#16 year old me would be in some heavy drama with current me which would end with me getting a callout post in a toxic manner | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

renardtrickster · 5 years ago

Note

I am going to kill you and ask you to do every number on that ask post

You devious yet cute bastard, I’m in.

1. What is you middle name?

Personal information so I’m not divulging it, but it abbreviates to X.

2. How old are you?

Legal.

3. When is your birthday?

September 26.

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Libra/The Scales/The Dragon/Terepy

5. What is your favorite color?

Dark Green. #127712 specifically.

6. What’s your lucky number?

I think 2? I do like 12 though.

7. Do you have any pets?

Not anymore. I used to have two dogs though.

8. Where are you from?

Florida. I came out of the swamps.

9. How tall are you?

5′10″

10. What shoe size are you?

28cm, Women’s 11.5, Men’s 9.5, that’s what my sneakers say.

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Two. A pair of loafers so broken down I avoid wearing them whenever possible, and a pair of fine sneakers.

12. What was your last dream about?

All I remember is that Duff McWhalen’s theme song was playing throughout it and it was really annoying after a while.

13. What talents do you have?

I would say my talents are acute memory of obscure topics, vivid storytelling, and I’m pretty good at video games.

14. Are you psychic in any way?

It doesn’t happen with much frequency nowadays, but when I was younger and it happened a bit more often, I could always tell when I was being observed with no other clues. I could feel the eyes on my back. I can also bend spoons and set fires with my mind but that’s less interesting.

15. Favorite song?

More like favorite song right now, but probably Rocket Surgeon.

16. Favorite movie?

The Persona 3 movies currently.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Off of the top of my head, I’m imagining someone who’s heart-throbbing to look at (pretty women or cute boys), pretty sharp, tough to boot, has a lot in common with me, and is understanding too. I’ve got a few quirks, and it’d be nice to know that I’m not condemned to dying alone because of them.

18. Do you want children?

Not in the slightest.

19. Do you want a church wedding?

I don’t even want a wedding wedding. If we’re partners, isn’t being together enough? From what I know, weddings just add unnecessary stress and complication.

20. Are you religious?

I’m definitely spiritual, and Religion connected to that, even if I don’t devote myself to a specific doctrine. It’s less pantheism and more “they’re probably all true to an extent and also SMT is real”. In any case I just try to be a good person.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

As a patient, none that I could remember but I know I went because of various injuries. As a visitor, quite a few times.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

I’ve done things that would get me in trouble with the law, but have not run afoul of them yet. The closest would be that one time I was staying at a hotel, and the police knocked on my door and asked if I knew where someone was living. I didn’t, but I guessed anyway, and that’s how half the hotel had the police knocking on their door.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

No.

24. Baths or showers?

Showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

White with grey soles.

26. Have you ever been famous?

I have a lot of followers on this tumblr blog, would that count?

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

I want to be a famous author, so kind of. But I want to still retain my anonymity and not have my real name and face attached to stuff. Yoko Taro gives me hope in that regard, because he’s rather famous but any information we know about him, we know on his terms. That’s how I want to live.

28. What type of music do you like?

I usually listen to video game OSTs, and most of the ones I listen to are so genre-blending so it’s hard to pin down. Most of it is instrumental, but I’m not opposed to music with vocals. Genres aren’t cohesive, so I’d say “music that makes you want to punch robots to” and “music that makes you want to talk to friends to”. J-rap is pretty good though.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Hell no!

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One.

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

I toss and turn before going to sleep and while asleep, but my back seems to be consistent.

32. How big is your house?

It’s pretty decent. 2 room 1 bath, and the living room is rectangular.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Milk & cereal, or pop-tarts.

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

No, but I want to.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

I think once in grade school. I wish I could try again though.

36. Favorite clean word?

Cerebral just off the top of my head.

37. Favorite swear word?

Bastard or Shit. The former is innately funny and all-purpose to refer to someone. The latter is so versatile it can be used in any context.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

I think a day, although the standard is around 18.

39. Do you have any scars?

I don’t think so.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

I think there was one person in school who had a thing for me but they were gay and at the time I thought I was straight, so I paid them no mind. There was also someone who said “X likes you”, but I didn’t know who X was so I said “cool” and went on my way. I was also propositioned once in middle school, but that’s less “secret admirer” and more “sexual harasser”.

41. Are you a good liar?

I think so.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

For good people, yes. For bad people, no.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Yeah. I remember playing Undertale and my little sister was nearby, and I decided to voice all the characters. I had a lot of fun!

44. Do you have a strong accent?

I’m actually the only member of my family that doesn’t have a Boston accent.

45. What is your favorite accent?

Russian, hands-down.

46. What is your personality type?

According the the Myers-Briggs test I just took, ISFP-T/Adventurer. Which is bizarre considering I’m pretty sure I got a different result a year or so ago. According to “what word would you use”, droll.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

I have no idea. Either those sneakers, or the heavy winter jacket I got when I was in Colorado. Both were gifts, so I never saw the pricetag, but my Dad said they were pretty nice-looking.

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Yeth.

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

Inside.

50. Left or right handed?

Left.

51. Are you scared of spiders?

My knowledge of spiders is well enough that I know at least 2 types of spiders who can kill you horribly in one bite, and know little enough that I can’t tell any of them apart from common house spiders. I’m more afraid of dying stupidly because the boner spider snuck up on me than the idea of spiders themselves.

52. Favorite food?

Either Macaroni & Cheese or Cheeseburgers.

53. Favorite foreign food?

Burritos probably, even though I usually only eat meat and cheese on them. Are you detecting a theme because I am.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

I try to be clean, but I’m usually a bit scattered.

55. Most used phrased?

“says something about”, “despite that” are some. Although I know I tend to use a few stock phrases When I Post Long.

56. Most used word?

I wouldn’t even know where to begin finding that out.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

Maybe a few minutes, although I’m usually working on a set routine.

58. Do you have much of an ego?

I don’t think I do. If I do, I tend to exaggerate it or turn it to a positive end.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

No matter how hard I want to keep it at sucking, I usually bite at some point. Don’t screencap this.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

Yes.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

No.

62. Are you a good singer?

Also no.

63. Biggest Fear?

Most if not all of my friends, and the people I admire as well, all either start hating me or end up hating me and I lose every social connection I have or want to have. The reason varies, whether it be my fault or someone slandering me, but being hated by people I like freaks me out. As does the idea of not being able to tell my stories.

64. Are you a gossip?

I’d like to say no but considering I rather frequently discuss discourse in my Discord chats, I guess I am.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

I do not watch drama films.

66. Do you like long or short hair?

On myself, long-to-middle length. On others, any length really.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Probably not.

68. Favorite school subject?

Social studies was a strong suit of mine.

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

Introvert.

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

No.

71. What makes you nervous?

Time passing and things not getting done.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

No. The things in the dark can eat it too.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Yes, but I try to be kind about it. Or funny.

74. Are you ticklish?

I haven’t been tickled recently, so I wouldn’t know.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

No. At worst, I’ve spread information I don’t think is 100% accurate, but I ALWAYS disclaim that it shouldn’t be trusted without further research.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

I’m an older sibling, so yes.

77. Have you ever drank underage?

No.

78. Have you ever done drugs?

No, but I was offered twice. Once by an irresponsible (and awful) authority figure, once by some kids in the bathroom. Both times I said “no thanks”, and funny enough the former tried to change my mind, and the latter just said “ok cool”.

79. Who was your first real crush?

Oh god here come the bad memories. I’m heavily abbreviating and redacting information to protect the identities of me and all involved, but in Colorado I met someone in middle school who more or less fit all my parameters for “ideal partner”. But I was terminally nervous and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, so I left it at that. Eventually I had to abruptly leave the state for reasons I don’t want to get into, and all a week or so later I made a Facebook account and found all my friends. My contact with my crush was the most constant. Eventually, I was talking with a different buddy, and they mentioned romantic problems. I mentioned I had some too, and they eventually ferreted it out of me. They told me I should confess, and I said no, both because I want to remain friends, and because I can’t do a long-distance relationship. They told me they’d go behind my back if I didn’t, and I warned them not to. Five minutes later, I get messaged by my crush. To put it short, it wouldn’t work out. I stopped talking to both, and was pretty depressed afterwards, to the point where I couldn’t feel any romance, sexuality, or companionship towards anybody. I got over it sometime later, and I think I realized I was bi around the same time. I kind of wish I could smooth things over, but it’s been so long I don’t think it’s an option anymore. Plus Facebook has a horrible interface and is terrible so I really don’t want to.

80. How many piercings do you have?

Zero.

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

No.

82. How fast can you type?

VERY.

83. How fast can you run?

Also VERY.

84. What color is your hair?

Dark.

85. What color is your eyes?

I looked in a mirror for a minute. I think it’s either grey, green, or brown?

86. What are you allergic to?

Pollen and bullets.

87. Do you keep a journal?

No.

88. What do your parents do?

My Dad makes food at the mall.

89. Do you like your age?

I wish I had all the benefits of adulthood but was still 17.

90. What makes you angry?

People acting stupid when they should know better, things not working when they should, and things going wrong when they shouldn’t. While not my intention in answering this question, this site has all three :^)

91. Do you like your own name?

My given name is pretty okay. I really like Renardie though.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I am not having children.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Three times I have said I’m not having children.

94. What are you strengths?

Imagination, expression, intellect, and pluck.

95. What are your weaknesses?

Procrastination, anxiety, and obsession.

96. How did you get your name?

For my given name, I’ll keep it brief for privacy’s sake, but my parents are comic book nerds. For Renardie, I’m simply a fan of Reynard the Fox.

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

My Dad’s a King in the figurative sense, does that count?

98. Do you have any scars?

This is a repeat question. Someone get OP’s ass.

99. Color of your bedspread?

Off-color baby blue.

100. Color of your room?

White.

#renardie taking questions #oh no renardie is posting

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queenrandomblogs · 5 years ago

Text

Acceptance is a start

Part 1 , Part 2

"Alright, something's wrong. Mind telling me what?"

She paused. Damn it. Her chocolate brown eyes twitched in annoyance at the damn fact that she could never, no matter how much she tried, hide something from her mother. She stopped writing her homework and merely stared at it. Her mind wandered off as it usually did. "Something's wrong." — everything's wrong, mother. Not something, everything. Yet she couldn't stop. She couldn't stop loving the boy she knew won't love her back the same way even if she killed for it. Her heart felt heavy as it usually did when she thought of him and her current situation. The situation being that she was, well, head over heels for a boy who openly announced that he wanted no girl other than the girl he claimed as his — the girl that wasn't her. It hurt. It really did. But what can she do about it? Nothing. She can't do anything about it except for moving on which is quite a hard task, especially since she'd love him for more than a year now. She let out a silent chuckle. There she goes again. Feeling like a highschool girl with a crush. It was as if she was thirteen again except this time it was different. This time it wasn't just a crush anymore, it was love now. Love she never wanted. But of course, Fate doesn't run that day. It seemed to give her the opposite of what she wanted. Oh, you don't want to love anyone at the age of 16? Well, too bad. You're now in love with the boy who considers you as his sister, good luck. Oh, what's that? You want a non drama-filled life? Huh? Sorry — not — but drama is waiting for you, my dear. Have fun! Goodness, Fate doesn't want to give her a break, Huh? Realizing that she had yet to respond, she raised her dull chocolate brown eyes to the blue eyes of her mother.

"Whatever do you mean, mother?"

She almost flinched at the dull tone of her response. Since when had she lost her cheery tone? Oh, that's right. Since the day she realized her feelings which was, unfortunately for her, the day the boy she garnered feelings for proclaimed his love for a girl that, surprise surprise, wasn't her. Her eyebrows raised at the face of her mother — one that clearly states she wasn't buying her bluff. Sighing again, her chocolate brown eyes moved back to the unfinished homework lying on her desk. Her hands made a movement to grab her pen just as her mother sighed and made a move to leave the room. She started writing yet again but her mind was somewhere else. Damn it. Why does this have to be so hard? Why couldn't she just focus on her homework and forget everything else? Don't answer that. She knew the answer. She knew that, even if she tried to do so, her mind won't focus on her homework because it was busy focusing on something else and for once, it wasn't him. It was her mother. She pondered whether or not she should tell her mother. After all, she needed someone to talk to about all of this. About her feelings. Bolting it all up wasn't healthy for her, it never had been. She tightened her grip on her pen before loosening it again with a sigh.

"I love him"

The words were out in the open now. Damn, it felt relieving to say that. All these time, she knew that she loved him but she never, not once, said it out loud in fear of someone overhearing her. She knew that if someone did, they wouldn't know who she was referring to but still, better safe than sorry. Hearing it said out in the open was like confirming her thoughts. She loved him. Oh my God. She loved. But he doesn't love her. Not in the way she wanted him to, at least. Her eyes fluttered close as yet another round of tears made it's way to her eyes but this time, it didn't fall, she prevented it from falling. With glossy chocolate brown eyes, she moved her head and stared at the frozen figure in her doorway. Her mother's frozen figure, to be specific. Her mother's blue eyes stared at her, her daughter, with barely concealed shock. Who? What? Why? When? Those were the thoughts circling her mother's mind as she watched her daughter, as she watched her, with tears in her eyes, repeat her words like a broken record and getting more emotional every turn.

"I love him..."

He doesn't love me.

"I love him..."

And it hurts.

"I love him..."

I'm scared.

"I love him..."

I don't know what to do.

"I love him......"

Help me, mother.

Tears continued to form itself in her eyes yet she didn't let them fall, she didn't allow them too. She was tired. She didn't want this anymore. Loving him was killing her and she needed to stop, only problem was she didn't know how. Her eyes closed as the thought stayed in her head. She didn't know how to not love him and that scared her, more than ever. Her chocolate brown eyes stared at her shaking hands, her tears still not falling. She took a shaky breath. No, don't cry. You've cried enough already. No need to cry again. Her mind involuntarily remembered the boy she loved so much and the girl she longed to be and the thought made her want to cry. Her hands shook more visibly as her mind made her remember the pair and their loving nature towards one another. Before she could panic more, a hand was suddenly covering that of her own. Her eyes snapped upwards only to be met by the calm blue eyes of her mother. She was so mesmerized at the caring and calming eyes of her mother that she almost failed to notice the words that escaped her lips in a soft, scared whisper.

"I'm scared..."

"I know..."

Her mother was quick to comfort her. She felt her mother's arms wrap themselves around her figure and closed her eyes, leaning towards her mother, desperately in need of the warmth and comfort she knew her mother would give her.

"Loving...it's scary, especially for someone as young as you..."

She listened to her mother speak and couldn't help but agree with her mother's words. It was true. Loving was — is scary. It always had been. No matter how old or how prepared you might think you are, loving someone, especially in a romantic way, will always be scary — that much she knew of. But even then, even if the words that left her mother's mouth was not something knew to her, it brought her a sense of comfort she needed.

"It's scary but it's also wonderful. It's such an amazing feeling, once you get over the scary part. You're constantly happy and you'll always feel as if you are on top of the world..."

She smiled. She caught up on the love and passion in her mother's voice and smiled, feeling happy that her mother experienced love in the best way possible. Sure, she couldn't see how love can be so wonderful as it had been nothing but cruel to her but to hear her mother say it as if she had experienced it before, and there's no doubt that she had and still do, makes me happy. They may not have been the closest mother-daughter pair out there but they care about one another, even after their multiple arguments. They care and that's what matters. Of course, her sense of happiness didn't last for long. As soon as she remembered that she had yet to experience that kind of love, her smile dimmed and tears continued to form in her eyes as she felt a bittersweet feeling creep up on her. She wished she experienced the kind of love her mother talks greatly about and not the love she was experiencing now. It sounded great. Her mother must have picked up on her down mood as she continued.

"But love can also be painful... It's not all rainbows and sunshine. It can hurt someone and I have no doubt you're hurting from love right now..."

The way her mother said it made her look away from her. Shame filled her body even when there was nothing to be ashamed about. Love can hurt someone and it was hurting her — it was normal. Her mother sighed and placed both of her hands on her cheek and made her look straight into her blue eyes. Chocolate brown met Crystal blue.

"I'm not shaming you, child. I just want you to know that what you're feeling right now — it's normal. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your loving and you're hurting — it's normal. But I assure you, daughter of mine. You'll find the same kind of love I found in your father someday. Not right now, but some day. It may be years from now. Or weeks. Or days, even. But you'll find it. I know you will..."

The mother-daughter duo shared a smile that warmed both of their hearts. Her chocolate brown eyes watched as her mother pressed her forehead next to hers and continued.

"The love you have for this boy — who ever he is — is hurting you, my child. I'm not asking you to stop loving him. It's hard, that I know. But I'm asking you to stop this..."

Confusion filled her body. What did her mother mean? Stop this? Stop what? What did she do? Her questions were answered not long after as her mother continued.

"Stop purposely hurting yourself. Stop pushing everyone away. Stop isolating yourself. Stop trying to lock it all in. It's not healthy."

Wide chocolate brown eyes stared at determined blue ones as her mother continued.

"Love is hurting you, I know. But that doesn't give you any reason to hurt yourself more by doing all of that. By isolating yourself. By keeping it all in..."

Tears of frustration gathered in her eyes as she continued to listen.

"Stop being so brave..."

With blurry eyes, she watched as her mother close her own pair of eyes and kiss her in the forehead before whispering the words that hit her right in her feelings.

"It's okay to let it all out, Madelaine..."

Tears left her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks without her permission as she finally let herself cry — not for him or for the fact that he wasn't hers but for her and the fact that she was hurting. And it felt good. For the first time in what felt like forever, she was crying for herself — she wasn't crying over him. The feeling was so phenomenal that she couldn't believe it. She let out a watery laugh and sent her mother a shaky smile through her tears.

"Thank you..."

She meant it. She really did. Without her mother and her words of wisdom and comfort, she would still be crying over him and not realizing that she was hurting herself. Her mother made her realize what she was too sad to realize on her own and for that, she was grateful.

"There's no need to thank me, child."

Oh but there was. Her mother was just too humble to realize that. But she didn't argue. She didn't feel like it. So instead, she just nodded her head and continued to hug her mother, feeling grateful for having a woman like her in her life.

Unknown to the both of them, it was in that moment that Madelaine took her first step in her road to healing. It was in that moment that she realized that sure, the fact the he wasn't hers still stung but that doesn't mean she had too beat herself over it. It was in that moment that she started to accept that he wasn't hers and for once, the thought didn't make her cry. In fact, it made her feel as if a weight in her shoulders had been released. It felt great.

After all, Acceptance is a start.

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rosemaidenvixen · 5 years ago

Text

You are my Sunshine

Chapter 16: Fifteen Part 2

Ao3

With a hiss the last few drops of brown liquid trickled down from the machine, allowing Walter Strickler to remove the pot from the apparatus and top off his mug. The coffee here was swill, but common courtesy prevailed.

Immediately after he was done, Karl stepped up to the counter to refill his own mug “Are you sure you can’t be a moderator for the debate team this semester?”

“Quite,” Strickler replied before taking a sip.

Swill, like he expected, but it got the job done. He headed out of the teacher’s lounge with Uhl following shortly after.

“Are you absolutely sure? Bonnie’s retirement left us short staffed, we really need more teachers involved,”

“I’m sorry Karl but I simply don’t have the free time,”

If he took on more duties as an educator, it would eat into the precious time he had for his other extracurricular activities.

But Karl didn’t need to know that.

“Have you tried asking Lenora? I’m sure she’d be more than happy to help out,”

Uhl’s expression turned stony “Have you forgotten the last time she moderated a debate? We nearly had a full scale riot on our hands,”

Strickler caught himself before he could chuckle at the memory. Calling it a riot was a bit extreme, but it had served as a lesson in why a student debate should never be catered with only Hawaiian pizza.

He was about to say something in Lenora’s defense with he caught a commotion out of the corner of his eye.

Turning he saw one of the freshmen, James Lake if he remembered correctly, kneeling on the floor and crying. No crying was too gentle a word, what James was experiencing was more akin to heavy, gut wrenching sobs that shook his whole body combined with tears flooding down his cheeks.

He was showing absolutely no sign of stopping or slowing down.

At first he wondered if this was an instance of bullying, certainly wouldn't be the first or last one of his career, but a second glance revealed that the students around him wore looks of shock and incredulity rather than scorn or mockery. More likely than not James was upset by something else entirely, and for whatever reason, was expressing that at the most inopportune moment.

Strickler eyed the steadily increasing crowd of adolescents.

Inopportune indeed.

He looked towards Karl, a look of mutual understanding flashed between the two of them.

“I will see to Mr. Lake, do you think you can disperse the crowd?”

The large austrian cracked his neck “Leave it to me,”

Uhl stormed into the throng of teenagers, some of whom fled immediately upon seeing him approach “Alright everyone, move along, you all have classes to be at so get going,”

Thanks to Karl’s...encouragement the crowd quickly thinned. Allowing Strickler to step in and pull James up by his shoulders, swiftly leading him down the hall away from the other students.

James had to have noticed Strickler's presence along with the fact he was upright and walking, but he showed no outward indication that he was aware of these things. Merely kept on weeping.

After less than a minute of brisk walking they reached Strickler’s office. He opened the door and shepherded James inside.

He let go of James’s shoulders to step back and partially close the door.

Turning back towards James, Strickler saw that while the teen was still bawling his eyes out, he had taken a seat at the piano stool.

Strickler cleared his throat in hopes of subtly grabbing James’s attention.

It was successful, James stifled his sobs to the best of his ability while wiping his eyes and looking up at him.

“Stay here for as long as you need to. Whenever you’re ready, come down into the principal’s office,”

James kept his composure long enough to meet Strickler’s eyes and nod, then it was straight back to sobbing.

Strickler quickly and discreetly exited the room, shutting the door behind him as silently as possible. No doubt the thing James probably wanted the most in this moment was privacy. Checking that the hall was clear of looky-loos, Strickler made his way to the front office.

He was starting to become concerned, the level of anguish James showed was far greater than anything that would be caused by typical teenage drama.

Something significantly more troubling was going on in James’s life.

After briefly explaining the situation to Principal Levit, Strickler began thumbing through the student records. All teenagers had their emotional ups and downs, but an outburst this severe and public at the very least warranted a call to his parents.

Still his mind wandered. What could be upsetting enough to cause a fourteen year old boy to break down in tears in full view of his classmates?

His search was interrupted by the sound of someone bursting into the office; and the sound of the secretary screeching at them about said bursting in.

“Is Jim around? Is he ok!?”

It was another freshman; Tobias Domzalski, often seen in the company of James Lake. No doubt the two were close friends. Maybe he could shed some light on the situation.

