#...enough to vocalize it! it's pure! it's good! it's self-appreciation! and i feel the EXACT same way...

[uncanny-tranny]

If cis people are allowed to love their bodies and be "conceited" without it being a commentary on their existence, so can trans people.

I am allowed to love my body. I am allowed to love the parts of me that make me feel good about me. Just like some cis men, I like my body hair. I like my voice more. I like having a flat chest when I bind. I like when I feel good packing. It is literally me loving a body that I have so often felt alienated and isolated by and from. My body is a good body. My body is a trans body. And trans bodies are good bodies.

[path-of-my-childhood]

Taylor Swift: ‘I was literally about to break’

By: Laura Snapes for The Guardian Date: August 24th 2019

Taylor Swift’s Nashville apartment is an Etsy fever dream, a 365-days-a-year Christmas shop, pure teenage girl id. You enter through a vestibule clad in blue velvet and covered in gilt frames bursting with fake flowers. The ceiling is painted like the night sky. Above a koi pond in the living area, a narrow staircase spirals six feet up towards a giant, pillow-lagged birdcage that probably has the best view in the city. Later, Swift will tell me she needs metaphors “to understand anything that happens to me”, and the birdcage defies you not to interpret it as a pointed comment on the contradictions of stardom.

Swift, wearing pale jeans and dip-dyed shirt, her sandy hair tied in a blue scrunchie, leads the way up the staircase to show me the view. The decor hasn’t changed since she bought this place in 2009, when she was 19. “All of these high rises are new since then,” she says, gesturing at the squat glass structures and cranes. Meanwhile her oven is still covered in stickers, more teenage diary than adult appliance.

Now 29, she has spent much of the past three years living quietly in London with her boyfriend, actor Joe Alwyn, making the penthouse a kind of time capsule, a monument to youthful naivety given an unlimited budget – the years when she sang about Romeo and Juliet and wore ballgowns to awards shows; before she moved to New York and honed her slick, self-mythologising pop.

It is mid-August. This is Swift’s first UK interview in more than three years, and she seems nervous: neither presidential nor goofy (her usual defaults), but quick with a tongue-out “ugh” of regret or frustration as she picks at her glittery purple nails. We climb down from the birdcage to sit by the pond, and when the conversation turns to 2016, the year the wheels came off for her, Swift stiffens as if driving over a mile of speed bumps. After a series of bruising public spats (with Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj) in 2015, there was a high-profile standoff with Kanye West. The news that she was in a relationship with actor Tom Hiddleston, which leaked soon after, was widely dismissed as a diversionary tactic. Meanwhile, Swift went to court to prosecute a sexual assault claim, and faced a furious backlash when she failed to endorse a candidate in the 2016 presidential election, allowing the alt-right to adopt her as their “Aryan princess”.

Her critics assumed she cared only about the bottom line. The reality, Swift says, is that she was totally broken. “Every domino fell,” she says bitterly. “It became really terrifying for anyone to even know where I was. And I felt completely incapable of doing or saying anything publicly, at all. Even about my music. I always said I wouldn’t talk about what was happening personally, because that was a personal time.” She won’t get into specifics. “I just need some things that are mine,” she despairs. “Just some things.”

A year later, in 2017, Swift released her album Reputation, half high-camp heel turn, drawing on hip-hop and vaudeville (the brilliantly hammy Look What You Made Me Do), half stunned appreciation that her nascent relationship with Alwyn had weathered the storm (the soft, sensual pop of songs Delicate and Dress).

Her new album, Lover, her seventh, was released yesterday. It’s much lighter than Reputation: Swift likens writing it to feeling like “I could take a full deep breath again”. Much of it is about Alwyn: the Galway Girl-ish track London Boy lists their favourite city haunts and her newfound appreciation of watching rugby in the pub with his uni mates; on the ruminative Afterglow, she asks him to forgive her anxious tendency to assume the worst.

While she has always written about relationships, they were either teenage fantasy or a postmortem on a high-profile breakup, with exes such as Jake Gyllenhaal and Harry Styles. But she and Alwyn have seldom been pictured together, and their relationship is the only other thing she won’t talk about. “I’ve learned that if I do, people think it’s up for discussion, and our relationship isn’t up for discussion,” she says, laughing after I attempt a stealthy angle. “If you and I were having a glass of wine right now, we’d be talking about it – but it’s just that it goes out into the world. That’s where the boundary is, and that’s where my life has become manageable. I really want to keep it feeling manageable.”

Instead, she has swapped personal disclosure for activism. Last August, Swift broke her political silence to endorse Democratic Tennessee candidate Phil Bredesen in the November 2018 senate race. Vote.org reported an unprecedented spike in voting registration after Swift’s Instagram post, while Donald Trump responded that he liked her music “about 25% less now”.

Meanwhile, her recent single You Need To Calm Down admonished homophobes and namechecked US LGBTQ rights organisation Glaad (which then saw increased donations). Swift filled her video with cameos from queer stars such as Ellen DeGeneres and Queen singer Adam Lambert, and capped it with a call to sign her petition in support of the Equality Act, which if passed would prohibit gender- and sexuality-based discrimination in the US. A video of Polish LGBTQ fans miming the track in defiance of their government’s homophobic agenda went viral. But Swift was accused of “queerbaiting” and bandwagon-jumping. You can see how she might find it hard to work out what, exactly, people want from her.

***

It was girlhood that made Swift a multimillionaire. When country music’s gatekeepers swore that housewives were the only women interested in the genre, she proved them wrong. Her self-titled debut marked the longest stay on the Billboard 200 by any album released in the decade. A potentially cloying image – corkscrew curls, lyrics thick on “daddy” and down-home values – were undercut by the fact she was evidently, endearingly, a bit of a freak, an unusual combination of intensity and artlessness. Also, she was really, really good at what she did, and not just for a teenager: her entirely self-written third album, 2010’s Speak Now, is unmatched in its devastatingly withering dismissals of awful men.

As a teenager, Swift was obsessed with VH1’s Behind The Music, the series devoted to the rise and fall of great musicians. She would forensically rewatch episodes, trying to pinpoint the moment a career went wrong. I ask her to imagine she’s watching the episode about herself and do the same thing: where was her misstep? “Oh my God,” she says, drawing a deep breath and letting her lips vibrate as she exhales. “I mean, that’s so depressing!” She thinks back and tries to deflect. “What I remember is that [the show] was always like, ‘Then we started fighting in the tour bus and then the drummer quit and the guitarist was like, “You’re not paying me enough.”’’’

But that’s not what she used to say. In interviews into her early 20s, Swift often observed that an artist fails when they lose their self-awareness, as if repeating the fact would work like an insurance against succumbing to the same fate. But did she make that mistake herself? She squeezes her nose and blows to clear a ringing in her ears before answering. “I definitely think that sometimes you don’t realise how you’re being perceived,” she says. “Pop music can feel like it’s The Hunger Games, and like we’re gladiators. And you can really lose focus of the fact that that’s how it feels because that’s how a lot of stan [fan] Twitter and tabloids and blogs make it seem – the overanalysing of everything makes it feel really intense.”

She describes the way she burned bridges in 2016 as a kind of obliviousness. “I didn’t realise it was like a classic overthrow of someone in power – where you didn’t realise the whispers behind your back, you didn’t realise the chain reaction of events that was going to make everything fall apart at the exact, perfect time for it to fall apart.”

Here’s that chain reaction in full. With her 2014 album 1989 (the year she was born), Swift transcended country stardom, becoming as ubiquitous as Beyoncé. For the first time she vocally embraced feminism, something she had rejected in her teens; but, after a while, it seemed to amount to not much more than a lot of pictures of her hanging out with her “squad”, a bevy of supermodels, musicians and Lena Dunham. The squad very much did not include her former friend Katy Perry, whom Swift targeted in her song Bad Blood, as part of what seemed like a painfully overblown dispute about some backing dancers. Then, when Nicki Minaj tweeted that MTV’s 2015 Video Music awards had rewarded white women at the expense of women of colour, multiple-nominee Swift took it personally, responding: “Maybe one of the men took your slot.” For someone prone to talking about the haters, she quickly became her own worst enemy.

Her old adversary Kanye West resurfaced in February 2016. In 2009, West had invaded Swift’s stage at the MTV VMAs to protest against her victory over Beyoncé in the female video of the year category. It remains the peak of interest in Swift on Google Trends, and the conflict between them has become such a cornerstone of celebrity journalism that it’s hard to remember it lay dormant for nearly seven years – until West released his song Famous. “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex,” he rapped. “Why? I made that bitch famous.” The video depicted a Swift mannequin naked in bed with men including Trump.

Swift loudly condemned both; although she had discussed the track with West, she said she had never agreed to the “bitch” lyric or the video. West’s wife, Kim Kardashian, released a heavily edited clip that showed Swift at least agreeing to the “sex” line on the phone with West, if not the “bitch” part. Swift pleaded the technicality, but it made no difference: when Kardashian went on Twitter to describe her as a snake, the comparison stuck and the singer found herself very publicly “cancelled” – the incident taken as “proof” of Swift’s insincerity. So she went away.

Swift says she stopped trying to explain herself, even though she “definitely” could have. As she worked on Reputation, she was also writing “a think-piece a day that I knew I would never publish: the stuff I would say, and the different facets of the situation that nobody knew”. If she could exonerate herself, why didn’t she? She leans forward. “Here’s why,” she says conspiratorially. “Because when people are in a hate frenzy and they find something to mutually hate together, it bonds them. And anything you say is in an echo chamber of mockery.”

She compares that year to being hit by a tidal wave. “You can either stand there and let the wave crash into you, and you can try as hard as you can to fight something that’s more powerful and bigger than you,” she says. “Or you can dive under the water, hold your breath, wait for it to pass and while you’re down there, try to learn something. Why was I in that part of the ocean? There were clearly signs that said: Rip tide! Undertow! Don’t swim! There are no lifeguards!” She’s on a roll. “Why was I there? Why was I trusting people I trusted? Why was I letting people into my life the way I was letting them in? What was I doing that caused this?”

After the incident with Minaj, her critics started pointing out a narrative of “white victimhood” in Swift’s career. Speaking slowly and carefully, she says she came to understand “a lot about how my privilege allowed me to not have to learn about white privilege. I didn’t know about it as a kid, and that is privilege itself, you know? And that’s something that I’m still trying to educate myself on every day. How can I see where people are coming from, and understand the pain that comes with the history of our world?”

She also accepts some responsibility for her overexposure, and for some of the tabloid drama. If she didn’t wish a friend happy birthday on Instagram, there would be reports about severed friendships, even if they had celebrated together. “Because we didn’t post about it, it didn’t happen – and I realised I had done that,” she says. “I created an expectation that everything in my life that happened, people would see.”

But she also says she couldn’t win. “I’m kinda used to being gaslit by now,” she drawls wearily. “And I think it happens to women so often that, as we get older and see how the world works, we’re able to see through what is gaslighting. So I’m able to look at 1989 and go – KITTIES!” She breaks off as an assistant walks in with Swift’s three beloved cats, stars of her Instagram feed, back from the vet before they fly to England this week. Benjamin, Olivia and Meredith haughtily circle our feet (they are scared of the koi) as Swift resumes her train of thought, back to the release of 1989 and the subsequent fallout. “Oh my God, they were mad at me for smiling a lot and quote-unquote acting fake. And then they were mad at me that I was upset and bitter and kicking back.” The rules kept changing.

***

Swift’s new album comes with printed excerpts from her diaries. On 29 August 2016, she wrote in her girlish, bubble writing: “This summer is the apocalypse.” As the incident with West and Kardashian unfolded, she was preparing for her court case against radio DJ David Mueller, who was fired in 2013 after Swift reported him for putting his hand up her dress at a meet-and–greet event. He sued her for defamation; she countersued for sexual assault.

“Having dealt with a few of them, narcissists basically subscribe to a belief system that they should be able to do and say whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want to,” Swift says now, talking at full pelt. “And if we – as anyone else in the world, but specifically women – react to that, well, we’re not allowed to. We’re not allowed to have a reaction to their actions.”

In summer 2016 she was in legal depositions, practising her testimony. “You’re supposed to be really polite to everyone,” she says. But by the time she got to court in August 2017, “something snapped, I think”. She laughs. Her testimony was sharp and uncompromising. She refused to allow Mueller’s lawyers to blame her or her security guards; when asked if she could see the incident, Swift said no, because “my ass is in the back of my body”. It was a brilliant, rude defence.

“You’re supposed to behave yourself in court and say ‘rear end’,” she says with mock politesse. “The other lawyer was saying, ‘When did he touch your backside?’ And I was like, ‘ASS! Call it what it is!’” She claps between each word. But despite the acclaim for her testimony and eventual victory (she asked for one symbolic dollar), she still felt belittled. It was two months prior to the beginning of the #MeToo movement. “Even this case was literally twisted so hard that people were calling it the ‘butt-grab case’. They were saying I sued him because there’s this narrative that I want to sue everyone. That was one of the reasons why the summer was the apocalypse.”

She never wanted the assault to be made public. Have there been other instances she has dealt with privately? “Actually, no,” she says soberly. “I’m really lucky that it hadn’t happened to me before. But that was one of the reasons it was so traumatising. I just didn’t know that could happen. It was really brazen, in front of seven people.” She has since had security cameras installed at every meet-and-greet she does, deliberately pointed at her lower half. “If something happens again, we can prove it with video footage from every angle,” she says.

The allegations about Harvey Weinstein came out soon after she won her case. The film producer had asked her to write a song for the romantic comedy One Chance, which earned her second Golden Globe nomination. Weinstein also got her a supporting role in the 2014 sci-fi movie The Giver, and attended the launch party for 1989. But she says they were never alone together.

