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facesofopioids-blog · 6 years

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Spotlight Sunday

"God's Kiss"

By: Kelly Morgan

So there he was, standing in front of me, his smile his eyes has bright blue eyes every part of his face Charmed me to no end. He asked me if I would go out with him sometime, I said sure, why not. Here I was the single mom of 3 boys working two jobs, how on Earth could I possibly say no to such a Charming Man. The beginning of our relationship started off with him picking me up for an hour or two before my midnight shift and he would ask me do you want to go for a ride of course I always said yes because that was the only time I was going to get with him while I was working. After a while I began to realize that these little drives and trips seemed very odd I would be sitting in the car and he would go into a house, it was never the same house, and he would stay inside for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and I would just sit in the car. It didn't dawn on me until a few months later when I was having severe back pain and he reached into his pocket and he pulled out a little yellow pill, what he had really been doing in those houses. All of those little trips and drives that I went with him on for the first few months of our relationship had really been him selling and flipping pain pills. I had taken pain pills in the past after surgery or after breaking a bone, but never had I paid any attention to the feeling that it gave me. I never realized that I was getting an intense euphoric High. But from that day forward, he would hand me the occasional pills weather at the white, yellow, or blue. Then he introduced to me the brown one the one that he said would be hard to chew up because it's not supposed to be chewed up. It was my first Oxycontin. I remember not being able to keep my eyes open not being able to pee, throwing up, and just being completely out of it, and that was the first time I realized that my Prince Charming was just feeding me pills. This one on from May of 2013 when he convinced me to quit those two jobs and go back to my old job as a dancer. I didn't think anything of it, but he said that the extra money could help us get a house and a car and take care of the kids, and it would be a lot easier to do the things that we wanted to do together. So I did just that. I went back to work as a dancer and it first I loved it. I had missed dancing. I didn't think I would still be any good at it. After about 2 months of dancing, I decided after having a really good night of work where I made $800 in 4 hours, that we should go and do something really fun. I decided to plan a trip to an amusement park. One that I had not been to in years, one that I remember going to since the age of 6 years old every year until I was 18 years old. Remembering it always being a blast and we never ever left early. We stayed until the very end, until the parade, and until the fireworks, and then falling asleep in the car on the way home. I was really really looking forward to our day at the amusement park and we went, and we rode a few rides, but then all of a sudden things felt different just around 2 p.m. I started to feel really tired, a little bit sweaty, had just lost all of my energy, so much so that we took a break. Put our heads down and started to fall asleep. I just really did not feel good and I wasn't sure why, but I figured it wasn't getting any better so let's just go home and it was only 4 p.m.. After spending all of the money on the trip and for food and everything that we did at the amusement park, gas, tolls and every other expense I knew I only had about $40 left and he asked me on the way home for that $40. Then he decided to call his friend and we stopped at his friends house. After he met his friend, he handed me a pill. Sure enough, 20 minutes later I started to feel better and that's when I knew I was becoming physically dependent, physically dependent on pain pills..