“Mr. Lake is just fine,” Strickler cut in, surprising both Tobias and the secretary, the latter of whom looked disgruntled about having lost the opportunity to give a student an ear blistering lecture “He is currently collecting himself somewhere private, although your concern is appreciated,”

Tobias visibly relaxed upon hearing that.

“Oh, ok...that's ...good….”

Strickler seized his opening.

“Do you have any idea why James-- Jim, was so out of sorts?”

Tobias visibly hesitated, showing the look of someone who clearly knew relevant information, but was uncertain about sharing it. No doubt he didn’t want to air his friend’s secrets to a stranger, and an adult at that.

But Strickler had been doing this for years and was nothing if not good at his job.

He relaxed his shoulders and opened his posture, projecting a manner that was reassuring without being patronizing “I know you’re worried about Jim, but if he needs help, any information you can give would be greatly appreciated, and I promise, nothing you say will leave this room,”

It was only a few seconds before Tobias relented, concern for his friend’s well being winning out over a desire to preserve his secrets “It’s just that...today’s his birthday…which was also the day his dad walked out...ten years ago,”

Well that would certainly lead to a public crying fit. Just when he thought that humans couldn’t surprise him with their pettiness anymore.

“Thank you for letting me know,” Strickler gave Tobias a smile that was affable but firm “Rest assured Jim will be fine, now you really should get back to class,”

For a moment it looked like Tobias was about to argue with him. Then he deflated, no doubt deciding that now was not the moment to argue with a teacher, before turning and exiting the office.

Filing away the information he gleaned from Tobias, Strickler went back to looking up Jim’s parents-- his mother’s contact information.

And there it was, the daytime phone number for one Doctor Barbara Lake.

He wasted no time in punching it into the office phone.

The other line rang three times before a female voice picked up “Hello?”

“Is this Dr. Lake speaking?”

“Yes?” she replied, a hint of a question behind her words.

“My name is Walter Strickler, I’m one of your son’s teachers at Arcadia Oaks High School,”

“Did something happen, is Jim ok?”

Well this one certainly didn’t beat around the bush.

“Jim is unhurt, but there was a bit of an incident,”

“A what!”

Strickler flinched at the shrillness of her tone, perhaps he should have been more specific.

“Jim started crying in the middle of the hallway,” he elaborated “Although currently, he is in my office getting it all out of his system,”

Rather than panic further at this news, Dr. Lake let out a small sigh of relief.

The fact that hearing this caused Dr. Lake to relax rather than rile her up further gave Strickler the courage to prod.

“A friend of Jim’s, Mr. Tobais Domzalski, told me what he thinks the cause of Jim’s emotional state might be,”

There was a brief pause before she spoke again.

“What exactly do you mean?” unexpectedly, her voice had taken on a hard, defensive edge.

Strickler winced, sensing he had ventured into dangerous territory, he would have to choose his next words carefully.

“Tobias made reference to the tenth anniversary of an event that was greatly upsetting for Jim,”

The silence between them stretched out for so long he wondered if the phones had been disconnected.

“Dr. Lake, are you still there?”

When her words came they held the promise of a coming storm “What sort of event was he talking about?”

Strickler took a deep breath, planning out the next thing he would say to her very carefully. One thing that remained constant throughout his years as a teacher, was that marital issues have been and always will be a sensitive subject “Forgive me if I’m incorrect, but my understanding of what he told me was that this day ten years ago was the day Jim’s father...left,”

The line was silent for a few seconds, then, rather than unleashing a tirade of indignation at him, he heard Dr. Lake sigh in what sounded like relief, oddly enough.

Strickler let out the breath he’d been holding, her responses were difficult to place, but he was happy enough to avoid butting heads with a parent, there was no need to dissect this woman’s motivations right at this moment.

“I….I think I know what this is about. I’ll be there in twenty minutes to pick him up,”

Strickler wasn’t sure if breaking down in tears warranted missing an entire school day, but Jim’s mother obviously knew more about the situation than he did. And he certainly wasn’t going to argue with her.

“I’ll meet you in the front office, Jim will come down and meet you as soon as he feels ready,”

“Thank you,” for the first time since she picked up the phone, Strickler thought he could detect the slightest hint of vulnerability in her tone.

And then she hung up.

Strickler set the phone down in the receiver and settled into one of the hard, plastic chairs to wait.

He’d been a teacher for longer than most humans had been alive, but certain aspects of it were just as trying now as when he first began, all those centuries ago.

#rmvwrites #tales of arcadia #trollhunters #fanfic #you are my sunshine #jim lake jr #barbara lake #walter strickler

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thesustainableswap · 5 years ago

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Making Peace With Failure.

I am failing. I have failed. All throughout my life. But I am learning to look at my failures with happiness, rather than regret or sadness. Often times, things we have performed badly at become things we are ashamed of. I have a serious case of imposter syndrome where I feel like I have to have complete knowledge on a subject before I speak about it which leads to me feeling deflated and not good enough - but I’m working on it.

I try to remind myself that failure happens in everyone’s life. Often. I’m trying to live a zero waste, vegan, and sustainable lifestyle but do I slip up sometimes? Yes. Are people perfect? No. I’ve met people who shop secondhand but still eat a diet heavy in meat. People who are vegan but still buy bottled water. A lot of people when they hear that I am a vegetarian on the cusp of veganism, or when I talk about my blog, think I will shout them down for their lifestyle, but I have always had the mindset of, if everyone does a little - that would help a lot. That’s good enough for me.

So what do I do when the impending doom of potential failure looks at me in the mirror? I try to recognise it as myself. Because I am the person who brings my failure into my life. It’s important to not dwell on the bad stuff and find the positive in everything, so I’m going to share some of my failures with you, and why they were positive moments in my life.

1. I was in a small time band and we were doing okay, but then we split up.

I look back on this moment now and I am relieved it didn’t work out (much to my Dad’s dismay. Sorry Dad!) I was the lead singer of Chase The Enemy, don’t worry if you haven’t heard of us, we really weren’t a big deal. I definitely thought, in my teenage brain, that we were going to be the next female fronted rock band. We had embarked on two very small tours (very small, pretty much around the South East of England), and had also started to have some small features in magazines like Rock Sound, Kerrang! and Big Cheese. Sounds exciting, but this period was a really unhappy time in my life, because my 16 year old self felt like she was going through the biggest heartbreak of her life. In fact, I was in a breakup for roughly around two or three years. It was one of those relationships that really dragged on, and my mental health also took a turn around this time, where at 18 I had a severe panic attack in which I genuinely thought I would die (because as we now know, panic attacks feel like heart attacks). If that band hadn’t split up, there’s a chance that terrible relationship could of dragged on and my mental health would have continued to deteriorate. I can look back on the band now and see the highs, because I’m no longer living in the lows. That is the positive for me. I am thankful every day that the band split up.

2. I struggled to get into drama school, and when I was accepted I couldn’t attend.

I took two gap years to audition for acting courses at several drama schools in London. This also overlapped with my panic attack which I’d mentioned previously, as the band had ended as this portion of my life was beginning. I really didn’t like drama school auditions, as most of the time I felt like cattle. Honestly. Some of the schools seem to cram hundreds of people into a room. It feels uncaring. I had desperately wanted to attend LIPA and got a recall for the course during my first gap year. When I went back for the second round I remember having to lie on the floor in a movement class and pretend I was in a bubble and it could be made out of whatever I wanted it to be made out of. The teacher would let us know if it got bigger or smaller and then would ask us how we were reacting to said bubble. So there I was, on the floor of a school in Liverpool, feeling completely stupid because I couldn’t pretend that I was in a bubble. Because there was no bubble. I was devastated when I was rejected, and in my second year of auditioning I didn’t even get a recall. I finally got accepted at a school in New York. Wowzers. But surprise surprise the fees were ridiculous so I had to close that chapter as soon as it opened. Luckily, in 2015 I was accepted at ICMP where I studied Vocal Performance - and music was my first love so everything clicked into place. I ended up with a first class honours degree and learnt so much from my amazing tutors there. I also met some friends for life, and the love of my life. So, sometimes failings lead us to what we were truly meant to do.

3. I have no clue what I’m doing now.

I know - can this one really be a failure when I haven’t listed anything specifically that I’ve failed at? Thoughts are strange things, but here we go: I moved to France with my partner because of Brexit and we currently live with his family. I write music and have been recording an EP. I started this blog because I have a passion for sustainability and wellbeing. Right now these sound like statements of things that are happening, but I have already felt like I’ve failed at all of them even though they have only just begun. Moving back in with family after university and years of independence always feels like failure at first. You’ve just graduated. You’re meant to be in the real world but instead you find yourself clueless with no idea where you’re going. I studied music, I love to sing, I’m currently writing songs and planning to start gigging next year, but I’m teaching kids English five days a week and making them toast. And then, when it comes to posting on this blog sometimes I don’t feel like I have the credentials to even be raising my voice. But from all of these internal failures and feelings I’ve learnt that patience is key. And happiness comes from within us. I may just be an English speaking nanny to the kids I look after, and I may just be my partner’s girlfriend to his family, but it is so valuable to take the time to ask yourself what is important in your life. To assess all of your failures, and make peace with them.

So, I read a lot, I listen to way too much of the Deliciously Ella podcast, and I spend time with my partner and our cat. I write on this blog and record music in my spare time. I try to focus on the now rather than the future. With each failure, I count my blessings and am thankful for each one. Because if I had got into drama school in Liverpool, or had world wide success with the band I was in, or not moved to France, I wouldn’t be here, now. I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t of met the same people and formed any of the relationships that are so special to me. Failures are a wonderful thing, because they guide us on our journey to discovery and purpose.

Until next time,

The Sustainable Swap.

(P.S - some of my favourite books at the moment: Solve for Happy by Mo Gawdat, The Imposter Cure by Dr Jessamy Hibberd and Brain Changer by Professor Felice Jacka. Also one of my best friends has just started an Instagram for her book collection check it out at Dog Ears and Coffee Stains)

#the sustainable swap #sustainable #sustainability #sustainable blogger #sustainable blog #wellbeing #mental health #failure #how to fail #making peace #moving on #wellbeing blog #wellbeing blogger #Books #Wellbeing books #Self help books #I love books

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ocular-intercourse · 5 years ago

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OC MASTERPOST

Alright, putting this together you really notice how old most of these characters are, theres a lot of cliched and coincidental stuff in there that i & others came up with when i was 15-21. Finn got the whole brunt of my edgy scene teen angst phase... but then again Asher is brand new and not looking any better so there’s that. Sorry children, i love the drama. Also all of them being queer men is absolutely just teenage me living out my queer male identity through them before i even knew it hasghj.

NAME/NICKNAME: Finnegan Bastien Jeong-Bak / Finn, Junebug (by his fans) (his terrible mish mash of a name is product of his parents forcefully pushing their heritage away to make it easier for Finn to fit in, once they reached his sister they were more relaxed about the problem)

AGE/BIRTHDAY: 27 years / 17.04.

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: French Canadian / Asian (South Korean)

BASED ON: /

GENDER/SEXUALITY: Cis male / bisexual (probably pan if he’d be more informed)

FAMILY: FATHER | Jin Hee Jeong | 48 years | janitor | very difficult relationship, for most of his life he considered his father to be a good dad till the drinking started and then the abuse, hes still not quite ready to let his relationship with his father go, so he keeps in contact, which often led to fights with Shawn, as well as the fact that Finn still has not outed himself in front of his father out of fear of rejection

MOTHER | Yeon Soo Bak | 47 years | owns a café | similarly rocky, they are now at a good point but he knows his mother struggles with his identity and life choices, so much she tried to manipulate a lot of things in the past but learned to leave that be, he is grateful towards her for leaving his father when she did. he bought her a café cause he loves her so much

SISTER | Sun Marise Haywood, née Jeong-Bak | 24 years | stay at home mom | he was always close to his sister, she just assimilated into his friend group in high school, and still is an important part of his life, or is again, they had a phase of not talking after some jealousy issues regarding his relationship with Shawn and her friendship with him, Sun is very protective over her brother and his mental instability and does her best to keep him healthy. That includes a very strict anti-Shawn stance, regarding the pain he has caused her brother in the past. Sun is happily married and has a daughter, a fact that somewhat relieves Finn, at least someone in the family that fulfills their mother’s wishes.

NIECE | Molly Florence Haywood | 4 months | A literal baby. Finn famously is not very keen on children, especially babies and goes out of their way. His niece however managed to steal his heart, plus he can just give her back to her mother when she becomes troublesome, the ideal arrangement. He likes to spoil her.. not that she would care at this point.

HALFBROTHER | Bryant Cole Reno | 7 years | student | His father’s illegitimate child with an American prostitute. Classy. But not Bryant’s fault. Finn learned of his existence when he was 3 and has since then sort of taken part in raising him, not that he would ever consider that to be true. He is very sensible to his brothers living conditions considering the bad stuff he himself experienced growing up, and does his best to ensure him to grow up happy and healthy, which includes denying him contact with their father (despite not pulling the same measures for himself). Bryant is a smart kid, overachieving, Finn already feels like he is dancing circles around him, and truly does not know where the kid gets it from.

FRIENDS: Noteworthy are on the Canadian side: His childhood/youth best friend Kitty (deceased), almost equally important Logan & Colin (all three of them share a brain cell), his ex-girlfriend of 5 years Emily (rocky long distance friendship atm), ex-affair & close friend Raphael (his voice of reason). On the American side: Close friends Randy (trashfire bff) & Jade (cinnamon bun), his ex-boyfriend of ~4 years Shawn (heartbreak!!).

S.O.: No one atm cause he is, even after 2 years apart, still very much desperately hung up on Shawn and not getting over that breakup anytime soon. Learning that Shawn is in a new relationship has thoroughly pulled the rug out from under him and left him questioning why Shawn managed to move on so much quicker (and if the other guy is more attractive than him). He also struggles very much with the fact that Shawn has made extremely positive progress in the two years without him (unable to see that the same is applicable to himself too).

I guess that still deserves an entry here:

Shawn Alexander | 28 years | currently Barkeeper & Musician | Shawn comes from a rich family and therefore has the polar opposite starting conditions to Finn, but nonetheless experienced many shared interests, but also miseries, from abusive fathers to drug use. With two general distinctions: While Finn’s mother acted after discovering the abuse, Shawn’s mother stayed complicit. While Shawn escaped into his heroin addiction, Finn developed an strict anti-drug stance after Kitty’s death. They were a volatile mixture, the good times were extraordinarily good, the bad ones catastrophic, with Finn quickly acting out when cornered and Shawn reacting aggressively, their fights were often ruthless. Finn has considered many times since they broke up that maybe people who love each other, even this strongly, are not necessarily automatically meant to be together. That does naturally not have any impact on his feelings or his lacking ability to act reasonable when it comes to emotions.

OCCUPATION: Professional Tennis Player (out of spite)

ABILITIES: highly athletic, good cook, excellent singer & musician, good technical understanding (esp. towards cars), fluent in french (native) & english, minor knowledge of korean

INTERESTS: cooking, music, sports, cars, video games, podcasts about movies, games, techincal innovations and whatever obscure topic interests him at the moment (podcasts, games and other media is stuff that he only recently discovered for himself, since his job does not allow for a lot of time with his friends, so that’s his compensation)

APPEARANCE: 6′3″ tall and muscular (but too lean for his liking, he cannot built up mass for the love of it), dark brown eyes and nearly black hair, currently a little over chin long but worn in a bun or ponytail (he feels like short hair makes him look like a child, but he’s also just too busy/lazy to get haircuts every couple of weeks), a prominent scar runs through his left eyebrow, he has multiple tattoos, a flower pattern on the inside of his right arm, a skeleton with a laurel wreath on the inside of his left arm, a geometric pattern just above his ankle on the inside of his right leg, more geometric patterns on his shoulder blades and a moth in the middle just below his neck

PLOTPOINTS: born in Montreal to south korean parents | best friends with Kitty (Catherine) | best friends with Logan & Colin | struggles in school because of growing up with multiple languages, hyperactivity and later problems with authority figures | free time either spent on the streets with his friends or with his father at his job as a mechanic | relationship with Emily age 13 | growing behavioral issues at first misunderstood as ‘only’ adhd | starting music (drumming, later other instruments) & sport (tennis) to make him tired | dedication to sport & music as compensation for bad schoolwork, to show he’s at least good at something | father loses job, becomes driving instructor | move to poorer area of town | added stress in family setting | with 15 diagnosis BPD after behavioral issues became increasingly dangerous | Finn becomes aware of his father’s drinking problem, often being the one to take care of him during and after these times | with 16 affair with 25 yo Raphael (in hindsight Finn finds this somewhat alarming) | more time spent away from the family, more time on the streets with minor criminal activities & drug use (in varying degrees, Kitty taking heroin being the strongest) | school work evens out through good grades in subjects he was interested in vs bad grades in everything else | with 18 family vacation in New York, Finn meets Shawn, they have an ons | break-up with Emily, after she finds out about his affair & one-night-stands | after Finn & the others were away for another vacation they come back to find out that Kitty has used the opportunity to kill herself with a planned overdose, Finn never reads the good-bye letter, he spends the next months in a state of emotional crisis and gives up on finishing school, when he can get out of bed he spends his time with sports as an distraction | Jin-hee’s alcoholism & job clash as he and a student get in an accident with alcohol in Jin-hee’s system, he loses his job and the trial, now having to pay heavy compensation for the damages, pushing the family further into poverty | Finn and his father start to fight more and more, with Jin-hee’s condition worsening and Finn provoking him, either actively, or by choosing not to carry his weight in the family and generally being an undesirable son, resulting in Jin-hee venting his anger by hitting his son | with Finn turning 21 his mother definitively discovers what had been going on, she leaves Jin-hee in an ugly divorce, takes her kids & moves to New York | despite everything Finn keeps contact with his father and has somehow managed to mostly forgive him | Finn & Shawn meet again & quickly end up in a relationship | when Finn learns about Shawn’s heroin addiction he wants to end things, but decides to give him a chance | what follows is 4-5 years up and down with two break-ups, one after a series of misunderstandings and meddling from Yeon that end up with Finn cheating, another one after a burned Shawn learns, after giving it another chance, about things that Finn has hidden from him, such as Jin-hee’s illegitimate child that Finn himself has only recently met, and a row of events unfold that lead to Shawn attempting but failing suicide | when he learns about it Finn declares Shawn as dead in his eyes and tells him he never wants to see him again | another emotional crisis for Finn and again he throws himself into sports to drown out the bad thoughts and make himself too tired to think, only this time he meets the right people and with the right support ends up gliding into the professional sports world | he spends the next two years building up his carrer like a madman and thoroughly enjoys being occupied at all times, as well as for the first time in his life having a stable and strict rhythm to his days, a healthy sleep cycle & positive reaffirmation that help with his mental stability.. oh, and he’s pining for Shawn of course

BONUS INFO: I created him when i was a wee teen but wrote him in different RPGs almost till today, so there were a lot of different versions and revisions. Originally he was a caucasian redhead, it was only years later that i put it together that much of his family dynamics and some of his character would very much fit a minority/immigrant narrative. He was always french-canadian, but in the beginning he moved to England instead of New York (fun fact: it was Canterbury, which is why i later used the city for Teddy instead). Really sad to have lost Shawn’s accent, but honestly it makes much more sense for the city to be so much closer to home. If i would call any of my OCs my main OC it would definitely be Finn, he is my obsession, there’s next to no days where i don’t imagine him in some sort of scenario, AU or canon. I am however hesitant to use him for anything, since part of his story, meaning Shawn’s character, belongs to my friend Mel, who i’ve lost contact with. When i was last writing him in a RPG i used korean actor Kim Bum for his faceclaim, and i still like to reference his pictures, look him up and you’ll see what i mean with Finn looking younger with shorter hair.

NAME/NICKNAME: Wendell Theodore Parker / Teddy

AGE/BIRTHDAY: 19 years / 23.09.

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: British / Caucasian (or whatever the god side counts as)

BASED ON: originally comes from a Percy Jackson RPG

GENDER/SEXUALITY: Cis Male / gay

FAMILY: FATHER | Julien Samuel Parker | 45 years | cardiologist

MOTHER | Demeter | goddess of harvest, agriculture & fertility of the earth

STEPMOTHER | Katherine Marie Parker | 44 years | lector

HALF-BROTHER | Bradley Howard Parker | 24 years | author (alias J. B. Baxter)

HALF-SISTER | Amanda Carrie Parker | 20 years | student of cultural sciences

+ a shitton of half-siblings on Demeter’s side

FRIENDS: Rufus Whitmore | 19 years | Son of Apollo | Actually Zeke’s best friend and No. 1 in the ‘kick Zeke in the ass to make him stand by his feelings club’ which is why Teddy is phenomally thankful for the support. Maybe due to his dad Rufus generally has a very healing, hardworking and good-natured personality, though combined with a bit of a superiority complex.

Caspar Renier | 19 years | Son of Dyonisus | With Dyonisus practically being the party god and all Caspar is very much the agent of chaos in Teddy’s life. He lives for experiencing new and exciting things and likes to incite the same in others. While Teddy loves all things safe, Caspar brings the risk, but somehow the two manage not to annoy each other, but to balance things out. Caspar is Teddy’s best friend since the early days of the academy and reason for many good things that Teddy would have otherwise been too timid about.

Riley O’Donovan | 20 years | Son of Ares | Basically Teddy’s arch nemesis since the early academy days. For some reason he has decided that Teddy was just the right person to push around and pick on, supported by his twin and another half-brother. Teddy, being the pacifist that he is, and generally trying to avoid confrontation, did his best to stay out of their ways, telling himself that fighting back would only make them fight harder. Teddy was with them when the academy was attacked and Riley’s brothers died. Together they fought and survived. At their next meeting they quietly recognized that the experience had connected them and to let bygones be bygones. They are developing an akward friendship with lots of guilt and grief, that’s mostly consistent of helping each other out and, weirdly enough, unquestionable trust through shared trauma.

S.O.: Zeke... i don’t remember his surname, since Teddy is a RPG character he is obviously another person’s character, i’ll try to think back on more info. As a Hermes son he is the charming wayfarer type person, with a guitar on his back and a taste for freedom, i believe he was a year older than Teddy. The relationship is rocky at best and Teddy feels unloved most of the time but his intense feelings for Zeke make him want to hold on and hope for the better just for a little while longer.

