#2022 really has me going through Something within the first week

[no-144444]

sweating- o.piastri

summary: oscar has been acting strange

pairing: oscar piastri x fem! Brown! reader

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Zak had been worried about Oscar for a while. The far-off looks in meetings, the silence at dinners, the constant stares he was getting, all of it. He’d even been so worried, that he came to you, and you’d told him that Oscar had been just fine at home, so it must be something to do with work. 

It was a strange thing, to be dating your boss’s daughter. Oscar had in fact fallen for you within seconds of meeting you back in 2022, his first visit to MTC, before everything else happened. You, a legal trainee on the McLaren legal team, was the one running him through his contract, and he was very thankful that his lawyer was there to ask questions, because he was just focused on you. As he joined the team, you two got closer. About half way through his rookie season, he finally plucked up the courage to ask you out, and you had said yes. What ensued was a few months of sneaking around until you finally told your dad, who supported you two, but from afar. He liked Oscar, would he have preferred you pick someone that wasn’t his driver, yes, very much so, but he didn’t have a say in your life. You were an adult and if you wanted to go get your heart broken by an F1 driver, that was up to you. The one thing Zak hadn’t accounted for was the fact that Oscar was a sweetheart who was genuinely head over heels for you. He saw it when you were in the paddock, how Oscar smiled a little brighter, how he made you a priority all weekend, how he performed better. 

So what the fuck was going on with Oscar now? 

Zak was worried that he was planning on breaking up with you, or maybe he was just going through some mental roadblocks at work, so he called him into his office. 

Oscar awkwardly took a seat across from him, waiting to be addressed. 

“Are you alright, Osc? You seem a bit… off lately,” Zak asked, nothing but concern in his voice. 

Oscar shook his head. “I’m fine,” he said, but even he knew it sounded wrong. This is really not how he wanted this to go. He was insured of Zak’s worry by the way his brows furrowed. “You can talk to me kid, you know that right? If it’s about Y/n or-”

“It’s not about Y/n,” Oscar assured him. “I’m alright, I promise.”

“Oscar, talk to me, I’m here for you. If you’re going through something-”

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask for your blessing!” he admitted, speaking far too loud and far too fast. Oscar looked up to see Zak’s face blank, his jaw slightly dropped. “I’m so sorry-”

“You have it,” he said. Now it was Oscar’s jaw that dropped. “Of course you have it,” Zak’s lips turned into a smile. “She adores you. You clearly adore her. I love you, my wife loves you, my sons love you. Of course you have my blessing.”

He took a deep breath and smiled. “Thank you,” he chuckled. “God, I was terrified.”

“You thought I’d say no?”

Oscar shrugged. “Maybe?” 

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Zak was very happy when he woke up to a call from the two of you, engaged, a few weeks later.

oscarpiastri

liked by pierregasly, zbrownceo, landonorris and 348,928 others

oscarpiastri: awesome season, can't wait to marry this girl though :)

comments

landonorris: OMFG YALL ARE YOUNGER THAN ME PLZ SLOW DOWN -> oscarpiastri: no more papaya rules 🤷

pierregalsy: too young -> kikagomez: bitch -> user92: lmao he's never said that before

zbrownceo: Congrats guys! Can't wait to walk you down the aisle!

charlesleclerc: MY SON IS GETTING MARRIED!!!!!! -> oscarpiastri: thank you adoptive father :)

user93: god she is GLOWING

user12: these are the cutest photos ever!!!!!!!

user8: THE RINGGGGG

lilymunihe: OMG I'M SO EXCITED!!!! ->youruser: OMG LOVE YOUUUUU

user98: they're so in love it's actually sickening

logansargeant: no ring picking creds? -> oscarpiastri: I don't think grimacing at every ring I chose was very helpful -> hattiepiastri: nah, but it was funny

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navigation for my blog :) (masterlist)

[euphorajeon]

trippin' over, gettin' lost on you | jjk (m)

— pairing: jk x f. reader

— genre: fluff, smut | college au, slight coffee shop au (?)

— word count: 12.4k

— warnings: pov change after the first part (its kinda obvious.. i hope), sleeveless jk, jealous jk, like really jealous, side character yoongi, cameo jimin and hoseok, they work tgt in a coffee shop, boxer!jk is back to his nature (he's boxing again, at last), cocky jk (but he's hot so its ok), usual banter between jk and oc, also banter between oc and jimin, mentions of cuts and bruises from boxing, references to the movie Real Steel, uhh what else i dont rmb anything else this thing is GIANT for me, smut in the form of: kissing, marking (hickeys), making out, an attempt at dirty talk, dry humping, cumming in pants, hint at unprotected penetrative sex at the end (don't do this!). [pls lmk if i missed smth]

— summary: a visit to the coffee shop you work at rewards jeongguk not only with a cup of coffee and a plate of brownie, but also with something else simmering deep in his veins. a challenge is issued, and all hell breaks loose.

— author's note: okay first of all full disclosure i started this in sept 2022 and just finished it today ^_^ i tried to edit it as best as i could, so if you see any mistakes, pls kindly... ignore... thank you... ^_^ that aside, i also feel the need to disclose that this is only my second time attempting to write smut so pls.. be kind.. hehe. okay! i hope you enjoy this absolute giant baby of mine!!

masterlist | boxer!gguk masterlist

There’s an advantage to knowing someone for years. Jeon Jeongguk can attest to this fact from first-hand experiences he’d had with you throughout the many years you both have known each other. He’s seen you cry after you almost drowned when you were ten and you’ve seen him throw up his breakfast after drinking skimmed milk when he was twelve, where both life-threatening experiences had been deemed not serious by young-you and young-Jeongguk who used both experiences as means to roast each other. (Though growing up, your hands automatically grabbed the whole milk carton when grocery shopping with him and he’s never let you go within a five-meter radius of a swimming pool without his supervision.)

Years of friendship with you has also given him the advantage of being familiar with your likes and dislikes, from trivial ones like how you don’t drink coffee because it upsets your stomach to more serious ones like the type of boys you would date in your teen years. He’s never had a problem with the former, instead using it as another mean to annoy you (“You can’t drink coffee? What are you? A child?”), but the latter had always bugged him for reasons unknown prior to his big epiphany a little over a year ago. (Spoiler alert: it was the first time he came home with piercings on his eyebrow and lower lip, when he tempted you into kissing him stupid.)

Now he’s confident that the type of a boy you’d date would be someone who is handsome, tall, has a great smile and tattooed bulging biceps on the side. Add a lip piercing (and a fake tongue one!) as well and he’s sure you’re never going to look at other boys ever again. If you do, well, he’d just make the piercing on his tongue a permanent one, even though that means he wouldn’t be able to kiss you for weeks after. But as said earlier, he’s confident that you only have eyes for him alone.

With that same confidence, Jeongguk struts through the glass door of the coffee shop you’re working at for the summer, going up to the counter with a grin painted on his features. Said grin goes unnoticed by you, though, as you’re busy taking the order of the person in front of him. His lips stay tilted upwards as he watches you work, writing the customer’s name on the cup with your big, round, cute handwriting. Only when you’re done taking the order and the customer’s cup has been given to your coworker do you notice his presence, eyes lighting up at the sight of him.

“Hi, what can I get you today?” you greet him in your customer-service voice and smile like you do any other customer that has come before him. Jeongguk gives you an amused smile, making you chuckle as you key in his order even before he says it himself. He eyes the small screen in front of him that displays his usual choice of beverage, making a sound to stop you from ringing him up.

“Actually,” he says when you hum in question, “could you add milk to that? Make it a latte?”

“You want a latte?” you emphasize the last word, making sure you didn’t hear him wrong. “Like, with milk and foam on top?”

“Uh-huh,” Jeongguk confirms, leaning his elbows on the counter to stare at you as you change his order from an americano to a latte. “Can I also order you on the side? Look too good not to be devoured,” he adds, a sleazy smirk on his lips.

You scrunch up your face at his innuendo, his words hard to believe when you’re wearing a murky brown apron and a matching cap on your head. “I’m adding a brownie,” you deadpan. “That would be seven dollars.”

“You don’t want anything?” Jeongguk asks as he straightens up, hand reaching for his wallet to take out his credit card. “No coffee though, babe.”

“Nope, I’m good,” you answer as you accept the card Jeongguk hands you, swiping it through the card reader. “Yoongi said I can try the new menu in large for free! I’m saving calories for that so no sugar allowed for now.”

His forehead creases upon hearing the new name. “Yoongi? Who’s Yoongi?”

“Him,” you tilt your head towards a mint-haired guy who’s busy making all the drinks, hands skillfully moving from one cup to another. It’s a wonder how he doesn’t spill even a drop of liquid. “I’ll introduce you later but now you have to move, there’s a line. Shoo.”

Jeongguk gives you a playful pout as a protest but complies with your request to move, sliding down to the pick up counter as you greet the next customer in line. There are two people lined up after him, barely a line like you made it sound like, but he figures because it’s an hour before closing that you consider any amount above one person a line. He also notices that you and the mint guy (Yoongi, was it?) are the only ones manning the counter, so it’s not like you have any spare time to deal with him given the amount of work that has to be done.

“An iced latte and brownie for Jeongguk!” Mint guy shouts as he slides the drink and dessert on the counter, lingering for a second when he sees Jeongguk’s hands reaching for his order. Mint guy’s gaze trails up his arms to his face, eyes meeting Jeongguk’s confused ones. Recognition bleeds into his cat-like eyes as his mouth forms into an O shape.

“Kiddo’s boyfriend?”

The low baritone of his voice is unexpected, though that’s not the only thing throwing Jeongguk for a loop. ‘Kiddo’? He has a nickname for you??

Mint guy—Yoongi!—doesn’t take his lack of response personally, instead opting to turn around and talk to you who have just finished taking orders from the customers. Jeongguk can’t hear what words you and Yoongi are throwing around, but from the way you glance at him, it looks like the mint-haired guy is just trying to confirm the answer to his two-worded question directed at Jeongguk earlier.

Your response to Yoongi’s inquiry makes the guy give you double pats on your cap-covered head, triggering a laugh to come out of both of you. While Yoongi’s laugh looks like he’s teasing you good-naturedly, yours looks like a shy one if the pink dusting your cheeks are any indication. It prompts a scowl to appear on Jeongguk’s handsome visage, furrowed brows and clenched jaw. It is not in your nature to get shy.

As much as he wants to stay rooted to the pick-up counter to keep you and Yoongi in his close watch, he has to move his ass somewhere less crowded to avoid getting eye-fucked by the girl next to him who has been staring at his tattoos for the past five minutes. Prior to dating you, anyone who displays interest in his tattoos would make pride swell in his chest, an ego-booster guaranteed to make his day a thousand times better. He used to subtly flex whenever he caught someone looking at his sleeve tattoos, an equally subtle wink on the side if that someone is a girl he found attractive. But after dating you, he realizes that the only attention he wants (and matters) is yours. Now anyone staring at his tattoos with the intention of flirting or getting in his pants just makes him shiver in disgust.

Though, in this particular instance, Jeongguk admits it’s his own fault by showing up to the coffee shop in a sleeveless shirt. It wasn’t intentional, he just grabbed anything within reach when he packed for the gym earlier in the day, but the way he left his hoodie in the car is definitely intentional. He thought he would give you a distraction surprise by baring his sleeve when you’re working, but you seemed unaffected even when he leaned on the counter to flex his muscles. Which is weird, considering you never missed any chance to ogle his inked bicep whenever he’s boxing.

As Jeongguk plops a small piece of brownie into his mouth, he just realizes that your roles are reversed now, with you doing your thing and him doing the staring. His eyes never leave your figure as you ring up three more customers since he sat down, transferring plastic cups onto Yoongi’s never-ending queue of orders. He watches as you take the last two cups by yourself, re-reading the order before moving to grab the ingredients needed for the drink. Your hands don’t work as fast as Yoongi’s, the muscle memory not yet settling in, but Jeongguk can tell that your help is appreciated by the way the mint guy smiles at you while patting your shoulder.

When the orders are all done, you go up to the glass door to flip the sign so it shows the Sorry, we’re closed! side. A glance at the clock tells him that it is thirty minutes until closing time, meaning thirty minutes until you can get out from behind the cashier and into his waiting arms. He hasn’t seen you all day today and all he wants to do is kiss you breathless the second you get rid of that horrendous apron and cap. Jeongguk starts counting down from the thirty-minute mark, hoping time would tick by faster.

Behind the counter, Yoongi is still busy making one more drink while refusing your offer to help. It’s weird seeing your kindness being offered to someone that isn’t him, but Jeongguk supposes this time it’s strictly work-related as he knows Yoongi has been making all the drinks (except the last two that you did) ever since he sat down with his order. Though, it seems like the drink in his hand is not an order at all, because he gives the plastic cup to you instead of putting it on the counter for a customer to take. There’s an almost childish grin on your face as you sip on the drink, eyes lighting up as you shoot Yoongi a thumbs up. After you exchange some more words with Yoongi, Jeongguk watches as you skip happily to his table with your drink in hand.

You place said drink next to his cup of latte on the table before your hand reaches for his drink to steal a sip. “I just have to clean up and wait for everyone to leave, then we’re good to go.” You steal two more sips of the latte just because you can.

“Okay, babe, but I still want my latte, you can put it down now,” Jeongguk chuckles, watching you do as he says with a guilty smile on your face. But then your hand takes the little spoon that came with the brownie to cut a sizable chunk from his half-eaten treat, quickly plopping it into your mouth. “Finish your brownie so I can take the plate away to wash it.”

“Are you just here to steal all of my food?” Jeongguk jokes, no menace behind his words as he reaches up to thumb away a stray piece of brownie from the corner of your lips. “And you said you didn’t want anything when I offered earlier.”

“I didn’t,” you confirm, “stealing from you is just too hard to resist.”

Jeongguk would’ve continued the banter if not for Yoongi calling your nickname from behind the counter, signalling for you to get back to your job.

“Boss calls,” you say, sneakily stuffing some more brownie into your mouth. “Should get back. Bye!”

“He’s your boss?” Jeongguk asks incredulously, glancing at the mint-haired guy who’s still busy moving around behind the counter. “That young guy is your boss??”

“Yeah, I’ll explain later,” you wave your hand dismissively, turning to leave. “Don’t steal my drink!”

In true Jeongguk fashion, of course he steals a sip from your drink. He does it just to be petty that you won’t explain anything about Yoongi, but he’s also curious what the new menu tastes like. He doesn’t remember seeing any banner for a new menu when he entered the shop earlier, so he’s guessing it hasn’t gone on sale yet.

He scrunches up his face the moment the drink touches his taste buds, tasting the bitterness of coffee among the layers of other flavors. It’s not as strong as the americano he usually has, but he can still feel it linger even after he swallowed the drink. Definitely not the type of drink you’d order on your own, though, so why were you so excited to try this new menu?

Looking around the shop, Jeongguk’s gaze falls on Yoongi. You did say he was your boss, didn’t you? Could it be that this free drink is just a plot to use you as a guinea pig for his experimental weird recipes, knowing that you can’t refuse your boss? Was that why he refused your help earlier? So he could make the drink taste as bizarre as it is right now?

His eyes continue following your and Yoongi’s figures behind the counter, squinting them in distaste whenever he sees you laughing at something the mint-haired guy said. Your smile, your lowered gaze, your shy demeanor, all remind him of a feeling he thought he had buried a long time ago—the same feeling he got whenever you got a boyfriend in your adolescent years. Suddenly, Jeongguk feels fifteen all over again—a clueless doe-eyed boy who donned t-shirts in every color of the rainbow every day of the week and strutted like he owned the school just so you can see that he was cool, only for you to deny him of a Sunday together.

Those years have become a core memory for him that it inspired him to get one of his tattoos: Rather be dead than cool, because he realized the way to your attention was not by being cool, it was by just being himself. (Yes, the ‘him’ who showed up unannounced at your doorstep after two years and ended the day with you on his lap stealing all the breath straight from his lungs.)

Anyways, all of that doesn’t matter because currently, your eyes are not on him but on your mint-haired boss who’s busy grinning while washing some equipment. Why are you both smiling so much around each other? Do you have some kind of inside joke that’s so funny you can’t stop laughing? What is so pleasing about Yoongi’s presence that you keep beaming at him?

Jeongguk chews the straw of your drink in anger, not realizing that he has inhaled almost half of the cup’s content despite claiming that he hates the taste. Sipping on your drink has become an afterthought as he was busy analyzing how wide your smiles are while working with Yoongi and how friendly the shoulder and head pats you give each other are. It’s sickening.

Eventually, everyone else in the coffee shop left and you’re in front of him once again to get rid of the brownie plate from his table, whining when you see the half-empty cup in Jeongguk’s hand even as you’re chewing the rest of his brownie in your mouth. Fair trade, he says as you walk away with the plate and spoon in hand.

Not even five minutes has passed since you left his table, yet Jeongguk feels tired of being patient, taking your and his coffee cups in each hand before coming up to the counter. It seems like Yoongi senses his presence, because he looks up from the calculator app on the tablet in front of him to give Jeongguk a curious glance. Their eyes meet for a split second before Jeongguk moves his gaze past Yoongi’s shoulder to you, who’s still busy wiping down the counter. A knowing smile curves on Yoongi’s lips.

