#A lot of times when christians say “Oh those aren't real christians because they hate and judge and stuff” that really feels

[justaboymadeofhoneyandglass]

Yeah absolutely agree baby

Lust is evil and a sin until someone is asexual and then not lusting after anyone is a sin because being queer is evil… You would think christians would look at asexuality as being holy or some shit. But noooo, bigotry disguised as religious belief is never that fucking simple is it…

[leannan-sithe]

I’m wondering where I can learn about like, godspouse courtship processes, marriage rituals, what might be required of each sides in a marriage/relationship, etcetera. Details like that. I get its individual to each Deity or spirit/entity and each relationship, but like, I’m trying to find specific examples.

To be clear, I get that this is a very personal thing, I don’t blame the sources I’ve found for not going in depth. I’m not currently trying to get into a relationship with a Deity or other entity, and I don’t think I’m receiving interest. I just keep getting fixated on this. For some reason I keep ending up down rabbit holes searching, wanting concrete examples, as if I do have a relationship to figure out, even though I don’t. Sorry, if that’s weird. I was just wondering if you had resources that could help.

Yeah! I understand the drive to learn more. If you ever find yourself wanting to engage with the practice with a specific entity, send me a DM and we'll chat.

(You can also DM me to talk in general, I don't mind that, and I don't post callout posts unless it's like the person who dated the ghosts of serial killers and was super racist. Community-level threats get @'d, not randoms with opinions I don't agree with.)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there aren't godspouse courting processes or specific rituals, nor are there requirements. I can give specific examples (and I will) but there's not... anything set in stone. Sorry.

I'm going to fictionalize and slightly dramatize some stories of people I know, with changed names and details.

You worshipped Cernunnos for years, getting into the practice because they reminded you of your childhood fascination with the woods and wilderness and learning about how to build shelters and traps and stuff. It started when you were 17 and were a "baby pagan," just learning about how worship and spirituality might look to you. You grew up in a Christian household, so you just don't know what to think or do. You make a habit of talking at Cernunnos over time, then when you get into spirit work, you start to get communication back (in signs, divination, dreams, etc). You joke and laugh and do things with Cernunnos, having fun with your godly buddy. One day, you're chatting with a friend who brings up godspousing, talking about specific things like dating or flirting. You make a joke about how "if that's godspousing, then you've been godspousing for at least a year." Your friend internet-looks at you blankly. Oh, shit. You've been doing godspousing for at least a year. The next divination you do is effectively a smug look from Cernunnos and a request for a "real date". Have you been dense enough to not notice they were FLIRTING flirting with you?

You're a Hellenic polytheist and you have a broad group of deities you work with in various capacities. You're fond of Hera and Aphrodite in particular, but you leave out offerings and whatnot when you want to appreciate the other deities. Or ask for their help in matters. You've been doing this for 10 years, it seems like. Since you were a preteen, and now you're an adult. You've been seeing a lot of things lately, the same sort of symbols. Lets say it's a specific fruit or color. That symbol has been popping up everywhere. What's going on? You mull on it for a few months until someone gifts you one of those fruits out of nowhere. Confused, befuddled, you leave the fruit on your altar for Hera to have. Over the next week you get these feelings that something is wrong, and you ask a friend to do divination for you -- your cards aren't doing shit for answers. The friend says there's a goddess that wants your attention. What? The friend also says that Hera is annoyed at you. You spend the next week pulling cards, looking into mirrors, analyzing your dreams before realizing she didn't like something on the altar. The fruit, maybe? The mystery goddess comes to mind randomly. You look the fruit up and-- of course it's Persephone, why wouldn't it be Persephone. You spend the next two years adding her to your roster of godly friends, until she starts dropping signs in your lap like mad. Daily, even. It takes another 6 months to figure out that she wants to *date* you. What. Why. How. You're wracked with worry about hubris and guilt, before you finally give in and join a godspousing group at your friend's recommendation. It takes you another 3 months to actually ask Persephone on a date. You do dates, shift her to central in your worship schedule, and.... just in case, you double check with Hades via divination that it's cool. (It is. He gives his blessing.) After a year of dating her, you start getting ring imagery everywhere. Repeatedly. She's proposing. You panic for another few months before writing out marriage oaths -- no one in the GSing community ever gives their vows/oaths verbiage in full as examples to others, it's a personal, sometimes sacred thing that we're all a little embarrassed about, you just gotta wing it -- and while you're practicing, Persephone pops in your mind and says "I do". Wait, no, that was. That wasn't the real one. She sends you mental images of putting rings on fingers. You spend a few weeks discussing it with her (and panicking) because you don't quite understand if it was legitimate or not, and it hurts your feelings a little that she just did it while you were practicing, but you come to the decision that you actually do like the idea of being formally married to her. So you decide it's the for real one.