OCCUPATION: Student

ABILITIES: [supernatural] control over plants and weather in the immediate vicinity, too much use of his abilities quickly causes hunger, headaches, nausea & exhaustion | an integral instinct about the beginning and natural end of lives, when he concentrates he can tell a person’s age, or if they are close to the end of their lives in case of a natural death. he chooses not to use this ability | his control of plants is quite trained, changes in the weather are mostly out of his control & follow violent mood swings. They show themselves as changes in temperature in his immediate vicinity

[other] low abilities in sword fighting (he shows little motivation because of his pacifistic nature, but has good instinct when it is necessary), slightly better at archery & hand to hand combat, good at riding & general animal handling

INTERESTS: monsters, he has an affinity for anything monstrous and creepy, in fiction & reality, as a unusual choice for Demeter children he wants to work with monsters in some capacity in the future | animals | plants

APPEARANCE: unkempt wavy to curly blonde hair in various states of darker blonde to bleached to grown out color, darker blue/green eyes, 5′10″, cycles through being slightly underweight & healthier depending on his mental state, his clothing style has no apparent rhyme or reason and consists of anything he likes, mostly color- & youthful, wears a leather necklace with a coin pendant at all times. he chooses to be mostly clean shaven, but has a surprisingly strong beard growth

PLOTPOINTS: born, officially, as the 3rd child of the parker family based in Canterbury, happily growing up in a loving upper to middle class family | only trouble so far is the inability to sit still and concentrate on school classes | with 14 he learns of his true nature and the world of gods & demigods | spirals into thoughts of being an outcast and disruptive in his family, considering his father’s infidelity and his ‘mother’s’ will to live with her husband’s illegitimate child | decides to run away after witnessing a fight between his parents while on vacation in America | gets picked up by Zeke, another runaway child, and as it happens another demigod | after sharing their stories Zeke reunites Wendell with his family against his will, Teddy initially resents him for it | the family reconciles, Wendell’s ‘mother’ confirms how much she sees him as her own son | Teddy starts to visit Gaia Academy during his regular school holidays, where demigods get educated and trained according to their special circumstances eg. myths, monster attacks & magical abilities | his brother begins to write about a fictional character based on Teddy’s life and has success with a series of children’s books | reconciliation & later close friendship with Zeke | big homesickness | a bad first romantic/sexual experience, the adjustment to the world of myths & the stress of constant change between regular school & academy life leads to an overwhelming sense of loss of control, which results in an eating disorder that he learns to control via therapy and his family’s support | dreams of becoming a monster herdsman despite his lack in battle prowess due to his strict pacifistic beliefs | is bullied by 3 Ares sons during most of his time at Gaia | gets in the awkward situation of falling in love with his close friend and self-proclaimed heterosexual Zeke, feels the situation is too hopeless and the friendship too precious to do anything about it | pines for years | drunkenly kisses Zeke after receiving a thoughtful birthday gift (aforementioned necklace) | panics about said kiss after Zeke steers clear of him for the rest of the week | turns out Zeke just had a whole week of gay panic™ and needed some time to come to terms with maybe possibly being in love with a guy despite not usually being attracted to men | Zeke confesses & agrees to a relationship | the thing is messy, with lots of sneaking around and no pda, even in private, allowed as Zeke struggles with a religious upbringing and acceptance of his new identity | as a whole Teddy deals poorly with this behavior but endures for the chance of being with his hopeless yearlong never gonna happen crush | meanwhile the world of the demigods is in chaos with wars between different pro- and anti-god-fractions | when an anti-god-organization attacks the academy, Teddy is forced to fight and kill to survive next to his longtime bullies | he & his loved ones survive but afterwards he is not only traumatized by his own actions and the things he has seen, but also the fact that he of all people survived while better fighters died | while the academy reorganizes itself he spends time at home and struggles with the discrepancy between his vs his family’s experiences and not being able to share what happened with a medical professional to work through his trauma | disillusioned he decides it is time for him to mature, when the academy reopens at a new location he dedicates himself to more battle training and after reconciling with the one surviving bully through their shared experience even asks the ares son for personal training

BONUS INFO: Oh, Teddy boy! He also went through several RPGs and rewrites. The first one was a pretty basic Percy Jackson RPG, with Camp Halfblood and all. In that version Teddy was a child of Hebe, and chose to leave his home in one of the many Springfields in America for the safety of his family, since monster attacks suddenly started happening. On his way to the Camp he met Zeke, they had a little road trip and fought their way to their destination. It was a lovely story of hurt/comfort with Teddy being helplessly lost and scared and Zeke taking care of him. An unlikely team that strangely worked out. The whole runaway thing in his current story might not make a lot of sense, but it was our way of incorporating the original runaway/road trip story that was near and dear to our hearts. I’m not sure why i ended up making him a brit when we switched forums, maybe because i missed British Shawn and had to make up for it. The new RPG obviously had a lot of changes on the Percy Jackson Story, it was just inspired by the idea of demigod children but that was about it. Again, since Zeke is not my character i am hesitant to work with this, also i would like to make the setting more original, though i guess there’s only so much you can do with demigods, maybe creating an entirely new pantheon idk. That’s the problem with RPG characters i suppose, they are rarely uninfluenced from other people’s creations, and often based on preexisting works, but i refuse to give up on him. When i first created him i had Boyd Holbrook in mind. (Which is very fun considering his look in Logan, i imagine later Teddy to look like that and what a big fucking ooc contrast that would be to him rn.) Here is an avatar that captures the Teddy feel during the original road trip very well, bonus the matching Zeke ava (obviously portrayed by Jackson Rathbone), bonus bonus a Rufus ava, ft. Aaron Taylor-Johnson:

NAME/NICKNAME: Avery Sanders / Ace of Spades (a sort of artist’s name), Ace

AGE/BIRTHDAY: 22 years / 15.05.

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: American / Caucasian? (or whatever, the god thing, plus he does not know his dad)

BASED ON: said Percy Jackson inspired RPG

GENDER/SEXUALITY: Cis male / asexual (/ poly/panromantic?? he does not know either or really care honestly it’s all just whatever)

FAMILY: FATHER | Michael Hide | deceased

MOTHER | Nyx | goddess of the night, daughter of chaos

HALFBROTHER/LEGAL GUARDIAN | Dale Sanders | 42 years | ?? occupation: lying bastard weasel?? | Their relationship sure is something. In short Ace IDOLIZES his brother big time, though he would never say those words out loud but it is very fucking clear to everyone. He is like a miniature Dale, or trying to be, or trying to surpass him. This makes the last developments in Ace’s story very very complicated. He’s still kinda brainwashed enough that he’s still holding on to the hope that he’s just not informed enough to understand his brother’s motives.

FRIENDS: Benedict Bovine | 21 years | Son of Morpheus | Ben & Ace were roommates in the academy, and no friends for a long time. The Morpheus son was just too much for him, too happy, too optimistic, too intrusive, too annoying. But that’s probably exactly the personality you have to have to stick with Ace and not give up on actually truly befriending him. Somewhere along the way they ended up being best friends which Ace is secretly desperately clinging to because not too many people bother with trying to get close to him even with him being actively unapproachable. Ben has gained a special status in his life and therefore special treatment, namely experiencing Ace’s more positive characteristics and rare insights behind the mask.

Elisabeth Fendi | 22 years | Daughter of Nike | As a Nike daughter she likes challenges, and befriending or even dating Ace certainly is just that. But she had positive reinforcement by looking at Ben’s & Ace’s relationship and knew the goal was achievable. Long story short Ace lost a bet and had to go out with her, and actually kinda enjoyed her ambitious, competitive nature. She whittled him down to becoming friends at least. They certainly do not treat each other overly tender, but that suits both of their nature’s just fine. Elisabeth just kinda started hanging around Ace & Ben and the three are now sticking together.

S.O.: Well not sure actually, there was one version of the Story where Ace dated a girl named Liz, and Elisabeth certainly has some of her characteristics. But it definitely occurred to me that Ace himself has no desire to actually pursue a romantic or sexual relationship of any kind, but has no problem having sex if it just happens to happen. In another version of the story Ben, Ellie & Ace end up having a threesome under somewhat dramatic circumstances and i’ve been playing with the idea of both Ben & Ellie looking to enter a polyamorous relationship with Ace and him just kinda going along with it cause it’s whatever to him and he loves and trusts them and likes being close to them so it’s not a huge difference to him anyways.. which would just be Ace clumsily trying to show his genuine feelings for once and learning how to express affection, both physically & romantically and probably failing a lot. I think i’m sticking with it but i’m not sure about the circumstances yet.

OCCUPATION: Student

CHARACTER: callous | unimpressed & unfazed | has built up a pretty impenetrable unapproachable wall & layers of alter-egos before anyone can end up actually getting to know HIM | lone wolf | slightly misanthropic traits | paranoid & suspicious | fake superiority complex, talks himself into feeling superior to cover up insecurities | cool | hardy | streetwise | casual, mostly outwards to reaffirm his cool, relaxed persona | stoic pokerface | disrespectful unless respect is earned (mostly through undeniable talent in skills he considers worthy) | rebellious, tactless, provoking | trouble with authority figures | might not show his emotions but has no trouble speaking his mind even in unhelpful ways | critical, towards himself and others, actively looks for flaws | show-off | willing to learn & commit himself to bettering his abilities at all times | proud (of his abilities and his reputation) | long-sighted, analytical & strategic thinking | intuitive | resourceful | has talent to lead but decides not to, does not want responsibility over the actions of others | keeps his word always, to a fault, even when joking | persistent | humorous, ironic & sarcastic | underneath his fake persona actually awfully sincere, it just takes time to get there | pathologically loyal | protective, self-sacrificing & caring towards close friends | despite everything and unbeknownst to himself actually undeniably morally good & heroic

ABILITIES: [supernatural] control over shadows | sensing nightmares | Ace is rather trained in hiding in or concealing his movements with shadows, depending on the time of day and the contrast in shadows he can completely hide his presence, the later it gets in the day the easier it is. The control over seeing other people’s fears and nightmares on the other hand is completely out of his hand, it usually happens against his will and leaves him with an aftertaste of said fear that he then carries around for a couple of days.

[other] excellent speed & sword fighting | years of hellish training with his brother have left Ace with an uncanny reaction speed and instinct towards incoming danger, his battle prowess has led to many monster encounters that at this point are neither hard nor surprising.. and honestly kinda fun | musical talent | Ace has lost his heart to electronical music and uses much of his free time to create his own tracks under the pseudonym Ace of Spades. They are mostly rap & electronic mash ups and remixes of popular songs with his personal spin added to them | composure | at any given time Ace has trained himself to stay calm and not show his feelings, so much that at this point he can hardly stop it, which leads to many frustrated people in his life who constantly have to guess what he’s feeling or if he’s even feeling anything at all. It has also made him a practically unbeatable poker player

INTERESTS: music | big city life | close quarter combat | technical gadgets esp. for creating music | challenges | irony | birds | movies & games & writing reviews | dumb irony, he lives for it, he has picked the elective prophecy class that is meant for the demigod children that actually have some sort of fortune telling ability, just because he thinks it is funny to sit between these actually clairvoyant people as a clearly non-gifted person trying to read something in tea leaves or whatever that has no reason to be true, he goes very long ways for stupid jokes & stories that might end up amusing just himself

APPEARANCE: light blonde hair cut into a buzz cut for convenience, almond shaped light blue/grey eyes, with his 5′8″ a little under average height with a broad build, average weight, his athleticism is countered by bad eating habits and most of his hobbies consisting of siting around for an extended amount of time, almost perpetually wearing a pair of ray-ban sunglasses (he’s light sensitive and likes to hide his eye-movements, but also just thinks it’s cool, as an added bonus it seems to provoke people), his clothing is mostly athletic and casual but he also enjoys throwing people off with unusual pieces, often seen with baseball-caps front or backwards facing, generally not a lot of effort put into his appearance aside from maybe considering what would make the look ironic, also owed to lack of money, lots of his clothes are worn out hand me downs from his brother peppered with the weird shit you can get at thrift stores

PLOTPOINTS: Since his father died while his mother was pregnant she had to improvise and ended up leaving the baby at one of her other son’s doorsteps | Dale, probably rather incompetently, improvised and with lots of peculiar quirks, raises the kid in a tiny, rundown Chicago apartment supporting both of them with occasional part-time jobs | With his knowledge of the world of the gods Dale decides to prepare his half-brother early | Once he learns that that is not normal Ace spends some time worrying about his brothers sanity, regarding the unusual habit of teaching a kid sword fighting and testing his abilities with surprise attacks, but enjoys himself too much to question it (he never thinks about that the constant vigilance and dedicated training might be considered somewhat abusive living conditions for a child - might not have been healthy but it DID make him stronger and that was surely a good thing Dale had in mind, very normal, totally okay.. he is incapable of seeing, or wanting to admit to his brother’s flaws) | They live off fast-food or anything they can get their hands on, with occasional unpaid electricity bills or similar poor conditions, but with a strong sense of solidarity | School was not his favorite thing, he had to get out of his - in his eyes - fun unusual living conditions to sit still and be well behaved and listen to weird stiff adults, and the children made fun of his ragged clothing and general otherness | Spends his free time exploring Chicago, roaming the streets, getting into minor trouble here and there, or with his brother, fighting or watching him make music or play around with electronics, or watching movies, playing games | As is tradition, learns he is a demigod with 14 which honestly does not really come as a huge surprise to him, at least his brother did not turn out to be some weird doomsday nutjob and had a reason for all the sword fighting | Gets kinda excited in hopes of getting along better with other demigods than he did with the other human students.. turns out him being a demigod was not the problem in the first place. Does at least find some like-minded people in his half-siblings. | At home he starts part-time jobs to support his brother, starts making music himself, has several blogs with movie and game reviews, and of course the usual duels between him and Dale, which he never once wins | After graduating regular school with 19 he is not very motivated to continue his training at the academy, but is basically tricked into finishing it anyways, by his brother suggesting he would win this one since he himself has never graduated Gaia. At last, something to be better at than his brother! | When the academy is attacked by an anti-god-organization Ace fights easily and competently.. till he is faced with fighting the one person he has never beaten, his brother. He fights him anyways, conflicted by the feeling of betrayal and sheer disbelief that this could actually be happening. Naturally he loses and ends up skewered through his torso by his brothers sword. When he is unconscious he gets saved and healed by Apollo children, and the fight is over when he wakes up again. He first of all tries to find out if his brother was maybe captured or killed, but finds no trace of him. | When he returns home while the academy reorganizes he finds the apartment empty, half hoping for his brother to come home so he can confront him, his top priority being to learn why his brother has been acting that way because he still refuses to believe that he actually tried to kill him, and rather wants to think that Dale must have had SOME kind of reason that would make all of this okay. | Dale never returns. Ace bitterly sells all of Dale’s belongings to pay for the bills of the apartment that he is suddenly sitting on all by himself, which makes his home very sad and very empty | Ellie and Ben visit him, well aware that Ace’s entire worldview has been shattered and not trusting him not to do something reckless [enter possible threesome here?] | Ace starts to obsessively try to find out about Dales whereabouts and the group he was working with, both Ellie and Ben being annoyed and worried about him doing this on his own refusing any help or interference | Ace manages to find what he believes to be a temporary hideout for the organisation and some documents that he hopes to find further clues in | When the Academy re-opens Ellie & Ben convince him to go back there, with Ace secretly just hoping to hear more about the official measures of the demigod world that have been put in place to find and stop the organization | He shares the found information with what is basically the equivalent of the police in the demigod world, and exclaims to be eager and capable to join any deployment, but is of course refused | Instead he silently plans to take off on his own again, hoping to find his brother for answers or revenge, depending on the outcome

Okay, but here’s the FUN part of the whole story, something that Ace is not even aware of anymore: When he is 18 he finds out about his brothers activity in the anti-god organization (their name is rubicon by the way) and is as always immediately willing to copy his brother and join them, regardless of their shady morals. Thing is, they have a selection process where they have an oracle check potential candidates, turns out the oracle decides that Ace’s heart is just too good and pure in the end to make him an effective member. They alter his memories, fill them with a normal summer of an 18 year old Ace, and send him back home none the wiser that he would have absolutely done the exact same things he found so impossible for his brother to be doing that it ruined his entire conception of the world. Fun. I hope he does not find out.

BONUS INFO: I cannot begin to describe how funny it is to read Ace’s character sheet. Sounds conceited maybe, but every time i reread it, which is maybe once every couple of years, i make myself cry from amusement. It’s so stupid. It is completely written in his voice and it is fucking hysterical, he is such an idiot wow. His vita starts with a rewrite of Will Smith’s Prince of Belair rap, and that’s just the beginning. I wish i could show you but it’s in German so that’s probably useless for most of you. But please know that i really fucking love it and am amazed that i wrote that at some point. I always had trouble figuring out how i want him to look. I believe i used Garrett Hedlund as a faceclaim on the RPG site, but it was not 100% fitting. Dacre Montgomery’s portrayal of Billy in Stranger Things has some Ace vibes, but also not entirely. Imagine their lovechild i guess. I also never planned on him being asexual, the connection to his name was not planned at all, it just hit me a couple of months ago out of nowhere and i immediately knew it was true. Of course he is asexual!! Also i have not yet decided whether his brother is an absolute cold bastard, or if Ace’s instincts about him having reasons are right. Regardless, Dale’s treatment of Ace is not okay from the very beginning. That’s where this whole story started, cause i found it so interesting for the idealized bigger brother that just seems to be cool and fun to actually be somewhat or very much abusive, e.g. Dave & Bro Strider in Homestuck who were very much the stepping stone here. I really liked Bro when i first read it as a baby teen, and then later saw the discourse over him being abusive, and only then did i realize shit you’re right in actual real life that stuff would be ptsd inducing wow, in that very moment i myself was Ace and had my weird idealized image shattered, so i wanted to make a character that could show how easily it is to overlook this stuff sometimes. Also totally just forgot for a while how sad a lot of his character is, ppl did not like him even before he made himself hard to be liked so he’s very distrusting and negative towards people for a long time.😥 Better make up a weird persona for people to dislike at least they’re not disliking my actual self cause they never actually get to see it. WHELP most of my other characters are either fun or tragic depending on the situation, Ace is just both simultaneously at all times

NAME: Asher ? [he is still unfinished since i never used him for anything so don’t mind the questionmarks]

AGE/BIRTHDAY: 21 years / 06.07.

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: American / Caucasian

BASED ON: /

GENDER/SEXUALITY: Cis male / gay

FAMILY: FATHER | ? ? | 42 years | multibillionaire business man / sociopath criminal | their relationship can very much be described as a hostage situation, there is nothing pleasant here, his father obsesses over his legacy and the idea of what he wants Asher to be and Asher resents him with a burning passion

MOTHER | ? ? | 41 years | unfortunate trophy wife | there is not much of an actual relationship here, since he started art school they have pretty much not talked a single word, he resents her for being distant and quiet and complicit in his father’s behavior

SISTER | Claire ? | 22 years | various creative part time jobs | the one that luckily got away!! Claire dodged a major bullet and got out of there as soon as she could, living her dream as a independent artist in various fields from writing plays to performance art, Asher adores her & would never tell her about the truth of his situation since she got out of there unscathed, they call each other regularly, but don’t see each other as much as they would like to, she is a big reason for his own interest in art

SISTER | Stella ? | 5 years | Kindergartener | Stella is loud and quick and knows no boundaries, a happy energetic little girl. Asher probably spoils her.

BROTHER | Leo ? | 5 years | Kindergartener | Stella’s twin brother but the polar opposite. Timid, soft-spoken and kindhearted. Asher probably spoils him too. Asher is also fiercely overprotective in regards to his brother, cause he knows how his father likes to treat his sons. Luckily he also knows that his father would takes his sweet time before revealing his true self, but he dreads the possibility of his father involving his brother earlier nonetheless.

FRIENDS: May ? | 21 years | photography student | awfully loyal, May comes from a rich family herself and can therefore understand or excuse a lot of Asher’s less pleasant traits, she is too stubborn to let him push her away and is glad he has mostly given up towards her, now she just has to get him to treat others the same way. knows he has troubles with his father, but does not know the specifics since Asher would rather take that info to his grave to protect her. is worried, always, since Adam disappeared, but has no other solution but soft encouragement for Asher to move on

S.O.: Devin ? | 20 years | animation student | Half Mexican/Half Afro-American. Anxiety kid, moves to his father’s new family & his sister because they live closer to his future art school, falls in love with the wrong white boy. Big nerd, big introvert, all about anime & games, spends more time on the internet than anywhere else (sound familiar anybody?🙈). Romanticizes the wrong behaviors. Draws, a lot, any given time, super talented, Asher envies him. Big cuddly, kind, somewhat shy and self-conscious, cannot say no or be mean most of the time. Just 100% good soul. Shows Asher the wonderful world of fiction and other entertainment cause that guy apparently grew up in a cave. Asher is 100% hurt and Devin is 100% comfort, Asher feels bad about that. Devin is impressively patient and supportive and the sole reason Asher can breathe again. Sometimes. Asher does not know what he could possibly be bringing to the table but Devin seems content, Asher does not understand why.

OCCUPATION: Student of Photography/Economics Night school

CHARACTER: i feel like Asher needs two separate character descriptions since he’s living in extreme circumstances that have greatly changed his characteristics over the course of a year or two, but i’m sticking with Asher today, just know that he used to be happy, carefree, outgoing, a huge charmer, even a flirt, remnants of some of these more positive traits can still be found if you catch him in the right moment.. and then there’s the things he mostly pretends to be that don’t really belong there either, but i guess that shows how others perceive him

ABILITIES: His father’s irrevocable antiquated notion of how a person of his status has to be educated resulted in a flashflood of tutors from the moment Asher was capable of learning things, involving classical music, several languages, riding, sailing, debating and the more exceptional choices of self-defense through various ways including knife and gun handling, owed to his father’s choice of a rather dangerous lifestyle. The only ability that grew out of his own interests is anything regarding photography. He also has the uncanny ability to switch personas in an instant, he can go from cold asshole to so charming that it puts others at ease, to collected proud superior son in a second, depending on what is needed, these different modes are crucial for his survival.

APPEARANCE: Groomed snobby rich boy that looks down on you. Black hair, pale blue eyes, 6′0″ tall, lean. Judging by his clothes alone obviously wealthy. Mostly somewhat sophisticated with lots of dress shirts and classy cuts. A serious young man! Contrasted by more relaxed clothing choices in his personal space. Mostly black & darker colors. Tattoo of a dead raven on the inside of his right underarm, he hides it in front of his father who hates it. Unquestionably a pretty boy™ but Asher has grown to detest his looks, avoiding mirrors or photographs. He looks too much like his father. Has dimples if he smiles brightly but nobody gets to see them anymore.

