#ALSO no I didn't answer every objection to the idea of orientation changing

[aprillikesthings]

Maybe I was always going to end up a lesbian

Thinking about how, in the mid/late 90's, all the lesbians I saw in media were portrayed as either masculine in a way I found unappealing at the time (but was it because I wasn't into that, or was it because I was told they were ugly?), or hyper-feminine in a "femme fatale" kind of way men were into (that was the tease of it, see; that men could look but not touch, and that made it hotter....for men), and I definitely wasn't either of those things

And thinking about how, in the 00's, bisexual women in the media I consumed were nerdy and sort of slutty, like a Manic Pixie Dream Girl who is easy and shameless about it; and that was definitely a thing I could be. I probably would've been both nerdy and slutty anyway to be honest, but it sometimes felt weird to be an obvious stereotype. Like yeah on the one hand people met me and knew What Kind of Person I Was, but also I wasn't a trope, I was a person. Also, nobody was surprised when I mostly fucked men (because aren't bisexual girls really mostly straight anyway?)

And I was really open about and proud of being bisexual, and I wanted people to know

And I wish I'd spent more time in queer spaces. Because I knew I "passed" for straight, and I didn't know how to change that without feeling like a fraud, because I fucked men. And there was that feedback loop of: women don't flirt with me/flirt back -> I mostly date/fuck men -> I don't feel "gay enough" to go to spaces that are mostly queer women -> women don't flirt with me/flirt back

And I did sleep with/date a few women in my 20's, all of whom were also bisexual (or at least, identified that way at the time). And it was a relief to find out I really did like fucking women.

And even now I think: was I attracted to men, or did I just like the attention and feeling wanted--but I really was attracted to men at the time, it's a convenient lie to say I wasn't, to retroactively pretend I was just gay the whole time.

But I remember the men I looked at and immediately wanted to fuck. I remember the incredibly dumb shit I did in order to fuck men because I wanted them. I fucked men who I had zero plans to date. I fucked men I'd met that day. In parks. In a parking garage. In a tent at a crowded event.

But also: I didn't realize to what degree I was attracted to women until I got on tumblr, and saw nudes and sexy pics taken and posted by women of all shapes and sizes, ones who just felt sexy that day and wanted to share, and realized the stereotypically "hot" woman, as defined by many men, is just rarely my "type"

But also: every man I crushed on/fucked/dated had some feature or another that could be considered feminine, and I knew and openly acknowledged that at the time

But also: I hated it when men hit on me, and only fucked/dated men I hit on first

But also: near the end of my 20's I began a series of long-term relationships with men, and was never single for more than a couple of months

But also: nearly every time I moved in with a man I suddenly lost interest in fucking them.

But also: I knew even then that I should've broken up with all those men sooner than I did.

And I remember, around the time I broke up with my last boyfriend, asking myself: have I lost interest in all men or just him?

And I remember, hanging out at a party with a male friend, one I'd crushed on for years, one I'd drunkenly made out with at a party more than once--and realizing I now had zero interest in repeating that, even though nothing about him had changed and I still liked him as a person

And I remember losing interest in reading m/m fanfiction and feeling weirdly adrift after reading/enjoying so much of it

And I remember only beginning to write fanfiction when I got into a fandom that was mostly f/f, and the second thing I ever wrote was explicit, and most of my fic since then has been explicit, and it's all been f/f

And I remember meeting a male coworker who was a type I'd absolutely been attracted to in the past and absolutely would've hit on in my 20's, and not feeling that pull--just the ghost of that feeling, but also it didn't feel like something was missing, just different

And I remember reading, seven years ago now, if you don't want to date/fuck men you can call yourself a lesbian, you can always change labels again if that changes, and it was like a weight had been lifted from me, like someone had given me permission

And I remember comparing it to looking in the mirror and noticing one day that your nose is different. And you didn't realize it was changing, but it did, and now it's different. And you're staring at your own reflection thinking: when did that start happening? How did I not notice? Or was it always like this and I just hadn't looked properly?

And every time I've told this story online, someone has accused me of being a self-hating bisexual or just being biphobic. As if I don't bump into years and years of old posts in my facebook memories reminding people I was bisexual for pride or national coming out day, as if I didn't have the bisexual pride flag on my laptop and pins on my backpack, as if I didn't spend a year of my life confused and discomfited and worried I was betraying other bisexuals by changing my label, as if I'm not still loudly and vocally defensive of bisexual people.

Their real fear is that I might start wanting to fuck men again any minute and contaminate the word "lesbian," that my former desire for men pollutes my desire for women.

Their real fear is that they, too; might change.

Their real fear is that they will be the one looking in the mirror and not recognizing their own face.