#9am I haven't slept again thoughts

[ayearlaterletters]

15jul2024 - 17jul2024

Hi Michael, 3 days have passed and I'm writing this on 17jul. Let's just recap the days since we've been together.

15july2024 Monday: you started your new job and I worked in the morning. after work you went home to do some errands then you dropped off flowers and chocolates. short visit but you had to go home and take care of some things. lowkey sad I only saw you for like 5 minutes but better to see you regardless of time. wish I could've seen you longer but I'm happy you're alive. I was feeling a bit down so I decided to take a drive to La Jolla Shores. I haven't been to the beach since last month before my trip to Waikiki. It was cloudy at the beach but sunny where I reside. the weather was chilly but that didn't stop people from having fun on the beach. I decided to read a couple chapters from my book, and then I started to feel hungry so I went to my fave pizza shop around the corner. i get my usual 2 slices and 16oz beer for $15. they didn't have my typical pizza slices so I got the ricotta and spinach slice and a veggie slice because that's all they had left. i think during this time you were taking a shower, cooking dinner - you said you made a stir fry, and by the time I got home you were watching tv. i don't remember the show name it was long but I called you to say goodnight and the day ended. i thought about calling you but I didnt want to bother you since u were watching your tv show. we both understand that sometimes we need alone time. i wish u called me because u told me u were having a panic attack. you said it was no big deal but panic attacks are something serious. I'm just glad u are okay. even if we don't talk i think about you. i miss u always.

16july2024 Tuesday: you went to work and it was officially my first day off in a very long time. after work you went to target then picked me up. we talked in the car and i admit i was feeling homesick and i needed a hug. you told me what triggered ur panic attack. Memorable: I told you to not be sorry for waking me up or being a bother. you are not a burden and I always welcome you in my energy, space, and aura. then you wanted to tear up because you said no one has told you that before or made u feel that way. as a child we are to be seen and not heard. once again we had another connection that made us feel closer and loved.

we finally made it to the fancy hotel for our rooftop cinema date which planned a week prior but didn't book it until like days before. it was your first time watching the notebook and I haven't seen the notebook as an adult so it was like my first time too. i cried and you teared up. def not expecting a death scene but its the cutest and sweetest. if ever we are old together and I need to rejog your memory I would read you our love story daily. we also dranked some fancy cocktails. i had a blue hawaiian my favorite and u had a berry sangria. we were both feeling it. i also beat you in connect 4 and we each both got connect 5 lol. we made out in the parking lot because we went back to get the tissues. we took every escalator to the cinema lol.and the view with the best person equals a beautiful lovely night. we went to armandos got some food, drove back to coronado centienal park and ate along the edge to see the nice view of downtown, then we snuck off to make some love in a random dark street with like one lamp glowing. we didn't finish until like an hour and 30 mins later it was for sure almost 2am and we started at like midnight. i knocked out and snored on the phone with u and u drove home, took a shower, slept with me on the phone, I woke u up to let you know your alarm was ringing, u fell back asleep, then got ready for work. by the time I woke up around 9am u hung up I figured since u were at work. the day with u is amazing. ur amazing. and I cant wait for our staycation because I get to be with my handsome man. the one I'm so deeply attracted to...intellectually, emotionally, physically, and deeply spiritually!

17july2024: i slept all day i woke up then fell back asleep i didnt officially get up outta bed until like 4pm then I decide to clean my room and reorganize my room. finally lol because its been something I want to do but I don't. u went to work then after work you went home, showered, talk to your granddad, made chicken rice and brocolli, then called me. we are currently on the phone. currently our time call will hit 4 hours! yeah you've been asleep since the sun's been up. but we didn't get home until late last night like almost 2am. i like sleeping on the phone with you. i wish we could sleep together. i am very excited for our staycation :)

[imoutofpracticeyall]

Do you ever just think about how Mary and Robert just fucking outed Joseph to Dadsona for no good reason than they presumed he was already having an affair with a man he’d hung out with twice, when nothing had actually happened between them?

Like they know next to nothing about Dadsona and they just out Joseph to him. 

[boilingheart]

cw: suicidal thoughts //

idk how to do a read more on mobile sorry otherwise I'd crop it. I told myself I wouldn't vent about shit like this heavy and personal online anymore but I'm not doing so good and I need to put it somewhere

I'm not very healthy and I'm not very happy. I'm not doing so good mentally. Financially things suck really bad, I've been eating one meal a day for the past 3 months and I can't fall asleep until it's at least 5-6AM. I fixed my sleep schedule last week and it only lasted 2 days. It's almost 9AM that I write this and I haven't slept

My shoulder hurts again and I think it's because I got lazy on physical therapy. I'm scared ill dislocate it again. I hurt my knee at work last week and I hurt it again a few days ago and right now the whole muscle is swollen and sore and tender and I limp when I walk. I'm 24 and I feel so breakable and weak, I have no muscle, I'm too fucking tall, and I feel like any one of my bones are going to pop out of their sockets. I still have to go to work and get my license and do other things but how can I if my shoulder feels so weak? It's recovering from a dislocation still but it feels like it got worse, not to mention my trapezius has been getting pins and needles daily for no reason and no treatment has worked and my doctor doesn't know what's causing it

Somethings wrong with my skin too. I think it's eczema, I hope that's all it is, but it's the worst it's ever been. My whole left arm is completely discolored and dry and itchy and it's starting to spread on more of my body in ways I've never seen. I'm scared it'll get to my face next

I am so so uncomfortable. There's no space in my house. There's 5 of us in one house and we all fucking hate each other and There's 3 animals and there's no food and even if there is I'm too scared to go out there to eat bc my parents sleep in the living room cause there's no space for them anywhere and they fight daily and if I pass by one of them I'll aggro them and get stuck in a 2 hour lecture of some alt right bullshit or terf shit or thinly veiled misogynistic or racist takes I can't stand it

You know that phrase you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink? I'm the horse. And I don't want to drink anything. I know all of my problems. I'm not working on a single project because I have no discipline and no motivation and unmedicated ADHD that's so bad it makes me wanna fucking end it. I have so many things I want to do but no drive. I'm passionate about things but not enough. I'm not going to sleep early I'm not eating or drinking I'm not exercising or doing physical therapy I'm not going for walks and getting sunlight I'm not maintaining myself beyond brushing my teeth every night, and showering when it's time to go to work and doing my job as required. I know everything I'm doing wrong. I know that what I'm doing is making everything worse. I know that I could be making it better for myself. But I dont... care anymore? I shouldn't be scratching my arms but I stopped caring about that I just want relief and I don't care the cost. I stay up late and let myself cause I just want the satisfaction of finishing this video or whatever it is I'm doing. Everything is numb. People will tell me what I need to be doing so I can stop and I'll know they're 100% correct and that I need to listen but I don't. I don't have it in me anymore for some reason. I don't know why it's so hard to just so it. I don't know. I don't know if it's executive dysfunction or depression or disassociation or what.