You're in your early twenties, you decide your life is a bit boring so you decide to get into divination, specifically tarot. One of your dumbass woowoo friends you had a crush on was into them, and you kind of liked the art. In learning about tarot, you learn about witchcraft and crystals and stuff. Okay, sure. You'll do that. In a year, you're googling plant correspondences on tumblr whenever you cook a recipe. You always make your coffee with intention. But it still doesn't feel fine? Something was missing. You get into the wiccan side of tumblr witchcraft, and start adding deities into your lineup, making altars and worshipping any one of them that strikes your fancy. It costs a bit of money but it's worth feeling like you're doing something right. Eventually that gets boring for you and you sort of move on to other things. A few years later you get back into the woowoo stuff, and start thinking about the deities again. You feel a little guilty but don't get any closure about those worship relationships. It feels awkward. You swerve back into divination, choosing to pick up runes instead. You learn about how Odin is weird and masculine and can be evil. Whatever, you just want the runes. A few months in, someone questions an offhand remark you make about Odin being bad. You get corrected, learn a bit more about him, and... he sounds cool? You've known about the concept of godspousing for a while now, but you're a little leery about the whole worship thing, especially since it didn't work out last time. You approach Odin but you're CLEAR you don't want a relationship like a godspouse. You work with him for a few months. He shows up in your dreams as a variety of characters, you start to associate him with certain tv shows and watch those to bond. You started out fearing him a bit and worshipping him in a very rigid way, designing your own prayers and protocols, but now he's just the weird dude that watches Warehouse 13 with you and calls dibs on half your nachos when you make them. (You eat them anyways.) Eventually, you have a dream in which he kisses you. Um. Okay. No. You ignore it. You don't say anything to him, you just pretend it never happened. It happens again. This time, you sit down and have a conversation. You weren't interested in dating him. He's interested in dating you. ....... Well, maybe you're interested in dating him now. After all, he's not the terrifying figure you thought he was. You set a date in 6 months upon which you'll give him an answer, and tell him you expect him to behave until then and any misbehavior means you're booting him out of your life. He does behave, but another of your gods has to kick him in the ass for toeing the line. In 6 months, you tell him that you can date, and you set a bunch of rules out. No showing me imagery of the ocean or deep water, you have a phobia. No bothering me at work. Don't send me sexual stuff unless I ask for it. He reluctantly follows through but he does have to be reminded. Eventually, you dating Odin is just. The thing that you're doing. You don't really want to label it. It gives you some amazing sex dreams and weird fantasies that you're embarrassed about, but there's a lot of people who think about Odin that way online, yeah?

I genuinely don't know what information I can give you, but again, feel free to DM. Hope these were entertaining at least.

[nerdygaymormon]

I just found this blog and I'm so happy it exists. I was raised in the church and with the area I live in, LGBT+ people are "accepted" readily but at the same time... No one talks about it in relation to Members being Queer. It's like everyone ignores the fact that there is at least 1 queer member in the area because "Oh they aren't part of the church" or something. It's confusing and difficult to be out as anything other than CisHetAllo. I have found that as much as I try, and I feel better knowing about myself, I have found it increasingly difficult to talk about the same things in Online spaces compared to Church spaces. Something always seems to conflict, whether it is members not being particularly supportive of LGBT+ or those online judging Anyone who is a member. (I have had some people I consider[ed] friends make some... Negative... Remarks regarding the church and its members.)

I'm glad to see a space like this existing, where I know that I can be both Queer, and a Member of the church, without being "othered"

Thank you so much. <3

I'm sorry you're having a bit of a rough time of it, but you're right, unless someone is saying to everyone "Hey, I'm here and I'm queer," most Latter-day Saints assume there's absolutely no one at church who is LGBT+.

The LDS Church does have a reputation for being homophobic, so if I say I'm Mormon, other queer people will nod their head and say something about how they know that had to be so hard growing up. Also, the LDS church isn't exactly respected by other Christian denominations, they like to speak of it like it's the punchline of a joke.

A lot of people are becoming aware of the research that shows social media negatively affects young people's mental health and well being. It interferes with their sleeping habits and they spend less time in person with friends and developing their real-world social skills. Social media for youth is associated with problems like depression, cyberbullying, eating disorders. Calls are being made to place limits on the amount of time youth can spend online.

However, research shows there's one group of youth for whom social media has a beneficial impact, and that's LGBTQ youth. TikTok, Tumblr, Discord, YouTube, and so on, are a lifeline. They go from feeling completely alone and no one understanding what they're going through to suddenly discovering there's thousands of people who feel the same way, which is eye-opening and comforting. Not that it's universally good, we still run into hateful speech.