“Hey, Kiddo,” Yoongi turns towards you, the nickname still irritating to Jeongguk’s ears. “I’ll finish closing up, you can go. Great work today.”

“No it’s okay, I can help you mop the floor after I’m finished with the counter.” You don’t even look up as you wave him off, oblivious to Jeongguk’s presence and his increasing impatience in front of your boss. He clears his throat comically loud, making you turn around to see a frown etched on your boyfriend’s face and Yoongi tilting his head towards him with a small, almost teasing smile on his face.

“Oh.” You pull your lips into a thin line. “Okay then. Sorry about him, Yoongi.”

“No worries, Kiddo.”

Yoongi’s nonchalant response is laced with a chuckle, which for some reason, upsets Jeongguk even more than the nickname he keeps calling you by. Is Yoongi not scared of him? Of his tattoos, of his muscles? Is he not intimidating? Can’t he feel the piercing stare Jeongguk keeps giving him ever since he walked into the coffee shop?

“You.” Your stern voice tears his hot gaze away from the mint-haired guy, whose focus is back on the calculator on his tablet to count the sales they made today. “I’ll clock out first then we can go. Please don’t do anything weird in the five minutes that I don’t have my eyes on you.”

Jeongguk follows your figure with his eyes until you disappear into the backroom, leaving him alone with Yoongi. Yoongi, the guy with the mint hair, whose surname he doesn’t even know, who is your boss that strangely have an endearing nickname for you. Things that stream steady questions into his head, about your initial meeting with Yoongi to the extent of your relationship with him. It’s the nickname he can’t seem to shake off of his mind, the way it rolls easily off Yoongi’s tongue, as if he’s been calling you that for years. Has he known you for years like Jeongguk has? Been through near-death experiences with you like Jeongguk has? Has he deserved the right to call you by a nickname like Jeongguk has?

“You can stop shooting daggers at my head, you know,” Yoongi’s low drawl almost makes Jeongguk think that he’s talking to himself, but the sentence is clearly directed at him. The older guy finally looks up from his tablet to look at Jeongguk in the eyes for longer than a second, no coffee orders to complete to interrupt their interaction this time. “Kiddo’s boyfriend, Jeongguk, right?”

As Jeongguk gives a nod to confirm Yoongi’s question, a hand is extended towards him to complete the introduction. “I’m Yoongi, Kiddo’s coworker-slash-boss.”

Jeongguk grips Yoongi’s hand with more strength than necessary, unintentionally flexing his muscles too. He thought that would be enough to tell Yoongi that Jeongguk is your boyfriend and he has no business being so friendly with you, but Yoongi only glances at his tattooed arm before letting go of his hand with a comment about how strong his grip is.

“Thanks, I do boxing,” Jeongguk mutters curtly, upset at the degree of nonchalance Yoongi is showing. He starts glancing at the door to the backroom where you currently are, wishing you would emerge right this second so he can go and doesn’t need to face Yoongi’s mint hair ever again.

“Yeah, Kiddo might have mentioned that a few times, just like she won’t shut up about your sleeve tattoos,” Yoongi says, going back to his tablet. “I used to box too, by the way.”

If you asked Jeongguk what Yoongi used to do, he wouldn’t be able to answer at all as he chooses to focus on the part where Yoongi said you won’t shut up about his sleeve tattoos and tune out the rest of his sentence. “My tattoos? What about them?”

“She said you have tons. Shoulder to fingertips. That’s how I recognized you when giving your order,” Yoongi answers lightly, which piqued Jeongguk’s interest even further. Wouldn’t it be fun to use this coworker-slash-boss of yours to get information about what you’ve been saying about him at work? What else does Yoongi know about him other than he does boxing and has a sleeve tattoo?

“Really? Does she gush about how hot they are to you, too?”

It’s not a question meant to be answered, its sole purpose to show off that you indeed gush to him about how hot his tattoos are. Though, if one thinks about it, why would Jeongguk need to boast to Yoongi about the compliments you give him about the strokes of ink on his arm? What business does Yoongi have knowing about it?

Yoongi seems to be unaware of Jeongguk’s inner dilemma as his face breaks out into a grin. “I think she’d be mad at me if I told you half the things she gushes to me about you.”

So you do gush about how hot his tattoos are to Yoongi. Interesting.

The fact that Yoongi insinuates there’s more to that is both endearing and terrifying to Jeongguk, because while he’s giddy that you talk about him with other people with so much enthusiasm, too much of it could end up in you sharing something about him that you should not have. Not to mention you’re sharing it with your boss, someone you should keep at an arm’s length when it comes to sharing about your significant others. One wrong move and he could use it against you.

Jeongguk is just about to ask Yoongi to elaborate further on his statement when you step out of the backroom, now out of the murky brown cap and apron and in a white t-shirt that looks like it belongs to Jeongguk. All thoughts of Yoongi knowing all sort of things about him evaporates right away, his mind focusing on how cute you look instead. If only Jeongguk doesn’t know basic human decency, he’d pull you by the waist to taste the mouth he’s been deprived of for the whole day, not giving an ounce of care about your boss watching the whole thing.

No, he’s a good boyfriend so he opts to pull you by the shoulders instead, letting your arms go around his waist before squeezing you in his arms. The kiss he drops on your cheek is chaste yet lingering, like he wants to let you know just how much he missed you. You tighten your arms around him in return, wordlessly saying the same thing back.

“Ready to go?” Jeongguk mumbles into your hair, not yet letting go of the hug.

“Ye—oh, wait!” You pull your face away from its initial position on Jeongguk’s chest. “You haven’t met Yoongi yet.”

“We did, Kiddo,” Yoongi waves you off. “You’re free to go. Your boyfriend here has been waiting long enough.”

“No,” you say, pulling away from Jeongguk’s hold. “I mean I haven’t introduced you two properly.” You gesture to the both of them back and forth as you say their names. “Yoongi, meet my boyfriend, Jeon Jeongguk. Jeongguk, meet my boss, Min Yoongi. His family owns this coffee shop.”

“That’s what you mean by proper?” Jeongguk says to you as he takes Yoongi’s hand for the second time that day, regular grip this time because you’re watching his every move like a hawk. “I didn’t know you own the shop. Nice place,” he nods to the older guy, releasing his hand.

“Thanks. It’s my dad’s, though. I just help from time to time,” Yoongi shrugs.

“You ‘just help from time to time’ but willing to dye your hair mint in honor of the new menu.” You nudge his elbow playfully. “Speaking of the new menu, did you finish the whole cup, Jeongguk? I’ve only had a few sips.” You frown as you bring the cup to your eye level, examining just how much of it is left. It’s an exaggeration, obviously, as the cup in your hand is still half-filled. But Jeongguk plays along, saying the reason why he inhaled your drink is because he’s tired from having just gone back from boxing.

“You have your own latte,” you point out, finally taking a much-deserved sip from your free drink. It still tastes okay, so you stop grilling Jeongguk about stealing your drink (even though you kinda stole his too, in the middle of your shift nonetheless.) “Oh, and did you know Yoongi also—”

Yoongi clears his throat loudly before you can finish your sentence. You look up from your drink, alarmed, afraid you might have said something wrong. Your eyes meet Yoongi’s and he gives you a tiny shake of his head, one Jeongguk doesn’t notice because he’s busy taking sips from his own cup of latte. (And because he’s more focused on you than Yoongi.)

“He knows, I told him I used to box too,” Yoongi says.

“You did? I didn’t catch it,” Jeongguk averts his eyes from you, turning to look at Yoongi. “Wanna have a match? I could use an opponent for my session tomorrow.”

“I said I used to, Kid,” Yoongi re-emphasizes on the two words. “I have a shoulder injury. It’s healing, but I still shouldn’t do too much to it.”

“Oh come on, I’ll go easy on you.”

“Jeongguk!” A slap lands on his bicep courtesy of you.

“What? He said it’s healing!”

It’s only now that Jeongguk witnesses the exchange between you and Yoongi using only your eyes, yours looking frantic while Yoongi’s looking as cool as a cucumber. Maybe he should dye his hair a shade of green resembling a cucumber rather than a mint.

After watching you and Yoongi have a silent conversation for a minute, Jeongguk lets out a sigh as he takes the final sip from his latte. “It’s okay, babe, I was just kidding. It’s fine if Yoongi doesn’t want to have a match with me.” He throws the empty cup into a trashcan nearby. “It just means that he backs down easily from a challenge.”

You physically face-palm at his sentence, missing the way Jeongguk throws a challenging smirk Yoongi’s way. The older doesn’t seem fazed at all, instead letting a small smirk take over his features as well. “That’s not a really nice thing to say to someone you’ve just met,” he drawls.

Jeongguk shrugs. “Just stating the truth.”

“Jeongguk, please stop,” you whine from behind your hands, still facepalming because you don’t want to become a witness in case this coffee shop becomes a crime scene.

“Alright, I’ll have a match with you,” Yoongi says finally, tone resolute. You peek out from the cocoon of your hands, glancing back and forth between your coworker-slash-boss and your boyfriend who are having a staring contest, both refusing to back down. “Tomorrow after my shift works? Kiddo here can take the same shift so she can watch us too.”

“Sure,” Jeongguk agrees without a pause. “It ends at three, right?”

“Yep.”

“Cool. See you then.”

Then Jeongguk puts his arm around your shoulders, pulling you away from the counter to finally go take you home as it’s the reason he came here in the first place. You hastily give your coworker a wave goodbye over your shoulder, getting a wave back accompanied with a laugh. Jeongguk uses the opportunity to steal yet another sip from your drink.

“Stop it! You’re gonna finish it all!”

“What even is it? It tastes really weird.” Jeongguk scrunches up his face.

“It’s mint mochaccino, you ass.” You pull the cup away from him, who chases the straw with his mouth while grinning wide. “Stop or I won’t kiss you until tomorrow morning.”

“Always withdrawing kisses when I need them the most,” he pouts, retreating from your drink to let you finally finish the cup yourself. “Can I kiss you in the car or should I wait until we get home?”

(Does not matter what you answer is, because he grips the back of your neck in the car to make out with you for five minutes, and then finish what he started in the safety of his room, under the blankets.)

“Are you sure you want to fight with Yoongi later?”

You and Jeongguk are back in his car, on the way to the coffee shop for you to start your shift and for Jeongguk to get his americano to kick off the day. His nod to your question is firm.

“Yeah. My coach said it’s good to train with an opponent sometimes.”

“You could’ve fought with your coach instead, then,” you point out.

“True, but—” Jeongguk tilts his head, sucking in a breath. “He’s the one who trained me, so he knows my fighting style and pattern. It’s good indeed, but it’s missing that element of fun.” He drums his fingers against the steering wheel. “Besides, I want to know what your Yoongi is made of.” He casts a glance at you to see your reaction.

“What ‘my’ Yoongi, what are you talking about …” You heave a sigh, massaging your temple. It’s not even 9 AM yet but you can already feel a headache coming. Sometimes you wonder why you’re willing to date this childhood friend of yours, knowing all of his flaws and bad habits like this. Though it’s given you the advantage of being able to read between the lines of his actions, often you wish he’d just say things outright without you having to dig it out of him.

“You know, the Yoongi you work with? The Yoongi who gives you head pats? The Yoongi who has a nickname for you?” Jeongguk’s tone gets more annoying near the end of his sentence, almost as if he’s trying to get a certain reaction out of you.

“The Yoongi who owns the cafe I work at, which is the sole source of income I have?” you reply instead, refusing to give in to Jeongguk’s silent provocation. “Also, the Yoongi who used to box. I think you should keep that in mind when you fight him later.”

“Yeah, yeah. Bet he wasn’t even that good.”

You manage to arrive at the cafe unscathed, only losing a tiny piece of sanity because your boyfriend couldn’t keep his mouth shut about Yoongi and his non-existent boxing skills (Jeongguk’s words, not yours.) It doesn’t help that the Yoongi in question is already standing behind the register, greeting you with a smile and throwing a lopsided smirk your boyfriend’s way. You don’t like the thick tension between them at all so you quickly slip into the backroom to let Jeongguk be a big boy for once and order his own americano for the day.

Stepping out of the backroom in your mandatory work apron and cap, you’re kind of relieved when you see the shop is still intact, not thrown upside down courtesy of your boyfriend and his inability to control his strength (and emotion) in the face of a threat (read: Yoongi.) Upon seeing you, Jeongguk pushes himself off the counter he’s leaning against before reaching for your waist despite your boss standing just a few feet away. The cup of americano on the counter tells you that you took too long in the breakroom, which if anyone asks, you’d justify with adjusting your work attire. In reality, you just don’t want to face your boyfriend and the sour look he has whenever he so much as glances at your boss.

“You can always cancel the fight with Yoongi, you know,” you murmur, biting your bottom lip in worry. “You could hurt him, he could hurt you … it’s not ideal.”

“Hmm.” Jeongguk purses his lips. “What’s not ideal is your boss having a nickname for you.” There he goes again, always having something to say about Yoongi. “Aside from it being highly unprofessional, it’s also inappropriate since you have a boyfriend and that is me. Jeon Jeongguk. I am your boyfriend.”

“Jeongguk, he knows,” you groan, fed up with the back-and-forth about this whole Yoongi thing. You don’t even know why your boyfriend is so threatened by the older guy when he’s a whole lifetime ahead of him. “It’s not even a nickname. You’re just seeing what you want to see.”

Jeongguk’s reply never makes it out of his mouth as he’s interrupted by Yoongi clearing his throat, making you both look at him tapping on his wrist to signal the time. It’s a reminder that you’re here to work, not to continue the argument that sparked in the car. Your boyfriend rolls his eyes at your boss, sharing a hard stare with him before deciding to do something one should not do in front of their boss: dip down to kiss you, using your surprised gasp as a way to slide his tongue inside your mouth. In the five seconds he manages to tangle his tongue with yours, you completely missed the sound of the glass doors opening and the low whistle that came after, along with Yoongi’s chuckle and greeting to the person who just came in.

Shoving Jeongguk away by your hand on his chest, you try to cover your burning face with your other hand as an attempt to save your dignity in front of Yoongi, though you doubt it’s working at all. Jeongguk licks his lips then winks at you, squeezing your waist in his grip before stepping back to grab his cup of americano, now full of condensation sliding off the plastic cup. He takes a sip to taste test before scrunching up his nose.

“Could’ve been better,” he sneers, making you glare. “Alright, I’ll let you get to work. See you later, babe.” Then, after a second, turns to Yoongi to add: “you too.”

When Jeongguk disappears into his car, you put your head in your hands and let out the loudest groan known to man. “I’m sorry, Yoongi.”

The mint-haired guy only gives you a gummy laugh, eyes turning into crescents as he shakes his head. “Your boyfriend is really something, Kiddo,” he muses. “A really … fun early morning entertainment, you could say.”

“Entertaining it was!” You hear the voice first before you see the person, the one who must’ve come in when you were rather preoccupied with your boyfriend. Park Jimin, your other coworker, slides behind the counter in a brown apron identical to yours and Yoongi’s, just minus the cap. Good, that means he doesn’t have a bad hair day today and can take the position at the register instead of you. You could use some more time to learn to make the drinks, anyway.

“Didn’t know you and your boyfriend were such exhibitionists, Kim,” Jimin taunts you, his eyebrows wiggling suggestively. “Although, if my boyfriend were that hot, I would have wanted to exhibit him too…” He purses his lips in an exaggerated manner of faux thinking, obviously trying to rile you up. “Lucky you, Kim.”

“Shut up, Park,” you seethe through your teeth, slapping him with a dish rag while he cackles happily. “We’re not exhibitionists. You just have terrible timing.”

“Oh, it was perfect I’d say, just in time to catch sight of his tongue going into your mouth—”

“JIMIN!”

When Jimin continues making fun of you by making gross kissing sounds, you turn to Yoongi for help. As the oldest amongst you three, he must have a sound solution to get Jimin to stop making those awful sounds and put you out of your misery. Although, your trust in him is probably misplaced as Yoongi just chuckles and tells you something your own mom would tell you whenever you’re telling on Jeongguk: “Just ignore him, Kiddo.” The sacred word of ignore. “Go prepare the breakfast pastries now.”

So much for sound solution.

You go about your shift as usual, with Jimin manning the register like you planned to. Time goes by quickly when you’re busy working (and when your coworker is Park Jimin) that you didn’t realize it’s almost time for your shift to end. You glance at the line in front of Jimin and see that there are still three more people he needs to serve, while you and Yoongi still have about five tickets to finish before you can clock out and leave. Scratch that, might be eight tickets to go considering the workers who have their shift after you aren’t here yet. It’s gonna be a while before you can see your boyfriend and be a witness to an unnecessary fight between him and Yoongi.

“Hey, Kim, where’s your boyfriend? Didn’t you say he was gonna pick you up from work?” Jimin nudges your elbow when he finishes taking one customer’s order, sliding a plastic cup into the queue in front of you. “I want to see just how hot he really is,” he continues while wiggling his eyebrows.

Before you can slap the guy with your dish rag again—it’s looking more like your weapon rather than a cleaning tool at this point—Yoongi pipes up from his position in front of the sink. “Just look for someone with a tattoo sleeve. He loves brandishing it.”