And thing is. I've told myself years ago I'd never kill myself. Cause like, I have so much I need to do, so much on the line, people I need to take care of, things I want to do, a lot of things to live for. I wrote down a list of things to live for that took up 2 pages, and it helped me a lot. Kept me centered and focused. I am not allowed to die because I have so much on the line. I am not allowed to.

But recently I found myself looking at this list of mine, of thinking about all these things, and... it invokes no emotion in me. I look at my long ass list of reasons to live and it does nothing for me. I don't care about them anymore??? It feels so empty. And I know that's bad. But I feel so detached and removed. I am in constant pain and constant stress and I can't lay on my right shoulder anymore cause it hurts and that sucks cause that's my favorite sleeping position, I'm always hungry and I'm always tired and I wake up at 3-4PM always and I have so many things to do to write to draw to create to record but it's not enough. It's not enough anymore. Nothing is enough. I have no drive or motivation. I don't have anything to look forward to. My goal is to move me and my siblings out of this house next year as an escape because I know this household is so unbelievably horrifically toxic and abusive that it will LITERALLY kill us if we stay here longer so I feel bad and selfish giving up before getting us out of here bc it's up to me to make sure I get us out. But I don't want to perform all this maintenance on myself anymore. I'm too lazy and cowardly to fully kill myself in one go but. I don't want to try anymore. I want to give up. I'm very very alone and I don't have irl friends and I have such a horrible way of communicating with people/friends online that I have. I keep everyone at an arms length I don't know how to be friends or reach out, I don't know how to navigate in a social space if I'm not an authority figure like a mod and that's a whole other pack of problems that comes from my inferiority complex. I don't know. I don't know. I need to say this somewhere and I'm sorry for anyone who's reading this and seeing how heavy and personal it is. I meant to stop doing this shit online already which is why I've been silent so much here but. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. And I don't know what to do. I need help but I know that I'm the only one who can help myself because I'm the horse and I need to drink but I don't want to. I would rather drown in it. I would rather drown and I don't know what to do. I know it's bad and wrong and unhealthy all of it but I just can't stop I can't stop. I am not okay. I need help and I don't know how to get it. Nothing is accessible out here. I'm a tiger in a cage and I'm going to die here. I'm letting myself rot and decay. I'm going to die here.

[morgemuffel]

MALEC. ➰ DON'T LET ME GO.

This story takes place between episode 3Bx15 & 3Bx16.

I adapted the story and put my own thoughts & ideas into to it. What are MALEC up to when you don’t see them on screen?

*(Part 2 of my series: our heart beats like one)

Mmm... I love to feel his warm bare chest underneath me. His fine and soft dark chest hair like a fluffy pillow on my cheek, which tickles my nose every now and then when I move my head, to cuddle up to him. The familiar aroma of... of what exactly? It's hard to describe, but it's my favorite fragrance. Not like shampoo, perfume or laundry detergent, no. It is his own body odor. The scent, you only get to smell on your partner in the mornings, before he makes himself fresh and tidy for the rest of the world. Magnus loved this fragrance. It's a scent that evokes the memory  of a cool sunrise in spring season. The feeling of love and secureness.

As Magnus lies there half asleep, he slowly noticed that something wasn't right anymore. The warmth and the fragrance he loved so much, slowly faded away. He reluctantly opened his eyes and winked the sleep away as he looked around without moving. He was in Alec's room at the New York Institute. He remembered falling asleep in Alec's arms, one more thing he loved. He slept so well in Alec's arms, as he hadn't for years. Carefree and happy. But where was Alec? Magnus lay across the bed, taking up the whole space and his head was carefully draped on a pillow. Alec didn't want to wake him up and exchanged his warm muscular chest with his pillow. Also very cuddly Magnus had to admit, but no comparison to Alec's soft fragrant skin. As he raised his head, he looked up directly into Alec's already freshly washed face. "You sleep ok?" Alec asked worried. Magnus stretched as he answered "like a rock." Alec looked at him in a mix of nervousness and expectation so that Magnus wondered what he had overlooked, until his eyes moved over the bed and he noticed the romantic gesture of his boyfriend. A smile crossed his face. How was it possible that this man could always surprise him over and over again? In front of him was a tray with a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and a small bouquet of flowers. The glass was filled to the top, not like Magnus' attempt from last week. When he could only squeeze enough juice from two oranges to reach the middle of the glass. "Oh. Freshly squeezed orange juice and a full glass. "He grinned at the memory. Alec blushed a little red but tried to suppress it. "One of the perks of living at the institute," he said with a smile. Magnus nodded impressed, but his attention was yet on the forced question, forming  itself in bold capital letters, inside of his head . It was by law not allowed for Warlocks to be in the institute. Nor to live there. Although he welcomed the loving offer to stay here until he had found a new home as well as the confident manner his boyfriend showed, but they both knew that this, also if only a temporary situation, was pretty tricky. Magnus didn't want to get Alec into trouble by staying here longer than necessary. Alec tore him out of his thoughts. "Come on, get out of bed. Breakfast stops serving at 9am." Theatrically, Magnus let himself fall back into the bed. Why did shadowhunters have to get up so early? No wonder most of them were always in such a bad mood. And walking into a warlock in this early hour must be the icing on the cake. So he started a half-hearted attempt to convince Alec that they didn't necessarily had to have breakfast with the others in the community hall. “Alexander, I appreciate the hospitality, but doesn't the clave have rules against downworlders living here?“ His boyfriend looked at him with that peevish smile as he hesitated “oh they‘re not rules, they‘re suggestions.“ Magnus sighed, his Alexander, who interpreted his life according to the rules is now only looking at them as a recommendation? He didn't want Alec to bend himself completely because of him. That just wasn't right, and yet his statement triggered a comforting feeling in Magnus. Alec went on to say, "You're not living at the institute, you're just visiting for an extended period of time." his arguments weren't bad, Magnus thought, but he hated to be the outsider. Not that he cared what others thought, but what if Alec suddenly felt uncomfortable? Magnus asked him "and what would your fellow shadowshunters think of a warlock wandering the halls?" "They'd be fine with it Alec clarified in a calm tone. "Let's go." With these last challenging words he turned around and disappeared through the door to brush his teeth in the bathroom. Magnus sat undecided on the bed for a moment. He urgently needed another apartment, but his  real estate agent had died years ago. But his good friend Cat has recently moved, so Madzie could have her own room. He took out his phone and wrote her a short text message:

Wanna have lunch today? I could need your help... Do you know a good real estate agent in New York? 🏠

Cat answered almost immediately. Magnus was looking at his phone while it indicated that Cat was about to formulate a message.