“He’d call my management and be like, ‘Does she have a song for this film?’ And I’d be like, ‘Here it is,’” she says dispassionately. “And then I’d be at the Golden Globes. I absolutely never hung out. And I would get a vibe – I would never vouch for him. I believe women who come forward, I believe victims who come forward, I believe men who come forward.” Swift inhales, flustered. She says Weinstein never propositioned her. “If you listen to the stories, he picked people who were vulnerable, in his opinion. It seemed like it was a power thing. So, to me, that doesn’t say anything – that I wasn’t in that situation.”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump was more than nine months into his presidency, and still Swift had not taken a position. But the idea that a pop star could ever have impeded his path to the White House seemed increasingly naive. In hindsight, the demand that Swift speak up looks less about politics and more about her identity (white, rich, powerful) and a moralistic need for her to redeem herself – as if nobody else had ever acted on a vindictive instinct, or blundered publicly.

But she resisted what might have been an easy return to public favour. Although Reputation contained softer love songs, it was better known for its brittle, vengeful side (see This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things). She describes that side of the album now as a “bit of a persona”, and its hip-hop-influenced production as “a complete defence mechanism”. Personally, I thought she had never been more relatable, trashing the contract of pious relatability that traps young women in the public eye.

***

It was the assault trial, and watching the rights of LGBTQ friends be eroded, that finally politicised her, Swift says. “The things that happen to you in your life are what develop your political opinions. I was living in this Obama eight-year paradise of, you go, you cast your vote, the person you vote for wins, everyone’s happy!” she says. “This whole thing, the last three, four years, it completely blindsided a lot of us, me included.”

She recently said she was “dismayed” when a friend pointed out that her position on gay rights wasn’t obvious (what if she had a gay son, he asked), hence this summer’s course correction with the single You Need To Calm Down (“You’re comin’ at my friends like a missile/Why are you mad?/When you could be GLAAD?”). Didn’t she feel equally dismayed that her politics weren’t clear? “I did,” she insists, “and I hate to admit this, but I felt that I wasn’t educated enough on it. Because I hadn’t actively tried to learn about politics in a way that I felt was necessary for me, making statements that go out to hundreds of millions of people.”

She explains her inner conflict. “I come from country music. The number one thing they absolutely drill into you as a country artist, and you can ask any other country artist this, is ‘Don’t be like the Dixie Chicks!’” In 2003, the Texan country trio denounced the Iraq war, saying they were “ashamed” to share a home state with George W Bush. There was a boycott, and an event where a bulldozer crushed their CDs. “I watched country music snuff that candle out. The most amazing group we had, just because they talked about politics. And they were getting death threats. They were made such an example that basically every country artist that came after that, every label tells you, ‘Just do not get involved, no matter what.’

“And then, you know, if there was a time for me to get involved…” Swift pauses. “The worst part of the timing of what happened in 2016 was I felt completely voiceless. I just felt like, oh God, who would want me? Honestly.” She would otherwise have endorsed Hillary Clinton? “Of course,” she says sincerely. “I just felt completely, ugh, just useless. And maybe even like a hindrance.”

I suggest that, thinking selfishly, her coming out for Clinton might have made people like her. “I wasn’t thinking like that,” she stresses. “I was just trying to protect my mental health – not read the news very much, go cast my vote, tell people to vote. I just knew what I could handle and I knew what I couldn’t. I was literally about to break. For a while.” Did she seek therapy? “That stuff I just really wanna keep personal, if that’s OK,” she says.

She resists blaming anyone else for her political silence. Her emergence as a Democrat came after she left Big Machine, the label she signed to at 15. (They are now at loggerheads after label head Scott Borchetta sold the company, and the rights to Swift’s first six albums, to Kanye West’s manager, Scooter Braun.) Had Borchetta ever advised her against speaking out? She exhales. “It was just me and my life, and also doing a lot of self-reflection about how I did feel really remorseful for not saying anything. I wanted to try and help in any way that I could, the next time I got a chance. I didn’t help, I didn’t feel capable of it – and as soon as I can, I’m going to.”

Swift was once known for throwing extravagant 4 July parties at her Rhode Island mansion. The Instagram posts from these star-studded events – at which guests wore matching stars-and-stripes bikinis and onesies – probably supported a significant chunk of the celebrity news industry GDP. But in 2017, they stopped. “The horror!” wrote Cosmopolitan, citing “reasons that remain a mystery” for their disappearance. It wasn’t “squad” strife or the unavailability of matching cozzies that brought the parties to an end, but Swift’s disillusionment with her country, she says.

There is a smart song about this on the new album – the track that should have been the first single, instead of the cartoonish ME!. Miss Americana And The Heartbreak Prince is a forlorn, gothic ballad in the vein of Lana Del Rey that uses high-school imagery to dismantle American nationalism: “The whole school is rolling fake dice/You play stupid games/You win stupid prizes,” she sings with disdain. “Boys will be boys then/Where are the wise men?”

As an ambitious 11-year-old, she worked out that singing the national anthem at sports games was the quickest way to get in front of a large audience. When did she start feeling conflicted about what America stands for? She gives another emphatic ugh. “It was the fact that all the dirtiest tricks in the book were used and it worked,” she says. “The thing I can’t get over right now is gaslighting the American public into being like” – she adopts a sanctimonious tone – “‘If you hate the president, you hate America.’ We’re a democracy – at least, we’re supposed to be – where you’re allowed to disagree, dissent, debate.” She doesn’t use Trump’s name. “I really think that he thinks this is an autocracy.”

As we speak, Tennessee lawmakers are trying to impose a near-total ban on abortion. Swift has staunchly defended her “Tennessee values” in recent months. What’s her position? “I mean, obviously, I’m pro-choice, and I just can’t believe this is happening,” she says. She looks close to tears. “I can’t believe we’re here. It’s really shocking and awful. And I just wanna do everything I can for 2020. I wanna figure out exactly how I can help, what are the most effective ways to help. ’Cause this is just…” She sighs again. “This is not it.”

***

It is easy to forget that the point of all this is that a teenage Taylor Swiftwanted to write love songs. Nemeses and negativity are now so entrenched in her public persona that it’s hard to know how she can get back to that, though she seems to want to. At the end of Daylight, the new album’s dreamy final song, there’s a spoken-word section: “I want to be defined by the things that I love,” she says as the music fades. “Not the things that I hate, not the things I’m afraid of, the things that haunt me in the middle of the night.” As well as the songs written for Alwyn, there is one for her mother, who recently experienced a cancer relapse: “You make the best of a bad deal/I just pretend it isn’t real,” Swift sings, backed by the Dixie Chicks.

How does writing about her personal life work if she’s setting clearer boundaries? “It actually made me feel more free,” she says. “I’ve always had this habit of never really going into detail about exactly what situation inspired what thing, but even more so now.” This is only half true: in the past, Swift wasn’t shy of a level of detail that invited fans to figure out specific truths about her relationships. And when I tell her that Lover feels a more emotionally guarded album, she bristles. “I know the difference between making art and living your life like a reality star,” she says. “And then even if it’s hard for other people to grasp, my definition is really clear.”

Even so, Swift begins Lover by addressing an adversary, opening with a song called I Forgot That You Existed (“it isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference”), presumably aimed at Kanye West, a track that slightly defeats its premise by existing. But it sweeps aside old dramas to confront Swift’s real nemesis, herself. “I never grew up/It’s getting so old,” she laments on The Archer.

She has had to learn not to pre-empt disaster, nor to run from it. Her life has been defined by relationships, friendships and business relationships that started and ended very publicly (though she and Perry are friends again). At the same time, the rules around celebrity engagement have evolved beyond recognition in her 15 years of fame. Rather than trying to adapt to them, she’s now asking herself: “How do you learn to maintain? How do you learn not to have these phantom disasters in your head that you play out, and how do you stop yourself from sabotage – because the panic mechanism in your brain is telling you that something must go wrong.” For her, this is what growing up is. “You can’t just make cut-and-dry decisions in life. A lot of things are a negotiation and a grey area and a dance of how to figure it out.”

And so this time, Swift is sticking around. In December she will turn 30, marking the point after which more than half her life will have been lived in public. She’ll start her new decade with a stronger self-preservationist streak, and a looser grip (as well as a cameo in Cats). “You can’t micromanage life, it turns out,” she says, drily.

When Swift finally answered my question about the moment she would choose in the VH1 Behind The Music episode about herself, the one where her career turned, she said she hoped it wouldn’t focus on her “apocalypse” summer of 2016. “Maybe this is wishful thinking,” she said, “but I’d like to think it would be in a couple of years.” It’s funny to hear her hope that the worst is still to come while sitting in her fairytale living room, the cats pacing: a pragmatist at odds with her romantic monument to teenage dreams. But it sounds something like perspective.

[damnnjoon]

100 reasons to love Jeno

he’s allergic to cats but his family has 3 (bongsik, seol, lal) and he loves them dearly

he’s obsessed with cars like the little nerd he is 

hates math dearly 

he did enjoy both history and the sciences, though

even then, his favorite subject was phys ed, as expected

he can lie face down flat on the ground and raise himself up with bending his arms that is INSANE

can also get up onto just one foot without touching the ground

he cleans meticulously when he’s drunk

he also tries to get the other members to sleep early or sleep when they don’t want to,,, he essentially becomes dream parental figure no. 1

jenshow!!!! mc of the year!!!! king of mc-ing!!!!!!!

he’s grown up well throughout the years (from smrookies to chewing gum to now (boom)) but his smile has stayed exactly the same since when he was that kid from that commercial

speaking of: the milk commercial he was in

his and doyoung’s couple costume for 2018 halloween it was just so Valid

also him and renjun couples smurf costume it really went down in history i feel

i legally can’t go further without mentioning that one JSMR ep where he had the bathbombs and he saw the train bathbomb and went “choo choo!” that was so Good 

he named his airpods “Jeno’s showerhead” boy WHAT

his trademark confusion noise (”huH?”)

the mole near his right eye…

...and the one on his left cheek 

the fact that he’s awkward at aegyo in front of cameras but, according to jaemin, he has the most aegyo out of any of the dream members

he slaps his toner on so hard that it wakes renjun up every morning 

can and will eat most things with mayo (ex. celery)

all of his contact names for the dreamies are puns based off of their names 

current official hardest puncher of the dreamies 

jaemin got champagne for his birthday and jeno finessed it within like… a minute

the sound he makes when he’s trying to hold his laughter in is EXQUISITE

that’s another thing: he laughs soooo easily it’s so good

his dancing is so mf powerful i feel like not enough people appreciate how talented jeno is at dancing

exact same height, shoe size, and joining day as jaemin, his ‘destined best friend’

lets his members play games in his room into the morning even though he has work at the show

calls himself “no jam” (not funny) even though he’s a whole circus

his automatic wince that he holds for a few seconds when anything is too loud during JSMR

high pitched noise of annoyance

exceedingly gentle and has a self-proclaimed weakness for cute things

cries when he’s angry 

has gotten more and more confident as the eras pass by i am LIVING for it

says that he hopes to have another comeback with the original dream members someday (after they’ve all graduated… because SM is a Fuck and won’t make ot7 dream a fixed unit)

plays the guitar

composes songs! he’s so talented and musically inclined i am so proud of him

him, hyuck, jaemin, and jisung were forced to drop out of school to pursue being idols BUT before that he majored/focused in practical dance at SOPA (where his seatmate was jaemin!)

known for being bad at taking selfies (even though anything and everything with him is iconic, immediately,)

when filming for “go” hyuck fake kissed him and jeno started chasing him and that actually made it into the mv which is so funny

can eat half an apple in 2-3 bites

tied in arm wrestling with jaemin, who’s his lifting partner 

has never gotten blackout drunk even though renhyuck allegedly have 

really likes playing mobile games!! 

likes puppies and old dogs just the same he’s so good with animals

he can play the violin!

he’s the baby of his family and that really shows sometimes

his handwriting is very aesthetically pleasing in both english and korean

he still has “the tastebuds of a child” and eats like garbage but works out super hard to maintain his body (i hope he’s being healthy!!!!)

his assigned character trait (ex. renjun’s is “pureness/innocence” because SM can’t their artists seem more than 1 dimensional, apparently) is “boring” and he just runs with it and it gets funnier and funnier whenever he or the others call him boring because they all know he’s a whole clown

listens to music loudly 

his rapping improves with every song he’s really finding his flow!! it’s especially obvious in the we boom album in 119 and stronger imo

has a terrible sense of direction

he’s been wearing a lot of sleeveless tees onstage and offstage recently and you can tell he’s been working out which is rad because he’s mentioned how much he enjoys exercising so it’s good that he’s been doing what he loves!!

had a cameo on the drama a-teen... king of being an all around performer!!

resembles a samoyed (self-proclaimed) because of his eye-smile

loves cherry blossoms

he’s watched a lot of disney films but his favorite is the original Lion King

resembles (and loves!) donghae of suju

constantly compliments his members and has a tendency to compliment them even right after he clowns them

loves dark chocolate and can eat a lot of it

he really likes the sound of pencils against paper

his duality is insane he’ll go ham onstage and then be quieter and all smiles backstage like... true prince

his facial expressions are PEAK he is so expressive especially when he squawks at stuff

he genuinely liked studying (more or less) when he was a student and would like to go to university

has always wanted to and still wants to major in architecture!

that time he lit a candle and then accidentally blew it out directly after

when he shhhhed a lemon on JSMR

would love to go to Europe someday

his specialty is acting and I really hope to see actor!jeno some time in the future if he’s up for it

the way he says “oh my gosh!”

