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[nathank77]

11/6/24

1:50 p.m

My mother is being a royal bitch again. Her aid came. The dog barked and whines the whole time like crazy pushing her cage all over the kitchen. She drives me fucking crazy. And then my mother is stressed dealing with her stoma and displaces all her anger at me the scape goat. Things would be a lot more peaceful if we didn't have a dog barking and whining nonstop don't you think?

I just thought Katie was unlucky. She said when her mother and father quit drinking, not a lot about them changed. I believed her but as my mother quit drinking, I thought she was completely different. And for Katie it must just have been her parents and who they are as people.

Well over a month of her being sober and her being home for at least 2 weeks and yea Katie is right. She didn't change much. She doesn't repeat herself as much. She isn't as happy as she once was when she was chemically altered... but she's the same.

She made a comment about no one taking out the trash. When she made the decision to keep Riley i dropped all responsibilities. And I mean all of them. All of them.

So I said to her, "you want to know what id do if Riley left, I'd take out the trash so long as you held the top open. And I'd do"

Then she started screaming, shut up, shut up, stop talking and she was slamming her hands on the table over and over again. I mean a fucking melt down and I was talking, not yelling....

She's basically the same. Just doesn't have much of an excuse for being a cunt this time.

I'm aggravated cause she just blames me for everything but yea your stoma must be awful. I can only imagine especially with a yapping dog panicking the entire time you have to deal with it, huh? How is that my fault.

I don't need to go to the e.r. I wish I went to the gym but I had to wait for a call and I didn't want to be running and have to stop.... they don't think it's serious... I might try the injectable chlorestoral medication but im scared. I might try the statin sometime soon again..

I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. And escape this awful hell. I'm so sick of being Alive. I hate where I live. I should have recorded her. She talks a shit storm to skye and Liv about me but christ. She comes at me with aggression. I respond most of the time with a, a matter of fact calmly. And then she just starts screaming.

Like I just can't cope. I guess I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow... and Saturday imma have a red bull day cause i have to go to my dad's on Sunday and I got to take more xanax anyways bc I know i won't sleep if I don't.... technically if I go to the gym Thursday I still hit 3 days this week, Saturday, Monday and Thursday... next week I'll go Monday, Wednesday and Friday....

Idk when or if i should retry the statin bc this was before the gym and it hurt my wrist and my muscles were achy and when I touched my leg it was tender.... idk what to do but I'm sick of being here...

What i read about my injectable medication and side effects specifically thyroid is it can cause thyriod storm. It happened to one person. That worries me and it can cause gastroenteritis.... makes me worry about it causing chorns or something in the long run. Also it can cause diabetes... but I'm a little less worried about that one...

Something I've been thinking is my chlorestoral went up from March to September... right after starting Methimazole and white mulberries... I mean idk. Meds can cause all sorts of side effects. White mulberries are known to lower chlorestoral but in this case it had no effect. What if Methimazole can raise it. Or even Xanax. I mean it's been almost a year of xanax. I have no idea.

I'm worried about sleep tonight bc i took 1mg last night bc my anxiety was so bad. And I can't do it tonight. I need to reserve it for Saturday so I can make sure I see my dad for his birthday.

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[nathank77]

9/16/24

12:20 p.m

Part of me wonders if the sound effect auditory hallucinations with the mental pictures while on Xanax are simply put due to the decrease in effectiveness from the white mulberries???

I mean yes it was happening when I was taking the 6 horse pills=3000mg.... BUT only when I was about 6 to 8 hours on the Xanax. Never at the beginning..... it only happened when I would wake up and try to fall back to sleep.

It's got to be that the white mulberry extract isn't as effective.

I took 6 horse pills today. I have 8 more horse pills...... so I can dose myself approximately 3000mg tomorrow but then I'll just have 2 left.....

That leaves 2 or 3 more days before I can go back on my horse pill supplements...

I still have two different brands all claiming to be equivalent to whatever.... I'm going to have to figure out what to take to cover those 2 days.... maybe I'll take one of them tomorrow and leave the 6 for the eye dr appt so I don't have to hallucinate more that day.....but then sleep could be rough the night before the dr.....

The thing is I'm scared to take more bc they claim they are equivalent....

If I take the 5000mg capsule with a 10:1 extract equivalent that is 500mg per serving....am I actually taking 5000mg? Should I take a few pills? What if it hurts me?

The other brand is 750mg 4:1 extract equivalent to 3000mg, take 3 pills to equal 3000mg..... I've taken those yesterday and the day before and I didn't feel relief.. I actually took 4 pills yesterday cause it's per serving 750mg extract equivalent to 3000mg..... making each pill maybe 250mg..... I don't know....

I got to figure out when to take my last full dose and what to take and how many of these equivalent extracts to get me to the day my pills are delivered.....

There is already a small difference having taken my ordinary dose. It's getting more and more silent.....

What am I supposed to do?

Do I gamble and take 6 of the 500mg=5000mg bottle?

Do I gamble and take 3000mg that was extra super ineffective?

The 10:1 extract does seem more powerful than the other brand but not as powerful as the original brand....

I don't want to fuck my body up. Why aren't supplement regulated by the FDA? bc some people rely on them tbh.....

They are my antipsychotics and they are far safer than the poison pills big pharma gives to people like me.

Idk what to do....

I also have to start taking folate but I won't start it until after my antibiotic..... and I can't find a brand that has 1MG.... also all the bottles say women's health.. cause a lot of pregnant people take them... it's whatever I'm going to take it but I can't start until at least 1 day off the antibiotic and I can't find a cheap brand with the dose I want. And idk what DFE means.... they say like 1gram of folic Acid.... dfe 1033 or something like that.

