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amaranthhiding · 2 years

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Samwena in 13x19 Funeralia

Excuse me while I fall into another obsessive Funeralia spiral. (I swear, every single time I rewatch any scenes, this episode gets me!) Or even better yet, join me on my descent!

When Dean tells Rowena that Sam is the one who's going to kill her in every single one of her books, she is hurt. Ruth's acting is absolutely phenomenal, you can see the hurt in every little change on Rowena's face. It even goes far enough for her to have that little lip and chin tremble.

Jared's acting is just as stellar because Sam's guilt over the whole thing is tangible in the air between them. He is so torn by guilt, he can barely look at her reaction for two seconds before he has to swallow and avert his gaze.

Then Sam tries to handcuff her, and she falls back into her pattern of trying to mask her hurt with humor. She thinks she managed it by proving her superiority with that astral projection stunt. She's fleeing in a wild run because of course she wants to avoid getting captured. But I think she's partly also trying to run away from this hurt by physically distancing herself from the place it happened, and especially from the person who caused it.

Note how at this point it doesn't seem to be her plan at all to abduct Sam in any way. She's just trying to run.

Then Sam catches up to her, and she doesn’t even try to flee or fight or use magic. She’s just standing there, frozen on the spot, like she has to know the truth. She has to know if he’d actually do it, but she can’t even face him while he makes his decision.

Sam struggles, he does. There are actual tears in his eyes.

And he realizes he can’t do it. Everything inside himself screams at him not to. He lets the weapon sink.

Thinking Sam has made up his mind, Rowena finally dares to turn around to look at him in a moment of connection because she thinks it’s safe.

That’s when the promise Sam has given Dean takes over that he’d put a bullet in Rowena if she breaks bad.

After the car talk with Rowena in 13x12, Sam finally admitted how helpless he’s feeling to Dean. Sam has failed over and over again this season, and nothing would work out the way he’d intended. He got knocked out like 6 times during the last few weeks and Dean had to come save him multiple times. Sam thinks he’s the one who got Kaia killed, and that he’s the one to blame for Jack being stuck in Apocalypse World. And just one episode ago, he let Gabriel go after using the archangel’s grace to heal him. When Dean found out, he reacted with an extremely volatile outburst of frustration targeted at Sam specifically, for giving away their last hope of saving their mom and Jack. That outburst was loud enough to actually make Sam wince. All of Sam’s choices this season leading up to this point have turned out so terribly wrong that it cost people’s lives.

So Sam allows Dean’s choice to overrule his own because he has lost every shred of trust in himself and his own decisions. Sam can’t let Dean down again, he can’t.

He raises the weapon back up and pulls the trigger.

Sam can’t believe what he just did. He doesn’t want to see Rowena’s corpse slump to the ground. But the outcome he was dreading did, in fact, not happen because she stopped that bullet. Sam can’t bear to see the expression on her face and hear the slight tremble in her voice.

For Rowena, the hurt cuts even deeper than before, burning more fiercely than anything she has experienced in a long time.

Nobody was supposed to be able to hurt her like this ever again. She thought she had fortified herself against it ever since that trauma all the way back with Crowley's father who broke her heart by leaving her. She'd had no idea that Sam possessed the ability to hurt her like this, that they'd somehow grown close enough for this to be possible at all. And now the hurt just won't stop, so she short-circuits and tries to make it stop in the way her old self has done over all these centuries... by lashing out at whoever is hurting her, and making sure they can never do it again.

Naturally, the way she chooses to do this is by... putting him to sleep and transporting him into her room (How even? Levitation?) where she busies herself with lighting all the candles until Sam comes back to his senses. Then she cuts into her own palm, tears his shirt open, and presses her blood onto Sam's bare chest right over his heart. You know, as you do. Completely normal way of attacking someone. Absolutely nothing to see here.

(Also note that while the whole thing did seem to hurt Sam because he groaned in pain, no mark whatsoever is left on his skin. Not a burn. Not a scratch. She made herself bleed, but not him.) Death appears, and while Rowena is claiming that what she's doing here is killing Sam Winchester, her body language is telling the exact opposite. Throughout the entire exchange, she's threatening Billie, not Sam, with the knife. The whole thing hilariously looks like she's defending Sam against Billie! Her body is in a very clear defensive pose and she's positioned exactly in front of Sam.

Even when she finally turns her attention from Billie to Sam, supposedly to make true on her threat to kill him, it's only her head that moves to look back over her shoulder, but her arm with the knife stays aimed at Billie.

That damn knife never even gets anywhere near Sam. Then it's entirely gone in the next shot, so she must have dropped it as soon as she realized there was no way in hell she would cut into Sam's skin with it.

She’s talking softly with Sam about Crowley, but she is so confused. At this point, her emotions are boiling so high she can't handle them at all any longer, so they burst out into the open in exactly the same way they did earlier when she targeted Sam's heart, but this far more violent outburst is aimed at the target that won’t take any harm.

