#* i wanna write — also me making another 'character blog' but no rping just me brain rot posting about my oc .

[illholy]

all i do is stare at the dash and long. 😔

[viciousbite]

———  basics! ♡

(PEN)NAME:  Val

PRONOUNS:  She / Her (Or any, surprise me :p)

ZODIAC SIGNS:  Aries

TAKEN OR SINGLE:  Single forever. Whoops.

TIME ZONE:  Eastern European (summer) time, EEST.

———  three  facts! ♡

Awkward, chill person. Mega hard to anger me. Also confused most of the time, cause idk what goes in my own brain sometimes either.

Energy drink addict, if I’m hyper and talk a lot, probs had extra of that danger juice.

I love cats. and felines in general.

———  experience ! ♡

Rping in english on tumblr, I started around 2012 to the end of 2013, before taking a break until 2016, when I started another blog, from what I can see on my blogs archives, and been lurking around since then. Sometimes taking months of breaks in between. I rped in my own language earlier too, but nowadays I don’t do that at all and stick to english, which has improved a tiny bit over the years. Mainly had good experiences here.

———  muse preference !  ♡

Villain characters. Usually the calm, introverted ones, who can watch the world burn and be like: Well that sucks. Lately I been testing out more emotional characters though, that have both bad and good sides. I guess nowadays I need a mood for when I play the full on evil chars, like Michi, but still enjoy those a ton when the mood is there. Also love humor... dark humor, so if my muses are capable of being funny, I enjoy writing them on the long run.

———  FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡    

FLUFF:  I love it, it’s a good way to let my muses have some sweetness in their lives. I don’t write it that often, but sometimes you need that little joyful things to write and cute interactions with your muses to keep said muses going. (don’t wanna make them sad with too much angst)

ANGST:  LOVE IT--... I always tend to put my muses through some kind of hell if my rp partner is fine with it. Writing chars in any sort of distress is interesting to me, all the emotions and it’s even better if after all that angst, there is the comfort threads after, like life is gonna start looking a little better. Bonding through trauma, I guess, what you could call it. But yeah, angst, dark plots, I love.

SMUT:  Mainly write it in ask prompts, but willing to write in thread form too with people I’m comfy with. It’s a fun topic to write. The minus is, I can’t write it all the time, but when I do, I enjoy it. Sometimes your muses just got to have the fun times, sometimes they even demand it.

PLOT / MEMES: Both are good, I prefer memes mainly. But that’s only cause I am bad at plotting, and I feel bad when my rp partner does all the work... It’s just me, being awkward at telling what my empty brain has, or most of the time, there’s nothing in my brain. Which is why meme’s help a lot, and don’t mind going from a meme to plotting, like if there’s proper ideas to go from there. (or my plot ideas are too dark and I don’t dare to tell them out XD) 

tagged by: @noircisaint (thank you <3)

tagging: Whoever wants to do it~

[hollynovaextra]

=Baking AU information part 1: Content warnings and explanations=

Ello! It’s me, NOVA! Before we get into the actual AU, I wanna explain how we even got to this point and some further elaboration on those handy content warnings. Be sure to read everything you need to in order to decide if this is a blog you feel is safe and comfortable to interact with! If you need to block this side blog and only interact with my main then I totally understand. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH COMES FIRST!!! Feel free to DM me on either here or my main with any questions (AU related questions are preferred on this blog over my main)

Character asks are welcome at any point in this blog’s active lifespan

If you need to block this AU tag, the official tag is “Invader Zim Baking AU”

=Orgins and explanations=

So the AU in general started as a Yandere sim shitpost with my IRL friend Zippo/Zip (they/them). We were just kind of joking around and I had mentioned how “If Zim ever actually fell for someone, he would totally be a Yandere” and we just joked around for a bit, nothing really came of it. The joke was that Yandere sim would be so much more interesting if you played as Zim instead, cue more private teenage shitposting. Fast forward to this past winter and I had a really bad mental health episode. I was watching videos on MLP creepypastas and my mentally ill brain though “haha, AU time” and lets just say Yandere!Zim got really good a baking really fast. I hyperfixated on that for a tiny bit but then kind of dropped it because I wasn’t sure if it was even worth working on since Yandere stuff can get really ew. So! I dropped it. Skip ahead to this January and I’ve been rping with my online friend Alex (she/they). We ran out of AU ideas so I made a VERY goofy list of starters and one of them was just “canibalism cupcakes”. We did another prompt for a bit but the brain rot came back and I eventually typed out an entire au explanation in one car trip after coming home from working at church all morning and Alex thought it was very pogchamp. So here we are. With a sideblog and complex characters and a storyline that while pretty fucked up, is a really interesting character exploration and case study for codependent relationships.