his soft vibrato when he sings where you can tell he’s not quite sure of his vocal capability (even though he should be because he’s iconic) but he still likes to sing

i know i’ve mentioned it but his dancing is so smooth and stylistic and powerful and tbh i feel it in my chest

boom shooting when he neglected to remind jaemin that he had his phone and pretended to take jaemin’s calls

that time renjun said live that jeno games til 4 am and jeno was like “don’t say that!!my mom might be watching”

boy can EAT

says he hates skinship but seems to enjoy initiating it

wears his watch everywhere because he’s the king of fashionable functionality

this (shoutout @iriiidescence )

i hate to focus on his physical attributes because I feel like he gets boxed in as just “pretty” way too often, but, with that being said, his hands are gorgeous and you can tell how much he respects the world around him by how gently and daintily he holds things

read and enjoyed Jonathan Livingston Seagull

is incredibly artistic but never talks about it

his eyes and gaze are visibly and obviously different on and off stage

he gets so flustered talking about his own duality it is the cutest thing

early days esp during mfal his smile was like :3 and it isn’t as pronounced nowadays but sometimes it’s still like that and that is very good

when dream got reflectors for their selfmade movie shoot thing (was it for the boy videos or something similar? I can’t remember) and he put it behind mark and was like “halo!” and hyuck almost beat his ass then and there

jaemin said “we’ve known each other for 7 years” and jeno was like “let’s stop meeting”

that nct life moment when him and jisung were “sparring” and jeno won but when he went to shake jisung’s hand he straight up pulled jisung’s mitten off but kept on shaking the empty mitten anyways to save face

the smrookies age vid where jaemin asks ���am i cute?” in Thai and jeno straight up says “no”

ran DIRECTLY into a green screen during go mv filming and had the misfortune of it getting caught on camera

when jaemin said “i love you” and jeno (he was over the phone) panicked and stuttered out “no thanks”

when he sticks his tongue out in pics he is the CUTEST mofo

when he centered in black on black

when he was dressed up all hardcore in all black with a fake gun and still managed to look soft because of how his eyes shone with all the stars in the night sky

he always looks at his members like they each hung the moon

is always honest (even when it comes to shading SM 👌)

is always striving to become a better version of himself no matter what he is doing

spreads love in any way he knows how, whether it be verbally or through his actions or through the way his gaze lingers when reading comments or how focused he is on specific dance moves or how attentive he is to his friends... jeno always does what he can to brighten the world of those he loves and those who love him and he deserves the sun moon and stars because of this

[alywats]

My Definitive Ranking of Taylor Swift Albums

Did anyone ask for this? Nope! But here we are anyways. This is my definitive ranking of Taylor Swift’s eight studio albums. I am using the basic album release for each one (not Deluxe or Platinum editions) and I am not including any live albums or special releases, just the basic eight albums. I did do a full re-listen of her discography, in order, and took my notes as I listened. I based my rankings on my personal taste! But I also tried to include enough of an explanation with tangible evidence for each one so that you can understand my thought process, and for some more context I will say this: Taylor Swift holds a lot of nostalgia for me, and thus nostalgia for some of her earlier stuff factors in. My music taste has also evolved a lot since I first listened to and enjoyed Taylor Swift, thus my current tastes play a big role in this ranking. I do not listen to any other country music, and I don’t listen to a whole lot of pop either. But I regard Taylor Swift as an incredible musician and lyricist who has consistently put out very influential and emotional music, which I can definitely appreciate. I also think that almost every single one of her albums has caught me at the exact right time in my life, where I can fully appreciate and be receptive to what she is trying to do. So, without further ado:

1. Red

This album is honestly God tier because it is so emotional and nostalgic and lyrically beautiful. Taylor’s vocals in this album convey just as much emotion as her lyrics, meaning that we get to hear her really go for it with her vocals in a way that we don’t hear in any other album. This was the first album that successfully bridged out of country and into pop, I think, and the direction she went in was bordering on pop rock which I of course love. She goes hard with the heartbreak angst, which was so relatable to every teen who listened to it (ahem, me), and backs it up with ELECTRIC GUITARS which was her best move to date. This album was released in 2012, when she was (feelin) age 22 and Taylor wrote 8 of the 16 songs, she focused on more mature themes than her previous albums, but stayed true to her teen demographic. 

Best song: All Too Well, it is simply the most emotional and cathartic Taylor Swift song to date, and her vocals go so hard on it *chef’s kiss*

2. folklore

I truly think this is her best work as a whole, the only reason Red takes number one is for a few true stand out songs that outshine this album as a whole. The lyrics in this album are so beautiful and poignet, you can tell that she was trying to match the honest and stripped down tone of the instrumentals. She did write almost all of these songs with a co-writer, the song my tears ricochet is the only one she wrote solo, but again this is some of her most lyrically strong work so do what works, girl! There are much more indie pop rock vibes, a departure from her electronic pop style that defined her previous three albums, and this is exactly the direction I wanted Swift to go in. We also have EXPLICIT tags on a few of the songs in this album, a first for Swift. This really highlights the more exposed and, again, honest nature that this album is trying to take.

Best song: the 1, or maybe exile I honestly like a lot of the songs and I haven’t had enough time to choose a definitive best song for this one!

3. 1989

This album was Swift’s first true departure from her country-pop sound into electronic mainstream pop. Released in 2014, 1989 was an album about self discovery that was also showcasing the self discovery sonically. She really starts to allow edgy Taylor Swift to come forward (see: Blank Space).  I think this is such a distinct and cohesive album sound, which means that any song on that album brings me back to my 2014, to the end of high school and my own self discovery. I think that’s why this album ranks so high for me, because like I mentioned it came at me at a time when I was so receptive to an album of self discovery and coming into “a new era” of life. My obvious criticism is that it is very synth heavy which is not really my vibe these days, but it works so well as a pop album as a whole. 

Best song: Wildest Dreams because it is just the right amount of edgy Taylor while still having beautiful lyrics.

4. Speak Now

This is the only album that Swift has written completely herself, and the lyrics really shine. I mean, in kind of a cute teen way, but still it is impressive as she was basically a teen herself when this album was written and released. This album has so much nostalgia for my own innocent days, but my main criticism is that it is so teen, PG, innocent that it’s a little bit hard for it to come with me into adulthood. It does try to tackle a few mature themes which is more than some of the previous albums can claim! The song Better Than Revenge alludes to SEX, for the first time I think? My biggest praise for the album is that she can really write about heartbreak angst, like honestly she could put some emo bands to shame. 

Best song: Back To December as it is the most emotional and lyrically strong song on the album which is what I value most in her writing.

5. Fearless

Taylor Swift’s second album, released in 2008, is still heavily country, but is starting to dabble into mainstream pop. It again has a lot of teen themes, You Belong With Me is a prime example, but as Taylor was 18 when this album was released I think that is to be expected. This album is musically and lyrically better than her debut, but her best is definitely yet to come! 

Best song: Fifteen, as it embodies the “teen theme” but in a way that ages well as you grow up and relisten. Listening back on this song I had a completely different take-away… that fifteen-year-olds don’t know anything! Whereas at fifteen I listened to the song as I was experiencing the things in the song and relating so hard to them.

6. Lover

This album marks Swift’s return from the reputation era, where Taylor was a bad bitch who… rapped? And the return to wholesome pop is WELCOME! It is still very synth and electronic heavy pop, but the lyricism also returns, and in my book that is the biggest win of the album. The album sounds very samey or maybe vague to me, but it is definitely listenable. The biggest flop? That the Panic! at the Disco crossover song was the lamest worst song on the album.. Yikes! 

Best song: Lover, as it is a good solid sappy beautiful love song. But honestly, there weren’t any true standouts and I thought most of the songs were equally mediocre.

7. Taylor Swift

Swift’s first and eponymous album was pure country and pure teen energy. It is hard to listen to it as an adult and not feel big high school innocent vibes, but she was 16 when she wrote it! Nothing is lyrically genius, but there are some solid tunes. There is some good teen angst and emotion in there, but some of the songs are also pretty happy go lucky. It’s just fine. 

Best song: Should’ve Said No which honestly ages well and doesn’t feel explicitly teen. And it goes pretty hard for little 16 year old Taylor.

8. reputation

So that brings us to the bottom of the list, and the only Taylor Swift album I genuinely dislike. The 2017 era of Taylor Swift was the peak of mainstream pop Taylor, with so much hip hop bad bitch energy that any attempt at beautiful lyricism got lost in a rap. She was trying to be so edgy and get away from her innocent and clean public image, but she admits that this character was not authentic, and I think that comes through in the music. This was trying to be the culmination of all the self discovery in 1989, but as it was more a commentary on celebrity and fame, it was not as relatable. 

Best song: New Year’s Day, it is so reminiscent of the Taylor that I love and goes completely against the rest of the album’s rapping and electronic synth vibes. Don’t tell me the old Taylor is dead, girl, she is right here!

[beans-shadow]

looking for the truth (pt 12)

Fandom: Naruto

Relationship: Kakasaku

Characters: Hatake Kakashi, Haruno Sakura

read on ao3: here

part one / two / three / four / five / six / seven / eight / nine / ten / eleven / twelve / thirteen

Sakura and Kakashi finally make it back to the village. But were they quick enough?

--

After their post-self-apology embrace, Sakura had seemed to snap back into full-ninja mode, remembering their ever-shortening time pressure. She brushed the leaves off of her outfit, and nodded.

“We have to get back. Let’s continue.” Without celebration, she picked up her backpack, and zipped into the trees.

Finding renewed energy after that previous ordeal, Kakashi ran aside Sakura as they had made their way home. Mind finally clear for what felt like the first time in forever, he’d felt like a new man. Sakura’s obvious rejection from earlier hurt him, but it did not counterbalance the freedom and ease he found in his renewed heart.

It only took another hour or so before the foliage separated, revealing the outline of Konoha. Kakashi started to take the lead, turning them towards the great entrance ready to confront Kotetsu and Izumo into letting them in with haste. Sakura grabbed his shoulder, shaking her head. Being the Hokage’s student for so long had given her insights unbeknownst to Jonin even of Kakashi’s stature – which apparently included secret passageways in and out of the Hokage’s tower. Kakashi always knew they existed, and presumed Tsunade used them to get away from her stacks of paperwork in favor of a glass of sake. Seeing them, however, was a revelation.

Unfortunately, time did not allow him to explore, as Sakura skipped up the stairs to open a trapdoor that led them directly into Tsunade’s quarters. Without help, she leapt up and hefted herself into the room. Scrambling after her, Kakashi could hear a conversation suddenly stop as surprise overstepped whatever the topic previously being discussed. Breathing heavily, the entire journey catching up to Kakashi, Kakashi rested with his hands on his knees. Sakura stood at attention by Tsunade’s desk, back straight, all business. Getting an awareness of his surroundings, Kakashi saw Shikamaru looking astounded at the pair, the first time Kakashi had ever seen something remotely like shock on the Nara clan head’s face. A scroll in his hands, he obviously had been going through some important business.

Tsunade’s wide eyes, on the other hand, quickly recovered. Shifting her gaze from her student to Kakashi, she quipped, “Sakura, what in the world did you do to my Copy Ninja, to make him breathless?” Standing from her seat, she circled around her desk to sit on the edge, crossing her arms. “Furthermore, what is the world do you think warrants using my secret tunnels, interrupting my private meeting with Shikamaru?”

Shivers flew down Kakashi’s spine, prompting him to stand straight along with Sakura. The Hokage’s tone affected him immensely, but clearly Sakura was used to it by now, or she’d grew accustomed to it enough to hide any infliction she might have from her master.

Eyeing Shikamaru without a care, Sakura stepped up to cut him off completely. “I assume you’ve been made aware of the soil sample I had Ino analyze,” she began.

Tilting slightly, Tsunade looked at Shikamaru over Sakura’s shoulder. “The what?”

Whirling around, Sakura’s hair flared. Kakashi kept his face neutral, knowing he would not want to be on the other end of her fury, given the situation.

Although a good foot shorter than the shadow master, Sakura drew closer to Shikamaru, forcing him back against the wall. “You didn’t tell her?” She growled. Shaking his head, Shikamaru fumbled.

“No, no, not yet. I mean, was all purely circumstantial,” he said. “We wanted to wait for something more concrete.”

Spinning again, Sakura turned back to Tsunade. “Well, here’s something concrete: we were told by the Daimyo himself our data is substantiated. We need to act now; we don’t know how badly we’re already infected.”

“Infected? Data? Someone, explain,” Tsunade commanded, making her way around her desk again to sit at her chair expectantly.

Sakura, gesturing wildly, started going through all the events she and Kakashi had uncovered while in the Land of Mountain Streams. When necessary, Kakashi chimed in to agree and supplement Sakura’s account. After just a few minutes, as Tsunade drew her clasped hands closer and closer to her face, she smacked her hands on the desk.

“Enough.” She stood, assertive. “I’ve heard enough.” She sank deep into her seat, hands now on her forehead. “This is awful. What do I do? Separate families? That will cause a panic. I can’t just raid homes.” Shifting, Tsunade made a move to look down from her window at the village that was entrusted to her be under her protection.

“If we can’t trust our loved ones, who can we trust?” She asked no one in particular.

The weight of the question fell on Kakashi. He’d been mentally preparing for the imminent battles between clans, between villages. But the emotional devastation hadn’t crossed his mind, and now he saw just how much worse that would be.

Shaking her head, Tsunade gathered her powerful stance. Turning around, she barked orders. “Shikamaru, go let Kotetsu and Izumo know they need to secure the gates and borders. I presume an attack is approaching us as we speak. Get Gai and his team to scout and figure out exactly what the situation is out there.” She turned to Sakura. “Sakura, get Ino and Shizune and start prepping the hospital for a cleanse. We need to start research for an antidote now. Time is of the essence.”

Eyes darkening, she finally turned to Kakashi. “And you, mister, have exhausted your chakra supply one too many times. Take him with you, Sakura,” Tsunade ordered with a flick of her wrist, acting as if Kakashi were only a bothersome fly zooming around her face. “He’ll be of no use to this village in his current state.”

Protesting, Kakashi took one step forward. “Tsunade-san, that’s not true –” He was immediately silenced by a hand in the air.