PLOTPOINTS: The most entertaining way to start the story is probably through Devin’s POV, and then explaining Asher’s behavior with his life story. Very quickly: Devin, moving to his father to visit the art school in an nearby town, is searching for a new therapist he had been visiting for social anxiety, through a work connection his father organizes an appointment with an prestigious therapist before the schoolyear starts. He gets curious about this well dressed tense looking guy he sometimes meets in the waiting room, and starts to hope to see him more often, but never manages to work up the courage to say anything, till one day the guy storms in mid breakdown to interrupt Devin’s session and demands that the therapist had to see him immediately. Devin uses the opportunity to get his attention for once and earn some bonus points, graciously offering him his session. He even gets a thanks later when they meet at the pharmacy, so he’s happy, and hopelessly crushing on this dude. With help of his sister he figures out that the guy is actually local celebrity, billionaire son Asher, that just happens to visit the very same art school Devin will be visiting soon. So Devin very much looks forward to that and spends lots of time daydreaming about getting together with Asher, who actually kinda seems pleasantly surprised to see him again in the school setting. Asher is distant, but friendly at first, and thanks to Asher’s friend May who is welcoming and inviting in Asher’s stead, Devin somehow luckily gets roped up into the group that sometimes hangs out with Asher, with him graciously paying for any expenses. Devin manages to overlook Asher’s more unpleasant sides, willfully focusing on the good stuff instead, not wanting to give up on his little fantasy just yet, with Asher warning that he would and should come to hate him eventually. What follows is a wild up and down of Asher either being sweet or an complete asshole and Devin being thoroughly confused yet intrigued, the guy is obviously troubled, often leaving class early in a panic or not showing up at all and generally looking like a nervous mess on some days, which just makes Devin want to get behind the reason for everything. On one of the sweeter nights he manages to get a kiss out of Asher, only for him to show his cruelest behavior yet the following days, either ignoring him completely or reacting aggressively. [Cue Asher’s Story:]

Born in a cozy coast town to a filthy rich family. | Firstborn son therefore in his old-fashioned madman of a father’s brain his legitimate heir, instead of his two years older daughter (lucky her tho) | Father puts every breath of his being into grooming Asher to be his successor, which includes high pressure, expectations and next to no free time from an early age. No failure allowed. Knowing nothing but this high pressure environment Asher just complies and honestly somewhat enjoys putting maximum effort into things to please his father and his own ego. | Somewhat sheltered upbringing due to wealth & little free-time | Easy time in private elementary school where a lot of pre-existing effort lets him relax a little more. He makes a row of superficial friends, but still spends most of his time studying, only socializing when socially expected. | Still very success-oriented in high school, but learns to relax a little more around newly made friends of less stressful backgrounds. | Gradually without really realizing when it began ends up in a relationship with lower upper class boy Adam, they later discuss and decide they started dating somewhere around age 15. | The relationship is accepted and free-time allowed as long as Asher continues to perform exceptionally well in everything. | Both boys share their love for art, while Asher starts getting interested in photography, Adam focuses on painting, both inspired by and potentially aiming to later visit the prestigious art school in their hometown | The twins are born! Asher is instantly smitten with the little creatures and proceeds to be a loving brother | Asher’s father starts to take him to business meetings and other professional settings as insight into his later life as his father’s successor. | Asher, most likely not unaffected by his wealth & prominence of his family, has some successful exhibitions of his photographs and gains a small amount of recognition in the art world. He decides to pursue the profession full-time in the future, not entirely revealing the decision to his father just yet, who lets him play around with his hobby as long as he brings home achievements in that area as well | goes into prolonged discussions with his father regarding his wish to study photography, who eventually caves under the condition of Asher simultaneously visiting business classes on weekends or in the evening | Both Asher and Adam get admitted to the art school (it needs a fancy name i just dont have one yet) and study there after their graduation from high school | The meetings Asher’s father brings him to start to kinda rub Asher the wrong way, as some criminal elements get revealed, his father’s comment being that it was time for him to learn about these essential things as well. Asher is morally appalled, but has not even begun to realize the extent of his father’s criminal activities, to which he begins to introduce him more and more in the following years. | Asher eventually fully understands that his father is head of a self-built mafia-like organization that seems to reach most of America in some way, and that that is the true succession his father is grooming him for. While Asher might be able to agree with some of these duties, he soon realizes that most of what his father is expecting him to do from now on are things Asher is not willing to do under any circumstances, like brutally punishing people for offenses against the family in varying ways, that Ashers father insists on carrying out personally to further his ruthless reputation and control over his underlings, partners or rivals. | For the first time in his life he fails to meet his father’s expectations and actively goes against orders which results in his father pressuring him in any way he can. When Adam suddenly disappears without a trace when Asher is 18 he immediately has the uneasy feeling that his father was involved, he did not however anticipate his father actually truly murdering his son’s boyfriend to set an example of what happens when Asher disobeys. | Asher has a complete breakdown, spends some time at a mental health facility, and comes to the decision to tell everything to the police, only to have them call his father and have him pick him up. Further tries to tell any authority about what happened end in similar ways, his father seemingly having control over everything or always being one step ahead. Eventually he threatens Asher that if he continues, he would have him convicted of Adam’s murder, having plenty of psychiatrists to falsely attest to his guilt. Asher refrains from trying to out his father, half because he was scared of the consequences, half because if he truly would go to prison - which at this point did not eve sound bad to him - his father would most likely just shift his attention to his younger brother instead, which ends up as the main intervention to Asher being able to escape the situation in any way. | From now on Asher spends his time terrified and traumatized, trying his best to please his father in ways that do not include physically harming other people. At the same time he starts violently pushing every friend or acquaintance away, to make sure his father would not find another person to use as motivator and punishment. May being the only remnant of his former friend group that refuses to leave his side despite him lashing out against her here and there in hopes for her to finally get it and leave him alone. | A year later there’s this black guy about his age that apparently has the same therapist and ends up in the same class at school and is genuinely nice to him without asking for something in return which hasn’t happened in a while and feels so nice he forgets himself and gets carried away, being nice right back, and unfortunately can’t help himself having lapses in his self-control towards this guy over and over again, cause he’s just so kind and warm and welcoming, and it feels so so nice, but instantly regretting it as Devin gets clingier and bolder, but still not being able to stop entirely, till he stupidly kisses him one night and immediately has nightmares of his father murdering Devin, which allows him to draw the line and finally be as repulsive towards the guy as he should have been from the beginning. I have various potential scenarios in mind for the following but they mostly go like this: Devin, trying to figure out why Asher is like THAT, learns about his long-time boyfriend disappearing last year and never being found, with the police claiming there were signs of him just running away to a bigger city, but Asher and Adam’s family believing that something must have happened to him. He deduces that Asher has developed a massive fear of abandonment (which in a way is true but way understated) which is why he keeps pushing him away when he gets too close. When he confronts Asher he just gets furious at the mention of Adam and eventually gets so worked up that he starts talking about Devin not understanding ANYTHING and that he has no idea in what kind of situation he could end up in when he sticks too close and that he should just fuck off, but Devin naturally just picks up on the weird shit and Asher sounding increasingly scared, so he keeps poking at the topic till Asher finally breaks down and tells him that his father is basically a sociopathic criminal mass-murderer and being Asher’s friend let alone boyfriend paints a big fucking target, and then he just ends up having to explain the entire situation in hope that Devin learns and just stays quiet but most of all stays the fuck away. Long story short: he doesn’t. He vows not to leave Asher alone with this any longer, and now that he knows that Asher actually likes him there’s no way he would stay away anyways. Asher still very much tries to convince the other one to leave him be, but to no avail. The rest is them finding an arrangement that works out with lots of secrecy and sneaking around and pretending to not even know each other (more or less successful), Asher panicking a lot, and dealing with a shitton of guilt, but kinda learning to live again and not just function miserably, and them trying to find a solution to Asher’s problem that does not involve people potentially dying, and Asher just dreading the next time his father calls him in and what he might expect him to do then. I have more plot points planned out but i’m just gonna keep them for myself for now. 😋

BONUS INFO: First i gotta say Asher is very much a character i created to cope with stuff when i was feeling really fucking low last fall. I made a character that’s hanging on by a thread, because i was, so i could at least use these feelings for more lifelike daydreams and give them more of a purpose and direction. The initial idea that sparked the storyline was a person falling in love with a clearly unwise choice, which ended up being Devin crushing on the dude having a mental breakdown at the therapist’s office (genius boy). Somewhere along the line the main character shifted to Asher because of the aforementioned reasons. Devin’s POV is probably really more entertaining though, since he gets to unfold all the mysteries that Asher is keeping from him. Inspirations? Uhm, i guess Life is Strange (a mixture of Nathan & the Prof, and the art school setting), the general John Wick world and Veronica’s family in Riverdale, god also laurel’s family in htgawm

#here have this #personal #ocs #teddy #asher #ace #finn #draws #oooof #oof that took way way longer than expected #might edit some things when necessary #adding friend descriptions for finn and family descriptions for teddy #but not n #ow #probably linking this on my page idk

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bigcats-birds-and-books · 5 years ago

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Spliced by Jon McGoran: A Review

Hey I don’t post book reviews here, but dammit I have a Lot Of Thoughts so here’s one. It’s long, and spoilerific, so it’s hiding below the cut.

This book is . . . Not Great. For a lot of reasons, actually. Spoilers ahoy.

Let me start by saying that pieces of the worldbuilding were interesting and thought out well—it’s obvious that the author’s spent a lot of time thinking about a climate changing future and what that entails for us, so there were intriguing bits of that sprinkled throughout. That’s the nicest thing I have to say. Buckle up.

At the top of my list of grievances, because I’m qualified to speak to this: The science is just Bad. I get it, it’s science fiction—theoretically it’s allowed to bend the rules. However, as a biologist, the fake science bugged me A Lot. The general premise is people (usually teenagers, for whatever reason) can get animal DNA/features spliced into theirs for a price. The rich kids can do this with good fancy doctors. Most people, however, do it with back alley “genies,” who apparently can alter someone’s biology within twenty-four hours in a garage or abandoned house by sticking them with a viral vector and infecting them with animal DNA to give them new physical traits. The soon-to-be chimera (that’s what spliced people are called) then undergoes a lengthy process that they call “sweating out the change,” where their biology and organs and bones and literally everything physical rearranges, again over the span of hours, and you emerge on the other side a chimera. If, however, you decide that you don’t like being a chimera, within 24-48 hours you can go to a “fixer,” a doctor who can somehow reverse this process, but if you wait longer than that, you’re stuck forever.

That’s just not how any of that works. Like, at all.

Human bodies fight off foreign invaders (like, for instance, animal DNA injected via viral vector), unless someone is immunocompromised. That’s, like, the whole point of the immune system. There was no mention of immunosuppressants or anything like that to deal with the body’s immune response, and somehow this whole chimera vector thing is in a couple of syringes, max? Plus, bodies don’t just rearrange and grow new organs and bone structures and glands and what have you over the course of hours while someone lies in an abandoned house under a blanket, which is how we witness a couple chimeras “sweating out” their changes. I’m willing to buy some fudged science if it’s at least believable fudged science, and this was definitely not. Oh, and later on a character gets an emergency splice “stacked” onto him, when his first one almost kills him? So theoretically this bigger better one saves him from the first one, which is also just . . . wrong. Like. Why.

In addition to the science being atrocious, it’s also not super well established why people want to be chimeras in the first place? The tagline on the back of the book says “Getting spliced used to be a fashion statement. Now, it’s a death sentence,” but even the “fashion statement” bit isn’t explained super well in text. Most of the chimeras who the MC, Jimi, asks why they wanted to be spliced say something about “getting back to nature” (which humanity has wiped out, basically) and “honoring/remembering the animals we’ve killed,” or something to that extent. Or they just think It’s Neat(TM). The rich kids clearly do it because it’s cool and trendy, but that no longer makes sense given the book’s political climate. There’s an extremist group (a large extremist group) called Humans for Humanity (H4H) trying to get the Genetic Heritage Act (GHA) passed, which means that anyone who’s not 100% human is no longer a person. But there are huge demonstrations and rallies for this thing, and it’s a popular enough idea that chimeras are ostracized. And yet. People. Still. Choose. To get. Spliced. Just cuz it looks cool, basically, is what I got from my read.

So not only did I not buy the fact that people would want to do this to themselves (because it’s always voluntary—no one forces anyone to be a chimera, ever), I also don’t buy the H4H logic and the fact that the GHA ACTUALLY PASSES IN THE STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA IN THIS BOOK. It seems weird to me that what’s essentially an elective body modification surgery can mean that people are no longer people? I feel like it’s one thing if you’ve always been part animal, part human, but these people were literally fully human before the opted for this procedure.

It’s impossible not to understand the Real World Parallels, because this book is incredibly heavy handed: Chimera hate is a stand-in for racism and other types of discrimination (although shout out to the giant YIKES I felt when I actually read the word “homosexuals” with my own two eyeballs in the MC’s narration about other groups a certain mega church has discriminated against), but my issue with that is that it’s a false equivalent. You choose to be a chimera (for whatever awful unexplained Reasons). You don’t choose to be a person of color or queer or neurodivergent or marginalized. Trying to parallel the backlash chimeras face in their quest to be recognized as fully people with the struggles that people of color face Doesn’t Work, period. (This isn’t my lane, by the way, I’m super white, but I’m surprised I didn’t see anything along these lines mentioned in the other reviews I read? So I wanted to at least throw it out there, but I’m by no means an expert. Please listen to people of color.)

In addition to the paralleling not working, it also sets up a nasty “white savior” situation with our MC, Jimi, becoming the Chimera Savior. Jimi is not a chimera. Jimi is the one who miraculously saves the endangered chimeras at the end, and makes a rousing speech on TV about how we all gotta love each other and get along. Jimi saves the day. Which, I get that she’s the MC, but with the paralleling to our own contemporary real world issues . . . yikes. 0/10 do not do, especially when you’re a white man writing a (probably—of course it’s not specified, but her name is actually Dymphna Corcoran, named after an Irish saint, so I’m Guessing) white protagonist.

Other miscellany that’s worth mentioning:

There were at least five (5) references to skeeviness (of the sexual harassment/edging toward narrlowly-avoided assault variety), and one attempted skeevyness on page. Against our 16-year-old girl protag (and one of the referenced ones was when she was a KID ON A PLAYGROUND). I get it, that’s life. As a female-presenting person, trust me I get it. However. Just because it’s life, doesn’t mean I want to read about it in a YA sci-fi thriller that’s not about that sort of thing. It was very jarring, and made my pulse skyrocket every time in panic, and it was borderline creepy to me, because the author is a middle aged man.

Also, holy abuse, Batman. Jimi has one (1) friend, Del, and Del’s cop father is horrifically abusive. Physically violent (and, spoiler, murderously physically violent). Does Jimi or Jimi’s mom (Del’s NEIGHBOR) do anything to get Del out of this house and situation? Nope. Not a thing. Ever. Del just comes running to Jimi’s place when he’s SERIOUSLY INJURED for Jimi to help fix him up so they can share a kiss (their first! They’re best childhood friends but the kiss early on Changes Everything! Ew! Why!), and then start the plot, which is Jimi trying to track down Del before he gets spliced. The abuse is . . . not handled well, or thoughtfully. That’s frustrating and disheartening.

This book is also super info dumpy, especially at the beginning—we’ll be chugging along through (kind of stilted at times) dialogue, and then we’ll get a couple big paragraphs of Jimi explaining the world history, or current political climate (she’s a Very Informed Teenager, okay), or family drama, or whatever, and then we’ll proceed with the chapter. And the timeline is rushed—the whole book happens in like a week? I get that it’s a thriller and it’s supposed to be fast paced, but the plot follows Del 1. Not being a chimera, 2. Becoming a chimera, 3. Running away to a chimera Haven, and 4. Dying when chimera Haven turns out to be a secret hunting ground where people can pay money to track down and shoot chimeras for sport (y i k e s), so naturally he tries to blow up the town nearby and then his dad shoots him and Del’s the only one who gets blown up (double yikes). Oh, but this is all from Jimi’s POV, don’t worry: she’s trying to track down Del and make sure he’s okay this whole time. That’s the plot. I just . . . why. To any of it. To all of it. If you see this cover, like I did, and get excited, please do yourself a favor and put it back on the shelf. You’re not missing anything worth reading.

#text #personal #reviews #book reviews #lol yikes i don't have a tag for that #but now i do!#spliced #jon mcgoran #one star #sigh

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authoratmidnight · 7 years ago

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BB’s Anime Rec List

Because I do in fact watch more than just Fullmetal Alchemist, Yu-Gi-Oh! and Cardfight!! Vanguard, I thought I’d share with you some other ones I’ve watched and enjoyed.

The vast majority of these can be found on Crunchyroll.

Pokémon Sun and Moon

Genre: Adventure

Rating: G (General)

Length: Ongoing (73 episodes currently)

Subbed: Yes

Dubbed: Yes

Pokemon Sun and Moon follows the adventures of Satoshi/Ash in the Alola region when he decides to stay after visiting it for a vacation. Eventually he decides to take on the Island Challenge, taking on the Trials and Island Kahunas.

The story weaves together Ash’s Island Challenge, the mystery that is Nebby and UBs(Ultra Beasts), along with general slice of life activities. And yes, Ash does go back to school.

This was a surprise addition to the list to be honest. When the Sun and Moon anime was announced, along with stills of the new art style, I, like a number of fans, was wary. The art was so different from any of the other series, far more, cartoonish and stylized. And I have been turned off shows due to art style before.

And then I actually watched it, and was taken in. It’s lighthearted (for the most part) and fun, the characters are all likeable and a treat. The art style actually works, especially when animated and is honestly, really cute, and very expressive, and used to great effect for stylistic and exaggerated expressions.

Even if you’ve never watched any of the other seasons, or stopped a long time ago, this one is definitely worth giving a shot.

Natsume Yuujinchou (lit. Natsume’s Book of Friends)

Genre: Slice of Life, Supernatural, Drama

Rating: T (Teen)

Length: 74 episodes (spread over 6 seasons) + 5 OVAs

Subbed: Yes

Dubbed: No

Slice of life and supernatural don’t normally seem like two genre that would go together, but in this series they do.

Takashi Natsume has the ability to see spirits, an ability also possessed by his grandmother, Reiko Natsume. Unfortunately, this ability led to him being ostracized by his peers and passed from family member to family member after the death of his parents.

The story follows 16 year old Natsume after he comes into possession of a powerful item that once belonged to his grandmother, the Book of Friends, a notebook full of names of spirits that Reiko caught and bound. He is joined on this journey to return these names by Madara (also called Nyanko-sensei) a powerful yokai that becomes his ‘bodyguard’ in exchange for the Book of Friends upon Natsume’s death(though it’s fairly clear that he is quite attached to Natsume).

On top of this, the series is a story of healing, of Natsume overcoming years of isolation and bullying and learning how to form friendships, both with humans and yokai alike. A story about family and home.

It’s what I call a ‘soft’ anime; the art style, the music, it’s never loud or in your face. There’s never any large, world ending sorts of stakes. Even when there are stakes, you always know things will work out in the end.

Kyoukai no Rinne

Genre: Slice of Life, Supernatural, Comedy, Romance

Rating: T (Teen)

Length: 75 episodes (spread over 3 seasons)

Subbed: Yes

Dubbed: No

If you think the art style looks similar that’s because this is another series by Rumiko Takahashi, the brains behind Inuyasha, Ranma 1/2 and many others.

The story centers around Mamiya Sakura, a normal human girl who can see ghosts, and Rokudo Rinne, a perpetually broke, down on his luck part human, part shinigami, who is also her classmate.

Do not let the OPs fool you, this series does not take itself seriously. At all. It’s vaguely self-aware at times and pokes fun at itself constantly.

Through the course of the series we meet other shinigami, demons, damashigami (basically, an unscrupulous shinigami that takes takes people to the afterlife before they die, a “bad” shinigami) and a wide variety of spirits, good and bad.

The romance is very will they-won’t they. Or to quote the back of the DVD

“Two’s company, Three’s a crowd and Four…. is just the start of another Rumiko Takahashi romance.”

It’s a fairly enjoyable watch over all and the lighthearted humour helps keep it from being *to* serious all the time.

Hell Girl

Genre: Horror, Dark

Rating: M (Mature audiences)

Probably the only thing on this list that requires trigger warning for, pretty much everything. It has dark themes and I advise using extreme caution when watching as some episodes may be highly upsetting. If any of the following are triggering or highly upsetting to you I’d advise probably avoiding this one.

Warning for (but not limited to): Assault, Stalking, Rape, Attempted Rape, Animal abuse, Murder, Abuse(pretty much all kinds), Bullying.

Length: 90 Episodes (over 4 seasons, season 1-3 have 26 episodes each, season 4 has 12)

Subbed: Yes

Dubbed: Yes (but only the first two seasons)

Hell Correspondence is a website accessible only at midnight, and if you put in the name of your tormentor Hell Girl will come and drag them to hell for you. But at a price, your soul belongs to hell when you die.

This is the overarching premise of the entire series as unlike the rest of the shows on this list, it is very much like an anthology. For the most part each episode is self contained, the only characters that appear more than once are Hell Girl herself and her associates.

The first season does have an overarching plotline later on focusing on a character trying to stop Hell Girl and figure out the mysterious connection between her and his daughter.

Many of the episodes are centered on seeking revenge upon one’s tormentor and as mentioned in the rating above, it is very dark. If you can think of it, it has probably happened at least once. It’s not gory but it just deals with heavy subject matter.

So if you like dark shows and like watching people get their just desserts then, this is probably one you’ll enjoy.

Hoozuki no Reitetsu

Genre: Dark Comedy, Demons, Supernatural, Fantasy

Rating: T

Length: 31 Episodes + OVAs (currently ongoing)

Subbed: Yes

Dubbed: No

The story follows the demon Hozuki, Japanese Hell’s second in command to King Enma. It’s almost slice of life, if slice of life took place in hell and followed the life of a demon as he deals with Hell’s unusual cases and inhabitants.

I specified Japanese Hell as we meet characters from the Heaven/Hell/Afterlife of various religions/mythologies (Anubis for Egyptian afterlife, Satan and Beelzebub from European Hell for example).

There isn’t to much of an overarching storyline to this one either and despite the subject matter (demons and hell) it’s not all that dark and fairly amusing.

Elegant Yokai Apartment Life

Genre: Supernatural

Rating: T

Length: 26 episodes

Subbed: Yes

Dubbed: No

Elegant Yokai Apartment Life is a fairly lighthearted anime following the (mis?)adventures of highschool Inaba Yushi after, not wishing to burden his aunt and uncle any longer by living with them, moves into an apartment populated by ghosts and yokai(and the rare human). Most of the adventures take place AT the apartment involving the residents there as well as Inaba’s budding supernatural abilities.

