#.//stelle: i can fix that (where's her bat)

[stellartrader]

( frostwnd Stelle ) Does he want the cracked ribs in her place? :\\

"Goodness, no." She can keep those— as a learning opportunity. "I wouldn't take that away from you." ^^

[goldom]

AFoLiS author commentary Part 2

Time for editing A New Morning Rises. Let's see what we have here.

Right off the bat, oh boy, what the heck was I thinking with having four lines sectioned off that took place in a difference tense and from an omniscient perspective? Wow that read badly. FIXED.

So, Stelle sees Firefly for the first time and instantly recognizes her. Like I said in the first commentary, that wouldn't mean much if she's supposed to look the same in reality, which is another reason I need to keep that she doesn't... even though I drop it by Part 3, hair aside. It was really important to me to contrast March seeing her and having no idea who it was with Stelle seeing her and instantly knowing.

Ah, the first instance of Firefly's cold skin. The game doesn't give us a lot to work with in terms of what ELS would be like, but I thought, logically, if she's moving slower and slower on an atomic level, that's going to mean generating less heat. And regaining her warmth turned out to be a perfect shorthand for showing her health. That's why it became the title for the E-rated stories.

I mentioned in the comments at the time, but I intended Stelle's dialogue choices to be the various thoughts running through her head. So, confronted with the 3x "I love you" option, it shows how that one phrase overwhelms every other thought in her head. Even though I didn't stick with this gimmick other than two points in Part 4, I think it worked well for this story.

Oh, and here's the first instance of Firefly reading Stelle's thoughts. Maybe it's author laziness for both your characters to somehow know the same things, but I hope it shows how tuned in Firefly is to Stelle, possibly because of their past together. After all, Stelle can't usually do it in return. However, there is a scene coming up late in Part 6 where Firefly is too distracted by her own problems to get what Stelle's on about, and it leads to hurt feelings all around. So having this to contrast against is good for something, I guess.

Interesting how back here, Stelle wishes she could just be a normal person. By present time, she really doesn't care about normal at all anymore – she'll be whatever she has to be, in order to be Firefly's.

Okay, here's a substantial change, and it's the whole Stellaron Hunters as family deal. As I've talked about in author notes, I had no clue how caring they were of each other prior to 2.3 and seeing the lengths Silver Wolf went to keep Firefly safe. Here's the new version:

In the original, it cut straight from "you turn back to the overlook" to "I'm sorry." Because yeah, I absolutely did mean that they would kill her. That's ridiculous in retrospect, so I came up with a more plausible threat.

Next up, here's Stelle's very first time crying! Of so, so, so many! Sometimes I feel like I'm making her come across as weaker than she is, and I don't mean to be. I just can't help empathize with her, and she's been through so much. Just writing this stuff makes me tear up. So how could she not cry?

" “Maybe we can take turns being strong for each other,” says Firefly" I haven't stop screaming this point ever since.

...I was going to end this by pointing out, needlessly, how the final paragraph of Part 2 is where I got the name A Flash of Light in Space from, but... those words aren't there? Wow, false memory. It's absolutely the intent though.

" The two girlfriends locked eyes and together burst out into a laughter that traveled down the halls of the Astral Express. And though the sound eventually faded out, unheard across the distance of space, their moments of shared happiness brought a spark of warmth into being that could never be extinguished. "

That's it, that's the flash of light in space.

That last paragraph is... kinda a bit much. In my defense, I thought it was the end of the series at the time, so I let myself be a little too flowery. Overall though, this was waaaaay better written than Part 1. I think part of that is that, for whatever reason, I just do better in second person present. I tried to get away from it with Part 3, since it feels... I dunno, kinda less "valid" literarily you know? 'Cause serious stories aren't written like that? But I struggled to keep to it so much, as early readers caught for me – I kept accidentally slipping into writing "you." So we're all second person from Part 4 on out, unless I have some very good reason to change later.

[shadowbanki]

Symphony Saga: Resonate: Haku Arc Outline (so far)