=Addressing the “ZaDr” question”=

The short awnser is yes, this is a ZaDr heavy au and it’s probably the only ZaDr thing I will ever post ever.

The long awnser is that my relationship with ZaDr as a ship is...messy. I can’t stand it in canon. The age ambiguities and constant retcons just make it a headache to deal with and it’s honestly a very unhealthy ship. I totally understand why people like it but for me personally, it just ain’t it chief. AU’s and fannon are where it gets interesting: A lot of people give Zim and Dib way more character development and actually make ZaDr something that could work (and getting rid of the weird age ambiguities for Zim). Royalty AU and Paklet AU come to mind as two of the biggest examples.

Zim and Dib in this AU are NOT couple goals, not in the slightest. They’re two very codependent and unhealthy people who rely on each other way too much. This is not a love story and it’s not a fairytail. It’s messy. And I think it’s more interesting that way.

They are fundamentally different from canon in plenty of ways so it’s better if you look at these versions of the cast as separate people from canon, with different problems and issues...also older lol. Despite the aging up of the cast, there will be NO NSFW CONTENT

This AU will not shy away from that fact and while Zim and Dib definitely will have their soft moments, they are by no means something you should aspire to have. I want to make it abundantly clear before I post anything that the goal is not to romanticize their relationship. A good portion of it will be from the POV of these two and they are definitely going to be biased POV’s but there will be parts where I rip the camera away from them and you’re gonna see that this definitely isn’t as fluffy as they make it seem. Think of this less as a romance and more as a writing experiment and character case study.

At the end of the day, Alex and I are two minors who aren’t experts on anything. If there is something you think is concerning or could become a problem in terms of content later on, please send me a DM on this sideblog. While the AU is for fun, I don’t want this to become something that harms people. I give you full permission to ask questions about anything that seems concerning and give feedback. I get pretty bad tunnel vision so I may miss something that might become a problem later down the line

=a more detailed content warning list=

[This will be regularly updated]

• ZaDr (non-NSFW, no age ambiguities)

• Canibalism/killing people and making them into baked goods and food in general (About the level of graphic detail you would probably find in “Cupcakes”)

• Discussions and themes of depression, anxiety disorders, mentions of past attempted suicide, sensory overload, and intrusive thoughts (It’s mostly written from either personal experience or a lot of research. This stuff is definitely not going to be taken lightly when it’s mentioned either, we don’t do that romanticism shit around here)

• Depictions of blood and gore (either pink or red blood, haven’t decided yet) • Food poisoning

[gotatext]

PREFERRED NAME — nora. i think i started going by it in like, 2009?? my full name is eleanor but i hated it n thought it was way too pretentious n i never felt like it fitted me so when i started writing on forums i decided i’d be a nora rather than eleanor and then my school friends called me it and it just kinda stuck, the only person who calls me eleanor is my mum

PRONOUNS — she / her / ethereal being beyond comprehension

AGE — 23 but i tell everyone im 21 because even tho time is literally fake im desperately clinging to that fleeting thing we call youth trying to catch it like smoke in my hands

PINTEREST — i actually have two. this one is my main one where i just cram all my shit n i’ve had it for years and some of its super unorganised. then i also have this one which is one i made for exclusively female characters. it started as mythological figures but now its like, women in literature and the occasional oc as well. variety is the spice of life!

DISCORD — lindsay lohan’s meth#8664

TUMBLR (PERSONAL/MUSE/RPH) — i used to be froseths but now im pvrscphones cos ya gal is a fucking whore for mythology 

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — oi oi guvna ere’s me twitta. also here’s my letterboxd n my goodreads if anyone still uses tht

MYER-BRIGGS — enfp / infp border .... the classic profile of a lit student

HP HOUSE — hufflepuff, am fuckin mad. 

