#...somewhere near grenoble maybe...

[marietheran-archived]

no, but I really am ultimately a mountain girl at heart

[sturlsons]

had you gone to some other place other than france, would u still be happier at this point in time? im so :/in my current situation it seems likr no matter where i go, this is it. for the past few years this is all i have known and this fear results in self sabotaging i really really want to believe in the possibility of joy but its hard not to look at myself and think if all these other assholes fit in with each other and no matter how shitty still have someone, then maybe its really me.

you know, for a long time i used to think that france was it and that had i gone anywhere else, had i even gone to a different city in france, i wouldn’t be this happy. in a way, it still applies: through sheer coincidence, i met a handful of people in grenoble three years ago who entirely turned my life around. so we can say that my life wouldn’t be anywhere near how it is today if not for france.

but happiness? nah, i learned to separate those two. just because the current state of my life is happy and that was the change brought about by my physical location, it still doesn’t mean that i wouldn’t have had a change elsewhere, that also led to happiness. 

happiness and love are everywhere anon, so you don’t need to find them. you just have to grow them! it’s like i said to another anon a while ago: “find out if you’re the problem, or one of the problems. you might be. (i sure was.) you don’t find people that love you, you raise people that love you. no one’s born into this world magically loving another person. once in a while you’ll meet someone who falls in love with you the moment they see you, but it’s still later that they’ll love you. every soul you meet is a soul at point zero in your story, and as you live with them, you’ll raise that soul into a being that loves you. it’s a choice they’ll make, and you’ll make; every relationship in the beginning has as much of a possibility to end up in love as it does of ending up in hate or apathy. schrödinger’s goodwill. even if there are people who won’t love you no matter what, you’ll never know if you don’t stay honest and give it as much as you’re willing to give it.”

love is everywhere. one of my biggest mistakes was thinking of soulmates as something the universe decides for you. you meet them and you’re like, ah, it was you. and i’ve always been stubborn as shit about changing my emotional way of thinking despite how progressive i am intellectually - so once i declared someone my soulmate, i wanted to hang onto it. then - disaster. we’d be separated, or we’d fight, or we’d fade out, or - the worst - i’d meet someone else who felt even more like a soulmate and now how am i going to tell my first soulmate that i think there’s been a mistake? man, 18yo teesta had some drama.

the thing is though? that’s exactly it. there’s not just one soulmate, one person who’s perfect for you No Matter How Shitty You Are, no one is born into this world loving you. you grow soulmates. EVERYONE can be a soulmate. i’d know, i have like ten. you choose. a soulmate, a person you want to spend your life with in whatever context, someone you want to keep around in some way or another - mentor, friend, rival, sister, lover - soulmates aren’t about fate, soulmates are about choice. meeting them is coincidence and keeping them is a choice. one that you make again and again, one that they make too, saying i didn’t know when i met you that you would one day be one of my incarnations of god, but i wake up every day and i want to worship you. I MEAN THAT’S JUST MY WAY OF PHRASING IT OFC BUT IF UR IN MY INBOX THEN U ALREADY KNOW HOW DRAMATIC I AM

you know, i hate that pastel filter shit about Just Be Happy and all, but one of those posters really makes sense. like the one where there’s this one person with a giant jar of happiness and the other one asks where they got it and they’re like, i made my own. man please learn that anon, you have no fucking idea in alien BALLS how real that is and how much it all depends on the choices you make and are brave enough to make and are brave enough to not make. and the first choice i want you to make? stop sabotaging yourself. i’ve been doing it for years too - deliberately ruining something before it disappoints me, so that i get to have the last word, because the feeling of being left out in the open one too many times has terrified me forever and i can’t stand being left. so i’ll do the leaving - or better yet, there’ll be no taking. why go for something when you know your shitty as doesn’t deserve it, right? wrong. 

listen anon. literally - literally - 3 weeks ago i was saying the same things to myself that you’re telling yourself. and then one of my friends yelled at me, teesta i’m so sick of your bullshit, like i’m so tired, fucking love yourself bitch, you DESERVE the love you DESERVE the happin - god, i’m so annoyed right now. i saved that voicenote and listened to it at least once a day and then one day i woke up and took it to heart. 

so here’s your voicenote anon. fucking love yourself bitch. you deserve the love, you deserve the happiness, so stop throwing the seeds of those flowers away on the way back from the store because you’re so sure they’ll never grow. schrödinger’s seeds - right now you don’t know whether they’re good or bad. so what, just because of your fear of them ending up bad you won’t even try to grow them anymore? then why haven’t you adjusted to the sight of an empty garden yet.

if you want to see a full garden that means you still have hope somewhere. and you know, human beings are the worst, because hope just never fucking dies. it’s like i wrote once in a story, hope’s a fucking phoenix man. you kill it with fire? surprise motherfucker it’s back! harder faster better stronger. 

so stop trying to kill it. let it speak. and hold on to it. the ride might hurt like hell but it’ll take you where you should be.