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starstruckmiraclekitty · 2 years ago

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To Always Having Each Other's Backs

As requested, here is a part 2! Sorry if it isn't super great, I am still trying to get a feel for writing these! :)

Part 1 here:

I will be writing a Ghost version to this as well, and will have that out soon!

As always, if anyone has any ideas/ requests feel free to send them my way!!

Warnings: tears, angst, mentions of death

K/F/N-means Konig's first name!

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You awoke to blinding white lights, and the sounds of machinery beeping. You slowly opened your eyes, and moved your right arm to shield your eyes from the bright lights. As you adjusted to the light, you were able to better take in your surroundings. You were in the hospital on base, that much was clear. What wasn’t clear to you however, was how you got there. The memories leading up to your current state were a bit hazy, and difficult to parse through.

A soft snore startled you from your thoughts. You looked to the source, and saw Konig asleep in the chair next to you. His dirty blonde hair was disheveled, and he looked like he hadn’t shaved in weeks.

In admiring your lover, you failed to notice Ghost sitting in the corner of the room. He cleared his throat, and stood up from the chair he was sitting in.

“Hey there kiddo, how are you feeling?” He asked quietly as to not wake the sleeping giant next to you.

“Oh you know, just peachy.” You whispered, trying to find your voice. It felt like you hadn’t used your vocal chords in forever, your throat greatly protesting your efforts to speak.

Ghost must have noticed this, as he reached for the cup of water on your bedside table, and walked over to your side helping you take a sip from it.

“God that helps, thank you. How long have I been here?” You asked, nervous for what the answer may be.

“3 weeks, it was touch and go for awhile, bastard barely missed a vital organ, but the damage took a toll on you, Y/N. Poor lad over here has barely slept since the ordeal, and rarely leaves your side. Price had to beg him to go take a shower the other day, and nearly lost an eye for it.” Ghost chuckled, recalling the memory.

“Would’ve liked to see that argument.” You said laughing softly. You looked over at your sleeping lover, and smiled to yourself. Your heart swelled at the fact that he hadn’t left your side, though you wished he would’ve taken care of himself a bit better.

“I’m going to go let the boys know you’re awake. They will be elated that you're back to the world of living.” Ghost said, starting to walk to the door.

“Thank you, L.T.” You replied, giving the man the best smile you could muster.

“I’ve told you kid, it's Simon off the field.” His mask moved up slightly once he said this, letting you assume he had a matching smile under his balaclava.

“Copy, Simon sir.”

Ghost rolled his eyes and chucked, walking out of the room. You took this opportunity to look back at your lover. You shifted slightly, to get a better look, and in doing so a sharp pain emitted from your abdomen. “Shit.” you gasped loudly, unable to hold the groan of pain in.

At this, Konig’s head snapped up immediately. “Liebe? You’re awake!” he said immediately reaching out to touch you. “Don’t move too much, you’re still healing.”

“Hey, you. Sorry I didn't mean to wake you.” You said reaching out to grab his hand which was resting on your leg.

“Nonsense, you should’ve woken me the minute you were up. How are you feeling?” He asked.

“I’m as good as I can be, and you?” You asked, knowing there was something he wanted to say.

“Y/N, you scared the shit out of me. Never do that again. You could’ve called out to me, I could have taken care of it. That was just…liebe.. That was too close. I truly thought I was going to lose you.”

At this, you remembered everything. The mission, the clearing of the building, and the man that was going to attack your lover. You took the knife that was meant for him.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t think at that moment, it was pure instinct. I saw him going for you, and I needed to protect you.” You said tearing up. “We promised to have each other’s backs, that’s what that means.”

“NO! Not like that, you could’ve called for me! You could have used your gun? Why didn’t you use your gun?” He yelled, his voice booming.

You shrunk into yourself at his words. You knew there had been other options, but in the heat of the moment, none of those options came to mind. You saw your lover's life being threatened, and you had to jump into action to save it.

“K/F/N, I would do it again. I am sorry it happened the way it did, but I will not apologize for protecting you.”

At his real name he looked over at you, the anger in his eyes suddenly diminishing. He understood why you did it, he truly did. He just could not forgive himself for being the cause of your potential death. It was an emotion so overwhelming for him, he was having a hard time getting through it.

“Y/N.” He said, unable to form any other words that would express what he was thinking.

“Come here, schat.” You reached out to him, wanting him closer to you.

He leaned forward and kissed you softly. You could feel everything he was trying to say to you, in the way that he kissed you. You cupped his cheeks and pulled away slowly.

“I love you, Konig.”

“I love you too Liebe, always.” He said, finally smiling for the first time since you had woken up.

You were about to pull him in for a hug, when Soap, Ghost, Gaz and Price came barreling into the room.

“THEY'RE AWAKE!” Soap yelled, coming over to your bed.

“Poor kid probably doesn’t need you bursting her ear drums, Johnny. Has enough to deal with.” Ghost scolded the scotsman.

You smiled to yourself at this. You were happy to finally be awake, surrounded by the men who have come to be your family.

“Glad to be back in “the world of living” as Simon lovingly put it.” You said chuckling lightly.

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*TWO WEEKS LATER*

You had been discharged a few days after waking up, and you were glad to finally be out of that stuffy hospital room. It felt good to stretch your legs, and get fresh air you were so desperately craving.

Konig had insisted on taking you out on a date tonight. You didn’t get any specifics, other than he got permission to go into the city with you for the night. He told you he’d pick you up at your room at 7pm sharp.

Looking in the mirror, you were finishing up putting on some light makeup. Your skin had lost some of its natural color from your time in the hospital, and you wanted to brighten up your face, and look a bit more recognizable again.

You heard a knock at your door, and looking at the clock on your vanity, you saw it was 7PM exactly. If Konig was anything, it was punctual.

You opened the door, and he looked down at you beaming. “ You look beautiful, schat.” He said leaning down to give you a kiss on the cheek.

Blushing, you grabbed his hand, and let him lead you to your date.

He took you to a little diner that a few members of his team had told him about. He knew you loved comfort food, so he figured this would be the perfect place to take you. You both were there for what felt like hours. Conversation flowing naturally, and you felt yourself falling even deeper in love with him. This night was just what you needed to get back into high spirits, and to introduce a sense of normalcy into your relationship again.

After dinner, you guys were strolling alongside the river hand in hand, enjoying the night sky, when you guys stopped before a small bench.

“Thank you, for tonight. It was nice to get out and enjoy your company, away from the hustle and bustle of base.” You said squeezing his hand.

“Of course, Liebe.” He replied, suddenly getting nervous.

You smiled at him, and looked back up to the night sky. You felt his hand let go of yours, and thinking nothing of it, you continued looking up.

“I always loved looking at the stars. Makes me feel so small, but in a good way? If that makes sense?” You asked, chuckling.

Receiving no response, you looked over to your lover, only to see that he was on one knee on the ground.

“Oh! Oh my god!” You cried, throwing your hands to your mouth. Tears started to prick at the corner of your eyes.

“Y/N, the love of my life. If the last month has taught me anything, it’s not to take anything for granted. The moment I thought you possibly would be taken from me, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer to ask you this. I love you more than words could ever express. You have made me a better man, a man that I truly always wanted to be. If you’d give me the chance, I promise to always have your back, and make you the happiest person I can.. Y/N will you marry me?”

You were fully crying at this point, so overwhelmed with the love for the man kneeling before you.

“YES! Of course, of course I will marry you. YES!” You exclaimed. You threw yourself into him, knocking the two of you fully on the ground.

Smiling possibly the biggest smile you’d ever seen on him, he pulled you into a passionate kiss.

“I love you, always Y/N. I can't wait to marry you.” He said breathlessly as he pulled away after a few moments.

“And I love you, Schat. To always having each other's backs.” You said cupping his cheeks.

“To always having each other’s backs”

#konig imagine #konig x reader #konig mw2 #konig cod #cod imagine #simon riley x reader #mw2 imagine #simon ghost riley x reader

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sol-consort · 27 days ago

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Cyberpunk progress so far

I met the most drop-dead gorgeous npc in the history of npcs and did a photoshoot

I've only attended like 2 or 3 ceromones so far but

I've decided that this man will be my sugar baby from now on and the donation money is just his daily allowance, I'll keep giving him as much as the game allows me too, he's MY babygirl <3

Talking about money, I've collected a shitton from doing everything but the main quest progression, like 51k so far. Went back to pay my ripper and...

when I first started I thought it'd be cool not to have any cybernetics at all, like just a fully organic human and do badass shit. But when offered the choices of any amount of chromes I could afford when paying the doc, I couldn't resist the temptation

apparently, I'm the type of person who'd fully stuff themselves with cybernetics at the first given chance. I plan to go even higher.

I'm sure there is a correlation somewhere between living with chronic pain, a weak immune system, an uncooperative body, and general fatigue & fainting to becoming "synthetics ROCK fuck my fleshy mortal prison" type of person pipeline.

So now we know what my fate would be in cyberpunk, neat.

No game breaking glitches, but there have been funny moments every now and then. Like this npc who died in the "praise the sun" position. Or that one time I summoned my car and it fell out of the sky, upside down, onto the nearby parking spot. I tried to flip it over but I couldn't so I just gave up and walked the distance.

Walking in this game is genuinely super fun? You always find something new. Not necessarily a mission, but just general interesting things to see. Like that one time I saw a guy abusing his gf near my apartment and I beat him up, or that other time I was driving home and came across a police/gang shootout. The ads never disappoint, so global warming is in effect and still taking a massive toll on the planet, whole countries are flooded, and the media's reaction is to celebrate opening the first android sex club in Antarctica.

When the TV segment is something I've seen before, I just look at the ads!

Like this one ad about a whole mechanical unicorn oh my god fuck me that is the most cyberpunk thing ever. I was so excited and imagined riding it on the street instead of a motorcycle, does it also gollap like a horse? Is there a knight outfit I can wear? this is so fucking cool please let it be a real mount I can buy. I want my robot pony and I want it NOW!

And then.

I noticed the horn moving a little too... much.

They weren't selling a robot horsie motorbike.

I was doing a mission and came across this view

I was genuinely shocked. What kind of sick individuals would tie a guy to the window and leave he starve to death? What a poor fella, what a horrible way to die. These goddamn gangs are so disgusting. Were they torturing him??

But then, when I went outside a second time, I recalled a very familiar window.

Oh.

This is the window where I killed some rando punk before going in.

They didn't do this to him.

I did.

I've also met the hottest woman alive, I want her, I NEED HER. When she yelled at me and called me bitch after her goon bonked my head, I swear my heart fluttered.

I took her money, of course I did! I would've taken a strand of her hair if only she'd allow it. Hell a used tissue would be welcomed as well.

But I didn't use the money, I just killed the guy instead :)

Because

It's HER money, It's a priceless souvenir. I'm keeping it with me at all times.

He called me princess, what a fucking creep.

I'm not paying for something I can steal I'm not an idiot

I want the extra xp

Jackie looked at me like a kicked puppy when I told him to sit down, that scum was as good as dead the second he started harrasing MY BROTHER.

And if you're wondering how my sniper build is going. HORRIBLY, that's how it's going. I'm like a captain with no ship, a spider with no prey, a tiger with no claws. I haven't found a single fucking sniper since I started and I'm lvl11 now. I've visited different shops multiple times and not one of them sells a sniper? I've been rocking with a pistol and it's super embarrassing. I feel like an action movie barely clothed woman side kick who's only given a pistol to carry in that dumb hands raised next to her head stance while the main coolguy protag has TWO rocket launchers on his shoulders with a big obnoxious grin.

Lastly, I figured out you can swim! That was a pleasant surprise. And it's not just empty water. There are kelp and algea growing in there. Haven't stumbled upon any fish yet, but the thrown trash and electronics in the water might be the answer to why.

I'm currently at the heist part of the main mission, I went back home and changed V's hairstyle, haircolour, and eyes for full immersion since it's undercover and all.

#☆other fandoms #��cyberpunk

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oskidontle · 6 months ago

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Heya just discovered your AU recently and I'm really enjoying it I have some questions though 1. how did this start off? Like how did the hunger start manifesting and what were the very first signs? 2. is Mr boss evil? 3. what do the others think of the fact that pim starves himself of flesh? Do they encourage him to eat Orr? 4. Can they still eat normal food? And if so do they have like a strong adversion to it orr? 5. Who did the hunger take the biggest toll on mentally 6. Are you planning on making some sorta comic or some other to tell your story I'm pretty sure there's a story here but mabye I'm wrong idk 7. How'd you come up with the designs for their hunger forms and the AU in general?

OG AU Post for the confused

1. The very first signs are subtle enough no one notices, not even themselves. The only evidence something is off is animals start to steer clear. Maybe they sense something more instinctual, feral, about their aura? Scent maybe? However it is, animals with their superior senses know something is wrong.

They didn't start noticing anything themselves until they started to see things in the mirror for just slight glimpses. Glimpses of something but they could never make out what.

It's only days from there when the cravings start. But many times someone can crave something and not know what it is they crave until they find it. As you can imagine, because of this, each of their first hunts were unexpected. As such, people can get caught in the crossfire. Important people.

It was unlucky that Pim had to learn what he was craving when he did.

2. Mr. Boss is not evil. But he has a job to do, one that he has been tending to for many years. 18 years to be precise. He hopes to complete his job soon enough.