Chapter 1 (Brief cold opening where the big underlying plot is vaguely explained.) (Brief run-down of Haku’s life, and her grandmother’s recent death) Chapter 2 November 29... Haku and Neru are two misunderstood, troubled, 16-year-old students who meet at lunch and break period. They both have autism and are ostracized for it. Haku shows Neru her stuffed kitten Snowbell, and they bond and talk about nice things. There was pizza for lunch, but it ran out because the bullies pushed Haku and Neru to the end of the line. Haku and Neru had to eat nasty asparagus coleslaw casserole instead. The day isn’t looking too good for them... but at least they met each other. Haku is happy to have met a new friend. Chapter 3 Everyone starts talking about Haku and Neru and teasing them. Bullies start sticking Neru with needles during her walk to gym class. In gym class, Neru can’t walk far because the lunch upset her stomach. During the 5-mile marathon outside that the boot camp teacher made the class do, Neru lags behind in the rain. The rain turns into a thunderstorm while Neru is outside. The entire school loses electricity during this time. Meanwhile, Haku has a breakdown in math class because she is reminded about her grandmother’s recent death, and has to go to the counselor’s office alone in the dark. And the school is big and even scarier in the dark. Haku then trips and falls down the stairs. Neru ends her school day in the nurse’s office, and getting painful rubbing alcohol being put in where bullies sticked her with needles. The counselor’s office is nearby, and they see each other there. Haku and Neru have both had a horrible day. But finally, they can see each other again. Chapter 4 Haku and Neru meet again after school, and decide to run away together. Haku’s mother is always late home from work, and Haku’s dad is nowhere to be found. Haku’s mother is very neglectful and Haku is convinced her mother wouldn’t miss her. Meanwhile, Neru is an orphan and lives with her mean grandmother. Haku and Neru pack away their important things and run away to the mall where they find a secret room with a magical mirror. They get sucked through, and end up being transported to the magical world of Whimsica, in the town of Speckle Town! After stepping through the mirror, Haku’s plush cat Snowbell comes to life. They are sent out through a portal mirror that is in the magical world. This mirror is a one-way portal, meaning they cannot go back through it to get back to Earth. The mirror is located in a wooded area in Speckle Town. “Where am I?” They both ask each other. Snowbell, who is now alive, jumps from Haku’s arms and begins to wander off. Alarmed, Haku and Neru follow after Snowbell, and notice a very magical feel about the woods. They eventually make their way out of the forest and into Teto’s magical bakery. Luka is there too. (Magical and whimsical food!) (Add more details) (Introduce Luka’s pet, Tako Luka) (Haku and Neru spend the night at the empty housing space in the Cozy Building, which is a large apartment complex that also has things like a store, recreation center, and clinic. Others who live there are Ame and her parents, Teto and her parents, Taya and his parents, Ritsu and his parents, Miku and her little sister Mizu, Chapter 5 November 30. Haku and Neru attend their first day of Adventure Academy. Haku and Neru have two classes out of six where they are together. Snowbell also gets to go to school with Haku. In one class where she is alone, Haku meets friends named Ame and Joy. Snowbell makes friends with a little lioness cub named Buttersotch. Neru hangs out with Luka a lot. Teto hangs out with her friend Momo and tells her about the new students. At lunch, everyone meets together. A villain attacks. (The villain, however, doesn’t show their face, but they turn something into a monster.) (Haku and Neru unlock magic powers in order to fix things!) (Sparkle and Twinkle randomly show up and tell the two how to use their newfound powers...) December 1... It’s the birthday of an outgoing, popular person at school. They get to have a school-wide party that cuts through class time. In one of Neru’s classes, she notices a person who is quiet and seemingly standoffish. Apparently his name is Wallace. Wallace is quite tall, doesn’t talk much, nor does he show much expression. He is always working on something secret under his desk, and he’s very good at hiding it. Everyone spreads rumors that Wallace is doing something “bad.” Neru doesn’t believe the rumors and senses that Wallace is misunderstood. She wants to confirm that he is a good person, so she sticks around after class. Neru doesn’t mean to be eavesdropping, but when Wallace thinks nobody is around, Neru catches sight of what he creates. He makes small stuffed toys. Neru thinks it’s nice that he has a hobby he’s so passionate about, but she sees something else unexpected. Wallace passes by a drop-off donation box for children who cannot afford holiday gifts and drops the toys he made in it. Neru comes out to talk to Wallace then. He has a startled and flustered reaction. “Ah! Please tell me y-you didn’t see anything... I mean... um... I wasn’t doing anything... okay? You saw NOTHING?” “Huh?” Neru asks. “I don’t get it. You’re doing something so nice, but... you don’t want people to know or see?” “Ah... well... it’s....” Wallace turns red. “It’s... embarrassing.” “...Why?” Neru says. “Well...” Wallace says. “The toys I make... they aren’t very good... I guess... not yet, anyway...” “But... I don’t think that matters at all.” Neru says. “I’m sure the kid who receives your gift that you put so much heart and care into will be overjoyed when they see it.” Neru looks in the donation