#......am i being greedy and selfish to want more than what I've gotten...?.

[lucyvaleheart]

.

[animeyanderelover]

I've seen prompt 88 and immediatly think Ash! If you don't mind, can you write it?

Yes, of course!

Warnings: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, paranoia, delusions kidnapping

Prompt 88: “I’m sorry that I keep you in here. But you’re too pure and innocent. I’m scared that this world will break you. I’m only protecting you.”

“Please Ash! I want to get out of here! I want to see my family again! And my friends! It’s been so long since I’ve had contact with other people...” Your voice became a quiet hush during the last sentence, feeling yourself getting more and more exhausted. How you hated this place. How you hated being a hostage in this little palace Ash had made for you. How you hated being Ash’s little darling which he wanted to spoil and protect from the outside world. And all of this whilst telling you that he just was too terrified to lose the only pure human he had ever met in his life. You didn’t even think of yourself as that pure. You weren’t someone really bad, but you also weren’t someone you would think of as perfect. You had lied in your past, you had done some pretty stupid things and you had also been violent a few times before. And you weren’t really religious either. There were people you could think who appeared to be much more fitting for this title. But at this point you would have accepted everyone else being stuck in this person who wasn’t you. Another thing that didn’t make you think you were as pure as he told you too. You were selfish and sometimes even greedy. So what exactly made you so much more innocent from all the others?

By now you were just sitting on the bed, your knees being pressed against your stomach and your head burried in them. You wanted to get out. You felt like becoming sick if you would be stuck in this house for much more longer. You just wanted to get out. “Please Ash...”, you begged quietly and if it wouldn’t have been for the silence surrounding the both of you, he wouldn’t have been able to hear you. The whole time he had just been standing in front of the door, wanting to prevent you from storming out of the room. The windows were already locked up, Ash not wanting you to have any way to leave your “home”. You remembered still clearly what had happened when you had actually managed to take a step outside this place. Ash had gone into a frantic and lunatic mode, instantly dragging you back and blabbering something from “not bearing the thought that this rotten world could ruin you” and “needing to clean this place up for your sake”. He was normally a calm and composed man around you, but in that moment his facade had broken for a short moment and he had revealed his true self. A maniac through and through. Only after locking everything up, cleaning you completely up and checking for any injuries on you and not finding anything he had calmed down a bit. And then? He had cried. Tears had been rolling down his face whilst he had told you in a voice filled with fear, worry and passion that you shouldn’t do something like this again. You were so fragile. You were like a beautiful flower, beautiful, but also so easy to be destroyed. And that’s why he wanted to keep you safe. And if he wouldn’t be able to protect you as your guardian angel, then what was he good for anyways?

You heard suddenly the parquet creaking, telling you that Ash was stepping to the bed. What did he want to do now? Oh wait. You knew what would come now. Him telling you that he just wanted to keep you safe. Him comforting you and promising to get you everything you wanted. Him sweet talking to you and promising you as soon as he had cleaned the world he would let you out again. The same old story like always. And you knew better than screaming at him or cursing, struggling and yelling. Ash would never hurt you, you knew that. He would rather lose some limbs than doing that. But the thing was that you would only hurt your mouth like this because he never got mad at you. So by the end of your shouting seesions he would just coo at you and you would just be exhausted. No matter what you had tried, he had always adored you for whatever action you had made. You had once even tried to hurt him. And he hadn’t done anything. Instead he had just told you that if you thought he deserved it because he had upset you in some way you had all right to do it. You had gotten chills in that moment, stepping horrified back. He saw you as someone higher than him, someone who deserved to have fulfilled every wish they had. And he was ready to do whatever it takes to fulfill your wishes.

“(y/n). My queen/king.” There he went again with this calm and charming voice of his. You just tried to make yourself even smaller, curling yourself more up. You didn’t want to hear this shit again. “That’s so unfair, you know? Being stuck in this place for god knows how long and not being able to step out again. You say you want to make me happy? You say that you want to fulfill me my every wish? Then please, let me out of here.” You squeezed your eyes tightly, feeling tears of frustration gather in the corner of your eyes. But you didn’t want to cry. Not in front of him. You were scared of his reaction if he would see you cry. What if he would went into his maniac mode again and would hurt himself for upsetting you? He had done it a few times before. And the knowledge that he was ready to do this for you was downright terrifying. You hadn’t asked for this. Never had you wanted this. But now you were stuck too deeply in this mess to ever get out again. Not like he would ever let you leave him anyways. You were a bird in a cage. With all the fancy stuff, the sheets made out of only the finest material and the clothes in the wardrobe being more expensive than all your former clothes together some people would have given you weird looks. But a cage was still a cage, even if it was a golden one.

You felt the mattress shifting once again because he leaned closer to you. You tensed slightly up when you felt his breath hitting your skin, not feeling comfortable that he was that close to you. “Are you upset because of me?” You were clearly able to hear the slight shaking of his voice, despite him trying to sound calm. Oh no. Please not this again. You slowly looked up. As much as you wanted to get out of here, you also didn’t want to go through the stress of seeing Ash hurting himself again. You were met with his face being very close to yours, his purple eyes gazing right into yours. You could see the swelling panic in them, the horrifying thought of him having upset you. You slowly shook your head. “N-no. I’m not. I-I just don’t understand why you do it.” That was a lie. You were upset. But you were also afraid of having to hear his maniacal talking about how he had hurt you and how undeserving he was to have upset you. It was too much for you to take. So you dearly hoped that he wouldn’t get angry with himself. For a few moments Ash just stared at you. And you couldn’t help the thought that he was very handsome crossing your mind. He looked like...Well, like an angel.