This is why the fda should regulate supplements. Pregnant PEOPLE I keep saying women like a cis normative asshole. Pregnant people take supplements. They could all be sugar pills. They could be lying about extract equivalent..

Why aren't theses vitamins prescription to begin with if the FDA wont bother regulating supplements?

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[nietr]

dr00g talk ahead, if drug talk triggers your cravings and you're dealing with addiction, beware....

i can literally take about like 10-20mg of klonopin and not feel like i feel all that different but take 0.5mg of xanax and feel minor buzz-like effects despite my tolerance. its too bad my kpins are a 90 count but my xanax is a 10 1mg count. wish it was the other way around?

all benzos effect you different, and i'm sure when im taking a crazy amount of klonopin im still fucked up i just dont realize it as much whereas with xanax i feel mad mellowed out and very much more sedated whereas klonopin just doesnt give me that buzz. maybe its years of taking klonopin as my medication? more tolerance to klonopin?

but you'd think its just benzo tolerance. wouldn't that have a crossover effect to other benzos? why do other benzos seem to feel stronger to me? is klonopin just weak or what? because from what i've read, some people say it is on the higher end of the spectrum in terms of potency. its supposed to be stronger than ativan but when i traded a coworker a 0.5mg klonopin for an ativan, the ativan felt stronger....

maybe its just in my head, or like i said, maybe they all effect you differently. obviously they have different modes of action and half lifes i just wish i could trade my klonopin in for a different benzo at this point but i think my psychiatrist would see it as drug-seeking behavior which is a really bad idea to even ask..

idk anybody got any ideas on whats going on?

[builder051]

Hi, hello, welcome to Starbucks Sunday. Sorry I’m late; I was repairing a bobble head and writing a Christmas card at the same time. Quite literally. The shit we do around here.

I’m actually feeling quite good. I’ve made changes to my feeding and fluid regimen, going at a slower feed rate pretty much 24/7 and alternating saline and D5 IV all day and night as well. It means more pumps and hookups, but for the energy boost— yes, please. We didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but yesterday we drove to my roommate’s parents’ house for a turkey dinner thing… I accidentally snowed myself on Xanax and wound up sleeping through it. (I took 1mg. My usual dose. But I haven’t taken it during the day in a minute, so I guess I didn’t recall the effects very well…?)

Ok, here’s the plan. I’m running things from the iPad, so bolded headings and things might get a little squirly.

I have one pre-written thing that needs a little polish-up, then I’m posting it immediately.

I’ll find an ask game.

I’m taking prompts. Seasonally appropriate/Thanksgiving/Winter is fine, as long as the rules are observed (pls no overeating, tons of food refs, food poisoning, etc.). Also, I’ll probably only get to only 2 or 3 things. The rest will be kept in the box for later. (I’m not throwing them out or ignoring them.)

See the holiday card questionnaire I posted a bit ago; I’ll reboot it at the end of the session.

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[nathank77]

8/26/26

8:28 a.m Added to at 8:50 a.m

I took my normal dose with a tiny baby Sliver. Couldn't be more than .1... I prob took .8 or so. I fell asleep fast. Really fast. And I slept really well. I def didn't take a one but it was close. I took it cause I had anxiety about GED and I was scared I wouldn't sleep... and it was so tiny, I mean. It took restraint to not take a full 1 bc I knew my anxiety would be non-existent...

I don't think the dose is what knocked me out. I think that my thyroid is getting the full dose of Methimazole... today I just took my 3rd 5mg that didn't have l salvariuos mixed in.

It's weird but ever since I fixed my circadian rhythm which lined up with taking Methimazole without l salvariuos and making sure the bioavailabilty wasn't affecting it I've been sleeping easier... the first two nights took me 20 minutes or more.

But last night and the night before I was out like a light. I was so stupid for thinking xanax was losing it effectiveness.

Sure people who take it during the day time hours and force themselves to walk around and do life, stop feeling the sedating effects but if you take it for bedtime on your circadian rhythm and close your eyes. It will always sedate you and help you sleep.

Last night I fell asleep quicker than any other night in a long time. My eyes must have been closed for like 5 minutes maximum. How I wish that could be every night. I'd stop having so much anxiety about sleeping.

Of course I'm like it's bc you added the Sliver. It was so small so fucking tiny, I didn't even write it down for one of my 1mg days bc the original dose was like maybe .6 or .7 maybe .8 which is my normal. But I was thinking it was a .7..

I cut them chunky but they all are not equal. I'm just glad I slept well.

My hallucination has been awful this morning... worse part is I haven't touched weed in almost a week... I don't get it.. but yea I'm just thankful I slept. Today is the last day of barebones hardcore moshpit...

Imma try but not hold my hopes high. I got to shave my head/face and trim my beard. It may get held off until tomorrow if bo4 goes well. If not... well I'll do it today.

I'm still scared about GED but my mri appeared normal.... and according to reddit a lot of people get it and aren't recommended tepezza bc of the side effects. They just have to see a neurooptimalogist yearly or so and have mri and ct scans and have their eyes measured to make sure it doesn't come back or worsen.

I'm just going to remind myself all day my mri would have denoted inflammation in my optic nerve. Or excessive fatty tissue in my orbits. There would have been signs.

My anxiety brain is like bro they didn't look at it. I just doubt that, they were looking for any abnormalities and if it was abnormal they would have found it.

Despite that I do worry cause I know I was effected by GED.... the pictures I posted below don't lie.

Something that scares me about it is what if my eye lids don't close fully bc my eyes are more buldgy... or what if I do tepezza and my eye lids do meet right now and then they get droopy and i need surgery bc my eyes get pulled inwards..... SUICIDE is the answer to that what if. I'm terrified. I do think my eyes close all the way... but see these things I'm typing are true concerns for GED.

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