She doesn't understand what's happening, why she can't kill Sam to make sure she's the one in control, why she can't make the hurt stop in the way she has always done in self-preservation over all these long centuries.

Billie is the one who has to put into words what has been so glaringly obvious through the whole scene to anyone other than Rowena herself. "You were never going to kill him. There was a time you would've, but not now."

That's when Rowena caves and finally admits to everyone including herself that she has no idea what to do with all these feelings, because the only way she knows how to handle them is no longer working. She doesn't even get back to her feet to defend herself when Dean bursts into the room, instead just cowering there with quiet sobs.

Sam is the one who stops Dean with a panicked-sounding warning call. Dean was in no danger whatsoever, not from Rowena and not from Billie who clearly just stated that the Winchesters were needed. So the only possible meaning I can read into Sam's call is that he's begging Dean not to shoot Rowena.

After a scene cut, Rowena is still sitting on the floor in a position very similar to the one she's been in ever since her breakdown, with Sam and Dean sitting opposite her. She has something to drink in front of her now, though. And hilariously, we see Sam reach into the fridge like he lives there to take a bottle for himself and Dean each, so I assume he's the one who handed out the drink to Rowena as well, trying to make everyone feel better.

He goes even further than that, asking both Dean and Rowena how they are feeling and getting them to talk openly. In addition to genuinely wanting to know how these people he cares about are feeling, I think what he's doing here is ensuring the waves are smoothed over enough that this will not be a repeat of the Amy Pond situation where Dean went back to kill the "monster".

Rowena asks, "Sam, what've I done?", sounding stifled and horrified like she thinks she has ruined their relationship forever, and she still hasn’t even fully stopped crying.

This is her way of both saying sorry and carefully testing out the waters of where they're standing after all of this. He gives her a look that I can seriously only describe as soft, telling her "You had a chance to kill me and you didn't. I'd call that progress."

The wording makes even more sense considering that Dean is sitting right next to them, so Sam is making a point of putting emphasis on the fact that she isn't a lost cause, that she isn’t something they have to hunt.

Then Sam goes so far as to tell her that it wasn't her fault what happened with Crowley, even though he must realize that's blatantly false and that her way of (not) parenting clearly had a strong influence on Crowley's fate. The way Sam says it with that frowny headshake and soft voice almost gives me the impression they're talking in code, and this is his veiled "I forgive you" in reply to her veiled apology from before.

This whole exchange is insanely gentle given the fact that they both just tried to kill each other. Yes, clearly neither of them wanted to kill the other, what with those tormented expressions on their faces when it happened and Sam firing only a single bullet (which was probably his loophole way of justifying to himself that he kept his word to Dean without actually getting Rowena killed.) But still, it's remarkable how soft this conversation is after the insanity of this episode.

When Dean begins one of his motivational speeches for Rowena, Sam listens quietly, knowing he has won. He has accomplished his goal of making sure Rowena is no longer on Dean's kill list. And only after that, Sam proceeds to say the most outrageous thing possible in this situation, complimenting Rowena on her deadliness and luring the first real smile out of her still tear-streaked face. And with that one seemingly crazy comment, he cements towards her that things between them are fine and that he accepts her despite her past.

(I'm in awe of Sam's emotional intelligence.)

When Rowena asks if they think she can still be redeemed, Sam waits and lets Dean go first, even though one can basically see Sam itch to get his own reassurance out. His mouth even opens! But he has to know for sure first that Dean really has no ill will towards Rowena any longer.

And because he actually trusts her and wants to show both her and Dean that he does, he nips a potential future conflict in the bud by openly telling her the truth that Lucifer is back instead of somehow hiding that fact from her. Dean comments in a way that shows clearly he thought she was going to freak out at this piece of information, but Sam just sits there with a calm face because he trusted that she would not.

Even with everything that's at stake for Sam (they need Rowena to find Gabriel to save Mary and Jack), even after the way Gabriel let him down just one episode prior and Sam's willingness to trust in the good in people has buried them in a whole pile of problems, Sam still wants the relationship between Rowena and him to be based on open trust from here on out. So he gives her the truth about Lucifer, knowing fully well how traumatic it is for both of them.

And Rowena in turn takes that offered trust and returns it to Sam in the most outrageous way possible, finding solace in the fact that he, not Lucifer, is the one prophesied to kill her. Because Rowena is the living proof that his blind faith in the good in people was never wrong, Sam is suddenly shown to have hope and self-esteem again “You changed other people’s fates, maybe we can change yours,” after he had all but abandoned any kind of it following his interactions with Gabriel and Dean in the episode before this one. (He couldn’t even get out anything but stutters when they called Rowena at the beginning of this episode and Dean had to steal the call from him, that’s how low Sam was!)

And Rowena is so touched by still being trusted and accepted despite everything that of course she agrees to help them save their family, when at the start of the episode she had still refused because she was busy trying to save hers.

I... am not okay? Help?

#samwena #amaranthmeta #samwitch #sam x rowena #sam winchester #sam #rowena macleod #rowena #13x19 #funeralia #spn

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