Yes sure, I have break at 12.30am. You can wait outside the hospital. Are you and Alec already taking the next step? 🐾

Magnus read the message and rolled his eyes in amusement.

He had told her that Alec had asked him a few weeks ago to move in with him and that he had refused his request. She agreed with Magnus that it was too early. But in the meantime, Magnus himself wasn't so sure about his decision anymore. With Alec everything felt so good and right. He had never dared to take that step before, but if he did, he could only imagine this scenario with Alec. Since losing his loft, he'd thought about asking Alec several times. Ask him if they wanted to look at apartments together and maybe even wanted to move in together. But he was too unsure, what if Alec didn't wanted that anymore? He still remembers how hurt his shadowhunter had looked at him, when he said it would be a nice idea for the future. Magnus had considered his decision as the best in that moment. But now he wasn't so sure anymore, so he didn't ask. He answered Cat with a maybe..., two thumbs up and a steak emoji, then he got up to get dressed.

Alec had just brushed his teeth when he started searching for Underhill. As he knew Magnus, getting dressed, styling his hair and putting on his make up would take a while even with his regained magic. When thinking of his boyfriend, who couldn't decide what to wear and what mood he wanted to present the world today, he had to smile. There was no one like him, and he belonged to Alec. He hoped to catch Underhill before breakfast, since he was Alec's only friend next to his siblings, he wanted to hear his opinion about Magnus' new living situation. He himself knew that his decision to let Magnus live in the institute went into the grey area, a real dark grey zone and that not all of his companions would be enthusiastic about it. But he didn't care he had a plan. Well it was more of an idea than a plan, but before he could enforced this plan, he had to go through the shadowhunters protocol again. If someone could help him with that then it was his friend Underhill, the head of security. Alec walked down the hall and knocked on Underhill's room. Nothing stirred. He was about to leave, as the door swung open and Underhill stood in front of him, dripping wet and only wrapped in a white towel around his waist. Small  water drops trickled down his trained torso like glistening pearls. "Uhm ... hey boss ... uh ... Alec?" He said clearly confused about meeting his buddy so early in the morning. "Does your head hum as much as mine?" He asked laughing as he grimaced. The two men hadn't been friends for a long time, and Alec hadn't even seen him in swimming trunks before. They were out for a beer the first time yesterday having a spontaneous men's night after work. Alec had told him about his fears and relationship issues after being Underhill's wingman. But a drunk soul striptease and checking out other men together was something completely different than this. Their friendship wasn't on the I can see you without your shirt level yet. Rather more on the I kinda trust you and we can talk about deep stuff basis. It was therefore an unprecedented situation for both of them. "Alec is enough, we're friends now right... aren't we?" Alec found himself wandering over Underhill's upper body. Well, yesterday they've talked about attractive men and they were all reasonably passable but he haven't really realized that Underhill himself was actually pretty attractive. No comparison to Magnus, Nobody is able to hold a candle to him, but he couldn't deny that Underhill was good looking and handsome. Stop look at him so closely Alec! He realized that he had been staring at his friend for quite a long time now and blushed. Thus, the situation was now officially a bit awkward. Is looking at others, even if in that harmless way, allowed in a relationship? Or oh God had he just cheated on Magnus? No, no, no calm down Alec. Magnus once said that it's natural that you want to look at beautiful things. Not that Underhill was an object. "Yes sure...we are friends", Underhill nodded slowly and became a little red himself. Oh damn it, pull yourself together Alec. Just open your mouth and before you even notice you'll be speaking. The warm steam escaping out of the room and into Alec's face finally brought him back from his thoughts. "Nah no, I'm feeling pretty good." He cleared his throat and asked, "Could you prepare the keys for Magnus, so he can come into the institute by himself?" Underhill frowned as he slowly asked: "So your boyfriend is suddenly living here now? What about the rules?" But Alec wanted to get out of this somehow embarrassing situation, as quick as possible so he answered curtly. "Just the keys Jack okey? Thank you." And walked in the direction of his own room. The protocol could wait.

Magnus felt the breakfast was... very weird, as expected. He was in the training room of the institute now and completed his morning Tai Chi exercises. These slow flowing movements and the meditation calmed him. He had spiced up the routine with his own flair and let a magic ball circulate between his hands. However, it was difficult for him to concentrate, because his thoughts repeatedly wandered somewhere else. - Everyone had stared at Magnus as if it was the first time they've ever saw a warlock. He had mumbled to Alec, "you know it's not too late to go out for breakfast, right?"But Alec ignored the others and asked in shock: “And miss pancake day? No way“. How could Magnus have denied him his favorite breakfast day at the institute? Nevertheless, Magnus would rather have sinked into the ground, preferably right through to Edom. But Alec stood proudly next to him and would have probably beat up everyone's ass or sent them to Wrangel Island for character-building, if they had dared to say something mean against Magnus. They had sat down with Izzy, Jace and Clary and explained them his current living situation. They all seemed genuinely enthusiastic and happy about him living here, which calmed him down a bit. Even though Alec was a huge fan of pancake day at the institute, Magnus preferred a fruit salad and a Mimosa cocktail, somewhere was definitely happy hour already. When he snapped his finger and his new breakfast had appeared, he heard a loud,  glaring and high ringing in his ears. It hurt it was getting harder and harder to repress and ignore the symptoms. He decided to talk to Cat about it later. Magnus was glad when Biscuit's cell phone rang and replaced the ringing in his ear. It was Luke who briefed her about the vampire attack at Jade Wulf. Soon after, everyone dedicated back to daily-shadowhunter-businesses. He returned to an upright position and stretched. He felt ready for the next hurdle now. He looked at his phone to reads the time 11:42, time to get his keys and get ready for lunch with Cat. Alec had told him where to find Underhill, who provided the new keys for him. So he made his way there.

