#... i'm contractually bound to post these transcripts here

[lostnfounder]

The following is a transcript of the interview that took place between Lostfield Gazette journalist Ruth Shirbon and Lostfield resident, Chad Ellis “Fuckface” Ollaman.

 

R: Alright, let’s just get this over with. 

C: Rooroo! It’s been soooo long!

R: Are- Are you drunk?!

C: [made this exact expression at me: ‘:D’. I hate this guy]

R: Ughhhh. Profoundly professional, Chad. I expect nothing less. 

C: Awwwweee. Thank youuuu. I was hoping that since highschool you would have matured to my level, and whaddya know!

R: Wh- Says the guy that thought Showfall was harboring sci-fi robots and cassette tape monsters. You made all of that up while you were high, didn’t you?

C: Ohhhh, my god, don’t bring that up. I’m over the STS, Rooroo. Why haven’t you moved on yet? Showfall’s cool. They, like, gave a bunch of toys to homeless kids- [belch]- last year.

R: Likely possessed toys! They were all those creepyass Squiggles Furby crossover horrowshows. And I am over the Showfall Theorist Society, alright? That club only ever had three members--I’m not a highschooler anymore. 

C: Right. ‘Cause you dropped out.

R: Shut up.

C: [smirking] My parents are sending me to NYU.

R: Oh, profoundly mature-

C: Hey, calm dowwwwn, bro, it’s a joke, chill. God. I just think, hey, maybe it’s time Detective Gal gets her life in order, stops chasing the biggest multi-media company in the world and, I dunno. Maybe tries leaving town for onc-

R: NEVER. 

C: Okay, yeesh! Touching nerves, I guess.

R: What you’re touching are live wires. Don’t pry into my personal life, and you won’t get shocked.

C: Yooooo. That was a sick one-liner- [belch]- bro! Can I, like, write that down, actually?

R: That’s it. I’m done.

C: Wh- Wait, what?

R: I’m leaving. It was nice talking to you, Chad, no, really.

C: Wait, you- Weren’t you supposed to ask me about the fucking racoon that got in here? It stole my dad’s limited edition Russian caviar! Dude! Dude!

[door slam]

R: God, I hate that guy. Wait, shoot, this is still-