ZODIAC — libra which is a joke because i am in no way balanced but i guess i AM indecisive and a peacekeeper so?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — i believe it when it says good shits gonna happen in my life and blame it if bad shit happens but i don’t strongly follow it i just find it interesting

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — maybe like 14?? my first rp blog here is literally so embarassing i wrote as clove from the hunger games n my best friend irl wrote cato :/ it was wild

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — like 9 years ago?? 2010 maybs

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — me n my friend ellie made this really cool group the summer before we left for uni which was loosely based on a concept mentioned mayb once in the divergent series, but it gave us loads of freedom to make it our own thing. it was called the fringe n it was like..... this dystopian society where people with different genes were cut off from the rest of society n lived in overrun slum cities where different groups had like, a monopoly over weapons, produce, etc.... my character jack was the leader of this lost-boy-esque tribe called the wolf pack who were hunters n used to run across the rooftops wearing the skins of animals they’d killed and engage in tribal rituals with sacrifices to the gods n shit. sounds lame but everyone there was so invested in their character arcs that it was a shame to see it go. but ! it kind of reached its end point so we blew it up w nukes n they all died. tragic.

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — a fox?? do ppl keep foxes? idk i’ve always just felt a sense of connection w them like when a fox stares at me im like this shit is life i am living and breathing in this bitch.... visceral

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — everbody party tonight by cobra man n summer girl by haim..... not my usual stuff but big summer chillin vibes,.....

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — lord of the flies and also the handmaid’s tale. one of assignments was to write a chapter from another character’s perspective n i chose moira

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — skellig. fuck off with ur asprin ugly bat man i don’t care. also of mice and men. don’t care about the rabbits or curley’s goddamn wife.

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? — im not a big binger bc i find it jst makes me depressed if i watch tv all day but im nearly finished stranger things season 3 n i recently finished euphoria (big rec but proceed w caution as quite triggering content)

FAVOURITE QUOTE — cool girl speech from gone girl. but also “there’s something dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls” i know its like.... such an overused quote but it really encapsulates this kind of feral girlhood that a few of my characters like bridget n greta have tapped into. i also loved the line “i feel like i could eat the world raw” from song of achilles, that really captures this kind of.... pure n childlike enthusiasm tht i wanna achieve w rory 

LINK TO A VINE THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this is my energy completely am always covered in glitter n staring broodily out of the windows of ubers at 4am like im in the sad bit of an indie film 

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — uhh.... not as much as i shd.... i want to be a writer so i shd be makin some effort to get my stuff Out Into The World but im just not.... lol. ive done a lot of poetry collections . i wnt to finish a novel @ some point too.

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL TRUST — bold of you to assume i trust any youtubers

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — id literally die for saoirse ronan n timothee chalamet :/ chance perdomo also owns my ass. 

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — i once high-fived dani harmer, the actress who played tracy beaker. today my sister text me tryin to make me guess what celebrity she just saw on holiday in wales and for ages she let me think it was timmothee but it was actually bradley walsh from the chase :/

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am in a bomb ass crop top and mini skirt, several scrunchies in my hair, glitter all over my face, wearing cowboy boots. we eat dinner in a trendy but affordable pub that doubles up as a cocktail bar n then we drink zombies or sex on the beaches n go to a rave where everyone is on the same wavelength n i share drugs with girls in the toilets and we swap numbers knowing we will never text each other but its ok bc in that moment we feel like we are soulmates and everyone is super drunk n touching everyone else n its all very visceral and we walk through the woods when the rave ends and lie in the grass because we wish to suck out all the marrow of life 

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — princess diana was murdered 

ARE ALIENS REAL? — maybe the real aliens are the friends we made along the way

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — love island game im addicted and way too invested in my fictional relationship with bobby, a cartoon

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — bold of u to assume i remember my childhood. but if we’re talking last 10 years angust, thongs n perfect snogging is so so cringe 

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — pairs of glasses belonging to other ppl when they break / get new ones even though i can see perfectly well. 

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — mythology...... always a craving and a wish i’d read like ancient texts but my school wasn’t good enough to do greek or latin or any of that shit n even tho i could read english translations i cant be bothered. also criminal psychology

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian, french and latin

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — ladybird, about time, angus thongs, shrek 2, what we do in the shadows, the history boys, atonement, coraline, the breakfast club, ferris bueller’s day off

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — cecilia lisbon. rue in euphoria. alison brie in glow. adam parrish in the raven cycle. richard papen. olivia cooke’s character in thoroughbreds. allen ginsberg in kill your darlings. lily in sex education. holliday grainger’s character in the film animals --- i too am an aspiring writer who never writes and just gets drunk instead .