While generally a fairly light-hearted and fun series, it does occasionally touch on slightly more serious subject matter such as death and abuse.

Miira No Kaikata/How to Keep a Mummy

Genre: Supernatural, Slice of Life

Rating: G

Length: Not long enough 12 episodes

Subbed: Yes

Dubbed: No

Much like Natsume, this series blends supernatural elements with a very slice of life tone as we follow Kashiwagi Sora after he receives a tiny mummy from his globe trotting father. As the title suggests the story follows Sora as he navigates life caring for the tiny mummy. Through out the story we are introduced to more creatures including an oni child, a dragon and a baku, all of which end up in the care of Sora’s friends.

The show is incredibly sweet and a very good mood lifter if one is feeling down. And 12 episodes isn’t nearly enough for it imo.

Erased

Genre: Psychological Thriller, Magic/Fantasy

Rating: T

Length: 12 episodes

Subbed: Yes

Dubbed: Yes

Psychological Thrillers aren’t normally my types of anime. Or any series really. But this one hooked me so hard that I just had to keep watching to see what would happen next.

Our protagonist, 29 year old Satoru Fujinuma, has an ability that allows him to return to a point in time just before a life-threatening disaster in order to prevent it. Usually it only sends him back a few minutes. One day, after discovering his mother murdered, he’s sent back in time 18 years, to when he was 11 years old, to a time just before one of his classmates was kidnapped and murdered.

The story follows Satoru as he works to try to save his classmate from this fate, discover who the killer is and figure out how to prevent his mother’s murder(and how all of this is connected).

D. Gray-Man

Genre: Dark, Fantasy, Action-Adventure, Tragedy

Rating: T

Length: 103 episodes

Subbed: Yes

Dubbed: Yes (and second half is actually being dubbed at long last!)

Set in an alternate version of the 19th century, a group of Exorcists known as the Black Order fight monsters called Akuma, weapons created by the Millennium Earl and powered by the souls of the deceased.

Allen Walker is one of these exorcists, using the anti-Akuma weapon in his left arm and his cursed left eye that can see the trapped souls to fight against Akuma and help lay their souls to rest.

They also fight against the Millennium Earl and the Clan of Noah who intend to destroy the world.

This is also a sequel/continuation series called D. Gray-Man Hallow that picks up exactly where this one leaves off(but has a different voice cast) though watching it not required.

Caligula

Genre: Action, Sci-Fi

Rating: T

Length: 5/12 Ongoing

Subbed: Yes

Dubbed: No

The series is currently ongoing so the entire plot is not yet known but what is know is that μ(Mu) an AI idol gained sentience and self awareness and in deciding to help alleviate humanity’s suffering created Mobius. Mobius is a near perfect virtual world wherein are trapped the minds of the deeply troubled and/or suffering.

Ritsu Shikishima is among those that has awakened and begun to notice that the world they are in is not real. Unfortunately for him, and everyone else who has “awakened” and wants out, the Ostinato Musicians, a group that are working for/with μ, block the way, doing everything in their power to stop anyone from leaving μ‘s perfect world.

Caligula is, it’s interesting. It’s hard to describe since it’s still ongoing but each episode keeps you hooked and wanting for answers and the animation and music are gorgeous.

#natsume yuujinchou #elegant yokai apartment life #caligula #how to keep a mummy #kyoukai no rinne #erased #pokemon sun and moon #Hoozuki no Reitetsu #hell girl #d.gray-man #anime rec #bb's anime recs #even if I explained the show badly let me tell you I loved all of these #they're all great

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oneweekoneband · 6 years ago

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Today’s first guest post is by my friend and fellow The Singles Jukebox contributor Vikram Joseph.

Counting to 15, 20, 30… - Delayed Queer Adolescence and the Songs of Troye Sivan

- Vikram Joseph

On a humid early August evening a few weeks ago, in one of those converted warehouse bars endemic to inner north-east London, I was chatting over drinks with a guy I’d once dated and had last seen in 2014. There was a lot to catch up on, and the conversation ran unexpectedly, rewardingly deep. It became clear that, though we’re both well into our adult lives by any conventional measurement, we’d each changed and grown significantly in the intervening years in a way that films, books and the media seem to suggest happens in your late teens. The idea of delayed adolescence being a common trope for queer people came up, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot since then. Why do those formative years of growth and the exploration of self-identity seem to happen later for us? Is it a delayed phase of development, a prolonged phase, or both? And how is this reflected in the way we interact, the spaces we choose to spend time in, and the art we consume?

***

A recent viral tweet:

“Gay culture is your life being delayed by 10 years because you didn’t start being yourself until your mid-20s.”

At the time of writing, this tweet has 117,000 likes. Clearly, this is a phenomenon which touches nerves across the spectrum.

To the extent that we can “know” a pop singer through their songs, it seems like Troye Sivan – still just 23, and releasing his second album – has done his growing fairly early on. In just a few years, we’ve heard him go from singing about tentative gay crushes to the fully-realised queer euphoria of his newer songs. And yet, the concept of protracted, stuttering adolescence is crisply, poignantly refracted through his music, and I feel that a lot of his immense appeal to queer people far older than himself can be attributed to this.

***

HEAVEN “The truth runs wild, like kids on concrete.”

“Heaven” deals with the internal struggle for self-acceptance – by no means unique to LGBTQ+ people, but one that everyone who’s grown up on that spectrum will understand intimately, in the form of coming out to yourself. “Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven?” Religion is a useful allegory here, but ultimately a distractor – the duality Sivan is really concerned with here is about happiness. For a lot of us, coming out for the first time feels like a crossroads, where we have to make a choice between one kind of happiness and another, and “Heaven” captures this (false, but very powerful) dichotomy beautifully.

Sivan’s first album, Blue Neighbourhood, hangs heavy with the imagery of suburbia. It’s rich, relatable visual and psychological territory, exemplified in decades’ worth of teen TV dramas and coming-of-age films. Many of us will recognise it as the backdrop to the fraught intensity of that long, tangled conversation with ourselves; the feeling of being on the brink of everything and the precipice of nothing, the intoxicating, paralysing combination of anticipation and dread. Sivan deals with this at 15; for me, I was 20, during university Christmas holidays, back in the dull hum of suburbia. Maybe there’s something about it that gives us the emotional space to plumb the depths of those brave new ideas. “Heaven” conjures this musically as well as lyrically, with a tense two-chord shuffle, close, muffled production, and Betty Who’s guest turn evoking a better angel from the future, reassuring us, beckoning us towards the light. If I’d heard it at 20, or earlier, it would have destroyed me; it might even have accelerated my own journey.

Sivan sings about “counting to 15”, the age at which he came out to his family. There’s something that invariably surprises straight people, when I’ve tried to explain it to them, but will come as no surprise at all to anyone else, and it is this: coming out never stops. Every new environment presents a decision to make and a challenge to face; and while it gets easier (and can often be an incredibly liberating experience), it’s never a formality. The subtler aspect to this is that there is no end-point to coming out to yourself, either. Accepting yourself as a gay person is just the beginning; there follows years and years of figuring out what that means. And I think this lies at the heart of delayed queer adolescence. These are questions of identity that are near-impossible to figure out alone, and many of us aren’t surrounded by other people with the same questions until much later – either due to geography, or opportunity, or not realising how badly we need to be, or maybe all of the above. And so “counting to 15” (or however old we are when we get there) is a countdown to the real start of our lives, rather than to any sort of conclusion.

***

TALK ME DOWN

“You know that I can’t trust myself with my 3 a.m. shadow.”

Queer mental health remains poorly understood and inadequately talked about, both in the mainstream press and in medical circles. Working as a doctor, I’ve witnessed the stigma towards LGBTQ+ patients from other medical professionals – rarely overtly hostile, but often casual, unthinking and pernicious. The mental health charity Mind believe that 42% of gay men, 70% of lesbians and 80% of transgender people experience mental illness; the statistics for gay men are almost certainly an underrepresentation, as men in general are less likely to report symptoms.

Early on in his powerful book “Straight Jacket: Overcoming Society’s Legacy of Gay Shame”, the journalist Matthew Todd runs through an harrowing litany of case studies of young gay people who have lost their lives to suicide, violence and addiction. He then explores the factors behind this, both intrinsic and extrinsic to the gay community, and hones in particularly on the near-universal gay experience of shame (in its many forms) during our formative childhood and adolescent years as a key determinant of depression, anxiety, poor body image, low self-worth, and harmful patterns of behaviour.

On the gorgeous, shimmering ballad “Talk Me Down”, Blue Neighbourhood’s emotional centre of gravity, Sivan sings (possibly from a friend or partner’s perspective) about dark thoughts, struggling for self-acceptance, and, implicitly, ideas of suicide. The accompanying video is high melodrama, but then, so is coming to terms with your sexuality. “I know I like to draw the line when it starts to get too real / but the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal” cuts to the heart of the conundrum most young gay people face – desire, and a need to be open and liberated, versus deeply-ingrained feelings of guilt, fear and shame. In his book, Todd argues that these are socially determined but can be overcome, but it’s hardly surprising that it takes a long time to get there – and hence, “normal” emotional development is a protracted experience.

***

YOUTH

“What if we’re speeding through red lights into paradise?”

It’s easy to forget that there are very few conventional pop songs on Blue Neighbourhood. “Youth” (and “Wild”) are probably the closest, but while it might be tempting to read “Youth” purely as a love song, I think its real core lies in escapism, another trope prevalent among (although, clearly, not unique to) young gay people. The imagery is wild and fantastical – “trippin’ on skies, sippin’ waterfalls” – and I distinctly remember writing similar (albeit much worse) songs at 15 or 16, cosmic love songs to no one in particular about things I knew nothing about.

Todd’s “Straight Jacket” has an interesting chapter on how he believes escapism informs archetypal LGBTQ+ tastes in pop, musicals, science fiction, horror and drag. I don’t always agree with the specifics, as I think we’re a broader church than he implies. But it’s hard to argue with the queer impulse for escape, particularly in our years of self-discovery, into spheres where our possibilities are limitless, our own selves freer and more confident, and our fears diminished. It’s maybe a symptom of that delayed development, of more years spent in limbo. When I listen to “Youth”, it gives me a clean hit of that feeling, particularly in the bridge, with “the lights start flashing like a photobooth” simulated by pulsing, strobe-light synths.

***

MY, MY, MY!

“Let’s stop running from love.”

Bloom, Sivan’s second album, finds him confident, assured and in love. It’s a big step, though not a quantum leap, from much of Blue Neighbourhood, and I’m interested in the in-between. “Running from love” perhaps gives a little away. It’s hard for us to know how to approach dating, love and sex. Certainly, queer people might feel unconfined by traditional heteronormative conventions or ideals, but equally many of us crave what our straight friends and families have. (It’s important to note that, of course, it’s not one or the other.) I think “running from love” speaks to a queer (and perhaps more universal) anxiety – after what feels like forever waiting for opportunities that feel tantalisingly out of reach, embracing a singular, tangible thing at the expense of all other potential things is terrifying.

Still, this is a dizzy, ecstatic, seductive love song. The expression “my, my, my” can seem trite in a pop song, but Sivan sells it as breathless disbelief. Some things are hard-earned.

***

ANIMAL

“No angels could beckon me back.”

And so we come full circle. The religious imagery is no coincidence; on Bloom’s stunning closer, the gorgeous, hazy reverie of “Animal”, we understand the heaven the Troye Sivan managed to reach.

It takes some of us a long time to get there, and the destination is different for all of us. I’m currently reading Michael Cunningham’s classic queer novel “A Home at the End of the World”, in which the character of Jonathan, at 27, tries to navigate the differences between the sort of settled, faintly bleak domesticity of the kind his parents have lived (“the fluorescent aisles of a supermarket at two in the afternoon”) and the often lonely, unfulfilling search for a different kind of home and family in the city (gay literature is fascinatingly fixated on homes and families, albeit often unconventional ones). It resonates with me. As queer people, the usual rules don’t have to apply – the expectations of one milestone and then the next, the pragmatic retreat back into suburbia at 30 – and that presents a different set of challenges.

I believe it’s a double-edged sword. Queer adolescence might be delayed because of our differences in the world, but equally, we are different because of that delayed development. It informs the way we experience life. Beautiful art is created because of those differences; hell, we might even be lucky enough to create some ourselves. And so, way beyond 15, most of us are still counting, still trying to understand, still discovering ourselves and each other, searching for logical families and people to grow with. No angels could beckon us back.

#troye sivan

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woodwind-sensei · 6 years ago

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2019 Worlds: Ladies’ Singles

There we have it! After two days of intense competition, Alina Zagitova (RUS) has won her first World Title! After a disappointing Worlds debut last year, I’m sure this is a redeeming moment for her, especially after the rocky season she’s had. I’m going to talk about the Top 10 here, as I have some (a lot) of thoughts.

Alina Zagitova (RUS) put up a solid effort to win the gold here. It’s not my favorite program by a long shot, but what matters is that she hit the jumps, which have been a problem for her all year after a growth spurt in the fall. Also, some questionable component marks for Composition and Interpretation of the Music. For me, Carmen should be approached with a little more subtlety. Anyone can play the brazen gypsy woman, but a true interpretation can also bring her more subdued qualities to light. With the frantic pace and somewhat messy music edits and lack of flow between certain points, it’s safe to say that Alina doesn’t really accomplish that.

Elizabet Tursynbaeva (KAZ) made history on multiple fronts today. She became the first senior lady to land a quad jump in competition (the third after Miki Ando (JPN) and Alexandra Trusova (RUS), both juniors at the time of their quads) and is also the first Kazakh woman to win a World medal, and the second Kazakh skater in general, after the late Denis Ten. Did she make history? Yes. Do I agree with the scores? Oh God, no. Again, these component marks are super inflated. Granted, so were everyone’s at this competition, but Elizabet’s boost was the highest (about 7 points higher than her season average of 62.5). She received a components score close to Satoko. SATOKO. Satoko Miyahara is one of the best skaters in the world in terms of the component marks, because she always performs programs that are beautiful and interesting, as well as having the skating skills to back it up. Elizabet is simply not there yet, and I highly disagree with what the judges are giving her. (Check out my Program Components breakdown to see a more in-depth look at how I view PCS marks) Also the GOE for the quad was high for me: that was not a super controlled landing, and the preparation was quite long. According to ISU Communication 2168 (Adjusted GOE Guide), the judges should have given around -3 to -1.

Evgenia Medvedeva (RUS) had the best comeback of the season after not being in the initial selection for the World team. With a strong win at the Russian Cup Final, she replaced Stanislava Konstantinova as an athlete for Worlds. This was her best performance this year, hands down. She looked like she was ready to fight for every single point. And it worked. She won the bronze medal here. It’s still not my favorite program from her, but with a little more work with David and Tracy should help her find a style that suits her skating well. I’d be interested to see her do a program like “Orange Colored Sky” again. I thought it was a lot of fun and made her seem more like a young ingenue. This heavy stuff doesn’t really lend itself well to her personality.

Rika Kihira (JPN) did her classic free skate comeback, but was not able to land on the podium this time. Even though she finished second in the free skate, her low short program score ultimately enabled other skaters to place above her in the standings. She has such raw potential, much like Mao Asada in her younger years. With such athletic and artistic ability, the right programs and the right mental toughness will get her to where she needs to be next season. She should be proud of this season, as she dominated the season that looked like it was going to be Zagitova’s to win or lose.

Kaori Sakamoto (JPN) was a popped triple flip away from a World medal. If that combination were successful, she would have amassed at least 150 points and a spot on the podium. The judges seemed to have backed Kihira all season, giving her higher PCS marks than Kaori during the Grand Prix season and 4CC. But here at Worlds, Kaori definitely received a little bit more help in the PCS. But to me, this is more justified than Tursynbaeva. Out of the 5 components in the free skate, Kaori won skating skills (Zagitova won the other 4). Even watching it on my laptop, I could sense the power and flow of Kaori’s skating in those first few crossovers. I could tell how much of the ice she was able to cover in just a few strokes. It was a breathtaking skate, and she definitely rose to the occasion in her Worlds debut. A top 5 finish is incredible!

Satoko Miyahara (JPN) finished off the podium after a bronze in Milan last year. She was able to overcome a lot of the technical issues like underrotations. An unfortunate error on her last combination caused her to miss out on moving up higher than she did. Satoko is still one of the most beautiful skaters in the world. I think what needs to happen is a readjustment of her jump technique. It’s obvious that she’s been trying to get more height and power in her jumps, which has caused a little dip in her consistency. Maybe she should spend a whole month jumping doubles, but the highest doubles possible, and then rebuild her triples form there.

Bradie Tennell (USA) had the skate of her life in Saitama. She has some wonderful jumps and definitely has room for artistic improvement. The one issue I have is that she is so tight. You can tell she’s a hard worker and that she has the will power to be a powerful athlete on the ice. But that tension can also translate to stiff knees and some jumping issues, which she had in the short. She went clean in the free skate. Benoit Richaud is a choreographer known for using more angular movements, so it works for Bradie, but I’d be interested to see if she works with someone like Shae-Lynn Bourne, who can give her the freedom to own her power while also providing variety to Bradie’s movements. One of Benoit’s faults is that his programs can sometimes be too one-note.

Sofia Samodurova (RUS) had a serviceable free skate for a Top 10 finish, as I predicted. Burlesque is not the music for a 16 year old (but then again, nothing will ever be as bad as Trusova’s “Big Spender” program). However, she did it with verve and definitely looked like she was having fun on the ice. She could work on transitions (Mishin’s camp tends to be “transitions? Who is she?” anyway), since the arrival of the Tutberidze juniors next year could mean no World Championships for any of the current Russian squad, so working on components could be a key difference for a young skater like Sofia.

Mariah Bell (USA) had a great competition, making the top 10 in her 3rd appearance at Worlds. She is really lacking a triple-triple. Without it, she’s not going to push past the 7-10 range at Worlds or Olympics. It’s also hard to talk about Mariah or the next skater without mentioning the drama in Saitama (I’m a poet and don’t even know it). I personally believe it was an accident, but we should not let the accusations from KSF and All That Sports go un-investigated.

Lim Eun-soo (KOR) made some mistakes in the free, moving down from 5th to 10th. There is a lot on her shoulders, as the KSF wanted two spots for next year. She also was injured after Mariah hit her with her skate blade. To be honest, Mariah’s pattern was a little too close to the boards than in the past, but still I believe it was an accident. But all the pressure from KSF and then to deal with all this press bullshit probably led Eun-soo to make some uncharacteristic mistakes in the free. She also has a free skate that is too old for her (Chicago, with choreography from Akiko Suzuki). She’s such a great skater with star potential, so as long as she keeps her nose to the grindstone, she should have some landmark performances down the line. Keep your eye on her, she might be the skater of the future.

The men’s free and free dance are tomorrow. I’m excited to see if Gabriella Papadakis/Guillaume Cizeron (FRA) can continue their dominant streak. With an unbelievable World Record in the rhythm dance, it’ll be hard for any team to get even close. The ladies’ event was so high octane and was an absolute joy to watch. Figure skating has raised the bar this year, and Im so excited for the Olympic cycle this season has set up.

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eddycurrents · 6 years ago

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For the week of 25 February 2019

Quick Bits:

Action Comics #1008 continues “Leviathan Rising” from Brian Michael Bendis, Steve Epting, Brad Anderson, and Josh Reed as the DEO is the next organization to be taken out. Great art from Epting and Anderson as the intrigue continues to unfold .

| Published by DC Comics

Amazing Spider-Man #16 gives us a prelude to “Hunted”. The mix of Nick Spencer’s humour with the subject matter of Kraven setting up an animal villain hunting network feels a little weird, but I want to see where he’s going with this.

| Published by Marvel

Avengers: No Road Home #3 adds new wrinkles to the tale as we find out that Nyx’s quest has affected Nightmare while another bunch of the Avengers search for a shard of her power. Love the narration and spotlight on Rocket Raccoon this issue. Great work all around from Al Ewing, Jim Zub, Mark Waid, Paco Medina, Juan Vlasco, Jesus Aburtov, and Cory Petit.

| Published by Marvel

Batgirl #32 concludes “Old Enemies” as Batgirl and Jason Bard reluctantly team-up to stop Cormorant. It doesn’t go as well as you’d hope, with Mairghread Scott leaving a lot of questions for future issues and setting up a continued rivalry. The levels of intrigue through the story are very compelling.

| Published by DC Comics

Betty & Veronica #3 continues the conflict between Betty and Veronica over a misunderstanding. It’s interesting as to how these things come about simply through a lack of communication and willingness to discuss the problems between two friends. Jamie Lee Rotante, Sandra Lanz, Kelly Fitzpatrick, and Jack Morelli capture the high school drama very well.

| Published by Archie

Black Hammer: Age of Doom #8 sees the return of Dean Ormston to begin a new arc on a strange new world. Like the revelation before of where the heroes were, this is another big change as we follow Lucy Weber in a relatively “normal” world.

| Published by Dark Horse

Buffy the Vampire Slayer #2 sets another high water mark for this rebooted series, capturing the spirit and essence of the original, but updating it for current audiences. The reintroduction of Spike, Drucilla, and Cordelia are great, especially the characterization that Jordie Bellaire gives her. She’s not presented here as a catty mean girl and I think it will lead to a more nuanced, interesting conflict between her and the Scooby Gang in the beginning. Also, the art from Dan Mora and Raúl Angulo is perfect. Seriously perfect.

| Published by BOOM! Studios

Captain America #8 continues this trend of Adam Kubert delivering some of the best art of his career. Kubert has always been a good to great artist, providing memorable work with Wolverine, Uncanny X-Men, and The Incredible Hulk, but in recent years he seems to have given a concerted effort to top his own already high bar of quality. The visual storytelling, panel compositions, layouts and transitions through this issue are phenomenal. Thoroughly gorgeous artwork from Kubert with colours by Frank Martin.

| Published by Marvel

Crimson Lotus #4 twists the tale again with a bit of misdirection and a demon monkey with a revolver. I think more stories need demon monkeys with guns. John Arcudi, Mindy Lee, Michelle Madsen, and Clem Robins up the stakes heading into the conclusion.

| Published by Dark Horse

Daredevil #2 is incredible. Chip Zdarsky, Marco Checchetto, Sunny Gho, and Clayton Cowles seem to be shooting for a masterpiece with “Know Fear” and it’s shaping up very well so far. Gorgeous artwork, coupled with an intriguing mystery, this really isn’t something that should be missed.

| Published by Marvel

Detective Comics #999 concludes “Mythology” and it basically convinces me that Batman is completely batshit insane at this point. I’m not sure if that was supposed to be my takeaway or not, but it seems to be the most logical conclusion to “Bruce tries to kill himself every year”.