After Magnus recovered from the let's call it a slightly unpleasant dining which topped any previous encounter with Maryse Lightwood (before she became nice) by lengths, he went to the security department. He wondered for the second time today if he should ask Alec to move in with him. He was torn between his feelings. And all of these high-tech machines and huge screens were giving him migraines. How did his Alexander endure that? He was looking for the big blond shadowhunter which he should get in touch with. Jack Underhill, Magnus thought. Alec went out for a drink with him yesterday, right? His heart suddenly felt heavy and an unfamiliar feeling spread throughout him. Well, it was more like several emotions at the same time and he couldn't exactly assign them. It was a mixture of fear, suspicion, and a bit of anger. Magnus didn't like these feelings, especially because he didn't understand them. He had only met Underhill once and he made a sympathetic impression. He was also good-looking, tall and muscular, bright blue eyes and well-haired blond hair. He was quite handsome Magnus thought. Underhill nodded to Magnus as he approached him. "You're here for the keys?" He asked curtly. "Yes, is this the reception to check in at the Shadowhunters Inn?" Magnus tried to lighten the mood with a joke. But the joke was bad so they just looked at each other silently. Underhill cleared his throat and instructed: "Please stand here and don't move. This is a retinal scan. If you move, we have to start all over again."Quite the soldier Magnus thought to himself, with these monitors all day long he would probably have a bad mood too. As he stood there so motionless, he wondered if Underhill thinks Alec is attractive. What a stupid question Magnus your boyfriend is a walking sex bomb! Everyone with eyes in their heads could see that Alec was attractive. And the most attractive thing about him was that he wasn't even aware of it. Hmm on the other hand... does Alec think Underhill is attractive? Before Magnus, Alec had no relationships, but his almost wife - Lydia was blond, Underhill is also blonde So maybe... Damn it, Magnus what's up with you today? You have no reason for such thoughts. He takes a deep breath and concentrates on the monitor with the built-in scan. After less than a minute - RETINAL SCAN COMPLETE - appeared in green on the screen.

"That'll do it" Underhill growled. "I'm finished?" Magnus asked in surprise, he had expected to have to stand there for hours. "Yeah," Underhill said curtly and gave him a bunch of keys. “These are your keys. I‘d explained what doors the open, but to be honest, I‘m not totally sure. Most of the shadowhunters just use the unlock rune. So good luck.“ Magnus at first thought that Underhill was just in a bad mood like all the other shadowhunters, because Magnus was around. But somehow he had the feeling that he had annoyed the man in a different way maybe with something he didn't noticed. He felt the urge to ignore his thought just like the ringing sound in his ear earlier at the breakfast table. That's why he just answered "Hmm" and turned to go. But then it occurred to him that Alec had just made friends with Underhill and he didn't want anything to stand between the two men. So he stopped and turned back to him. "I'm sorry, have I done something to offend you?" He looked questioningly at Underhill. "No, of course not." Underhill said but hesitated and crossed his arms over his chest before continuing. “I guess I‘m not sure having you moving in here is such a great idea.“ And here we go Magnus thought. He's one of them... as he said, “hmm because I‘m a warlock?“ Underhill interrupted him immediately. “No. No, no, no. Personally, I don‘t mind, but we‘ve got protocols against this sort of things.“  Magnus was surprisingly relieved to hear that it wasn't about him being a warlock. He should have known, Alec had a good sense for people, most shadowhunters were just poled to follow the rules. That someone like Alec suddenly starts to break the rules can be quite disconcerting. “Don‘t worry. I don‘t plan on living here longer than I have to. I love Alec but, these screens are giving me migraines" Magnus said and hoped to soothe Underhill a bit. Behind this serious expression seemed to be a nice guy, who actually meant well. He looked at Magnus with a honest expression and said something quite unusual for shadowhunters. “I‘m sorry. I didn‘t realize this was a temporary thing“ Magnus had already forgiven him and raised his hand to a let's forget it gesture and nodded smiling. Jack continues visibly relaxed,“and hey, for what it‘s wort, I‘m glad that you and Alec managed to work everything out“ Now Magnus was confused. What was he talking about? "Excuse me?" He asked perplexed. “Yeah, he... uh, told me you were having some differences.“ Underhill said. There it was again. slight anger, fear, suspicion and a light sting in his chest. These feelings were annoying. What was it about this blonde Shadowhunter, that Magnus suddenly felt so vulnerable? It somehow bothered him that Alec had discussed private matters with someone else, had discussed them with him. “Oh, he did, didn‘t he?“  was everything he managed to say. "Yeah," said Underhill again short tailed as in the beginning. He had noticed that, his statement somehow came across a bit strange. “Excuse me.“ Magnus said and made his way to the exit. He needed to talk to his best friend now.

