#3 year lagtime on experiencing suicidal depression

[metamatar]

unrebloggable personal rant post

I used to be a bit of a crybaby when I was a kid. I accept it. When anyone was mad at me the waterworks would instinctively start like I couldn't take anyone reaming me out bravely. My parents consistently accused me of crying crocodile tears, till the age of 8. That was around when I was being bullied by kids expressing their parents tamil brahmin supremacist politics on the nearest non tamil they could find bc indian private schools are like that (as a real indian socialist I def had a dravidian phase Mr. Freud explain this.) I don't remember when it started, but it stopped around then because I think my parents figured I was genuinely distressed. I wrote my first suicide note when I was in second grade as a bit of that'll show them fantasizing, but usually I was obedient and well mannered and frankly obsessive about getting good grades. My mother found a diary I wrote after reading Anne Frank in fourth grade and commented on how critically she was depicted once. I burned the diary and have not journalled succesfully since. I think compared to my teenage yrs it was mostly idyllic bc my parents never struggled to provide me meals or their version of love. Their is a very popular story in india from the buddhist panchtantra about a crocodile who eats monkey hearts that I heard basically a lot at storytime, bc like I said, I was loved. My dad loved it since the crocodile was so clever. I'm sure I probably asked for it. I loved Steve Irwin, because I loved watching nature channels as a kid. I would watch crocodile wrangling all day.

I couldn't do it then, but I can cry on demand now, and I still cry when someone's really lighting into me aggressively but nobody except bosses or parents do that in the real world. But nobody thinks I'm sensitive or affected by things bc I simply do not know when or how I simply turned into an ice block to cope with being a person instead. #LowEmpathySwag. I could've been different but I resent the opportunity to have never ever found out. And I smile at people and fake a laugh all the time to be polite, and I get annoyed and mad enough that people can read it on my face but I am always the last person to know and despite that everyone I keeps telling me I'm cold!!! And I'll never forgive them for this. I have to keep retelling this story to myself so I don't forget that I have the right to be angry about it.