#...then again might be over reacting about the price since i don't travel outside country- only like 3 but with my mom years ago

[nocturnal-birb]

me calculating all expenses if I ever push through going to australia just for a ritual

[lapeaudelamemoire]

It's too warm and I can't sleep.

Suddenly the acute bodily understanding that it would truly be so lovely - and important - to have our own bedrooms even as a couple, that you can go back into and open up your laptop and sit on it, writing this, or journalling; nights like these, when you're sleepless and the lightning is flashing outside.

Hungry and in discomfort and so I've come outside. Want to say something but my stomach is empty and my head is aching emptily and the thoughts rattle around in it, dull throb of my stomach.

Spoke to a friend the other night about how I feel like I haven't been able to want for all the years since I've been here, but tonight suddenly the understanding comes upon me that it's not just that, it's also that I don't get to go at my own pace.

The weekend's over and there's something else due for school again tomorrow; and small though it is, it still feels like an inescapable encroachment, the dead dread that deadens me sitting heavy on my chest like that Perishers song Trouble Sleeping.

If I had it my way, I'd take some g-ddamn time off. Not just this empty break on time paid up for to be here.

Did you know that a permanent residence visa in this godsdamned colony doesn't allow you to travel freely? You can get a "permanent resident" visa, but the privilege of travelling freely in and out of the country has to be bought every five years, and thus applied for as a "former resident visa" for the option. You're free to stay, but stay locked here then. $4500 AUD every five years for a new "permanent resident" visa that will allow you to come and go as you wish or need, or rather it's the travel permit you're buying. So each time you decide again that you might want to continue being able to leave the country and come back, you become a "former resident" having to apply for a new travel permit. Don't see your family or where you might have come from after five years if you can't pay.

Saw a post some time ago about the news of the policy for international students to bring family into the UK being updated the other day, with someone commenting with the implication that international students wouldn't be able to bring their parents in for their graduation according to the new rules, and someone else saying that they had never felt s dehumanised as when applying for a UK visa. That's no surprise to me, after my own experience of being detained and interrogated with threat of deportation when entering England at London.

I don't want to start work for no pay in a month. In this economy? If it were up to me, I'd fuck off back home or take a proper break for some time before returning to work when I feel ready. And in my line of work, that should be really fucking important. But here are organisations hiring soon-to-be psychologists, to do psychological work without pay, for a full year. And they say they care about mental health; that we're supposed to be providers of mental health care.

I don't get to be in control. Only accept and react, or respond accordingly. Hard to keep a sense of agency, little wonder. So there's nothing to do about it but talk about it, and try not to get crushed. It's a limited life, truly; and yeah you're free to move, but free to move under this large slab of rock pressing on your chest. Sure.

I don't know what I can promise myself. Eyes getting blurry from fatigue behind my eyes. You do what you have to do, and if you can't pay the price, well then, you're out, bad luck. I don't know how to recoup from this; never truly free. Do or die or just keep doing until you die anyway.

[justkpopstuffinmyhead]

Lay - I’ll wait for you to come back. Forever ♥

Member: Exo’s Lay

Pairing: Idol!Lay & You

Genre: Bit of angst with a bit of fluff.

Words: 1,852

Summary: Relationships are made out of two people and if one is never there, the other one sometimes breaks. You selfishly left but made your decision without your loving boyfriend.

“I promise. It will be better next year” he said. That was a year ago and now you're sitting here, in the apartment you and your loving boyfriend share. He's the cutest person you're ever met and a gentleman inside and outside. Not only that but he was also deadly handsome. You remember the day the two of you met.

“Where do I have to go?!” You whispered to yourself. You had your phone in your hand but the directions it gave you seemed to be wrong. “Turn left” it said and without looking up you turned to your left and walked straight into a person. “I'm sorry!” You said, looking up. This is your first time in the US. You were on a holiday trip with your best friends and they decided to go to the spa today and since you didn't want to waste your time, you decided to go through the streets of New York alone. You met warm, brown eyes. “It's okay” he said. You were sure it's a man. He might have been wearing a facemask, but his voice was swoon worthy. You could also hear an accent but you couldn't really make out where it was be from. “Is everything alright?” His words sounded a little shaky, like he wasn't sure if they even made sense. He looked a little Asian, with his lovely almond-shaped eyes. “Yeah. I'm just looking for my hotel.” You sighted, rubbing your forehead. The stranger took your phone before you could react and quickly looked at the address. He took his facemask off and you could see his lovely dimple, although he wasn't smiling. “I'm going there too. You could go with me.” He said. “I'm Lay by the way.” He said, held out his hand. As you took it he bowed to your surprise. “I'm Y/N” you smiled. After that he brought you to your hotel where he met his friends. You later found out that he was part of a famous Korean-Chinese-Pop-Band named Exo. You two exchanged numbers and came close and closer. After about 3 month he had a concert in your country and organized backstage tickets for you. The two of you had been flirting all the time ever since you met but hadn’t said a word about where this would be going. On the night of the concert you decided that you would try dating. You moved into his house in China, where he was currently working. You knew that there would be a lot of traveling involved, but had no problem with this. That's what you thought.