45 minutes later, Magnus stood in front of the Beth Israel Hospital in New York and waited for his good old friend Catarina Loss. The young dark-skinned and black-haired woman came out and smiled at her friend. "There's my favorite seriously-in-love warlock," she said, pulling him into a heartfelt hug. Magnus had to grin. He loved this woman, he had already experienced so much with her and she was one of the few people whom he practically trusted blindly. "Hello my dear old house," Magnus teased back. They walked for a while until they came to a small alley and Cat opened a portal to Zurich. Magnus was glad that she took the initiative and opened the portal, he still didn't know how to confess to her about the unpleasant symptoms he was having lately. But Cat had a totally different taste in food than him. "Don't you just only eat cheese in Switzerland?", he thought. Cat rolled her eyes as she noticed his hesitation. "Come on, I know a great hip brasserie at Zurich Hardbrücke, they serve the best tapas and seashells believe me." Magnus frowned, seashells weren't really his cup of tea either. He was more kinda the old-fashioned guy always ready for a good piece of meat, medium rare. And he's just barely escaped, the tasteless cardboard which the Institute calls pancake, today. "If you don't like it I'll pay", Cat tried again. So, Magnus gave himself a jolt, today wasn't really his day. Arriving at the restaurant, Cat ordered, in her fluent Swiss German, two portions of Moules et Frites and two cocktails, with hers being non-alcoholic, as she had to work quite long this evening. 20 minutes later they sat at a table outside on the terrace, laughing, smacking, reveling in memories and enjoying the sun. Magnus had to admit that the seashells were really excellent and that his wise friend could still introduce him to new things after so many years. Yes, she knew him so well, as almost nobody else does. "Cat because of the real estate agent, can you recommend me someone?" he asked. She nodded eagerly "Yes, I know the perfect man for you, he is from Brooklyn and knows the area, as I know you, this is very important to you. I've wrote him already and made an appointment for tomorrow, I assumed you would like to move out of the institute as soon as possible?" she looked at Magnus amused "It's not that terrible," Magnus said sheepishly. "Alec is trying so hard...and..." Cat interrupted him "speaking of Alec... I didn't know what to tell the agent about the apartment your looking for, I mean I know you and your expensive taste, but if you two are really about to take the next step...? she blurted out. "How many rooms would it need ... are we about to expect some small mini Alec's any time soon, I mean I know how good he is with kids?" Magnus' eyes widened and he blushed slightly. The two broke out in laughter. Magnus loved the direct nature of his friend. He valued her opinion and knew that he could always expect an honest answer from her. "Don't you no longer think that's it a bit too fast?" Magnus asked uncertainly.

She thought for a moment before answering, "Magnus you deserve to be happy and if it makes you happy to move in with him, then do it." You've never dared to take this step with anyone else before and I haven't seen you so happy, as with Alec, for a long time now. You're good for each other and if you don't try it, you'll never know how it could have been. After her speech, Magnus couldn't stop smiling. There's something else I wanted to ask you about, he started hesitantly. usually he has got the gift of the gab, but what he wanted to ask her next was a little embarrassing. "Do you think .. um... well... that I'm a jealous person...?" Cat looked at him pleasant as she spoke,"well, well, well, a jealous Magnus Bane, never thought that I'd live so long to ever experience that. Hmm...the fact that you have to ask me that answers everything, don't you agree? " Magnus rolled his eyes, knowing she was right. He had wondered the whole morning, what was it about these new curious feelings? and then it finally fell from his eyes like scales. Jealousy. He, Magnus bane was slightly jealous of Underhill. He didn't want to admit it at first, because he was embarrassed and he thinks Underhill is actually really nice. But here he sat in front of his best friend who could read him like an open book and knew she was right. "Magnus Alec adores you, how comes you feel threatened by someone?" She asked in surprise. Magnus sighed heavily, "Oh, Catarina, it's all me, my self-doubts are coming back. I feel that everything is going too good, that I don't deserve it and I'm just kinda waiting for something or someone to come across and take that happiness away from me...you understand?" She understood him all too well, all these dramas with Camille in the passt have left their marks. Cat reached for his hand on the table and looked at him seriously. "Stop sabotaging yourself. You deserve this ok?" She looked at him so intensive, he didn't dare to turn away his head from her. "You are worth it Magnus and don't let someone else tell you otherwise,...talk to Alec about your fears, but don't let those feelings get the upper hand. A little jealousy is okey just don't overdo it okey?" Magnus was reassured, Cat always knew what she had to say to cheer him up. He didn't want to destroy the moment by telling her that his body was rejecting Lorenzo's magic. Even as she looked at him questioningly with her tell me about the last thing that's bothering you expression, he just shrugged. "Thanks, Cat, I needed that, let's head back, I should probably talk to Alec." She nodded knowingly, he would tell her when he was ready she thought and the two made their way back to New York.

Back at the institute, Magnus went straight to Alec's office. Alec once told him he doesn't always have to knock, he rarely had someone really important visiting and the big meetings were mostly held in Alicante. So, Magnus just enterd. Alec wasn't sitting at his desk as usually, he was chilling in a comfortable armchair beside his little table and studied some reports. He looked up as Magnus entered the room and asked: “how was your first day? You all set up?“ Sitting down on the armchair next to him, Magnus resolved to begin this conversation rationally. “Hmm. Good to go.“ he started before failing miserably as he continued to speak,“Your handsome friend took care of everything“ Alec frowned and thought about what Magnus just said before asking hesitantly “Underhill?“ Magnus after that quick like a shot and curiously wide-eyed,“you think he‘s handsome? The second the question left his mouth, he regretted it. Damn it Magnus, he thought, we already had this topic. Now stop with this jealousy game. You don't need this. Alec looked at him sheepishly, as the awkward bath towel situation of this morning came back to his mind, when he answered uncertainly,“I guess?“ Magnus took in the new information and tried to find the right words to tell Alec what was on his mind. Alec got a bit nervous and added,“Is that a problem?“ Magnus saw that Alec was afraid he had done something wrong and said soothingly  “No.“ Alec wasn't sure if that was true, but still devoted himself back to his reports. “Yes“ Magnus corrected and decided to be honest. Cat had advised him to talk honestly about his feelings, so he did. “I just don‘t know if I feel comfortable with you airing out our dirty laundry to the entire Institute...“ Now Alec was quite confused for a second he had thought Magnus was jealous, but it sounded quite as if something else had happened between him and Underhill.“What are you talking about?“ he asked. Magnus sighed: now or never Magnus, come on. “You told him we were having relationship issues.“ Alec wasn't sure were Magnus was going with this conversation. “So I‘m not allowed to talk to people about my problems?“ he asked in confusion. Magnus realized how childish this sounded, of course Alec was allowed to talk with his friends about his problems. It was just... what was it that disturbed him? “Well, sure. But him? You barely even know him.“ Magnus was right Alec thought and he was sorry, not about him in principle talking to others about his problems, but that Magnus was feeling uncomfortable and he somehow understood him. He hardly knew Underhill that was true, but that's how friendships start. You get to know each other and Alec trusted Underhill. He would have thought Magnus would understand that.  “I just didn‘t think it was a big deal.“ Alec finally said. Magnus had a guilty conscience, he didn't want Alec to feel bad just because he couldn't control his feelings. After all, it wasn't Alec's fault that he felt that way. He tried to choose his words carefully when he started: “I know. I just feel... Sometimes, I...“ All at once Alec could see it very clearly. he hadn't been wrong before. Magnus was jealous! His boyfriend was truly jealous.