| Published by DC Comics

Fantastic Four #7 continues Doom vs. Galactus. The artwork from Aaron Kuder, John Lucas, Marte Gracia, and Rachelle Rosenberg is incredible. There’s a very nice epic scope to the action.

| Published by Marvel

Fight Club 3 #2 is incredibly inventive. There are quite a few moving pieces that aren’t exactly wholly explained, but it’s amazing as to just how much information is really in the art, with this issue giving more context to what was happening last issue pretty much right in front of us, and I suspect the following issue will likewise better inform this one. This kind of recursive storytelling really fits the fractured mindset of “Balthazar”. Also, the art is insanely good, with very unique application of mirrored concepts and a frame that acts as a portal to somewhere else. Chuck Palahniuk, Cameron Stewart, Dave McCaig, and Nate Piekos are really creating something special here.

| Published by Dark Horse

The Flash #65 concludes “The Price” crossover with Batman from Joshua Williamson, Rafa Sandoval, Jordi Tarragona, Tomeu Morey, and Steve Wands. Spinning out of Heroes in Crisis, it’s a dark conclusion, leaving the heroes kind of beaten down despite a “victory” and Flash’s world more or less in shambles. With an epilogue hinting at worse down the road with “Year of the Villain”, while this is interesting now, I’m not sure how much of a repeat of bleak futures where heroes distrust heroes and everyone loses I can handle. That said, “The Price” itself has been an entertaining arc with some heavy development between Flash and Batman and another important puzzle piece in what’s going on in regards to whoever’s working to bring Batman, and likely every superhero, down. With some phenomenal art from Sandoval, Tarragona, and Morey.

| Published by DC Comics

The Forgotten Queen #1 begins a mini-series focusing on the villain War-Monger, fleshing out her backstory as an unwitting marine archaeological salvage crew search for her, from Tini Howard, Amilcar Pinna, Ulises Arreola, and Jeff Powell. You needn’t know anything about War Monger’s, now Vexana, previous appearances before as this can pretty much be enjoyed on its own and seems to be acting as a way to really build her up into something greater. To that degree, this is a great start. Compelling stories both in the present and the past, showcasing Vexana seducing Temujin, with very nice art from Pinna and Arreola.

| Published by Valiant

Freedom Fighters #3 pushes hard the plot point that in order to truly help America rise again and fight back against the Nazi occupation is to give the people hope and have them believing in Uncle Sam again. It’s a quaint idea and I love that Robert Venditti tackles the approach from both angles amongst the Freedom Fighters in regards to application of their efforts. Also, again, the artwork from Eddy Barrows, Eber Ferreira, and Adriano Lucas is stunning.

| Published by DC Comics

Hardcore #3 pushes the narrative further over a cliff to the point where Drake is now essentially falling, trying just to survive, as everything pretty much explodes. The action in this series is palpable as Andy Diggle, Alessandro Vitti, Adriano Lucas, and Thomas Mauer seem hellbent on making this as exciting a thrill ride as possible.

| Published by Image / Skybound

Hellboy and the BPRD: 1956 #4 is a bit of a turning point with Bruttenholm suffering a loss, the set-up for what happened to Varvara in the intervening years between her early days and the present, and what prompted Bruttenholm to drag back Hellboy. I really quite like Mike Norton’s take on Varvara.

| Published by Dark Horse

Ice Cream Man #10 is part two of “Hopscotch Mélange” and this strange reveal of the history of the Ice Cream Man and his brother the Cowboy. This one gives us a tragic love story, partially in Spanish.

| Published by Image

Invaders #2 deepens the mystery of Namor’s motivating factors and his apparent secret history with Professor Xavier. Carlos Magno handling present day scenes and Butch Guice the past works very well for the storytelling. It gives the flashbacks a dark, gritty feel that separates it from the current day.

| Published by Marvel

Justice League Odyssey #6 sees Dan Abnett take over writing duties, joining Carmine Di Giandomenico, Ivan Plascencia, and Andworld Design as the stakes in the Ghost Sector are raised a bit. Among the chaos of this area of space and the repercussions of Darkseid’s designs, there’s a nice character moment between Jessica and Cyborg.

| Published by DC Comics

Martian Manhunter #3 dives into J’onn’s arrival on Earth and how he became John Jones from Steve Orlando, Riley Rossmo, Ivan Plascencia, and Deron Bennett. While I’m riveted by the overall story, the art from Rossmo and Plascencia continues to be thrilling. Amazing layouts, character designs, panel compositions, and an almost psychedelic approach to the colours elevate this story so much.

| Published by DC Comics

Marvel Comics Presents #2 is still an oddball little anthology, with the serial Wolverine lead and this time a Fantastic Four and a Gorilla-Man back-up. On the one hand, it deals with time and the past, which is a key theme in the Wolverine story and a byproduct of the nature of the Fantastic Four tale, which takes place in the ‘50s. It’s kind of weird seeing something like this taking place in the actual time that it would given the original release of Fantastic Four back in the ‘60s, but Mark Waid, Djibril Morissette-Phan, Dan Brown, and Joe Caramagna give us a decent Cold War story. And then there’s the Laphams’ (with Lee Loughridge and Caramagna) Gorilla-Man story, which is good with Ken dealing with his attitude toward his gorilla spirit, but doesn’t necessarily fit that time or out of time theme.

| Published by Marvel

Oliver #2 delves deeper into the social structure of this world and into Oliver’s nature. Gary Whitta, Darick Robertson, Diego Rodriguez, and Simon Bowland are giving us a very interesting reimagining of Oliver Twist, with drop dead gorgeous artwork.

| Published by Image

Peter Cannon: Thunderbolt #2 is brilliant. Kieron Gillen, Caspar Wijngaard, Mary Safro, and Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou are creating a story here that acts as a de facto sequel to Watchmen on one hand, but is also a very clever deconstruction of that story, its structure, its characters, in order to present something unique. The little human elements of Peter and Tabu are sweet and the art is freaking awesome.

| Published by Dynamite

Punks Not Dead: London Calling #1 is the welcome return of Sid and Fergie in this second series from David Barnett, Martin Simmonds, Dee Cunniffe, and Aditya Bidikar. It picks up pretty much right where the first book left off, and continues the pair’s quest to find Fergie’s dad while the rest of the world deals with the paranormal fallout.

| Published by IDW / Black Crown

Quincredible #4 sees Glow help Quin rescue his parents, then launch into an investigation of the powers behind the escalating gang warfare. I’ve really been enjoying what Rodney Barnes, Selina Espiritu, Kelly Fitzpatrick, and Tom Napolitano have been doing on this book, with the coming-of-age tale and family drama, but this one really cinches things as it brings together the shared universe aspect of the Catalyst Prime world.

| Published by Lion Forge / Roar / Catalyst Prime

Redlands #11 is somewhat disquieting as we learn more about Z’s dead friend, Jake, who is currently inhabiting Nancy’s dead body. Jordie Bellaire, Vanesa Del Rey, and Clayton Cowles are doing a wonderful job of continuing the disturbing horror elements of this series, while broadening the characters and wider plot.

| Published by Image

Savage Sword of Conan #2 travels deep into Stygia as Conan and Suty search for the treasure from the map burned into Conan’s mind, while navigating through the terror unleashed by Koga Thun’s cult. While a bit more straightforward in its narrative, this tale from Gerry Duggan, Ron Garney, Richard Isanove, and Travis Lanham is holding its own against the equally excellent story unfolding in Conan the Barbarian. Like that one, this feels like Conan. It feels weighty, bloody, and dangerous with a compelling quest in front of him.

| Published by Marvel

The Silencer #14 starts a new arc from Dan Abnett, V. Ken Marion, Sandu Florea, Mike Spicer, and Tom Napolitano as Honor gets accustomed to her new old role as Leviathan’s cleaner. Great action sequences as always, plus the added benefit of Honor’s husband investigating her life since he can’t accept that she’s dead. That should add some interesting complications down the road.

| Published by DC Comics

Star Trek: The Q Conflict #2 divides up the crews amongst teams for the immortals and sets them off on their first challenge, to recover an Iconian gateway device. I think this is a very interesting way for a crossover between the different eras to occur and the art from David Messina, Elisabetta D’Amico, Alessandra Alexakis, and Carola Borelli is wonderful.

| Published by IDW

The Superior Spider-Man #3 concludes Ock’s battle with Terrax. This is really a wonderful showcase for the art from Mike Hawthorne, Wade von Grawbadger, and Jordie Bellaire. The action throughout the issue is very well done.

| Published by Marvel

West Coast Avengers #8 has Jeff, the land shark puppy, and that’s all you really need to know about whether or not you should buy this. Because you should. For Jeff. Do it for Jeff. Also, there’s an interesting plot regarding abductions that Noh-Varr thinks is Skrulls, but you mainly want this for Jeff. Kelly Thompson, Gang Hyuk Lim, and Joe Caramagna deliver a fun start to this next arc.

| Published by Marvel

Wonder Woman #65 concludes “The Grudge” as Wonder Woman confronts Nemesis again, gains a new understanding, and sets off on a new quest. Nice art from Jesus Merino, Andy Owens, and Romulo Fajardo Jr.

| Published by DC Comics

Wyrd #2 continues this entertaining madness from Curt Pires, Antonio Fuso, Stefano Simeone, and Micah Myers, with possibly and even more out there back up from Rockwell White, Pires, Martoz, and Myers. This go around, we get the British Prime Minister getting his kit off with a pig and gaining supernatural powers. It’s dark, it’s strange, but it’s also very good.

| Published by Dark Horse

Other Highlights: Atomic Robo: Dawn of a New Era #3, The Avant-Guards #2, Black Panther #9, Bone Parish #7, Books of Magic #5, Captain Marvel: Braver & Mightier #1, Cloak & Dagger: Negative Exposure #3, Corto Maltese: The Secret Rose, Die!Die!Die! #8, Edgar Allan Poe’s Snifter of Terror #5, Firefly #4, Hack/Slash vs. Chaos #3, Hex Wives #5, Invader Zim #40, Jim Henson’s Labyrinth: Coronation #11, John Wick #5, KINO #14, Mage: The Hero Denied #15, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers #36, Moon Girl & Devil Dinosaur #40, Old Lady Harley #5, Outcast #39, Princeless: Find Yourself #5, The Realm #11, Rick & Morty #47, Rose #17, Spawn #294, Star Trek vs. Transformers #5, Star Wars: Doctor Aphra #29, Summit #13, Wasted Space #7, The Wicked + The Divine #42

Recommended Collections: Barbarella - Volume 2: Hard Labor, BPRD: Vampire, Clankillers - Volume 1, Cold Spots, Cyber Force: Awakening - Volume 2, Euthanauts - Volume 1: Ground Control, Faith: Dreamside, Fire, Ninja-K - Volume 3: Fallout, Redneck - Volume 3: Longhorns, Spider-Geddon: Covert Ops, Typhoid Fever, The Unexpected: Call of the Unknown, The Weatherman - Volume 1

d. emerson eddy is running out of things to say in his end piece credit attribution. Tune in next time to find out if it’s finally done him in.

#This Week in Comics

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poipoi1912 · 7 years ago

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Carisi-centric thoughts on Ep 19x05

(a tiny bit late, because I’m already working on my new Barisi episode tag and I got distracted)

Overall Thoughts

A half-decent episode, a strong vibe of “been there, done that,” and some very solid acting by regulars and guest actors alike. Not a complete snoozefest (though it did get progressively worse, somehow), but too predictable to be truly entertaining. I am sensing a bit of a slump, but right now we’re at a comfortably mediocre level I could live with, lol. Still, I’m hoping the show will bounce back with episodes that are a little more creative.

Case-Related Thoughts

Uh. Yikes? They see what is effectively a stick figure-like age progression sketch and immediately they’re all “IT’S HER!!!” and then they see footage of her taking the subway and immediately they’re all “WE’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!!!” and then the brother’s story is a little off and they’re all “HE’S THE KILLER”.

Like, maybe show some restraint? Y’all are cops?

All of the drama could have been avoided, which is just poor writing. I mean, I laughed my ass off at “there are no orange groves in Pennsylvania”. That was their other big clue? Not the fact the girl refused to give a DNA sample but SVU released her into the custody of some random family regardless?

Speaking of, why on earth did they allow that girl to move in the family home literally 5 minutes after she was found? Was she even stable enough? And the continued refusal to give a DNA sample was certainly suspicious. Sure, the dad was covering up a crime, so his refusal to get the girl’s DNA tested rang true, but by that point it was already too late. They should have tested her DNA before they ever told the family. Why would they risk the emotional damage? To protect her, or respect her own privacy? Okay, but how about protecting the family as well? How about protecting the mother from the pain of losing her “daughter” twice? That’s the one parallel the episode failed to draw between the main case and Liv/Noah. Liv would never want to give that mother false hope.

Also, the son was acting way too creepy from the start. The dad did that a lot better (then again, Paul Schulze is always fantastic); his reaction was part creepy and part “maybe he’s being weird because he doesn’t believe that’s their daughter, but he doesn’t want to hurt his wife by saying that out loud”. Meanwhile, the son was practically all, “Yep. I did it. I don’t know who this random girl is, but she sure isn’t related to me. My actual sister is dead because I personally murdered her.”

Sonny and Continuity

Sonny crossing himself when finding dead bodies is a lovely touch, and I love that the show hasn’t forgotten his faith or his reverence for human life.

We got yet another random and unnecessary tidbit about Sonny's family life. All I’m gonna say is, I sure hope somebody in the writers’ room is keeping track of all this, because they're giving us 3 new tidbits every week and I feel like we're going to start getting conflicting info by episode 14. "So, when my pops was in the hospital for a month back in 2007, and I was in the waiting room, but also doing a student exchange program in Italy at the same time, and my oldest sister was pregnant with her first, but she also had a 3-year-old at home, and my mom was baking cookies for the nurses every Tuesday, but she had already been dead for 2 years, and...."

What is the point of all that? I appreciate the fact they’re trying to fill in some blanks, and Sonny has always been the type to overshare, so it does fit his personality, but it’s still kind of strange. Is Sonny stuck in the past, reminiscing literally at all times? Or do the writers want us to get to know him a little better? If so, why can’t he talk about his current life? Fill in those blanks? Or, even better, why not show us that current life? Lord knows we’re seeing enough of Liv’s life, but all the other characters have gotten nothing. Sonny and Barba especially had their one and only “personal” episode (one each) back in Season 16. It’s nice to hear about Sonny’s family, but it’d be nicer if we actually saw them :D

Sonny and Continuity Vol. II - Emotion

As I’ve said countless times, Sonny is always hit hard when the victims are younger, and I love the idea that a young-ish Sonny would have followed a missing child case even a decade ago (which would have made him how old? And was he a cop at the time? In college? In the Academy? A rookie? What year is it?) Especially since he was going through something emotionally traumatic, like having an ill parent. The ICU means his dad didn’t have it easy, so Sonny was probably worried and was trying to find an outlet for his stress (I’ve been there. Hell, I am there, that’s partly why I write these posts lol).

That said, I also loved seeing that Sonny’s sensitivity and attachment to children led him astray. It gave him false hope, and an overeagerness which is typical of him in general, but uncharacteristic of him as a cop; he usually has good instincts, but he’s also the cop who will triple-check every possible explanation before forming a working theory, so I liked seeing him get carried away. As sad as it was (because it was totally obvious he was wrong, since it was totally obvious the brother was guilty), I liked seeing him falter.

Not that he really faltered, or not that it was acknowledged.

I sincerely thought Sonny was going to get in trouble with a reporter (lol just kidding, of course that ended up being deleted) because he spoon-fed the girl various details she might not otherwise have known. There’s helpful questions and then there’s leading questions. Sonny was so excited about finding “little Em” that he let his emotions cloud his judgment. Again, that made sense, because he had a special attachment to this particular case, but I kept waiting for the payoff. I thought “Emma” would parrot the info Sonny fed her during her TV interview, or something. I kept expecting him to be reprimanded, later on. I wanted to see him acknowledge his mistake, and maybe even get punished for it. In a subtle way, maybe in a conversation with Liv, who would respect his guilt but would warmly yet sternly tell him not to get so easily excited in the future.

Except Sonny was punished via carrying a dead child. And I don’t know if that was even intentional (as a punishment) or accidental (most likely).

Sonny’s Punishment

As strong of a scene as it was, and not to get gory on ya, I gotta say, carrying a corpse like that after all those years? Wouldn't that girl be, like, a pile of bones at that point? And, dare I say, wouldn’t it have been more jarring and tragic if we had seen Sonny carrying an actual lump of remains, instead of an identifiable human shape? I would have gotten chills. But then, they wouldn't have been able to do the dramatic "carrying the body of a child" shot which...

Thank God Peter is such a good actor, and such an understated actor, at that. He is always given these dramatic-ass moments, but he never overacts, so he is able to bring some truth and some honesty to these otherwise melodramatic scenes. His performance is what grounds Sonny. I love how he goes big when the moment is more comedic, but he always shuts down and gives us these small, numb and nauseated expressions when the moment is tragic. The writing is heavy-handed enough, so a “bigger” performance would hurt its emotional impact.

I swear, sometimes it’s like the writers are trying to turn Sonny into this tortured, “vulnerable” version of a Gary Stu, since he has been the de facto male lead for so long, and there’s no one else around to do that sort of stuff, but Peter is valiantly playing him as a three-dimensional human being, because he’s a character actor at heart. As a viewer, I appreciate that.

If I had written this episode (which I wouldn’t have), instead of that entire “finding the remains” scene, I would have had the mother talk to Sonny after the trial, not Liv. I would have had the mother coldly tell Sonny, “I wish you’d never found her,” which would have been a great juxtaposition to “I look at you and I see the angel who found my daughter.” That would have been a more subtle way of punishing him, but just as much of a gut punch, and I’m sure Peter would have given us a reaction which would have been equally heartbreaking.

(WAIT SHOULD I PUT THAT IN MY BARISI EPISODE TAG? WHICH I’VE ALREADY STARTED WRITING? HELL YEAH I WILL. I don’t only fix the lack of Barisi, I also fix the missed opportunities for closure :D)

Stray Thoughts

Sucks that Fin was off for two weeks in a ro... wait he was in this episode? Oh okay.

Barba was underused again, but his face (and his voice!) when he asked if Liv was okay made his entire appearance worth it not really though, he needs more to do.

What was the brother convicted of? Wasn’t he a small-ish child when he killed his sister?

Girl: “Don't touch me!”

(Sonny approaches her with the clear intention of touching her)

Girl: “I said don’t touch me!

(Sonny keeps moving in her direction with his hands literally outstretched)

Girl: I SAID DON’T TOUCH MEEEE!!!!

*DUN DUN*

Oh, SVU, will you never learn? A “dramatic” moment doesn’t work it if it’s based on total contrivance.

The Noah storyline is getting predictable. Liv is going to start grudgingly trusting Sheila, despite her original (and correct) instincts, and then Sheila is going to pull something intense; kidnapping (in time for February sweeps, perhaps), or maybe making her case (to somehow vacate the adoption, which, lol) more legitimate by gathering “evidence” Liv is unfit to be a mother. You know Liv is going to get into trouble eventually, with a perp or a long case, and Off-Screen Lucy will be conveniently busy for once, and Sheila will volunteer to babysit, etc etc. That said, I loved that first courtroom scene. It’s always nice to see Langan, and Brooke Shields is very good (in setting up the fact she’s possibly deranged and will go awf later in the season)

Continuity has been better this season, but apparently it doesn’t reach back to the Stabler years, just to SVU 2.0. So I guess it’s understandable that they virtually redid an entire episode from SVU 1.0 and no one had any memory of it happening.

Amanda: “Liv’s going to bring in a reunification specialist.” (cut to Liv doing the reunification her own damn self) I love this show and its unintentional hilarity :D

Sonny’s sweet face when the parents thought they recognized their daughter? Peter is so good. He really broke my heart last night.

#sonny carisi #peter scanavino #svu #law and order svu #episode thoughts #yeah i wasn't really feeling this episode #only the acting kept me interested #oh well #can't win them all #brb writing some barisi to properly process this entire case #and its emotional impact on poor sweet sonny #because somebody's gotta do it #and you know the show won't #oh #also #long post #and hopefully #long fic to follow lol #i love you all

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hollywoodx4 · 7 years ago

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Sticking with the Schuylers (43)

Hi to all of the new readers who’ve just caught up...I don’t know where you’ve all come from but thank you so much for taking that time (all that time omg) to read this series. :) And as always for your lovely comments because they make me so happy I can’t even believe it.

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Tagging: @linsnavi @butlinislin @adothoe

Warnings: This story is pretty heavy on mentions of both physical and emotional abuse.

The yellow wallpaper had always been a bit much in this room; once spacious for an apartment, the girls’ back bedroom was closed off by bunk beds and clothes that littered the floor. The sunny yellow had been a forced compromise between soft pink, radiant purple, and electric orange in a conflict that just could not be solved. Shoving three girls into one room was far harder than the three boys across the hall. The Laurens boys had agreed on nearly everything when they were younger, from paint color to room arrangement to what time the lights would go off at night. Whether or not the male agreement had come from Luis’s forceful older brother style only the boys knew.

With Valeria’s girls, nearly everything had been an argument. Amaia, as the oldest, felt as if her vote in these matters counted more. She was always busy with her studies and her older friends, so much so that she'd often kick her two younger sisters out of the room to have ‘well-deserved privacy.’ Mari had just wanted to please everybody, as long as their opinion would include her small unicorn nightlight by the doorway. She could not sleep without it, and as much as the glow annoyed the older girls there was no sense in arguing with fear.

Emily had always been the headstrong one; she had no time for the arguments of others. If something annoyed her, she would be the first to let her sisters know. When it came time for a remodel of the bedroom they were severely outgrowing she'd made a compelling argument in favor of the orange paint she so loved, one which went in one of her mother’s ears and out the other. She had been listening to the fighting all day; they’d translated it to their play with their dolls and spat crumbs of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at each other. If the sisters couldn't agree, then Valeria would choose.

Tweety Bird yellow was the first sign of failure seven year old Emily had faced. She helped to paint with a scowl on her face which only grew in its stormy size when Amaia admitted how much she ended up admiring the color, and when Mari dutifully placed her unicorn nightlight back in its place. She still hated the color, even after Valeria let her choose orange sheets, or Mari gave her the bottom bunk so that she could build herself a little alcove. The walls were still glaringly, stupidly yellow, and nothing she said could change that fact.

She still hates the color of the room.