3. Allan and Glep care but they don't try to stop him. Instead they just check up on him often, bring some drinks, normal food. They don't really know how to approach him in a way they perceive as meaningful.

Charlie despite his desperation for a way to fix all of it still encourages Pim to eat. He reasons with him that there is no point in Pim or any of them starving themselves. After all it always ends the same way, a loss of control and an inevitable rampage. Why loose control and possibly hurt someone you don't want to hurt, when at the very least the hunt let's you know the victim ahead of time.

It's not much of a compensation. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Unfortunately it's his own choice at the end of the day.

4. They can eat normal food, in fact they still have to. The Hunger has just added another part to their diet that their body perceives as crucial for survival.

5. That's hard to answer, depends on what you put value on in this toll. In my opinion I'd say it's either Glep or Pim.

6. Maybe, maybe not. If I'm honest I don't know yet. I might make occasional snippets of moments I imagine happening. They wouldn't be in chronological order, just whenever I feel like making them. If I don't make a master post later on then I would leave the chronological order left for any interested to piece together using context clues I leave throughout different posts.

Like I said, this is a big maybe. Ideally I would make a fic but I have never been able to finish a single chapter of a fic in my life. I loose focus too easy.

I have a story to tell but I suppose I haven't decided how I want to tell it

7. If you want me to be truly honest, I didn't think that much. I built lore after designs. I wanted them each to have a sort of gimmick going on while being kinda cohesive simultaneously. I also knew I didn't want to go with a hyper detailed or overly realistic look.

In-universe they probably look terrifying but to you or I, they look just kinda uncanny. A little gross.

After making the initial designs I started to come up with lore and adjusted details accordingly.

As for why I came up with it?

Two words: For fun! :)

#smiling friends #oskireplies #hungrysmilersau

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tadpoleponders · 2 months ago

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AFTG Annotated Playlist: Song #1

Song: Head in the Wall by Ethel Cain

Author's Notes: I picture this song being Andrew at his lowest points, and this song in general is a really intense one so reader discretion advised!

TW for SH, gun violence, drug usage, SA

THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING I WANNA HEAR YOUR (polite!!!) THOUGHTS!! Please keep in mind this is just my interpretation of Andrew and this song, not everyone's or even the artist's at all. This is gonna be a series, and I promise the rest aren't going to be such a sucker punch in the heart!

Lyric analysis under the cut. Any lines not applicable to the scenario/character are strikethrough.

"Sometimes you make me wanna put my fucking head through the wall Sometimes I wonder if I even know you at all Fall asleep to the sound of your old rotating fan I cut the fuck out of myself and soaked the bed sheets with blood again"

A lot of this song I think is Andrew either talking to either Drake or Cass herself. We know Andrew used to sh as a way to cope with Drake's abuse, hence the last line. I think he also wondered if Cass really loved him if she didn't notice he was being abused, hence the second line. Obviously, he didn't know what normal family dynamics are supposed to be like as we know he was seven when something bad happened for the first time, but he was so desperate to be loved even just a normal amount from a parental figure that he was willing to put up with VIOLENT assault to just have a shred of safety under Cass's wing.

[Verse 2] I hold my head underwater just to drown out the noise It's always my fault, girls will be bitches and boys will be boys I know I don’t need you, but I'm terrified of letting you go Even after all the times you fucked the shit out of me while I was crying, "No"

Line one I think can be metaphorical in that Andrew tried to cope with things like alcohol, sh and nicotine that aren't beneficially in the end, hence holding ones head underwater, something that can very quickly kill you. The second line doesn't quite apply as the singer is a woman so she says girls will be bitches, but the boys will be boys thing echoes to what Luther probably said to him when Andrew tried to tell him about his abuse. Line three is in reference to Cass, Andrew thinking he doesn't really need her and knowing that it's probably safest to be entirely alone, but still inside being that scared child who just needs his mom. Line four is pretty explanatory again, talking to Drake, saying how he would put up with it if it mean he could stay with Cass.

[Verse 3] And how am I supposed to feel good about myself when everything I do is wrong? When I'm just an ugly bitch, a fucking freak, and I don't wanna go on? And I don't wanna leave my house, 'cause I know everybody’s staring at me now "Why the hell am I alive?" is what they think, they wanna take me down

Line one and two can be read as things Andrew feels because of the abuse in all of the houses he's been in. He's the only common denominator, so there must be something wrong with him, not the families. Obviously, it took enough of a toll on him he needed substances and sh to cope especially after Drake. The last two lines are in reference to the paranoia that comes with being abused, especially with mental illness thrown in. Whether Andrew was given his medicine for psychosis or if that was just the plea deal doesn't matter, being that abused for so incredibly long makes you so much more likely to develop mental illness and he def has something going on outside of PTSD. Either way, him believing others are out to get him in his roughest moments is why he's so vigilant anyway even if it is warranted sometimes.

[Chorus] And I can't get out, can’t run away, there's no escaping you now (There's no escaping you now) I'm gonna die all alone next to you in this piece of shit town And we've been cursed since the start, Jesus didn’t want us, no And you take all of your sins out on my body like everyone else does Shooting up our old school when we get bored of shooting up And fuck the cops, and fuck God, and fuck this town for ruining us And they'll put holes in all we own and in our heads, pumped full of lead You always told me I could only leave you once we're both dead

There's a lot to unpack here. One, no matter how far away he gets from any of his abusers, he can't escape what happened and the memories of it. Second line, I think at some point in the abuse Andrew must've thought Drake was going to kill him, and that night in Columbia he probably thought it was the end. And in a way, a really fucked up one, he did die right next to Drake, the last of his soul shattering into pieces like Drake's skull, in the piece of shit town of Columbia, in the place he wasn't ever believed.

The next lines I think are towards Renee, whose faith got her through rough times but that Andrew never benefitted from. You could also argue that even though it seems like Andrew initiated their sparring sessions and that it's consensual, I wonder if Andrew ever found the irony of her hurting him (and to be fair him her) as a way to cope, hence taking out ones sins on anothers' body.

I'd argue that the fuck this town part of the next line can be changed to fuck the system for ruining us, in reference to Renee and Andrew again.

The last line is Andrew's reflection on something Drake would've said to him (conjecture, but like it seems like something an abusive piece of shit would say) in a fucked up echo to maybe Cass saying the same thing when Andrew asked about the adoption potentially being permanent and him not having to leave, and she replies "You only have leave us when you die."

[Outro]

Sometimes you make me wanna put my fucking head through the wall Sometimes I wonder if I even knew you at all

*cries* okay thanks guys that's my cue to go sob until I'm a snotty mess about these characters I love Andrew and Renee so much they're so special to me.

#aftg annotated playlist #aftg #all for the game #andrew minyard #renee walker #nora sakavic #the foxhole court #im not liable for any emotional damage this causes im SORRYYYYY

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yuri-is-online · 10 months ago

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I was scrolling through older Yuu angst posts and remembered the “Yuu isn’t Yuu’s name” and “Yuu snapping” posts. I started bouncing some ideas around in a couple of different scenarios and now I have random (and somewhat disconnected) thoughts to dump. Do what you will with these haha.

1. What about tossing those in with the whole time loop mess? I believe that the extra attention paid to Yuu in a time loop scenario would bring the isolation and loneliness Yuu feels a little more into the spotlight. This could provide some fun reactions to how much Yuu actually suffered before meeting an unfortunate end.

2. Would any of the boys be able to have some semblance of a normal relationship with Yuu again after the time loop? Assuming they can break it, the mental toll of watching Yuu repeatedly die would have to screw with them somehow. Especially in the cases that resorted to more unhinged ways to keep Yuu safe.

3. It’s a little sad to think how Grim and his personality serves as a liability of sorts for Yuu. It can’t be easy to try to spend time with your classmates when you have to corral what’s essentially a child 24/7. Especially when you are still learning the ropes of a new world yourself. I wonder if there moments where Yuu almost resents him.

-🦐

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I think that depends on who is aware of the timeloop and if they ever found out Yuu's real name. If it was Yuu I could see them making a sort of persona out of "Yuu" to help them survive the turmoil of never getting a break, whereas if it was one of the boys... Ace immediately comes to mind... I could see that really messing with them as they are forced to realize just how messed up Yuu's situation is. Would they go and get Yuu's real name? Would they break and admit why they know and beg Yuu to work with them, to trust them, because all they want is to keep you safe? Could you even accept that?

I'd like to think so? I'm thinking about Uyoko Amnesia and his happy ending and he manages it just fine (eventually) but I do think there would be an adjustment period. The nightmares, the tragedy of all of it, the weight of your dead body in his arms... he would need a moment to pull himself together and know that's not real anymore, which would be easier for some of them than others. I don't think the nightmares would ever fully go away though.

You can pick certain dialogue options to be snippy with him, but if I'm honest I feel really bad for Grim. Yuu is seen as a person, even if their vulnerabilities aren't noticed, but Grim is only really seen as a person through his connection with Yuu. We don't know if he will get to stay at school if they leave, and no one else really has the option to be supportive of him and his goals to be a great mage. There certainly is room for that older sibling resentment, for Yuu to hate that they need to be there for Grim when an adult should really be parenting both of them, but there isn't one. It's just Yuu and Grim against a world that really seems to hate you.

As a side note, there is a lot of dialogue that suggests Grim does stuff on his own without Yuu, so I don't think that it's too much of a jump to think Yuu does get some time to themselves to explore. You can say you've been to Craneport before in the Portfest event and it will imply you have been there without Grim, so while it might be hard it isn't unrealistic, and honestly that relieves me. Yuu deserves a break.

#<3 asks #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #shrimp annon #that older sibling resentment for grim hits too close to home for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee #i get it #but i do wonder if it would be different for someone if they didn't have fundie parents like mine framing their mindset on it

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cookiescraems · 2 months ago

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tsukikage fairytale/royalty au

where prince tobio is trapped in a tower by dragon shapeshifter and warlock kei except it's actually tobio demanding kei to keep out all of the intruders while he tries to find a way to get those corrupt lords out of his kingdom

kei's less bothered about being branded a villain because he's already used to it being a shapeshifting warlock. he's more miffed about being ordered around by this high and mighty prince he likes to piss off by calling king

kei: and that is the eighth knight in shining armor they're sending to rescue you tobio: mmhm. now breathe some fire on their path so they don't come any closer kei:

one time kei nearly burned down noblemen hinata and oikawa because they wanted to help their friend tobio and the 2 of them were so shocked to see their friend slapping the dragon with the magic staff kei used because the warlock couldn't hear tobio telling him no

in kei's defense, the trespassers were really annoying and hinata's voice was grating on kei's ears

tkkg's first meeting was tobio barging in the manor kei was staying in and immediately going to business by saying "i want you to kidnap me" and kei's either stunned or had his first laugh of the week or both of them. he told tobio to leave him and go back to his fancy palace

high society really thought their poor and precious prince was held captive by the big bad dragon/warlock while the commoners are welcoming kei and tobio in their weekly dinner in their villages

the commoners are actually convinced that their prince tobio left the palace to elope with his one true love aka kei which is funny because everytime they see the "couple" they're always one step away from biting each other's heads off

speaking of, i imagine that kei didn't have a good reputation because 1) his serpentine eyes are hella scary 2) he has magic 3) he literally lives in an abandoned manor with a high tower surrounded by a huge moat

tobio was the one who helped improve his reputation (which also helped improve his reputation among the common people)

and now the people understand that their local shapeshifting warlock is actually just a hermit

tobio doesn't like that kei's purposely shutting himself out because it was a waste of his potential and talents in magic

what if their actual first meeting was during when they were kids and tobio's just a little prince who wanted to see more of the kingdom so he snuck out with nobody noticing but he ended up getting lost and he got help from warlock in training kei

and after that, kei couldn't shake off the years long curiosity of the princ who badly wanted to see the world outside of the palace and noble society. he thought it's stupid he kept on thinking about tobio when they were worlds apart and would never see each other again

at least that's what he believed until that same prince he had helped barged in on his living space and demanded to be helped once more

ANYWAY the ending is that after a grueling battle and tkkg nearly dying (gotta keep up with the death toll i have for them),they managed to stabilize the kingdom. tobio lets miwa ascends the throne while he "elopes" with kei.

tobio decides to move closer to commoners because he realizes that he prefers helping his people directly like all the times he has done during his times of "captivity". so kei's manor now has 1 more permanent resident yipeee

this au came to me bc it was during misterms szn when i started typing this, an image of half dragon kei hugging tobio from behind with his arms and his big dragon wings, and because i remembered the popular dragon trope of them being possessive with their belongings so....

i also have this wild and incredibly self-indulgent image of kei going feral when the corrupt nobles kidnapped tobio from kei's estate and hid him to 'execute' him for his crimes

and by feral i meant that kei barged into the imprisonment where they locked tobio in and slayed everybody with just his strength and rage alone no magic

#anyway that's all i love this au so much but sadly i don't think i'll be able to write this huhu #tsukikage #tsukishima x kageyama #tsukishima kei #kageyama tobio #haikyuu #jenn writes #originally from my twitter of course

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kelocitta · 2 years ago

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Any tips for leaving Artificer's starting area,,,, I went both ways and been killed by Scav gangs like a dozen times... I'm trying so hard to be braver and it's backfiring