“Ooh, a hot guy with tattoos,” Jimin whistles. “Add some piercings and I might steal him away from you.”

“Jimin, quit drooling over my boyfriend,” you sigh, taking the next cup in line as your coworker turns back to the register. He’s already starting to greet the next customer when you decide to give him a taste of his own medicine, sliding next to him to brew the espresso needed for the order you’re making. “He has one on his lip, but he’s mine. Note that, Park,” you whisper to him while he’s keying in an order, earning a light chuckle from the man.

“He’s just messing with you, Kiddo, don’t mind him,” Yoongi chuckles from beside you, eyeing Jimin whose focus is currently on the cup he’s scribbling a customer’s name on. “He has his eyes set on someone else already.”

“Gossiping, aren’t we?” Jimin turns to you and Yoongi with a sleazy smile. “Careful now, unless you want Hoseok to know about your hot boyfriend too, Kim.” He gestures to the glass doors, where Hoseok from the next shift just walked through. He’s a great guy, but you’ve only shared a couple shifts with him, so you think you haven’t got to the point of sharing about significant others.

With the mention of Hoseok, you and Yoongi move to finish the orders you have left before handing over the shift to the aforementioned man. When all your orders are done and you’re ready to head to the backroom, you turn to ask Jimin to go with you only to find him still rooted in front of the register. “Jimin, you’re not going?”

“Oh, I’m actually covering for Eunbi.” Jimin shrugs, sliding a cup into Hoseok’s line of orders. “Go, Kim. Have fun with your boyfriend,” he grins, sending you a teasing wink.

Hoseok, a clueless witness, looks at the both of you with a scandalous stare. “What, what, what did I miss? Why are you winking like that, Park Jimin?” he says, urging Jimin to elaborate while pouring drinks into a plastic cup.

“You should ask her, Hobi,” Jimin snickers into his hand as he turns to greet a customer. Hoseok turns to you, his expression hopeful that you will shed light on the reason behind Jimin’s wink.

“My boyfriend is about to fight with our boss and I don’t know how to talk him out of it,” you say through your teeth, giving an overly-sweet smile to a confused Hoseok. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to meet him and make sure he’s not gonna bite Yoongi’s head off.”

“Bye, Kim,” Jimin sing-songs, waving his hand to you. “Say hi to your boyfriend for me!”

You’re already walking away, turning to tell Jimin off when you bump into Yoongi who’s just came out of the backroom, void of his work apron and ready to go. He grabs your shoulders to turn you around, pushing you into the backroom to prevent anymore banter between you and Jimin. “Let it go, Kiddo.”

In the backroom, you catch a text from Jeongguk saying that he’s already in the coffee shop, ready to go when you are. You emerge from the room after clocking out, moving your feet to the dining area of the cafe while waving to Jimin and Hoseok behind the counter. Scanning the room, you search for a familiar mop of black hair that belongs to your boyfriend.

It’s easy to spot Yoongi’s mint hair amongst the sea of other natural-colored hairs. What’s not easy is believing your eyes when you see the person sitting in front of Yoongi waving wildly at you, grinning like a mad man. It’s your boyfriend, the person you’re supposed to see after work, the person you’re supposed to supervise when he fights your boss later, alright, that part you know. The part that you don’t know and have a hard time believing is:

Jeongguk’s hair is mint.

Not black, not brown, not the experimental half-half he tried in high school. Mint.

The exact same shade as Yoongi’s.

It feels like you’re on autopilot when your feet carry you to their table, jaw on the floor while your eyes are stuck on Jeongguk’s freshly-dyed strands.

“Hi, babe,” your boyfriend has the audacity to say, lips stretching impossibly wider. He reaches up to run his fingers through his mint hair, an act so deliberate even Yoongi sighs at the sight of it, but it makes your heart skip a bit nonetheless. “Do you like my new hair?”

The light green strands previously tangled with his fingers fall back to cover his forehead and frame his face perfectly, the light hue somehow blending well with Jeongguk’s skin tone. It also accentuates his jaw more, making it appear sharper when the grin on his lips morphs into a smirk once he notices that you can’t stop staring. Oh, that smirk. Usually hot with his previously black hair, it is now lethal with his mint hair, toeing the line of playful and dangerous at the same time.

You want to scream at the obvious and cheesy question.

Yoongi, the third person who’s been watching the entire interaction unfold before his eyes, clears his throat. “If you’re done eye-fucking your boyfriend, can we go now? I have somewhere else to be after this.”

“Yoongi!” you whisper-shout, half scandalized, half disbelieving that your boss can say something so crude in the middle of his own buzzing coffee shop. Maybe he’s been hanging out with Park Jimin too much. (Or maybe he’s just sick of you drooling over your boyfriend time and time again … yeah, maybe that.)

“Can’t wait to lose to me, Min?” Jeongguk snickers, taking your hand in his as he follows Yoongi—who pointedly ignores his taunting question—towards the glass door of the coffee shop.

You catch Jimin’s eyes as you’re stepping out, his eyes rounding in surprise before a sly smile takes over his features. Have fun! he mouths, giving you a wink. Ugh, you’re gonna face a lot more questions the next time you have a shift together with him.

After another futile attempt at talking Jeongguk out of fighting with Yoongi, you’re seated where you usually are, on the sidelines of Jeongguk’s gym, this time with heightened anxiety out of fear that your boyfriend and your boss could hurt each other. You’re worried less about the physical part—boxing is a very physical sport, after all—and more about the mental part.

Boys are full of pride, full of ego. They pride themselves on their ability to box, delivering punch after punch until their knuckles bruise. They pride themselves on their muscles, bulging biceps that took years to build and maintain. They pride themselves on their strength, how they are able to hold you up against the wall when you’re busy sucking air off each other’s lungs.

Oh, and in case it’s not clear, by boys you mean Jeongguk.

You have a lot of faith in your boyfriend, of course, but knowing Yoongi’s boxing skills, no matter how long ago it was, the outcome of the fight today could just be the one that would hurt Jeongguk’s pride. The possibility of it happening is so high that you’re already preparing yourself for when Jeongguk comes back to you with his ego bruised. God, you can only hope Yoongi won’t hit too hard.

You’re too busy thinking of the many possible outcomes of this fight that you don’t realize when Jeongguk is back from putting his gloves on and warming up, now standing in front of you. “Wish me luck?” he says, along with a toothy grin your way.

“Yeah, good luck, Ggukie,” you reply, lacking your usual sarcastic bite. Jeongguk seems to pay no mind to it, though, ducking down to peck your lips before turning around to face his opponent for the day.

You catch Yoongi’s eyes when Jeongguk has his back to you, quickly mouthing don’t hurt him! to your boss, which he only responds with a smirk. All the blood drains from your face. Looks like your worries about someone getting his ego bruised won’t be just worries after all.

When the fight has started (Jeongguk’s coach started it—you’re grateful he’s there because then you don’t have to worry too much about Jeongguk and Yoongi beating each other to a pulp), you can’t help but watch. You just realize, in the years you’ve known Jeongguk and watched him box, you’ve never actually seen him fight anyone else other than his coach. He’s said before that he only took boxing as a way to work out, not to actually fight, so you guess that makes sense.

You don’t watch boxing matches a lot (actually, you don’t watch them at all), your only knowledge of boxing you get from watching Real Steel, a movie about boxing matches for robots, set in the far future when human boxing is not interesting anymore due to the limited brutality. You’re not sure how much information you retained from the movie, and how accurate they are, but you’re pretty sure you don’t need much boxing knowledge to know that right now, Yoongi is playing defensive while Jeongguk is playing offensive.

Alright, you admit, you have no idea if the terms you’re using are right, but it’s the simplest ones you can use to describe the sight in front of you. Since the start of the fight, Jeongguk has been throwing punches continuously, while Yoongi has had his gloved hands covering his face the entire time. Okay, not the entire time, but he’s only thrown one punch compared to Jeongguk’s one hundred ones.

As the fight goes on, Yoongi starts throwing punches here and there while still dodging Jeongguk’s aggressive fists. You’ve never seen Yoongi move this much in the entire time you’ve known him, and it surprises you how agile he is. The way he ducks under Jeongguk’s arm and throws him off balance is admirable, sometimes a little bit funny (just a bit, you promise) because it shows just how calm he is compared to Jeongguk’s aggressive, almost-angry boxing style.

When Jeongguk’s coach declares a break, your boyfriend walks back to you with his brows furrowed, tearing off one of his gloves so he can remove his mouth guard and grab his water bottle. After chugging down half of its content, Jeongguk heaves a frustrated sigh.

“I can’t grasp his fighting style,” he grumbles to himself. His eyes are set on Yoongi, who’s on the other side of the room, drinking from his own water bottle. “Who the fuck ducks all the time while boxing?”

“Maybe it’s because you keep throwing angry punches at him, babe,” you say, initially to keep his frustration at bay, but instead it makes him raise his eyebrow at you in a duh way. You backtrack immediately. “Okay, okay. But it’s just your first time fighting him, isn’t it? Be patient, Jeongguk, and maybe let up your punches a little bit?”

“Baby, it’s boxing,” he says exasperatedly. “Someone has to throw some punches.”

“I know, but you just seem so … angry. Yoongi’s only ducking to dodge that. I’m saying maybe you can tone it down so he could stop dodging, so then you can see his fighting style better.” You’re saying this while gripping his biceps, hoping your words can go through his seemingly-clouded mind. “When you see his fighting style, won’t it be easier to figure out a way you can beat him? Isn’t that what you taunted him with at the cafe?”

You know it’s not even remotely possible to learn one’s boxing style just from a single fight, let alone “figure out a way to beat him”. Somewhere in his fogged mind, you believe Jeongguk stores this fact as well, he’s just currently too deep in frustration to place it in the front of his mind. You’re not even sure your suggestion to learn Yoongi’s fighting style is registered well in his head, considering your boyfriend is now back to eyeing your boss with fire in his gaze.

“Jeongguk?” You give his shoulder a firm grip as he puts his mouth guard back on. “Tone it down. Yoongi could just be waiting to punch back. You don’t want that.”

Jeongguk parts ways with you with an absent-minded nod and two pats to your head with his heavy gloved-hand. On the other side of the room, Yoongi looks ready to go back into his fighting stance. You sigh internally. Jeongguk is so going to punch him aggressively, again.

The next thirty minutes of the fight goes like a blur in front of your eyes. Jeongguk throws a hook that Yoongi dodges, Yoongi retaliates with a jab to Jeongguk’s side which makes you wince, rinse and repeat. Maybe you’re wrong about your boyfriend for once, you think, seeing his calmer fighting style now. With the way he left your conversation minutes prior, you really thought he was gonna continue raining punches on any part of Yoongi’s body he could reach. You’re relieved that that’s not the case.

Although, perhaps your relief came too soon because a boxing match isn’t over until it’s over.

Watching Jeongguk fight with Yoongi is like watching a cartoon character with an energy meter atop his head, except for Jeongguk, it measures his patience instead. As the minutes went on, you feel like you could see the patience meter above his head depleting until it’s all gone, and that’s the moment he went back to his initial fighting style: aggressive and angry. You almost pull your hair out in frustration because you just know that this is what Yoongi has been waiting for ever since the fight started.

The next thing that happens reminds you a lot of one fighting scene in Real Steel, where Atom was waiting for his opponent to run out of energy so he can fight back. In the movie, Atom knocked the other robot down with a final uppercut, gaining him a win and advancing him to the next round. Well, uh, in this case, just replace Atom with Yoongi and the other robot with Jeongguk.

Yoongi’s clean uppercut wiped your boyfriend out, who’s now lying on the ground clutching his face—which you’re sure is beginning to swell right now. Despite already knocking Jeongguk down, Yoongi is still in his fighting stance, never lowering his guard even as Jeongguk’s coach counts to ten. Your boyfriend remains immobile, though, and the second the count is up you’re running towards Jeongguk’s limp body.

“Gguk, are you okay? Baby, look at me,” you say hurriedly as you try to pry his arms away from his face. He doesn’t budge, and for a second, you’re scared that Yoongi has maimed your boyfriend for life. “At least let me know you’re alive,” you continue when his silence becomes concerning.

“Hmmph,” Jeongguk grunts. You heave a huge sigh of relief.

“Okay, good.” You run your fingers through his sweaty hair, trying to offer some comfort even though you know he had this coming. Gigantic ego, big talk, cocky as shit? Yeah, you understand that Yoongi would want to knock him down a few pegs. But now is not the time to launch into an ‘I told you so’ spiel, not when Jeongguk is still freshly bruised—both his body and his ego.

So instead, you lash out at your boss.

“I told you not to hurt him, Yoongi,” you snap-slash-whine, a frown on your lips. You thought, as the oldest among all of you, Yoongi could be trusted to knock some sense into Jeongguk’s mind without physically hurting him like this. As it turns out, all boys are the same.

The older guy just shrugs. “Probably wouldn’t get my point across if he weren’t knocked down.” He shakes the sweat out of his hair as he starts taking off his boxing gloves. When he sees you’re not impressed, he chuckles. “Relax, Kiddo, I didn’t even hit him that hard. He’ll be okay.”

“Really, Yoongi?” You roll your eyes. “You gave my boyfriend an uppercut just to prove a point!”

Yoongi just continues laughing as he chugs from his water bottle. His nonchalance about this is starting to piss you off. Maybe it’s your turn to put on the boxing gloves and sock him in the face, give him a taste of his own medicine. You scoff to yourself, picturing your own body lying next to Jeongguk if you really did that.

“Just tell your boyfriend here that there’s no need to be jealous of me, Kiddo,” Yoongi says, picking up his bag. Just then, Jeongguk’s coach appears with an ice pack in his hand, offering it to you so you can place it against Jeongguk’s swollen jaw. Despite your attempt to coax him out of his arm cocoon, he still refuses to move.

“Yoongi, look at him, you really broke him.” You’re flat-out whining now, kicking your feet like a child. It doesn’t even occur to your mind that you’re all still in the middle of a public boxing gym, with other people around you, being witness to this ridiculous scene.

“Oh my God,” Yoongi laughs before crouching down at Jeongguk’s legs. “Hey, Jeongguk, you hear that? Your girlfriend is worried about you,” he says, nudging Jeongguk’s leg lightly. “She only has eyes for you and your tattoos, too, you don’t need to be jealous at all.” You smack him on the shoulder for that.

Jeongguk finally removes his arms from his face at Yoongi’s words, his doe eyes menacing. “Go away,” he grits out at the older male, his scratchy voice making him sound less threatening than he intended. Despite that, Yoongi still holds his hands up in surrender.

“I’m going, I’m going,” Yoongi relents, standing up while adjusting the hold he has on his bag. “Was gonna go anyway, I have a date to get ready for,” he throws a grin your way. “Alright, I’ll be going first. Take care of your boyfriend, Kiddo.”

Yoongi retreats with a wave towards you both.

Jeongguk lets out a groan, shifting your attention away from your boss who’s already backing his car out of the parking lot. “Quit your job tomorrow,” he says. “I hate your boss.”

“Stop moving around!”

“It hurts!”

You’re both back at Jeongguk’s house now, with you sitting atop his outstretched legs on the bed, attempting to take care of his battle wounds courtesy of his fight with Yoongi. Aside from the swollen jaw, Jeongguk has a cut on his eyebrow and a split bottom lip. For a boxing match, you’d say these are minor injuries—proving Yoongi’s words right, he didn’t hit Jeongguk that hard—but your boyfriend is acting like a baby. He keeps jerking his head away every time the alcohol swab comes in contact with either of his cuts, it irritates you to no end.

“You have a goddamn full sleeve of tattoo and a lip piercing, quit acting like this hurts more,” you hiss, pressing the cotton in your hand to the cut on his lip as Jeongguk hiss back in response.

“At least when I got my tattoos and piercing, the artist didn’t do it while yapping my ear off,” he lisps through the cotton. “What happened to the caring girlfriend at the gym? Did she go away too, alongside Yoongi?”

“Oh, shut up, if I yapped back there Yoongi would’ve stomped on your ego more than he already did, do you want that, Jeongguk? Huh?” Your words are harsh, but you try hard for your hands to be the opposite, gentle as they cover the cut on his eyebrow with a band-aid. Jeongguk’s forehead is still damp from his quick shower earlier, beads of mint clinging to his skin. He might look smoking hot with his newly dyed hair, but the way the color rubs off on anything is starting to get onto your nerves. You wipe lightly at the color to make sure the band-aid sticks to his skin and does not come off the second he jumps around again.

“My ego is fine, you don’t need to protect it like this,” Jeongguk grumbles, adjusting the ice pack he’s holding to his jaw as you press a new cotton ball on his lip, discarding the one stained crimson red to his bedside table. “Maybe if you care about me as much as you care about my ego, everything would’ve been better.”

The way he’s rambling like he got his sense knocked out of his head as well makes you roll your eyes to the back of your head. “Don’t test me, Jeon. If I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t be here sitting on your thighs patching your minuscule injuries like they’re fucking wounds from a war.”

