#ALSO I'VE CHECKED LIKR 5 YIMES ON THE TRIGGERS

[julianmatthews-yt]

Trigger warnings: Talks of suicide, overdose, self harming, bulling, scars, beating, blood, violence, depression

Mun note: The way I envision this SP to play out like a documentary. Lots of cuts and photos. Light background music. So keep that in mind when reading this.*Italic a is voice over, over pictures or video. I’ll try my best to as detailed as I can.

The video opened up with Julian in his normal room like every other video he’s made but with not loud intro. “Hey guys, uhm....as you can tell this video is a lot different then all of my videos. I’ve always wanted to be every transparent with you guys. I’ve always be honest and open with you guys.....besides this one big thing in my life and that’s because......all of my life that’s that got me beatin up and attacked.” he paused for moment. “And I’m tired of being the victim...This video will explain it all and I hope it’ll help other.” The video faded out to black

Julian sat up on a stool in front of a backdrop. “This is very strange.” he said looking around. Pictures of his past started fading into view. Staring from the most current picture and going back; soft music playing in the background “My name is Julian Jackson Matthews. I was born on the 14th of February 27 years ago, 5 mins before my sister Kayla. I grew up in a smaller then small town and I have 2 beautiful kids. At this current moment I have almost 16 million subscribers on YouTube.” There was a pause as a picture for his and his sister’s first birthday came into view. Both of them wearing “Birthday Girl” hats. “And I am transgender..”

“I think from the moment I was able to have a real thought. Like real...awareness to myself is when I knew something was just not right with me.” “I think it was like 3 or 4 years old when I first fought my mother about wearing a dress.” He laughed. “I hated them. I hated that everything was pink in me room. I played with my brothers trucks and I kinda started tell me mum and dad that I was a boy. When I went in to preschool we were learning how to spell our names and I hated my name. So Kayla knew this and went to dance one day and met an older boy who’s name was Julian and that was just one more letter then Julia. So that’s now I decided I wanted to be called Julian. Because it was only one letter more and I didn’t have to learn now to spell a whole new bloody name.” He laughed. “Cause that’s how 5 year old minds work.” 

More pictures of a young Julian came up “My parents never exactly told me “No, you’re a girl.” or at least that I remember.” The green haired man shifted on the stool he sat on. “I was about 8 when my parents brought me to a therapist because at that point I’ve been consistent and I actually saved me head at that point. Which me mum was SOOO not happy about. That’s when I first heard the word Transgender and it like blew my mind. Because I thought something was wrong with me kinda. I knew I was born in the wrong body and this was something I could change. It would take a long time but I could change it. And that feeling was great so I burned every girly thing I could. Stole my brothers hand-me-downs and was happy! I started taking testosterone pills when it was about 12 or 13.....but I was becoming a “real boy”....but that’s also the time in life when kids get very mean....”

“Ever since I was very young kids would pick on me cause I was the girl who played with trucks and not doll but as I go older and my transition continued the worlds turned into fists. I’ll spare you the sob story of my life for now but from about 10 to now I’ve been constant beaten up for be transgender....and that is whats made me so fearful of the world. Because once people knew....they wanted to hurt me. Everyone I’ve ever told....besides Zac.”

It faded out to his twin sister “Everything good that happened to Julian happened when he needed it the most. YouTube, his kids, but most recent was getting a best friend that he always needed. Julian may not admit it and Zac probably doesn’t know it but he saved my brothers life the day he found him on the train. He honestly did....and I think just being there and being his best friend. Jules is just so much happier now having someone who knows him and accepts him and just loves him for the person he is.” Videos of Zac and Julian came up. From that one video he did to the random vlogs Julian did and Zac appeared in them. “Him and Zac are a very unlike pair but I think in a way they needed each other. He’s made Julian have a bit more of a back bone. Enough that I don’t think this video would have happened if it wasn’t for Zac.” Kayla smiled. “I don’t know what Zac as gotten from Julian but I like to think that everyone is just a little bit better for meeting him. Because when the world has shown him nothing but hatred for most of his life, he still does everything he can to be a good person and show kindness.” “Zac’s head his just gonna blow up from this.” Julian laughed. “Like....he’s cocky to start with. Lord knows what this is gonna do to him but yeah....when we met I called him a fuckwit and told him to fuck off and we’ve been friends ever since.” The man laughed shaking his head and he bit his lip. “I love him though...he’s more then my friend. He’s another brother. He’s my family....even if he doesn’t think of me that way. He’s still my family and someone I love and care for. Whenever he needs someone I’ll be there because he was there for me when I didn’t even know I needed him.”

