#AND THEN HE PSYCHOANALYZES ME like you're avoid the Upsetting Thing

[bending-sickle]

when a phone conversation absolutely shatters your mood and vibe

[the-cult-of-russo]

Just Beneath The Flames (Part 6)

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Warnings: cursing, smut at some point probably lmao, zombie shit, typical canon violence. You know the drill.

A/N: Thanks to everyone still enjoying this story!

—-----------------

You stood at the bottom of your tree as you got your arrows ready to go out and hunt. It had been around four days since you realized how fucked you were if you stuck around the group and you’d been avoiding them all since. You’d wanted some space to clear your head, only it was a lot harder to avoid them all now they felt comfortable enough to turn up at your home and your point was only proven when a voice startled you.

“Hey, Y/N,” you whipped around to come face to face with Matt, who if you were honest, you really hadn’t expected to come here.

“Hey…” you said hesitantly, feeling a little awkward. It wasn’t only the fact you didn’t know him as well as some of the others but it was very obvious that you’d been avoiding them.

“I was feeling a little restless, thought maybe I could help you hunt. With my hearing… I could help you find something,” he offered with a polite smile. You really wanted to tell him no but avoiding them was a lot different than being rude right to their faces so you blew out a sigh.

“Sure,” you muttered, grabbing your bow and slinging the quiver over your shoulder. You set off out and at first, it had been fine. He’d tilt his head and tell you what he’d heard, tell you what animal it was and you wound up catching a rabbit. You’d started to think it was handy having him come along and hunt with you as it saved you so much time when you knew where to look without having to track something. But you’d soon be made to eat your words and realize he had an ulterior motive for coming here.

“So… is there a reason you’ve been avoiding us?” he asked pointedly as you both walked. 

“What makes you think I’m avoiding you,” you huffed defensively, not about to admit it like this. 

“Well, you’ve not been around and you’ve not been talking to Billy every morning on the walkie like you normally do,” he pointed out and you looked away as you tried not to feel guilty about it. You didn’t say anything so he decided to continue.

“The group misses you,” he murmured with a frown and you shook your head. 

“You guys barely know me, I doubt you actually miss me,” you muttered.

“The kids miss you,” he answered easily and you snorted.

“They probably miss the shit I bring them,” you replied with an eye roll.

“Karen’s been upset you’ve not been by at all,” he countered and you sighed.

“She probably just misses having another girl around,” you scoffed.

“Billy misses you. He’s been moping around the camp like someone told him Santa isn’t real,” he said softly and the grip on your bow tightened, not having a sassy reply for that one.

“He keeps coming by your treehouse but you're never here. He thought something bad happened to you at one point but he’s been checking in the treehouse and it's obvious you’ve been there,” he explained and you stopped walking and gaped at him.

“I’m sorry, Billy’s been in my treehouse?” you asked harshly, not liking the idea of him poking around in your shit when you weren't there. Maybe yeah, you were being a coward and maybe you were purposely not spending much time there because you knew he’d turn up to try and speak to you and you thought you’d cave if he did. It still didn’t give him the right to go up there like that.

“Frank seems to think the Rawlins thing freaked you out,” he mused, completely ignoring what you said and since he didn’t stop walking, you growled before stomping over to catch up with him.

“It didn’t freak me out,” you bit out, getting more annoyed the more he spoke.

“They’re just trying to figure out why you’re avoiding them all of a sudden,” he frowned.

“Look, I appreciate you offering to help me, but I thought you were supposed to be helping me hunt, not psychoanalyze me,” you snapped, feeling your walls shoot right up.

“I just care about my people, Y/N and they care about you. I thought maybe if I could talk to you I could try to convince you to come back, that maybe I could figure out why you’re avoiding us but I get it now,” he said quietly with a thoughtful expression on his face. 

“Get what?” you asked roughly, glaring at him even if he couldn't see it.

“You’re in love with Billy,” he said like it was obvious. You blinked at him for a moment before an incredulous laugh left your lips and it was so loud, you wouldn't be surprised if the dead were on their way. 

“Wow, that's just… I’m not in love with Billy,” you snorted, shaking your head. He didn’t look amused though and the look he gave you made you scowl.

“I’m not,” you said more firmly, your eyes narrowing to slits. 