“I won’t hear any of it. It wastes your breath, and our precious time. See to it, and I’ll have more instructions later.” 

Thinning his lips, Kakashi bowed reluctantly along with the other ninjas in the room. Feet lightly tapping on the wooden floor, the three Jonin shuffled out of the small room. Shikamaru disappeared quickly using the flicker technique, and Kakashi made a move to peel off from Sakura as well, but she got a hold of his arm before he could escape her clutches that would lead him to the horrid affair that was his relationship with the hospital.

“Oh, no you don’t, you’re coming with me.”

“Wait, Sakura, no—”

His words got swept up in her own flicker technique, leaving his vocals behind in the Hokage’s tower as his body lurched in the direction of his nightmare. Of course, Sakura had made sure he had no hopes of escape: she’d led them straight to his reserved hospital room, as he frequented the ward so often.

“Alright, let’s call a nurse and get you settled quickly,” Sakura said, running around the room for his chart on the wall. She flipped through it and made a few notes. Kakashi peered over her shoulder, trying to get a glimpse of what she was writing, but Sakura tucked the clipboard to her chest. “Doctor’s eyes only!” She exclaimed. She pushed him into the cot. “You, in bed.”

Kakashi put his hands in the air, surrendering. Deciding to play coy, he asked, “Shouldn’t I change into my hospital gown?”

Sakura’s face paled, her cheeks then turning bright red. “Oh, yeah. Well, maybe just wait until the nurse gets here.”

Tilting his head as he sat on the bed, Kakashi asked, “Didn’t you say you were in a hurry?”

Now Sakura looked flustered. “Well, yes, but…”

“I’ll change in the restroom,” Kakashi decided.

Head down, he banished himself into the bathroom. Pulling off his smelly clothes, full of days of sweat, Kakashi gagged and contemplated. This was his first one-on-one time with Sakura since… since he’d tried kissing her. Before he’d gotten swept up in her urgency, but now it truly hit him now: her avoidance of his affection. After he’d opened up to her, letting his fears and guilt out. Not as if she owed him anything for that; he’d just thought they’d been growing close. Closer than he’d ever felt with anyone else.

She might not think of him in the exact same way, but Kakashi knew they were still more than simple friends. He could still trust her. He needed to talk to her, get his feelings out, so he could move on.

After he finished changing, Kakashi left the bathroom and crawled obediently into his bed. Sakura was still scribbling in his chart, eyebrows furrowed in cute concentration. Despite the situation that sat at their door, Kakashi still wanted to appreciate her hard-working spirit and brilliant mind.

“Sakura,” he began.

Startled, she looked up from her work. A bright smirk spread across her face. “What is this? I’ve never seen you get in bed without a few minutes of persuasion.”

Mussing with the wrinkles in the blankets, Kakashi murmured. “Yes, well. Times have changed, I’ve changed… because of you.”

Now it was Sakura’s turn to tilt her head. “Come again?”

“You’ve changed me. I thanked you before for letting me open to you. Now, I want to thank you for changing me into someone I like more.”

Fondness gleamed in Sakura’s bright eyes, and Kakashi’s heart ached. If only that fondness extended slightly more to how he felt. “Of course, Kakashi,” she said, voice velvet. “That person was always there. Everyone could see it; I could see it. It was just a matter of making you see it.”

Kakashi shook his head, not sure as to why. There was no clear way in his mind to transition the conversation to what he wanted to touch upon, so he decided bluntness would be the best tactic. “Sakura, after I… wept, right before we hugged…”

He heard Sakura take a quick intake of breath. That sign alone, and he knew she was aware what he was talking about. “Yes?”

“You know how I… leaned in…” Kami, this was awkward. Typically a smooth talker, now Kakashi finding it even difficult to quickly string together a sentence.

Contrary to his desire for honesty, Sakura feigned ignorance. “Leaned in? What do you mean?”

Her avoidance triggered some anger in Kakashi, and he found it within himself to face the root of the issue.

“I was trying to kiss you,” he said quickly. “And I’m sorry.”

Sakura seemed taken back by surprise. “Sorry?”

Nodding, Kakashi looked to the chair by the bedside which held up his sad, deposited clothes. “Yes, sorry, because you felt the need to dodge it. I did not mean to put you in an uncomfortable position. Please know I still cherish what we built over this mission, so I won’t ever try again. I just wanted to get it out in the open so we can move on.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?” Kakashi repeated, a small smile of bemusement on his face. The pink-haired medic, usually with so much to say, only could vocalize one word.

Kakashi thought too soon, because Sakura shook her head. “No, not ‘oh.’ I…” Sakura looked to the window, biting her bottom lip. Closing her eyes and taking one deep breath, she walked over to Kakashi’s bed, sitting by his side and taking his hand.

“That’s not true,” she whispered. Kakashi’s breath stopped. He did not want any movements, noises, or distractions from what he was about to hear.

“Well I mean, I did dodge it,” Sakura corrected. “But not for the reason you think.” She closed her eyes again, and now Kakashi put a comforting hand over her own. Her hand loosened in his own, and her chest expanded.

“Kakashi, I –”

The door opened and a nurse stepped in, a forehead glistening with the first signs of perspiration. Sakura’s impatience with slow-minded people also extended to their physical speed, a trait that spread through the wing like wildfire when she first took over the hospital.

“Dr. Haruno, I’m here,” the nurse said, stating the obvious. Wide-eyed and scared, the nurse gulped audibly as he took in the intimate moment the head doctor was in the middle of. Sakura looked spooked, and Kakashi never wanted to commit murder more. “Oh, Doctor, I’m sorry, I –”

Standing quickly, Sakura brushed off her clothes, leaving Kakashi’s hand empty, and her former spot cold. “No, that’s quite alright. Did you bring me my coat?”

Nodding, the nurse wordlessly handed the white jacket. In one swift moment that brushed Sakura’s scent over Kakashi, she dressed her part and became Head Doctor Haruno. “Here’s his chart,” she handed his papers to the nurse. “There’s not much to do besides the usual when it comes to this trouble maker,” she said playfully, avoiding Kakashi’s longing stare. “I need to go and start researching a way to combat this destructive disease at once.”

“Of course,” the nurse bowed, moving to Kakahsi’s side. He didn’t know this man, this medic. As if he would listen to anyone but Sakura. And now she was leaving him, at his most vulnerable, in the place he most despised.

“Sakura, please, wait,” Kakashi called, rising in his bed. The nurse, beefier than expected, shoved him back down on the cot into the pillows, shaking his head.

Body half-through the door, Kakashi watched as Sakura’s hand held all the tension in her body, not releasing her, not allowing herself to leave his room.

Sorrowful for a reason unbeknownst to Kakashi, Sakura peered in one last time and gave him a small smile. “Get some rest, Kakashi.” And then she was gone.

“Sleep, now, Hatake,” the nurse said, voice distant. The sensation of chakra infused with the feeling of sleepiness sank into his body, and Kakashi was forced into a state of unconsciousness.

---

How different this sleep was from that blessed night of tranquility besides Sakura in the tasteful in back in the Land of Mountain Streams. At peace with himself, besides someone he trusted, he’d been able to doze off with ease. Here, in the hospital, he fought the drowsiness that tugged at his body at every extremity possible. The urge to get up, contribute to his society instead of sleeping the days away that he could not fulfil frustrated him to no end. Whatever drugs Sakura had him on were powerful, more powerful than he’d previously experienced, and there was no way around it besides waiting.

And so, he did, after days of struggle. Succumbing to the drugs, he allowed his body to heal, and replenish.

A day later, a rumble sounded from outside of the window. Lids heavy, lips chapped, and body sore from atrophy, Kakashi summoned strength to turn his head towards the source. No visual cues presented themselves to give him any more information. Groaning, Kakashi sat up right. The sounds grew louder and clearer as Kakashi’s senses connected with his brain. Shouts, grunts, cries: the rudiments of close-combat warfare. A siren from far away: the raid siren, notifying the entire village that there was an attack. Although muffled by distance, Kakashi knew his resting time was over, despite any doctor’s orders, Sakura included.

Sakura.

His heart hurt just at the thought of her name. What was she going to say before the nurse came in and stopped her train of thought? She’d confused him immensely. Yes, she did dodge his advances, but no, not in the way he thought? What other way could that be?

Kakashi shook his head violently, giving him a slight headache. Holding his head, he grunted. This was not the time nor place to contemplate Sakura’s puzzling mind. Action was needed.

After his chakra supply joyously resounded in his body, full again, Kakashi summoned Pakkun on his bed.

The dog appeared on the sheets, mouth full of scroll. Wary, Pakkun sat by Kakashi’s feet, depositing the scroll in between his paws.

“Boss,” he greeted Kakashi, bowing his small head.

“Don’t ‘boss’ me,” Kakashi said, shifting his head in agitated imitation. “What’s going on?”

Pakkun shifted his paws before answering. “Nothing you need to concern yourself with,” he decided to say.

“Really?” Kakashi did not believe him for a second. In a quick motion, he grabbed the scroll by Pakkun, lifting it in the air where the dog could not reach. “Let me see for myself, then. What’s in this scroll?”

The pug scrambled up Kakashi’s chest to no avail. “No, Young Hatake! That’s not for your eyes! It’s from the Hokage herself.”

“Working with the Hokage without me, I see,” Kakashi said, saddened. Relenting, the pug stopped fighting to climb up his human and sat, dejected, to the side. With rigor, Kakashi tore open the scroll and read the message.

Need more reinforcement by the southeast tower. Send three more Jonin teams from the trees, the two by the tunnels. Up to 20% contamination in the village. No antidote has been made yet, no update from Sakura. Assume a week longer of assault before progress is made. Prepare evacuation of children, separated from their mothers.

“What?” Kakashi breathed. The situation in his head did not compare to reality. It was much more dire. Rolling the message back up, he tossed the paper to Pakkun. “Here. Continue on. I’ll be there too.”

“Boss, are you sure you’re okay?”

“It doesn’t matter. If I’m okay, and we lose,” Kakashi argued, “I’ll have the same result as if I were not okay. Might as well contribute and fight.”

“I’m not sure I follow that logic…” Pakkun said, eyes questioning.

Ignoring the complaint, Kakashi pulled his sheets off and tore the stupid nightgown he wore. Fortunately, some nurse had been gracious enough to spring for an outfit cleaning, and his clothes were nice and folded by his nightstand.

Fully dressed, Kakashi turned to see Pakkun still waiting expectantly, standing as if he wanted to say something.

“Yes?” Kakashi prompted.

“Boss, I…” Pakkun trailed. “Please be careful.” He nodded, and poofed away.

Smiling, Kakashi sent the same prayer to his trusted companion. Taking one breath to gather himself, Kakashi pulled his hands to his chest, motioned, and flickered away to the base of south east tower.

---

As he appeared on the battlefield, the noise that had been dampened before blasted in Kakashi’s ears. Disoriented for a split second, Kakashi quickly took in the ground view of the fights.

Blends of Leaf shinobi faced off other ninja who hailed from many different villages. From flashes of headbands, Kakashi made out Mist Village ninja, Stone Ninja, Waterfall Ninja, Snow Ninja… a pattern of Water-associated villages and lands stuck out. Guess they were more loyal to each other thank Kakashi thought… or they all simply took the chance to strike Konoha when at its weakest.

Catapults of blazing stone flew from the walls of the village, crashing down all around the field, shaking the earth beneath Kakashi’s feet. Different ninjutsu techniques also morphed the scene around him. Spikes of dirt, masses of plant life, flooding fields, and pillars of fire all roared around him. The siren still blasted in the village, a constant reminder that civilian lives were being torn apart.

Keeping quiet, Kakashi prepared his chakra, then threw himself into the nearest fight. A Chunin he did not recognize struggled with an experienced ninja from the Mist Village. Only using taijutsu, Kakashi spun and kicked the ninja square in the chest, sending him far away. His fellow ninja breathed out, relieved. Giving Kakashi a nod, she sprinted away to find a more suitable opponent.

The Mist ninja leapt back into the air, wiping blood from his lips. Growling, he grazed his eyes over Kakashi’s.

“The infamous Copy Ninja,” he glowered. “Let’s see how that title lives up now that you don’t have a Sharingan!” He threw four shiruken at Kakashi, who easily dodged the attack. Kakashi assumed it would be a distraction, but it seemed Mist ninja lacked the cleverness even Leaf Genin had. Flipping in the air, Kakashi remembered the pressure points Sakura had used on their way to the Mountain Stream Village. With a one-two punch, the man lay on the group, indisposed.

“Hmph.” Kakashi kicked him lightly in the side, and bounded off to his next victim.

It took Kakashi five more opponents before he saw someone he knew.

“Haha! Take that! You are no match for the power of youth!” The boisterous laugh flew over the battle field. The man had not even opened a single gate. All he wielded were his nunchaku and green jumpsuit, yet we sent waves of fright wherever he next lay his eyes.

“Gai!” Kakashi shouted as he made his way to his friend, punching a few ninjas. 

The man turned, a huge smile plastered across his face. “My rival! I am glad you have finally made it onto the battle field. I’ve already defeated a few dozen of these bothersome folk who call themselves shinobi. Care to try and beat me?” He swept low, tripping a whole group of ninjas around him, before reaching Kakashi. Back to back, they postured, fists up.

“I’ll take that bet,” Kakashi said. “I’ve been on the battle field for about twenty minutes and I’m already up to six.”

“I would not expect anything else from my rival!” Gai bellowed. “How admirable!”

Rolling his eyes, Kakashi withheld laughter. “Any updates for me? I’m pretty much in the dark right now.”