Okay so artificers campaign is rough if your not used to dealing with scavengers- you have to be ready to engage a fight because scavenger squads do not leave you alone (this is where the bombs come in, the cost of making an explosive is paid back when you actually kill with them) the way most predators will when you start running away. (More under cut)

1) You want to head to the right starting off. The starting gate is rough but its really to prep you for scavenger fights along with getting you used to the second mechanic of Artificer (if you havent noticed, there's always a dead scavenger in one spot because its communicating significance. The left has a toll and while you can get through those, thats a big choke point to immediately deal with.) Also if you've made it to the shelter to the right, you go up from that. You've probably already noticed it but I have bad eyesight and it was hard for me to see so thats where you wanna head. 2) bombs are great for groups while spears are good for picking off individuals. When an explosive spear blows up, you lose the spear but gain rubble that can be used for a bomb. Scavengers who have their own bombs are now SUPER GREAT because you can't be killed by explosions (only stunned. Explosive spears are still spears) and they can set off large blasts in their own group. Just be aware that in an explosion scavengers to the sides will likely only be stunned, not killed, so even if the entire group blows up be ready for at least one to potentially get back up. 3) try and get yourself to vantage points where possible. Pipes and corners are good, because scavengers arent armored you can pick them off as long as you can hit them, and the biggest issue is being overwhelmed by numbers. You can also make spears in pipes without leaving them if theres chaos on screen, in prep. 4) slug senses is great for noticing off-screen scav gangs and keeping track of the individuals in the room. This can help you avoid getting sniped. Also listen for clacking noises, theres a certain sound that scavengers walking around make. Throwing a bomb offscreen if you think there are scavs coming towards you can be surprisingly rewarding. Threat visual pulse is also probably very usefully for immediately detecting that scavs are in the area. 5) if your trying to flee or dodge, try going up rather than to the sides. Artificer's bomb jumping means you can get into the air or on high ledges that are much harder for scavengers to access or target spears at faster than they can climb to them. Just be aware you can only use this safely about three times before Artificer starts overheating (will stun themselves next blast) so dont hit it too rapidly. 6) holding down will change the blast from a booster to a small AOE stun. Its a short period, but it can buy you time. I don't think it can parry spear throws, but it can stop grabs or bites. 7) If your good at dodging, Scavs can easily end up disarmed by throwing everything they have at you. Scavs that dont have any items can not hurt you and are easy prey, so tracking how many "shots" a scavenger has before its only option is run can be helpful. Just make sure that theres no other spears on the ground for them. When there is only one, you can also try getting in close with the bomb jump and stealing the weapons from them directly (and then immediately using it on them) 8) Predators of scavs are your friends now. Thats free wasted spears and focus off you (if your careful) Artificer having 24/7 bomb access means a lot of predators are super killable (because they're not designed to survive the relatively rare bombs) even big ones like vultures or centipedes. Scavengers are strong because they aren't alone, but many threats are only one or two "targets" and can be taken out in one bomb spear or regular bomb. 9) I found "Scavenger kill squad leniency" to be a very helpful toggle for Artificer. I played most of the campaign without it, but eventually got tired of having multiple deaths directly outside the shelters. It doesn't make things easy, but having that extra bit of time to make progress or get to a vantage point made things way more interesting for me! All it does is give you a small window to prevent most scavenger attacks at the cycle start or entering a region- helpful if your getting overwhelmed too quickly to feel fun. And finally... DEATH IS FREE! In a normal campaign deaths lower your karma but Artificer has no karma to lose! They're already at a big fat karma one! So remember that everything is just about being as stubborn as possible and you only lose progress to the next shelter on death rather than karma progress for the gates. So its just about putting your head to the wall and going for it rather than surviving everything.

Hope that helps!! Artificer is a rough start but as soon as things open up they become insanely fun because of the platforming options. The starting zone is really a sort of trial by fire and dumps you in the deep end so that you know exactly what your up against.

#ask #Hopefully this looks right because tumblr did NOT want me posting my advice #it took 4 tries

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kpopimagi · 1 year ago

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A Flower Under The Rain [Part 6]

Characters: Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Kang Gyuri (OC) Genre: Angst, Romance Au: Hanahaki!Au Type: Series Word count: 8,518

It all began with a cough and then, a subtle sting in her chest. Kang Gyuri cried, knowing that in a matter of months, she would be another figure in the death toll of the most dangerous and cruelest outbreak in human history.

He tucked his hair behind his ear, and it was such an innate characteristic of his beauty that no one else could have a more fitting trait. He smiled, looking straight into her eyes while beautiful memories plagued her dreams. Her body was suddenly flooded with emotions, the heat burned her cheeks, and the hopes of love deprived her of air to the point of waking her up. Terrified that someone was literally sitting on her chest to suffocate her, the more and more she tried to breathe, the tighter the chokehold in her throat was. Gyuri opened her eyes, confused to discover that she was blind. She tried opening them, again and again, only to realize her eyes were already open, but everything around her was pitch dark. In an attempt to move, she was suddenly aware that her body felt heavy and sticky, and as if tied down to the bed, it didn't matter how hard she racked to free herself; she just couldn’t.

Gyuri screamed and cried for help, but all her efforts got stuck in her throat. Light stormed on around her so suddenly that she had to blink the tears off and find herself surrounded by the familiarity of the pastel-colored walls of her room. Her father was first to come running inside to pull her out of bed and hold her, facing the floor to pat her back. The gagging was instant, she coughed and gurgled as her father kept patting her back in an attempt to help her breathe, but it wasn’t working. Her lungs felt frozen, they hurt, unable to get more air, and her line of vision blurred with even more tears. Amid the scorch in the center of her chest, she heard an apology, followed by a hard struck between her shoulder blades, and then it burned her. Whatever was stuck on her lungs burned its way out of her body, and she suddenly had a red blob of flower petals fall from her mouth to her hands. She dropped it, disgusted at the pulsing heat emanating from it and the way it fell apart, trickling down through her fingers. With the knot in her throat suddenly gone, she gasped for air. However, as soon as she did, the coughing started again. No matter how much she wanted to stop, Gyuri ended up throwing up more bright red flower petals until the floor around her was soon covered with them.

Never, in her entire life, had Gyuri yelled at her parents. There was no scenario in her head in which she could be angry enough to violate them in such a way, but she wasn't herself then. The surge of unexplainable urgency and desperation that took over her body was stronger than anything she had ever felt before. Just by listening to her father's gags and seeing her mother covering her face was like a fuse that sent her in an almost rage-like frenzy. Gyuri squirmed her way out of her father’s hold, kicking and choking as flower petals made her gurgle and tremble in pain. With a burst of strength she knew was not natural, she practically yelled and pushed her parents out of the room.

“Go away!” Gyuri cried, shutting her bedroom door on their faces and locking it before collapsing to the floor, “Leave me alone.”

That only made her parents cry harder. Her mother fell into full-blown hysterics, desperately banging the door and her father, as calm as he could, tried to stop her. Gyuri could listen to them on the other side, and consciously ignoring their pleas, managed to make her bawl her eyes out in misery. Eventually, they stopped, and so did the coughing. Her breathing leveled out, but Gyuri had no strength left to move, so she stayed there, spent and defeated. The moment she noticed her pajamas stuck to her skin with a substance that left a red tint smearing everything it touched, caused her to cry even more. The first episode and its symptoms felt mild and like nothing compared to the brutal rush of sweetness that she just went through. Suddenly, the disease felt as grave and as threatening as it came. From the thirst and the disgust palpable on her tongue and skin; to the guilt of her horrible screams against her parents and the terrifying trail of stomach juices and flower petals she left from her bed to the door and the most haunting one, to the echo of her mother, begging her to let her in.

Exhausted, Gyuri couldn’t find the strength to move but realizing that the noises on the other side of the door were practically nonexistent, she stood up even if her legs almost gave out under her weight. Utterly disgusted by the scene in front of her, she was driven by an unknown urge and grabbed the first thing that came to her mind to clean the revolting mess on her bedroom’s floor. Pulling a bedsheet, she cleaned the surface, getting as many flower petals as she could under the fabric. Her stomach churned at the sensation of the soft petals getting stuck to her skin and leaving that sickening red tint behind as if the curse wanted her to see just how powerful and dominant it was. She noticed one petal stuck to her wrist, and as she tried to get rid of it, she’d found a couple more over her arms. Tears fell down her cheeks again as she tried desperately to get every single petal off her skin but when she realized she even had them stuck to her neck, to her chest, and even on her stomach, she couldn't bear it any longer. Staggering her way to the bathroom and stumbling into the shower, Gyuri practically ripped her clothes off and scrubbed every inch of her body, desperate to get rid of the red stains that seemed to be engraved into her flesh. After what felt like forever and until she felt clean again, she came into her room to find what looked like a murder scene. By the time she finished mopping and scrubbing the floor, the sky outside her window wasn't pitch black anymore, and her body screamed at her for rest. She eyed her bed for a moment but falling asleep felt like a trap. She wasn't safe in her dreams anymore, and she focused on something different.

As tired as she was, Gyuri's mind was suddenly reeling. She had an idea and knew people did that particular thing and the simple thought of actually doing it felt like an overly romantic idea. Now that she was considering it, it seemed too dark all of a sudden but she felt compelled to do it. Decided, she sat down by her desk, pulled a memo pad, and ripped off a page. She had made up her mind to do it but by the time she had a pen in her hand, she simply stared at the empty page with her mind suddenly blank. For a moment, and it was so fast but the blank page looked beyond scary. It wasn’t exactly the emptiness of that sheet of paper that mirrored what was inside her, that scared her. She hadn’t realized before but as she looked around her desk, most of the stationary placed around her were all flowered-themed. Chuckling at the irony, she could only agree that the cute flowers printed everywhere were only fitting for her situation but regretted it quite instantly.

After the coughing fit, her body ached. Her chest hurt, and her throat throbbed even by doing something as simple as swallowing. Gyuri could picture her lungs being all bruised up on the inside and had to repeat to herself that focusing on writing down that list might be helpful even if it scared her to death. Letting out a deep breath that made her wince, Gyuri put the pain aside and held the pen tighter between her fingers to force it out of herself. She wrote her bucket list. A shortlist of her biggest dreams, and she couldn't stop her tears because most of those wishes involved Baekhyun in some way. Or at least, she would’ve loved to have him there with her, even if it was to mock. If she ever wanted to do something special, she'd always picture him around. Writing that list down was just the beginning. Gyuri stared at the 10 things she wanted to do before dying and couldn’t wrap her head around the idea of doing them without Baekhyun. It was a soft knock on her door that broke her out of the dreary stupor she had been in and Gyuri felt out of place when she noticed the sunlight drifting brightly into her room, welcoming a new day.

"Pumpkin?" Gyuri heard her father ask behind the door.

"I'm fine." She replied, rubbing the tiredness of her eyes, "Just leave me alone, please."

It broke her heart that with a very disappointed voice, her father complied and left her be. She recognized, however, that it wasn't a good idea for her to be alone at that particular moment. She didn’t even want to think about talking. Sleeping was out of the question and any interaction with her parents felt way too dangerous so Gyuri did the next closest thing to functionality, and that was working; she invested all of her energy into it. With the bucket list figured out, and still feeling numb; Gyuri locked herself in her small office. She had her eyes glued to the screen, busy on countless tasks, typing and clicking almost obsessively and nonstop. She might not have had any plans for the future, but she decided it was enough of all the brooding and started to tie all the loose ends she had left. From that moment on, she worked and worked until the days started to blend together. Except for the occasional trip to the bathroom, she rarely left the room while her mother insisted on knocking every now and then to check on her and leave a tray of food. Too busy and too tired to even reject her mother’s attention and her possible nagging, Gyuri tried to eat everything. It was the day she fell asleep on her chair, and the images of Baekhyun smiling at her snapped her awake, that she decided it was best to leave the house for a while and clear her head. She tried to stand up from the chair, but her body felt stiff. She sat there for a moment, feeling her eyes aching from the lack of sleep, and her hands couldn’t stop trembling; however, she had a mission for that day. She could try to rest after that.

Gyuri got ready to go out, searched for the papers she needed, and printed all the documents she had been working on the last few days. She tried her best to leave the house without her mother noticing but before she could open the door, her mother asked where she was heading. That simple and harmless question got on Gyuri’s nerves. It bothered her to treat her parents so badly, but she needed to be alone. She was too tired to give explanations and to have an answer for everything. Gyuri just wanted to be alone.

"I need to run some errands," She explained shortly and left the house in silence.

However, the fresh air didn’t sit quite well with her. Irritated even by the humidity in the air, she hesitantly checked her phone. After almost a week of ghosting pretty much everyone she knew, Gyuri got overwhelmed with the number of texts, missed calls, and various notifications that blared at her from the small screen of her phone. Putting the device away, she took a deep breath and started walking, but the prospect alone of moving her legs and going down the street to the bus stop made her muscles ache. The ride was just as torturous as she thought it would be, that even her favorite music annoyed her. Gyuri had to keep reminding herself that there were issues to solve and get sorted out before it was too late. Blinking repeatedly to ease the brief burning behind her eyes, Gyuri braced herself and headed to the main building of the company she worked at to deliver her resignation letter. After that, she stopped by the bank to fix her savings account and leave all of the funds to her mother. Then, she went to the car dealership to leave her car to her father.

