#80's i promise I'll try to find you a birthday present. you fucking deserve it for what youre doing to and with me

[pearbody-squareheads]

28/10/22 (365 words)

90.585 words, 291 pages

The morning was ending fine, until Black Nails found the freshly "posted" circular letter about the course for the Poli in the school website. We were in the underground at the time, already huddled in a circle, him, 80's and I and Mads before she got off. He read it from top to bottom, stopping to comment and explain and we commented too, and we discussed about it. 8 afternoon lessons either at school or online, plus 2 in the university itself. Test is at the end of February. And it took me short, during the talk, to get the anxiety and distress. They seem so self confident and sure, and I'm there with my 5 years of "math dumbness" believing I can get inside like them. Ohoy there came the imposter syndrome, which followed me during the road home and it took a call from my best friend to calm me down. What am I doing? What am I doing? Betting on such a thing like this with a story like mine? Believing I can succeed? What am I doing? Nothing is going to stop me from doing this course because I WANT it, but jeez... if I'll spend these lessons staring blankly at the blackboard while people around me are solving dumb shit I can't comprehend, then I'll get really sick. Feels like a fish trying to breath air to stay with the frogs. And aight, periophthalmuses do exist, but how many chances that I can become one? Or making the poorest figure of my life in front of myself and the people whose opinion I worry about the most? But I care so much about this thing. It's my future. I don't wanna do some plain degree for a plain job that can sustain my writing, I want something that I want to do, while writing. I care so much and I have so little chances.

Until September, I thought I would have gone to languages or literature because I good in English and appreciate Shakespeare. My aunt thought I had already started learning Croatian. I believed I would have become a simultaneous translator or something like that, since English is easy for me. Now I want to become an engineer. Because I'm tired of things that are easy for me. I don't want easy. I want smart.