Social media allows LGBT people to explore their identities and find acceptance and emotional support. Some research shows there's a decrease in depression and suicidal thoughts for LGBT youth who are online. It gives them hope and a sense of control. Even when they do encounter harmful things online, they can turn it off, which they can't do with a school bully or family members saying offensive things.

I think for queer Mormons, the experience is even more so like that when you find other LGBT LDS people online. They get you in a way no one else truly does. It is like finding a second home with friends & family. It helps build our resilience. Representation matters. Reading words that are how I feel, that gives us hope and courage.

I'm glad you found my blog. I suggest doing a search for #queerstake, you'll find more posts from other queer Mormons and former Mormons. We even have a discord server we call queerward which is a lively place. I know for me it gives me a sense of belonging. If this was a ward or stake in real life, I would move so that I could be part of it, but it's online so I can access it wherever I am.

[moonmoonthecrabking]

(livebloggy) thoughts about the studio versions of eurovision 2023 songs on spotify (don't judge me). also if i say something has "energy" or "vibes" it is almost always neutral/positive.

aijā: the instrumental fooled me into thinking this would be far more upbeat and Quirky. then the melody came in and it's slower than my personal liking. uh, sir are you okay? i do like the strong pulse with subdivisions, i hope that's right terms. i like the ending "please don't wake up" (ig that's the bridge) and the stripped down ending (i do mean ending this time) in latvian.

dance (our own party): i liked it until the verse lyrics came on. AND I LOVE THE INSTRUMENTALS THOSE ARE REALLY BOPPING. the chorus is neat!!!! the verse seems like dichotomy. but not in the best way. idk. i'm really enjoying like the whole song aside from verse 1. apart from that section it's great! also i acknowledge that when i write in this post format my bitchiness and criticism grows three sizes so yk

who the hell is edgar?: is it cringy? MAYBE but it's fun OH THE CHANT DAMN. like the music, even though it's upbeat and electro, suits the vibe of possession and horror. even without the chant (though that was sick). which the last song was missing in the first verse. look. early favourite tbh. thanks austria! (the 'who the hell is edgar?' at the end took me out tho ngl)

breaking my heart: it's not bad. it's cute! it reminds me of something i would do warmups to in dance class!! (not a bad thing at all). the texture drop and tight harmonies is done really well. if you described this to me i'd probably expect to hate it but i'm vibing!

so far when i looked up which country each entry was from i wasn't super surprised. idk what that says but i'm saying it.

tattoo: i know this is loreen. thing is i didn't get the hype for euphoria so we'll see. it reminds me of something? oh it's kinda got greatest showman vibes in the chorus. not really in the verse but. also the pre-chorus does remind me a little of church music (like hillsong music). instrumental reminds me of the slow part of love is blind (lithuania 2012). i think people will probably really like this, i think it's mid.

because of you: i have listened to this one before, admittedly. just dance energy. again reminds me of warmups when i did dance as an extracurricular. the lyrics aren't for me, but if they're inspired by a real person, then that's cute for them!!! i just hope they don't make the staging really basic tbh

heart of steel: i like how it's going hard on the minor key. some villain energy. which i respect and endorse wholeheartedly. like it's chill, but evil, and i think that's what we all need to embody a little bit. also reminds me of 'don't get sad, get even' in vigilante shit. idk where i was expecting to come from, but this is very cool, ukraine!!

carpe diem: i like how it starts a lot, less how it builds. OOOO GUITAR OOOOO. i am a child, but that's besides the point.

d.g.t (on and off): i can't really describe it?? it's very rocking for such a slow song, i love the snapping and the rhythm. the high parts, less so, but it really depends on how it's performed. 6/8 my beloved. my beloved. mmmmmmm dynamic interest mmmmmmm. i am not one to wish different from the high notes but uh, not my fave part of the song rn (then again i generally prefer songs sung lower)

ai coração: OOOO THE PIANO RUN LIKE IN SHREK 2. it's so danceable but non in a generic edm way oh i am in love i love her voice ohohohohoh. thank you portugal this shall be in my top.

power: GIRL WHERE WAS THE INTRO. uh very hillsong. idk what to tell you it just gives strong christian music vibes at the start. the electro undertones minimises it but still. STILL. not even just the music the metaphors too.

stay: it's too slow for my liking. it's not bad, it's just. that sort of song. parts of this are familiar, from other eurovision songs. the chorus gives very 'we are the world! world peace!' energy. not my favourite, but if you like it, i'm happy for you!!

eaea: i have listened to this before!!! i think it's neat!!! the vibes are immaculate!!! thank you spain!!! (don't love it as much as slomo but that was the top of my spotify wrapped so yk)

samo mi se spava: it's giving the 2005 dcom minutemen. no i will not elaborate.