“I can pick up on a lot of things with my heightened senses. I’ve heard how your heartbeat changes around him, how your scent changes too,” he pointed out and your eyes widened.

“What the fuck are you talking about? You’re smelling me now?” you scoffed incredulously. He looked slightly uncomfortable, looking away from you.

“I don’t… smell people. It’s just… in the air. It’s not something I can control. People have their own scents but emotions have scents too. When people feel certain things, it’s like an undertone of that emotion seeps into their scent,” he explained and you shook your head. You couldn't believe the shit he was saying to you.

“You seem like a great guy and all, Matt, and I appreciate all you did back in New York City, beating up bad guys wearing your little devil suit, but we don’t know each other well enough for you to come here and say this shit to me,” you huffed, well and truly done with this ridiculous conversation. 

You turned on your heel and started stalking off with him following you as he called out your name softly but you ignored him. Unlucky for you though that not too far away, you found Karen and Foggy. Karen was holding a basket and seemed to be foraging mushrooms, Foggy holding a mushroom spotting guide and through your annoyance, you idly hoped they knew what they were doing as it was easy to get safe mushrooms confused with ones that would kill you. Foggy was the first to spot you as Matt caught up with you and he made a beeline for you, making you groan.

“Hey! Fancy seeing you guys here,” he grinned, it dimming a little when he saw your very unimpressed face. 

“Y/N, it’s good to see you. We’ve missed you,” Karen murmured with a small smile as she walked over and you felt ready to crawl out of your skin. You weren’t sure just why what Matt said seemed to set you off so much but now you were on edge and just wanted to get out of here. When you didn’t say anything, her brows furrowed a little.

“Are you okay?” she asked carefully and you snorted mirthlessly. 

“I’m great. Your super hearing sniffer dog was just telling me that I’m apparently in love with Billy, so my day is going swimmingly,” you grinned sarcastically, a harsh bite to your tone that made her eyes widen.

“Matt!” she chided with a frown at him and he looked away uncomfortably.

“Don’t mind him, he loves to put his foot in his mouth. He also loves to meddle in people’s business like an old lady apparently,” Foggy said wryly.

“It was great seeing you all but I’ve got shit to do,” you muttered, walking on past them to make your way home.

“Y/N, wait!” Karen called out, grabbing your arm and turning you to her before you took more than two steps. She seemed to read your face well enough as her hand dropped your arm as she frowned at you.

“You wanna know why I’ve been avoiding you?” you asked roughly, not being able to help your tone with how tightly wound you were. She didn’t say anything, just blinking at you with her wide eyes.

“I was overwhelmed. You have no idea what it’s like after everything I went through with my old group. I told you guys I didn’t wanna be part of your group and somehow I got sucked in anyway and now I care. I know it’s a bad idea me sticking around because no matter how much you guys say you care or that I’m part of the group, I’m not and I’ll never be. Me sticking around just means I’ll wind up hurt in the long run but my heart won’t let me leave. So I thought having a few days on my own, having some space, would clear my head. Maybe I’d come to my senses so I could just leave, but it didn’t fucking work ‘cause I’m still here,” you ranted.

“Y/N… I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think about how overwhelming it might be for you after everything. I just kept wanting you to come because I liked having you there,” she frowned sadly and you felt a stab of guilt in your chest. You sighed and looked away, seeing Matt and Foggy still lurking close enough to hear you guys. Matt was looking over in your general direction wearing a sad look on his face and Foggy was watching you both intently like it was a soap opera. 

“It's not you, Karen. It’s none of you guys, it's me. It’s all too much. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t because I care too much to leave but if I don’t, I know I’m only setting myself up to get hurt again,” you shook your head as you took a step backwards.

“I never used to be like this. I used to be so happy-go-lucky, the life of any party. I’d see the positive even in the worst situations but this new world’s changed me and I hate it. I can’t see the good in anything anymore. Good things don’t last in the new world,” you lamented, feeling your chest constrict. You were done with this and you turned around once more, only this time they let you leave. 

When you got back to the treehouse, you got to work on the rabbit Matt helped you catch and you felt like a giant pile of shit for the way you spoke to them but you tried to ignore it. Once the rabbit was prepped though, it left your mind to wander as you sat at the bottom of the tree, toying with your knife. You hated what this world had turned you into. You were no longer soft and caring as you’d once been but you weren’t cold enough to be comfortable with being hurtful or rude or just cutting people out for simply being nice people. 