Gyuri chuckled to herself. Years ago, she’d bought a car thinking she could handle the nerves to sit behind the wheel, but she failed. She wasn’t even a bad driver; everyone else was, and that made driving too anxiety-inducing, so she let her parents use it. They didn’t complain about it. After all, that car was basically theirs, so leaving it to them was only logical. Getting all the paperwork ready was fairly simple and the easiest part. Bringing the subject to her parents, Gyuri predicted not so much. She let out a sigh as she stepped out of the car dealership and for a split second, felt like dropping to her knees to cry her eyes out. Running those particular errands happened to be a lot more depressing than she first anticipated. She barely had anything to her name. She didn’t have a legacy to leave behind but a laughable amount of savings and a car that had some annoying technical issues, and that was it.

That was all she had.

Gyuri had to shake the dark thoughts aside if she didn't want to break down in the middle of the street. Maybe she didn’t have anything important to leave to her parents but what she could do was to leave everything ready for them.

“Leave no loose ends.” She said to herself out loud.

Feeling a tiny bit better, she braced herself to go to the last stop and practically, the hardest one of her errands. She felt uncomfortable from the moment she wrote the email to make the appointment days before and even more than dreary when she finally arrived at the entrance of what would be her future funeral home. Gyuri had a couple of options to check, but by the time she came in, it was impossible to not feel lightheaded. The employee was kind, maybe too kind for her liking and all she could do was smile whenever a new feature was shown. When they reached the model bedroom, as if driven by her tiredness, Gyuri propped herself up the bed and laid down. It was comfy. It was nice, firm, and comfy, and Gyuri caught herself almost smiling when she realized she was on the bed where her parents could rest during their mourning if they needed it. Jumping out of the bed as if it was burning, Gyuri thanked the employee and left the place with a handful of pamphlets in her hands, and decided that she wasn’t strong enough to handle the rest of the appointments for the day.

Exhaustion was catching up to her, making her feet heavy and her back so stiff and contracted that Gyuri had a hard time walking to her next destination. She refused to sit down and rest because she knew she wouldn't keep going if she did, so taking a deep breath, she headed to the closest coffee shop to get a double americano with five spoonfuls of sugar, and that left the barista dumbfounded. As she sipped her drink, she texted the only person that would never dare to mock, pity, or wouldn't even burst into tears at the sight of her list. She begged to the heavens for him to not be angry at her for going all M.I.A for almost a week and thankfully, that didn’t seem to be the case because Kyungsoo replied to her text as if he had been waiting to hear from her. Gyuri stared at the screen of her phone and realized his fast reply actually managed to make her smile. He sent his location without even asking why and gulping down the almost blunt coffee, even if it burned her throat, she jumped into the next bus, excited to get to meet him.

Maybe it was the fresh caffeine running through her system, maybe it was the excitement mixed with the exhaustion; she couldn't tell what it was but Gyuri felt generous. She spent all the bus ride searching for the nicest bakery shop around and once she found it, she spent a good deal of time picking the best assortment of french pastries and cookies. Gyuri almost skipped her way to the meeting point with Kyungsoo when she finally got her bearings, and all the rush and giddiness started to fade away, quite rapidly. She had been too absentminded with the immediate task in hand but now that she knew who he was, the obvious sophistication of the place made sense. Aware of her clothes, her sickly looks, and overall presence in such a fashionable place, Gyuri came to a full stop. She texted Kyungsoo, hoping he wouldn't make her wait that long because the people around her were staring at her. She could feel their eyes on her and her shabby self. Closing her eyes to remind herself that most likely, it was all in her mind and the crowds walking past her weren't even aware of her existence; Gyuri pushed the thought aside to focus on something she could control and that was the reason why she was there in the first place.

Kyungsoo had done so much already that her small gift couldn’t be compared. She centered all of her thoughts on the words she would say to properly convey what she had stuck on her chest since the beginning. However, as polite as he could be, he was taking too long and feeling more out of place than a fish out of the water; she looked around, desperate to find him. Growing more anxious by the second, she finally saw him coming out of a building, and he was smiling. It was such a small and pleasant smile that fit his face. However, that smile seemed to disappear with every step he gave closer to her until his entire expression was grave and concerned. He asked something, but Gyuri was so transfixed by the rosiness of his cheeks and the healthy glow of his skin that she didn’t catch on to him moving closer to touch her.

"What?" She mumbled under her breath as his fingertips brushed her cheek and the warmth they spread across her skin was so nice and pleasant, she instinctively leaned further into his touch.

“I asked," He asked again, tilting her head up, "When was the last time you slept?”

As if he slapped her back to reality, Gyuri realized she probably looked like death. Utterly embarrassed, she stepped back, rejecting his gentle hands even if her body craved for his touch. The severity of the situation rushed over her, making her think that what she was thinking in doing, was an absolute mistake.

“I can’t,” she muttered, mortified to show herself so weak, “I can’t sleep without choking on flower petals.”

“You should’ve called me.”

Nothing in his voice or his expression felt insincere. If anything, his tone was genuinely worried. However, not shameless enough to hold onto his words, Gyuri distanced herself further from the comfort of his company. By doing so, she saw a figure that felt ominously on guard, and focusing her sight, she recognized the face in an instant. If not everyone, a vast majority of the population in the country could make out those features from a distance. Suddenly, she felt exposed to the big, cat-like eyes, the perfect brows, and sharp expression that could only belong to someone as devastatingly handsome as him. She had seen that face on the covers of many magazines and she had to look twice to confirm that Kim Minseok, the infamous editor, was outside the same building Kyungsoo came out of and looking not at all subtly at her, and with what it looked like genuine interest.

“You’re busy.” She mumbled, blushing under the gaze of that man.

“I’m in a meeting,” Kyungsoo nodded, looking over his shoulder.

Gyuri felt herself burning in mortification, and the sudden realization of her self assortment made her almost sick to her stomach. Kyungsoo was a busy person. Not just that, he was an important person that must be busy all the time and she kept on showing up and interrupting his life as if she had any sort of right to his company when she was still the poor stranger he helped in a restaurant.

“I’m sorry.” She said, bowing the whole 90 degrees.

“Why?” He mumbled.

His eyebrows furrowed deeper into his expression, and Gyuri couldn’t even think. Where to begin? She had to close her eyes to calm down, take a deep breath and remind herself to stick to her original plan which was to make amends for the things she could control.

“I was a bit of a jerk to you the other night, and I didn’t even apologize.” She explained, feeling her determination not as strong as before, “You made it bearable, even enjoyable, so thank you.”

Without giving him any chance to react and make things even more awkward, Gyuri practically shoved the gift unceremoniously into his hands. That wasn't how she envisioned her good deed in her mind, but it had to be enough if she didn’t want to bail altogether.

“Thank you.” Kyungsoo stumbled at his words, looking positively flustered and staring at the fancy cookie box in his hands.

Once again, his gentle smile was back on his face, and it was impossible not to mirror it or not to reciprocate the kindness and smile back at him. As if he had some sort of power and everything in her wanted to avoid and ignore her condition, Gyuri pushed every dark thought aside, at least for a second.

“Do you have any plans this weekend?” She asked.

“I will be visiting my grandma.” He explained, his smile fading quite fast, “but I'll be back by the end of the week.”

“I should be going then.” She said, forcing a smile, “Thank you again.”

Gyuri was out of her mind. She knew it the moment she bowed her head and was aware of how rude that came out of her but the disappointment filling her heart was too much to bear. She even forced her legs to take her away from him, but not giving her a chance, Kyungsoo grabbed her arm, preventing her from leaving.

“Gyuri, why are you here?” He asked without a hint of irritation in his voice.

“Call me when you're back.”

Most likely ignoring her lack of manners, Kyungsoo didn’t look fazed by her words. She tried to sound calm and easy with a smile on her face but he didn’t drop his arm nor say a thing. He didn’t even look away and that made the little control she had, evaporate into thin air. Her eyes watered again, and giving up on her efforts to look strong, she rummaged through her purse to find her list and handed it to him. Finally letting her arm go, he grabbed the folded piece of paper and read it in silence. Nervous to even look at him and his judgment, Gyuri stared at her shoes, waiting for what he had to say.

“What's the meaning of this?” He asked.

“I thought that maybe you could help me with it.” She explained, sniffling and rubbing the moisture off her eyes, “I understand that you're busy so don't worry.”

Just as silently as he managed himself, Kyungsoo folded the piece of paper. It didn’t matter what she tried to tell herself, Gyuri grabbed the list as tears started rolling down her cheeks. Gyuri could’ve never imagined that his rejection would hurt her that much. She just felt so utterly dumb for thinking that someone like him would agree to something as silly as helping her to fulfill her bucket list.

“Why are you crying?” She heard him ask gently, although she might have imagined there was a hint of tease in his tone, “I didn’t say I wouldn’t.”

“Call me.” That was all she blurted out as soon as he tried to brush off her tears.

Mortified, to say the least, she pulled away, bowed again, and left the place as fast as she could, without looking back. Determined to ignore everything around and within herself, Gyuri put her earphones on with her favorite music blaring at her as she just walked all the way back home. However, the walk started to feel nothing as therapeutic as she first thought. Her every step felt heavy, her back was stiffer than before and the longer she walked, the more torturous the walk felt. It was hard enough to keep her head from thinking too much about what happened with Kyungsoo, but from time to time, when the ache wasn’t that overpowering, she caught herself walking with her head low and staring at her feet. Gyuri kept reminding herself to look up, to push the tiredness aside and make it home.

After what felt like hours and hours of walking, her legs started to tingle uncomfortably, and that wasn’t anywhere near to the gentleness and warmth of Kyungsoo’s touch. Too tired to fight against her mind, she openly recalled the feeling. The memory alone of his hand on her cheek made her cheeks warm all over again with a pleasant fuzziness that only his mere fingertips could wake in her. Gyuri was so immersed in her memories about the writer that she suddenly recognized her bearings. She was walking the remaining couple of blocks to her house and she came to a full stop when she recognized the car parked outside by the entrance. That red car was so familiar to her that she could recognize it even miles away, and that same thought made her knees feel as weak as ever because it only meant that Baekhyun was home and waiting for her. However, Gyuri wasn’t ready to face him yet. She was too exhausted and drained to even properly formulate a coherent sentence. She thought about turning around and going somewhere else, but he was already coming out of the car, and smiling brightly at her, just like in her dreams.

He was back to his usual fashion; oversized clothes and ugly sneakers and his hair, quite unkempt and simply over his forehead. For a split second, it annoyed her. It bothered her that he wouldn’t even try to look a bit better for her just like he did with Mina when she had to remind herself that Mina was the actual girlfriend and not her. Gyuri had to shake her head to get rid of the ridiculousness of that thought.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, trying her best to not look at him as she reached the gate.

“Skipping work I see.” He pointed out.

Gyuri hated the amusement in his tone and almost snickered at the comment. She didn’t have a job anymore but she couldn’t mention that piece of information without having him interrogating her about it. She simply rummaged through her purse, looking for her keys as an excuse to ignore him.

“Gyuri, I know you like the back of my hand.” He said as he came closer, “Your boss is getting too indulgent if he’s letting you be offline at this time.”

“I had a meeting.” She mumbled, and she wasn’t exactly lying.

“Were you crying?” He asked out of nowhere, only for her to realize how close he actually was.

Baekhyun was right by her side and Gyuri froze on the spot, taken aback, and she could only curse at him in her mind. She hated that he knew her so well, that he could see through every mask and facade she tried to pull. Her eyes watered again in frustration, and her anger shifted from him to herself, and her incapability to stay unfazed under his gaze. Her body and her instincts noticed his reaction. Just like he knew her, Gyuri knew Baekhyun like the back of her hand, and the way his body shifted and his entire essence softened at the vulnerability of her state. Surprisingly, he did the most Baekhyun thing to do.

“I’ve been feeling like getting something good to eat.” Baekhyun changed the subject, diverting his attention from her and leaning against his car. “It’s been a while since we went to a new place.”

Unable to believe he wasn’t fussing over her, and her emotional slip, she stared at the beautiful man in front of her as he held his chin in a pensive manner that was adorable in a certain way. She was frozen there, admiring his consideration, and a huge chunk of her heart, adoring his attention.

“What about something warm and nice, something like a beef stew?” He kept on, and the moment his eyes found hers, she realized something big. “It’s on me, what do you think?”

Baekhyun smiled but said smile never reached his eyes. He stared at her, intently and thoroughly, and Gyuri had to give up. He knew. His searching eyes saw it all and just like her, he looked like a man on a mission.

“You either get in the car,” Baekhyun started, his eyes fixed on her and his tone not as gentle as before, “or we’ll stay here in the middle of the street until you tell me everything about the asshole that is making you cry.”

Writing her bucket list, arranging everything for her funeral, and even asking for Kyungsoo’s help felt like a trivial task compared to what Baekhyun just suggested. Feeling a thrill going down her spine at the possibility, and as if controlled by another invisible force, Gyuri went straight to the car and got in. The weariness grew when she thought she heard him chuckle which wouldn’t be new to her. He always managed to have his way but never in her life, she felt as wary and exposed as she felt there, waiting for him to walk around the car. Gyuri couldn’t keep avoiding him forever, she was aware of that. Eventually, she would have to confront him, to talk to him and not to succumb to his voice; to touch him and not melt in an instant, and to look him in the eye and not die trying. Unable to utter a single word, Gyuri ignored the commotion happening inside her heart and lost any focus on anything. She felt her body succumbing to the shivers of the possibilities of what could happen next.