Alec was neither hurt nor angry at this newfound fact. He had asked Magnus last night already, after he went out for a beer with Underhill at Hunter's Moon and Magnus denied it. Weak denied, but still. Alec haven't been thinking about it afterwards. And he couldn't imagine, that Magnus the most beautiful and confident man Alec knew could be jealous. He smiled from ear to ear as he finally said it,“wait. You‘re jealous.“ Magnus contradicted slightly offended when he realized that he had just been caught,“I don‘t get jealous.“ Alec kinda liked the idea of a jealous Magnus, because from his perspective there was no one who could ever compete with Magnus. He couldn't stop grinning. No one has ever been jealous of another person because of Alec. Magnus was kind of sweet when he was jealous so Alec wanted to savor the moment and tease his boyfriend a bit.“You‘re jealous. You‘re actually jealous.“ Alec stated. Magnus had no chance, the cat was out of the bag now. But he still acted a little pouted when he said: “I‘ve never gotten jealous. This is not...“ Alec's phone rang and Magnus took the opportunity to pull himself out of the affair. “Answer it.“ Magnus command and Alec just kept grinning to himself as he answered the call.

After Heidi's death and turning in Rafael to the Clave, Alec became painfully aware again of how important rules are. He loved having Magnus in the institute, but he would prefer to live with him. Having a joint home, their Home. He had asked Magnus once back then, and he didn't want to. It was too early he said. Not much time had passed since then and yet it felt like an eternity. And Alec was a stubborn person so he decided to ask one more time. He wanted to ask Underhill for advice this morning and then didn't do it cause of sheer shame. He took deep breath and went to visit his friend again. He needed a bit of courage and assurances before launching his plan. That's why he asked Underhill for the official shadowhunter-regulations when he arrived the security compartment. Alec: "Jack, are you sure the head of the institute doesn't have to live in the institute?" Jack was still rummaging in a few other documents as he spoke, "pretty sure... aha here it is!" He pulled out the thick, brown-inlaid, rather dusty book and looked for the corresponding page with the inscription."So here it is," said Underhill, reading aloud:

RULES FOR THE HEAD OF A SHADOWHUNTER INSTITUTES

RESIDENCE AND ACCOMMODATION

Art. 23 para. 7 - the head of the institute receives a suitable room in the institute, where he/she can retire and plan his/her further steps if needed.

"Hmm ... yes you're right it's not written that you have to actually live in the institute. Only that you'll get a room to use, as a place to think." Alec said slowly. "So could I help you?" Underhill asked, smiling. "I think so, thanks for everything," Alec responds, lost in his thought and already turned to leave. Should he ask Magnus again or would that be too intrusive? He didn't want to force himself on Magnus but he could see their future clearly in mind. He knew that he was ready and wanted make all these new experiences with him. No matter how scared he was of another rejection, he would try it again.

"Magnus had realized that he had acted very irrational previously and he should apologize to Alec. Full of anticipation he opened the door to Alec's office and entered. "You where looking for me?" he asked, willing to admit his mistake. Alec looked down in distress and nodded "Yeah." Magnus, now ready  to stand the ground started his apology, which he had practiced in his head for the last half a hour, because that's the way to do it in a healthy relationship. Communication is everything. "Alexander if this is about what we were talking about earlier, I was wrong. You have every right to talk out your problems with your friends, no matter how good-looking they are."he started frantically. But Alec interrupted him gently,"this isn't about that. This is about you living at the Institute. "Oh." was the only thing Magnus could answer, he hadn't expected the conversation to lead into that direction. Alec spoke slowly, choosing each word carefully. "Believe me I want to live with you, but you were right. Having a outsider live at the Institute that is against the protocol. And how can I expect everyone else to follow the rules, if I don't follow them myself?" Magnus didn't blame Alec, he knew it was a logical conclusion. He was more than thankful that they had even tried. "I understand. I'll move out first thing in the morning "Magnus replied understanding. But Alec wasn't finished yet, something important to him, still seemed to be on his mind. "However, there is no protocol that says the head of the Institute has to actually live at the Institute. So when you find a place, I was hoping that we could...both move in...together." Magnus heart was racing, yes Alec had milled his plan to ask him to move in with him this time, but Magnus couldn't care less about that now. This time, Magnus didn't have to think about it, it made him so unbelievably happy that Alec really had the courage to ask him again. He had played with this thought all day long and having Alec ask him again made his self-doubt disappear. You deserve to be happy he heard Cat's voice in his head. He didn't expect Alec to bring up back this sensitive topic but his Alexander never ceased to amaze him. This time he was ready. He wanted Alec and he wanted everything with him.  At once, that throbbing pain in his head started off again and slowly but surely he couldn't ignore it anymore. But he pulled himself together cause he needed to answer this. He needed this, he needs to  make this promise before it's too late. "Only if I get my own walk-in closet."he answered while smiling full of love and Alec could hardly believe it. He was so nervous and surprised at the same time because he had already suspected a NO in the back of his head. "You mean that?" he asked in disbelief. "Of course. I love you." Magnus said and took a step towards him to kiss him. But in that moment, the ringing in his head began again harder and louder and everything around him began to turn. My body, what's going on with my body? His body cramped and blood shot out of his nose and then out of his mouth.

"Magnus?" Alec asked worriedly. Magnus coughed and turned away. Even now he tried to hide the pain from Alec. His stomach turned and he felt the warm blood in his mouth. "Magnus?" Alec asked worriedly. "I'm fine." He could just say before spewing huge amounts of blood on the floor and collapsing. I can't speak, I can't think straight, Magnus thoughts were a wild mess. Alec is holding me I'm not falling anymore, stay with me Alec, please don't leave me. Words, where are the words? I can't speak I can't invoke the right language."Magnus?" Alec is  calling me and I hear myself speaking. Why am I talking Indosnesian. "Magnus?" I hear him scream again. Pain, more pain. My head is pulsing. It's getting worse. Oh no my head is going to explode. "Magnus?" Alec yells. I can hear his fear and desperation."Medic! Somebody get help!" he screams. I feel like everything is slipping away. "Magnus!" Alec's voice is so far away now and even the pain feels dull. "Someone get help!" I hear him say and suddenly everything is dark.

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post #2 - Thank You

What an overwhelming 36 hours it's been. An endless amount of phone calls & messages of support got me through what was an agonising day of waiting yesterday. This blog was started to keep my family and close friends informed about my journey but it's grown into so much more.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to each and every single one of you that took the time to reach out and wish me the best of luck. A simple message of support may not seem like much to you, but when you're in a situation like mine it means so much. Thank you.