“Well, if it isn’t Grumpy,” a voice rang out and you groaned, closing your eyes as your head hit the tree with a thunk. You thought your day couldn't get any worse and you were wrong as Billy sauntered over to you.

“Nice to know you’re alive, by the way,” he commented, his smirk in contrast to his dark narrowed eyes as they glared at you. You'd had a feeling the camp would end up hearing about your rant, not so much from Karen or Matt who would maybe be more diplomatic but mostly from Foggy who seemed the type to not be able to keep his mouth shut. He sat down in front of you but you didn’t move from where you were sitting against the tree, head still leaning on it as you sighed deeply.

“You know what? Fine, let me have it,” you muttered, sounding tired.

“You think I’m here to lecture you?” he asked, sounding amused.

“I don’t know what the fuck to think,” you bit out and he tilted his head at you, not speaking for a moment as he looked at you with his unsettling eyes. 

“Karen told me you think nothin’ good lasts in this world and honestly, I call bullshit on that,” he murmured after a moment.

“Of course you would,” you scoffed bitterly and his face hardened a little. 

“And what does that mean?” he asked slowly.

“It means you still have your group so you have no idea how I’m feeling,” you replied tensely. 

“You think I don’t know loss? You think just ‘cause my groups mostly intact that I don’t get that pain? I lost people well before the world went to shit and I still carry that around with me every goddamn day,” he glowered, pain shining behind his eyes that had you feeling even more guilty than you already did because you knew just what he lost before all this. 

“I get it must have been shitty losin’ your brother the way you did and I can’t imagine how scary it was for you bein’ all alone for as long as you have, for all the loss you went through. I get you feel scared to let people in after all that but pushin’ us away ain’t the answer here,” he implored.

“Then what is the answer, Billy?” you snapped coldly, trying to mask the guilt that seemed to be suffocating you. He looked taken aback by your tone before he scoffed and shook his head.

“You wanna be like that, then fine,” he bit out as he stood up and looked down at you.

“You think you can do this shit alone, be my guest. But one day, when you’re takin’ your last breath, your gonna remember this. You’re gonna remember that you pushed away the only people left who gave a shit about you and that you died all alone,” he snarled at you, tossing something at your feet. When you looked at it, it was the blackboard you’d carved for him and somehow the gesture hurt even more than his words that already made you feel like someone had run you through with a sword. He stormed off and his name was on the tip of your tongue, ready with an apology. It never came though and you watched him leave through the trees before you growled at yourself and lowered your head. Deep down, you knew none of them deserved to be treated the way you had done and you hated the accompanying guilt. They genuinely seemed to care, to want you around and you had no idea why. You’d already been on edge, feeling split in two about whether or not you needed to leave despite knowing it was futile because your heart would never let you walk away. Not now. But it had been Matt’s words to push you over the edge. You’d adamantly denied it and at the time, you believed it wholeheartedly. But the more his words spun on a loop in your brain, the more you started doubting yourself. You bonded with Billy more than the others but you’d chalked it up to the fact you’d spent more one on one time with him, had some life or death experiences with him that usually forged a bond quite quickly. But now you didn’t know what to think. It had been a long time since you’d had a relationship and a long time since you’d even been around people that didn’t want to kill you, you didn’t know what you felt. You felt something, you knew that much, and you felt it for Billy the strongest. You just had a hard time believing you were in love with him. All you knew now though was that you’d managed to upset more than one member of the group and it made you feel like shit and upsetting Billy had felt like physical pain. 

By dinner time, you were making your way to their camp, feeling dread with each step you took. You’d sat at your tree for a while, replaying Billy’s harsh words over and over and that stupid sad and hurt look on his face until you got yourself up off your ass and went to hunt. You thought getting the camp some sustenance was a good apology as any and lucky for you, you’d stumbled across a deer. You’d prepped it, deciding not to keep any for yourself since you’d been such a bitch, and even used some of your precious salt on it to keep it well preserved, leaving only some for the next couple of days for them without it since it wouldn't need it. But now on the way here, you felt your stomach twist up uncomfortably and you started to feel like you couldn't breathe. You felt somewhat relieved when you saw Karen just outside of the main camp area as she hung up some clothes on a makeshift washing line. She looked over, shock flitting over her face at the sight of you before she smiled. You weren't in view of the whole camp so you hoped you could just say sorry, give her the meat and then go on your merry way without it being too awkward. 