“You are hiding something from me,” He said out of the blue as he turned the engine on and drove away.

“No, I’m not.” She lied bluntly, although it burned another bit of her heart.

Baekhyun made a face, unsatisfied with the answer but didn’t go any further when his cell phone buzzed with a text. Right in front of her, Gyuri saw his attention and entire expression shift at whatever was on his screen, taking her chance, she also grabbed her phone. As swiftly as she could, she frantically wrote the texts that felt like her last words.

Kyungsoo? He wants to talk. He knows. I know he does. This might be it. I can feel it

Are you ready?

Where are you?

“Start talking.” Baekhyun snapped her out of her agonizing texting.

In a moment of panic, Gyuri shoved her phone under her leg, afraid that Baekhyun might snatch it from her as he usually did. He eyed her suspiciously but remained quiet, waiting for her to talk. But what could she say exactly? She couldn’t tell him the truth without breaking his heart, and lying was by far worse. Gyuri stayed quiet for so long, Baekhyun kept stealing glances at her until he had to call her name out loud.

“What do you want me to say?” She argued, genuinely lost and without a clue of what to do.

“About this new guy.” He started. “What's up with him?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean with nothing?” He retorted, clearly annoyed, “Who the hell is he? Where did he come from? What does he want?”

Gyuri fell quiet again, thinking about Kyungsoo with every question her best friend asked and a part of her wanted him so badly to be more than just a charitable soul that took pity on her one day. She wanted to say he was a friend. Damn, she wanted to have the freedom to say that maybe, he could be more than a friend one day.

“Are you two dating?” Baekhyun asked and Gyuri shook her head. “Is he telling you to keep it a secret?”

Her head snapped around to look at her friend in disbelief at the suggestion and she felt an unnatural urge to defend the man, and that made Baekhyun's expression change.

“Why would he ask that?”

“Kang Gyuri! You have to be kidding me! You got yourself in an abusive relationship, didn’t you?” He gasped dramatically and effusively even if what he was saying sounded beyond ridiculous, “You just can’t see it yet.”

“And yet, you are the one that forced me into his car to scold me over nothing,” Gyuri gave him a disgruntled look, just overall weirded out by his attitude, “He’s a good friend of mine that has been there for me when I need it.”

Cursing under his breath, Baekhyun parked the car and it took a couple of seconds for Gyuri to realize why. As soon as she realized how that came out, she knew she was done for. Her chances of coming out alive off that car were suddenly reduced to none.

“When you needed it?” He asked with a tone that sounded so foreign to her, “Are you listening to yourself?”

For a split second, Gyuri tried to ponder on her words but just as fast as the thought was planted on her head, she had to remind herself of her situation. She was aware of what she said, the way she said it, and what it meant to her. As much as she loved Baekhyun, as in right then and there, if he knew the truth, he could easily kill her with just a couple of sweet words or a heartfelt compliment.

“But I am your best friend.” He mumbled as if he had to convince himself about that particular affirmation.

As if she wasn't even there, Baekhyun started babbling to himself about the strength in the bond of their friendship, and by that point of the conversation, Gyuri decided it wasn’t worth it to keep going. Especially when she wanted Baekhyun to stay oblivious of her condition so she would only leave him to stew in his assumptions. Struggling to break the seemingly flattering spell Baekhyun had on her, Gyuri searched for a grounding point outside the car. Whatever it was, it had to be strong enough for her to ignore the softness in which he kept reminding her of all the great moments they had spent together. When she found the object, some random and perfectly rounded bush, she stared at it and only it, and ignored everything else.

“I mean, you’ve been going out a lot with him, right?” He changed the subject to her suspicious relationship with Kyungsoo, “It’s obvious by the way he touches you.”

Her grounding bush wasn’t working because no matter how much she tried to ignore him, she listened to Baekhyun. She had to hold back the tears as he kept ranting about how sketchy and boring the writer seemed to be.

“Fine,” he paused for a moment, softening his tone, “let’s say he isn’t a manipulative jerk. Do you like him?”

The question distracted her from her emotions for a moment and let her indulge herself on actually, considering the prospect of feeling a certain way about Kyungsoo. Everything in her instantly wanted that possibility. She wanted to have the chance of liking him. Kyungsoo wasn’t just polite. He was nice, caring, and gentle. He was handsome as well and on a very surface level, she did like him, so she nodded. Baekhyun instantly groaned in annoyance.

“Well, don’t. It’s too dangerous.” He ordered, anxiously tapping his delicate fingers on the steering wheel. “If you're too nice with him, you’ll mislead him and he might catch that nasty curse.”

As if he had dropped a bucket of ice-cold water over her, Gyuri looked at him, horrified. Her breathing stuck in her throat and the deadly hold on her heart tightened, making her wince. Gyuri couldn’t hold back anymore and tears fell down her cheeks. So she caught that curse simply because Baekhyun was nice to her.

“You can’t be that nice in times like this.” He added, pressing his lips together in an awkward smile filled with resignation, “Do you want to have that weight on your conscience?”

Gyuri got out of the car, pain coursing through her chest as the sweetness took slowly over the atmosphere. Almost dropping the tin box, she managed to open it and get a couple of candies into her mouth. Still walking, she pulled her cellphone out and sent her location to Kyungsoo. She never stopped walking as she tried to breathe deeply and massaged her chest to stop the knot from getting in the middle of her throat. Of course, Baekhyun went after her, although she wished he wouldn't. He called her, his voice felt so desperately sorry and worried that she had to stop her escape. She had no power over her heart whenever he said her name in that way but another part of her, the part that wanted to live a little longer took over.

"Yah, where are you going!?" Baekhyun nagged her with his beautiful face scrunched in annoyance, "the beef stew place is that way."

Those exact words and the flimsy and brief relief the candies gave her body, were what she needed to fight pain and for a moment, it seemed like Baekhyun noticed the change in her attitude.

“Baekhyun, I’m bound to get friends of my own,” Gyuri said and had to scrape every bit of courage she could to say the next thing. “One day, I’ll find someone I like enough to date and fall in love with and hopefully…” she choked on her tears, “hopefully, that someone will love me back just as much.”

Very few times, she’d see him as still as she did at that moment. He was just looking at her, his arms fell to the sides of his body and nothing in his expression gave her any clue of what was going through his mind. His silence only encouraged her and wondered if she was petty enough to bring the subject up.

“I don’t need your permission to go out with my friends,” She decided to keep on, holding on to the strap of her purse as if she could die if she didn’t, “just like you don’t need my permission to date.”

“That’s different.” He finally said under his breath as his brows furrowed.

“How’s so?”

As if the question slapped him in the face, Baekhyun looked at her, stunned. He opened his mouth to answer the question but it looked like he couldn't work his words out.

“How is it different?” She insisted, her voice breaking.

That set Baekhyun in motion and Gyuri recognized right away that maybe she shouldn't have pressured him to answer. She couldn't help the mess of feelings bottling up inside her anymore and apparently, neither did Baekhyun because his face changed. He walked up to her, and his glaring eyes were scary and the menacing stance of his entire posture made her step back instinctively. The action didn't go unnoticed by Baekhyun and it felt like it only managed to fuel his anger.

“It's so annoying when you get all emotional.” He spat, making a face, filled with disgust, and walked away, leaving her behind.

Blinking the tears away, Gyuri took a deep breath and turned around, walking away as well. By no chance, she wanted to risk the possibility of dropping dead in the middle of the sidewalk and become another number in the long list of poor souls that died out in the open. She refused to be part of the sick show and found a place to sit. She breathed in and out, with her hand over her watch, she worked herself to calm down while she waited for Kyungsoo. She texted him her new location, even though it wasn't that far from where Baekhyun parked and waited patiently for the writer to arrive. She closed her eyes, struggling to hold back the mess of emotions the recent conversation brought up. Thankfully, in a couple of minutes, a brand new car pulled over, and she bolted to the door, bawling her eyes out as soon as she got into the car.

What she didn’t know was that Baekhyun came back for her. Just as fast as her words made him snap, he realized how mean and hurtful, and how much of an idiot he was for talking to Gyuri in that way. He was angry at himself. At first, he was angry at her for putting him on the spot, and then, he was just scared to death of hurting her and ruining everything. He was just a couple of blocks away when he realized he had to go back. Baekhyun cursed under his breath when he turned around and found himself stuck up in the traffic. He wasn’t even that far and it would’ve taken him less than a minute to go back but he could barely move forward. He could even see the spot he parked at first, and rubbing his face in annoyance, he gripped onto the steering wheel, begging for Gyuri to wait for him but he wasn’t as lucky. She wasn’t going to wait for him and he understood it when he saw her from his car. He could see her from a distance, waiting and looking around as if expecting something or someone to arrive. Suddenly taken over by an emotion he couldn’t pinpoint, Baekhyun saw in disbelief, a car parking near his best friend and her getting into it without a single trace of hesitation.

***

Gyuri had been too out of herself, sobbing as quietly as she could, that she hadn't paid any attention to where Kyungsoo was taking her. She wondered when he would start to get annoyed by her helplessness and the constant need for someone to come to her rescue.

“Where are we?” She asked, not really that interested in the answer but forwarding the appropriate question in that type of social setting.

As if suddenly awake of a deep slumber, Gyuri sat straight when Kyungsoo parked the car in an almost empty gravel lot. When she leaned forward the dashboard, she finally saw the traditional building rising behind the stone walls.

“Tea.” That was all Kyungsoo said with a smile, before getting out of the car.

By all means, Gyuri didn’t mind. A cup of tea felt like an excellent idea, and jumping out of the car, she followed him to the gate where he pulled a rope tied to a bell. Soon after, a woman in uniform opened the gate and let them in. Gyuri almost gasped in awe as the woman led them further into the hallways of the traditional house. Kyungsoo exchanged a few pleasantries with the employee until they arrived at the door of what seemed like a private booth. The woman slid the door open and Gyuri finally gasped out loud. Kyungsoo let her step in first to the booth, which was more like a small pavilion built just above a pond. The rest of the house was set up with small booths flanking the rims of the pond and in which she could see people chatting their time away. Gyuri simply looked around, astonished and taking in the beauty of such a peaceful place.

“How on earth did you find this place?” She asked as she leaned over the wooden railings to find koi fishes swimming around.

“I took on the tea ceremony as a hobby last year.” He explained as they settled themselves at the small table in the middle of the pavilion.

As soon as they were in front of each other, the atmosphere was awkward. It wasn’t as if Gyuri didn't feel comfortable around him. She felt incredibly safe in his company that she didn’t mind the silence between them, but what made her squirm on her spot was the way she looked. Self-conscious of her bloated eyes, messy hair, and overall unkempt look, Gyuri nagged herself. Even though she knew Kyungsoo wouldn’t dare to point it out, she felt just as ugly as ever. Thankfully, as if nature knew of her struggle, the sky darkened and in a blink of an eye, started raining. Much to Gyuri's delight, and Kyungsoo's amusement, she couldn't help herself but to crawl to the edge of the canopy and put her hand out to the rain.

“Why do you like the rain so much?” Kyungsoo asked as he started to prepare the tea.

“Why wouldn’t I?” She asked instead and Kyungsoo simply shrugged at the question. “It’s like music.”

If Gyuri thought the writer would question her reasoning, he didn't. Kyungsoo simply nodded and he slouched his back just a bit to wait for the infusion to be ready. She found herself mirroring his posture and accommodated herself more comfortably by the railing to watch the rain pouring over the pond.

“The world seems to quiet down when it's raining.” She said, closing her eyes to let the sounds surround her, “Soft enough to be comforting but also loud enough to wash away my fears.”

“It’s usually associated with solitude.”

“Yeah, you can say it is.” She agreed and looked over at him to see if there was any trace of judgment in his eyes.

Not that Gyuri could check because Kyungsoo was already pouring the tea in the cups. Gyuri observed every of his slow and methodical movements with attention and was awed by his patience to follow the procedure. Once the two small porcelain cups were filled, Kyungsoo pushed one closer to her.

“Why would you like that if you don’t want to be alone?” He asked as if he was just still talking about the weather, “It's on your list.”

Disarming every single one of her arguments, Gyuri felt small. Kyungsoo was right. Every single one of her wishes involved other people. Her bucket list was about connecting with people and getting close to them.

“It isn't an option for me,” She replied, grabbing the cup with both hands and bringing it close to her face.

Gyuri hoped that such a small and delicate porcelain cup could work as a shield big enough to hide her insecurity from the writer but by the way he just stared at her, she knew she couldn't.

“Who made you believe that?” He whispered.

By the worry in his voice, Gyuri felt her eyes filling with tears and looked away, trying to find an answer. No matter how much she tried to come up with something clever and confident to say, she didn't have anything. She simply stayed quiet, lost on the rain splatters on the pond and hoping that Kyungsoo wouldn't try to pry further into it

“Maybe that's why I like it so much.” Gyuri added after a while, trying to divert the conversation to a more pleasant subject, “I can enjoy it all by myself.”

“For someone who claims they can't talk to strangers,” Kyungsoo added, also staring out to the pond with a renewed interest, “you express yourself very well.”

“You’re a good listener.” Gyuri added with a chuckle, “Give yourself some credit.”