“Maybe,” Jeongguk half-agrees, a pout on his lips. “But you haven’t kissed me even once ever since the fight ended. Do I not deserve a kiss because I lost? Do you not want to kiss me ever again because I can’t beat Yoongi in boxing? Do you think Yoongi is way better than me now? Do you want him to be your boyfriend instead of me?”

With every nonsensical question, his pout deepens, and his eyes droop to stare blankly at nothing.

“Hah, ‘my ego is fine’ my ass,” you mumble, mostly to yourself as you turn the gears in your head on how to stop the bleeding on Jeongguk’s lip. It keeps gushing out blood, and you can’t exactly stick a band-aid to it like you did his eyebrow. At last, you just hold a cotton ball against it and hope it stops bleeding soon.

“Yoongi was right, you know,” you say clearly now, the tumble of Yoongi’s name out of your lips making Jeongguk glance up and focus his sight on your face. “You don’t need to be jealous of him at all. Heck, you don’t need to be jealous of anyone, Jeongguk. I’m your girlfriend and will always stay your girlfriend, no matter what. You don’t need to beat anyone in boxing or dye your hair the exact same shade as anyone for me to stay. You, Jeon Jeongguk, are enough.”

Jeongguk’s eyes, gazing into yours, are glassy with unshed tears. You don’t know if they are there because he’s touched by your words or are leftovers from crying over his bruised ego from the fight with Yoongi. Either way, it throws you off balance. Next thing you know, you’re being tugged down by the nape for a kiss.

Jeongguk’s lips are warm, like usual, but the tinge of metal you taste on your tongue is making you worry. Before you lose yourself in his kiss, you pull away to thumb at his lip lightly, seeing streaks of red on your skin. You’re about to continue pressing the cotton ball in your hand to his lips and stop all forms of kissing immediately, but your boyfriend has a mind of his own as he instead sucks your thumb into his mouth, wrapping his lips around the digit delicately as he holds eye contact with you.

Gone is the trace of any tears from his eyes, now replaced by something you can only identify as lust. As flattered as you are that Jeongguk finds you desirable in your current situation, it also makes you confused. He’s hurt and the only thing in his mind is getting his dick wet? Unbelievable.

The ice-cold feeling on your waist tears your attention away from Jeongguk’s dark eyes as you yelp, hand instinctively prying the cold thing away. The ‘thing’ turns out to be his hand, which was previously holding the ice pack to his swollen jaw. He’s sneaked his fucking cold hand under your shirt to hold your waist when he should’ve kept holding the ice pack to his jaw—his swollen jaw!

Your boyfriend has a swollen jaw, a busted lip and a cut eyebrow. This is not the time to be screwing around.

Pulling away your thumb out of Jeongguk’s mouth at the speed of light, you attempt to climb off his lap, but he’s read your mind even before they are conjured up in your own brain. His hands are back on your waist—yes, the cold one too—and they hold you firm in place. The side of Jeongguk’s lips turn up into a sickeningly sweet smile, before he tugs your body towards his, making your hips come in contact with his crotch. He’s hard. Oh, fuck.

“You know, I never really understood why you’re so bratty whenever you’re horny and I can’t tend to you right away, but I think I get it now,” he says right by your ear, making a shiver run down your spine. “I’ve been trying to will away my boner ever since you sat on my lap, but your weight on it is so damn distracting, it’s hard.”

“So,” he punctuates the word with a kiss on your neck, “I started saying anything to get my mind off it, but the way you care for me just … turns me on even more, if that was even possible.” He noses his way down your throat, coming to a stop at your collarbone. “And then all that talk about how I am enough … holy shit, I lost it. All I could think about was how I want to kiss you and fuck you into next week on this very bed.”

You can barely hear the last few words Jeongguk is saying, because he’s mumbling them into your skin as he peppers kisses and nips there. His fingers are now pressing into your back, pulling you closer and closer to him until there is no space left between you. You crane your neck so he can have more room to splash reds and purples onto your skin, sighing to the top of his mint head.

“You know, for someone claiming to be horny, you’re doing a terrible job at dirty talk,” you jab at your boyfriend, earning you a bite on your neck and a tightened grip on your body, making you close your eyes with stuttered breath.

“Easy, babe,” Jeongguk chuckles. “You talk as if you won’t be a moaning mess by the end of this,” he continues with much confidence. “But also, my lip is still kinda bleeding and my sides are still throbbing from the bruises. Kinda debating should we continue or just go to sleep.”

“Jeon Jeongguk I swear to God if you leave me high and dry—”

“Maybe you should kiss them better,” he cuts you off with a suggestion, his lips still trailing butterfly kisses on your neck and collarbone. The hands still on your back sneakily climb up and up until they’re reaching for the clasp of your bra, easily opening it to free your breasts from its confines. Your sound of protest gets stuck in your throat as a strangled moan comes out instead when Jeongguk massages your breasts tenderly with his fingers.

“Maybe I would—fuck—if you get rid of your shirt,” you say, tugging on the offending piece of fabric still covering your boyfriend’s gorgeous body. It’s not fair that he’s got you half naked already and he’s still fully clothed.

Jeongguk parts himself from your body long enough to tug his t-shirt off from the back of his neck in one smooth motion, exposing the golden expanse of his skin to your hungry eyes. If you thought his mint hair was smoking hot with his shirt on, it’s literally burning a flame of desire deep in your belly with his shirt off. You’re tongue-tied as you marvel at the sight in front of you, you almost jump when your own shirt and bra are taken off your body.

Now both bare from the waist up, Jeongguk wastes no time leaning back in for a kiss on the mouth, this time open-mouthed so he can slide his tongue inside. You keen happily, slipping a sigh in between as he slowly lowers you to the bed. Jeongguk anchors his hands on your hips, teasing at the waistband of your sweatpants as he keeps your mouth busy with his own. In contrast, your hands are everywhere, from his broad shoulder to his firm back, from his bulging biceps to his rock-hard abs. You even tease your fingers past his waistband, grabbing onto his ass and squeezing, making him groan hotly into your mouth. It’s only when your fingers brush against his sides that he winces, reminding you of his earlier request.

“Flip around,” you whisper against his lips, “so I can kiss your bruises better.”

“Hmm?” Jeongguk hums, your words a murmur in his head. “But I like having you like this. Under me, naked, panting, wet,” he says, slipping his hand beyond your sweatpants to prove his words right—you’ve soaked through your panties. He drags a finger slowly up your center. You shudder.

“Yeah? I can be naked, panting, and wet on top of you as well.”

“Ooh, tempting.” Jeongguk licks his lips. He flicks your clit with a cheeky smile dancing on his lips, before settling his hands back on your waist. “Alright, I’ll flip over.”

The next second, you’re staring at him from up top, admiring how his mint hair looks against his dark grey bed sheets. Although, his hair is the least of your concern right now, as you’re tugged back down for another bruising kiss. Now that you’re on top, Jeongguk takes the opportunity to return the favor that is slipping his hand into your pants to squeeze your ass, but his version involves pulling your hips down while his thrusts up, creating a delicious friction between your body that makes you exhale a moan into his mouth.

You move away from his lips, down to his jaw where you take care to land a kiss light as a feather, before moving to his neck and collarbone where you have your own share of bites and licks. Aside from your infatuation with his tattoos and biceps, you actually have another one with his collarbone, this one you keep secret from him lest he goes around the house shirtless more often just to brandish his clavicle. But maybe he’s already noticed from the way you always make sure to cover that body part of his in blooms of red and purple, taking care to trace each and every bite mark slowly with the tip of your tongue.

While you’re busy with his collarbone, Jeongguk keeps dragging your crotch steadily over his, like he can’t get enough of the feeling and wants to keep chasing it. The delicious pressure on your center is a bit distracting, so you smooth your palm across his chest to pinch at his nipple in warning. Jeongguk lets out a broken whine from his throat.

“Stop humping into me, do you want to cream your pants?” you chide, fingers still giving tiny pinches to his nipple to keep him on his toes.

“Was trying to get you to cream your pants,” Jeongguk grins guiltily, his hips snapping up yet again to collide with yours. Even if you roll your eyes at his antics, you still continue your journey of kissing down his body, making sure to suck and lick on his sensitive nipples. You love the moans and groans that slip out of his throat every time you do things to his nipples. He likes it so much that his hips keep chanting up, searching for friction, that you have to pin them down so you can slide down to pepper kisses on his abs and waist.

Jeongguk works really hard to maintain the body he has, clearly evident in the eight pack he’s sporting on his stomach and the tiny, minuscule waist that’s way too slutty for a man to have. Sometimes you’re jealous of how nice his body looks, how firm it is to touch. You told him this one time, along with your regret that you couldn’t give him a similar experience, but he’d only laughed and said that admiring and appreciating him was enough, before proceeding to show you how he admires and appreciates your soft body (he kept biting into your inner thigh as he was eating you out, coaxing you into four orgasms back to back that day.)

And so, you admire his body by kissing the taut muscle one by one, tracing the lines outlining them with your hot tongue, caressing his bruised waist with the pillow of your lips and the feather of your touch. You know he’s hurt, but you can’t hold yourself from nipping on his slutty waist, gifting him another bruise that’s not a result of a punch. From the choked sob that rips out of his throat and the jump of his dick somewhere on your stomach, you take it he likes the bite.

“So,” you say as you mouth at the seam of his waistband, hand massaging his hard cock through his pants. “Do you want to cum in your pants, in my hand, in my mouth, or—?”

“Fuck, in you, please,” Jeongguk begs, eyes glassy from your ministrations. “But can we go back to dry humping for a while? Kinda like the friction on my sweatpants,” he breathes.

“Like this?” You move your hand up and down his cock, dragging the material of his sweatpants with it, paying special attention to the head. With every rub of the sweatpants against his head, a bead of precum comes out, with Jeongguk throwing his head back in silent pleasure. “Yeah, fuuck, that feels good.”

“But babe, want you, on top,” he demands, making grabby hands at you. “Was serious when I said I wanted you to cum first,” he continues, sighs in content when you oblige, resuming your position on top of him and lining your clothed crotch with his. He starts dragging your hips against his, building the pleasure up the faster he goes. “Want to fuck your swollen pussy, dripping with cum. Oh, I’ll slide right in, no problem, so wet, warm … fuuuck.”

The grip Jeongguk has on your hips is bruising, you have no choice but to let your body be manhandled by him. Slowly but surely, the band inside your stomach begins to tighten as your hold on his shoulders does as well. You’re so close, just one more move to tip you over the edge. When Jeongguk sucks one of your nipples into his mouth, the band inside you snaps and you come with a jerk of your hips and a whine from your throat.

Jeongguk slows down his move, taking care not to cum before being inside you, before stopping altogether and wrapping his arms around you to bring the both of you into a sitting position. Your limbs feel like jelly, still trying to come down from your high, when Jeongguk pecks your cheek before carefully lying you back down on the bed with your face down. He then maneuvers himself behind you, lifting your hips off the bed. You’re starting to have an idea what position he wants you in when he spreads your knees and slowly peels back your pants and panties to reveal your bare ass and pussy.

He takes his time caressing the globe of your ass, inching his fingers towards your pussy lips before spreading them apart, tearing a low whine from your chest. You guess he’s admiring the way cum still drips out of your cunt, because he’s silent, immobile for almost a minute.

“Gguk…” you whisper out. “You gonna fuck me or not?”

Jeongguk scrambles to get his pants off. “Fuck, yes, of course, baby, you just look so beautiful like this, I want to stare all day long,” he breathes, lining up his dick with your entrance.

God, I’m so thankful you’re mine, is his last warning before he slides home in one thrust.

Later, when you’re both freshly showered and cuddling on Jeongguk’s bed—with blue bed sheets this time, because you forced him to change the sheets as the grey ones smelled gross after your activities—you ask him a question.

“Are you still jealous of Yoongi?”

There’s a three second pause before Jeongguk’s answer comes. “Maybe a tiny bit,” he says, nearly connecting his thumb and forefinger together in a ‘tiny’ motion. “Of his boxing skills only. Amazing how he could still move like that with an injured shoulder. I want to be like that too.”

“You want to injure your shoulder?”

He gives you a flat look. You giggle.

“His shoulder is actually healed, you know, so he’s still actively boxing until now. He trains the boxing club at my campus whenever our coach can't, that’s where I know him from and how I’d gotten the job at his cafe.”

Jeongguk purses his lips. “So he lied to me.”

“Hmm,” you agree. “I figured it was to ‘teach you a lesson’, that’s why I asked him not to hurt you before your fight. Did you, though? Learn your lesson?”

“What? To not be jealous of him?”

You pinch his waist. “To knock your ego down a peg and stop feeling insecure whenever I interact with other men?”

“Baby, the guy had a nickname for you. My insecurities were valid!”

“You mean the ‘Kiddo’ one?” you ask. Jeongguk nods. “He calls Jimin Kiddo. He calls Eunbi Kiddo. He calls you Kiddo. He calls everyone younger than him, Kiddo.”

More silence ensues.

“So … my jealousy was for nothing?”

“Yes! What I’ve been saying!”

Jeongguk giggles. Then he kisses you. Then he giggles again, while still kissing you.

“How about an apology?” he offers.

“In what form?” you challenge.

“Round three?”

“No.”

Well, at least he’s not jealous anymore.

a/n: thank you for reading!! please let me know what you think of this, i literally almost cried in the process of writing it and when i finally finished it :') and yes this started because of that one mint jeongguk in memories 2020/2021, i think? the one with him in a black sleeveless and a pair of sunglasses, hahah. wish he'd dye his hair mint again (he looks rly good in it ugh)

→ request is open for my 1k folls celebration!

[afeelgoodblog]

The Best News of Last Week

⚡ - Goodbye Fossil Fuels, Hello Renewables: The Energizing News You Need

1. Fungi discovered that can eat plastic in just 140 days

Australian scientists have successfully used backyard mould to break down one of the world's most stubborn plastics — a discovery they hope could ease the burden of the global recycling crisis within years. 

It took 90 days for the fungi to degrade 27 per cent of the plastic tested, and about 140 days to completely break it down, after the samples were exposed to ultraviolet rays or heat. We really see a solution within five years, according to environmental scientist Paul Harvey, an expert on global plastic pollution.

2. Topeka Zoo welcomes new African Lion as female sprouts mane

The Topeka Zoo has welcomed a new African Lion to its pride, a male, as one of its females started to sprout a mane following the 2021 passing of the pride’s last male.

The Topeka Zoo and Conservation Center announced on Thursday, April 13, that Tatu, a 4-year-old African Lion, has arrived in the Capital City. He comes to Topeka from the Denver Zoo and his arrival marks a time of growth for the zoo.

3. This barber opens his shop on his day off for children with special needs – and all of their haircuts are free

On his day off, Vernon Jackson still goes to work, opening up his Cincinnati barber shop, Noble Barber and Beauty, for VIP clients: children with special needs. 

It's something he's done since 2021. "I was hearing so many horror stories that parents were going through with other barber shops and just the barbers or stylists having no patience with their child," Jackson told CBS News. "So I figured I would compromise by coming in on my day off so there were there would be no other barbers or stylists in the shop and I could give them the full attention that they need."

4. Renewables break energy records signalling ‘end of the fossil age’

Experts are calling time on the fossil age as new analysis shows wind and solar power produced a record amount of the world’s electricity last year.

The renewables generated 12 per cent of global electricity in 2022, up from 10 per cent the previous year, according to the report from clean energy think tank Ember. Last year, solar was the fastest-growing source of electricity for the 18th year in a row, rising by 24 per cent from 2021.

5. New nuclear medicine therapy cures human non-hodgkin lymphoma in preclinical model

A new nuclear medicine therapy can cure human non-Hodgkin lymphoma in an animal model A single dose of the radioimmunotherapy, was found to quickly eliminate tumour cells and extend the life of mice injected with cancerous cells for more than 221 days (the trial endpoint), compared to fewer than 60 days for other treatments and just 19 days in untreated control mice.

To explain it in simple terms because this is so freaking cool: There is a radioactive atom attached to a drug. The target cell eats the drug and the energy coming off of the radioactive atom kills the target cell

6. Colorado passes first US right to repair legislation for farmers

Colorado farmers will be able to legally fix their own equipment next year, with manufacturers including Deere & Co obliged to provide them with manuals for diagnostic software and other aids, under a measure passed by legislators in the first U.S. state to approve such a law.

Equipment makers have generally required customers to use their authorized dealers for repairs to machines such as combines and tractors.