“Hey,” she murmured, sounding somewhat hesitant like she thought you might bite her head off again.

“Hey… Sorry about before, I’m just… going through some shit,” you said sheepishly, slipping your bag off your shoulder as you grabbed the large bags of meat from it.

“I got you guys this, to say sorry,” you added, handing her the bags. She looked at them with a smile before taking them. 

“This is a lot of meat,” she mused with a wry smile and you stuffed your hands into your jacket pockets.

“I was a lot of a bitch,” you answered with a snort, making her laugh lightly.

“It’s okay, I get it. You’ve been through a lot,” she murmured.

“I have but I shouldn't have taken it out on you guys, you just wanted to help,” you frowned. 

“Are you staying for dinner?” she asked hopefully and you looked away.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, I doubt Billy wants me here,” you shook your head and she frowned a little. She opened her mouth to say something but suddenly Frank appeared, no doubt wondering where his girlfriend had gone off to. 

“Y/N, hey,” he grinned, looking genuinely happy to see you. 

“Hey, Frank,” you smiled, looking slightly awkward.

“She got us this,” Karen smiled, showing Frank the bags of meat and he smiled.

“Shit, that’s a lot of meat,” he smirked.

“That’s what I said,” Karen snorted and it made you smile a little.

“It’s deer, so it’s the good stuff,” you murmured.

“There’s a reason we call you Artemis. Come on, you’re stayin’ for dinner,” he grinned, words firm and he gave you no chance to say no as he shoved you in front of him, hands going to your shoulders as he practically guided you into the camp and you had a strong feeling he was doing it on purpose. You felt incredibly uncomfortable as he marched you into camp and all eyes turned to you. People looked shocked before muttering a whole host of hellos to you, seeming happy to see you. The kids were excited, especially when Karen announced you’d brought everyone deer. 

Your eyes drifted to Billy who was sitting by a tree again sharpening his knife and you wondered if that was all he did when he was at camp with nothing else to do. You felt that guilt well up inside you again when you thought of your earlier interaction and it only got worse when his dark eyes met yours. He looked at you for a long moment and you thought he’d look away, maybe not even acknowledge you, but instead, he moved the bag that was once again by his side, making room for you. You were wary as you walked over, sitting by him.

“I see you saw sense,” he muttered, still sharpening his knife and not looking at you.

“I’m sorry,” you blurted, unable to keep it to yourself anymore. He stopped with his knife then and looked at you for a long moment.

“Sorry for what?” he asked pointedly and you blinked at him, wondering why he was asking when he already knew.

“For being a bitch,” you explained with a wince. He scoffed, turning his eyes back to his knife as he sharpened it a little more roughly. 

“I don’t give a shit about that, I give a shit about you plannin’ on leavin’ us like we mean nothin’ to you,” he muttered bitterly and you frowned.

“I was thinking of leaving because I give a shit about you guys,” you corrected firmly and he drew his eyes back to you. His eyes scanned your face as if he was trying to figure out if you meant it, but when he saw you were being honest, his whole body seemed to relax. 

“Well, then you’re just stupid,” he huffed, his lips quirking up slightly though and you snorted. 

“Maybe I am,” you shrugged and he shot you a smile that made you feel like things would be okay. 

“So… you bagged another dear again, huh?” he asked, sounding a mix of impressed and slightly jealous.

“Yeah, I think this one was through sheer will and determination to make up for being a bitch. I think I might have manifested it into existence,” you said with a wry grin and he laughed fondly at you. You slipped your hand into your pocket and pulled out the wooden blackbird that had been there since he threw it back at you and you held it out to him. He looked at it for a moment, an incredibly guilty and sheepish look crossing his face before he took it gingerly.

“I’m sorry,” he frowned softly, toying with the bird in his hands.

“Don’t be. Like I said, I was a bitch,” you murmured, giving him a small smile. His frown didn’t ease up though and he shook his head before glancing at you.