blood and glitter: is this... rap rock?? contrast?? it's giving some form of campiness ig?? I LOVE IT. THE VARIETY. GERMANY?? damn nice work germany!!

we are one: it's a little to 'simple happiness' for my taste? but at least it's happy and uplifting!!! i don't love it but i respect it!! it does however remind me of the australian Classic 'for we are one but we are many, and from all the lands on earth we coMe'. i sang that song for like 4 years before knowing the lyrics. like damn i was really rather no thoughts head empty when i was 5. yeah ireland i'm not shocked.

cha cha cha: giving uno energy?? very high energy!! actually add this to a get psyched mix bc this slapsssssss. wooooooooo

mama šč: hey i don't get it i think it's doing A Lot!! but i'm really keen to the staging, and it's bopping

tell me more: it's very sweet and cute. like if it's this sort of slow song it can manipulate me. even if there's non-mischa bachinski rap (seeeee, rtc mutuals, i can slip the references in there!!!)

bridges: reminds me of a matter of time from 2018?? it feels very soft and a little angsty but not in the way i like?? the lyrics, while so valid, aren't what i wanna listen to to live my best life yk?

break a broken heart: ooooo i love the rhythm of this one!! dare i say believer vibes? also the disney channel movie zombies? i know this sounds bad but i'm genuinely thoroughly enjoying it!!! vibes king

what they say: it's sad deep in a way that doesn't particularly mesh with me, unfortunately. although 'i got too much on my plate' eyo same man

evidemment: feels very epic and very french. OH A DANCE BEAT OH. we're vibing now perry the platypus!

solo: it's very upbeat beach vibes. look i just really like it. it's so slay girlboss, you know???

i wrote a song: hmmmmm at least someone's taking alexander rybak's advice!!! not my personal cup of tea musically (not much melodic interest and too staccato for me) or lyrically (since i'm translating catullus, i'm not in the mood for scorned lovers who decide to write verses about how they're getting their revenge. but i don't dislike this artist!! i do hate catullus)

soarele si luna: PASHA PARFENI!!!!! i'm really enjoying this one!!!! (not as much as his 2012 entry, but i had 11 years to fall in love with that one, it'll take time, and they're very different)

due vite: not my thing, and that's okay!!

watergun: it's not my kind of ballad, i hope this person is okay!!

duje: i love the strong pulse with the native language and the violin runs and how it says hyped!!!

my sister's crown: women supporting women. i'm not the biggest fan of the english lyrics or the melody in the verse BUT THE CHORUS SLAPS like majorly so. i don't love the soft ethereal it gets in the english chorus but when it changes languages i do. i think this is a hint that i don't love music in english as much

COMPARE THE MEERKAT AD WOOOOOOOOOO I FUCKING LOVE COMPARE THE MEERKAT (it's a real website you can go to btw)

promise: my country :) i've listened to this one already. i find it rather repetitive in the verses (particularly the first one), the music is fine!! certainly not my least favourite of our entries!!! i really like the music in "cross my heart til the sun turns red in the sunrise" (possibly aided by the brevity of it) and also when they absolutely fucking rock out in the instrumental

burning daylight: i personally don't love it, it reminds me of like 2013 indie stuff. also, to be nitpicky, there's one specific lyric that is the sorta thing that i know pisses me off so. yeah. didn't Help.

queen of kings: yeah this one was an early favourite of mine i've already listened to it. it just musically gives me dark fantasy vibes and energises me, you know?? very disappointed the studio version doesn't include the italian and latin chanting, but it's still like a great song to run to (i don't run). i was a little concerned about if she'd be able to pull of the vocals live (based only on the studio version) but when i watched her melodi grand prix version she fucking slayed

unicorn: i love the epic intro, it was kinda too much of a drop for me when the singer came in. pre-chorus feels a bit basic (***for my tastes) or is it the chorus idk but it reminds me of the circus climax of madagascar 3. the phenonamal part is a bop, and i really do like the ending part!!! the first half just wasn't my taste as much (aside from that beginning instrumentation)

if it's not on spotify, i wasn't bothered to listen to it (but ofc i will eventually!!). honestly this feels like a pretty good year (to meeeee) but not the highest quality ballads/slow songs (i know there's a difference, but for the sake of eurovision, no there's not)

[coffee-n-bagels-comic-universe]

Inside Jokes and References in the Full Bios

Mainly for @spacelizardtrashboys and @kuruumiya

Also: Any time strikethrough text is used it's because it's meant to be secret information, for example on the small bios any time 'Lucifarian' truly isn't their last name their is strikethrough test after saying that it's not their real name. This is to say that no matter what is written or if it's strikethrough text or not, it is there for a reason.

Damien - Bio In-Jokes and References:

The Quote for him refers back to his 'King of Hell' gimmick, as does his middle name, Rex means king.