7. When a softball player falls after hitting a grand slam, this is how her opponents reacted

----

That's it for this week :)

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Also don’t forget to reblog

[reikunrei]

feeling incredibly averse to posting this but i'm just gonna drop my kofi link here in case anyone wants to help me get out of my increasingly shitty situation living with my parents

more info below ig

after having given my parents nearly $100k over the last four years, i'd love to be able to actually leave. my future job situation is still up in the air (i've submitted for about a dozen positions and the only one i've heard back from and interviewed for hasn't gotten back to me yet), and i haven't been able to build up any savings because, again, i was (and still am) helping my family afford rent and bills, and probably the taxes my parents are behind on, but if i think about that, i'll get too angry. no joke, i've given my family, at the bare minimum, 85% of my income over the last 4 years. the rest of it has gone toward medical stuff and, now, my car

at this point, with the combo of my mom refusing to lower her standards and my dad's seeming refusal to hunt for a new full time job, i don't see how they won't continue to bleed me dry. my dad even has a bad habit of taking money out of my old savings account that he's a joint owner on or whatever from when i got it set up when i was 16, even when i stopped actively putting money in it, so now any time it gets its automated $1 transfer from my checking account, he'll just take that $1 without consulting me. i'm not exaggerating, even if it has $1-2 in it, it'll be gone within a week

i've even put off starting on testosterone because of this. i wanted to start it like 3 years ago, but kept putting it off because of money issues and wanting to save as much as possible. i got really close to actually starting it this year, but because of how messy everything is, i put it off again bc having one more thing on my plate, especially when my parents are already weird about me being trans, was not something i wanted to deal with

not to mention, we're still currently not living under a lease in our house that we're, as far as i'm aware, still tens of thousands of dollars behind in rent on (again, my dad refuses to disclose our financial position honestly with any of us) and it's developed many, many issues bc the landlord, even before we were behind on rent, is shit and refuses to actually fix anything. and my dad loves to just ignore things unless we beg him to do something

i'd love to be on my own (in the, much more affordable, midwest) by the end of summer. i by no means want to rely on donations and i have other avenues i'm working with to make money (i still have my current full time job, but i'm going through my old belongings and selling a lot online), but i'll take any help i can get atp because i'm truly at my wits end. i'd start doing art commissions again if i could, but doing that from 2020-2022, partially on top of my full time job, absolutely wrecked my right hand and i'm still in enough pain that i can't make it a regular activity

idk how much else there is to say. there's more i could say but... i don't really wanna air all my dirty laundry here. i'm miserable in so many ways and it's just become increasingly clear that my dad expects me to constantly cover his ass. my younger brother gives money too, but he manages to go on big cross-country and overseas trips with friends, so i think i've been stuck with the burden of giving the most money. there's so many more things going on in the world rn and everyone is stretched thin so i don't expect much, or anything, but. idk. might as well throw it out there, right?

i’ve also since taken down the gfm i set up last year when we got our first eviction notice bc, while we still need the money, i don’t feel right keeping it up for multiple reasons, including “i don’t want to give any of that money to my family” and it feels too… serious to keep it up when i could just throw out my kofi instead

i just want to make sure i have some sort of safety net to catch me if i move before anything job-wise is finalized. i need to be able to afford a place to live for at least a month so i can job-search while physically being in the area i wanna move to, which would ultimately make it easier for me to find a job at all. i'm working on being more firm with giving less money so i can actually have the means to move and be safe and comfortable, but... that never lasts long in this house

anyway. that's it, i guess. thanks for reading

[bad-surprise]

⭐️directors commentary of your choice please?

i held onto this for a minute because i knew i wanted to wait until the fic was complete (same for museum, that’s sitting in my inbox for now)

apologies in advance, this is a long one.

but i thought you might

haladriel modern au | E | 135.4k | 26/26

but i thought you might (bitym) began as a promptfill i posted on december 9th, 2022— the day i created my fandom twitter account.

at very basic level, bitym is a story about purity culture and the impact it has on those who grow up within it, even if they believe they never bought into the conditioning. it taught me that i love writing about sex— particularly deeply psychological sex scenes that reveal new info about the characters and their relationship, motivations, and overall dynamic.

it really only exists because my husband had covid that week, and because i was exposed but tested negative we were isolating separately. i had a lot of time to fill and spent a lot of it daydreaming, listening to music, and writing little bits of a story in my notes app. there was a very clear moment where hal’s voice just clicked for me and the first chapter came together from there. chapters 1, 2, the last half of 4, and 5 were all written first, back when i thought it would be an 8k one shot. i still have the draft of this, along with another one shot version of it.

it was inspired by memories of high school, particularly one off-campus lunch senior year where a friend confessed that she and her boyfriend had sex and she enjoyed it and didn’t know what to do with that. i believe my response was “i’m pretty sure you’re supposed to like it,” but she started crying. hal and gal’s high school is largely based on the private religious school i attended, and when i imagine their campus, that’s the image in my mind.

i really struggled to find a title, and sort of impulsively chose a line from home by daughter because i thought that song captured the right vibe.

personally, the story only becomes something i’m not embarrassed by around chapter 6. i knew what i was writing towards at that point but only in vague terms. going back into hal’s pov there for the first time since chapter 2 really clarified things for me. i’m not proud of it until chapter 10.

note: spoilers for the entirety of but i thought you might below.

many of my favorite elements were happy accidents, including the introduction of luthien, the two year time jump in chapter 11, the entire diner scene, and hal going to therapy. in conversations with my husband, i was adamant for so long that bitym!hal would never go to therapy. i underestimated what he would be willing to do for gal.

i didn’t really know the ending until around march, and a key aspect of it changed while drafting the penultimate chapter. the original ending i had in mind was incredibly dark, much closer to the shark in your water. it was initially going to be a story about hal thinking he was free from the religious conditioning but turning out to be just as toxic as fin, and galadriel coming to terms with being trapped. i was terrified when this changed and so so scared that hal would lose empathy from readers because of what he did, but ultimately that doesn’t seem to have happened.

the process of writing felt like constant excavation. i felt my way through the story intuitively, with a very flexible list of some plot points in my mind, but i was pretty much flying blind here. i’m so glad it worked out alright in the end.

easter eggs/random bits of info

references

“but they say you have the voice of an angel” is a reference to the music of the ainur

many celebrian moments were inspired by tiktoks and reddit posts.

“the last person i dated was awful” from chapter 17 (i think?) is the only morgoth reference in the whole fic. i debated including him but it ultimately felt like too much work to add it in and i don’t think the story needed it.

when hal’s telling galadriel how he lost his virginity, he says “she had a boyfriend anyway”. this is a reference to the song sex by the 1975.

in chapter 18, the event the girls go to is a reference to revolve tour (the girls who get it, get it)

the conversation hal and gal have about the differences in sex ed for girls and guys at their school is intended to slightly reference “then why is it not gone from here?” in the show, which is largely how it felt for me to leave evangelicalism before recovering from a lot of the related trauma. i didn’t believe it anymore, so why was it still strangling me all the fucking time?

depression as anger turned inward comes from my therapist, who knows i used it in this fic.

takes 20 attempts for halbrand to get the ring right because 3 rings for the eleven kings + 7 for the dwarf lords + 9 for mortal men = 19 before he forges the one.

hal is an aeronautical engineer working in the defense sector. this is a reference to some legendarium stuff around sauron in numenor.

writing process + personal shit:

in the first draft, hal was morgoth’s son and there was a plot point involving the theft of the silmarils.

the nursing student line in chapter 1 is based on some people i knew at university.

i am too embarrassed to read chapters 2 and 3. like i just want to curl up and hide whenever i think about either of those chapters, i think they’re terrible.

there are many “deleted scenes” from bitym that just didn’t fit into the narrative in the end, so they live in the unused scenes folder in my scrivener project. one of these scenes— a description of hal’s apartment— actually ended up being used for museum, and another scene i deleted was reworked for chapter 7 of shark.

i wrote the infamous chapter 5 car scene in the middle of the night, during what felt like a dissociative state, because i knew if i wasn’t exhausted my inner critic would start shame spiraling due to my own religious upbringing.

every single purity culture experience in the text, with the exception of chastity club and the purity pledge, is something that actually happened in my life. the only reason i didn’t do a purity pledge is because i missed youth group that week.

“they cannot convince her she’s sinned” is 100% from my own experience of being surprised by my complete lack of guilt lol.

i really want to have a longer convo about the consent stuff in it because i’m fascinated by some of the responses i got to the chapter 5 car scene. some people were really angry with me for it, which was interesting bc i really had the archive warning on there because of the birth control tampering.

i fucked up the time skip in chapter 11 and added an extra year. this changed the story dramatically (and is why the ending ultimately changed) but i prefer the way it turned out. i also fucked up the age gap between fin and gal, and don’t ask me what grade celebrian is in bc basically i cannot do math to save my life.

i find it really interesting how many readers seem to think galadriel’s POV chapters are more reliable than hal’s, because i definitely see it the opposite way.

i get super nervous about the references to their jobs because i’m terrified of getting something wrong but definitely don’t know the ins and outs. i do research, but i still feel super inadequate there, which is why you never see her at work and only see him at work twice.

chapter 13 (diner scene) was so difficult to plan, but once i decided to use those two songs, it became fairly straightforward. it’s one of my favorite chapters in the entire story.

you probably know this by now if you’ve read chapter 25, but their first kiss being in a closet was 100% deliberate.

i’m so so proud of the sequence with the pregnancy tests in chapter 15.

i decided celebrian would be in this while writing chapter 6.

the drive home from the bachelorette party was written about five days after i started working on bitym.

i knew as soon as chapter 6 that hal would wait until celebrian was born to tell galadriel that he loved her, but holy shit it was so difficult to wait that long.

the scene I’m most proud of is the opening to chapter 23.

misc. in universe info:

the night out with elrond and miriel in chapter 22 stresses me out so much bc gal doesn’t understand what she’s doing and it’s such a horrible position for hal to be in, seeing how she’s basically asking him to come out to her before he’s ready. this all happens only a few days before galadriel leaves for the first time.

hal doesn’t know that galadriel doesn’t think they’re a couple until B+L’s wedding. his response when she tries to bring it up earlier is because he’s worried officially defining it its going to either set him up for failure, or scare her off completely, but in his mind, they were basically together together as soon as he said “yeah, i think i’ll keep you” in chapter 5.

there are subtextual references to substance use issues in hal’s family. this is why he doesn’t drink much or do drugs— though by his 32nd birthday his attitude is a bit more relaxed, considering that their second child is conceived while both of them are drunk lol

in chapter 12, galadriel left her car in accessory for too long and the battery died. hal is fully aware of this and totally could’ve just jumped her battery but he missed her and wanted an excuse to spend time with her.

galadriel’s apprehension about motherhood doesn’t come from a lack of interest altogether, but because the only model she’s really had is one of 100% loss of identity, which is something she’s not willing to do. initially, i planned on this being her ultimate fate and good lord i’m so happy i didn’t go there.

i’m very careful in hal’s therapy sessions to have him refer to “people” he’s dated/slept with, rather than “women.”

galadriel’s friends 100% thought she was sleeping with hal AND celeborn in high school, hence their confusion at her response to finding out they were sexually active then.

hal’s parents aren’t actually homophobic or biphobic, they just didn’t know how to handle that situation and so they sort of pretended it didn’t happen. and if you want to know what happened, it’s just your usual homophobic bullying— the boy he liked turned on him to avoid being a target himself.

hal has had panic attacks his entire life but wasn’t diagnosed with panic disorder until shortly before galadriel moved out for real. he’s very resistant to using rescue meds and thinks he should just be able to tough it out.

they split bills proportionally based on income, with hal contributing 66% and gal 34% around the time of celebrian’s birth. galadriel doesn’t know much about hal’s finances until they buy the house.

i loved seeing how responses to amarie changed as she challenged expectations in the later timeline. i feel really bad for her— it’s implied in the final chapter that she married fin when she was 20 and he was 24, and she dropped out of college as a result. what they’re struggling with by the end is the fact that she wants to finish her degree and has made peace with the fact that they don’t have kids— more of that will be in peppermint for sure.

another aspect in the background that i knew about but decided against mentioning is that celebrian was born just before covid, which is a huge part of why they fell out with galadriel’s family. hal’s health anxiety meant nobody was getting anywhere near his baby and they were not feeling that at all. this might come up a little in peppermint, we’ll see. i doubt i would directly mention covid, just the fact that both of them were working from home for a large part of celebrian’s first few months.

celebrian’s first word was fuck. hal insists it doesn’t count. gal disagrees.

both hal and gal can be read as neurodivergent. it’s revealed in peppermint that celebrian does have adhd. hal also can be read as meeting the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder— that was unintentional but i think it makes a lot of sense.

significant influences on bitym

films/tv

like crazy

normal people

about time

saved

couples therapy

the worst person in the world

before midnight

lady bird

500 days of summer

non-fiction

leaving the fold: a guide for former fundamentalists and others leaving their religion by marlene winell

complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving by pete walker

hold me tight by sue johnson

adult children of emotionally immature parents by lindsay c. gibson

three women by lisa taddeo

fiction

normal people by sally rooney

beautiful world where are you? by sally rooney

little rabbit by alyssa songsiridej

the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera

atonement by ian mcewan

musical theater

the last five years

spring awakening

once

my favorite lines

Fighting is foreplay, so they never fight fair. Grievances are grenades, painstakingly primed for maximum impact. If the situation escalates to all-out warfare, consequences take a brutal turn. All hope of a ceasefire hangs on her eventual surrender to submission. — chapter 8

“Stop fucking running from what you want,” he murmurs, slipping his free hand beneath her shoulders, golden hair tangled around his wrist and laced between his fingers as they sink into her skin. “You’re not scared of me, you’re scared of yourself.” The words sear into her with the precision of a cautery pen, burning through any vestiges of self-denial still humming in her mind, loosening each thought at the root. — chapter 10

Galadriel murmured the words over and over again, whispering them against his lips, pressing them into his mouth, until the taste of each syllable was as familiar to him as the salt of her tears. — chapter 11

“Deciding to leave is very different from deciding to not love you anymore.” — chapter 13

If Galadriel is sunlight, Celebrian is made from the stars. — chapter 21

“I’d be first in line at the gates of hell,” Hal says slowly, with all the steadfast solemnity of a vow or a prayer, “if it meant I could keep this beautiful fucking life of ours for just a little longer.” — chapter 25

“You can stop beating yourself up for this shit, honey.” Hal’s thumb brushes her temple. “It’s not on you to fix something you didn’t fucking break.” — chapter 26

Maybe Hal was right. Maybe these moments only matter because of their fleeting, ephemeral nature. Maybe that overwhelming ache she once believed would shatter her served as a method to hollow out space for feeling to inhabit— this precious alloy of quiet contentment and contagious joy, irresistible wonder and the recalcitrance of love, all bound together by a strand of defiant hope. — chapter 26

“I might never be able to heal the parts of you— of us, of our family, our life— that I’ve broken. But you have my word, Galadriel,” his voice drops, each syllable low and firm, carrying the weight of an oath, “I will keep trying— until my last fucking breath, until the end of the goddamn world.” — chapter 26

that was probably a lot more than anyone wanted to know haha, so i’ll stop myself there. this fic means so fucking much to me and i’m so so proud of it. i never thought i’d be capable of writing anything like it and it’s so overwhelming in the best way to know that it means a lot to other people too.

hopefully this answered a lot of questions, but my ask box is open for anything at all— i could talk about concepts in and the process of writing bitym for days (i’m usually holding back bc i don’t want to be annoying) so please feel free to reach out with whatever.

and again, thank you all for everything. you’re amazing.

[silverxenomorph]

I quit my Job last friday.

I used to be an employment consultant in the Disability Employment Services area for a Not-for-Profit organization. Mentally I wasn't doing well and struggling. I wasn't doing any of the things I loved - Art, Op-Shopping, Crafting. I think late last year I burnt out and never really recovered. Nor have I physically recovered from having COVID in 2022.

Late last year, early this year our region was hit with a cyclone and a massive flood and economically, our region has not recovered. So I wasn't making my KPIs - I was however meeting my Administrative, Marketing and Outcomes KPIs but not my placement KPI (getting people into work which was the 'important' one) - in spite of changing everything I was doing to try and meet it and keep on top of the training they were putting me through to meet it.

So I ended up in a Performance Improvement period for the last 12 weeks. I met the first one, only made 50% on the second and in spite of everything, failed the third.I was second guessing myself constantly and I knew I was THE most experienced person on the team and knew my shit back to front and upside down - that's how bad it was.

And then there were a series of changes within the company that put me on edge. The company expanded into 2 other states and planned to go global in a very short period. The CEO and Founder retired due to poor health and suddenly everything became about making money. The company fired 4-5 Area Managers 8 weeks into the PIP, some who had been with the company 8+ years, without notice.This of course did nothing for my mental health, except to make it worse. So when HR set an impossible goal for me to meet in a 2 week time limit, I crumbled.

It was the hardest decision I had to make, but for my mental health I knew I had to give it up. I put in my two weeks last Friday and basically the State Manager said to finish up that day. I wanted to say goodbye to my clients, but it was protocol, They paid for 2 weeks of full time hours, my leave and gave me a good reference which all that really matters.

I loved my Team, and the majority of my customers and will miss them a ton. It's nothing like the job before this one - that company was rotten and gross and did not care about it's employees. But Employment Services has a reputation for being a stressful, mental health ruining.

So back on the job hunt I go - well I might take a few weeks before I really knuckle back down into it. Sure as heck not going back to employment services, as rewarding as it had been, I need a job that's just pure Administration, boring, go in get work done, get paid and go home. I want to try and stay in the not for profit sector, maybe even with disabilities, just something where I don't have to deal with KPIs again.

[vesperstardust]

I think my life is done falling apart/together for now

I don't even know how to transcribe the chaos that has been happening in my life the last...forever...but specifically the last 6 months and especially the last couple of months

2020 and 2021 were the best years of my life, maybe that tells you something. They were the years I felt most secure and became most aligned with myself. I've always been a survivor who thrives in liminal spaces.