“I shoulda been more patient with you though, I get why you’re scared to let us in. I just… I got it into my head that you just didn’t care and I was hurt,” he admitted, looking away from you. You were a little surprised by his admission, you hadn’t thought he cared that much that he’d be hurt over you going AWOL for a few days, but he’d opened up to you about his past and you wondered if maybe he had some abandonment issues. You wouldn't blame him if he did. The idea of him being hurt made your chest ache uncomfortably but it was accompanied by a contrasting warmth because it meant he cared. You really didn’t like being this confused, it was so much simpler when all you had to worry about was yourself. 

“Looks like we’re both stupid, then,” you smirked, trying to ease the heaviness between you both. It was far too much for you, especially after Matt’s earlier words. His lips curled into a wolfish grin and he gave you a lazy shrug.

“We make a good pair,” he snorted and you smiled to yourself. With the tension now broken, you felt a lot more comfortable staying for dinner. You knew this war you had raging inside of you was pointless, you were already in too deep, there would be no leaving now. And while it still left you feeling a little helpless and like you would regret it in the long run, you decided to just stop fighting yourself on this. You’d been sucked into the group, even if you were still an outsider to a degree, you couldn't take that back. It was what it was and dwelling on it wasn’t helping anyone and only causing issues with everyone. You didn’t want to keep upsetting people, especially not Billy. 

—

A few days later you were in the back of the van with Curtis as Frank drove with Billy up front. Things had pretty much gone back to normal and Billy had informed you that morning via your daily walkie talkie conversations that he would be doing a pharmacy run. Curtis’ supplies hadn’t been in the van when they’d got it back and with the looming threat of Rawlins dangling over them, they wanted to be prepared. Naturally, you’d offered to come with. Part of it was guilt, you were the reason Curtis lost most of his medical supplies to begin with, so it was only fair you went to help them replenish. You also just wanted to help. It wasn’t like you had anything better to do and you were itching to go out and throw yourself into some action. It had been far too long and while the quiet and peace could be nice, there was still that part of you that yearned for more. The pharmacy was a few hours away in the van and it was the opposite way that you’d come from after being with your group so you’d never been to it. You had no idea how stocked it might be but you knew that even small leftover supplies would be good. 

“Alright, kids, we’re here,” Frank murmured wryly as he parked up and you smiled, getting your knife ready. You brought your bow too just in case you needed it and you hopped out of the van after Curtis before following him around to the front of the Van where Billy and Frank were. It was a pretty big pharmacy and you were surprised for such a small town but you hoped that meant there would be some stuff left.

“Remember, boys, let’s keep the gunfire to a minimum, yeah?” you asked teasingly and earned a mock dirty look from Billy. They’d all brought their handguns and Billy had insisted on bringing his sniper since the danger wasn’t only the dead. 

“I think she’s gunning for your position as leader, Frank,” Curtis grinned playfully and Frank snorted.

“Shit, she can take it,” he replied, amused and Billy gave Curtis the most offended look you’d ever seen in your life.

“Wait a fuckin’ second here… who the fuck said Frank was the leader?” he asked, mouth slightly agape as he stared between his best friends.

“Everyone knows I’m the leader, man,” Frank drawled with a smirk.

“Even I know that,” you snorted, loving pushing Billy’s buttons when you got the chance. He turned his offended gaze to you then and you shot him an innocent smile. Frank gave Billy a playful slap to the cheek before he sauntered off to the pharmacy and you followed on with Curtis. Billy took a moment longer, muttering to himself how they co-led the group and you couldn't help the smile on your face.

“Everyone got their lists?” Curtis asked as you all got ready to go inside. He’d written out the things he needed most and also some other things that would be useful to get. You all had the same list so you could separate and cover the place quicker. You all muttered an affirmative and Frank banged on the front door. There were a few moans but you knew with four of you, you’d be fine and you all walked inside. It was even bigger inside than it looked from the outside and it even had a second floor. You all split up, Billy and Frank going upstairs and you and Curtis taking the lower floor but going separate ways and you dispatched any dead ones you came across. 