box, even though Wallace tries to stop her. “Aw, they’re not bad at all.” She says, seeing what he made “Ah, well... my father... used to make stuffed toys.” Wallace says. “They were much better than mine. He passed away a few years back. Lately I’ve been feeling down, so my uncle told me I could use the skills I learned from him to make people happy... and well...” “Well... does it feel nice though?” Neru asks. “Knowing you’re making people happy?” Wallace’s face lights up with an unexpected smile. “Yeah!” He says. “That’s great.” Neru says. “Well, I’m Neru. And well, I already know your name. Wallace, right?” “Yeah, but... um... I’d like to be called Wally, please...” Wallace says. “That’s what I’d want my friends to call me.” “Oh. All right then, Wally.” Neru says. However, two ridiculous villains (Maddie and Sadie, the mad and sad clowns) show up and try to destroy Wallace’s things he worked so hard on. Stelle, Lunette, and Celestine show up. They give Haku and Neru advice and tell them a message from Queen Rainbow, the Queen of Whimsica... Apparently, Haku and Neru have been recruited into a group that fights for justice all around Whimsica. All they have to do to participate is to continue to be true to themselves and to continue to use their magic, determination, and kindness, to settle problems. After this fight, Maddie and Sadie end up reforming and becoming good. They join Gladys, the glad clown, and form a trio to make people laugh. Intermittently in the story, Haku’s backstory about her brother Dell, who she lost before her parents divorce, had been told. We also get to know of Haku’s cousin Miku, who mysteriously disappeared. December 2 During lunch, Haku catches sight of Miku, her cousin and treasured friend from childhood who mysteriously disappeared one day. They have an emotional reunion. Haku offhandedly comments to Miku about her lost brother Dell again, but notices Miku grows a sour expression on her face at the mention of his name. However, soon enough, things are attacked again... and the villain this time is... Haku’s long-lost brother, Dell? Dell has been notorious in the school for being evil and causing trouble for the innocent. Miku, who also has magical girl powers, transforms and begins to fight Dell. Haku is in disbelief and is saddened watching two precious people from her childhood fight. “Dell... this can’t be!” She cries. “I know you aren’t like this... you were so sweet to me. You can’t really be on the side of Monochrome. You just can’t!” Dell has a completely different and mean look in his eyes than the gentle look Haku remembered from childhood. Dell doesn’t even remember Haku. He appears completely cold, and he seems sinister. Dell is creating monsters to terrorize and destroy peace, while not even seeming to bat an eyelash. Haku is heartbroken at having to fight Dell, but Neru urges her she has to do it. Eventually after a strong attack is fired at him, Dell retreats... Haku is left crying, deeply affected at what she just experienced. December 3 Haku had spent the last night thinking of what to do if Dell shows up again. Haku is a bad cook, but she stays up all night making a batch of the cookies Dell used to eat when they were still living together as children. She doesn’t give up until they taste exactly the way they did that time. Dell shows up again and Haku begins pleading to him. Dell begins charging an attack, getting get ready to hit Haku, but Haku just stands there. Everyone watches, thinking Haku is nuts. Haku starts singing to Dell. She sings to him the song Dell always sang to her when they were little. Dell suddenly remembers Haku. Precious memories... they begin flooding his mind. It shows, because he grows a soft expression stops charging the attack... But all of a sudden, he shakes them off and charges at her with a punch. Miku pushes Haku out of the way and continues to fight Dell. Haku is crushed once more. Miku notices Dell isn’t fighting with full force today, and he retreats. Miku even notices Dell seemed like he was fighting back tears. December 4 Dell shows up again, and this time, a group is with him. Dell has a really sad look in his eyes this time... Haku tries to give Dell the batch of cookies she made, but Dell rejects them and begins to fight Haku. Suddenly, all targets are on Haku. Haku defeats most of the group except for Dell and the mysterious leader of his group, and is in bad shape. The leader of Dell’s group attacks Haku. He is very powerful. To Haku’s surprise, Dell jumps in and helps Haku fend off the attack. “Haku...” Dell speaks. “It’s okay now. I’ll fend him off myself. You stay safe. I don’t want you to get hurt!” “Dell... Dell! No! I can’t... You’ll get hurt too...” Haku begins crying. To Haku’s surprise, the man says something strange... “Betrayal, huh? From my own children, huh?” “I’m NOT your son!” Dell shouts. Haku’s face turns white. “You can’t deny facts.” He says. “You are my son, Dell. And... Haku. I am your father.” Haku is too shocked to speak for a couple seconds, but... “No!” She shrieks. “You are not! You’re a part of Monochrome! You’re evil. You’re the one took Dell away long ago. You made him like this! You raised him and brainwashed him to be just like you! Dell... he was always very sweet to me. He was always protecting me. He’s even protecting me now! He never wanted to be a part of Monochrome! Now I will protect him from you! Begone!” Haku hits Gin with an ultra-strong attack, and Dell joins in. Gin decides he cannot handle it, so he retreats so he can live another day. Haku and Dell did not defeat him this time. But at least they chased him away...

[newhampshirevkkt466-blog]

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