Gai’s dazzling radiance dimmed. “It’s not good, Kakashi,” he said, voice low. “The first stages of the infection were impossible to track, so we tallied about eleven domestic fatalities before we could separate families. Sakura developed a way to test for the bacteria, but it’s not one hundred percent accurate.” He paused to punch a woman away. “Morality is low. People fight in the streets, across the entire village, even as Lady Tsunade orders separation of families’ along with an evacuation.”

“I did read a message saying there’s no antidote yet,” Kakashi said, using a lightning technique to fry a few Stone ninja.

He felt Gai nod behind him. “That is true. But Shizune and Sakura figured out a way to subdue patients to the point they don’t attack anyone they love on sight. But given the fact almost the entire village is surrounded, and we have infighting to handle, there are too many battle fronts to cover. Tactically, we are at a significant disadvantage.”

“We’ll just have to hold on for as long as possible,” Kakashi decided. “C’mon. I bet I can wrack up a few dozen before the sun sets.”

“Haha! We shall see, my rival! Gate one, the Gate of Opening! Gate two, the Gate of Healing, open!” A blast of energy flew by Kakashi. “Let us fight, dishonorable opponents!”

Although Kakashi took Gai’s challenge seriously, they pair ended up working together. It was endless. So many villages held grudges against the Leaf, and Kakashi was sick and tired of it. They were obviously stronger, of course they would be jealous. Instead of being jealous, he thought maybe they should focus on making themselves just as skilled or powerful. Then again, they also lacked the intellect of the Leaf.

Afternoon turned to dusk, and then only the stars and fire lit up the battle field as the ninja continued the assault. Konoha’s numbers kept up. It took more than a few days of fighting to tire noble leaf ninja out. And with Kakashi’s renewed chakra, he knew he could keep up.

A few days became five days. Five days turned into a week. More and more dark green flak jackets littered the floor around Kakashi’s feet. More and more still faces sparked memories. Medical ninjas worked as fast as they could, running around with stretchers and test kits. Konoha was hit twice: with the human opponent, and the microscopic opponent. Leaf ninja were forced to stand down, relenting to be taken to the hospital for treatment, in fear of starting to fight against their own army.

Gai, to make up for the shrinking fighting force, opened three more gates. Even with his youthful spirit, the toll of the technique was starting to catch up to him. Kakashi was tiring yet again. At every moment, he worried he too would get infected, and be taken to back to his bed in the village. Word got out the bacteria was blood borne, sparking fear every time he received a cut from a reused weapon.

Finally, a day later, word came that an antidote was in the works. Relief boosted the effort of leaf shinobi, and finally a shout of retreat permeated across the field. Just ten minutes later, every ninja that did not honor the Leaf symbol departed.

Hands bloody, clothes torn, Kaksahi held his last kunai with white knuckles. Many yards away, he saw Gai’s aggressive red figure scan the area for more enemies. And then he fell.

Rushing to his friend’s side, Kakashi cradled Gai’s head. “Hey. Hey. It’s over. We won.” Gai grimaced, and Kakashi felt Gai’s brittle bones shudder against the torn muscles of his comrade.

“Yes, yes we did,” Gai breathed. His eyes closed.

“Hang on!” Holding his friend bridal style, Kakashi sprinted back to the hospital.

[obtusemedia]

The best songs of the 2010s: #25-1

#25: “SICKO MODE” by Travis Scott feat. Drake (2018)

When music historians look at hip-hop’s late-’10s dominance, I have no doubt that “SICKO MODE” will be viewed as the pinnacle of the era.

Let’s just go through a checklist of what makes “SICKO MODE” an instant classic: The weirdo multi-part structure. Travis Scott’s nearly two-minute long verse with quotable lines galore. Drake somehow managing to make falling asleep on an airplane sound cool. That spooky two-word Swae Lee refrain. Multiple Jamba Juice name-drops (inspiring a hilarious meme video). An iconic, striking music video with whacked-out imagery galore. 

But most importantly, it’s a stone-cold banger that will get any dance floor moving. What more could you want? 

#24: “Dance Yrself Clean” by LCD Soundsystem (2010)

You might have noticed that one of the decade’s biggest musical trends — EDM — hasn’t shown up much on this list. That’s because a majority of it has already aged badly, even just a few years later. Songs like “Don’t You Worry Child” or “Wake Me Up!” certainly have their charms, but unlike the more enjoyable, trashy electropop that preceded it, most EDM hits were plodding and self-serious. And its best artist, Calvin Harris, made his best work when he drifted away from the subgenre’s rigid structure and just made pure pop music.

But my passiveness towards EDM doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a great drop. There’s been plenty of songs on the list with incredible drops up to this point, and there’s still a couple more to come. Hell, I even halfway considered putting some Skrillex on the list just because some of his early stuff still can get your pulse pounding (even if these songs REEK of the early 10s). But there will never be a drop more bonkers than “Dance Yrself Clean.”

Indie legends LCD Soundsystem kicked off the decade with a bang with this song — but they made you wait for that bang. More than three minutes, to be exact. But those who were patient enough to sit through the quiet, drawn-out opening were treated to frontman James Murphy wailing like a madman over a shuffling beat, bouncy bass and a cascading, randomized symphony of analog synthesizers. Although I’m sure Murphy calculated every second of “Dance Yrself Clean,” it sounds like absolute anarchy. And in the moments when his screaming vocals go hoarse over the slamming synths, it’s unreal.

#23: “Born To Die” by Lana Del Rey (2011)

This was the first Lana Del Rey song I heard, back in my junior year of high school. I was immediately floored. The vocals, the cinematic orchestral sweep, the spaghetti western guitars, the tragically beautiful lyrics  — it was an instant masterpiece. There was no way Lana wouldn’t be the world’s biggest popstar within a year.

A couple months later, Lana infamously bombed on Saturday Night Live, which some thought would derail her career entirely. Even after her career has survived and she’s become a critical darling with a cult fanbase, her debut album, Born To Die, and its title track still have a bit of the stink from that SNL performance. Well, no more.

“Born To Die” is a haunting gothic-pop masterpiece that’s aged much better than much early-’10s pop (although I love the corny club stuff from that era, don’t get me wrong). Lana’s smoky voice is unparalleled, the trip-hop production is untouchable.

And although her pinnacle wouldn’t come until 2014 with her sophomore album Ultraviolence, “Born To Die” is still Lana’s most perfect single to date.

#22: “Green Light” by Lorde (2017)

In 2013, Lorde completely upended the pop universe with “Royals,” a minimalist tune chastising radio hits for their un-relatable opulence. By 2017, the culture had fully gravitated towards Lorde’s moodier sound, with greyscale acts like Post Malone and Alessia Cara writing monster hits about being angsty and sad (and not in the artsy, brilliant way that worked for Kurt Cobain or Kanye). It was a far cry from the neon, bubbly world of Katy Perry and Carly Rae Jepsen from a few years prior.

The New Zealand prodigy could’ve cashed in on being ahead of the curve and continued down her minimalist moody path. But she did the opposite with the defiant and proudly energized “Green Light.” Yes, it’s a breakup anthem, but Lorde doesn’t wallow in her sadness here (she saves that for other Melodrama cuts). Instead, she wailed away into the night, playing off of the thundering drums and bouncing pianos of Jack Antonoff’s production (his best-ever). 

With “Green Light,” Lorde let her ex, and the world, know that she isn’t going anywhere. She might not ever reach the commercial heights of “Royals” again, but she’ll be an icon as long as there’s heartbreak that needs overcoming.

#21: “If You Know You Know” by Pusha-T (2018)

Pusha-T’s magnum opus, “If You Know You Know,” is a masterclass in cocaine rap with its effortless wordplay, sinister-yet-charismatic flow and blaring Kanye West beat. It deserved to be the song of the summer in 2018, but the masses chose a C-tier Drake single instead (despite Push absolutely ENDING Drake that summer).

But that doesn’t diminish the achievement Push made with this song. It’s quite a feat to record your best-ever track 17 years after your breakout. It’s even more of an accomplishment when that track kicks as much ass as “If You Know You Know.”

#20: “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry (2010)

Teenage Dream-era Katy Perry is one of pop’s all-time juggernauts. The five consecutive #1 hit singles that album racked up is a feat matched only by Michael Jackson. Of those five singles, one stands out as the clear masterpiece of the group: the album’s title track (although “T.G.I.F” is also incredible).

I remember feeling a little underwhelmed by “Teenage Dream” when I first heard it in 2010. Her last single was a goofy, bombastic summer jam complete with a ridiculous video. “Teenage Dream” is a much more conventional, timeless pop jam. The chord structure is shockingly simple and the lyrics are lovestruck notes from a ‘50s ballad.

But that simplicity is what makes the song work. “Teenage Dream” has aged well because sometimes, all you need is three chords, a monster hook and yearning lyrics. This song will be Perry’s biggest legacy.

#19: “Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales” by Car Seat Headrest (2016)

“Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales” has to be the only uplifting, U2/Nirvana-style power ballad about DUIs.

Landing smack in the middle of Car Seat Headrest’s indie rock concept album/instant-classic Teens of Denial, “Drunk Drivers” is about the main character taking stock of his entire life and emotional instability. And yes, it all centers around driving drunk — or in this case, refusing that temptation as an impetus to change one’s life.

Naturally, in the very next song on the album, it’s revealed that the narrator drove drunk and got arrested anyways. But for a cathartic six minutes, “Drunk Drivers” provides a fleeting escape from the constant loop of self-hate and depression. Not to mention that it’s a grinding ‘90s alt-rock throwback that probably makes Billy Corgan jealous.

#18: “Harmony Hall” by Vampire Weekend (2019)

I’d never guess that Vampire Weekend’s second-best song (after “Oxford Comma,” of course) would be a hippie-friendly tune combining the Grateful Dead and Screamadelica. But here we are. And awkward combination or no, Ezra Koenig knew exactly what he was doing.

In a very dark, uncertain year, Koenig decided to write a song that doubled both as a blissed-out reprieve and a nervous warning. The music is utopian, but the lyrics detail the anger, confusion and constant obstacles of life in the late ‘10s. Koenig takes a lyric from one of his previous songs — “I don’t want to live like this/but I don’t want to die” — and makes it a rallying cry for anxious Millennials around the world, paranoid that the world might not stick around much longer.

It’s a heavy topic, but the gorgeous instrumentals, breakbeat drums, lilting guitars and bouncy pianos certainly ease the stress. “Harmony Hall” is a late-career masterpiece for the ages.

#17: “Marvins Room” by Drake (2011)

Never before has a booty call sounded so sad.

Way before he ruled the pop universe, Drake was just hip-hop’s resident mope. And “Marvins Room” is peak sadboi Drake. Using a real voicemail message in the hook (that he was later sued for using), “Marvins Room” is a six-minute phone conversation in which Drake drunkenly begs his ex to come back.

On the surface, what Drake discusses are what most rappers brag about — sex, money, wealth. But in “Marvins Room,” Drake seems to view them as obstacles to his ex, who he clearly still isn’t over. When he said he had sex four times this week, he sounds disgusted with himself, not proud.

Drake doesn’t look remotely good in this song; it’s more than a little pathetic. But it feels real and raw and revealing in a way that few R&B ballads are willing to get.

#16: “Pedestrian At Best” by Courtney Barnett (2015)

Courtney Barnett’s grungy masterpiece, “Pedestrian At Best,” is appropriately angsty given its crunchy guitars and yell-y vocals. But the Melbourne singer-songwriter touches on a different kind of angst here than Pearl Jam usually tapped into: the pressure of living up to sky-high expectations.

In the early/mid ‘10s, Barnett was earning lots of hype after witty (and excellent!) early singles like “Avant Gardener” and “History Eraser.” She clearly assumed she’d screw up her debut album following up those breakout songs, as she declares herself “a fake” and “a phony” in “Pedestrian At Best.” 

Arguably her generation’s best lyricist, Barnett nails her expectation to squander the public’s expectations: “Put me on a pedestal and I’ll only disappoint you/Tell me I’m exceptional, I promise to exploit you.” The ironic thing is, she did the opposite. “Pedestrian At Best” is one of the most successful songs about failing.

#15: “Ni**as in Paris” by Jay-Z and Kanye West (2011)

There was some close competition, but I don’t think there was a more quotable rap song this decade than Jay-Z and Kanye West’s crowning achievement from Watch The Throne, “Ni**as in Paris.”

The classic lines don’t stop coming throughout the minimalist banger. Jay’s verse is smooth braggadocio perfected: “I’m liable to go Michael, take your pick: Jackson, Tyson, Jordan, Game 6.” Then Kanye comes crashing in with some truly bizarre bars that are both the dumbest and greatest thing you’ve ever heard. After hearing the song, I never felt the same way about fish filets ever again.

And then, the piece de resistance — Kanye’s inspired Will Ferrell sample from Blades Of Glory. It’s one of the most left-field and iconic moments in hip-hop history, and perfectly described the song itself. “NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS. BUT IT’S PROVOCATIVE. IT GETS THE PEOPLE GOING.” Amen.

#14: “Run Away With Me” by Carly Rae Jepsen (2015)

Carly Rae Jepsen deserved to be one of the biggest popstars of all time. She should be selling out the same arenas that Taylor Swift and Beyoncé fill. But, in what is a true tragedy, the British Columbia native is only remembered as being that singer with that one earth-shattering hit and a feverish cult following.

But despite how adorable and fun “Call Me Maybe” is, Jepsen’s true magnum opus is her 2015 album, EMOTION, and its bombastic opening track, “Run Away With Me.” 

The single is a masterclass in blending ‘80s flourishes with modern production. On the thunderous chorus, the EDM synths and roaring saxophone riff work in harmony with Jepsen’s passionate vocals to create pure pop bliss. Combined with the intimate verses, the single perfectly encapsulates that butterfly-feeling of a relationship’s honeymoon stage.

“Run Away With Me” is only one of many, many Jepsen singles that would’ve been #1 smashes in a perfect world. But the lack of chart success for this one especially hurt.