You wasted no time in rummaging through the many cupboards, tossing most of it in the bag you were holding. Some of it was on the list but some of it wasn’t yet you knew they could come in handy. If the others didn’t want them, you considered making yourself a supply for if you ever needed it. There was a lot more here than you thought there would be and it made you feel better about losing Curt’s old supply. You were pretty sure this would restock him. You found pain meds, antibiotics, a bunch of first aid shit and even a load of feminine hygiene products and you stuffed them all into your bag. You yourself hadn’t had a period in the longest time, your body not getting all the nutrients it needs and you honestly considered it a blessing. You had no idea though if the other girls still had their period or not and instead of being weird and asking, you knew it would be much less awkward to just get these in case they needed them. You were glancing to your list every so often as you looked through the various pill bottles and boxes, knowing that while it would be good to stock up on most things, there was some things that were useless so you tried to stick to the list as much as possible unless you knew it would be helpful in the future. You grabbed a box out and as your eyes landed on the name, your jaw clenched up so tight that you were surprised your teeth didn't shatter. Warfarin. Of course you’d find it now you didn’t need it and you cursed yourself for not searching far enough, for not searching harder. A deep agonizing pain ripped through your chest and you were so consumed with your grief that you didn’t even notice a dead one that had seemingly come from nowhere. It grabbed you and your knife clattered to the floor, yet the box stayed in your other hand tightly as if your own hand was mocking you as the roamer knocked you on your back. The blind rage you felt at yourself for not saving your brother got turned to the monster hovering over you gnashing its jaws instead and you shoved it off you, grabbing its head and slamming it into the floor over and over again with a roar. 

“The fuck happened?” Billy asked, Frank behind him and the pair were panting like they just ran down the stairs. Curtis was with them, coming back over from the complete other end of the pharmacy.

“Nothing,” you bit out, swiping your knife from the floor and standing up, the blood-splattered box still in your hand somehow.

“Remind me not to piss her off,” Frank muttered to Curtis, but you ignored him as Billy’s eyes narrowed.

“Didn’t look like nothin’ to me. Looked like you almost got a chunk bit outta you and you didn’t have your knife,” he huffed, raising his brow.

“I really don’t want another lecture, okay? I handled it, so unless you want my knife shoved up your ass, drop it,” you growled, not really paying attention as Frank led Curtis to finish up with him upstairs. You moved to storm past Billy but he grabbed your wrist tightly and whirled you around to face him. You couldn't be bothered with him saying I told you so, you weren't in the mood. When you’d told him you’d come along on the run, he’d been weird about it. He’d tried to convince you to stay behind with the others, even saying it was to help them, to keep them safe. But you knew it was bullshit. They had Matt, Foggy and Micro there and you knew Karen was pretty handy with a gun. When you hadn’t had any of his bullshit, he reluctantly admitted he didn’t want you to get hurt and you’d promptly replied to him that you weren’t some damsel in distress. 

“This is exactly why I didn’t want you to come,” he frowned, still holding your arm in his death grip and your jaw ticked, eyes narrowing dangerously. 

“I’m not made of glass, Billy! I did fine on my own before I met any of you guys, I know how to handle myself. So yeah, it crept up on me, but I dealt with it,” you glowered, snatching your hand from him. His eyes searched your face for a moment before they dropped to your hand, the one with the box in it and he quickly took it before you had a chance to stop him. His dark eyes read over the name and his annoyed face seemed to melt right off him, his eyes softer this time when he looked at you.

“Put your knife away,” he commanded and you squinted at him in confusion.

“You were the one going on about me being safe and now you want me here unarmed?” you asked slowly, like you were talking to a child. He huffed and tilted his head at you, giving you an unimpressed look.

“We’re gonna hug it out and you’re gonna feel better, but I ain’t huggin’ you when you're pissed off and got a knife in your hand,” he stated seriously, quirking a brow at you. You blinked at him dumbly for a moment as his words seeped through the anger filled haze your brain was in, but then you felt your body relax a little and his words touched you. You sighed, rolling your eyes a little because you couldn't let him know you weren't annoyed at him anymore that easily and you sheathed your knife back in your thigh holster. He moved over and wrapped his arms around you and you melted into him instantly. You liked his hugs you’d noticed. They made you feel lighter, like maybe the world wasn’t all darkness. He rubbed your back softly and you felt the pain in your chest ease up as he held you, leaning his head on yours. You’d had many talks with Billy since you’d gotten to know him and in that time, you’d elaborated on what happened to your brother, giving him the full story and it touched you that he remembered, that he knew why you were upset right now. You needed this hug more than you even realized it. He squeezed you a little and placed a kiss to the top of your head. That was new, as were the flurry of butterflies that assaulted your stomach after he’d done it.

