#...'young people NEVER have pain or disabilities and you're a liar!'

[uncanny-tranny]

I'm still thinking about how ashamed I was (and am) with being open about my pain because I am so young. It's so hard to feel worthy of having your pain taken seriously when the people around you insist that young bodies are always in pristine, untouched condition and that you must earn your pain through aging. Never is it considered that young people aren't lying or being a hypochondriac for expressing their pain.

Young people can be in life-altering pain. Young people can have debilitating pain. It doesn't matter what age it happens because pain doesn't discriminate. Complaining about pain and doing things to prevent needless pain aren't something you have to "earn" through aging.

If you want young people to be in less or lesser pain, then encourage them to do whatever they can to minimize it. Don't downplay what they're experiencing. Not everything is a lie, not every experience that is different than yours is exaggeration or deceit.

[psygoth13]

Chronic illness is a bitch.

I don't know what I'm supposed to get out of this. I tell my clients often to journal, but I don't really think about doing it myself. But now may be as good of a time as ever. Does Journaling help when you're feeling alone with people all around you?

I know I'm not alone. I have so many wonderful people in my life, ones who are there for me every day. Then why do I feel so alone sometimes? Why do I just want to sit here and cry? I tell myself over and over that doing so would just be a waste, that I'm just spinning the pity party hamster wheel. Again my own words echo my hypocrisy, telling my clients that emotions need to be felt and that they are valid. It's easy to tell someone else supportive things- but why does it feel so horrible to do it for myself?

I stay up every night, refusing to go to bed, to start another day. Another day means more potential pain, more rot, more decay. I just want to hold on to what I have now. Is that too much to ask?

I just sound like a teenager with raging hormones and a menagerie of angst in all its forms. My body is anything but though, as I lay here and settle with the pain. Maybe the Tylenol PM will kick in soon. What I wouldn't give for a normal night's sleep, something that will never happen unless it is medically induced.

I don't know if anyone is going to read this, honestly if I came across it I would feel hard pressed to read it. Do I want to spend my time reading about someone else's whining? Their petty attempt to garner sympathy? I've had those thoughts about others' writing. And if you say you haven't about this stuff then you're a fuckin liar. We all do it, it's human nature. We categorize and organize and strategize, clawing for supremecy over others. I'm above you, so you are therefore lesser. I am acutely familiar with living that life- to be disabled is to be lesser.

I've felt those eyes on me, judging. The faces saying, why are you here? You're too young to be like this- they're probably faking it- either that or they're real fucked up- I bet it's just for show-

Do you know what it's like to already feel ashamed for having to use a motorized cart at the grocery store and then have a stranger reach over you for an item on the shelf as if you aren't there? Without an excuse me or pardon me? And don't worry, the government reached their hand over me already and said I'm not disabled enough, so no "handouts" for me.

Do you know what it's like to have to have shoulder reconstruction surgery at 14? To fall ill from an autoimmune inflammatory disease starting at 16-17? To have a complete hysterectomy at 24? To be diagnosed with seronegative RA and fibromyalgia along with your Ehlers Danlos Syndrome at 28? To get glaucoma at 30? How about losing your hair because of the vital and necessary meds you have to take? Almost passing out from your body purging without any control at 31?

So here it is. This is supposed to be something that makes me feel better, feel more connected, or at least...fuck I don't even know. I don't expect anyone to listen, but at least its here and not in my head. That's a rant for another day entirely.