He's protective, like a dad, but also way too overprotective over the gimmicks for the girls. He's an old, old school guy so he enjoys card games with the boys.

He's supposed to sound like a young Hugh Laurie, mainly because if I heard a young Hugh Laurie say Damien's bio quote I wouldn't be able to take him seriously.

His main finisher (Seventh Circle) refers back to (a) him being the king of hell and (b) the seventh circle is for violence, and well, he's a wrestler, that's a pretty violent job.

He calls fans both 'peasants' and his 'loyal subjects' because he's like an asshole-ish king who'd quickly be dethroned if they rebelled.

Vickie - Bio In-Jokes and References:

The Quote for her refers back to her gimmick along with the old saying 'pride comes before the fall'.

She's called 'Victoria' because of both (a) it meaning victory and (b) the fact that Queen Victoria ruled back when Britain had an empire, then the empire fell (as in pride [Vickie] before a fall)

Both Her and Damien are born in August and are the only two to share a birth month as they are Father and Daughter (non-kayfabe, as in they share DNA)

She's raised Christian as back when she was growing up England was a lot more Christian than when she became an adult so she got lax in her beliefs

Her personality is supposed to make her come across as a vain, rich, arse of a person, yet deep down she's still redeemable, she's got a long way to go before she actually redeems herself though

She's the type of person who makes sure EVERY little detail of her matches and promos are PERFECT to the point that she will control what other people do or say, down to the moment it's said/done and the way it's said/done

She only likes the other D.O.D (Daughters of Darkness) members because she has only made enemies in the short while they've been in the company, she especially dislikes George 'The Animal' Steele because of his very messy style going against her 'everything should be perfect' views

She's the leader, the brain and the mouth because of her control over the group, if she let them have more control, there might be less arguments about her amount of control

Her named moves are also references to both her gimmick and other things. Beheader is named because of the Tudor monarchs of England having kind of a thing for killing people in this way (ex. Henry VIII).

Lineage Ender is named that because if she ever botches that one specific move (it'll make sense in context/ she does it during a training scene) it could end either her own Lineage or the person she's doing it to.

Lion's den is called that because she traps them in a near-inescapable crucifix pin, and normally if someone goes into a den of Lions, they aren't escaping in one piece.

Family Pride is named that because not only is her gimmick the sin of pride, but she's got pride in her family and she's her dad's 'pride and joy' because she's his only child.

Wish for this (her main finishing move) is called that because it's an inside joke of "you're gonna 'wish for this' to be over soon"

As she's Damien's blood daughter, a 'prodigal son' joke seemed somewhat appropriate.

Billie - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is a reference to the Guerreros and the whole 'Latin lover' trope

She was born in February because of Valentine's day, hence why her birthday is two days before the 14th

She's 1/2 Cuban (just in general - both Mexican and Cuban culture is interesting to me) But she's 1/2 Cuban in case I ever need to write for Razor Ramon, I can get away with making the joke of 'my Cuban accent's better than yours'.

Her casual style is 'Suggestive' because how else is Lust supposed to dress.

She dislikes Hulk Hogan because she finds him incredibly annoying and she dislikes Jesse Ventura because she dislikes his fashion choices.

I imagine her uncle Hugo looks like Luis Guzman and her dad's like Raul Julia. Try to imagine those two wrestling as a luchador tag team.

Her mother was basically a valet to her dad, which was usually Billie's role before she was part of the D.O.D.

Her move name references are all song references: Love me Tender - Elvis' song of the same name, Personal Aphrodite - a reference to / joke on 'Personal Jesus', Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye's song of the same name.

Also, I hope to eventually use the joke 'The Babe, the babe with the power,' 'What power?' 'Power of voodoo' 'Who do?' 'You do' 'Do what?' 'Remind me of the babe' because of one of her commentary nicknames being 'The Babe'

P.G - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is in reference to her being greed and (right at the start of the story) her thoughts on money actually being able to buy her happiness

her surname 'Voronin' means crow, and well, crows like shiny things, like money

she wears 'fancy but simple' clothing because if she bought designer clothes she'd be in debt, but she still wants to look like she has more money than everyone else

she's cowardly in a Jimmy Hart way, she'll piss someone off during a promo and run away once she feels like she's in danger

she's a showman because she's more show than work, meaning she works exceptionally quick matches.

Her moves are basically jokes on the fact that she is greed, such as Gold-digger and Diamond Ring. However, Money Maker is also a joke on the fact that it's a facebuster and usually an actor's face is called their 'money maker'

She hates Hulk Hogan and Sgt slaughter because of how patriotic they are

Kirby - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is a reference to (a) the fact that she's Gluttony, (b) her being the only one who wears a mask constantly and (c) her basically being the group's scare tactic against people who think they can push them around.