When he moved away, you felt a lot better and gave him a sheepish smile, trying to ignore the feeling in your stomach.

“Thanks,” you murmured, feeling your cheeks burn a little. 

“Feel better?” he asked, eyeing you carefully.

“Yeah,” you answered and he smiled with a nod. He tossed the meds in his hand onto the counter, having no use for them now and you wondered if he wanted to get rid of them so you didn’t get upset again. As he tossed them though, his list fell out of his hand and you bent down to scoop it up. You barely glanced at it before he’d snatched it off you and you furrowed your brows a little.

“What was that?” you asked warily. On the bottom of his list had been something scribbled in Billy’s writing and while you hadn't had time to read what it was, you knew it wasn’t on your list.

“Nothin’,” he muttered, quickly putting the list in his jacket pocket. Your eyes narrowed to slits at his lie and you wouldn’t deny that the fact he was lying to you stung a little. But as if reading the hurt on your face, he sighed, looking away for a moment before back at you.

“They’re prenatal vitamins… Sarah’s pregnant. The others don’t know yet,” he admitted quietly. You stared blankly at him for a minute, your mouth opening and closing a good few times. 

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that? It sounded an awful lot like you said people thought it was a good idea to have a baby in the middle of an apocalypse,” you muttered dryly. You couldn't help it though, you felt shocked but you also felt worried. They already had two kids which was hard enough with food being so hard to acquire and a baby would be harder to care for. What if Sarah’s milk supply didn’t come in or wasn’t enough, where would they find formula? And babies cry all the damn time, no matter what it is they need, how the fuck were they supposed to stop a baby from screaming the place down and calling the dead to them like a dinner bell? And that wasn’t even touching the birth itself. You were living in the dark ages in this new world, much like people had before modern medicine. And before modern medicine, a lot of people died from childbirth. Not everyone could have a natural birth and medical intervention was incredibly common. Your old friend Lilly had a terrible birth a few years ago. She’d intended on having a perfect water birth and not having an epidural but everything had gone wrong. She’d been in so much pain and the baby got stuck so they had to give her an epidural and wound up giving her an emergency forceps delivery. What happened if Sarah needed the same? What if she needed a c-section?

“I know it’s not ideal, but it is what it is, so…” Billy trailed off, frowning himself and looking as worried as you were. But then he looked at you properly then, how your brows were creased, how you looked off, clearly lost in your own head and he took your hand, bringing your eyes to him.

“It’ll be fine. We got Curt here and shit, we’ll get all the things we need to make sure whatever happens, everyone’ll be okay,” he murmured reassuringly. You nodded, still not feeling settled with the idea and you knew deep down, he wasn’t too. Things were about to get a lot harder. With that bomb dropped on you, you and Billy got back to work in silence until you got everything Curtis had asked for. Before long, everything was loaded up into the van and the guys were all in good spirits by the things they’d managed to find. Billy wound up sitting with you in the back this time and unlike Curtis who had sat opposite you on the way here, Billy sat right next to you. He opened his arm out to you and you shuffled closer, leaning into his side as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder and you really liked the closeness you felt with him. You felt safe like this. Despite the few hiccups you’d had, you felt accomplished with the day. You’d gone out, got to kill a few roamers and helped get Curtis his stuff back. It had been eventful and that was just what you missed in the safety of the treehouse, the monotony of it all was awful to you. It felt like a breath of fresh air to be out here again doing something meaningful and you’d admit it felt good doing it with others. Back on your own, this kind of thing didn't feel the same, wasn’t as satisfying when it was just for you. You remembered your talk with Billy a while ago, when he took you to the highway to cheer you up. He’d told you that you felt like you had nothing to fight for, but now as you sat there listening to the guys laugh and joke with each other, you felt like maybe you’d finally found that once more. 

Taglist: (if you’ve been asked to be tagged and aren’t here, it wouldn’t let me tag some people.)