#13: “Formation” by Beyoncé (2016)

Where were you when “Formation” dropped? I bet you probably remember (I was writing an essay in my college’s library).

Sure, Beyoncé’s self-titled 2013 album is the surprise drop that gets all the attention. But “Formation” came out of nowhere too a few years later, and let’s be honest — it was much better. (side note: 4 is also much better than the self-titled)

Mike Will Made It’s beat for “Formation” incorporated some Texas twang into his trap-pop production — a fitting match for a Houston legend like Beyoncé. And Bey takes heat-check shot after heat-check shot here: declaring herself the next Bill Gates; casually dropping a “swag” ad lib and magically not sounding corny as hell; making a trip to a mediocre chain seafood restaurant sound like a cool post-sex reward.

It all works. And that’s because on “Formation,” Beyoncé was as untouchable and fearless as her cutthroat stans had always proclaimed her to be. The fact that it was the triumphant coda to one of the decade’s best pop albums just cements its legend.

#12: “Old Town Road (Remix)” by Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus (2019)

It’s the longest-running #1 hit in U.S. history. An unstoppable juggernaut that held titans like Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran and Drake from the top of the charts. And, oh yeah — it’s perfect.

There are probably a few party poopers out there who hate “Old Town Road.” I am not one of them. By 2019, pop’s grayscale, Post Malone-fueled gloom had gotten out of hand. Then out of nowhere, this teenage Nicki Minaj Twitter stan writes a goofy novelty song that’s both a parody of country clichés and a sincere celebration of the cowboy lifestyle. (It’s also the greatest country song ever written, and the entire city of Nashville can fight me on that.)

Lil Nas X has a pure charisma other artists would kill for, from his warbly, infectious chorus to his endlessly quotable verse (WRANGLER ON MY BOOTY!!). And pulling Billy Ray Cyrus away from Hannah Montana-funded retirement to drop a shockingly fire verse about living the luxury lifestyle in Beverly Hills? There’s no way this wouldn’t be one of my all-time favorites.

Sometimes, when it comes to predicting future classics, you’ve just got to trust the screaming elementary schoolers.

#11: “Midnight City” by M83 (2011)

“Midnight City” sounds like what Space Mountain feels like.

The decade’s best electronic song is so perfect as to be almost alien, yet also remarkably warm and human. And just when you thought the song couldn’t get better, the second-greatest sax solo of all time (only behind “Jungleland”) bursts out of the neon layers of synth.

M83 has a catalogue stuffed with stunning retro synthpop bangers. The fact that “Midnight City” towers above them all is a testament to the song’s sheer majesty.

#10: “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift (2012)

Yes, I’m aware that this is the obvious Taylor Swift pick for this list. But Swift’s literary masterwork, “All Too Well,” hits me too hard to deny it.

“All Too Well” is so packed with vivid details and intense emotional swings that it feels like more like a short story backed by arena-rock instrumentation more than a pop song. From her an abandoned scarf tucked in a drawer, to her ex’s mother embarrassing him with his dorky child photos, to the phone-call breakup that was “casually cruel in the name of being honest,” Swift didn’t leave anything out.

Coupled with her songwriting, Swift’s vocals also make “All Too Well” her pinnacle. She reaches into her upper register so rarely that it sends shivers whenever she does, like on the emphatic climax here. 

If it catches me in the right mood, Swift’s performance, the lilting guitars and cutting lyrics in “All Too Well” brings a few tears to my eyes. (Yes, really.) It’s only fitting that one of the greatest breakup anthems of all time is sung by a master of the artform.

#9: “Ivy” by Frank Ocean (2016)

I was very tempted to put Frank Ocean’s 10-minute synthpop epic “Pyramids” on the list instead. Make no mistake — if it wasn’t for my self-imposed one-song-per-artist rule, both it and “Ivy” would’ve placed highly.

But “Ivy” is a heart-stopper. It’s a fairly simple song, with just Ocean’s raw vocals playing off the languid guitars. To pull a song like this off, you have to be a double-threat, a genius lyrically and a stunning singer. Ocean fits that bill. 

“Ivy” is the decade’s greatest R&B song, a heartbreaking ode to a slowly crumbling relationship.

#8: “The Edge Of Glory” by Lady Gaga (2011)

Lady Gaga’s best songs hit you like a brick to the face. Gaga — the greatest pop star of the 21st century, don’t @ me — has plenty of pop bangers that do this, particularly on the wildly underrated Artpop (shoutout to the insane and insanely fun “G.U.Y.”). But arguably none of her singles provide as much maximalist pleasures as “The Edge Of Glory.”

The track reeks of trying too hard in the best way possible. Gaga reaches into her upper vocal register frequently, scratching her upper limits every time she reaches the chorus. The production is a messy-but-beautiful jumble of slamming synths and drum machines. And that Clarence Clemons sax solo — one of the last musical contributions he made before his death that same year — is just the icing on top of the gloriously sugary cake.

Gaga’s over-the-top synthpop from her early years isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But for someone like me, who wants pop to feel as massive and inescapable as humanly possible, “The Edge Of Glory” is still a towering high-water mark.

#7: “Pay No Mind” by Beach House (2018)

This spot could’ve been taken by any number of Beach House songs, the modern masters of dream-pop. “Space Song,” “Myth,” “Take Care” — the Baltimore duo honed in on a specific musical style and perfected it.

To me, “Pay No Mind” is the culmination of those years of Beach House subtly tinkering with their hazy, nocturnal sound. It’s like a gothic wedding slow-dance song: the right rhythm and with a romantic feel, but maybe a bit too gloomy for your grandparents. But regardless, “Pay No Mind” is breathtakingly beautiful, like seeing neon lights through the fog.

#6: “m.A.A.d. city” by Kendrick Lamar feat. MC Eiht (2012)

If you haven’t tried to memorize the nearly two-minute uninterrupted opening verse of “m.A.A.d. city,” were you even alive in the early ‘10s?

Kendrick Lamar has written many hip-hop epics in his career so far, but so far none have topped the semi-title track from his major label debut, good kid, m.A.A.d. city. In that concept album about Lamar’s teen years growing up amidst the gang warfare in Compton, “m.A.A.d city” marks the point where the gangsta dream shifts into a horrifying nightmare. 

The song is a blur of murder, violence and police sirens. Lamar sounds positively terrified on the track, his voice cracking while he confesses. And bringing on old-school rapper MC Eiht to play a veteran gang member snapping Lamar out of his haze was a brilliant move. “m.A.A.d city” is an exhilarating tour-de-force that proved how much raw talent, in both flow and storytelling, Lamar had.

#5: “Somebody Else” by The 1975 (2016)

If Vampire Weekend is the most important band of the early ‘10s, then The 1975 is the most important band of the rest of the decade. Their transformation from (really good!) simple pop-rock to tacking incredibly dark subject matter while successfully taste-testing their way through nearly every musical genre was unexpected. And brilliant, seeing as they pulled it off.

But The 1975′s best track is much less capital-I important than most of their epics about Trump or suicide or heroin — it’s a synthpop song about complicated post-breakup emotions. But “Somebody Else” earns its keep as the band’s pinnacle through sheer relatability. It nails that complicated feeling of being over someone...but not really. Or as lead singer Matty Healy puts it bluntly: “I don’t want your body/but I’m picturing your body with somebody else.”

The shuffling drum machine groove and icy synths complete a perfect song for wandering aimlessly at night, longing for a lost love. And although The 1975 might switch sounds endlessly in their career, their sweet spot will always be this moody ‘80s update.

#4: “TiK ToK” by Ke$ha (2010)

“TiK ToK” is still easily the peak of the 2009-12 pop golden age. It has a bit of everything you’d want in a single from that era: Gloriously grimy synths! An uber-catchy chorus with plenty of demands to party! And of course, a charismatic and unforgettable star who can deliver the song. I don’t think anyone would argue Ke$ha fit that role to a T.

When “TiK ToK” first arrived around the turn of the decade, I couldn’t stand it. I thought it was too sleazy. Nearly 10 years later, Ke$ha’s performative sleaziness is exactly what makes this song so fun. Yeah, the hook is bulletproof and the production is buzzy. But Ke$ha’s slurred, drunken delivery and ridiculous lines are what have kept “TiK ToK” in the public consciousness. She single-handedly made P. Diddy and especially Mick Jagger relevant again. She made brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels seem cool (and not insanely nasty, like it actually is). Every single ridiculous line, sung through Ke$ha’s fake valley girl accent, is a gem.

I can understand how someone wouldn’t like the unfiltered debauchery and greasiness of “TiK ToK.” But to me, that’s the entire charm of it, and what makes it stand out amongst a sea of similarly-minded club jams from its era.

#3: “Runaway” by Kanye West feat. Pusha-T (2010)

I was going to ask all of you to forget about Kanye West’s recent stumbles, be it his association with Donald Trump or his insistence that slavery was a choice. But the power of “Runaway” is that it is a semi-apology from a man who knows he’s deeply flawed. Every one of Kanye’s gaffes and terrible decisions makes “Runaway” even more relevant today.

But “Runaway” was originally a response to Kanye’s infamous “Imma let you finish” rant at the 2009 VMAs, where he interrupted Taylor Swift. The song basically operates as a semi-apology to the world for being, as he puts it, a douchebag. An asshole. A scumbag. A jerkoff. He’s somewhat bragging about his misdeeds, while sheepishly asking for forgiveness.

And yet, it’s an extremely vulnerable song. The bridge — “I guess that you’re at an advantage/Cause you can blame me for everything/And I don’t know how Imma manage/If one day you just up and leave” — initially feels like something Kanye is saying to a lover. But really, he’s saying it to all of us. And it’s arguably the most moving moment in his whole career.

#2: “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk feat. Pharrell and Nile Rodgers (2013)

Don’t think about it too hard, folks. 

Considering that Daft Punk are the greatest dance-music artists of all time, it only makes sense that they’d dip their toes into disco and absolutely KILL it. And that’s all “Get Lucky” is. Two French masters making their grand comeback by recruiting one of funk’s finest guitarists and one of the 2000s’ most charismatic vocal presences. 

“Get Lucky” will be a wedding dance staple until the sun explodes. And it deserves that status. It’s a flawless dance track. Just embrace the groove.

#1: “Archie, Marry Me” by Alvvays (2014)

My favorite song of the 2010s wasn’t a part of some major trend. It wasn’t particularly influential. It doesn’t have any profound meaning, and it didn’t try to tackle a major event. “Archie, Marry Me” just happens to be the greatest indie pop song ever written.

Every little aspect of Toronto band Alvvays’ debut single works, from the surf-y guitars to lead singer Molly Rankin’s monotone-yet-yearning vocals. With its lo-fi ramshackle charm and monster hook, “Archie, Marry Me” is all you could want in a dream-pop single. It even has the nice touch of echoing a Neil Young classic in the chorus.

The whole intention of this list — as it is with any of my year-end lists — is simply to measure which songs made me the happiest; which songs never wore out on me. And no single this decade puts a bigger smile on my face than “Archie, Marry Me.” It’s simple, achingly romantic (in a Wes Anderson-esque half-ironic way, but still), and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

[irkimatsu]

This is probably the closest I’ve ever cut it, but here it is! My final thoughts on this year’s Eurovision entries!

I’m a little antsy about getting to see it this year. You know that post I made about having off on Tuesday and Thursday? Apparently my schedule’s getting changed, and now I don’t know. And I’m not gonna know about Saturday until Monday – I could easily be in work for the entire final. Here’s hoping adult obligations don’t keep me from my Europop! (And that I don’t even have this job this time next year, although my ideal job would probably keep me away from both semis… eh, win some lose some.)

I tried to find a sorter so I could rank these more thoroughly, because I’m bad at doing that by hand, but I didn’t find one, so I’ll be doing my usual thing of listing alphabetically by country and sorting each song into categories. My categories are thus:

Favorite: My number one pick for the year! Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean the song I think is objectively, artistically best, or even a song I think is going to escape the semi – this is just the song I get the most enjoyment out of. You’ll see why I felt the need to clarify that in a bit.

Love: If I ranked these, these would get the 2nd – 5th spots. I adore these songs, and would be more than happy to see any of them win.

Like: Didn’t quite make the top 5, but I still enjoy them a lot, and don’t want them getting booted out of the semi.

Okay: Nothing objectionable, but doesn’t mean much to me personally. I get a little bit of joy when I listen to it, then it fades immediately after.

Indifferent: I don’t care for this song at all; it’s just not in a style that means anything to me. If I still can’t remember how it goes after two months, that’s a bad sign.

What: This song’s existence confuses me too much to give it a proper placement.

Biased: My opinion on this song is based on factors that have nothing to do with its intent. (aka the “song reminded me of fandom” category. Haven’t used this in a while. Good to see its return!)

Yet again, the “Hate” category has been cut, since nothing actively gets on my nerves for the second year in a row! (…except one, maybe, but that one has enough background info that… well, you’ll know when you get to it.) Songs in “Like”, “Okay”, and “Indifferent” are prone from shifting up or down one within that range depending on how I’m feeling that day; “Favorite”, “Love”, “What”, and “Biased” are locked.

Ranking under the cut!

Albania: “Ktheju tokës” by Jonida Maliqi – I can feel the effort going into this one, but… nah, not my thing. It’s so rare for me to be invested in an Albanian entry, huh? Sorry, guys. Indifferent.

Armenia: “Walking Out” by Srbuk – I don’t know how to describe my feelings on this one, unfortunately, but I do really Like it. Maybe it’s the head-held-high attitude that has me interested?

Australia: “Zero Gravity” by Kate Miller-Heidke – If this doesn’t have a completely batshit performance, I’m gonna be so disappointed. Her voice is certainly impressive! But overall I’m going for an Okay on this one. It’s fine, but I think the stage show is going to outshine the actual song.

