#*winding me and my grandma keeps it super hot downstairs and I need it cold or at least not hot bc I’m trying to break the fever

[asexualjedi]

I would love to stop being sick haha

[anonil88]

Day 26

Went to bed at 5 woke up 1:13 pm

Aunt was yelling thru door that I need to at least sit up when communicating via the door with my grandma.

I agreed

My dreams involved sex and passover. I miss latkes.

Temp: 97.8

Watched tiktoks for 2 hours. I need to shower and wash my hair. And eat I desperately need to eat. Washed my hands and went down to get some food.

Grandma was super impatient as I disinfected everything in the kitchen or tried to disinfect everything quickly. Just so I could plate my food heat it up and leave. I missed the microwave but used a paper towel to open and close the door and press the number pad. She said I needed to move with more life more vigor. I went and heated up the last rib and rice and was met with "i dont like the way you are acting, you act like we all have germs " (which in fact we all do and I reiterated by not wiping down all the groceries we might have the virus in the house), "the way you are acting and not wearing any clothes you are probably gonna be the one to get it" (which has heightened my panic but I'm not trying to freak out because I washed my hands) and "lying lips are an abomination".

I did not ask god to be like this nor is this ideal for me, but I think my family all see it as a choice. Like I can just wish away the anxiety and paranoia. Sure I wake up some days better than others but this pandemic has pushed my anxiety almost to its heights. Not quite where I'm starting to hallucinate or anything but just the stress levels are high.

I said fuck it twice today already. My rib while I was eatting slid to the place I consider the no no zone aka the place where my finger or hand had to grab the plate to take it out the microwave and I still ate it. Then i drank from my mug that was in the cupboard and prayed noone touched it. I poured juice in it from a freshly bought and opened container of juice. I washed my hands before I pulled the tab and then again after I put the juice back in the fridge.

Could this be my downfall by saying in my head over and over it was hot the food was hot and being extremely thirsty. Yes, yes it could. Sigh. At least after eatting my heart is not fluttering like it was and my stomach not literally spitting acid into my throat.

Spent the day listening to music and just tryna catch up with things.

Was gonna go shower or grab some food and then shower. Heard grandma, granddad, and auntie downstairs laughing etc. Kinda made me sad I could not join in but then I heard them all start to cough one after another and I decided imma just shower.

I took a shower hoping it would help me relax a bit, but when I tell u it made my anxiety worse. Like made me a bit nervous trying to get everything I needed to, to get clean while not touching anything I need to. From having a migraine forming to having to use a clean towel to wipe my eyes because I tried and attempted and failed at washing my hair. I ended up having to wash my hands with soap in my eyes because I wanted to wash my hands before I grabbed the towel to dry off.

Kept thinking what if the water coming from my hair has the disease in it and it's just going straight in my eye. Sigh.

I peed and drinking water cleared up what was happening but I see small signs of it returning so I'm going to be cracking a bottle of water and sipping on that.

9pm

Temp: 97

I gave a migraine now, thinking I'm a bit dehydrated so water it is. Nose still kinda drippy and its 50 degrees out but apparently it feels like 46 but the wind stopped so that's really good. My stomach is a mix of hungry and feeling like I'm gonna hurl, I think it's the anxiety.

Could hear my aunt talking to my grandma downstairs apparently something to do with symptoms. I really hope shes not sick or none of them or myself is. But talking to Sarah she said all I can really do is not worry myself with the what ifs. Which is very true so I'm tryna stay relaxed. But she said for myself i should just keep washing my hands, not touching my face, etc.

Also talked to alicia, my cousin, which helped quite a bit.

So now I'm scared.

Watching changeling for the first time, I still have a migraine though. Trying not to think about that thought in my text as its speculation. But I'm nervous and this migraine is still there.

Temp: 97

Drinking water helped a little but sitting up my ears popped a bit. L word popped on after movie and bette looks good in the orange jacket.

1 am

Its 45 degrees out but the weather app says it feels like 37. Tomorrow is gonna be a cold one.

It still hurts knowing that this is out of my control completely.

My chest feels tight but I'm going to grab something to eat now. Pretty sure it's the anxiety but who knows at this point.

Temp 97.1