Falling apart and falling together look remarkably similar. If you take away anything from this post, remember that.

I want to move forward and stay still and let myself be happy and do the things I've been wanting to do but I also want to remember every twist and turn that brought me here. Because I'm grateful how it all worked out.

Wish I could do a cut under a cut Here is the story, I suppose, of what happened.

There is even more I can't write, but the present trials feel like they truly began when I lost my hair from alopecia during 2022.

I've struggled with alopecia areata, one of several chronic illnesses, but that was the first time I became bald. My long auburn red hair I saw as part of my identity, gone. Who am I? I had to find out quickly who I really was and find strength to keep going that I never knew. Cutting or shaving hair as humiliation against one's will, to break one's spirit, I understood why. I didn't recognise myself. During this same time I also had a traumatic experience with people I thought were my friends that was directly related to my experiences with alopecia.

It took months and along with a newly-approved-by-the-fda medication for alopecia and continued scalp injections, it's growing back fairly well. But just as this was happening, we became financially unstable when my partners gig job dried up and he began experiencing a severe health condition at the same time.

Things were stressful and challenging at this point but manageable. Then we lost our food money. At points we were half-starved (I say this without exaggeration - support your local food bank it will save someone's life). The morale blow/raise of losing/gaining treats is not to be underestimated. And people who have never been food insecure don't realise how little other things matter when you can't eat. You can barely think to do other things. I was food insecure growing up so at least that was something I knew how to deal with. But it's still a terrible thing to be hungry.

After going through the winding maze insurance companies so often require even for life-changing prescriptions, my partner finally received the medication he needed to recover his health to a manageable state.

But eventually we faced eviction from our apartment with one week's notice after attempted financial aid fell through. It's traumatic and frightening and sorrowful to have to leave the place you call home under circumstances beyond your control. My partner was interviewed and hired for a perfect job after no luck for months within DAYS of the eviction, ensuring that no matter what happened, we'd finally have food and other resources.

But we still only had a week to find somewhere to move.

One day, management (who had a history of being unreachable, including during the time we tried to seek financial aid and work with them) showed up and tried force their way in (the door chain stopped them) and then proceeded to lie and tell us we had to be gone that day even though legally we did not until 24hrs after the notice had been placed on the door, which it had not yet. That was scary though. And they had sent their newest person, and it's possible she didn't even know it was a lie. But we had the paperwork and emails to prove it. I remember physically trembling, the paper shaking in my hand as we tried to explain. Another time pest control tried to force their way in. I'm sure management sent them too, as the email had only said you could sign up for a visit if you were having issues, which we were not and never signed up for. At an apartment complex, a door chain is such an extra sense of security that prevents people from unlocking your door and just walking in whenever they please, as was proved to me many times.

So we had a week to find somewhere to live. Friends (true friends) helped us more than we can ever repay, in ways that money alone could never repay. We got everything into a storage unit in record time. Our Winter Solstice was spent moving the largest pieces of furniture. Darkest night made bright with their help.

Some places wouldn't even give us a tour because of the eviction now on record. Most things I read during this time about renting with an eviction seemed so bleak. We found one apartment we thought was perfect and applied. They denied our application - but mysteriously accepted it a few days later without us even appealing. Was it because of all the construction at this complex and they were desperate? Did my partner's words somehow sway them? I don't know but I was considering the lilies of the field very, very hard at that point

So we had a place to move to on the 2nd of Jan but in the mean time we had to wait it out at our other apartment, unknowing when we would finally have to leave. A couple weeks sleeping on an air mattress in a near-empty apartment. Merry Christmas. We still had our tiny tree. Happy New Year. Our New Year's Day meal was a single heat and serve bag of basmati which we split, a tin of sardines and some corn. It felt like a small feast. Looking back, all symbols of prosperity and abundance.

On the day we were to move in, my partner's workplace somehow messed up (holidays at least partially to blame) and he still hadn't received his paycheck though he tried everything he could. So we had to scramble to borrow the deposit money from my mom. It's a long walk up to our new apartment at the moment because of all the renovations going on putting out the elevator. And when we got there, we realised they had given us the wrong set of keys so we were stuck outside in the hallway outside the door for 45min with the birds and our small carry items because she'd said she'd bring the correct sets of keys up, meanwhile I also had to go to the bathroom intensely. We'd laughed a lot through all of this when we weren't near-consumed with stress and fear of what would happen next, but it was nice to have a moment that was just purely funny.

The paycheck drama continued for another week so we had to work around that as well. But we had somewhere to live. Somewhere safe.

By the time it was my birthday about a week later. I slipped on the carpet running to say bye to my partner. It could have been worse but I scraped up my knee and hurt my leg. My knee/leg still hurt :') That same day our car also had trouble and stalled while my partner was on the way to work, so our plans to finally go out were dashed BUT he ordered Indian for us so we had a great meal nonetheless.

I love this new apartment. The layout is interesting and unique, one of the reasons we were drawn to it. The closet shelving is threatening to collapse but that can be fixed. Lack of bathroom counter space and large mirror is the only real downgrade from the other place but I can honestly say everything else here is equal to or better. Most important, you can see the moon from the window, and the best view of the sky.

The construction here is intense at the moment but inside the apartment itself is a haven, despite the chaos outside. I don't mind it because, after all, it likely played a part in how we were able to live here.

It sounds so small somehow when I write it all down. But it's not comparable to be on the other side of an ordeal where you can see how it all played out all at once and what you dodged and how you survived. When you're in it you have to get to the next day. Sometimes the next hour. I felt real fear during this time, an emotion I wasn't very familiar with. Throughout my life I've been through what some people might call "a lot", since early on. I've had people tell me I'm the strongest person they know. I've learned to handle many fears of many things. But this was an unfamiliar unraveling. And once I realised what it was, I was able to deal with it better. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. Frank Herbert was right.

My last time at the other apartment was happy, peaceful and filled with relief. It was a nice place for the time we lived, but everything good came with us. There were things I loved about it, but there were also things I won't miss and am glad to get away from (like living by the highway).

Thanks for reading this post if you made it all the way through. I wasn't sure how much to tell strangers on the internet but - we're friends here :)))

Adapt. Survive. Survive. Thrive.

Outside our window currently looks like the blitz. But only in the best way possible. Because the chaos doesn't bring any grief or fear - just a way out.

[tobydandelion]

I'm actually, legally, free now.

In the summer of 2022, I escaped long term physical and emotional abuse by a partner, who had kept me trapped with her by taking advantage of my disability for about 8 years. More than a year after my physical escape, I've now finally won the battle for my legal freedom, despite her trying to keep me legally bound to her. Now that the divorce has finished, I can finally apply for student aid, and get into community college.

I had been debating with myself whether or not to press charges for battery at this point, since I still have the evidence of her physical abuse, and I'm still within the statute of limitations- but recently I decided to let that go. As much as I want to see her get justice for what she did to me, and for the years she stole, I decided that the truly healthiest decision for me is to try to move on, and focus on the two most important things in my immediate future: College, and my child. 

Yes, at the time of writing, I am very happily exactly 12 weeks pregnant! This is something else I always wanted, but never thought I'd be able to have, until I understood how to accommodate my disability properly, and gained full control over my own life. Now that I know how to accommodate myself, and have all the support necessary, this feels like absolute perfect timing. 

I have a lovely, supportive boyfriend who I'm moving in with soon, a habilitation worker who's actually understanding of my limitations, a supportive and helpful roomate/boss/fwb/yougetitlol, a really great therapist, as well as a great gp,  and trans-friendly ob! And now that my divorce is finished, my disability payments will increase, and best of all, I can apply for student aid and start some online community college courses!

I'm planning on going into law, basically from scratch, over ten years removed from high school. So, I know I'm going to be going to school for about a decade at least, especially since the first few years are definitely going to be at a nice slow pace, so I don't burn myself out with being obligated to multiple classes and full-time infant care at the same time. I'll start as light as I can, and work closely with counselors, as they actually do have decent disability services at the community college I'm looking to apply to. 

My bf is planning on helping with the baby of course, but, honestly, I'm really quite content with the thought of being the primary caregiver. This really is something I've wanted my whole life; babysitting my little cousins on occasion was one of the only good things about my childhood. I love teaching and playing with and taking care of kids, but barely dared to dream of ever having my own, until this last year.

After I learned I was pregnant (actually very early, I could have chemically aborted but the thought didn't even cross my mind, due to the aforementioned proper support and lifelong childrearing dreams), I threw myself into learning all about pregnancy and babies. Luckily for me, this basically became an instant special interest, which has made, and is still making it, very easy to study up!

The way that me being autistic has affected my pregnancy, and vice versa, is quite interesting to me. I've already decided I'm not going to want an epidural, as I'm very curious how I will experience the sensations of labor and birth. (And even besides my muted interoception, I've heard that people with my bedroom proclivities have a much easier time with birth generally, and I wonder if this is true.)

Also, I was expecting my sensory issues to be more of a problem so far, but I've actually been very lucky with pregnancy symptoms, as of 12 weeks. The worst I've experienced so far is some nausea and vomiting and fatigue, but none have even been bad enough to lower my quality of life, really. 

One thing that definitely has contributed to my continued health, is that is that my doctor cleared me to keep using cannabis oil through my pregnancy. I'm sure that's helped with the nausea more than I even know! Initially, my regular doctor had said that I'll probably wanna switch to something else while breastfeeding, because THC oil is generally contraindicated for that, but that it's definitely fine until I wanna start clearing it out of my system just for breastmilk production.

BUT, at my first appointment with my obgyn, whom my doctor said would be the one to decide what to try besides cannabis, I was actually informed there's no need to change anything! Apparently, she thinks the risk of switching medications while pregnant outweighs any risks posed by the THC. I was absolutely elated to hear that- I was certain they were gonna want to make sure it was out of my system before giving birth. But my care team reassured me that a positive result in my baby or milk won't impact how quickly I can take them home at all, and it'll all go on their chart explaining things properly. I'm so relieved- it's like the best case scenario I didn't even wanna get my hopes up for!

And something else I didn't expect- I already love them. Even though they aren't a baby yet, I love this fetus. It's a very strange feeling, it's different from how I've ever felt about either a person or a pet. Sometimes just remembering they're there makes my heart fill with warmth so rapidly that my eyes start welling with happy tears. And other times I catch myself clapping and laughing just from the sheer joy I get when I randomly think about the little nubbly pink thing all cozy in my belly. But most of the time, it's just a nice calm comfort, like I'm never alone. They make every decision easier, every next right step clearer. That's the feeling that's hardest to describe. I guess, it's like having a very comforting imaginary friend, but who I know is actually real? It's amazing. I never feel lonely anymore, ever. I truly feel what I interpret as 'love' towards the little creature inside me. 

They've even helped one of my e.d. quite a bit; it's like I'm able to not worry about calories or carbs lately, because I'm so focused on getting the right nutrients to them. I've been able to quickly push past negative food thoughts, and just think about how good what I'm eating is for the creature. I've been eating a lot of cheerios, which to my keto-fryed orthorexic brain would have been unthinkable, just months ago. But now I've at least been able to somewhat suppress and redirect that compulsion, to give my child the statistically optimum nutrients to have the highest likelihood of being able to become a very happy baby!

I like to think about how they're growing constantly, and about what they might start to experience and when. I've started talking to them. They might not know what 'I love you' means yet, but they're going to have heard it every day, from before they even had a brain to experience it. I'm going to do my very best for them. I've proven myself to be quite capable of finding appropriate accommodations lately, and I know I'm ready to be a good dad.

Oh, and I've already prepared for them to have my same disabilities, since that's quite likely. The first items I bought for them (I'm already starting to stock up on essentials, since I'm on a fixed income and it's more practical than buying all the supplies later on at once) have been newborn sized sun-goggles, newborn sized noise-canceling earmuffs, as well as a baby wipe warmer! They're going to grow up comfortable and secure- and listened to, no matter how they communicate- from the very beginning of their life.

Also: fun info for any other pregnancy nerds: we have a posterior placenta!! 🕺🎉 (Non pregnancy nerds: that's the best kind of placenta, lol.)

I'm really stoked about this timing, too. Like I mentioned, I'm planning on about ten years of school or so, starting with online classes for the first few years. Basically what my version of 'pre-law' will be, is a couple years of Gen Ed to recover anything forgotten from high school over the last decade, then probably some literature and government courses while I'm working on getting my LSAT score up. There's a pretty decent lawschool here in the city I live in that I'll be applying to, once I've got that score up high enough for a scholarship program.

So hopefully, the timing should work out to where I can stay home and devote as much time to the child as they need in their first few years, then once they start going to gradeschool, I should be able to start some in-person lawschool classes right around then. 

As frustrating as waiting for the divorce has been over this last year, I'm glad I got plenty of time to properly rest and make sure I have what I need to be at my best, before starting school. And I got a head start on the family I've always wanted, simultaneously! This timing honestly couldn't be better, I'm so excited about both my short term and long term future. 

So for now, I'm probably going to continue to only check social media very sparingly, to keep stress down, as is best for baby formation and whatnot. They're my number one priority now, and it's a small sacrifice to make for the most important creature in my world. <3

[komotionlessqueenmm]

Okay so....

This was a post I probably should have made a few days ago...

But we're here now...

So let me explain a few things that are happening right now in my personal life, things no one on this site knows.

❌Dark topics ahead, readers discretion is advised.❌

Firstly I should "introduce" you two the individuals I'm going to be talking about.

The first being my mothers mother, who we'll call K, and the woman I currently live with.

Then we have my father's mother, who we'll call T.

My grandmother's, my biological grandmother's.

Well a little over a year ago (maybe a year and a half or so, I'm terrible with time, it always escapes me.) they were both diagnosed with lung cancer within a few months of eachother.

K being the first to receive her diagnosis.

They both seemed to be doing pretty good for a while, they'd done radiation, and immuneotherapy, surgery was never an option for either of them.

K's cancer even went into remission near the end of fall in 2022 or so. Even after she refused more treatment, as she felt more miserable doing it, and she'd come to terms with it.

Then in January of 2022 K's husband. Who we'll call R, and the man I had grown up calling my grandfather, despite him not being my biological grandfather. Suddenly died of a heart attack, right in front of K, who while in the hospital had to witness first hand as they tried to resuscitate him.

It was two days before her birthday, and after they called it, my father called me to tell me the news, I was at work when it happened.

They made his funeral plans on K's birthday.

Despite having Covid and Strep throat, I attended his funeral anyways, sitting in a far back corner away from everyone so as to not get anyone sick.

Things were strange for a long time, and hard on everyone, but we took it one day at a time.

And for a while things were going good, well considering.

Up until about two weeks ago... K's cancer is no longer in remission, and it's spreading into her throat.

She's doing radiation again, but it's really only delaying the inevitable, as horrible as it is to say.

And T... Well yesterday the doctors informed the family that she only has a few days left...

And my family is afraid that when T passes, her husband B, will just completely give up on life, and do something drastic.

He's been with her since he was 19, he doesn't know how to be on his own... And he's known for making terrible choices when he's distraught.

Christ it's such a fucked situation...

I'm crying as I write this...

For the past two years I have had to watch as my grandmother's are dying, and at least one of my grandfather dies.

These passed two years have been some of the hardest years I've been through so far in life.

And I'm not writing it because I want sympathy, or pity or anything like that. That's why I've not talked about it until now. I'm writing this because I need to get it off my chest.

And I wanted you all to know why I suddenly go AFK for days at a time.

I know you guys will understand, and I know you'll give me the time I need, but I just needed you all to know.

Cherish your loved ones, as cheesy as it sounds, because you never know when you've said your last goodbye.

I love you all, and I appreciate you all more than you'll ever realize.

And I'm so sorry to just drop this emotional bomb on you all.

Sometimes life is just to fucking real... And god it hurts so much...

----

@l0vel3ss-l1nds3y @dearest-painter

(I wanted to tag you both in case you guys would miss it on your dash. And I really thought you both ought to know as well.)

[ofdemonsandangels]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 🤍

I love this! Thanks for dropping this in my inbox, I always appreciate doing things like this. I can luckily play this game since I have SIX WHOLE fics published.

say me, wight in the brom

I really love this fic, and it's probably my second favorite fic that I've written at the moment. I feel like I really pushed myself with this fic, especially the premise, which I was very unsure about going about. But it was because of my wonderful beta reader and art inspiration from the amazing @shiroyamaberserk that I was able to pull through and start and finish this fic within the span of a week, the fastest I've ever written a fic. Writing from Locus' pov was really fun and I liked describing Griffith from his perspective, it's something that just gradually came to me that continued to be built as more and more words appeared on my doc.

Take Me to the Poppy Field

This was the second fic I ever wrote so I was coming off the high of publishing my first and diving right into not only a different fandom but a ship with the most minuscule community. Cross Marian is an absolute enigma and it's a miracle that I was able to type up 2.2k words of his pov because having reread the D.Gray-Man manga recently, I can't fathom how I thought that I had the capability of writing from inside his mind. I'm really proud of my dialogue with this fic in particular, I tried really hard to write more dialogue instead of description and for what it is, I think I did good.