Monday night provided the worst sleep I've had in weeks. Keep in mind, i've had some terrible sleeps in that time! Why? It was nerves. Simple as that. I was nervous for the gastroscopy and biopsy. It wasn't the procedure itself but the anaesthetic side to the operation. I haven't been under since I was five and the unknown had my measure. What if they didn't put me under fully? What if I could feel the procedure? What if I woke up early? What if I didn't wake up at all?

In retrospect, I lost sleep over nothing.

With the little sleep I did have, I woke up Tuesday morning earlier than normal. I was expecting the gastroscopy between 8:30am - 11:30am and knew I was booked in for a Radionuclide Ventriculography (RVG) scan of my heart later that afternoon.

Since being in hospital, 9am has been my regular time to get up, shower, brush the chompers - y'know, get ready for the day of sitting in my little 3x3 room and watching the world go past. Tuesday however, I was up and about at 7:30 - showered and ready. I hate feeling dirty, so if my procedure was at 8:30, I'd be ready to go.

Breakfast rolled around at 8:00 and I had to politely decline it as I was required to fast from 12am for the procedure.

This is about the time when my previous blog post took off and messages started coming in for the remainder of the morning. Before I knew it, it was 11am and nobody had been to get me for my procedure yet. I called the nurse and enquired to which I was told to hand tight, it shouldn't be much longer. Whilst she was around, she did my daily observations and it was no surprise to see my heart rate up to 100+BPM (regularly around 65BPM resting) and a slightly higher blood pressure. I guarantee this was due to the nerves.

Lunch comes around at 12:30 and once again had to politely decline. 12 hours fasting thus far - lucky I don't have an appetite still and honestly didn't care! It was around this time the doctor comes around with the results of my Lumbar Puncture. This fortunately came back negative as there was no major changes to the one I had three weeks ago. White blood cells still present with a marginally higher protein count than normal. I once again mentioned about my gastroscopy or there lack of and the doctor assumed I'd already had it. He said he'd follow it up and get back to me.

Mentally, I'm okay. Still incredibly nervous and a little frustrated I prepared myself for a procedure between 8:30 - 11:30 and still nothing. Your messages of support continue to light up my phone, which certainly kept me pre-occupied and made the time fly by.

Finally! 2:43pm and somebody comes to my bed to pick me up. "Justin Smith for a procedure? Let's go." I mentally build myself up as they take me. With my heart beating the quickest it had all day, we get going. Minutes later, we get into quite a dark room with a single scanner to my left and a glass wall. The radiographer, Liv meets me and goes through the basic questions. Name? Date of birth? Address? What are you here for? "A gastroscopy and biopsy" I reply. A few seconds of awkward silence follows so I split it with an "I think..." hoping to relieve the slight tension.

Liv replies with "not quite. We're here to do your Radionuclide Ventriculography scan of your heart."

My heart dropped. I spent the past fifteen minutes mentally preparing to go under and it's not even for the right procedure; I almost feel robbed!

To give you a brief understanding, the RVG scan involves injecting a small amount of radioactive material into your blood stream where they then track it until it passes through the heart, ensuring the heart is healthy and working as it should to a level that it should. Why am I having this scan? Good question. The doctors wanted to get ahead of the game essentially. Providing the biopsy comes back positive for lymphoma, I will need chemotherapy. The level of that chemo will depend, however if I do happen to require a strong dose, it can have negative effects to the heart. This scan is to ensure they have a baseline reading of my heart and ensure it will be able to handle a high dose of chemo.

This scan took 40 minutes from start to finish and before I knew it, I was up in my ward again. By this time, dad had arrived so at least I had somebody to talk to and reassure me when the time comes to get my gastroscopy.

4:00pm and the time finally came. 16 hours of fasting, I was slightly hungry but by this stage, I just wanted to get the procedure over and done with. I was still nervous, but more relieved the time had come. Having dad there for the hour or so beforehand made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.

The operation itself involved a gastroscopy (camera down my throat into my stomach) and if they could see lymphnodes, get a biopsy to test.

Cutting to the chase, was it worth worrying for 16+ hours? Not at all. All I remember is them checking my blood pressure, putting something in my cannula and asking me to count to 10. I got to 12 and next thing I know, I woke up coughing my lungs up in recovery with a nurse next to me. Luckily, the coughing only lasted for about fifteen minutes and that was just a result of irritating my throat.

Apparently, the gastroscopy went well and they were able to get a couple of good tissues from the lymphnodes to biopsy. Additionally, they also took the following photos whilst they were inside - I have no idea what they're of or even if anything is okay, but I thought they were cool!

For the first 45 minutes after the procedure, I felt fine. I was great! I felt incredibly thirsty and hungry but I assume that was simply due to the fact I hadn't eaten. Things from here turned pretty quickly once I had some dinner and a glass of water. I started to go downhill pretty quickly - feeling incredibly fatigued and tired....essentially dopey. It was from here I knew I just needed to have some rest and I'd wake up better in the morning. Needless to say, I was asleep by 9pm and basically slept through the night...except for when the nurses woke me up at 11pm, 12pm. 3am and 5am.

Waking up this morning (Wednesday July 17th), I instantly felt a lot better than I had last night. Admittedly, I had a bit more of a sleep in than I generally would've - it was great. I use the term 'sleep in' lightly though - it's nothing like a sleep in at home! What was the plan of attack for today? Well to be honest I wasn't too sure. A doctor yesterday mentioned briefly about a bone marrow test however the nurses and doctors on had no idea about one and couldn't see one booked in. I hadn't eaten since the night prior however the nurses got me to fast once again whilst they investigated. As a result, breakfast was staring me right in the face and I couldn't even touch my beloved weetbix, milk and sugar!

The clock ticks over to 10:37 and a Young, lanky doctor comes by. "Hi Justin, I'm Alex and I'll be doing your bone marrow procedure today..." Alex went on to explain the procedure, risks and what to expect. As he finished and started to walk away I had one last burning question. "When are we doing it? Later this afternoon?" "Now" Alex replied.

Woah. Wait. What? Hang on two seconds. I'm not prepared for this. You mean now...as in like, once Alex had finished preparing? You betcha....