Austria: “Limits” by PÆNDA – Oof, this one is so close, yet so far. It reminds me of some artist I listen to a lot, though I can’t place it… but it just seems… thin? If it had something else to it, it could have really been something, but as it stands it doesn’t leave much impact. Indifferent, and that feels like such a waste. Good vocals, maybe if it had better music. (Then again, maybe the sparseness is the point… but if that’s the point it’s not for me)

Azerbaijan: “Truth” by Chingiz – I dunno, I just really like the imagery here, of a man arguing with himself about a relationship that he knows is damaging, but it’s just so much easier to deny it. I particularly like the “Shut up about it!” element, adds to the self-argument thing. I love the concept, and as a song it’s not half bad, either. Like!

Belarus: “Like It” by ZENA – Oh, fuck yeah! A good way to tell if I’m going to enjoy a song – are people insulting it by saying it sounds 15 – 20 years out of date? If so, then it’s probably exactly my jam! It’s such a fun song I can’t help but dance to, and sometimes that’s all I really need. I don’t just like it, I Love it! (oh that was terrible)

Belgium: “Wake Up” by Eliot – It’s a nice beat! But I don’t think it really stands out among the competition. It’s fair enough, there’s just so many other songs I like better than it this year. Okay.

Croatia: “The Dream” by Roko – OH MY GOD WHAT IS HE WEARING. Indifferent, this is not a good song, but god damn I am so looking forward to the stage show, this is going to be the cheesiest shit

Cyprus: “Replay” by Tamta – This sounds a lot like last year’s “Fuego”. This is mostly a good thing! I loved “Fuego”! But the repetition does slightly knock its chances to land in my top 5. Still a firm Like, though.

Czech Republic: “Friend of A Friend” by Lake Malawi – It’s not easy to follow up on the sheer campiness of last year’s “Lie to Me”, but Lake Malawi put forward their best effort, and I appreciate it highly! The song’s pure, campy fun that gets stuck in my head every time I listen to it. Like! …though I tend to overthink the lyrics. What, they hear someone fucking in the next apartment and the singer’s first instinct is to swear she’s only a friend? Jumping the gun a bit much there, dude? =P

Denmark: “Love Is Forever” by Leonora – It’s a really cute song, and I appreciate all the language changes. But realizing what it’s actually about it what landed it in Like – at first I thought it was just a love song, but then I realized the call for peace and optimism and it hit me in the fuzzies. I know the political, Important songs usually irritate the cheese out of me, but I feel like this one actually put effort into the music, rather than trying to ride on their message to guilt trip a vote out of you. I admit it’d probably be in the lower range of Like if I actually ranked these properly, but it really is a good song!

Estonia: “Storm” by Victor Crone – I love how this one gradually transitions from a country song to an EDM song; I always miss the exact part where it does it, it just flows so well. The optimistic lyrics are up my alley, too. It’s a really good one, and I hope it does well! Like!

Finland: “Look Away” by Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman – As a huge 90’s/2000’s European electronica fan who teethed on “Sandstorm” back when no one really knew what an Internet meme was, I nearly shat myself when I heard Darude was going to be representing Finland this year. I have no idea who Sebastian Rejman is, but after this song, I’m gonna have to look into him! This song has such a powerful beat that hits right in my gut, exactly what I love from my music. Firm Love!

France: “Roi” by Bilal Hassani – It’s a cute little thing that I can’t help but appreciate on some level! I think it’s just an Okay for balance purposes, but it creeps into Like on occasion. Also I find the singer weirdly cute. I dunno, as a package it’s just endearing!

Georgia: “Sul tsin iare” by Oto Nemsade – I can hear the passion in his voice, but… no, this isn’t for me at all. People who have read my Eurovision posts before know by now that slow + non-English tends to equal a death knell for me. Sorry, stupid American coming through. Indifferent.

Germany: “Sister” by S!sters – I hate the artist name so much, let me get that out of the way right now. As for the song itself… I don’t think I’d care for it at all if I didn’t have an association with it, but, well, here I am – this song is so, so easy to assign to the Hikawa twins from Bang Dream. Sisters in constant competition who don’t want to be? That’s their entire arc. Admittedly that’s mostly on Sayo’s part, which kind of ruins the duet aspect, but… damn it, if I can’t imagine them singing this together and playing their guitars while members of their bands provide the rest of the accompaniment, what’s the point of living? I’m going Biased on this one.

Greece: “Better Love” by Katerine Duska – I have no idea why I’m having such a hard time clicking with this song, but it’s just not working for me. I’m sure it’s objectively good, but it doesn’t do a damn thing for me. Indifferent.

Hungary: "Az én apám" by Joci Pápai – A returning artist from 2017! Too bad I didn’t care too much then and I really don’t care now. Just like Georgia, this just isn’t my style, and no amount of objective appreciation can fix the sad fact that songs like this always sink to the bottom of the pile for me. Indifferent.

Iceland: "Hatrið mun sigra" by Hatari  – …right. Oh boy. Okay. Look, when I first heard there was gonna be an industrial song in this year’s Eurovision, I was fucking pumped. This was one of the two songs I looked into before properly listening to the finished playlist, along with Finland. I’m not always into industrial music, but when it’s good, it’s fucking awesome! I started it up, heard the music, was so ready for this to be a real contender…

…aaaaand then the vocals started up. I don’t think this is just “I don’t like industrial growling”, they really do sound quite bad. I still love the instrumental, and the chorus is nice, too… but those verses. No.

And then I looked up those edgelord lyrics, and started hearing stuff about the band, and I am 110% convinced this is a troll song, firmly destined for the What category. This is what you send to Eurovision to let everyone know how much you hate Eurovision. I figured it had no chance of getting out of the semi, at least partially because of the feeling that if it does, the band will feel like they failed.

…but I keep seeing it rank high on others’ lists, so… I have no fucking clue what to expect from this one!

Ireland: “22” by Sarah McTernan – It’s pleasant! But that’s about it. I used to listen to folksy stuff like this as a kid, so I guess there’s some nostalgia for it… but I haven’t been into it in a long time. Low Okay.

Israel: “Home” by Kobi Marimi – I often hear jokes about how winning countries will send non-impacting garbage just so they don’t have to host the Contest two years in a row, and songs like this are exactly why I believe them. There’s nothing wrong with it, the singer’s voice might even be good, but as a whole package it’s just so boring. It feels like it’s so much longer than three minutes – such a slog to get through. Indifferent.

Italy: “Soldi” by Mahmood – Oh, I really like this one! The “come va” bit always burrows itself in my head, and I do respect how personal it seems to the singer, with the blending of cultures. (I know I don’t always respect the personal aspect, but I love when “personal” doesn’t have to mean “bland-ass acoustic guitar ballad”.) Like!

Latvia: “That Night” by Carousel – One for the bin of “I can’t remember how this goes”. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just so forgettable. I’m trying to find something about it that stands out to me, but… nah, it’s just mush. Indifferent.

Lithuania: “Run With The Lions” by Jurij Veklenko – Even more mush. I can remember bits of it, at least, but the bits I remember don’t mean anything to me. Indifferent.

Macedonia: “Proud” by Tamara Todevska – I know I normally crap on ballads, but… I think I heard this song at a time I really needed to. I love the self-acceptance message, as corny and played out as it can be. I Like this one, it’s sweet.

Malta: “Chameleon” by Michela – This came so, so close to my top 5! I really do love the hell out of it! Such a good walking song. Like, but could have so easily been a Love if not for its competition.

Moldova: “Stay” by Anna Odobescu – Oh no. This is the first year I haven’t been head-over-heels in love with the Moldovan entry, and I feel like such a jerk about it. They finally decide to take themselves seriously and send something with a lot of passion! …and all I can do is sit here disappointed! I’m sorry! Low Okay for the “objectively great, I’m sure, but not my genre” thing. I know a lot of people love it, but I don’t think I would have cared for it from any country, and it being Moldova is just disappointing for me. They can of course do whatever they want, and good for them if it works out, but let me pout in peace

Montenegro: “Heaven” by D mol – This is the most I’ve ever unironically liked a Montenegrin song since I started watching the Contest in 2014, as cold as a compliment that is. It’s cute! But cute is really all it has going for it. I’m going with Okay, though that’s mainly from comparing it to everything else I’ve heard from Montenegro; if another country sent this, it could have easily landed lower.

Netherlands: “Arcade” by Duncan Laurence – I don’t get it. I know a lot of people have been heaping praise on this… but I don’t get it, and I feel like the arcade metaphor is insanely cheesy for the mood it’s going for. I can’t take it as seriously as it seems to want me to. Indifferent.

Norway: “Spirit In The Sky” by KEiiNO – I adore this song. Great music, great imagery, I feel like it’s gonna be a good stage show! The joiking took me a bit to get used to, but once I did, I do feel it adds a lot to the song. I cannot wait to see this song performed! Love! In a better world where I have taste, this song would be my Favorite, and even as it stands I’m pretty sure it’s my favorite song that has a chance in hell of actually winning. But as for my actual Favorite… we’ll get to that later.

Poland: “Fire Of Love (Pali Sie)” by Tulia – Little confession for those who were around in 2014 – I regret choosing “We Are Slavic” as my favorite song back then. I admit that I wasn’t really taking the Contest seriously and was somewhat choosing based on meme potential. Whoops. But the good news is, this song proves that I wasn’t entirely going on meme potential. We’re taking traditional Polish singing far more seriously this time, and I still like it! It’s a unique little song that stands out in a good way, and I love the shout singing. I’ve heard complaints about it, but I got used to it right away. Maybe because I’ve been listening to shouty rave stuff for such a long time? I’m used to this style of singing, and pleased to hear it working with a more traditional musical backdrop. Like!

Portugal: "Telemóveis" by Conan Osiris – Haaaaaa oh my god what the fuck. By all rights, this should be dumped in the “What” category and never talked about again… but this weird little song charmed me somehow. I have a bad history with never remembering Portugal’s entries, with them making so little of an impression on me that I always forget if they skipped 2016 or if their entry that year was just that boring. And as weird as it is, I don’t feel like it’s quite strange enough for me to dump it in the same category that I tend to reserve for unapologetic camp. So, you know what, for breathing some bizarre life into a country I wrote off a long time ago, I’m giving it an Okay. I flirted with the idea of putting it in Like just by comparison with everything else the country has sent, but that implies I actually want to see this in the final, and I’m not gonna go that far.

Romania: “On A Sunday” by Ester Peony – By sound, I think it’s just an Okay, but a respectably placed one. I do like it more than, say, Ireland or Moldova. But I’ve been listening to it a lot recently… mainly for shipping reasons. (JyushiHomu, for the curious.) But I also decided it was a fine song even before I made that connection, so I don’t think it belongs in Biased? I may be shooting low on this one because I’m afraid of my shipping goggles impairing my judgment. Maybe it really is a low Like, I don’t know. I’ll leave it here. It’s a nice song!

Russia: “Scream” by Sergey Lazarev – Oh, man, I was so hyped to see that Sergey was back! “You Are The Only One” was my favorite entry from 2016, and I’ve listened to his English Best Of thousands of times!

…so imagine my surprise to hear that it’s a ballad. Keep in mind my usual tastes in music, and my other favorite Sergey songs – “Take It Off”, “Stumblin’”, “In My Lonely Life”. I love him for the fun club nonsense. I’m shallow, I know. But then I managed to shake off my biases and listen to “Scream” for what it is and not just what it could be, and… yeah, it’s a good song. Sergey’s got good producers and a great voice. It’s still a Like. But I feel like if they gave this song to someone I didn’t recognize, it’d land lower.

Not like the other competitor here who’s returning from 2016…

San Marino: “Say Na Na Na” by Serhat – Oh hell yeah. When I first saw that Serhat was back, after I stopped laughing, I clicked it fully expecting some camp bait to throw at Karamatsu, drop in the What category, and spend the next two months gleefully taking the piss out of.

…that is not what happened. Instead, I instantly fell in love with it. Serhat may not make a convincing Casanova, but he sure as hell knows how to party! This feels ripped right from a 2000’s Europop act that leans on disco energy, and that is exactly my type of thing. I’m so sad that this is probably going to get stuck in the semi, because I am so wildly in love with it. I can’t believe that out of the two returning artists from 2016, I fell in love with Serhat, not Sergey! Instant Favorite, I accept my place as the only person in the world who actually wants to see this win. Party energy, optimistic lyrics, how am I supposed to put this below anything else?

Still throwing it at Kara, though

Serbia: “Kruna” by Nevena Božović – Remember what I said about songs I forget the instant they end? Yeah, this is one of ‘em. I just can’t think of anything to say here. Indifferent.

Slovenia: “Sebi” by Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl – Kinda reminds me of a forgettable t.A.t.U album track. That’s not really a high compliment. I do like the vocals, but it’s one of those songs I can appreciate in the moment but don’t really seek out actively. Okay, and a low one at that.

Spain: “La Venda” by Miki – Just typing the title for this one is making me want to party! God this is a fun one to listen to. Party song about not being a bigoted dick! What’s not to Love? Looking forward to an entertaining stage show on this one!

Sweden: “Too Late For Love” by John Lundvik –  …you know that feeling when you think you should really love a song more than you do? There’s nothing wrong with it, I actually do almost like it… but I don’t seem to adore it like so many other people do, and I feel like a jerk about it. Okay because I don’t love it as much as everyone else does, but I won’t be upset to see it perform well. I don’t know what it is that isn’t resonating with me! I’m sorry! It’d probably get a Like if I wasn’t being influenced by other rankings!

Switzerland: “She Got Me” by Luca Hänni – Oh, this is a nice, fun little thing. I think I like it for a lot of the same reasons I like “Friend of A Friend”. It just sounds like the people recording it are having such a good time! Like!

United Kingdom: “Bigger Than Us” by Michael Rice – Nope, sorry. Grand ballad, yay, good for it, not my thing at all, nothing that stands out. Indifferent.