Encompassing Lust

Encompassing Lust my beloved, where do I even begin? This was the first fic I ever wrote and the only fic I have so far that has any kind of sexual content. I don't really remember what compelled me to make this fic, only that I was feeling very strongly about Slan and Danann kissing each other because I thought they'd look good together. It took me a while to scrape together something for my fantastic beta reader @beansterpie to work with and even after I published it, I ended up completely revising it three months later because of how unsatisfied I was. I was able to develop a much stronger voice for Dannan during that time and I changed her and Slan's interactions to interactions that I didn't deem too ooc. I say this like it's not the most random Berserk crackship to exist. As I look back on the fic over a year later, all I can say is "Yeah, I did that". I turned the sex demon into an even hornier sapphic for the skeleton man's fairy girlfriend.

One of Heart, One of Mind

As of now, this fic is my favorite fic I've ever written. Yulma is a ship that I feel so strongly about and they're the first ship that I've consistently shipped for years, so writing this fic was a very daunting task. I really wanted to do them right, and being the perfectionist that I am, I was bugging @shiroganeryo for months about my ideas, anxieties, and overall love for Kanda and Alma. In rereading/rewatching the Artificial Exorcist arc multiple times to familiarize myself with their canon selves again, I gained a newfound appreciation for Hoshino's storytelling abilities. She really knows how to make a girl cry. I feel like this fic is very reflective of the writer that I am now and I can only hope that I continue to grow. Comparing this to Encompassing Lust makes me feel so many things, all positive of course.

A Familiar Canvas

A Familiar Canvas is my fic of all fics. It's my most kudo'd, most commented, and second-highest hit counted fics. It's a fic that I had come up on the fly for GriffGuts Weekend 2022 and the first fic I've written that had a "due date". I learned a lot about myself during the nearly two and a half months I took to write this fic. One, I'm awful at writing on a time crunch, and two, I really like writing Griffith's dialogue. He was actually easier to write than Guts if you could believe it. It's usually the other way around for my friends. I don't know how it got so much traction over the months but I welcome it all.

[treesap-blogs]

GUYS YOUR MAN IS BACK! WITH A REVIEW OF “THE HONEYS” BY RYAN LA SALA!

Hello, Tumblrians! It’s been a while. I thought I’d post more consistently due to it being my Spring Break time, but alas, I was fatigued and to be honest just needed a break. Even if I post once a week, I put a lot into reviewing everything! Yeah.

BUT! I read some bangers recently. I will get those out of the way first and foremost.

The Honeys is a 2022 horror novel by Ryan La Sala, following a genderfluid teen named Mars. (I’ll be addressing them with they/he/she pronouns this whole review btw, as the MC uses all of those pronounse.) His sister recently died a grisly death after running away from the prestigious summer academy she was attending, and although the uncharacteristic behavior and aggression in her final moments can be attributed to a tumor in her brain by doctors, Mars suggests there was some foul play involved. So, he goes back to the summer academy/camp in question: Aspen, a cisnormative, kinda cultish nightmare, which Mars swore they wouldn’t return to after an incident that happened years prior, but has to in order to investigate their sister’s death. There, they end up somehow befriending the local trio of popular girls: The Honeys, called that because of their beekeeping, are alluringly and suspiciously perfect girls with a pretty exclusive friend group that Caroline was part of right before she died. But, The Honeys are definitely not as they seem, and undoubtedly have a connection to Mars’ sister’s death. On top of that, in the daytime, something within the camp starts messing with Mars’ memories, and they need to get to the bottom of what exactly that is before it’s too late.

The Honeys holds a Book Backstory that, similar to Mars’ memory/POV for most of the book, is a little hazy to me now and I have a vague recollection of the series of events that led to this being something of high priority on my TBR. Maybe I just learned it was a queer horror and was intrigued based on the premise alone! But, my school library had this in its horror shelves, and I checked this one out along with Belladonna in order to clear off some of my Digital TBR. (I hadn’t gotten around to reading Belladonna yet with the Trans Rights Readathon going on, sorry.)

Anyhow! As only my second horror novel, this took a bit of adapting to, but halfway through I was expecting it to be tamer than it turned out. See, for a chunk of the novel, Mars lives in a bit of a haze and doesn’t have much recollection of their original investigation plan due to supernatural events, and as a result a third or so of this novel is summer camp shenanigans that are typical until a creepy event happens and gets shrugged off about 20 pages later. In that sense, it’s close to a slow burn psychological horror. So, if you’re expecting a lot of dead bodies and fear from our protagonist, just…know you’ll have to wait until the last 100 pages for more of that haha. Originally though, this kinda frustrated me because I disliked knowing more than the protagonist did when we technically knew about the same things at different points, but I liked how that part of the plot was wrapped up, and although I was critical of it at the time it makes a lot of sense in hindsight (I was just impatient and wanted a bloodbath I guess).

This also gave me a new interest, or I guess a new…buzzword…to look for in books and the like (collective crowd booing): Bee horror!!! I loved it so much. Bee horror isn’t really something new, I know, just look at Candyman for instance(and the new Amazon Prime series Swarm), but I just loved what they did with the body horror here. I loved the bits of bee research put into writing the apiary segments, the absolutely gross body horror we got (spoilers: people get TURNED INTO HONEY. Like, they melt and stuff!!), how the main hive mind was connected to everything and used actual beehive imagery in both metaphor and social structure. So cool. We love to see it.

Also, that ending!! No spoiler section for this review, but I will say that it’s absolutely BATSHIT!

Actually nevermind, changed my mind, WE’RE ADDING A SPOILER SECTION!!

SPOILER SECTION!! Buzz away if that’s not what you feel like reading or you want to go into this book blind.🐝

Ok!!! So. The ending. I was predicting that Mars would end up siding with the Honeys after they accepted them into their friend group, but I was absolutely not predicting the kind of scale or power their group had. The aforementioned “Hive Mind” was connected to the Honeys; they harvested honey from body-horroring some of the counselors into it, and they’d eat the honey to gain connection to this weird plane of reality called The Lace, which connects everyone’s minds together as one entity and makes them like..omnipresent or whatever. It’s so weird, I loved it.

Mars is forced to take on the leading role of Queen Bee, since his sister’s biology and stuff didn’t work with the literal throne and the stuff that came with that, and his parents are insistent about one of their bloodline taking on the title. To have this be put onto a transfemme character, after Aspen’s higher-ups were insistent about them remaining a “boy”, was fascinating to me. I’d have to do more lengthy analysis to properly dissect this, but to have Mars turn against the adult higher-ups while she’s Queen Bee felt like a way of reclaiming that as a means of affirming her identity and gender. (I mean, she’s presented femme throughout the book but that’s one of the only times they’re addressed with she/her pronouns by their parents, and Mars, while they were terrified of the Honeys themselves for a chunk of the ending, doesn’t have any discomfort in how they’re addressed gender-wise once they take on this role and it’s abilities.) Maybe that scene could be enough to convince a few girlies that, by the end, this could probably be a “Good For Her” horror, although it gets a little sketchy once we look into dissecting that? Just looking into the morals and stuff of The Honeys and how they fucked around with memories, will a little bit, and all that. (Not that Mars sides with that or decides to replicate it, even with their new abilities.)

But, I really liked the ending. I’m glad Mars got to get their revenge. It did feel a little “Good For Her”-y.

I do really want to do some analysis on it at some point though because I was thinking about some of the subtext within it and was, again, fascinated. Perhaps I’ll do a reread at some point, see if I liked things more or less, see if there’s anything I missed.

END OF SPOILER SECTION! (There was a flimsy Baby’s First Analysis y’all were not missing out if you skipped)

TL;DR(or TS;DR)(Too Spoilery, Didn’t Read), the ending was delightfully trippy and I tried my hand at dissecting some of the gender subtext within it.

Overall, a solid read! I was a little frustrated at the slowness sometimes, but that paid off in the end and I liked how everything wrapped up. I will always LOVE queer horror, especially stuff with trans protagonists 💪 

Book rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5 stars.

~Paz, signing off! ^^

(Book content/trigger warnings: Body horror, loss of autonomy(memory altercation), transphobic and homophobic bullying, frequent insects, blood and gore.)

[owlispls]

The way the swan is portrayed here is bad, yes. But let me add to that. I had a little hyperfocus in 2022 on Luxerias watch of the show on YouTube. (and the link to her The Swan watch Season 2) It is A LOT to go through. And it is absolutely hard to watch a lot of times, so tread carefully if you want to watch it, she has a lot of other different shows, maybe those are better suited for you.

They were cut off from their family for 3 months. And by that I mean: they were forced to go no-contact except for ONE call every Friday and a call before surgery. And if their family didn‘t pick up the phone they didn‘t get a second chance to talk that week.

They got up to 12 different surgeries within those 3 months while also being on a 1200kcal diet AND being forced to do a TON of exercise. If they complained about it ‚enough‘ they‘d deemed as weak and too ugly for the competition.

Did you just read competition? Yes. Did they know they‘d compete with each other? No. Not until the reveal where they saw themselves in the mirror for the first time after THREE MONTHS.

Wait. No mirror?! YEUP! No. Fucking. Mirrors. They had a Behind the Scenes episode where they made every shiny surface into a matte surface with foils or by spraying it with hairspray or something. One person had a mirror hidden somewhere and looked at herself in it once and got thrown off the show without any further aftercare after her surgeries.

That is a lot to handle alone, surely they got counseling during all of this? Well. Not really. They had a self-proclaimed life coach, who really was just a trained TV moderator as their therapist, all of it got filmed to find things to make them look bad as a person/mother/wife. Even if that were ‚just‘ that they are complaining about the pain or their husbands not being present for their kids, or something. All of their issues got spread to TV for everyone to look at and judge.

Also did I mention they were competing against esch other? Yeah. It is worse: after they had competition with one other ‚contestant‘ (i feel absolutely vile calling them that while they didn‘t know they were competing), they then went into a FUCKING PAGEANT in front of a live audience a few weeks after they finished the show.

The Pageant: they got to choose between dresses they had available. If they didn‘t fit they had to work harder to get into it during their time off the show. If they didn‘t show up to the pageant they got shamed on national TV. The dresses also were clearly a ‚this one is the ugly dress‘ and ‚oh well this dress is the winning one‘-choice.

If the reveal was hard to watch already (3 months without a mirror while going through extensive plastic surgery does something with you) the pageant questions and answers in front of a live audience (which is in itself absolutely hard to do, mind you they didn‘t know about it when trying to get into the show) were incredibly invasive and some of the women just absolutely froze and were deemed as ‚not fit to be the swan‘.

They got to do two seasons of it (and got canceled while casting for a third season), so the second time around they knew about the pageant. Which didn‘t make it easier for them, though. Luxeria did either find out in articles from years later where the women stand after all of that, or she got to talk to them privately and then put a transcript of their interview into her video. All of this has been so traumatic, that some women vanished from the internet/public eye the minute they went off the stage.

Of course Luxeria looked into the surgeons and professionals as well:

One of them went into the show ‚Botched‘ after the swan and someone else went into other different plastic surgery centric reality shows. The ‚browlift‘-surgeon went on record saying this show was a mistake that it got out of the writing room, let alone aired two full seasons.

The dentist was sued by most women on the show and even more people who went to see her due to her invasive way of doing daVinci veneers on perfectly healthy teeth. Her license was taken away after enough people showed proof of her talking them into veneers instead of less invasive procedures.

I can‘t bare to look at most of the episodes again, but please check out Luxeria!

I do have to impress on anyone who wasn't around for it how batshit the reality boom of the 2000s could be. Especially on Fox.

Here are some 100% real 2000s reality shows:

Who's Your Daddy? A woman has to guess which of eight men is her biological father. One of them really is, and if she guesses right she wins $100,000. If one of the seven fake dads convinces her to guess them, he wins $100,000.

Black. White. A white family learns about racism by living a month in blackface, while a black family spends a month in whiteface. The black family was a real family, but the white family was just some actors hired to put on blackface to prove racism exists

Without Prejudice? Five strangers decide which of five strangers gets a cash prize based off clips and their answers to political questions. Cancelled when one of the choosers openly said he'd eliminate all black contestants

Welcome to the Neighborhood. Three conservative white families in a Austin subdivision decide which diverse family gets to move in. Unaired due to being literal housing discrimination

Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay. Two straight men try to pass themselves off as gay and whoever seems more gay gets $50,000. Unaired due to. Due to. Due to

Playing It Straight. A woman tries to find love among fourteen men, half of whom are straight and half of whom are gay, and she must eliminate two men she believes are gay each week. If she ended up picking a straight man in the end, they'd split a million dollars; if she picked a gay man, he'd win a million dollars

Boy Meets Boy. This was Playing It Straight but starring a gay man and he had to eliminate straight people

Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire? He wasn't a multimillionaire. He didn't even have a million dollars in liquid assets. He had a battery conviction Fox claims they didn't see. Because it was the 2000s, somehow this ended up with the woman he won being widely vilified and turned into a national punchline. How dare she complain about a massive corporation tricking her into marrying a lying abuser, good thing Matt Lauer's there to take her down a peg

The Swan. A "ugly" woman is given plastic surgery and wins a prize if she's the hottest at the end of the season. If she's not hot enough by the show's standards she's eliminated and called ugly on national TV

The Biggest Loser. Overweight people engage in competitive crash weight loss that often led to awful health complications. Studies showed basically everyone on the show regained any weight they lost once it was over and they didn't have abusive trainers demanding they take huge health risks to win a competitive weight loss competition. Like the others, this one was cancel-oh, it was a massive hit that ran for 18 seasons? Yikes!

Wife Swap and Trading Spouses. These were the same show and had a wife from one family go to another family that was different politically, racially, culturally, religiously etc. Most famous for the God Warrior

At the time people focused on the likes of Fear Factor but looking back it's wild how many of the worst shows toyed with politics. So many of these shows have a premise that's like "what if we exposed these conservatives to these people they hate?" or hyping themselves up as Important Experiments. Then they'd freak out when they got the kind of viral bigoted freakout they were trying to construct the whole time.

There were also a bunch of horrible reality shows, thankfully this time mostly unpopular, in the 2010s that based themselves around economic themes as a response to the market crash, but that's a story for another time

[wolfreader]

august 2024 wrap-up - young adult fiction

this month i read four (4) young adult novels.

the lesbiana's guide to catholic school by sonora reyes 📖 🌟🌟🌟🌟

this isn't exactly what i go for when reading contemporary ya - typically when i read young adult fiction outside of fantasy it's historical fiction, or else far more serious, far more introspective work; while this certainly touches on heavy themes, it's far lighter in tone and far more romance-centric than what i normally gravitate toward.

that being said, i enjoyed it! sonora reyes definitely knows how modern teenagers speak and act far more than some other young adult authors i've read, i assume reyes either recently left high school or has a high school aged family member to speak to. also pretty accurately captured the culture of a catholic school, in my opinion. the catholic high school i attended was all-girls, unlike the school in this book, so there were some major differences to my experience, but some things are just catholic school specific in general.

there was one twist on expectations that i really enjoyed. i have to be really vague in order to not spoil it as this is a book i would recommend, but the majority of the book sets up the expectation that, if A happens, B will happen, and when thing A eventually happens the exact opposite of B happens.

a sky beyond the storm by sabaa tahir 📖 🌟🌟🌟🌟

finally finished this series! i finally understand why it's so popular and it's definitely become one of my favorite young adult fantasy series out there.

within minimal spoilers, there was a character who had made this magic deal with an ancient cosmic being, and this deal prevented them from ever truly interacting with the other characters again, beyond purely practical exchanges, and i wasn't 100% satisfied with how they got this character out of that deal. i think the solution came just a little bit out of left field.

overall, however, i think this was a great conclusion to a great series. i know the author is coming out with a spin-off series, and i don't know anything about it but i might look into things.

we set the dark on fire by tehlor kay mejia 📖 🌟🌟🌟🌟

this is a duology that i've heard a lot about from youtubers and bloggers recommending sapphic fantasy books, and i really enjoyed this first book!

i do think it could have potentially been more interesting if dani was just a little bit more truly devoted to medio and was so for just a little bit longer. like, she does kind of believe in the system at the beginning, but for the most part she's already disillusioned before the book even begins and only has a little bit she needs to learn and work through before she's fully committed to spying for the rebellion. i just think there could have been a little more to work with if she was more of a patriot, believing herself to be the exception to the rule in regards to medio's beliefs about people like her.

regardless i still enjoyed this and will for sure be picking up the second book.

a far wilder magic by allison saft 📖 🌟🌟🌟🌟

this is actually a reread! i first read this at the library either last year or very end of 2022, and i absolutely loved it! having now read all of allison saft's books currently out, i think it's safe to say i just love her writing. i especially love the absolutely gripping and unique atmosphere and setting she creates in every book. i feel completely sucked into the world she presents to the reader, and i'm super exited for her adult debut which, at the time of writing, comes out in just a few weeks!!

i love a far wilder magic, i think the two main characters are perfect for each other and are both really endearing to the reader in different ways. i remember when i read it for the first time the ending shocked me in a good way; the characters do something that i really wasn't expecting them to do but not in a way that felt out of left field.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 6 — Good Things Will Come

This week's entry was inspired by the endings in my life and how they've impacted me. Because of recent events, I've reflected on these moments from my past, and how I've faced and coped with saying goodbye to the things that hold significance in my life over the years. Hence, this is that story of my encounters.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

I've always struggled with endings. It's no shock considering how emotional of a person I am, but I've always found myself dealing with the impacts harder than those around me, as well as not being able to move on as quickly as others. There were times when people have asked me, "Why are you crying? It's not the end, we'll see each other again!" And I wouldn't know why I was crying either; it seemed like it wasn't that big of a deal to others, but I felt immense sadness about that period in my life coming to an end.