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no. cba

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — i go to the movies basically every day bcos i work in a cinema. im also a voracious reader n i occasionally do theatre or costume making

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — where the wild things are (film by spike jonze).  animals. beats. the book fen by daisy johnson and a girl is a half formed thing by eimar mcbride. andy warhol’s biography from a to b and back again

WHOSE BRAIN WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK, ALIVE OR DEAD? — phoebe waller-bridge on how i get her life. carey mulligan on how she got to be such a good actress n how i can become her. maybs wes anderson. maybs gillian flynn. i tend to listen to podcasts w the ppl i really wanna pick the brains of.

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? — edward :/

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — blinded by the light n i lovd it

DO YOU STILL READ? — when i finished uni i kinda got out of the habit but this week i finished two books so ive set myself the challenge of a book a week.

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — i finished song of achilles yesterday n i also finished call me by your name yesterday. started circe by madeline miller today, im also partway through milkman by anna burns and the plays of annie barker

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 3 i didnt hate it bcos at heart i am self-indulgent and love fashioning some sense of self when i feel lost in a world that is scary and constantly changing 

[sansloii-a]

coughs so am I allowed to request all of the “salty af munday meme” answers or—

oh my fucking god || @imbruedinfear​

strap in y’all ‘cause someone wants to hear me complain

What does someone have to do for an instant unfollow from you?

if you post excessive ooc in quick sucession, i will unfollow you faster than the speed of light. i’ve done it in the past. i will not hesitate to do it in the future. i don’t care if it’s tagged. if i’m on and i see it, you’re gone, my friend.

What’s the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

uuuuuuuuuuhhhhh there was this one dude that legit tried to monopolize one of my old muses on another blog, got upset when i set a main ship for said muse, complained to me nonstop, was trying to use me to get back into rping with my friend group ( which he called “the popular group” for a reason I don’t understand to this day ), only wanted to ship, got pissy over a fucking pokemon au ( if you ever wanna hear about this, lemme know ), tried to insert a ship into every au we made automatically, tried to tell me how to write smut for no reason ( said he would read it and give me tips and everything ffs ), was an asshole to my sister ( who rped way back when but doesn’t anymore ), made several friends of mine uncomfortable to the point of leaving the rp scene for a bit, blamed other people for issues that he honestly had a part in causing, and a bunch of other things that i’m forgetting right now.

i figure that’s the worst because nothing has topped that. nothing. that happened years ago, though, so i’m good now. no one fucks with me like that anymore.

What was a mildly annoying thing that has happened to you rp wise?

i got about 10 asks from someone when i wanted to do other shit ( my asks that are in the double digits ) ‘cause they wanted me to send them an ask. annoyed me to hell and back and i promptly deleted those asks

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  tough shit. i was not in the mood for games and i’m still not.

 Has anyone ever tried to steal your blog? Your headcanons? Icons? All that jazz?

not that i know of??? i hope not ‘cause i worked real hard on all this and if you steal anything from me, i’m gonna throw a huge-ass heaping of karma your way.

 How many people don’t like you?

i dunno. i’d say none but i know not everyone is going to like me so if you’re out there and you don’t like me, you’re entitled to that. don’t tell me, though, ‘cause i don’t wanna know if you don’t like me.

How many people do you not like?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i don’t really care enough to actively not like anyone. you can annoy me but unless you piss me off and continue to piss me off, you get stuck on the “do not care” list. 

Have you managed to stay away from drama?

i give advice when needed on how to avoid whoever my convo partner is talking about and i avoid getting involved. unless it’s like… a close friend or involves a close friend, i refuse to get in the middle of whatever issue people have. i’m not about to have my ass dragged into problems that do not concern me.

i don’t cause drama either so that’s also how i stay away from it. 100% guaranteed to keep you out of drama.

Have you ever been in the middle of drama?

personal/friend drama? yes. rp drama? see above.

none of that was fun btw. it was a lot of me getting angry, being frustrated with certain behaviors, having to cut people out for doing shit/saying shit that they knew they shouldn’t have and refusing to recognize that they have fucked up and use that to change their behavior, etc. it’s draining and not fun and i’m pretty sure it shaved years off my life but y’know, it is what it is. the most i can do about it is look out for myself and keep out of relationships that will put me in those situations again.

Have you ever tried to bring peace to a situation?

no because i used to be friends with people that weren’t straightforward with shit and made excuses instead of changing their behavior. i don’t wanna go into it ‘cause and i can’t remember all the details but boy, peace was hard to come by and it didn’t last long. i wasn’t going to try to bring peace if people didn’t really seem to want it and level with each other.