Now let's fast forward 3 months. He started coming to my house acting really really funny. His face would be beat red. He would be just sitting there and he would start nodding out. I would find him in the bathroom sleeping on the toilet. He would be gone from my house for hours and hours upon hours. However for these hours all I did was sit home and wonder where he was and what he was doing.. Then on Halloween of 2013, my phone went off and there was a text message from one of his friends and it stated "Brandon, don't do it three times and you are hooked, it is the worst decision I've ever made in my life." I became concerned and I questioned him wondering what this text could possibly mean, and when I asked him what he had been doing and what this text was about. His answer was he had smoked a Wiki stick. I had no idea what that was. I had never done a drug in my life, so he elaborated further and told me that it was marijuana rolled up dipped in embalming fluid and then you would smoke it. For some reason I just couldn't believe it. There was no way that anything that had to do with marijuana could be getting him this messed up. I then decided to call his friend. I wanted to figure out the truth what it was that he was really doing and they told me that it was up to him to let me know. But he wouldn't. So I decided to continue my day. It was Halloween, we needed to get home and get the boys ready for trick-or-treating. Before we went trick-or-treating, he said we needed to go to the gas station, and that's when I saw it my first hand to hand Exchange. I had no idea what it was that he had in his hand. I asked him after we were trick-or-treating what it was that he had and he didn't say anything. I saw him walking to my bathroom so I decided to barge in behind him. I asked him let me see this, stop and so he showed it to me he pulled out this tiny little bag with a little whitish tan Chunk in it. At that point I had figured out that it was heroin. I then demanded that he do some in front of me, and he did just that and then out of pure Spite and pure anger not even the slightest amount of curiosity just anger and hostility, I demanded him.. okay, now let me try some, let me see what this big hype is all about, let me understand what it is that is making you come to my house everyday so messed up that you can't even keep your eyes open. He responds with no no no, and I continued with my anger. I said no, let me do some. I really need to see what the big deal is. And finally he gave in. He broke out a little tiny line on my bathroom sink and he rolled up a dollar bill for me and I put it in my nose and I snorted the substance off of my bathroom sink. I walked into my bedroom and I just remember this intense very intense feeling of euphoria. What I had done, they always describe the feeling is God's kiss, and to this day although at the time it made sense, the phrase used to describe what I felt in that moment absolutely disgusts me. I had no idea what I had just gotten myself into but I became a monster for exactly 10 months. I was working and working, just making money to support my new habit. One that I had no idea I would get by just doing one small line. I did anything and everything any addicts would do to get their High. I lied I stole, I pawned everything I owned, I ran from the police I'm in if you waited people absolutely anything and everything to get that feeling again. But you only get that feeling once, you don't get it again, because now you are stuck. Your mind doesn't need it but your body does. You just can't go without it, you can't function, you can't get up in the morning, you can't take care of your children.. you neglect everything, you aren't yourself anymore, you don't shower, you don't put makeup on, you don't spend time with anyone, you avoid family, you've lost all your friends, you've lost your mind, and you've lost yourself. You have no self respect, you have no dignity, you are not recognizable by those around you, you can't even recognize yourself when you look into a mirror.

I will never forget the last time I decided I was going to get high. I had danced all night it was 3 in the morning when I got off of work. I asked my friend to give me a ride so that I could go and get my dope. I would originally go to Illinois, that was my go-to, but because it was so late my friend asked me.. no can we just go where we went before work since it's a lot closer and it's really late. So I called that guy instead and he said come on. And so we went and on the way there I get a text on my phone that said "ALLEY". I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING OF GOING INTO THE ALLEY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE. As we approach the street that turns into the alley, I turned in my friend and I said your car is making a funny noise, my Prince Charming in the backseat says, “no the car is not making a funny noise those are gunshots”. I said, no they're not.. I was oblivious. I didn't care. I just needed to get high. I didn't want to be sick. So I said, “we're fine, we're fine, let's go”, and then we turn into the alley. My boyfriend tells my friend to turn off the headlights so that no cops would see us and she did just that. I remember a sense of anxiety as I was looking down at my phone texting my dealer three different texts that I will never forget. The first one said I'm here, the second one then said, Hurry I'm here, and the final text said, I'm here hurry. It was then that I heard the Earth shattering words OH MY GOD HE HAS A GUN!!! I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO THINK I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO BLINK I TURN MY HEAD TO THE LEFT AND I PUT MY RIGHT ARM AND HAND IN FRONT OF MY FACE BULLETS WERE FLYING LEFT AND RIGHT. I REMEMBER SCREAMING REVERSE REVERSE GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE REVERSE REVERSE GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE. But then I found out I never said a word I didn't make a peep until I realized I was in a gas station parking lot. I was safe, and then I leaned over in my seat and it's really warm feeling in my chest and blood just started pouring out of my mouth. My hand and my arm felt like they were on fire, and I looked down and all I see is just blood. I look to the right of me because at that point I realized I have been shot.