SUMMARY:

Favorite

San Mario

Love

Belarus

Finland

Norway

Spain

Like

Armenia

Azerbaijan

Cyprus

Czech Republic

Denmark

Estonia

France

Italy

Macedonia

Malta

Poland

Russia

Switzerland

Okay

Australia

Belgium

Ireland

Moldova

Montenegro

Portugal

Romania

Slovenia

Sweden

Indifferent

Albania

Austria

Croatia

Georgia

Greece

Hungary

Israel

Latvia

Lithuania

Netherlands

Serbia

United Kingdom

What

Iceland

Biased

Germany

[hopelesschromantic]

2017 Songs of My Year

2017 was traumatic for everyone, wasn’t it? And I was no exception. I learned a lot about myself in 2017, formed new relationships and suffered some collateral damage along the way.

In a way, this list is more personal than the years since I started this tradition in 2010, maybe in part because 2017 cut me deeper than a lot of years I’ve had. The highs were high, the lows were real low, and the learning curve was steep indeed.

January 

Frankie Knuckles, I’ll Take You There (ft. Jamie Principle)

The night of January 1, 2017, I sat in a loose state of undress on my living room floor, high and over-warm, in a state of mounting, spiraling dread. We listened to a Frankie Knuckles Boiler Room on Youtube and I struggled to find to words to explain that, eleven days after tying the knot, I knew something was very wrong and I didn’t know how to put it right. I missed my family at the ceremony. I missed the ocean. I missed feeling healthy and vital; the disease in my gut and the medication for it was already starting to exact a brutal toll on me. I missed not feeling afraid. Trump was about to be inaugurated. Christmas vacation was already over and the post-holiday and party slump was hitting me hard. The only thing that soothed me in those late hours were the synesthetic sunshine yellow chords from Frankie Knuckles promising that maybe it wasn’t as bad as I feared.

February

Just Us, Cloudbusting

February was a slight upturn with only patches of stomach churning horror and my mind turned to future training and projects as I took on new challenges at work and tried to ignore the continued dread that seeped into the edges of my life. The best thing about February was undoubtedly taking a trip to Edmonton to see one of my best friends, Eric. A dark mood hung over me that I couldn’t disguise but this old and faithful cover of one of my favorite Kate Bush songs buoyed me during the schlep from Saskatoon to Edmonton. Like the sun coming out, I just know that something good is going to happen echoes the audacious, sparkling optimism of the Frankie Knuckles track above. Despite the reality that it wasn’t *just us* I sang along to this song like a mantra. Just us, just us. Bust those clouds open and let in the sun.

March 

Goldfrapp, Ocean

I opened the month by drunkenly having sex with someone I shouldn’t while I was blacked out and the self-sabotage only continued. I learned I was capable of twisting myself in knots to belong, just like I’d done as a little girl and later a teenager. Don’t leave me behind. Take me with you. Once a passenger, always a passenger. As I fell for someone who never cared for me, I found myself unable to sleep, in a constant state of panic and dread, waiting for a confrontation I knew would never come, all the while terrified I would be quietly edged out of my own life, replaced by someone who didn’t even want my life. The intensity I felt was misdirected at the woman who became the object of my fascination, not because of anything about her but because of the lengths I’d go to participate in my own life as it went further off the rails. No boundaries. Let your love consume you and burn you to the wick. 

Goldfrapp’s “Ocean” reminds me of both the woman and myself; I’m the titular ocean, vast and mercurial and she’s the narrator of the song, the people collector, the one who wouldn’t lie. But of course she would.

April

Yaeji, Passionfruit

April was more tranquil, for me at least. I’ve learned I overcome pain and humiliation quickly, and that’s a blessing at least. This tranquil remix of Drake’s Passionfruit played a lot during the month of April, with it’s cold lyrical indictments, muted vocals, deep, ebbing beats, all delivered in distant, minimal space. It echoed my emotions well. Numb, healing, detached. I still hadn’t felt the return of my sense of safety, the seismic sense that my love life and my health could change at any moment would stay with me for months to come.

May 

Joe Goddard, Music is the Answer

By May I had enough distance from the misery of March and April that I could catch my breath. My world had shrunk over the past few years and I felt a powerful need to expand it, to connect with people outside my small circle, with the hopes of establishes more people in my life who wouldn’t take my energy and warmth for granted, people who wouldn’t be compelled to compare me unfavorably to my partner. I was missing the kind of intimacy that comes from having someone in your life beyond your partner, people who care deeply about you and is warm and caring and intimate. May was a month of burgeoning connections and false starts, like a false spring, but a spring nonetheless. Joe Goddard’s video heightens the track, the lost war satellite in search of its target, not unlike my nascent forays into finding a connection to someone far, far away.

June 

Kaityn Aurelia Smith, An Intention

In June we went to Calgary to visit one of my best friends, Alan, and managed to see Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith at Studio Bell, a cavernous and breathtaking cathedral of music in Calgary’s East Village. KAS stood in front of us with her analogue synth and her trippy light show and for the length of her show I was suspended in this psychedelic pastoral wetland, all shimmering tadpoles and dividing cells. I came away from the experience euphoric, feeling like I’d transcended something immense, learned important secrets of creation.

July 

Brandon Flowers, Never Get You Right

I revisited this song when I was feel particularly alone as my attempts to connect to different people around me crumbled before me and I heard some bad reviews of my behavior through the grapevine. Was it worth it, trying to be known and understood? Is that all I wanted? Or was I asking for too much? Was there anyone I could connect with enough that I trusted their review or was I really at sea? They’ll turn you into something whether you are it or not. Yes of course, a worthwhile reminder that this misunderstanding, this feeling of being unknowable and isolated isn’t particular to me but instead a universal.

August 

Carly Rae Jepson, Cut to the Feeling

August long weekend started with one of my best friends Chris coming to Saskatoon. We had an amazing time, the highlight of which was Brock’s DJ set at Pink. CRJ reminds me of Chris and when Brock played this song, the room lit up and I had the rare and glorious feeling that I was in exactly the right place at exactly the right time.

September

Galantic - Hey Alligator

It’s sugary and gay and over the top as all Galantis is want to be but this song soundtracked the last of lonely Saturday nights at home, flitting about the kitchen cooking or chatting up veritable strangers on the internet, which was not ultimately a particularly gay activity but this track makes me feel like the last word in gay. Some of the relationships I’d formed online at that time had started to go septic and I started wondering what it was about me that lead me to seek out such unsatisfying and ultimately destructive connections. My introspection started with this song and continued over the coming months.

October

Shura, White Light

If I had a single song that spoke to my personal process and internal conflict this year, it was this one. Morgan put me on to it, indeed put it on me, and I became addicted to it, playing it literally dozens of times and in every mood. Shura’s sweet, breathy voice purrs intimately on the track while electropop burbles around her. Her lyrics speak to a blinding intensity, a seductive and almost alien nature or for my purposes a fictive personality manufactured to elicit validation but ultimately flimsy. But at the same time I felt like a part of me that had never been properly seen was given space to flourish. Intense and intimate, this aspect of myself could give with abandon because the people I was giving to were many miles away, sometimes on different continents, a safe distance for my heart and body and real life, practically in space. You're from another planet/And I'd like you to take me there/You can fly your alien spaceship

November 

Miguel, Told You So 

November swam by so quickly. In the first couple weeks Eric came to visit completely by surprise and we had the most ideal, chill time and I’ve been craving it ever since.

Miguel’s War and Leisure is without a doubt one of my favorite albums of the year and Told You So was my favorite track. The song is pure romance, sunlight, promises of fantasy and romance and escape and yet we from Miguel that the video for this track is a protest video, shot in the desert, missiles falling in the sky just as others launch. There’s an air of dread and voyeurism to the video, meant to refer to the political world in the Trump era but it felt true of my life too. Did I really understand all the changes I’d undergone in 2017? For good and for ill? The practice I’d had setting boundaries but also the increasing social anxiety? The strain that living more truthfully had put on my closest relationships? 

December

Sasha ft. Poliça, Out of Time

I don’t usually have much to say to trance as a musical genre but this track is a common thread throughout my 2017. Brock played this track to great appreciation at the rainy and isolated little Solstice Festival back in June and reprised it, mostly for me, at a miserable, failing Saskatoon club called Eclipse in the first week of December. 

This track is airy, cavernous, with juicy, acidy beats throughout and Channy Leaneagh’s throaty, disembodied voice haunting the track. Yes, we are out of time. Out of time for Christmas. Out of time to change, to do better in 2017. Time moves so much faster than I handle and it scares me.

Song of the Year: 

The 1975, Somebody Else

I’ve listened to this song with all my friends, Brock and Morgan most of all. Definitely most played in 2017. 

Ignore if you want the three minute Lynchian introduction that carries on from where Change of Heart leaves off, but I can’t. Twin Peaks was a part of my year and the Lynch references with the doppelgangers and rabbits on the wall were impossible to ignore. Matty Healy splits himself into twos, threes, fours, and more as he mourns what he’s lost and revels in self-pity, excess and self-destruction. It all seems terribly familiar.

In the video for this track, Matty Healy wanders through the ugly concrete cityscape that I think is Manchester, surrounded by green-blue twilight, neon lights, reflective surfaces and gathering storms. He undersings all but the bridges, were his gently screwed and chopped voice hits registers beyond his range, translating on the track to keen and visceral pining interspersed with chilly ambivalence--my entire process of untangling my mind, my desires from someone else’s. 

Over the course of the song I lose track of Matty Healy’s gender and orientation, mostly because he invites it, but in that moment it’s easy for me to assume his perspective--something I usually find impossible in bands with guitars fronted by men. In that moment I’m thinking about who I am with and without love in my life, how I choose to define myself in and outside of relationships and my role in shaping them. This year has seen huge growth and painful realizations for my heart and head but the way forward is through.

[riddleraahauge2-blog]

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Practically, GarageBand turns your Mac computer in to a songs synthesizer-- one capable of participating in purely artificial audios as well as simulating actual musical instruments including pianos, various other keyboards, guitars, drums, basses, vocals, and instrumental equipments. Today Kate has to locate all of them and convince all of them to give her their time traveling tricks so she may stop her Grandpas wicked strategy. Unless the TELEVISION loudness is actually up too loud or even others in the room are actually communicating, the PlayStation Video camera will certainly usually identify your words. Angry Birds Pals (cost-free), as the headline advises, is the social spinoff from the collection: Instead of participate in solely to obtain all the superstars, you'll review your ratings versus those of your Facebook buddies, and complete in regular leaderboard competitors. The remedy is to utilize Opportunity Equipment's non-obvious attribute for searching different Time Machine travels. Although Opportunity Maker had not been the initial backup software program coming from Apple, that is actually probably safe to say it's the very first major application from its own kind the company has actually created. But its setting as well as skillfully developed challenges make this well worth seeking out for challenge supporters - particularly if you've a bigger Android tool to use. Having actually put together the checklist of metropolitan areas, including the city from the appointment's lot or even coordinator, the customer hints the moment button to begin planning. My Scene VM is actually 26 GB, not something I want to have various copies of within the moment Equipment store. Fascinatingly good enough, this is actually right now just about 4 1/2 years later as well as Pandora still requires Flash to be put in. The construct 'em up sensation works remarkably properly on Android, due to the inventor from the pc initial putting in the time to do it compensation. There are actually a couple of wide arrays to decide on; generally they are cards you could dip into different points in the game to either have an opponent income aspect of some amount of money you owe, or enable you to have a part of amount of money they won. I truly obtained a feel for the moment duration and I particularly enjoyed the portion of the account focused around Franz Ferdinand's check out to Sarajevo. A lot more features are actually being actually built, all in the passion from producing TimeTag the opened opportunity sheet application for the iPad. I have no suggestion why, but I presumed that the rear of this book mentioned that a time device seemed in Leo's space and also he had to go back on time as a result of something to perform along with his grandpa. http://farbendergesundheit.info/chocolite-bewertungen-preis-apotheke-preis-bewertungen-forum-aktionen/ -than-expected billing opportunity could be actually because, at 0%, the watch still has its own restricted time-checking Electrical power Reserve condition to go. http://farbendergesundheit.info/ had actually demanded the watch when it and also entered this exclusive method, so that theoretically had some juice delegated to it. That is actually certainly not all good news though, as the Z Play does not provide excellent efficiency as well as its own electronic camera is a little weaker. Hell, that may also play online video as evidenced by mosting likely to/ TestTube as well as allowing it. A minimum of for audio and also video clip, Flash is actually irrelevant in the most up-to-date HTML procedure. For example, that's perhaps the situation if you utilize a client-server back-up body, such as EMC Symbol' s $129 Review Desktop computer 6.1 ( ), to hold your data backups on a system hosting server that's unsuitable for Time Machine. Baseding upon the 5fingersbundle internet site, the Five Fingers Activity Package is actually merely accessible at the the App Establishment for a limited opportunity. The volume from activities you'll must work at in Mysteries of your time is rather impressive. But over that exact same volume of your time, you also know only how typically you'll come to a lot better appreciate a video game and comprehend once the sound has waned and you've possessed opportunity to play it again. You could utilize the alternative to Specify Opportunity Region Immediately Making use of Existing Site, however this demands a Web connection. Whenever I involve a brand new piece of media, I almost always arrive with some preconceptions and desires.

[ravenwitch45]

Yesssssss! So true!

If cis people are allowed to love their bodies and be "conceited" without it being a commentary on their existence, so can trans people.

I am allowed to love my body. I am allowed to love the parts of me that make me feel good about me. Just like some cis men, I like my body hair. I like my voice more. I like having a flat chest when I bind. I like when I feel good packing. It is literally me loving a body that I have so often felt alienated and isolated by and from. My body is a good body. My body is a trans body. And trans bodies are good bodies.