She had the best of intentions with her observation and never meant to embarrass Kyungsoo in any way, but the blush that flared his cheeks was surprising. He didn’t smile widely and brightly as he usually did when she said something funny. As if her words resonated deeper than she intended, he seemed to take them at heart and lowered his head to bring the cup of tea up to hide the smile on his lips. Suddenly, as she observed the writer, Gyuri remembered what Baekhyun asked and she wished her attention wasn’t so consumed by him. She wouldn’t be that tired. She wouldn’t feel so done with everything, and as if in some way sadness could actually crush her in real life, she felt her body give up. She felt too heavy and aching to even try to fight the sensation that she had to leave the cup aside and lay down on the floor. It wasn’t appropriate for the place, but Gyuri was too exhausted to care. When her spine felt like it could snap at any moment, the hardness and evenness of the wooden floor were like the most comfortable surface on earth and Gyuri felt her body appreciate the rest.

“Kyungsoo,” Gyuri started, slowly and carefully of her following words, “You asked me if he’s worth it.”

There was no other sound around them other than the rain. Gyuri could see him staring at her from the corner of her eye, and she had it easy to put everything inside her in order. She had it clear. Yes, Baekhyun could be annoying, headstrong, and short-tempered. But it was that same stubbornness that made him the most loyal, loving, and trustworthy person she’d ever met, sometimes he just happened to be too dumb to put two and two together.

“He is.” She whispered as tears fell by the sides of her face.

As if saying those words could activate something in her, Gyuri felt herself crumbling into pieces and she let it take over. The roots that were wrapped around her heart switched and she felt them advancing. It wasn’t a new feeling, she’d felt the sting of the roots piercing through her flesh before but this time, as she lowered every barrier like Kyungsoo had been telling her all along, it didn’t hurt. She felt it, yes but there was no pain and she realized he was right. She had to stop fighting it back, however, as much as she didn’t want to feel pain anymore, she was more afraid about everything coming to an end so soon.

“He is worth it.” She repeated to herself in a small effort to overcome the fear, “I just don’t want to die...yet.”

#AFUTR #EXO #EXO Fanfic #EXO Fanfiction #Baekhyun #Kyungsoo #Angst #Hanahaki Disease #Hanahaki #Romance #Fanfic #Fanfiction

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qualitytriumphdinosaur · 18 days ago

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Final part…

“I can’t believe this is our last night at home” you said as you sat, blanket covering your legs looking into the flames from the fire pit in front of you!

“I think we might be crazy” your blonde haired friend said, you look over to him, the biggest smile on his face!

“Sam, all the best people are crazy” your other friend spoke up! He too was smiling! The joy on your two friends faces made your heart swell!

You and Colby had been friends forever, living close by to one another and your mums being best friends you didn’t really have much of a choice. When you were little you would have play dates almost everyday, as you got older your friendship grew, now making the choice to keep each other around! Colby met Sam before you and introduced him, from that moment it was the 3 of you! The 3 amigos, facing the world together!

Now the 3 of you were sat in your garden, blankets wrapped around you with the warmth from the fire pit keeping you from freezing! The next day you would be embarking on the biggest adventure of your life! Leaving home was terrifying but you knew as long as you had these 2 boys around,you would be just fine!

“Y/n, put your hand in” Colby had said, the boys had their hands in front of you, waiting for the missing piece. You placed your hand on top of Sam’s.

“ Tommorow we take a step into the big wide world” Colby started saying “like little ants,leaving their colony” you shot a look over to Sam who was trying to hold back his laughter. Colby looked over at you both sternly, somewhat like a teacher who was telling the naughty kids off.

He continued “this life is going to throw obstacles in our way” he was struggling on what to say next… words were not his greatest quality!

Seeing him struggling Sam spoke up “ no matter what this life throws at us, good or bad we stick together and we face it all together!” One hand in the pact and one hand covering his heart. He was taking this very seriously causing you to smile.

“It’s the 3 of us against the world” you added. Lifting your arms into the air, cheering.

The deal was set!!

You sat up quickly in your bed, sweat droplets laced your forehead. You had relived that moment what felt like every night in your dreams for months!

Why did he break the deal?

It had been months since he left you sat alone on the edge of his bed, basically telling you, you had to do this life without him!

Sam had been great for a while but you could tell it was taking a toll! It wasn’t fair on him, living two different lives with his two friends that were no longer friends! You stopped answering his messages and calls, he slowly stopped coming around to see you! You were now truly alone without your boys!

You climbed out of bed and headed to the shower, not that you had any plans. You weren’t even sure why you had stuck around, it would have been so much easier to just go home but you realised you didn’t even know where home was anymore!

Getting out of the shower you wrapped a towel around you, heading into your closet to find the sweats you would wear for another day of nothingness. You headed back into your room and noticed a message on your phone!

Picking up your phone you opened the message..

Luke: Hey y/n , how are you doing? I’ve not seen you in ages, not since I became Chief earring protector 😃 you should pop in soon, first drink on me.

You read over the message a couple of times, you were just about to reply when another message came through.

Luke: I know what happened, if it makes it easier the boys haven’t been in since that night either. It’s pretty quiet in here during weeknights, we can catch up.

The message made you smile, at least you still had one of your friends out here. “Things couldnt get much worse” you thought, you deserved an evening out. Maybe it was time to pull yourself together and get on with your life!

You replied back to Luke.

Y/n: I never thanked you for looking after my earrings, oh great protector 😂 make it two drinks on you and I’ll be in tonight. See you later ✌️

The day went by pretty quickly, you were actually getting excited to go out for a bit, have a couple of drinks and see one of your friends. You got changed, nothing spectacular, you weren’t going out out. Applying a small amount of make up and putting your hair up. Your Uber had arrived. leaving the apartment you felt better than you had done for a long time.

You pulled open the all too familiar door, the same door you dragged your old friends ex girlfriend out by her hair! Your thoughts started to whirl in your head. “What would have happened that night if I didn’t react that way? You thought. “Would we still be friends? The deal never broken?” You shook your head, you couldn’t keep doing this to yourself.

It was time to start fresh, maybe make some new friends. Tonight was the beginning of a new book.

You made your way through the almost deserted club, to your left there was a group of lads, looking like they were enjoying themselves.You reached the bar where Luke was stood smiling!

“Wow, they look like they’re having a good time” you say glancing over to the group of lads who were now trying to make a human pyramid, failing miserably not being able to create the second layer. Laughing at an over the top volume.

“Yeah, they’ve been in here for hours! I don’t mind,they aren’t harming anyone. Like I said it’s dead in here weekday nights” he said chuckling at the lads “so what will it be? Two drinks on me right?” Looking back to you!

You sat down and that is where you stayed most of the evening, chatting with Luke. People came, had a drink and left. You liked how calm it was, well as calm as it could be with the group of lads now having made their way to the dance floor busting moves that would put Sam to shame.

You watched the lads for a little while, clapping and cheering while they each took it turns to try breakdancing! You felt light, happy, you hadn’t felt this way in a long time.

Suddenly memories of your friends came rushing to your head..

“What are you two doing?” You asked walking into the kitchen.

“No, put your arm like that” Sam jokingly shouted at Colby

“Okay, okay” Colby whinged back, moving his arm into the same position Sam had his.

You put the shopping down on the counter and took a step back, giggling at the two of them, you still had no idea what they were doing!

“Y/n, tell him he’s still not doing it right” Sam said grumpily.

You raised your eyebrows at the boys, an amused look on your face!

This was an everyday occurrence, walking in on them doing weird shit, you had gotten used to it, loved it in fact!

You turned back round to Luke, snapping out of thoughts that made their way back into your head! You looked down at your drink that you had barely touched, rubbing away the condensation on the side with your finger!

“Hey Luke” you started, feeling a lump in your through “have you spoken to them?” Glancing up from your glass.

Luke knew you would bring them up, it was just a matter of time.

“Not really” he replied “Sam rang the other day, asking about hiring the club for some party, other than that no” for some reason, he couldn’t look at you properly. You didn’t really notice.

Luke had lied to you, The truth was both boys had been there a lot. Every weekend as it used to be and occasionally during the week after a long days work. He knew if he had told you the truth you never would have come, he wasn’t even sure they would even be there, the night was getting late and they hadn’t turned up. Maybe that was for the best, did he really want to deal with the chaos that would resume should you all bump into one another!?!

You turned back around to face the dancefloor, the lads no longer occupying the space, you looked over to where they were when you first came in. Most of them certainly looked worse for wear, heads on the table or slumped back in their chairs. One of them however was looking over at you, you gave him a small smile, you weren’t one to be rude and turned yourself back to face Luke who was wiping down the bar.

“Think you’ve got a fan over then” he grinned , pointing a rag in the direction of the lad.

You looked back over, he was still staring at you! To be honest it gave you the creeps! Although Luke was with you, the lad was making you feel pretty uneasy! You hadn’t ever been out without Sam and Colby close by.

Your fight or flight was kicking in, not sure on what to do you stood up.

“Where are you off too?” Luke asked

“Bathroom” you quickly replied, heading across the empty room.

You stood in front of the mirror, why were you panicking so much? “I’m sure he’s only being friendly” you thought! Something didn’t feel right though! “I’ll go back grab my bag and leave” your plan in place you stepped out of the bathroom. Looking down at your feet while you walked, you lifted your head to walk straight into the lad who had been staring at you.

“Oh sorry, excuse me” you said moving to the side to get past, he followed your move and was still stood in front of you, not allowing you to pass. You looked past his shoulder towards the bar, hoping Luke would notice the predicament you were in. Luke was nowhere to be seen, no doubt having gone to the back room. You started to worry as he stood just inches from your face, the smell of alcohol pouring from his mouth, churning your stomach! You wanted to shout for help but no sound was able to leave your mouth.

“Come on pretty girl. I saw you looking at me” he slurred as he reached his arm to your waist! You froze, no one in sight to help. Luke where the fuck are you?

The lad inched closer and closer to you, his body weight having pushed you against the wall. You were pretty sure you had stopped breathing at this point, going numb, what was he going to do? You closed your eyes in terror, not wanting to see what he was going to do to you!

Suddenly the weight of his body lifted from yours, you were free! Thank fuck, Luke had finally seen what was going on you had thought! Opening your eyes and taking a big breathe you saw the lad on the floor, someone towering over him, you looked the person up and down, the person who had saved you from something you never would want to remember.

Realization kicked in. This person wasn’t Luke.

He wasn’t facing you but you knew exactly who had saved you, the tattoos, the hair.

You stood silently, shaking watching Colby deal with the lad who had dared put his hands on you! You let out a shaky breath, loud enough that he heard!

Turning from the lad who now clearly had a broken nose he was face to face with you. The look of pure anger washed away and the sheer look of worry over took him! Scanning your face and body for any harm caused to you! All you could do was stare at him. A tear rolling down your cheek!

Eventually you spoke, quietly and a wobble in your voice “Colby” was all you could muster!

You all of a sudden came too as his arms wrapped around you, engulfing you in a warm embrace! You couldn’t hold it in anymore, tears streamed down your face!

You both separated from one another.

“Thank you” you said looking up to him! A goofy smile plastered on his face.

“ it’s us against the world right?” he asked

You knew from this moment, things were going to fall right back into place.

#sam and colby #sam golbach #colby brock #xplr club #xplr

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lushrue · 6 months ago

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frozen hearts pt. 7

it's johnny's turn for a date! i'm genuinely kinda proud of this chapter, i really love it and i hope y'all do too! comment to be added to the taglist!

cw: smut, lil bit of anal, john price is a dom

when john woke up, the first thing he noticed was how sore he was.

he knew he wasn’t a spring chicken anymore, but christ almighty, this made him feel at least 10 years older than he was. he groaned, arms tightening around the man he held as daylight pricked at his eyelids. kyle. lovely, beautiful, energetic kyle. john had known how hard this one-person-at-a-time approach would be for his boys, but he hadn’t anticipated just how much of an effect you would have on them. when kyle had gotten home after your date, he was practically vibrating with energy. he babbled on and on about how kind you were, how attentive, how nice your lips had felt against his. the only thing that shut him up were john’s lips replacing the ghost of yours that still lingered.

john hadn’t expected how pent up kyle would be, either. a night spent ogling you without touching you, holding himself back from crossing that line until given the green light, had really taken a toll on the younger man. the moment john touched him, he was painfully hard, begging for a chance to let the fire in his belly burn freely. he’d never begrudge his pretty kyle anything, but he was starting to regret giving in. his hips and back regretted it, at least. they creaked as he turned over in bed, pressing a kiss to kyle’s temple before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

ever the light sleeper, garrick stirred, reaching out and grabbing john’s wrist. he groaned, fighting the sleepy haze to crack his eyes open and sit up. “gonna just leave me like that?” he muttered, feigning offense. john chuckled and turned to face kyle more squarely. he loved how he looked fresh from sleep. a bit of dried drool on the corner of his mouth, eyes all heavy and droopy. “never, sweet boy. jus’ wanna get my day started, tha’s all.” kyle groaned, tugging at john’s arm and resting his head heavily against his shoulder. “‘s too early,” he said, voice raspy and deep as his vocal cords kicked back into gear. “come back to bed for a bit.”

john looked towards the door, mulling it over in his mind. his morning workout was calling him, a chance to stretch out his sore muscles and build them up stronger. simon and him always went together. it was their chance to bond, their own little ritual that they’d developed. he could already hear simon puttering around in the kitchen, likely putting together his protein shake. but the warmth of his lover and his bed was calling him. kyle’s hand snaked up his arm and over his chest, and that was when he knew he was done for. he grabbed his phone and sent a text to simon, apologizing for missing their workout and promising to make up for it later, then crawled back into bed.