Emily no longer loves electric orange, at least not as much as she had as a child-definitely not so much as to paint a wall with the color. The walls in her own apartment are a standard white, a few smatterings of brick exposed here and there. The plainness of it all is a clear juxtaposition to the sea green sofa and red armchair and eclectic side-of-the-road furniture that make the living room pop with screams of mismatched color. It is still better than canary yellow, soft and unapologetic. Her slightly broken bedside lamp is far superior to Mari’s unicorn nightlight (which is still plugged in to the girls’ room at the Laurens’s, much to Emily’s chagrin). And all of it; her currently obnoxious roommates, the lack of privacy, the aggravating commute to the NYU campus…everything is better in comparison to putrid yellow.

Although this night, this back-and-forth with John, comes close to winning that space of annoyance.

Her brother is honest. From the moment she’d been able to walk, Emily had known that fact. Back then, when she was a follower to his sandbox adventures, he’d often wave her away with a roll of his eyes. She was too much for him; too clingy and too little and comparatively a lot to handle. She likes to think back on these moments, to remind him of those days as if they are completely over. That pull toward her Irish twin brother is not that intense anymore. She’d far outgrown her puppy-dog ways and hair in pigtails and bows. What she hasn’t outgrown, however, is her need for his guidance-whether she’d like to admit it or not.

John puts around the apartment, shuffling in front of the couch with a spring in his step. The freckles that dot his cheeks lift and pull along with them, in a dance that taunts her with its unrelenting optimism. Emily’s posture slouches on the couch, so much so that her head is now resting on the cushion. Her feet, adorned in mismatched black and white socks, are propped on the coffee table so that the space between her hips and her toes is suspended in the air. She crosses her arms over her chest, drawing out a long and heavy sigh as he crosses her path once more.

“You’re going to run out of oxygen with all of that sighing, you know.”

“Shut up, John.” There’s a change in his eyes, one that is immediately noticeable although Emily can only see the corners of his eyes. It’s a filament flash, flickering in a burst only long enough to bring attention to itself. And then it dies, dissipates slowly although its bright and teasing warmth remains a stain on her vision as he wheels around to look at her.

“I mean it, this is serious stuff-you might want to lose that attitude before all of this drama kills you.”

“Okay, mom.”

“Emmy,”

“-Could you just shut the hell up and clean your apartment, please? Let me enjoy this peace before the ‘Little Women’ get here.” Her eyes are dark and laden with an unrelenting sarcasm that comes through the way they roll in her head; from the way that cynicism seeps through the alto tone of her voice as she attempts to win the argument. If she hadn’t been dragged here under the false pretense of just getting drunk with John and Alex, there would be nothing she’d have to win. After being lied to so outright, however, there is so much to make up for.

Emily Laurens cannot see past the lie; there were seemingly no intentions in John’s mind other than attempting to fool her into thinking this night would be an easy, fun little getaway from the chaos her life had currently driven her into. That had been fine. She’d been excited for that. This next layer adds in an entirely new level of annoyance she hadn’t been expecting. Sitting on the couch waiting for an unsolicited night of socialization makes her blood boil and her body ache with anxious tension. She had never been one for surprises, or even socialization for that matter. John is well aware of the fact. He’s known his sister’s aversion to new situations for her entire life. This doesn’t seem to matter now, while he sends her optimistic grins every so often as they wait for their guests to arrive.

The sisters are first, much to Emily’s dismay. They file into the room in a poetic synchronization that is almost sickening for her to witness. Angelica leads them, making their entrance by holding the door for her sisters and sending a loud greeting through the room. Eliza is next, holding a platter with some form of pastry that she brings straight to the kitchen. Then she’s saying hello to everyone individually. Her pause is brief with Lafayette, who nods before turning away from her completely. With John she stays much longer, spending a deal of time whispering in his ear. Emily crosses the apartment to greet her, shaking her hand with a bright smile and a warmth that sends John back a few steps. It is a bit taxing, the show she is putting on, but the way she makes herself radiate positivity is not hard when she feels it coming from every portion of Eliza’s being. Whether that positivity is as genuine as the public makes it out to be is an entirely different analytical nightmare-one she’d rather discuss with Alex than his ‘work the room’ girlfriend.

The last through the door is Peggy-Emily can just barely make out her head of springy coils as she bounds through the door behind her sisters, her voice loud and raucous and immediately calling for Hercules. She makes herself comfortable almost as easily as Eliza had, kicking her feet up on the ottoman, her frame dwarfed as she curls herself into Herc’s side to show him something on her phone.

There isn’t a word to describe the sensation that wraps itself around Emily’s body, coiling and twisting and fighting herself in such a raucous way that she pauses mid-conversation with John in an attempt to gather her thoughts. He calls her name, a quiet echo that doesn’t quite reach her well enough to resonate, or pull her from her state of shock. A soft canary yellow-failure-adorns Peggy’s waffle-knit sweater, which is far oversized with the way it dips down just above her knees. She tucks her legs under one another, taking a sip from Lafayette’s cup as her voice bounces off of the walls with a jovial sort of freedom. Emily scoffs, turning to her brother as her own hair flips over her shoulder in soft waves, an accidental embodiment of her own annoyance.

“Can I just go? I mean you guys are pretty evenly matched now, I’d say. Why make the numbers uneven?”

“Alex is still coming.” His voice is low, and although he completely ignores her requests she knows what his answer will be. It isn’t as if he would hold her hostage here in this tiny apartment, or force her to do anything at all. The door is only a few footsteps away, and with a good enough excuse she wouldn’t make a complete ass of herself if she just slipped away before the party even started. But then there is John…her brother, her closest friend. He pats her shoulder and nods, as if he knows the thoughts that are running through her mind at that very moment. His own collected energy moves through her in waves that keep her grounded to the floor. And then he knows, he’s aware of the fact that while she may not want to stay, she certainly doesn’t want to go back to her apartment right now. This is what he uses to tether her here. Her brother is too smart for her sanity.

He pours her the drink of the night, concocted by Hercules after a binge of Food Network shows that had, by some magnificent stretch of fate, drastically improved his skills in the kitchen. This drink he totes proudly along, standing by the kitchen urging the newcomers to fill their glasses from the slow cooker. None of the roommates are sure where the device had come from, but Herc had pulled it out and dusted it off early this morning. It filled the room with the aromatic scent of apples and citrus and cinnamon, one that filled mugs and kept their company warm with its temperature (and the salted caramel vodka).

“This is what you’ve been raving to me about all these years?” Emily smirks as she remembers the calls. Even from the first year of college, back when he’d lived in his crappy shared jail cell of a dorm with Alex and a communal bathroom, game night is something he’d talked very highly about. She’d never come before-back then, it had been strictly a guy’s night. She’d always wondered what the hype had been about. Now, she is able to witness it. John is a lax, leaned back presence within it all, sipping on his drink and letting the warmth of the room wash over him.

“Yes.”

“So…you sit and get drunk and play video games?”

“Basically.”

“Well, now I can say I’ve seen it all. Nerd.” It’s a warm word, spoken with the affection shown through a roll of her eyes and a brush of her knuckles on his hair, ruffling loose tendrils away from its ponytail. He shoves her toward the couches then, plopping her down in an empty spot before sitting on the arm next to her.

“Go. Socialize. Forget about her. Have fun.” Emily turns to see her forced company, expression flat and unchanging as she’s met once again with bouncing curls and the color of that painful bedroom wall.

The door opens again half an hour later, a voice loud and resounding off the walls breaking the streak of billowing laughter coming from the living area as Angelica drives her little kart backward down the Mario racetrack. The tone of argument is sharp and cutting, lawyerly jargon spilled between tight lips and angered tones. His shoes are kicked off at the door and the chill of the outside air comes along with them. The game is paused as the conversation ends, with a huff and the plunk of a cellphone down on the kitchen counter.

“Oh…hi, everyone.” Alexander stands still, his face reddened by embarrassment and a hint of anger left over with the conversation he had been having on the phone. His eyes are widened with the sting of surprise upon seeing the apartment filled with people.

“You made it!” John is the first to greet him, shaking his head with a chiding smile. From the slight gape of Alex’s mouth he is sure that his friend had once again forgotten what day it is, maybe even where he lives. Alex shakes his head and pulls his jacket off, hanging it on a hook by the door before slipping next to Eliza on the loveseat. He takes a sip from the cup she has in her hand, kissing her forehead affectionately. Emily sits up in her chair as she watches the interaction. From her place on the couch she can see the slight tightening of the sister’s muscles, the way she crosses one leg over the other and keeps her eyes trained on the game.

“We were wondering if you were going to show up.” Emily isn’t sure if the others in the room have caught it, the snag in Eliza’s tone as her fingers find the hem of Alex’s sweatshirt. The timbre of her voice raises on the last word, not in question but silent speculation. It’s enough to make Emily lean back on the couch, biting her lip with widened eyes as she whispers a curse under her breath.

“You saw that too?” Peggy’s shaking her head, her voice just as low as their eyes remain trained on Alex and Eliza in curiosity. He leans over to whisper something in her ear and she pulls away, shrugging and keeping her attention away from him. Alex’s posture shifts-realigns itself so that he is able to wrap a hand around her waist. His head tilts but his voice remains too soft to be heard from their side of the room.

“What’s he saying?” Peggy leans herself closer to Emily, shoulders brushing as she begins her own side-conversation with John’s sister. Emily seems to be just as invested in this as she is, eyes trained on the couple in sideshow speculation that none of the other company pays any mind to. The only break in contact is when Peggy is passed a controller, urged to beat Hercules as reigning champion. She steers wildly between watching her sister and the screen, Emily whispering updates consisting of broken-up information ceased from bad lip reading and assumption.

“I don’t know what’s happening but now he’s getting up to get a drink. Man, your sister looks pissed. I didn’t know she had that kind of look in her.”

“Oh, great. Are her arms crossed?”

“No, she’s kind of...hold on, just look.” She puts a hand over Peggy’s, just long enough for her to spare a glance Eliza’s way. She groans under her breath, speaking through half-closed lips in an attempt to keep their conversation private.

“That’s not good. She’s never testy like this. And that little leg kick she has going on? Nervous habit. It used to drive me crazy when we were younger.”

“What did my brother do now, do you think?”

“Who, me?” Emily ducks as the weight of John’s hand pats her head repeatedly, leaning into her and smothering her in a hug. “Look at you, making friends. Are you having fun yet, Emmy?”

“Please leave me alone and move over before I punch you, Johnny.”

Eliza lets out a slight laugh at the interaction on the other side of the room, where John and Emily have begun to wrestle each other with strength meant to embarrass rather than hurt. The room is filled with a sense of peace-of a calm she hadn’t felt in days. It does not wash over her in the way she had thought. It does not move into her body. The serenity travels around her in bursts of wind that come with Herc’s laughter, or Angelica’s celebration of another drunken victory. She can practically see it, the way its warm hues of color swirl around her. They never quite reach her, rather sway and ebb around an invisible shield constructed without her knowledge. She reaches out, attempts conversation that seems near impossible to continue. When Alexander gets back she grows silent again, trading her attempts at normalcy to let her head rest back against his chest.

He can feel the hesitation in her movement. It’s minute, barely any different from her usual self. But he’s known her so long, and loved her so fiercely, that these details scream out at him in an immediate alarm. Her shift in position is only disguised by a yawn; where she’d usually curl herself into him or splay her legs across his lap, she keeps herself in line with the television and the games at hand. When his hands move to the waves that fall over her shoulders she is still. Where there would once be a kiss or a whispering of words laced in her dulcet tones there is merely a smile which barely reaches her cheeks. Alexander is left with one hand feeling stupid, coiling her silken strands of dark honey around fingers itching to wrap themselves around her. He sips from his drink instead, letting the boiling cider course a path down his throat. The burn does not shock him as he’d hoped. This is not a dream.

He clears his throat, then, although the drink has not offended his palate. In an attempt to decipher what is going on he leans down to whisper the question into Eliza’s ear. He is met with an immediate chill as he pulls away from him, shaking her head.

“Not here,” she says. Between the lines of her words her voice wavers, and it is only when her eyes finally meet his that he can see that she’s cried today-not so recent to allow puffiness or moisture within them. At the corners of her eyes there is a slight redness, where she must have been rubbing away the emotions he hadn’t been there to help her with. He wonders how many times this has happened since he’s moved, but the thought tugs too harshly at his heart. He doesn’t want to know.

“Do you want to come over after or are you busy?” He nods, a response to the first question he can only make with movement. She does not return the warmth to his chest, then, as he expects. Alexander watches as Eliza rises from their recliner and grins at his sister, squeezing herself on the floor in front of her and Peggy.

“Trouble in paradise?” Alexander jumps as the thickness of a familiar French accent sounds in his ear. Lafayette’s voice is a trumpet; although quiet in volume it rings with brassy tones that do not play gently with his ears. They reach a level he’d define as crass, if he’d be daring enough to utter the words. Instead he tightens the corners of his mouth, lowering his eyes at his roommate.

“Fuck off, Laff.” Although Alex’s voice is terse and condescending his friend does not get the hint. He props himself up daintily on the arm of the recliner, leaning with one arm stretched along the back to keep himself up. From this vantage point he is able to look down on Alex; to see the path of his eyes cross the room to Eliza. It is almost hopeless, the way his once independent and reckless friend has transformed into a mess from just one turn of his girlfriend’s nose. This is the farthest Lafayette has seen him stray from himself; where a tomcat once sat is now a tiny, mewling kitten just waiting to be told what to do next.

“Fine, I’m backing off. Just don’t waste your life on this one, okay? I’ve lived it.”

Alex’s knuckles tighten around the nearest stitch of fabric he can find, gathering the cushion of the couch in his hands and squeezing as he lets out a breath of annoyance. The back of his head pinches where his hairline ends and his neck begins, and he counts in slow numbers with the silent movement of his lips. There are thousands of responses coursing through his mind, curses and filth and shouting that would get him into more trouble than it is worth. The only words he can manage are incoherent, mumbled and condensed versions of the image of a tirade just the skipping of a breath away.

Lafayette doesn’t speak to him for the rest of the night.

He does speak to everybody else, save Eliza. He rolls over her in conversation, passing through any form of contact even after she wins the tournament against him. She does not seem to be bothered, or even take notice of it. Eliza is passive; she floats through the haze of the party with only small additions to conversation, keeping her spot on the floor and stopping Hercules after he attempts to refill her drink for the third time. She builds a calm façade, one which is executed with flying colors through most of their friends.

When the night is over she is the last of the guests to leave. Her sisters trail in front of her, laughing and hollering through the bitter night air in a tipsy sort of haze. Emily walks with them, teetering on sneakers not quite meant for the moisture of fresh, powdery snow. She takes Eliza’s place in the cab, squeezing between Angelica and Peggy with the first genuine smile seen from her all night. Her heart warms at the sight, and she waves the car off as Alex steps off the curb to hail their own.

It is quiet; the air is thin and her breathing comes in a sporadic rhythm she is unable to control. While his hand hesitates to hold hers, moving on and off of his own lap, she glues her eyes to the window before accepting it. There is something foreign, a comfort that reaches her heart with simultaneous unease. She allows her mind to drift outside of the window, to a time much different than the rolling of tires against dark asphalt and the hum of classic rock coming through the radio. She remains in this place as she leads him up the stairs, through the door that had once been theirs. His askew letter A still accompanies the tightly curled E on its surface, and it sends Alexander some semblance of peace.

The peace is disrupted by a broken sort of familiarity when Eliza opens the door. Their home-her home-seems barren although it has been decorated by a keen eye and her mother’s guidance. Alexander takes his shoes off at the door, propping them on the drying mat as he watches her mill about the room. Her nerves have manifested into tiny habits at this point; the straightening of cushions, a pull at her hair, until he can’t take it anymore.

“Please just tell me what’s wrong.” His voice breaks a silence that had been coated in an eerie sort of vibe, one he hadn’t realized until his tenor cut through it, awkward and inquiring. Eliza sighs, nodding. She pauses in her wandering to fall back onto the coffee table, a foot clad in a long wool sock tapping the hardwood floor.

“I just….I think I’m just adjusting to this whole living apart thing, but I haven’t seen you in a while, and,”

“I miss you too, I miss this,”

“-You never showed up on Wednesday.” Her interruption is so sudden, its pace so quick, that he has to stand still and let it run over in his mind before he can process it. His eyebrows quirk, just for a moment, before his jaw drops. “I called you, but you never picked up. I feel like texting would’ve been useless since you haven’t been lately, and then I called John and he said you were at the library.”

He had been. Wednesday was a more bustling day, from work to class and back again. But Wednesday had always been their day. They’d catch up on their shows, order takeout…no matter what happened during the week, he could always count on Wednesdays. And she could always count on him.

Shit.

He had left work and gone straight to the library, fragments of his current case study swirling in his mind just waiting to be deciphered. He hadn’t meant to stay long, only an hour or so. But suddenly the lights brightened, and his vision grew hazy. Suddenly he was the only occupant of the gigantic room, the minute sound of his breathing the only trace of life within it. He hadn’t even known what day it was then, hadn’t connected the dots from the similarity in his schedule to he and Eliza’s night. He’d forgotten. The realization hits him with an immediate apology, one that comes tumbling from lips that ache to brush against hers, to make her disappointment disappear.

“I just wish…we haven’t talked all week. I know you’re busy, and I know how your schedule gets, but I just missed you. You weren’t calling me back, and then you didn’t come on Wednesday, and,”

“I am so sorry. You don’t deserve that, Eliza, I swear. I never want you to feel like you don’t mean everything to me, or that I don’t care about you or I’ve forgotten you. It’s just been crazy lately and that’s no excuse, there’s no reason I shouldn’t have been there Wednesday night. I could never say sorry enough.”

His eyes are wide and apologetic, with the depth she had gotten lost in just four months before knocking her off of her feet again. Her hand meets his shoulder, trailing down his arm in comfort and attempting to get his rampant rant of words to stop. Alexander nods at her silent concession, slow and meticulous as his anxiety yields to the calm of her touch. It’s uncertain, the way his heartbeat returns to the typical racing the lift of her cheeks brings him. It doesn’t seem fair. But she’s there, her fingers brushing the back of his hand, and he’s forgiven.

“Well we have tonight, right? You can stay, we can pretend this whole moving out thing never happened…” She bites down on her lower lip then, looking up at him through eyes slightly widened by suggestion. He is sold; saying no to her had never been much of an option. Even if he had wanted to, by some stretch of an imaginary world, she always managed to draw him in. He wraps his arms around her waist, the taste of apple cider made sweeter by her lips as she hums in response to his touch.

They have tonight; he lets himself fall to the couch, Eliza toppling over him, as his promise is painted in breathless words against her neck. There is simplicity in his presence, a fill in the hole she had created with necessity in place of her own desires. With Alexander there, his body pressed against hers and his love demonstrated so clearly, she is at peace.

#mine: swts #swts #hamliza #hamilton au #EGGY

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steamishot · 5 years ago

Text

End of July

i think i’ll be starting my period sometime in the next 24 hours. my friend who i am synced with just started hers this morning. tomorrow, i am using a sick day to go to to dentist. my dentist is in san gabriel- a 20 minute drive east of my home. in the past, i would only take a half day, but then i thought, why am i stressing and rushing myself to go to work when i have all these sick hours. even more so when there’s not much pending at work. so, i plan on going to the dentist in the morning, having lunch in the area, then coming home and painting my living room and kitchen. my dad asked one of his home depot contacts to come work for us lol. i’ll be taping and painting along with him tomorrow so the job gets done faster. just came back from home depot earlier and bought two gallons of shiny luster paint- the same shade and sheen as my room. i also bought a darker grey to paint the borders for contrast. hopefully it looks good. a few weeks ago, our gallon full of coins got topped off. my mom would sit and individually package the coins into the sleeves banks provide whenever we wanted to exchange the coins for cash- this would take her nearly half a day. not sure why we never used coinstar before, but we finally did it. i learned that its an 11% fee if you exchange the coins for cash, but there is no fee when you exchange for a gift card. so, with one gallon full of coins, we got about $350 total- i put about half on a home depot gift card, and half on an amazon gift card. it was funny/so coincidental today that our total came out to be exactly 2 dollars less of our home depot gift card (my dad also had things to buy and we weren’t computing the costs).

events this past weekend: friend’s going away party. she received a scholarship from fullbright- which is a prestigious academic award to represent the US in international affairs. i didn’t realize how honorable it was til today and previously saw it as another “teach english abroad” opportunity. we ate at roe seafood in long beach. i thought the food was pretty bomb- i’d give it a 7/10. however, the more i ate of my scallop porcini pasta- the more water i had to drink. taste wise it was definitely there, but the cheese/carb combo was so damn heavy. i liked the group and it felt easy/natural to socialize (also because i was sitting in between my good friends b and s). in my last blog, i was venting about b, but i realize in the grand scheme of things- the little things i get annoyed by don’t matter. she continued to do the things i got ticked off by over text, but instead of getting irritated, i tried to teach myself to be loving and forgiving and think- she’s not me, i’m not her, don’t think that what i think is the “right” way of doing things is actually right. we had a nice time together that night. good vibes throughout.

watched lion king with my mom, grandma, bro and wife. i went into the movie having low expectations due to what everyone else was saying, but i enjoyed it. the fact that we got to live through seeing the cartoon version in 1994 to seeing it full in CGI in 2019 is incredible. i love the storyline of lion king. the scene where mufasa dies always gets me. i had to hold back tears during the emotional parts of the movie lol.

matt’s free time is decreasing and decreasing. he now has to work 6 days a week. he’s at work before i wake up, and still at work after i’m off work. on a GOOD day, he’ll only be at the hospital for about 13 hours, on a bad day, maybe 16 :(. he also has to study outside of work as they have monthly exams. saturday was his one day off during the week and it was kinda sad lol. he has one day to catch up on sleep and he’s too tired to do anything else. he tells me that he doesn’t have time to drink water at work, let alone use the restroom. his lunch consists of downing a soylent. his hospital is severely understaffed and he is doing nurses’ duties (drawing blood, patient care taking). he normally calls me right after he gets off work. i get to talk to him for about an hour or so, while he’s prepping dinner and eating. he then goes shower and gets ready to sleep and i get to see him again for a few minutes before he sleeps. i feel lucky that i’m the one he wants to talk to and see every day. i hope i brighten up his day, as he keeps saying he’s “dying” lol. when he didn’t match into a residency program, he was depressed. now that he’s in residency, it’s also depressing (but at least there is an end in sight). apparently the second and third year residents are super jaded and negative. i wouldn’t be surprised if he became like that in a year lol. on saturday, he called me right before i was going to shower. so i told him that i’ll call him back afterwards. as i got out of the shower, i saw a message from him saying - take your time, i’m gonna go shower too. so i took my time and started getting ready for the going away dinner. he called me 10-15 later and was like “you didn’t call me back!” there was something so satisfying about him being needy and clingy LOL. he’s naturally an independent cerebral person so i love it when he is needy.