I am planning on eventually making her a part of the machines, maybe as a valet, maybe as a wrestler, not 100% sure as of right now

Her mother is the Norwegian-Scottish one and her father is the Irish-Welsh one

She is the tallest (not the heaviest, that's Damien) but she's still 9 inches shorter than André.

She's willing to bleed hardway, but hates blading

She hates Big John Studd because of his disrespect, she hates Hulk Hogan because she thinks he's obnoxiously 'American', she dislikes Lord Alfred Hayes and Dynamite Kid because they are so insistent on calling her '1/4 Icelandic' whenever she talks about being 1/4 Norwegian. She hates Brutus Beefcake because he's just 'so, so much' energy-wise.

She's always been tall, always shorter than André though, she was 5'6" when she was 12, which is still taller than Sam, P.G and Eli.

Kirby's the best at using folk tales and mythology references in her promos and still keeping them dark and scary.

Her speaking voice is Jessica Hynes, but I imagine her singing voice (which will be important later) to be that of Deee-lite's Lady Miss Kier. On that note, I will be putting up a post on this part of the fic's canon.

Feeding Frenzy is meant to look similar to Roddy's wild punches, hence the 'frenzy' part of the name.

Organ grinder is named because it's meant to look really hard (like she's putting all her force and weight into it) as if she's grinding her opponents organs

Hungry for Blood is an in-joke of during her toughest matches she seems hungry to give the fans the sight of blood

Consummation is a joke of 'the match will soon be over, the match will soon be concluded, or consummated' not the sex-based meaning of that word.

Number of the beast, which is 666, is a reference to the 619, and is a modified 619 basically.

Vampire's Bite is a reference to her sitout jawbreaker looking like she could possibly bite someone's neck, like a vampire, as she performs the move

I didn't want to call her chops, chops, so I made a joke of 'oh it's chopping, like a butcher's knife'

Overfeeding is another basic gluttony reference. Cheshire Grin is a facelock-based joke. Let Them Eat Cake is a butt=cake joke

The ogress is a thinly-veiled way of the commentary team calling her ugly, because why else would she be the only one in a mask

Holly - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is written that way because I always wanted her to sound like she comes from New Jersey

She's very cuddly towards the rest of the D.O.D and thus gets called a teddy bear by the others

She's Pansexual because she doesn't care what your gender is, she loves people just being themselves

She's the only ginger because I've never seen a ginger wrestler from New Jersey

She was raised Catholic but lost her faith upon realising how bad gay people are treated by the church (Holly literally just goes "Y'all it is 1984, how are y'all gonna reject people based on who they love?")

Holly's very much the person who'll ask permission to cut a promo on someone but won't tell them how harsh she's going to be

She's the group's mom friend (mum friend?)

Before she started travelling with another member of the group (Holly travels with Sam a lot) she would accidentally no-show events

She does accidentally give incredibly stiff shots

Holly likes Gorilla Monsoon because their friendship is very much a weird pseudo-dad-daughter friendship, so basically, she's using him as her new dad

Her voice is Angie Harmon because I think Harmon sounds like a badass from New Jersey

Naptime, Dirt Nap and Lullaby are jokes of 'I'm gonna knock you out'

Eli - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is a joke of 'this is why she doesn't do a lot of promos'

She's the most likely to be on one of those 'too hot for TV' blooper reels from her promos

Both she and Sam hate people taller than them

Sam - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is a reference to the fact that her tattoos are her 'masterpiece'

she dresses athletically because she's always ready for a fight, especially because she's usually the one picking fights

She likes Lou because he's like a crazy uncle to her and she likes George Steele because, unlike Vickie, she likes the wild man side of his gimmick

She's voiced by Melissa Etheridge because she's still feminine but is the most masculine sounding

[silverinia]

I came for Baranski, I stayed for Baranski - a quick Christmas On The Square review someone* actually asked for

(* thank you, anon)

Disclaimer: I am in no way a professional of any sorts when it comes to film and I'm not a journalist either. The last movie review I've written was probably for a school assignment in eighth grade. I didn't do research for this and I've watched the movie exactly one time, so this is just for fun.

It was a Sunday, Sunday the 22nd of November, nearing the end of the train wreck of a year that is 2020. I woke up on an air mattress around seven am, my head aching, my throat itching with pyrosis and light nausea, it was still dark outside behind the closed blinds in front of the windows, when I slowly realised where I was, one of my best girlfriends sleeping next to me in her bed. I had crashed at her place after a warm, fuzzy evening of mulled wine, tacky Christmas movies I would never watch alone (Christmas Chronicles and Holiday Calendar, which I quite honestly didn't enjoy at all, but the company made it fun anyway), doing our nails, wearing the fun kind of face masks for a change and smoking too many cigarettes, as the soft pain in my head informed me right now. She woke up an hour later and the morning went by with coffee and reheated pizza for breakfast, when we decided to watch another movie and I realised that it was THE Sunday I'd been waiting for through Zoom interviews and Dolly Parton twitter memes and the infamous wig gate that will be briefly discussed in the following, and so we clicked on the small icon in the Netflix menu that said "Christmas On The Square".