“alright, you win,” he grumbled, settling back into the john price-shaped indent in his mattress. kyle grinned, wrapping himself around john and pressing his body impossibly close. “knew you’d see sense,” kyle whispered, his lips close to john’s ear. he kissed the place where his jaw and ear met, then started working his way down. over the neck, across the collarbones, down the sternum. john groaned, his body melting under kyle’s gentle kisses. his lips were soft and warm, stoking the desire that john thought had been tapped dry the night before. “c’mon, sweets,” he said gruffly, folding his hands behind his head. “give an old man a break, yeah? thought you got your fill last night.” kyle hummed, the sound vibrating against price’s chest. the feeling went straight between his legs, blood rushing south as his lover pressed his lips against his pec. “can never get enough of you,” he said in response, his hand tracing over john’s stomach to his steadily hardening cock.

“is tha’ right?” john asked, grabbing ahold of kyle’s chin and tilting his head up. his blues caught kyle’s browns, captivated by the lust in them. pupils like saucers, pools of brown alight with the bright spark of desire. “your little date last night still on your mind?” kyle nodded obediently, lips parted and still slightly swollen from the abuse they’d endured last night. john chuckled, reaching down to run his hand through kyle’s short curls. “yeah, princess, i can tell. you’re pawin’ at me like a puppy.” kyle looked away, flustered, but john clicked his tongue and pulled his chin back to face him. “uh-uh. none of that, now. you started this,” he said, a growl in the undertone of his words.

kyle let out a whimper and john’s cock twitched in response. in an instant, john had them flipped, hovering over kyle and grinding his length down against him. kyle’s head fell back and he moaned, letting the sound fly unbidden. he couldn’t bring himself to care if the others heard. they’d gotten the worst of it last night anyway. john hummed, pulling down his boxers and letting his erection spring free. his knees screamed at him to take it easy, but he ignored them. he could worry about that later.

never before had he been so grateful that kyle slept in the nude. he reached a hand down and thumbed at his lover’s tip, chuckling at the bead of precum that smeared on the pad of his finger. “needy this mornin’, aren’t we?” he teased, lowering his body onto kyle’s and kissing him hard. teeth clicked together, tongues swirled around each other, and needy moans spilled into the air. his hand tightened around kyle’s cock, earning him a whine. john pulled away to catch his breath, grabbing kyle’s chin again and tilting his head forward. “open.”

kyle obeyed, jaw going slack. price’s fingers passed his lips, his middle and pointer finger pressing down on his tongue and making him gag. his eyes rolled back as he closed his lips around the digits, swirling his tongue across john’s skin. he could almost still taste the salt of himself leftover from last night. once his fingers were sufficiently slick, john pulled them away and shifted to sit between kyle’s legs. he grabbed one thigh with his dry hand, pushing it up and back as he probed at kyle’s asshole.

“this what you wan’?” he asked, pressing a finger in slowly to let kyle feel the stretch. a moan was his only response. john huffed out a laugh, nodding his head as he slid his finger in and out. “tha’s it, princess. relax for me, c’mon.” the resistance faded away, letting john slip another finger in. he crooked his fingers, brushing kyle’s prostate and making him shiver. “think about doin’ this with our sweet little skater?” he teased, smiling when kyle nodded. “yeah, bet they’d like tha’. bet they’d look so pretty with their eyes rolled back in their ‘ead, just like you do.” he continued that way, relishing in every moan and whimper he got for his efforts. horny as kyle was, it only took a few minutes of that for him to come all over his stomach.

john hummed with satisfaction at the sight, giving his aching knees a conciliatory rub. it was going to be a long morning for them.

your week had passed by agonizingly slow. work was monotonous, even training at the ice rink was just something you had to get through to get to friday. you’d taken the time to let kyle’s words sink in after he’d left. three more coming your way. a date with each of them, a chance to get to know them independent of each other before seeing them in their dynamic. it was such a thoughtful plan, it had to be john’s. the rest of them looked at him like he commanded them to breathe, hung on his every word like it was the difference between life and death. even dark, brooding simon seemed to yield to him.

you hopped out of the shower and picked up your phone, glancing at the digital clock. 6:30 PM, half an hour before johnny would pick you up. just like before, you weren’t sure where the two of you were going. he’d given you more than kyle had, though. he told you to wear something comfortable, something you could move around in. that detail had set your mind racing with ideas. maybe it was a workout class? johnny had struck you as the gym rat type when you’d first met him. or maybe you were going for a walk in the local park. a classic first date choice, maybe with some ice cream included.

you grabbed your nicest sweatpants and a graphic tee, determined to make your outfit look nicer than typical athleisure wear. you opted for a flannel tied around your waist and tennis shoes that pulled the whole outfit together. it was a different look than what you’d put on for kyle by leaps and bounds. still, it felt fitting. the nice restaurant and wine and flowers felt like kyle. it was genuinely his style. this felt like johnny. a bit rough around the edges, laid-back and carefree. you slipped your phone into your pocket, silently thanking whoever created sweatpants for the utility of them. you were debating jewelry when you heard the knock at your door.

smiling brightly, you opened the door to greet johnny, who looked just as excited as you. “good evenin’, hen,” he greeted, tipping a fake hat to you. you smile and feign a curtsy in response. “and to you, good sir,” you joke back in an exaggerated british accent, which sets both of you laughing. warmth bloomed in your chest. this was going to be a good night. “ready to go?” he asked after he’d caught his breath. you nod, grabbing your keys and wallet before following him out the door and down your front steps.

“so, where are we headed?” you ask, letting johnny open the passenger door for you. you’d certainly have to get used to that. he smiled, waving his arm to guide you into the car. “it’s a surprise,” he said mischeviously, a glint in his eye as you settled into your seat. you tried not to be nervous as he walked around to get in the driver’s seat. johnny wouldn’t take you anywhere you wouldn’t enjoy. even if you didn’t like the activity, he’d make sure you had a good time.

the car ride was filled with singing along loudly (and off-key) to the radio and games of i spy. any nerves you had were gone, assuaged by the casual and playful personality that was johnny. you found yourself getting more and more excited the longer he drove, anticipating whatever it was he had in store for you. when he pulled up outside the mall of all places, you couldn’t contain a look of confusion.

“the…mall?” you ask, turning to johnny. he just smiled and nodded his head, cutting the engine. “you’ll see.” he patted your thigh before getting out of the car and coming around to open your door. you stepped out, letting him wind his hand around yours as you walked towards the doors. you’d only taken a few steps when johnny looked down like he noticed something, then ushered you to the other side of him. it wasn’t until a car drove by that you realized he’d moved you to the inside, his body a barrier between you and potential danger. your heart beat just a little bit faster at that.

going to the mall was always a sensory experience for you. the moment you stepped in the doors, you were hit with the smell of soft pretzels and pizza from the food court. children rushed around their tired parents, pulling them towards this store or that one. whatever the latest pop sensation was, it was playing on the speakers, a quiet undertone to the buzz of conversations happening all around you. johnny watched you as you took in your surroundings, heart thundering in his chest. he couldn’t deny that he was nervous. you were special to him, to all of them. the last thing he wanted was to fuck this up.

in your efforts to orient yourself to your surroundings, you hadn’t noticed where johnny was taking you until the bright flashing lights hit your eyes. the arcade. your eyes lit up as you realized, looking around at all the games and machines. you hadn’t been since you were a kid, never had anyone to go with that would share in your excitement and joy. you looked up at johnny with a wide smile. “good choice,” you said, squeezing his hand. he squeezed back and smirked down at you. “just you wait, bonnie. haven’ even seen the best part yet.”

he went up to the counter with you in tow, but you didn’t really pay attention to the conversation. you were too busy basking in the childlike wonder that the arcade brought you. you recalled countless games of air hockey with your dad after a competition, birthday parties where everyone took turns at skeeball. so many good memories were made in arcades, and you were sure that this date would be no exception. it wasn’t until johnny squeezed your hand that you tuned back in to what was happening. the clerk stood there, two vests and toy guns held out to you.

“oh my god, laser tag?” you giggled happily and took them from the clerk, thanking him as you walked towards the back of the arcade. you’d wanted to come and play ever since they put in the arena. johnny chuckled, pride welling in his chest at having picked so well. he knew this would bring out the parts of you that he loved most: the competitive spirit, the carefree nature, the absolutely adorable way you looked when you were concentrated. “cannae take all the credit. google said it was a good first date idea.”

you laughed again as you fastened the vest around your torso, making sure it sat squarely on your chest. “you have no idea what you’re in for, mactavish. i dominate at laser tag.” he cocked an eyebrow, shifting the toy gun in his hands. he’d played enough first person shooters to know what he was doing. “is tha’ so? i won’ take it easy on ya,” he said, nudging your shoulder playfully. you smile, preparing yourself to run as soon as the buzzer rang. “bring it on.”

the game started and you dashed away, ducking behind obstacles and darting your gaze around to keep track of johnny’s movements. he was fast, but he was bigger than you. you had size to your advantage, able to squeeze around tight corners and hide behind things that he couldn’t. your heart thundered in your chest, both from exertion and the thrill of being chased. it felt like playing tag on the elementary school playground. you heard footsteps to your right and sprinted off to your left, catching johnny’s eyes as you did. you took a shot at the sensor on his chest, but missed. groaning in frustration, you stepped behind a wall, taking a moment to catch your breath.

his chuckle echoed over the music and sci-fi laser sounds, his steps slower and more methodical now. he was stalking, waiting for you to poke your head out with bated breath. the butt of the gun rested on his shoulder, anticipating a surprise attack from you. you were sneakier than he gave you credit for, though he supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised. all the ice skaters he’d ever known moved with a fluid grace he hadn’t been able to achieve. hockey players didn’t necessarily need grace, he thought. just speed, brute strength, and a good eye.

“cannae run forever, bonnie,” he called, listening for any sounds that might have been you moving. his ears pricked at the rustle of fabric coming from behind one of the foam boxes. he turned, half expecting you to jump out and ambush him, but no surprise attack came. “i’ll find ya eventually. migh’ as well give yerself up now.” footsteps rushed behind him and he spun on his heel, aiming his gun at where your chest would be, but you were nowhere to be seen. in a moment of surprise, he lowered his gun and his guard, straightening his posture. that was all the opening you needed. creeping up behind him, you smiled mischeivously, unable to hold back a laugh. you raised your gun, fired, and delighted in the 8-bit tune that played as his vest flashed red.

johnny’s eyes widened, whirling around to face you. he’d been outsmarted, outmaneuvered. he’d half expected to have to take it easy on you, but you were a better tactician than he’d bargained for. his hands flew to his chest dramatically, staggering back as you stood there with your gun still raised. “i…i think i see the light,” he said in an imitation of a dying man, staring up at the sky. “tell my ma i love ‘er!” you collapsed in a fit of giggles, sides aching with how hard he made you laugh. he dropped the act, joining in your laughter. god, he’d never get over how lovely the sound of your happiness was.

“congrats, love,” he said, a genuine smile on his face. “y’won fair and square. good move, that was.” you smile, proud of yourself that you’d bested him. “ya put up a good fight. round 2?” you caught a glint in his eye, something that told you he wanted revenge. “you bet.”

the two of you took full advantage of the 30 minutes you’d paid for. you were even in wins and losses by the end of it, matched in skill and speed. it was rare that johnny felt like he found an equal, someone who could rise up to his energy or even surpass it. of course you’d be one of those people, he thought. he should’ve known with how quickly he was drawn to you. after you’d turned in your equipment and thanked the clerk, the two of you made your way over to the ice cream shop in the mall. it was cold, a welcome contrast to how humid the laser tag arena had been. with the way you’d been playing, both of you had broken a sweat.

you stared at the flavors behind the glass window, pretending to mull over your decision. you never needed to. butter pecan was your pick every time, and this place had one of the best you’d ever tasted. johnny ordered you a cone (two scoops, like a gentleman) and got himself one to match. he’d gotten dark chocolate raspberry, your second favorite, and promised to let you have a bite or two.

you walked around the mall, hand in hand, window shopping and people watching. it felt comfortable, easy. you noticed a sweet old couple walk past and smile at the two of you, sharing in the glow of first love. it made your steps lighter, like you were just floating alongside johnny. “so…what else do you do outside of hockey? besides lose at laser tag, of course,” you asked with a laugh, squeezing his hand and bumping his hip. he chuckled in response, amused at your good-natured teasing. “i’m a borin’ man, lass,” he said, taking a bite of his ice cream cone. “no’ many hobbies to speak of. i like to draw though. simon says i’m pretty good, but i think he’s jus’ blowin’ smoke.”

you smile, enamoured with the idea of johnny as an artist. he looked like the type to sit on a park bench, sketching the scenery around him. at the same time, it was almost hard to imagine that the fists he used to lay people out on the ice were the same hands that could hold a delicate pencil and create a beautiful work of art. “you’ll have to show me sometime,” you said, looking up at him. he almost looked uncomfortable with baring that part of his soul to someone new, so you decide to change the subject.