There were many instances I felt this way, some of which were self-explanatory, whereas others I felt like no one would be able to understand my perspective. From breakups to the end of primary school and high school, and most recently the end of foundation. Even if the experience I went through was more horrible than sweet, I still found myself grieving that phase. Moving on and accepting change was so difficult.

One of the most noteworthy experiences I had which changed my perspective was the transition from 2021 to 2023. After my mental health had suffered in 2021 due to the circumstances of the pandemic, 2022 turned out to be a really, really good (and mostly positive) year. I had such a good time making lots of incredible memories, so much so that bidding goodbye to the year was extremely difficult, especially since I knew that 2023 was going to be tough.

And indeed it was, I went through so many painful situations which challenged my persistence; so many times early in the year I wished I could just transport myself back to 2022. However, the year ended up being so much more than those moments of hardship. In fact, I got to meet so many friends from foundation who have such a special place in my heart, and go through the ups and downs of our first year in university together. It was then that I realised that saying goodbye to 2022 wasn't so bad, because although the good times had passed, there would always be more that would find me.

It was that realisation that had restored at least a little bit of my hope in life and gave me something to look forward to in the future. Knowing that there's no reason for me to be afraid or anxious about the good things in life; they will surely find me, and I am definitely deserving of it. Endings are inevitable and I will have to face them in order to grow and move ahead in life, but there will always be more friends to make, moments to experience, love to give and receive, and places to go. And with that, I feel a little more at ease and ready to tackle the changes in life. I hope to be able to embrace the journey that will lead me to wonderful things.

-

"Do not ask for something to be more than it can be right now. Instead, appreciate it for what it was, appreciate the lessons it grew within you, appreciate the beauty you were able to feel, and appreciate the fact that in those ways, in those memories, it will be yours forever." — a quote from my favourite author, Bianca Sparacino, that enabled me to cope with endings by remembering the good that was there throughout the journey, and recognising that those memories will forever be mine to keep.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! Spring Day has always been a song of comfort for me, especially when going through changes in life. The song explores lots of emotions, including those experienced when missing someone dearly as well as the changing of the seasons. For me, it is a reminder of hope during transitions in my life, whether good or bad, that better things are approaching and to have just a little more patience.

[amoveablejake]

Album of the Week: 'For McCoy' by Eiko Ishibashi

Stand out song: 'Ask me how I sleep at night'.

Today, as I was cycling back through my city, it suddenly dawned on me that yes, I had a flat tyre. And whilst a flat tyre is easily fixed and it isn't actually that much of a headache, a puncture does always throw me. Don't get me wrong, I don't get punctures all too often, but when I do they do throw me for a loop. I think thats because really, its trying to fit in getting the tyre fixed and replaced and working out how I will get around for the day or two that I don't have my bike. Really, truly, not end of the world stuff. But, sometimes when some things can be a little bit up in the air, a little something like a puncture can, for a moment, feel somewhat larger than it is. As I say, I know really that it is okay and it will be sorted tomorrow but for a moment it is such a drag that it slightly disrupts the rhythm and within that can throw off some other aspects too. One of those being that as I so often do, I turned to my music library to find a fitting album to help but I didn't really find one and this is something that happens with my music library every now and then. Despite having what I would refer to as my key songs, albums and artists it feels like I come up against a brick wall of what to engage with. I thought that I found a couple of tracks that felt like they were getting me back but they didn't quite click. So, I did what I always do in these circumstances and turned to Eiko Ishibashi's work but this time, it wasn't 'Drive My Car' that I pressed play on but instead 'For McCoy' and its masterful work within.

According to Spotify, my song of 2022 was 'Ask me how I sleep at night' from 'For McCoy' by Eiko Ishibashi and really, I don't think they were wrong. Because even though I listened to my music across different platforms and mediums throughout 2022, whether it was Bandcamp or Spotify, 'Ask me how I sleep at night' always was what was playing in my headphones. It was the defining song for me for 2022 and yet, it does not feel like the track is grounded in that year. The soundtrack for 'Drive My Car' which was my album of the year without a doubt, whilst I do still listen to it all the time, always feels very much 2022 which I suppose is more down to the memories associated with it of that initial discovery and those cold early months of the previous year. 'Ask me how I sleep at night' though has transcended this and rather than having immediate memories attached to it when I listen to it, it instead conjures up feelings of, well, feelings that help me to centre myself. To have my feet put back down on the ground again. It is, as far as songs go, priceless and invaluable to me.

'Ask me how I sleep at night' is a song of two halves. Its first half, whilst still being more down tempo, feels like it is building to something with its ongoing repetition and slight variations on its theme. It is good but it is not until the track evolves into its second half, as it truly is an evolution with how its sound grows and develops all of a sudden, that it becomes the beautiful tapestry of creativity within the jazz genre that it is. It is a song that for the most part feels like it is looking for its destination and when it does find it, it is at peace. There is a calmness that arises from it that is infectious. It is a song that teaches peace, and once it is in your system it is nigh on impossible to shake and really, why would you want to. When I get to the second half of this track, I do feel that wave wash over me, that reminder to be still and to be calm. It is a song that says, this too shall pass all the while reminding you to be present and to enjoy the peacefulness of this moment. Whilst, for me, it is the defining song of an artist, it still feels very pedestrian. It feels like it is a song for the everyday and one that I often picture everyday scenes in Japan unfolding to. With some of the finer things in life, whether that be iconic pieces of furniture, the good china or a highly collectible action figure, we tend to keep them at arms reach and look at them from afar. Not really engaging with them in the way that they deserve because afterall, they were designed for a purpose. 'Ask me how I sleep at night' is a song that could be kept at arms length. It could be kept for special occasions and to not fully engage with but truly, it deserves so much more. It deserves, no, needs you to enjoy it, to rip it from its box and to live with it. There are some songs that I know I would play on desert island discs, there are other songs that I know I could rattle off if someone asked me what my favourite songs were. But when it comes to 'Ask me how I sleep at night', I'm not sure if I would include it in either list. Not because I don't love it, but because I love it so much it feels more like a part of me and putting it on a list like that in a way would trivialise it. It would be like trying to put a feeling on those lists, you can't quite quantify it.

I'm listening to the second part of the track now and, well, quite simply, there are no words.

-Jake, a man forever listening to Eiko Ishibashi, 10/07/2023

[sukajunin]

What I learned from a 17-day trip to Vietnam (+ feats of a long distance relationship)

Not too long ago (but actually what felt like a very long time in the relationship space-time continuum), my partner of almost a decade moved to the UK temporarily to undertake his Master’s degree. Meanwhile, I am currently living in Sydney, Australia. At almost the opposite ends of the world, I wasn’t sure how I was going to cope with such distance.

A wise poet that I came across on Tumblr (ah, the good old days) once said that souls have no concept of clocks or calendars. They just know how it feels right to be with one another. Ironically, all I could think about was time and distance. I spend a big chunk of my day just calculating what time it is where he is. Besides, this had been our fourth time at doing long distance. Although it’s the furthest in mileage, it has been - by far - the easiest of all them (there are varying reasons as to why, but that’s for another time). 

This time around, we knew we had to do something different. He would be gone for almost a whole year, and there was no way we wouldn’t see each other physically in that time. With flights resuming to its normal schedules (and with steep fare prices to match), we decided to meet each other halfway in Vietnam.

We had discussed visiting Vietnam before, but it was just that: talk. But then, when we found ourselves very much apart, trying to make sure we were able to hear each other over Facetime, Vietnam became more and more of a tangible idea. Within a week of talking about it (and discovering Discord was far more superior than Facetime for reliable connection), we booked our flights in early November for a Christmas/New Year trip. It was probably the most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done. A holiday was the last thing on our minds - we were both going through some very new things in each of our lives at the time. But we just really, really, wanted to see each other. 

Then, on Boxing Day 2022 I found myself on one of the most beautiful approaches, arriving into Ho Chi Minh City. The plane banked left and right, almost as if it was following the river bends that coursed through the city. It felt like forever, being suspended maybe about 1000 feet high up in the air, gliding over blocks of orange-tinged-roofed houses and the vast rice paddy fields.

The immigration line was long, the lights were white but dim, and didn’t do any justice to making it welcoming. I’ll admit, it made me a bit nervous, but the airport was nothing like what the rest of the city was about to show me. Stepping out into the arrivals hall, I could feel the heat settle on my skin immediately. But coming from Sydney’s summer, it really wasn’t that much of a difference. My body wasn’t in a complete state of shock, but my mind was. From the moment I was outside, sounds and smells came at me from every angle - constant honking, people exclaiming, the smell of the hot pavement from the scorching sun. A far cry from the quiet, uneventful Sydney suburbs that I had just left. 

I walked towards the domestic arrivals, knowing that Axel would be arriving from Hanoi soon (he had to transit in the capital to meet me for our first leg of our trip). Conscious I was in a South East Asian country that I’ve never been to before, I constantly gripped my backpack to ensure that no one was going to try anything funny. It was like I was back in Jakarta again.

Axel was just about to land, so it would be another half an hour until he would come through the automatic doors of arrivals. I sat on the chairs, along with other people – local and foreign – waiting for either their family or friends to arrive. Funnily enough, I thought I would get stared at a lot, which is a strange anxiety of mine when I go back to Asia (also another story for another time). But that didn’t happen at all in Vietnam. Everyone minded their own business and I could wait for Axel without feeling self-conscious. 

In my few minutes of alone time, I found myself thinking about some horror stories that couples have when travelling together. Axel and I have been on flights together multiple times, and done domestic trips within Australia, but we’ve never actually travelled before. They say you’ll get to know your partner well from travelling together. When I could see him exiting the automatic doors of Arrivals, I stood up to greet him and I’ve never felt happiness like this before. My heart was here with me again and I knew that everything will be okay.

We found our hotel transfer and he took us to the car. He didn’t speak much English and we only pointed on the map as to where our hotel was. Axel was parched and his nose did bleed a little (sensitive boi), which happens when he experiences a drastic weather change. Coming from a wintry, 1-degree UK, the heat in Saigon was a warm welcome for him.

Checking into our room, I still felt like I was in a dream. Was I really with Axel right now, in Saigon, Vietnam, out of all the places we would meet? Never did I expect, nor did many others when I told them about our trip, that I would be in Vietnam over the Christmas holidays. We chose Vietnam 1) because it was almost half way between the both of us and 2) we’ve always loved Vietnamese food, culture, and it was affordable compared to the likes of other tourist-friendly Asian countries such as Japan or South Korea 3) we didn’t need any visas. But still, I thought we’d go somewhere a little more conventional for our first real overseas trip together. Regardless, in hindsight, I wouldn’t have wanted to go anywhere else.

Our introduction to Saigon was straight up a literal bang. The hotel room’s window was vibrating from the heavy bass of the clubs right down below, and we were already 10 stories up. Dorothy, we were definitely not in Sydney anymore. Jetlagged, we ate dinner at 1am and we were indecisive on where to eat because everything was still open and kicking. This is what my father would say, a good problem to have. Ice cold beers that cost me a fraction of a gold coin back home were still on tap, fresh seafood still available well into the late night. My inner foodie was rejoicing - I was in heaven on earth. 

Ultimately, the trip became our love letter to our regional identity of South East Asia. We couldn’t help ourselves to compare the country with Indonesia – our birth country that we are very familiar with. The differences between the two were almost minimal, with the exception that Vietnam is still very much a communist country, but some parts of their culture reflected Indonesia’s. Of course, their food is completely different and in a good way in all the ways (I’m still dreaming of the food and the affordability of it all) and people’s attitude varied, as well. Traffic was similar in terms of the number of vehicles, and how motorbikes rule the roads, but there was a strange harmonious flow that was ubiquitous throughout the whole country. Cars understood bikes, and bikes understood pedestrians. And the cycle can go in reverse and everything just worked.

We went from Saigon and worked our way up to Hanoi by stopping in Hoi An and Hue in between. It’s incredible how different the cities were, yet we enjoyed every moment (except for when Axel got a stomach bug in Hanoi so bad that we had to miss our flight back to Saigon). I think we both agree that Hoi An was our favourite – with its Old Town charms, the sleepy beachside lifestyle (sleepy because we went during their ‘winter’) and all-round tranquillity. Hoi An does mean peaceful town after all, so it was no surprise we found it a nice change from the bustling city life of Saigon. In fact, we loved it so much that we were even considering to get married there…

Then Axel proposed to me on the morning we were leaving Vietnam. We talked about it beforehand and it would be upsetting for the both of us if we went our separate ways empty-handed. Of course not literally, as the trip was fulfilling in every way imaginable, but more about our relationship and where we stood.

It wasn’t a surprise proposal (I did sort of choose my ring after all!), nor was it one that my naive younger self had dreamt about, but if there’s one thing I learned from this trip was that the best things - the most memorable things - happen unplanned. Axel and I are no strangers to planning out our lives in almost the ten years we’ve been together but sometimes it gets tiresome to see your plans fall through. Maybe to feel better, we need to plan less and see where it takes us. It’s not that we expect disappointment, but if we just become more flexible about our future, then maybe we can appreciate our present more. So the fact that his proposal to me was planned sans roses or candles on the floor did not matter. The fact that we had no one photographing our moment did not matter. The fact that we just woke up, without having showered, did not matter. All that mattered was that we were both in the same room and that we loved each other and know we will love each other forever.

Because another thing I’ve learned about being physically apart from my partner is that you have to appreciate the now. When it came to parting ways on our last day, it was hard. From the moment I landed in HCMC, I already started thinking on how I was able to say goodbye to him. We just had the most incredible trip and then it’ll all be stripped off like a bandaid when I wave at a general direction to where I last saw him standing, waiting for me, as I walk past the gates? It stung a little to see couples that were also just ending their trip, head on shoulder, waiting to board the plane. Finishing up a holiday is hard, but doing it alone is even harder. I wasn’t going to have my partner next to me on the plane, to cry, laugh, and reminisce about our trip. When we land back home, I wasn’t going to have him there to help with the post-holiday blues. 

In long distance relationships, you can never get over how difficult the ‘see-you-laters’ are. No amount of time is actually enough, especially 17 days in a country you both loved. As much as your other half might annoy you at times, you can’t take each other for granted. But sometimes you still do because it’s hard not to at times, and then you end up kicking yourself up about it. Truth is, any time we have is limited, but it is especially tricky to have efficient time management when the other half of your heart is 16,973 kms away from you.

I think both Axel and I found a deep appreciation for Vietnam and ASEAN as a whole after this trip. Just how close we were to other countries (my connecting flight from Singapore to HCMC was only an hour) felt nice. It’s different when you live in Sydney and the closest other country, apart from New Zealand, is Indonesia, my original home, and that is already a seven-hour flight. It was fun - and advantageous - to be mistaken as locals a lot of the time we were in Vietnam. It made us want to plan more holidays around the ASEAN region, where our racially ambiguous looks can help get us by even more. The more I think about it, the more I believe that maybe Asia is where I’d like to be. Maybe not now, but maybe once Axel and I have figured out more about what our life goals are, we will find ourselves exactly where we started out.

We learned a lot being in Vietnam for 17 days. I specifically learned a lot about their war-ridden history, and I have Axel to thank for that with his binging of the docuseries when we had downtime in our hotels. We learned how to navigate in a country that we couldn’t speak the language of. We were able to do it because we had each other (and Google Translate). We learned how to travel together and weren’t we so lucky that we had an engagement at the end instead of realising how we are terrible travel partners?

It’s no doubt that Vietnam will always have a special place in both our hearts. Apart from the trip itself, we agreed to become each other’s forever homes while we were there. You would think that we would quit long distance after we endured the hardest round, when in fact it’s safe to say that we will never do it again after experiencing our easiest round. Regardless of the circumstances, we will find a way not to be apart. 

It’s hard to imagine that I was dragging my small carry-on suitcase out of my Sydney apartment and catching the train to the airport, about to embark on a journey that I would have no idea that I would have. That at that moment, when I was on the train, that I would come back with memories of cycling on the peaceful streets along An Bang and Cua Dai beach. Maybe it was good that I didn’t have extremely high expectations of Vietnam (we planned, but we didn’t plan meticulously) and it turned out to be one of the greatest adventures ever with my best friend and partner for life. Even a week later, I was still dreaming about it, thinking about it. I couldn’t even stop watching videos about it, I don’t even want to watch anything else. Axel told me that if I keep telling our trip to others it will feel more real and that it wasn’t all just a dream. But what if I don’t want to? What if I want to keep the magic alive in my mind? Besides, they wouldn’t know how it really was… 

“You weren’t there, man!!”