And oh boy, was it a ride.

To start off, I should mention that I have a hard time watching most modern day American Christmas movies, as I noticed quite vividly again when I watched the two aforementioned Netflix productions last night. The character development is always foreseeable to say the least, the plot lines are plain clichés hunting each other like they're the kids in The Hunger Games, and the writing is generally so bad that you can join the actors in reciting the entire scripts on your first watch. I watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas once a year while I'm gift wrapping and pause every fifteen minutes to shamelessly stare at forties Christine Baranski (I think we should all turn away from the birth of Jesus and instead count our years based on Christine Baranski's date of birth) in flamboyant nightgowns and short Christmas themed dresses, looking so fabulous that every interpreter of Santa Baby ever could only dream of it, I watch Love Actually at least five times a year to lust over Hugh Grant, cry with Emma Thompson and miss Alan Rickman, I enjoy Bridget Jones, which I would definitely consider a Christmas movie, and that's it. That's my yearly Christmas time entertainment routine and I can barely tolerate anything beyond, because I'm still traumatised from the time when I was around five years old and on a holiday family visit where had to sit through National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the dumbest movie I have ever seen (my apologies if you like it but also, who hurt you?), with my cousins. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. And it scarred me for life.

But this was a Christine Baranski movie, I knew she was going to play the lead and so I was pretty much as excited about this as I could. And the fact that Dolly Parton wrote the whole thing didn't hurt either. As I said earlier to my friend I was watching it with, I have the pop cultural taste of a fifty year old gay man, a quality I am most proud of, and this simply ticked off all my boxes.

I expected something similar to a Mamma Mia experience that wouldn't cause me to crave packing my bags, give Covid the finger and run off to Greece. Light-hearted entertainment, easy to stomach, uplifting music and so little plot that the simplicity feels like a creative choice. That's what my pained, hungover brain knew it could cope with and that's not what I got.

The movie started and I was immediately in the zone. I saw Christine Baranski's name in the front credits (an experience that never fails to make me scream "Yass Queen" at the screen, regardless of where I am and who I'm with, as if I'm the sobering result that pops out of the package when you order Jonathan Van Ness on Wish), the setting was wonderfully corny (I grew up watching Gilmore Girls once a week, so give me warm fairy lights and a gazebo and I'm perfectly happy) and as my friend wondered whether Dolly Parton, in her exaggerated homeless attire that didn't make her look shabby at all, was green-screened into the setting because she stood out so much (which she was because the background dancers were dancing in slow motion, but to be fair, we were probably still a little too drunk to notice that from the start) and I told her I thought that it was just the natural glow someone who's Dolly Parton simply carries with them everywhere they go, I was happy. This was the movie I was prepared for. A movie in which the most problematic thing would be stereotypical characters and the wig they hid Christine's real, flawlessly handmade by God herself hair under.

And then, around five minutes in, Christine Baranski's childhood love interest was revealed as she pressed her perfect pointy nose against the window of his shop and sang about her unrequited love.

And suddenly, things started taking turns at a pace I was still way too sleep-deprived for.

Suddenly, in the middle of my general amazement at seeing Christine Baranski do literally anything and laughing loud at her impeccable comedic delivery, there were unresolved daddy issues, hanging prominently at the wall in her marvellously designed house (she literally says "Daddy" at one point and I couldn't help but think that only someone with her vocal skills could keep from making it sound cringe-worthily kinky). One moment, I was clutching my chest above my heart while she was bonding with little bartender Violet and munching on pretzels while downing some whiskey in that elegant way only Christine Baranski can bond with ten year olds who had it rough, eat pretzels and down whiskey, and the next she felt responsible for said girl's mother's death (which she kinda was too, but I'm not the boss of her). I was still busy making fun of how the very annoyingly, but when you're snacking on pizza with extra cheese at nine in the morning also highly funny, slow talking pastor's name was Christian, and suddenly there was a cancer scare.

It was a lot, a hasty sprint from major issue to major issue with a hint of comedic relief every now and then, and it didn't get any less until the very, rather poorly resolved, end.