saturday night at like 1am, i got a random text from L asking me about relationship stuff. coincidentally, i couldn’t sleep cus your girl would have been dead asleep by 11 any other day. i’m happy that she felt comfortable enough to reach out to me and share her feelings. i learned that we both are perfectionistic, have unrealistically high expectations, and are quite sensitive. she cares a lot about how others/her friends perceive her relationship. she shared with me an instance where her bf came off a bit rude to her in front of her friends and she felt “very disappointed” in him. if i place myself in her shoes, i can understand why she felt hurt. and if its an reoccurring thing, then i’m sure the pain is stronger. however, being “very disappointed” in your partner for being human is stressful for both you and them because you set unrealistic standards for the relationship. she wasn’t able to let it go and gave the incident more attention than it needed. from hearing her story, i basically saw my problems in someone else. it makes me realize how silly and crazy i am sometimes in making mountains out of molehills. i used to think that it was good to have high standards for your partner, and i often felt disappointed by my last partner. i think it reflected more on myself than him- my needs weren’t being met, i wasn’t happy in the relationship, i stayed with an incompatible partner, etc. having “high” standards is only valuable if the standards are attainable and something that can be worked towards.

i feel very happy with my current partner. being away from him for almost two months now has allowed me time to reflect on us and myself. i’m way more forgiving with the distance, and considerate about his new schedule and circumstance. in my last relationship, i started seeing the flaws around 8/9 month mark. and if i was smart and experienced enough, i would have realized those were dealbreakers (because in the end, i broke up with him for the same reasons). coming up on 9 months with matt, i feel secure and that our issues are small issues. we’re able to get along and have similar values and ideals.

his words can sometimes come off harsh but i’ve gotten used to it and actually really appreciate him being honest and constructive with me. a week or so before he left, i was hanging out in his room. i forgot what we were talking about before but he said, “you would be much much prettier if you worked out. not that you don’t look good now, but you would look better if you worked out.” i was a little bothered by that at first, but realized he is 100% correct. i never paid attention to my body much before- but skinny fat is not a good look or feel. my bikini pics in hawaii were meh lol i was flabby, weak and out of shape. i started working out recently with dumbbells and find it so fun- more efficient work out than without any equipment. working out also helps my face maintain its shape. i realized in the past months my face started looking more bloated and fat. i’ve even received comments from two of my older friends - “you got fatter. but just in your face.” i was never mindful of how my diet and exercise routine affected how i looked. which is really dumb as a human lol. i kinda wish i was more athletic when i was younger because i’m almost just starting from scratch now. however, i am grateful that i was at least somewhat active (hiking here and there, walking, leisurely workouts) in the last few years. so, he helped me gain weight to be at a normal range (this is the heaviest i’ve been my whole life). now it’s my job to tone myself. i’ve been saying this for some time, but i’m getting more cognizant about fitness which will help the consistency.

throughout our time together, he’s only lost his patience/raised his voice a little twice during arguments. the last time he did actually helped so much in putting me in my place. he is very smart and makes pretty good arguments sometimes haha. the last time, it made me realize that it’s better to nourish my relationship rather than bring drama into it. since then, i’ve thought twice about bringing up small issues that i can learn to let go. i love that he pushes and inspires me to be better and to be hardworking. and i’m glad i’m pretty receptive to his ideas.

i read old conversations with my past partner today. it was super cringy. i come off as cold, inquisitive, and serious and he comes off as immature, emotional and uninterested in my thoughts. even reading through our messages now i felt the frustration i felt when i was talking to him then. i felt i was always trying to change him into the person i wanted him to become. i saw the potential but i didnt see the person he was. to me, he was gross, trashy and had many insecurities. the more separated i am from it, the more i am disgusted with myself for choosing that lol. however, i am grateful for what he taught me, which was what attracted me to him in the first place- how to be intimate emotionally and physically, how to talk about feelings, how to communicate, how to talk about more difficult subjects, how to bring up issues, how to understand what i’m feeling, etc.

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allthingsfuckingconsidered-blog · 5 years ago

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Scorpion / One Year Later

To say that Drake has captured mainstream media attention to heights that only dreams are made of is an understatement. Born Aubrey Graham to Dennis and Sandra Graham in Ontario Drake’s musical roots can be traced directly to his paternal lineage. It was while performing at Club Bluenote in Toronto that Dennis and Sandi first met. Flash forward to 2018 Drake is one of the worlds biggest stars and anytime he decides to release new music he moves the needle and stops hip hop and sub genres promptly in their tracks. January 19, 2018 “Scary Hours” the EP was released to digital platforms confirming what many of us had assumed from photos of him in the studio on his instagram page @champagnepapi that Drake had new music to soon share with the world. At the stroke of midnight we received two new records “God’s Plan” a light hearted song that would end up charting and earn him his fourth Grammy the following year. Also on the EP was “Diplomatic Immunity” which was straight bars, no hook. Drake addressed his rumored quick relationship with Jennifer Lopez as well as his light beef with former rapper turned podcast giant Joe Budden. The video for God’s Plan took off and was one of the years most viewed videos on YouTube it unfortunately drew the ire of some who felt it was all a publicity stunt namely Peter Rosenberg of Hot 97 (click here) . Skip to April and Drake releases “Nice For What” a ladies anthem with a New Orleans bounce to it with a video featuring some of Hollywood’s leading ladies (Tracie Ellis Ross, Issa Rae, Rashida Jones, Tiffany Haddish, Zoe Saldana and Tara Shahidi to name a few. It was officially Drake SZN. Shortly thereafter via instagram tons of celebrities started posting pictures of satin jackets with the title Scorpion on the back and we had our album title. Now this story is very much Drake’s but there are so many moving parts we must address to understand the final version of Scorpion that we received on June 29th. Good Music headed by Kanye West which features Drake’s current number one nemesis and Bar Gawd Pusha T were also slated to release a plethora of music during the month of June. The first shot fired (double entendres) from the G.O.O.D. camp happened to come from Terrence Thornton aka King Push. “It was written like Nas but it came from Quentin” from the song Infrared a direct reference to Drake’s alleged ghostwriter Quentin Miller who was credited as a writer on 4 of the standard version of the albums 17 songs (19 total on the physical cd release). Now remember Meek throwing the ghostwriter allegation out and DJ Drama’s ex wife exposing him as the leak for the reference tracks do to her alimony payment not arriving in her bank account on time put serious chinks in Drizzy’s armor he had no choice but to step up and go toe to toe with Meek. In the end Drake came out victorious in his war with Meek but there was an underlying beef that was still lying in the weeds. Drake and Push have been trading barbs since Pusha released “Exodus 23:1″ on May 23rd 2012. Drake sent subs and some direct shots Pusha’s way after a botched performance with 2 Chainz that didn’t go over too well Drake brought out Titty Boi and stated “that’s how the fuck you bring 2 Chainz out!” also then giving the crowd an inpromptu freestyle “If you was doin' 16s when I was 16, and your shit flopped and you switched teams, don' t talk to me, my nigga!” Ouch, well let’s do the math Drake was born October of 1986 which means he would’ve been 16 in the year 2002 August of that year the debut album by Virginia brothers and rhyme duo The Clipse “Lord Willin” was released featuring arguably one of the most infectious beats in hip hop history (click here). Yes the same group that featured Pusha T and his older brother Malice who eventually gave his life to the Lord and now is an ordained minister that goes by No Malice. The duo was under the label Star Trak which is headed by super producers The Neptunes (Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo) who happened to be old neighborhood friends of the Thornton brothers. So if we are paying attention Drake was 16 when Lord Willin was released. Pusha would eventually end up on G.O.O.D. Music sometime between 2009 or 2010 the dates still aren't clear. So in this freestyle without saying his name it was a direct shot at King Push not bad for a former child actor from Canada right? (Don’t sleep Degrassi is a good fucking show! you can watch it here) Ok back to current times sorry I got a bit carried away. I was in the shower with Pusha’s “Daytona” album playing on my beats pill when I heard the shot thrown at Drake also keep in mind the song that directly precedes “Infrared” on the album is titled “What Would Meek Do?” I swear to you this stuff can’t be made up. I remember getting out the shower drying off, getting dressed for a doctor’s appointment thanks to my employer (bleh). I remember texting my cousin asking did you listen to the Pusha album and did you hear that direct fucking dart he sent towards Drake. We both were under the belief that there was no way he could tip toe around the situation he had to come right for him say his name or give direct references. I’m sure we’ve all heard “Two Birds, One Stone” where Drake threw subtle jabs at Pusha but nothing direct funny thing is Kid Cudi caught the most direct shot “you were the man on the moon now you just go through your phases” which of course are direct innuendos to the title of Cudi’s debut album and his struggles with mental health. But his El Chapo bar as nice as it was within the cadence just didn’t hit like the Cudi bar did. Now keep in mind if you’ve been following all of this in real time on your own time you would’ve heard two responses from Pusha about “Two Birds, One Stone”. His first stance was “he aint talking about me” Pusha would later recant this statement by saying that “Infrared” was a response to Drake throwing the shot on “Two Birds, One Stone”. Wait what? Yes rappers are walking, talking, living, breathing contradictions. So here we go back to May 25th 2018 the release date for Daytona. I had gotten back from my doctor’s appointment was scrolling my twitter timeline to find out The Boy had dropped a new song on Soundcloud “Duppy Freestyle” which is by far my favorite Drake diss of his career. Truth be told I have to admit I can’t really consider this a full diss to Pusha because there was not really anything Drake said that was detrimental to Push most of the heavy lifting came at the expense of Kanye who Drake felt had played him. Drake had arrived in Montana to help Kanye work on his album that would follow Daytona a week later. Drake’s right hand man and OVO Sound in house producer and basically the man responsible for Drake’s sound OVO 40 showed up a day early and told Drake the energy was off. Per Drake’s telling of the events on HBO’s “The Shop” produced by LeBron James and his business partner Maverick Carter; Kanye convinced Drake to tell him the release date of his album Drake also shared some very personal details about having recently learned he had a son by former adult film star Sophie Brussaux . Now for myself I had heard this rumor on the podcast “The Read” cohosted by Kid Fury and Crissle West as early as May of 2017. It wasn’t the first time Drake had been accused of fathering a child but this would be the first time his camp didn’t vehemently deny the allegations (where there’s smoke, there’s fire). Fast forward March 2018 a night that gamers will remember as the night Drake, Tyler “Ninja” Blevins and Pittsburgh Steelers wideout Juju Smith Schuster played Fortnite on Twitch and set a streaming record. It was during a break in the live stream that Drake had found out via results of a DNA test that was indeed a father. Ok so this information found it’s way to the ear of Terrence Thornton aka Pusha T, remember where I referenced above that DJ Drama’s wife spilled the beans on Drake’s reference tracks yes pillow talk is a dangerous game guys but we will cover that a bit later. So Duppy is out and twitter is going crazy as a fan of hip hop and being the chief reason for the song Pusha T heard and it asked Drake to send the invoice over he referenced at the end of the song. Ok so we wait........ for a response that is, but in the interim we got “I’m Upset’. Keep in mind it’s Memorial Day weekend and we all kept refreshing and in my mind I said to myself Pusha is going to respond after we’ve all had our barbecue and are getting ready to return to work and then...... nothing or so we thought. Leaving work Tuesday I was sent a link “The Story of Adidon” wait what? Pillow talking ladies and gentleman, pillow talking Pusha shot back at Drake and brought baby Adonis into the war as well as Dennis and Sandi. Y’all remember the face y’all made while listening? I do lol! So Drake went quiet, we knew Scorpion was coming June 29th. But what were we getting? Drake poked his head out to respond to the artwork for Pusha’s response via his iOS notepad and that was it save for him pressing the emergency button. Wednesday June 13th Drake gathered his Degrassi : The New Generation alumni together on their old stomping grounds for the video to “I’m Upset” Remember how I referenced Degrassi earlier in this piece? Ding ding this was the video that made me sit in front of the tv for hours watching old episodes. Drake had survived the coup de grace from Pusha with some help from his adolescent friends just remember whatever it takes, I know I can make it through! So the two weeks before the album’s release promotion kicks into high gear billboards with lyrics from the forthcoming album also a billboard that referenced “A Side” and “B Side”. If you remember the promotion leading up to the album Views the artwork for the singles, Pop Style and One Dance were similar one in white cursive script on a black background the other in black cursive script on a white background had people thinking Views would be a double album some went as far as to say there was a white disc and a black disc. Contrary to these thoughts Views was one succinct album though it featured 20 songs they were all part of a single composition, interestingly enough Views is the album that initiated the rift between Drake and Joe Budden but nonetheless let’s continue shall we? Mal of the Joe Budden podcast dropped the info that Scorpion would in fact be a double album with “A Side” being the more aggressive rap offering whereas “B Side” would be more of Drakes more melodic records. As I refreshed and refreshed OVO 40′s instagram for more info all we could do is wait. Eventually we got the album artwork which is very basic if we are being completely honest but its honest just a black and white headshot of Drake with his signature and the word Scorpion which I would assume is in his own handwriting. Thursday June 28th the track list was revealed and hours later the features - Jay Z, , Ty Dolla $ign, the late great Static Major and the late iconic Michael Jackson (current social climate notwithstanding) also included concert audio from his Young Money family Nicki Minaj, the City Girls, Lil Wayne audio and an instagram clip of Plies. The trackless resulted in one of the funniest tweets about Michael Jackson considering the fact that the Jackson family patriarch Joseph Jackson had just passed away earlier that week. “How’d Drake get Mike on his album......Joe Jackson died got to heaven and told Mike to get back to work”

And then 11 PM CST came which meant it was 12 AM EST I went directly to Tidal on my iPad and Apple Music on my phone to refresh and there it was Drakes double album Scorpion. His power move all of hip hops true legends have done the double disc Jay - Z “The Blueprint 2″, Tupac “All Eyez On Me” , Nas “Streets Disciple”, The Notorious B.I.G. “Life After Death” , Wu-Tang Clan “Wu-Tang Forever” Clearly the precedent was set in order to consider himself among the greats Drake felt a double disc was necessary hell even his one time nemesis Chris Brown had give us a double disc worth of content albeit in the streaming era it actually broke down to 3 albums worth of content but schematics.

I HATE WHEN DRAKE RAPS

DRAKE SINGS TOO MUCH

DRAKE IS A POP ARTIST

DRAKE DOESN’T EVEN WRITE HIS OWN SONGS

DRAKE TOOK AN L

DRAKE DIDN’T START FROM THE BOTTOM

DRAKE IS FINISHED

I LIKE DRAKE’S OLDER STUFF

DRAKE MAKES MUSIC FOR GIRLS

DRAKE THINKS HE’S JAMAICAN

DRAKE IS AN ACTOR

DRAKE CHANGED

ANBODY ELSE > DRAKE......

YEAH YEAH WE KNOW

the aforementioned excerpt comes directly from the iTunes / Apple Music page for Scorpion. Clearly Aubrey and his camp are well aware of the pundits and their feelings toward Drake and everything he represents. Having said all of that let’s talk about the music side A opens with Survival in which Drake references his previous issues with Meek Mill and Diddy “I’ve had real Philly niggas try to write my ending�� “I’ve had scuffles with Bad Boys” I’ve always said Drake’s biggest strength is being able to live in his own truth and Survival is just another track where he excels at this. The album then goes up a notch where Drake and Taykeith meet again for one of my favorite songs on the project that is still in my heavy rotation to this day “Nonstop” is as self explanatory as you can get the crazy thing is per Drake this wasn’t on the original iteration of the album it was his feud with Pusha T the month before that birthed this and other songs on the album such as the commercial standout of the album that is found on the album’s B Side “In My Feelings”. Drake told LeBron and Maverick that in the wake of his back and forth with Terrence he got back in the studio and used the energy to create these songs. Elevate the albums third song is still a skip for me but it’s the albums 4th track “Emotionless” where Drake finally decides to allow us into his personal life on a deeper level when first referencing his son Adonis “I wasn’t hiding my kid from the world, I was hiding the world from my kid” The Mariah Carey sample that 40 flipped is masterful and it serves as the perfect canvas for this moment. Emotionless is followed by the albums second single and God’s Plan which originally appeared on January’s “Scary Hours” EP. After these we get Drake’s routine hookup with Boi-1da “8 out of 10″ which features the Plies vocals from IG (word to Plies please bring back “Sweet Pwussy Satday). I would be remised if I didn’t express that this is where A Side takes a dip to me with “Mob Ties” and “Can’t Take a Joke” neither song has grown on me a year later still they don’t grab my attention. Sandra’s Rose a dedication to Drake’s mother is where the first volume picks back up for a fantastic crescendo. Finally Drake get’s to rap over a Preemo beat which he had been campaigning for since the early days of Take Care, if this is the end result I’d love to hear what other instrumentals Preme cooked up for The Boy the collaboration had been in talks since the pre production days of Take Care which is widely viewed as Drake’s opus. “Talk Up” is the next song up with a gritty Memphis 808 supplied by Three Six Mafia alum DJ Paul which also has a verse from the Brooklyn God Sir Shawn Corey of Carter aka Jay Z. Honestly listen to this song and tune the vocals out just listen to the 808 kick in the background masterful very reminiscent of early Three Six Mafia / Tear The Club Up Thugs real Memphis shit. One very important moment of note surrounding this track is Jay’s verse music now lives in real time because of the advent of the internet a verse can be recorded emailed and mixed then released in half a days time thanks to the internet. Jay recorded this verse within weeks of the release of the album and you can tell by his bar “y’all killed X let Zimmerman live, streets is done” Xxxtentacion was murdered in Florida June 18th 2018, his funeral service was June 28th 2018 the day before Scorpion was released. The first part of the album finishes with “Is There More” which features a sample of “More Than A Woman” by the late Aaliyah. On any standard Drake release this would serve as the conclusion to the album but on Scorpion it only closes out the album’s first half. Post intermission Scorpion opens with “Peak” which couldn’t be more of a 40 creation if it tried. This is Drake in his bag the Drake everyone came to know and love on So Far Gone (now available on all streaming platforms). Honestly most of the content on the B Side much like it’s A Side counterpart could’ve been left on the cutting room floor the standout from this side is definitely the Ty Dolla $ign assisted “Jaded” If you haven’t put this song on repeat and slipped into one of those moments Drake is so masterful at crafting then I question if you are even living. Finesse is another powerful moment but other songs like Ratchet Happy Birthday feel completely out of place here. The commercial standout “In My Feelings” was created out of complete happenstance if memory serves me correct and it initially wasn’t going to be a single for the album but Shiggy’s dance craze was a moment that Drake and his camp just had to capitalize on. Blue Tint is another song that feels lost on this particular side of the album not that it fits the A Side either which suggest that maybe Drake and Future leave this in the vault for “What A Time To Be Alive 2″ which is coming at some point. The other songs like “That’s How You Feel” which features tour banter from Nicki Minaj and her DJ is a great song I often wonder though would the song sound more cohesive if you removed the Nicki vocals and add a hook sung by Drake or someone else. The album eventually builds to Final Fantasy which I assume would absolutely have some sort of a reference to the Squaresoft turned Square Enix video game franchise and the March 14th in which Drake closes the album having a conversation with himself that he hopes his son will discover as he is older and understand. Though March 14th officially closes the album it is the closing of Is There More that gives us a glimpse into Drake’s future “soon as the album drop I’m outta the deal”. Many had speculated when Drake’s deal with Young Money/Cash Money would cease to exist even going as far back as If You’re Reading This It’s too Late some thinking the title was a nod to Drake’s original contract coming to an end. As of late Drake has released new music to celebrate the Toronto Raptors first NBA Championship the music is licensed to Frozen Moments LLC under exclusive license to Republic Records a division of UMG Recordings. Drake is apparently prepping another full length project which was teased for the end of 2018 by Young Money president Mack Maine. Oh yea remember earlier where I kept telling you guys how bad pillow talk was. Drake months after Scorpion was released appeared on The Shop with LeBron and Maverick and insinuated it was Kanye who told Pusha about Drake having a son. Days after the episode aired on HBO Pusha T reached out to Joe Budden of all people to appear on his podcast finally revealing that it was Drake’s producer, business partner and friend Noah “OVO 40″ (click here) who had been involved with a woman who had loose ties to people close to Pusha T. For sometime 40 had been complaining to this woman about his positioning within the business end of things and how he apparently didn’t think he was being compensated fairly. Noah also disclosed information about Drake and others flying to meet Adonis and to bring him gifts. There has been no word from Drake’s camp on these allegations or the fact that Drake offered money to people around Pusha T for information about his personal life. There was also the fact that Rap A Lot Records founder J Prince that Drake had indeed recorded a response to the story of Adidon but it would’ve potentially been damaging for Pusha T and Kanye. If hip hop history has taught us anything at some point if this is true the hard drive holding those files will come up missing and that song will leak if it in fact exists. So here we are a full year later and what have we learned well Drake is as teflon as teflon can get had any other rapper experienced what he did in the lead up to Scorpion it could’ve had long last effects. Ja Rule was one of if not the most played artist on terrestrial radio until 50 Cent started throwing jabs at him on wax next thing you know everyone was screaming G-G-G-G Unit and Ja was an afterthought. Drake weathered the storm by staying the course sticking to what he does best and and then jumping on one of the hottest songs of summer 2018 “Sicko Mode”. Pusha T came back to cause a ruckus among the OVO camp because quote “that narrative has to die, Kanye didn’t tell me anything it was 40!” Yet Drake remained unbothered he went across the nation on his Aubrey and the 3 Amigos tour squashed long standing beefs with rivals Meek Mill and Chris Brown. Patched things up with his son’s mother and came to some sort of a cordial understanding and then toured the UK. In the middle of all of this he told us he had a new album coming, gave Nick Nurse the head coach of the Toronto Raptors a shoulder massage during an NBA Playoff game. Drake partied and celebrated the Raptors title as if he suited up and played actual minutes and then took a million pics with the Larry O’Brien trophy with his friends no less. The question I pose for you will the music on Scoprion stand the test of time? Take Care still sounds as good today as it did in November of 2011. I admit I like Scorpion but I don’t love the album I have my own condensed version of the album where I’ve removed the filler songs in favor of the standouts in my opinion. I invite you all as readers to revisit Scorpion this weekend and give it a grade based on its replay value, how it holds up today and if you really love/like the album or if you were a prisoner of the moment.

#aubrey graham #drake #dizzy drake #scorpion #ovo sound #young money entertainment #cash money records #republic records #universal music group #canada #toronto

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