screenshot it if you want Janis: Good enough Janis: and not gonna make a habit of it Jimmy: which bit, asking me to lie or taking screenshots? Janis: I meant the screenshots but I'll think about the lying Janis: Hmm Jimmy: I'm not really gonna dob you into Pete Janis: Duh, you've got nothing to say Jimmy: Bollocks Jimmy: but I don't wanna talk to him Jimmy: keep your sacred tools Janis: Me either Janis: shatter the illusion Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: I know what you wanna do Janis: ew Janis: i said he was fit not that Jimmy: ⬆ standards, right Janis: fuck off Jimmy: alright Jimmy: not through the doors yet so easy Janis: don't be dramatic Janis: just stop talking about him i ain't interested Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: what Jimmy: nowt Janis: alright Jimmy: 🚬 Jimmy: you coming out or staying in? Janis: gonna twos it Jimmy: is that a question or #couple goals Janis: a question, i don't think anyone's glamourized smoking in about 100 years Jimmy: I can Jimmy: If you want Janis: Yeah Janis: Go on then Jimmy: 👍

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