#*bonks head hard* im so full of emotions and i didn't even write out my thoughts half as good as im thinking / feeling but w/e !!!!!

[mxlooker]

feeling mentally ill over ani and obi tonight. listening 2 the playlist i made for them and just. screams and cries and throws up etc

specifically forest fire by brighton is making me want to bite my laptop thinking about ani tbh. like. the whole song !!!!!

song analysis / ramble below bc a girly can't shut the frick up !

okay i wasn't going to ramble idiotically, but this is my blog and i'll be mentally ill on the mentally ill about fictional characters webbed site.

the first verse is literally ani as a child having nightmares / visions of his future ("when you were young / you used to dream about fires") during his first few months / year at the temple. while obi was more distant during that time bc of his grief, i was the one who would shower him in affection out of my own.

he'd often come to me at night. sneaking out of his quarters because he just... couldn't sleep. the temple was different and cold and he missed his mom and he was struggling to adjust. i'd let him vent and talk and comfort / offer advice as needed before getting him to sleep, but even so, he'd still have nightmares. ("and scream into the night / to find me standing barefoot at your side")

("i used to whisper "it will be alright" / and lay down at your side / and take your tiny hands into mine") i'd lay with him when he had those nightmares, soothing and comforting him, until he'd drift back to sleep again... usually with his head on my chest. this only lasted upwards of that first year until he was starting to learn more "appropriate" ways to cope / began to adjust to life as a Padawan.

then the chorus : ("and how was i to know / that i'm not strong? / i should have saved you") is the guilt and sorrow and grief over not having preventing his fall to the dark side that i felt. maybe if i had been stronger, a better sister, a more competent friend... anything, really, it wouldn't have happened. ("and oh / i hope you know / that you're my home / but now i'm lost / so lost)

the second verse is... well, the aftermath of his fall. ("i keep imagining those flames that did rise / and blackened up the sky / the light that showed you barefoot in the snow"). i'm left imagining his pain, his sorrow, his anger, that led him down this path. how i didn't do enough. ("and then the fire started building up inside / exploding blinding lights")

("now i'm the one left screaming through the night") the irony, of being the one who'd dry his tears and comfort his nightmares... only to be left coping with my own all alone. everyone i knew as far as i was aware were dead and gone. i didn't even know that obi was alive.

the bridge is where im determined to fix things, to make them right. whether it's bringing him home or through helping the Rebels. it's where i turn my guilt and shame and pain, hiding it, into action. ("i'm going to carry your bones / i'm going to carry them all / i'm going to carry you home")

with that, i keep the legacy of what you were and could have been alive. my brother, my friend, my home. i do what i know that ani would have wanted, not vader. ("and oh, i'm gonna bury these bones / and write it in stone / that you were my home / my home")

... and try to swallow back the guilt like bile. to try and slowly forget what life was like, and to forge this new one as best as possible. ("forget about it")