Now I was under the assumption I'd be getting knocked out as I had done the night before however Alex proceeded to explain they'll put some medication in my cannula that "makes you feel like you've had four or five beers" as well as some local anaesthetic. No point being worried or scared about it - if it's getting done bedside, it couldn't be near as bad as the lumbar puncture, right? Once again, like I have been for the past few weeks I was completely and utterly wrong.

First though, what's this procedure involve? Basically, blood, white blood cells and platelets are produced in your bone marrow. This can be accessed via key areas of your body depending on your age...for me it was my hipbone - left side to be exact. The aim of the procedure is to get these fresh samples of blood, white blood cells and platelets as well as get a sample of my bone marrow - generally one small sample of the bone.

Alex got me curled up in the fetal position, lying on my right and basically began straight away. A few local anaesthetic needles numbed the surface before he inserted a needle in to collect the blood samples. This part was similar to a lumbar puncture, but I couldn't feel as much internally.

Alex then stated he was starting the bone marrow collection, which was without fail the worst part of this whole experience so far. He used the large needle with a blue handle, which can be seen below.

Alex hit the bone and advised me the next part was only going to tickle a little bit. What's he do? He starts to screw into my bone. Whilst I couldn't see, it felt very similar to uncorking a bottle of wine. Whilst he went in no deeper than 1mm, christ it hurt. The worst part was yet to come. Much like the pressure behind uncorking a bottle of wine, this happened too. Alex yanked the sample out and the pressure and pain was immense! Done. It's all done. Thank goodness. Then Alex said the words I didn't want to hear next. "Y'know what Justin? We want to make sure we only have to do this once, so let's get another sample, eh?"

Oh my lord. Are you kidding me? Whatever. Lets do it. I want to get it over and done with. I don't even think I replied, just mumbled something along the lines of whatever. And thus, the process happens again. I've attached photos of the two samples below, which I thought were pretty cool!

I must admit, Alex was incredible during the procedure. I asked at the start to keep me informed throughout the whole process. I'm quite an inquisitive character when things are happening that I don't know what the process is and this was no different. Alex not only kept me informed, he did as much as he could to keep me as comfortable as I could be during such a procedure. One thing I was incredibly surprised at was how much blood was on his hands!

Not much happened throughout the rest of today to be honest. Courtney, dad and mum came to visit but that was it. The doctors advised they are expecting the result of the biopsy tomorrow afternoon (hopefully) however they said it could take anywhere up to 72 hours from the procedure - which puts it at Friday night or Monday. Where does that put me? Same boat as I have been throughout this entire process - just waiting for answers.

I was advised that the results could come back either negative or inconclusive. Whilst this wouldn't be ideal, it's unfortunately just going to be another roadblock in this venture. In preparation the results don't come back the way we probably expect the, too, I'm booked in for an ultrasound of my gall bladder tomorrow. That will be their next avenue to answers. I suspect this is because my PET scan showed up significant areas in my gall bladder and I suppose that's not exactly a vital cog of the human body...so I suspect they'll just remove it, cut it open and see what's inside. But that's nowhere near a medical analysis of what's going to happen.

Before I finish for tonight, I'll leave you with how I am mentally. How am I going despite all this? Y'know what? I'm actually the opposite to what you probably think I am. I'm in the best mental state I have been over the past six weeks. Why? I think it's because we're close to (hopefully) getting an answer or at least following a more solid path to answers.

I end tonight with a final thank you. Thank you for all the messages and endless love. It's helping - trust me, it is.

Juzz xx

[bhrissadaneera]

DAY 3, Remixing and Innovation of Music & TGIF

Monday, 1st of April 2019.

Between 09.30-15.00 AEST

--

In frame : Audra, Kintari, Steven.

--

Okay where should I start?

Before we all got into the workshop place, there are stories to tell. So on the 2nd Day, the advisor said that we should be gathered at 8.00 AM. Me and Keiko were roommates, and we actually thought that we gonna have breakfast at 8, so we slept again even aafter Mr. Hengky knocked our door at 7. Because of this, we ended up really shocked, so we hurry a lot.

Well, the story is not until there. When i got out from the hotel and we almost take trams, I remembered that my money might fell outside of my luggage, so I went back myself to the hotel by the knowledge I knew the previous day on how should I go back, letting the others go for the trams. Here, I promised to myself not to be clumsy again, but then, there is something that I actually learn. After going back and get my money, I found out that Mr. Hengky is here to accompany me to go to the workshop place since the others are going there already. Through Queensberry Street, we find the first tram and we stopped in Melbourne City Central stop, finding the others there. I learned a lot in the tram where I could know where to go and when to find the right tram. To be honest, at this point, I feel like I wanted to explore more. When we got there, it was mentioned that it will be open at 9AM. I was late already, and we are early. Amazing. Long story short, we got into The Channel, and met Rossalynd. In the first session of the Music and Innovation Workshop, we learn how to re-arrange a song. Together with Audra, I arranged a song. I forgot what song it is. The result wa marvelous. We removed some parts and added some beat to make it more lively.

Moving on, 1st session was done. It's lunch time! Just below the Sountbank building, we went to the side of Yarra River crossing through CBD. We walked for 10 minutes to got to a restaurant, TGIF. I am pretty familiar with the restaurant, and the food they served was amazing. First dish was the appetizer, in which they served a bunch of honey chicken fillets on a plate. I THOUGHT IT WAS THE FINAL DISH.😂 It turns out that a big burger is there to make ourselves full. The burger was super big, some of us can't even finish it.

Again, moving on to the 2nd session with Rossalynd. Based on the title of the workshop, we learn the innovation of music. With Makey Makey, we could make musics with anything. It is hard to describe what is going on, but the output will be : you can just touch anything that is connected with Makey Makey, and you could make beats or musics from there. When we were there, we immediately continue to the 3rd session. Personally, the 3rd session was my favorite. Me and Audra got to make our own beats by putting instruments and keys, and replay them all over again, then combine it with another instruments. It was fun, and the result was truly amazing. I would love to continue my work again someday.

From this workshop, I learn how to make musics since I've never got to learn further more about making music besides using Mixcraft. It was amazing for me when I saw Makey Makey. I really learn how to use Makey Makey as the Innovation of music nowadays. I will be taking my whole lesson from The Channel to improve more on my music making skills and explore more about Makey Makey that haven't been exported to Indonesia yet.