Not one time, not two times, but three. I turned my head and I looked at the back of my seat and I saw more blood and that's when I realized I had been hit in my head and I was terrified. I let out the most horrific scream anybody could ever let out. My prince charming gets out of the back seat and he comes up to me and he's like my baby, she shot, she's been shot, she's hurt. Call an ambulance. Before the ambulance could get there I was begging him please hold me, I'm going to die, he asked me, “what about my warrant” I said I don't care, I'm dying, I'm bleeding to death, please just hold me. And he didn't. He ran. He left me there to die, because he was more concerned about going to jail then the fact that he was about to lose the so-called love of his life to drugs and gunfire. There was no time to waste. When I thought I was yelling at them to reverse reverse and get out of the alley, I wasn't yelling. I was dead. I was looking at myself in that vehicle trying to tell them how to get us to safety. I remember getting into the ambulance. I remember talking to the paramedics, and then nothing. I had coded. My heart stopped in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. And then I remember a nurse asking me for a family members phone number and I remember giving my mom's phone number and my sister's phone number. And then I forget some more.. My heart had stopped again. I was at. One last time and barely stabilize me and I remember hearing my mom's voice asking me what happened and I remember responding mom I got shot I got shot. Let's fast-forward 2 days I wake up trying to pull the breathing tube out of my throat I remember family member squeezing my hand, asking me if I could hear them and I squeezed. I squeeze really really hard and multiple times so that they could know I can hear them and that I was alive.

So let's backtrack a second so where I said that the words used to describe the feeling when I did that first line of heroin as God's kiss and why it disgusts me is because I know truly what God's kiss really feels like. It feels like opening your eyes to having your whole family standing around you thanking him for saving your life. Thanking him for getting you out of that alley and bringing you to safety. And it feels like being able to quit heroin cold turkey, in the Intensive Care Unit while you are urinating on yourself. God's kiss is being able to wake up everyday now for 4 years one month and 23 days sober and clean and not having to chase a high. God's kiss is being able to once again look in the mirror and recognize yourself. God's kiss is being able to be here and still hear the sound of your children's laughter even their screaming and their fighting, the little things like that that I used to take for granted. God's kiss is being able to feel your children's arms wrap around you, to hug you, or their little lips kissing you on the cheek and hearing them tell you how much they love you. God's kiss is being able to be 100% yourself around your family, around your friends, not having to hide the fact that you're high and not having to avoid them when you're sick. God's kiss is being given a second chance at life when you didn't feel that you deserved one. Although my addiction was short-lived, just 10 months, it doesn't justify anything as I previously stated. I was a monster. I had no strength. I wasn't happy. I wasn't me. I didn't exist. I am so blessed to be able to say that I am still here today and I'm not just existing. I don't try to numb any pain. I live my life through anything, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how bad it sucks that I had to go through what I did. That tragic moment in my life as tragic as it was saved my life. I will say it time and time again, if the drugs don't kill you, the lifestyle will. And to this day I could be really really bitter I could be really angry at the people who shot me.. But why for what? It doesn't fix anything, it doesn't undo any damage. So instead of sulking and crying about it, I decided to pick my head up. And it’s when I finally picked my head up, that I came to the realization that I may actually need to thank these guys. Because although they almost killed me, they also saved my life. If I wouldn't have taken those bullets that night, drugs would have taken me. And I am living proof that if you have the strength to take real bullets, then you can take anything life has to throw at you. You don't need drugs to numb the pain, you need pain. It is how you know you are alive. I've heard a lot of people say that fear has two meanings. You can fear everything and run.. You can face everything and you can rise. But I decided to come up with my own rendition of that, my own meaning of fear…

YOU CAN FEEL EVERYTHING AND YOU CAN RECOVER!!!. MY NAME IS KELLY AND THIS IS MY STORY AND I TRULY HOPE THAT ONE DAY I WILL INSPIRE SOMEBODY. I DON'T WANT ANYBODY AFRAID THAT IF THEY GO AND BUY DRUGS THEY COULD GET SHOT AND ALMOST DIE, I WANT MY INSPIRATION TO BE ABOUT STRENGTH AND ABOUT FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE. #sundayspotlight #facesofopioids #addiction #overdose

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