@firexfate

@blanchedelioncourt

@ariesbutalibra

@sunshinedaisies-anddeath

@snowkestrel

@music-indie-tv

@idaofinfinity

@sweetserendipity65

@ramadiiiisme

@k-marzolf

@celestialams

@woowwwee

[lokifantasies]

Keep Trying (Loki/Jade)

Jade reminds her father of who he is.

Taglist (let me know if you want to be added!)

@radicallyred @holdmytesseract @mm2305 @nms224 @clockblobber @missdforever @winchestersgirl222 @sallymagnoliaposts @darkacademictrash @yellowballoon @1marvelnerd3000 @lynnsthoughts @imliketotallyclueless @itsybitchylittlewitchy

Read the Mischievous Life series here!

Follow Jade here!

Follow Loki here!

Loki has been doing everything in his power to give you the space you asked for, so he's turned his library-office into a makeshift bedroom – a sofa that turns into a futon for the god to sleep on. If you happen to actually need him, you know where to find him – as do your children. When Jade arrives home, she immediately walks to her dad's room – closing the door and sitting down in one of the giant, comfortable chairs.

"What do you want, Jade?" Loki asks in a flat tone. He's reading a book, and Jade tilts her head to read the title of it, but she's unable to.

"What're you reading?" she asks. Loki holds the book up so that his fifteen-year-old can read the front. "You're reading a psychology textbook?"

Loki sighs, closes the book, and puts it to the side. "What do you want, Jade?" he asks again – more irritation in his voice. "I'm rather busy."

Jade scoffs. "Doing what? Trying to psychoanalyze yourself?" Loki turns his attention to the wall of books – trying to stop the tears from coming. "Dad," Jade says softly – coming to the desk that Loki is sitting at. "Please, let me help you."

"Jade, you can't help me," Loki quickly responds.

"That's bullshit, and you know it," Jade accuses, crossing her arms and sitting on the desk. "Anytime you say something so quickly...I know it's because you've rehearsed it over and over – saying things like that over your 1,000 years of life or whatever has become a reflex, hasn't it?" Loki looks down to the desk and fidgets with a pen – clicking it repeatedly – only stopping when Jade grabs it from him. "I'm not here as your daughter, okay?" Jade continues. "I'm here as your best friend, and as your best friend, I have to tell you – you're being a goddamn coward."

Loki cocks his head at the words coming from his daughter. "Watch your mouth," he warns.

"No," Jade argues – getting angrier by the second. "You're so upset about mom...but what the hell are you doing about it? Sitting in your library, reading psychology textbooks, avoiding her by any means?"

"Your mother wants -,"

"Do you seriously believe that?! I thought you were the one that no one could deceive? " Jade yells at her father – becoming tired of his excuses. "No, Loki...she wants you to go to her – wrap her in your arms...do you honestly believe that mom prefers to cry herself to sleep, alone in her bedroom rather than speak with you?"

"Jade, I've tried to -,"

"THEN KEEP TRYING!" Jade yells at her father – lowering her voice when she notices that tears are streaming down his face. "Since when do you, the God of Mischief, give up? You know better than I do that you have to fight for the things that matter. You tried to take over the Earth because you wanted something. You can't make me believe that you're not going to fight for the love of your life."

"I...I can't keep doing this to her," Loki says with a shaky voice – looking everywhere to try to get the tears from his eyes.

Jade is silent for a moment before speaking. "Honestly, dad? I don't think you mean to do it to her...I think you mean to do it to you...," Jade admits – tears beginning to gather in her eyes as well. She walks around to the other side of the desk and wraps her arms around her father, who stands up as she approaches. "Please, go fight for mom...this – none of this is right. Everything feel so wrong."

Loki presses a kiss to Jade's head – taking a deep breath before pulling back to look his eldest daughter in the eyes. Loki gives her a sad smile as he wipes the tears away from her cheeks.

"I love you, my perfect Jade," Loki says – pulling her in for one more hug. "Thank you for bringing me back."

"I need you and mom to be back together before tomorrow morning," Jade says in a half-joking manner.

"You and me both," Loki agrees.

Jade turns to walk out of the library, but before she opens the door, she makes her dad an offer. "If you promise to talk with mom until some resolution is made, I'll watch the twins and Kaiser for the rest of the day and night."

Loki smiles at his daughter. "Deal."