The entire, constant up and down was followed by the movie's peak of suspense, the near death of precious Violet, something I couldn't even get too invested in because I was still so busy worrying about Christine's MRT results (I was truly fucking worried), not to mention that I hadn't even started to really process the sudden revelation of the love child and how it had affected her character's actions until this point. Was her constant tendency of pushing people away, as we've seen most clearly with her angel in training assistant who's name I cannot recall right now, the result of her broken trust in her father who practically ripped her son away from her after she had just given birth to him? Was it a result of her never getting the closure she needed with plaid flannel wearing Carl she was clearly still in love with? Maybe both? And what of the many issues was it that made her so incredibly shaken up when Violet blamed herself for her mother's death? Was it 'just' due to the fact that the closed pharmacy was on her, or was there more to it? Was it because she had grown up without a mother herself? Or did I miss a major piece of information because I was momentarily distracted, dumbfoundedly staring at Christine's very blue eyes? No time to ponder on that, little Silverinia, because here comes unconscious Violet in an ambulance, WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO!

I'm not going to go in depth about what plot lines I thought were especially carelessly handled and why, real standouts were the sudden forgiveness towards her father who had still acted like a shitty asshole even though he might have had his reasons, because giving the baby up for adoption just wasn't his choice to make, and the fact that I kind of didn't buy how quickly Regina managed to forgive herself, especially for Violet's mother's passing, considering how deeply her tall, slim, dare I say angelic and entrancing figure was buried beneath the weight of all her issues. It felt rushed and incomplete, but that's as detailed as it gets because my major point is something else.

I think this movie made the great mistake of trying to be more than your average, flat, happy ending Christmas movie. I think no one involved thought it was possible to make it a big hit if the only real plot would've been great Dolly Parton music, fun ensemble dance choreographies, Christine Baranski's outstanding acting skills, fun settings and costumes and a redemption arch with as little plot as it could possibly take to make Christine likable to those who aren't already lost forever in the rabbit hole of being obsessed with her (poor fuckers, can't relate). They didn't notice that with the legends that were involved, they could've easily gone the Mamma Mia way. And I think that's why they tried to include heavier plot lines than most creators would've chosen, experiencing loss at an early age, struggling to find closure, dealing with sickness, teenage pregnancy, parents forcing their choices on their children when they affect their childrens' lives first, adoption, and the fear of losing your kid.

It was a lot and I don't want to say that it didn't work because my friend was crying, like, pretty hard and I questioned my entire existence all through the movie in not the worst way, and I did enjoy it a lot while watching. The "grief is love with nowhere to go" line was a real standout, for example, where the attempt of complexity DID work. It positively gave me fleabag season two, "I don't know what to do with it now, with all the love I have for her." - "I'll take it. It sounds lovely. You have to give it to me." feels, and that's about the biggest praise I can come up with. BUT (and this is written in capital letters because it's the big but) I'm also totally convinced that I wouldn't have enjoyed it if they hadn't cast Christine Baranski for the lead role. In my humble opinion, the hasty, not really at all resolved plot of this movie only worked because Christine Baranski is just a fantastic actress. She quirks a mocking eyebrow and you laugh. She parts her perfectly painted red lips and you immediately hang on them because you don't want to miss a single breath she, a literal goddess, graces us mere peasants of people with. She smiles and you're happy. She laughs and even while she's still laughing, you can't wait to hear her do it again. Her eyes fill with tears and you feel goosebumps on your arms, her voice slightly trembles, a breath hitches in her throat and you feel your heart shattering to pieces. As Chuck Lorre once said, this woman could read you the phone book and you would end up laughing tears because she just gets the job done. She knows what she's doing, she's an absolute pro in her game, and it doesn't matter, not even a little bit, what she's working with, because the work she eventually delivers with it is always at a minimum of 200%. I forced my friend to watch this movie with me because I adore this woman, and I felt for this movie because I felt for her. It wasn't the plot that sadly brutally overestimated itself, it wasn't the songs that I obviously enjoyed, nor the comedic elements that truly made me laugh a lot, it was all her. I came for Baranski, and I stayed for Baranski. This woman can do anything. She can even look graceful in a terrible wig job.

(side note / unpopular opinion: I actually didn't think the wig was all too bad. It wasn't good, actually far from good, but for me, nothing can match the awful wig game of Mamma Mia 2. I loathed that wig, I absolutely cannot stand it. So this didn't feel all that terrible. It definitely wasn't the most problematic part about the movie.)

I enjoyed watching this. It was a nice distraction from all the bullshit in the world. Watching it today was the first thing this year that actually brought me something close to excitement about the holiday season, even though everything will be very different and probably not quite as jolly this year. But it just gave me good vibes and as someone who did not watch this as a film reviewer, that's the biggest part of what leads me to enjoy a movie.

Will I watch this again? For sure. Will I enjoy it when I'm not hungover, having freshly done nails and munching delicious pizza for breakfast? Probably not as much, but it'll still have Christine Baranski in it. Would I recommend watching this? If you share my obsession with Queen B, one hundo. If you don't, probably not.