“18 is the legal age to get a sex change operation and you be you ass I had it set for February 15th.” he laughed. I’ve been saving since I was 16 at that point because it’s a lot of money and....and growing up we didn’t have a lot of money. Like it was hard and I had to go without medication sometimes and I was old enough to get it but my body didn’t react well to the switch of hormones that happened sometime but I lived.” the scene cut from him on the stool to him standing in front of the back drop pacing. Kayla’s voice came from off camera, she spoke in Gaelic so the subtitles appeared on screen. “Are you okay?” “Yeah...” he said back before everything faded to black with a warning. WARNING: If you are sensitive to beating, scars, depression, self harming or talks of suicide, please skip ahead.  ((Next paragraph)) “I was beat up. Sometimes just left on the ground to die. I’ve been cut....whipped. Thrown in dumpsters and walls. Had glass bottles thrown at me and broken over my head. Broken bones. You name it it’s been done to me....so much that I started hurting myself.” Julian came back into view with his shirt off. His pale body did nothing to hide his scars that literally covered his body “So this right here is the surgery scar form my surgery on my chest and you kinda see this one here. It looks like a c-section scar to take out my ovary's and all the fun stuff in there. For the record my kids are mine. Save me eggs and got a sperm donor. Kayla carried them for me...anyway....um...all the other scars are from me or others. It was kinda hard not to fall into a depression when basically everyone in the world is trying to kill you or make you feel like death...” he said looking down at his own body. “I wanted to die....so much. I tried a few times but I luckily failed at killing myself. Actually I was in the hospital when Kayla went into labor with Luna because I over dose on my aint-depressions. And it was like 6 months after that that when I was at home...” he paused as tears welled up in his eye. “I-I was home.....with the kids....late. REALLY late and I tired to kill myself then. I....i cut my wist pretty bad and S-sam....”Julian sniffled letting tears roll down his face, voice braking as he spoke. “Sam came in....he saw the blood and just looked at me and said “Papa gots a boo boo. I’ll fix it.” and he did. And he he told me he love me and....and that’s kinda when it hit that I was the most selfish person on the planet. I had these two beautiful kids...that need me. And it doesn’t matter to them who are what I am...I’m their papa....and they need me....”He dried his face and showed his wrist that had Sam tattooed on one and Luna on the other on top of deeply scared skin. “I got them there to remind myself that hurting me is hurting them....”

Everything faded out and then to Julian on the stool, talking to someone off camera “I have a lot of good in my life...and I tend to forget that....I have my family, my subscribers.....Zac and Willow! She a new friend...I hope we’re friends. She such a lovely lady. Fucking smart too!” he laughed. “I’m fucking 27 years old and have just two friend. That is so sad. Dakota has tired....but for some reason we just do not click and I am so sorry about that cause he’s such a lovely man.” he laughed letting his hand drag down his face. “Like the dude handles Zac for fucks sake he’s gonna be awesome but...” Julian threw his hand up with a shrugged. “I don’t know....maybe he’ll watch this and become friends after this. I wanna be friends we just don’t click...with is very odd given who my best friend is. You know what this round two. Dakota we’re gonna go get some dr- Oooh wait...can he drink? How is he.....Fuck man. If he’s under 21 I am busting all the balls when I get home.” The man laughed and shook his head as he bit his lip. “We’ll see how shit goes after this video is posted.....I’m actually terrified of when this goes up. This is gonna change everything....and that’s just blood insane. One video that changes your whole life? I mean....that would be the first time that happen to me but still....” he sat there for a moment letting everything get quiet.

“The same day I left to come here to make this video, part to of a game called “A Normal Lost Phone” when up and that game is about a transgender girl name Samira or Sam.” Clips from the game came up and he talked. “Game starts of as her as a boy and you go along with the game and see her figure out that she trans and that she would never be accepted by her family. So she just runs.” Julian comes back on screen thinking for a moment. “And.....and I recorded it all and sent to my editor and I instantly called my mum sobbing. Because, first off I realized how lucky I am to have a family that accepted me from the start of who I am. And second that I am Sam...I played off the whole game like I wasn’t part of that world because of how scared I was. How scared I was that no one would accept me because how cruel I’ve seen people been. I have about 16 million people watching me. That a huge amount of people who can accept me or destroy me. This honestly is a something that can change my career and whole life....and that’s what’s scary about it....but I’m also not scared. I delayed putting it up for a few weeks but finally did I didn’t plan on making this video. I think the combination of that game just constantly being on my mind and the fact that I got jumped made me just snap and I had enough. I’ve checked the comments of that video, the part two because that’s when everything falls into place and you figure out whats going one....and the comments are nothing but positivist and that video has already help people who are trans come forward in my community...so I’m not afraid of what my community will think of me. It’s the world because I am on display for everyone 24/7. I’m one of the “big guys” on this platform so this is gonna go beyond YouTube....and that’s were my fear is. That outside of my little community and world everything is just gonna be destroyed and then find it’s way to my safe place which is my channel.”

The video cuts to moments of his comment section on the video he talked about and the positive coming from everyone before show him with his two older brother, sister and parents. Them all just laughing and talking as Julian’s voice came over. “I hope this helps people more. I hope I gave people a safer place to come to. A place where your not judge for being who you are and who you wanna be. No one should be ashamed for that....and it’s okay if your scared. I was too...” It came back to just Julian sitting and talking to the camera. “But I think you need to look around and look at the people who do love you for you and find comfort in them. And if you don’t have someone right there, you have me. You have this community. They don’t have to be right next to you or someone you see daily to make you feel loved and safe. Your safe here...and I will do everything in my power to make sure it stays safe. I’m always here. I’m always here to talk to you when you need it. I’ve always been an acting part of this community and I always will be. So please...remember that. But I promise you that good times will come to you. Please never ever give up on yourself because better days will come. I really do promise you that....even with all the shit that’s happen to me. I am happy....and I think things are just gonna get better for here. I.....I have hope....” Julian smiled and let out a heavy sigh with a big smile as everything faded out once more