“I’m sorry that I keep you in here. But you’re too pure and innocent. I’m scared that this world will break you. I’m only protecting you.” He sounded a bit calmer, his voice having gone back to it’s soothing tone. He had moved even closer to you, making you lean back to gain some distance between you and him. His eyes were scanning busily over every inch of you, shining with something that could only be described as utter and complete devotion. “I know that this is hard to understand for you. That is just another proof that you’re a pure hearted person. So it’s my job to help you understand that you deserve better, that your place is somewhere above those trash out there.” One of his hands slowly grabbed yours, carefully, as if you were made out of glass and started rubbing circles into it before moving it closer to his face. “After all,”, he began and and placed a kiss on your knuckles, his lips staying a bit longer on your skin before continuing,”it’s my job as your protector and guardian angel to make sure that no one can taint or harm you. Hopefully you’ll understand one day that no one is worth being near you. Even I am not completely worthy.”

[elektroyu]

I'm not sure if I should post this on my art blog, but since it's impacting my art too I figure why not. I'll be very honest here and it's not something beautiful, so if you don't like to read about such things rn please go somewhere else and find something that suits your needs better. :) To keep you from accidentally continue reading have this picture of pretty dew-topped grasses in the morning that I took a couple years ago:

I love grass, it's so elegant and just <3

So the thing is. The absence of a close friend for me is... crippling. I'm feeling so fucking lonely that it's really not fun anymore. Not being able to share art things (in the broadest sense) or even dog training (agility in particular) with someone close is just about killing me emotionally. I'm a typical textbook introvert who doesn't need tons and tons of friends and I have a hard time committing to people in the first place, but the only people who I can talk about these things is my family, meaning my dad and my sister(s), but that's not really sharing anything. They let me talk and even give opinions or try to help if I'm struggling, but they're not involved in these things themselves. My coworkers like to see my art and are impressed with it, they will share pet stories on a superficial level, but their interest doesn't even remotely reach where mine does. I love my family and coworkers and I honestly appreciate what they DO give me, but it's just not the same as a proper same-interest friendship. Especially a close one. I had one for many, many years (and others before that), it was a truly special connection that's probably just a once-in-a-lifetime occurence. Very gradually it fell apart over time and I trusted a little bit too much that it would last forever. I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong there, mind you, nor am I blaming anyone for addressing their own needs first and foremost, as that's simply the right thing to do. It was more along the lines of people change and sometimes their needs and expectations change too. That's perfectly normal and that wasn't the first time I've experienced this. But like I said, I didn't see the possibility of this particular friendship ever ending. To me, this thing was eternal, and in a way it still is, even though there's no possibility it could ever come back now. It did end. And that devastated me more than I can express. It ripped my entire heart out and left me bleeding. I still can't quite deal with it even after 5-6 years, although it's gotten slightly better in the last few years. This particular experience changed me in a not at all good way. It made me even more of a hermit. I'm even more afraid to reach out and commit to other people, even though I'm sometimes nearly losing my mind from being lonely. I'm constantly doubting myself to not be enough, to not care enough, to not be good enough to even deserve the friendship of another human being. I'm always, always afraid to disappoint again. I'm seriously, honestly doubting if I even should have a friend, if I'm even able to give them something back. Maybe I'm way too selfish to have a friend. Maybe I don't even really want a friend, even though I obviously do.

Almost worse for me is that the topic of 'friendship' developed into a giant trigger for me. I'm feeling perfectly fine one moment until by chance I stumble upon someone fleetingly mention some human connection on their blog or in some ffxiv tutorial or something and I instantly feel just hollow and unwanted. Instantly feel the absence of someone who can live in that giant void in my heart. It hurts so much. Usually I'm good in my everyday life, but this little thing is becoming more and more of a problem for me, and it doesn't exactly help art things either, as it warps and/ or hinders my ability to think about things properly. My therapist said I should just keep trying to find irl friends, which I'm kinda doing and kinda not doing. That bit of advice was kind of not very helpful, I feel ^^; even though I admire and respect my therapist a lot (not getting sessions anymore, though, I went there for social anxiety and got a LOT out of it, but with friends there's always at least 2 parties involved, right, not just one).

I'm a firm believer that friendships happen and develop on their own, even if there's hardships along the way. I have no interest to beg anyone to be my friend just because I want one. I'm convinced in time I'll meet someone who's feeling as drawn to me as I am to them again and something grows naturally. Or maybe I'm just greedy and it won't happen again, then that's that and I'll have to settle for looser connections. Maybe in the next life. Until I know which one it is I'm going to fight on by myself (life is too precious to waste, after all, if I'm damned to do life alone then I'll rather do it alone than waste all those opportunities to do and experience all this amazing stuff that's going on), love my pets and be loved by them (are humans even able to love so unconditionally?) and talk to you lovely guys on the internet. And believe me, you mean a lot to me and I'm beyond thrilled about every single one who talks to me ;) <3 you know who you are.

So there it is, the thing that plagues me (art me/ dog training me/ personal me) and has no easy fix. I'm putting it out there into the internets, which maybe will be one step towards me learning to deal with it, or heal from it, or live with it at least. It would be nice to process it to a degree that I can either use it for something productive or so that it at least doesn't hinder me anymore. There's no question there's going to be a major scar from it and I don't mind that, but it would be nice if it was only a scar and not such an easily opened wound that hurts like hell and still feels fresh after such a long time.