“what’s your earliest memory from childhood?” you ask, circling around the planters at the end of the hallway to travel up the other side of the mall. johnny hesitates, eyes widening for a moment before narrowing in thought. he’d never been asked that question before, but it was a good one. he’d have to steal it for date nights with the boys. “my fourth birthday party,” he said after several moments. “my ma invited the whole neighborhood, all the kids in my class. it was a grand affair as far as kids’ birthday parties go.” you giggle and let him continue. “i remember everyone singin’ me happy birthday and blowin’ out my candles. i got a remote controlled garbage truck for a gift. i was obsessed with ‘em.”

you smiled, feeling the warmth that seemed to seep out of his skin as he recalled the memory. this was precisely why you liked asking the question. it was always nice to see someone you admire light up like a christmas tree. you leaned to the side, your head resting on his shoulder as you continued your walk. your voices echoed in the expansive hallway, chatting away about childhoods and hobbies and favorite books. goosebumps had risen on your skin from the chill of the ice cream, but you’d never felt so warm.

johnny’s car pulled up outside of your house, the stars and your porch light illuminating the walkway to your front door. you found yourself taking smaller steps, not quite wanting the night to end yet. you’d had more fun tonight than you could remember having in the last few years. it was refreshing to let loose with someone and take a break from being an adult. you laid your hand on the doorknob, turning to johnny with a soft smile. “i had an amazing evening,” you said, and you meant it. “we should really do that again sometime. maybe bring the others along with us.”

johnny chuckled, shoving his hands in his pockets. “not sure if i could convince simon that it’d be fun, but i’ll try to warm ‘im up to the idea.” you laughed, lungs aching from how much you’d done that in the past few hours. an easy silence fell over you, hesitation and longing hanging in the air. you were the one to break it, your thumb stroking over the cool metal of the doorknob as a way to soothe yourself. “could i have a kiss before you go?”

he let out a breath, almost as if he’d been waiting for you to ask. “‘course ya can, hen.” it wasn’t slow like it had been with kyle. johnny kissed quickly, all passion and fervor. his lips brushed against yours for only a moment before pressing more insistently, his tongue darting out to meet yours. the two of you stayed like that for a few seconds before johnny pulled away, just like kyle had done. you began to wonder if there wasn’t some unspoken agreement between the four of them, a pact to wait until they’d all had you before tucking into you full force.

“good night, love. see you soon.” he squeezed your hand one last time before leaving you to step back inside. you shut the door behind you, the silence of your house almost uncomfortable after the full evening you’d had. johnny’s laughter echoed in your ears, the warmth and ease of it carrying you up the stairs and straight to bed. when you woke up in the morning, you had a new text, this time from simon.

“tuesday night, 7:00. meet me at the rink, bring your skates.”

taglist: @cadotoast@jupiternighties@hxnneydew@kaoyamamegami@lolly145 @linaangel @bestbookfriends @callsignang3l @livingoutsidethetardis @msecho19

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izel-01 · 6 months ago

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Finally got a job been working the past days a lot of labor but so much fun and pays good but it’s never enough for them istfg I’m exhausted literally lots of heavy lifting and building shit so obviously my fucking body is aching so fucking bad but it’s really worth it but not to them

I’m tired physically but mentally it’s helping me and my coworkers are amazing the bosses are so fucking nice and I’m so excited but bc of all the heavy lifting it’s taking a toll on me I’m just exhausted

Recently had to get my transmission oil changed and fix my rear light but the stupid fucking mechanic drilled a hole or sum shi in my car cause on the first day on the job I saw my car leaking oil and took a vid and later showed my mom and she said we’ll talk to my stepdad

So we did and I showed the vid to him, then he goes to check and says nothing is dripping so then we put some cardboard under my car left it for a min and sure enough it’s oil leaking and the STUPID MOTHERFUCKER HAS THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO TRY AND PIN THE BLAME ON ME ?!?!?!!?!! I only had my car not even a a day and this bitch says Idk how to drive my own fucking car?!

So the past 2/3 days I’ve been getting rides from my mum but she goes to work early but I don’t start until 2 hours after her so I’m just sitting outside of the store as the sun rises in the heat and humidity but I’m sucking it up cause I don’t have any other choice

And ways I’m working 8-10 hours at this hard labor job in the heat, humidity, and rain which I really don’t mind like I said it’s worth it but even if I’m exhausted cause my literal fucking muscles are fucking hurting and today I had to wait almost an hour for all these fucking cunts to get in the car to pick me up but then also go to their store after which whatever it is what it is I can’t do shit about it but then after being at the store for another hour I’m fucking tired my legs are literally throbbing with each step

I’m done I’m tired I can’t help but be fucking pissed they know how tired I am and how much I’ve been working but they don’t care this woman had the day off and her stupid fucking husband had most of the day off only worked at least 3 hours and I had to go to work late bc I start 2 hours after them so I already gave my manager a notice beforehand but still that’s hour I LOST but it is what it is anyways I just keep snapping at them cause I’m tired it was too hot to wait in the car and god forbid if I stayed in the car with ac on but finally we leave and both mum and sister are basically mocking/complaining about my attitude this bitch goes “what’s your problem” I straight up told her angrily “I’m tired!” And this bitch just says “ then go” as she signals the exit…

This entire time they’ve been supportive of me finally getting a job and I’m so happy for this job too but for them to have a problem with me having to WAIT and SHOP AFTER WORK just is not okay so as soon as we go in the car I put my earbuds in and blast loud music cause I don’t want to fight I just wanted to go home eat shower and sleep but I can’t do shit in peace I think they tried talking to me but I can’t hear shit from them but when it was changing songs I heard my mum and her husband making fun of me so it’s just never enough I didn’t even get to eat I just took a shower and planning on sleep early might have a big breakfast tomorrow idk I’m tired

#personal vent #vent blog #vent post

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racingtoaredlight · 1 year ago

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Goodnight, Sweet Prince

Disclaimer: You don't want to read this...it's brutal. I won't take offense if you don't read, but please keep unrelated comments on the Open Thread that will post shortly.

***

This is my 4th attempt at writing something that Willie 100% deserves, but I keep breaking down and I just can't stop crying. I loved him so much, it's just ripping me apart. I loved him so goddamned much.

I was so proud to be his owner. I fucking hate that term, I just don't know what else to use.

I took him everywhere I could. Everywhere he went, he drew people in...this isn't hyperbole, at least once per week I'd be stopped by someone driving and spend a minute or two chatting about him. He was everything I ever wanted in a dog...from his athleticism to his personality to his sense of humor.

Every day I'd get in my car to go home from work, I'd excitedly start my car and say "I'm comin' Willie!" But now he's gone. He's not there to come home to anymore. I walk around my house looking for him and he's just not there.

***

My past four months have been a form of hell, and I've tried really hard not to bring it here...but it's just really hard when that's all you can think about.

I've known my father was going to die since his two heart attacks on the same weekend seven and a half years ago. Those heart attacks happened a month after my beloved grandmother passed away.

I've talked about my issues with manic depression in the past, as well as openly discussed that I've been a danger to myself in the past.

When I was on that edge, my first thought was "if I die, nobody will take Willie, and he'll end his life in a shelter waiting for anyone to adopt him." How could I do that to him again? Despite the shitstorm going on in my brain, even in that state, thinking of him cut through it enough to bring me back.

I don't say this lightly...if it weren't for Willie, I would not be here.

***

My father is in hospice and will likely pass within a week or so. The past four months have featured numerous trips to the ER, doc visits, tests, you name it...pretty much all week, every other week as the doctors kept trying their best to keep a man with a 6% functioning heart and 11% functioning kidneys alive.

The easy parts were running to his place to water his plants. Or coming over in the morning to make him a milkshake while we listen to music. The hard parts have been hanging up the phone or leaving his place, and the first thing that runs through my mind is "will this be the last conversation we ever have?"

The medium hard parts were running to the grocery store or the pharmacy in between meetings. Or preparing him 3 days worth of food in the 45 minutes I had before a guitar lesson. And 1.5 of those days I'd be throwing out the next time I stopped by.

The hardest part was wondering who'd go first.

I never complained about any of this. I'd do it again for the both of them without a conscious thought because I love them both so much. But it wears on you. Month after month does a toll.

***

I've been doing all of this, on top of an insane pace at work, on almost no sleep.

The vet told me to keep a diary of his health throughout all this. You notice a string of bad days, but the first good day and a half and all of the sudden that concern washes away. Keeping a diary allows you to get a relatively objective look at your dog's health, and notice long-term trends.

Unfortuantely...as I've known with my dad's heart condition, sleep is a big factor...I tracked Willie's sleep and got a wonderful look every day at how little I'd gotten over months. Months.

And I knew I lied in the diary. I didn't want to admit to myself that Willie's condition was getting so much worse...even if I couldn't ignore the 8th straight day he'd wake me up before 3am. Let me put it this way...in the last three months, I've had six full nights of sleep. Another 12 of days he woke me up after 3am. Every other day was a 2-3am wakeup call, and three of those days were no sleep at all.

It wasn't as simple as getting up and letting him outside to relieve his fading bladder...the next hours before I went to work were spent comforting him on the couch, as his increasingly weakening heart pounded like hell to circulate enough blood through his system.

He didn't wake me up all those nights because he had to pee...he woke me up all those nights so that I could make him less afraid of his heart feeling like it was drowning due to an edema. He'd get comforted and calm down to sleep just around the time I had to get up and get ready for work.

And every morning, every day I'd come home from work...whenever I'd leave him...there was a simultaneous terror combined with hope that I'd find him having passed away in slumber. A peaceful, painless, natural death.

***

There were so many good memories of our time together, please don't ever suggest that I'm glossing over them. I am at a certain peace...it was his time, it was a wonderful goodbye, and so many of my friends and family have come to his support, that's brought me to tears separately.

He was a special guy, he touched everyone's life that he met. He was wonderful with children, wonderful with others, terrible with other dogs (but you can't win em all).

Those memories will always come back as long as I still have a functioning brain. Right now is so close though, all I can feel is loneliness.

Over the years, I've shared numerous anecdotes of Willie because I was so proud of him that I wanted that joy to be spread to others. But all I can feel is the pain of having lost my best friend.

There's a common refrain "you don't know what you got until it's gone," or some variation of that. I thought I knew what I had in my relationship with Willie...but given this gigantic empty space in my heart, this giant fucking chasm, I somehow underestimated how much he was giving me.

***

The thing that scares me the most about the future isn't losing my father, it's losing a grasp of joy.

Pretty much everyone here knows I struggle deeply with anger issues and have a darker side that I try really hard to keep tamped down. I talked about this with my therapist yesterday before the vet came over...

Willie was always a bulwark against the darker side of my brain coming to the front. Even in my worst moods, where I'm borderline psychotic, even just looking at him would bring me to a calmer, sustainable place psychologically. "Those" days at work? They bothered me less knowing I'd be on the couch chillin' with my big boy in 15 minutes.

As his condition worsened, so did the vet bills and trips. $100 a pop, $450 for an echocardiogram here, $200 dog cardiologist fees, $180 for a Lasix IV there, $150 every month for his heart medication, $50 per month on all the stuff he needed for his arthritis, and it seriously just goes on and on. Thousands and thousands of dollars over the last four months. Nevermind the car trips there and back that wreaked havoc on his heart...

But I would have done fucking anything for this dog. Anything except selfishly keep him alive when he's telling me he just can't anymore...I knew it was the right thing, and I feel like I fucking completely betrayed and failed him, at a time when he needed me the most.

That helpless feeling..."I can't do fucking shit"...I'd find myself at 3am googling "if you love a dog enough will it live forever?" You know the answer. I knew the answer. That's where I'm still at.

***

I should've quit writing this paragraphs ago...I'm just fucking sobbing and this isn't doing me any good. And I can't just talk about the good times, because all I can think of is that those times are gone. Every time I think of something beautiful or joyful, it's immediately poisoned by an onset of sobbing because I miss him so much already.

You all know how much Willie meant to me. I don't have to make the case for that...I loved that dog more than I've loved anything in my life. And I don't give a shit if you think that's sad or immature or lame.

I kept quitting this and coming back because he deserves it. He deserves to be commemorated for the tremendous companion he was...and as much as I'd love to be able to write that piece that makes everyone happy and celebrates him, I just can't write that piece right now. The joyful memories will come when I'm in a healthier state, I'm certain of it.

But I can't keep writing this and just crying all over myself. He deserved a much better eulogy than this, but this is the best that I could do. It feels like I failed him already yesterday and now I feel like I'm failing him again.

Willie was the greatest dog in the world, my best friend, my savior, and adopting him was the single most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. I'll love him forever no matter what. I'm just really hurting right now.

***

During this time, I've been trying to think of something to preserve his memory with what few skills I possess, and I have no idea how to do this or even get it started, but I want to start a non-profit called The Willie Fund where I can link with pit rescues across the country and provide funds for palliative care and dignified, in-home euthenasia for those in their communities that need it. I don't know where to start but I have to do something.

And thank you guys for letting me share Willie with you all these years. I'll be back at some point.

*The pic at the top was taken months ago, not yesterday...it's just my favorite serious picture of the two of us and thought it was a respectful image to remember our relationship by. I loved him so much and I know he loved me too.

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