#7) but make sure self-penchant for trivializing and joking about problems doesn't destroy the seriousness of the vibes

[vermillioncrown]

Fuck you and your writing. What the hell. How tbe fuck did you make a tasteful brothel scene, how the hell did you manage to do all this shit. This chapter was fuckin heart wrenching. I wanted to see WWX get fucked up and then he did and it wasn't satisfying, but it was good writing and i liked it regardless. God. How the hell did you do this shit. What the fuck.

:^) thank you, i hit my target :^) :^)

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because i really, really cared about getting the exact flavor of this chapter right, so much so that it took over a year.

the brothel scene is so important in what it means in the fic, which is more than showing that zyx fucked. or that zyx fucked a girl for real. or to do some questioning of sexuality.

(which i think i had to go through the five stages of grief when someone excitedly talked about it like having sex means someone is no longer aspec like... every day i am confronted by the fact we all coexist with vastly different perspectives on reality, and these realities are all true to some extent, sigh)

it's also not about being edgy and buying hookers, getting drunk, and all that.

so without using prostitution, nightlife, and sex as a prop and just being real with it, i hope that it doesn't come off goofy, edgy, or objectifying. the perils of trying to convey complicated feelings without therapy speak in-fic, and being really honest in someone's motivations and reactions (bc, unavoidably, it IS an SI).

the brothel scene and its whole fallout was so important, in fact, that i rewrote the entire order of the chapter. originally, the scenes were supposed to be in chronological order. logical, but it just felt like a boring recounting of events. sure, the events are fresh and we wanna see what zyx-mess happens next, but it's just a bunch of 'and then, and then, and then'. works for interlude chapters (ch8, ch15), but this really isn't one.

seguing, i learned a lot from how i wrote bil. dbd will never be as lean as bil, but it reminded me that when i drafted the fic, i focused on certain developments and ideas for a reason. also, since it's a chapter that doesn't involve too many canon characters, which let's be real that's usually the reason we stick around these kinds of fics, it needed to have purpose and be clear about what feeling it's trying to convey

even at the cost of simplicity in order of events

it would have been so difficult to keep the type of upset that zyx is feeling through a chapter that spans months, develops two interpersonal relationships, has a big oopsie, in chronological order without a too-angsty tone. too many periodic reminders would feel jarring and obtrusive, and exaggerate it. and that's also just not how zyx (i) deal with upsets, thank you adhd

and like, doing that for 10k+. (eternally i thank my readers for their patience and willingness to read so much bc people don't read fanfic for deep analysis and extra hw...) that's too much.

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the second most important scene is the wwx duel, you got it. (i'd lump the lxc duel there, too bc those two are kinda related)

(sometimes i worry i made wwx too annoying. but then i talk myself back--it's always perspective. wwx isn't doing more than he already did in canon. we just have someone who can articulate how they feel about what he does, and he's not the main narrator of dbd.)

we get to a very clear demonstration of zyx as a character--it's more or less "i have no mouth and i must scream". here's your chance to be violent. you know you want it. do it. act out, make yourself heard.

zyx doesn't do it.

and you know what? i will be honest, truly honest here: i am sorry if you can instantly clock why zyx is the way they are, because for real 'recognition of the self in the other'.

lack of satisfaction--when you know what you wanted all along was for something to have never have happened at all, would punishment (displaced punishment) satisfy you? would it fix you? sometimes it helps, just for a moment. but i've answered this question enough times that i know i'd rather have never had to ask that question in the first place.

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tldr: it's because it's a chapter about emotional honesty, and i as the author was really fucking honest and tried my fucking best to convey that.