#AND THEN FINDING THAT EXPERIENCE IN PARTS OF YOUR LIFE THAT WERENT THE 'MAIN' TRAUMA INDUCERS

[lokilysolbitch]

that feeling when you hear about a type of traumatic experience and you can tell your brain is kind of sensationalizing it because there's been times you went through trauma and just saw it as an everyday thing that happened right along side going to the grocery store and getting the mail and normal situations like that. like you can't conceptualize this other traumatic experience that other people have gone through being part of their normal. so you do more research. and go "oh this is familiar/i've dealt with something like that. just not as bad. well...it was just as bad but....it was just kind of.....normal...."

[constellunette]

I hate when a story pulls cheap fucking tricks but they work so you're sitting there with your logical brain cataloging all the problems while also gross sobbing

and not to name names but. guess who just fucking marathoned bl*ebird.

to back up a step marie lu, one of the authors I owe the most to gor a lot if reasons, was nonethless the first to betray my trust like that with the fucking amnesia twist at the end of champion. I was so pissed because it was a cop out but I was also crying at june reintroducing herself to day like it was the first time, because that shit hurted.

and today, bl*ebird. first off I think it suffered from being a fanfic-- rpf makes me uncomfortable just in general, and there was literally nothing tying it to the actual people in the first place besides their names? this is arguably personal preference but I think it would have been stronger with ocs and without me awkwardly comparing the characters to the real people and getting intermittently squicked.

((speaking of squick, I thought it was impossible for me to get triggered by a story as I have no real trauma in my life but suprise! found one. turns out experiencing friends self harm / threaten suicide in the past makes you sensitive to reading a characters pov of walking in on their loved one bleeding. like, the narrative mentioned the fear and I just went oh god, the fucking fear-- so anyway. that was fun.))

but back to what I was saying my main problem was how fucking codependent and unhealthy the main relationship was. and this is coming from me, who has a problem with kinda idealizing fairly codependent relationships lol-- or at least I thought I did, now I feel a little better. there were all these moments that I could tell were supposed to be sweet or touching or beautiful or whatever and I was just chanting no! no! unhealthy and bad! you are not his answer and he sure as fuck isnt yours!

side note, this fic also made me feel better about aftg, which had been suffering from a bit of rose-tint decay in my mind, so I'm happy about that at least. nora just portrayed the... everything a lot more sophistcatedly, even if she herself had some clumsy spots. but to be fair I'm pretty sure the author of the fic is a teen or a fairly young adult so theres that, and I mean, she did pretty good for what I'm assuming is probably limited life experiences. let me be on record as saying there were parts that were really good! I think it did a lot of what it was meant to do-- it made me do a whole lot of interospection, and it made me cry. a lot.

but the ending? fuck that. fuck that and the horse it rode in on.

I'm definently not in a state right now to be as articulate as i feel discussing this deserves, but man. fuck that. that's not how it should work. that's not a message you should send.

like, I went in knowing he would die, and I started out okay with it (healing slowly and jaggedly but surely after something terrible is, to me, like the very finest of whump wine) but I actually got less fine as I saw how it was developed. I didnt like that the onus for one character's existence was put on another characters presence and love and we were supposed to find it beautiful instead of worrying. had there been even a little in-narrative call out I would have felt better, but there wasn't, and I'm working under the assumption that it's because the author (and from what I can see most of the readers) didnt see the problem. and to be fair, it works as a story-- it pulls dreadfully at the heartstrings, it makes you root for them, it makes you ache when things dont work out. it just also made me dreadfully, dreadfully uncomfortable.

I wish this story had been different. the setup seemed like my jam. something about the portrayal of aspects of the mental illness clicked for me in a way that a lot of works havent, and it made me Think a lot and Realize Some Things-- the parts that werent hella crunchy, anyway. but I wish it had gone differently. I wish the relationship had been healthy, I wish that it would have been treated as like, I dont fucking know, an island to rest on while swimming a triathalon instead of a life preserver in choppy seas. I wish that I think I'm finally happy hadnt been chased with I think I'll kill myself anyway for no fucking reason just for trauma porn. I wish the story would have dared to show some actual healing instead of bullshit coping that doesnt fucking work and just leaves every one broken. it could have been messy and hard and painful and worked and played out in the end to something bittersweet-- nothing perfect, but something better than I am sick and you are the only thing in the world that makes me feel better, live with that, I am sick and you've saved me every time but I'm letting go, I am sick and can't ever get better so I have to die and you have to live with it. this is a love story, dont forget. i wish it had been I am sick and you make me feel better, thank you, but you cant be the one to save me. I am sick and I am going to have to fight for myself and you standing with me might just help. I am sick and I might not ever be better but I can be happy and that can be enough.

most of all, though, I wish it hadnt made me cry.