 That special day was 2 years ago. After a hard last year he promised you that this one would get better. “I promise baobei. I'll work less this time.” It's July now and you've seen him a total of 15 days this year and even those days were stressful. Tears are making your vision blurry as you pack your bags. He will come home today and leave the same evening to go to an interview. You didn't want to leave without telling him personally, so you waited for him to return. It's selfish to do that right before an interview, but you can't continue to live like this. You've told him countless times that this entire situation eats you away and that you hurt a lot. He tried to make it easier for you, sent you presents and flowers, but they just cannot replace him. “Baobei I'm home!” you hear him calling. You quickly wipe your tears away and close your suitcase. That's the last one. The rest is already waiting in a hotel room. “Baob.” He sees you with the suitcase and your red rimmed eyes. He has a bouquet of red flowers in his hand. You can see the wheels in his head working. “Are you traveling?” He asks and you nearly have to smile. He's just the cutest, but your heart hurts too much. “I'm leaving you Yixing.” You whisper and he looks at you in shock. The flowers are on the floor and he quickly walks towards you. “N-no Y/N. You can't. We can't I thought. . ” He can't even form a complete sentence. “I thought we were happy” He looked you in the eye, tears forming and quietly rolling over his perfect cheeks. “I told you that I can't do this any longer. You promised that it would get better this year. But I just see you less and less. This is not a relationship.” “But the flowers.” He's helpless. His face is pale and scared. “They can't replace you.” You carefully brush away the tears. “It's for both of us. You have to focus on your career and I can't do this anymore.” You smile a sad smile. “I can't do this without you” He takes you hand and holds onto if like he was drowning and you were pulling him to the surface. “You can.  I know you can. Maybe we'll find each other again one day.” It was an empty promise you knew that, but you wanted to ease his pain. “I'll wait for you. Forever.” He says, not letting go of your hand. “Don't. You'll find an actress or a singer somewhere and you two will be perfect together.” You kiss his hand and take your suitcase. “Let me carry that for you!” he says, trying to take your suitcase. He's just the perfect gentleman. You just broke his heart, but all he thinks about is how he can help you. “No Yix- Lay.” You say and see him flinch. He told you early on that he wanted you to call him by his real name. He might be used to being called Lay, but he wanted to be called by his real name by the person he loves. “Don't” he whispers helplessly, but you're already on your way out, closing the door behind you

 ~3 Months Later~

It's been three month since you left your boyfriend and the entire time hasn't been easy. You found a small, relatively cheap apartment. At first you couldn't find an apartment and when you met your landlord you told him about your situation and he said that he would give the apartment to you at a lower price until you found a good paying job and got used to living alone. The first week has been the worst. You regretted it a lot and the boys didn't stop calling you. All 12 of them. Well. 11. You loving boyfriend only called you sometimes and sent you a few texts and pictures. It was often stuff like:

“I know you don't want me to bother you but I saw this and had to think of you. I miss you. Please come back.” and a picture of a cat or something else you like. You cried a lot at that time and didn't really leave the hotel room.

But it's different now. You still cry a lot and prefer to be alone, but you found a relatively good job at an international company. You write letters and E-Mails for them in English and take care of the English, American and Australian market together with two colleagues. You've seen Lay a few times on TV and on the internet since you two broke up. He looks thinner and tired. In general he doesn't look like the man you love anymore. He has dark circles under his eyes and doesn't smile anymore. One of you colleagues – Juliette – actually loves Exo. And your Ex is her bias. You haven't told her and just listen to her rambling about him. One morning- after you received more messages than usual from the members and your lay over night, she enters the office and sits down, sighing. “What happened?” You ask, not really in the mood to talk, but you just can't ignore her. “This happened!” she hands over her phone and you look at it. “Exo's Lay Drunk?” “Exo's Lay- Drinking Problem?” and a picture of him, stumbling out of the club with Chanyeol and Suho on his sides, as the other members keep the paparazzi away. You gasp and look at your phone. “That's why.” you murmur to yourself and hand the phone back to your friend. You both start working, but your mind is occupied. At around 11 am you hear noise outside. “You can't go in there they are wo-.” The office door opens and 12 well-known faces enter the room. You former boyfriend looks at you and his sad eyes immediately light up. 'Wait. You ask yourself ‘He shouldn't look like this if he was drunk. Your colleague screams and hits your shoulder excitedly. Lay immediately steps forward and gently grabs her wrist so she stops hitting you. He never liked it if people hit you, even if it was just jokingly. “Have you seen. . .” he whispers and you nod. Juliette is still shocked but keeps quiet. “I wasn't. I swear. I only drank water. You know I don't drink.” He looks at you pleadingly. “Lay you're not my boyfriend anymore. You can do whatever you want.” You say, trying to smile convincingly but failing miserably. “It would have been our 2nd anniversary yesterday. And the boys tried to distract me but then we arrived at the club and there was this couple and he proposed.” Lays voice is small and insecure „and they reminded me of us so much. I wanted to propose to you. I wanted to later have a family with you and marry you.” He looks at you and is now nearly crying. “So I started crying at the club and everything got dizzy and the boys had to help me get outside. I just wanted you to know that I don't drink. I don't want you to think badly of Me.” he whispers and the other boys look at me. “I'd never think badly of you Lay.” You try to stay hard and not to cry. Seeing him like this hurts you a lot. You still love him and you'll probably never stop. “I talked to my manager.” He looks at you and you return his gaze, confused. “Please come back. He said that I could take you with me as often as you want to and that I would be able to stay home more often.” He looks at you, begging. “Yixing. I have a life now. I'm working. I can't quit.” He nods and looks at the floor, disappointed. “You could work from home” Juliette chimes. “And Yixing looks at you, hope filling his eyes “Please.” He begs and you hear Sehun say “please Y/N. Come back to us. Lay-Hyung has been really sad” but Kai quickly covers his mouth. You take a deep breath and look into his loving eyes. “O-Okay we'll try. But if this doesn't work I'm lea-” You can't finish your sentence because Yixing swoops you into his arms and kisses you passionately. Your two Co-workers applaud and the Exo boys cheer loudly. “Thank you” he whispers and kisses you again.