How long do you stay mad?

depends on what you do, tbh, but it’s a couple hours at least. a couple days at most.

What’s your rp pet peeve? ( i have a lot of these )

playing “find the links” on someone’s blog. if i can’t find your links, i’ll try “/rules”, “/r.”, “/g.” and whatever else i can think of to get your rules and a couple more things to get your muse’s about. however, i shouldn’t have to and it takes little effort to make it so that your links are easily distinguishable from the background. if i don’t find them, i don’t find them. and i don’t follow/follow back

Have you ever forgiven a partner when you shouldn’t have?

nope. not now, not ever.

 Have you ever been forgiven when you knew you shouldn’t have been?

i’ve never been in a situation where i’ve had to be forgiven for stuff i’ve done so no.

What fads/trends are you so over?

the first thing i thought of was the fucking double ampersands thing that was everywhere at some point. those annoyed me so much and i’m so glad they’re gone. super small text needs to die too. i may not wear glasses but i sure as shit ain’t straining my eyes to see what you’ve written in 3px font. 

honestly, a lot of the excessive aesthetic shit that sacrifices accessibility for #aesthetic

Have you ever rp’d with someone you knew for a fact was abusive but tried to give them a chance/to make up your own opinion on the roleplayer? Did they change or did you understand what people were talking about?

nope, nope. nu-uh. if i knew for a fact that this person was abusive in that moment, i wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole. absolutely fucking not. 

Have you ever made a public call out post?

-loud snort- hell no.

What has made you completely lose your chill?

honestly? look at my worst experience and that about sums up shit that has made me lose my chill. you really gotta push my fucking buttons to make me mad ‘cause i’m usually pretty laid back.

What do you think about public call out posts?

answered here

A fandom that you feel isn't open and accepting? 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i dunno. i’ve only been in one before and that was f.ire e.mblem

 A fandom that you feel is open and accepting?

imma be real honest with y’all--the only fandom i’ve been in that i will acknowledge is f.ire e.mblem and i had a pretty sweet time there. i had some ups and downs but it was an overall good experience for me. it was pretty open and inviting in my opinion but i tended to stay away from the douchebags in the fandom ‘cause i just wanted to have a good time there.

Thoughts on duplicates following you?

 if i have duplicates of my oc following me, i’ll have a whole fucking cow 

Do you agree with reblog karma or is it forced interaction?

i don’t think it’s forced interaction most of the time ( with sentence starters, symbol memes, memes that take literally zero fucking effort to send in ) ‘cause... everyone likes getting stuff, y’know. if you wanna reblog it from someone, just take a moment to send something in if the interaction is feasible. that’s the key thing here. if it’s feasible, then i don’t see the issue with sending something in before you reblog it from someone ( especially if you’re mutuals ). if it isn’t and you just wanna reblog it, reblog it from the source. it’s not that serious.

if someone nitpicks you for rebloging the same meme they did but you reblogged it from the source, i wouldn’t feel too bad. you know what’s best for your muses and if you don’t feel like the meme is cohesive for interactions, then that’s your prerogative and the 

Has someone ever ruined an FC or character for you?

answered here

Has someone been jealous of you?

i’ve only been told that someone was jealous of me once and it was a long time ago. i have never heard that from anyone again ( not that i remember, at least )

Have you ever been jealous of anyone?

mhm! but it usually comes when i’m feeling super down about my blog and doubting my ocs ( which isn’t often ). when i do get jealous, it’s over interactions and the like and my big dumb galactic brain is like “wow, don’t you wish you had those interactions? don’t you wish you were rping with those people?” and makes me feel bad about the interactions i have, the speed at which i reply, my ocs, how many people are interesting in my ocs, etc. however, this shit doesn’t last long ‘cause i have a bunch of wonderful people that motivate me to get out of that funk and just... focus on what i have instead of what i’m seeing on my dash. i remind myself that i’m here to have fun and i shouldn’t try to match my experience to others’

How has Tumblr RP changed since you started?

more formatting, smaller icons, more focus on having a fancy ass theme, more formatting, more callout posts, less communication in some regard, more reminders for communication.more psa posts, more formatting--

honestly, i’ve been on tumblr since 2012 and most of it is a blur lmao. i probably don’t remember everything ‘cause i was.... 15 when i started rping on here. i’m 22 now. i’m sure a lot has changed in seven years but i definitely haven’t seen it all.

Thoughts on the fandom you're currently rping in?

i’m currently a fandomless blog and boy, is it a lot more fun XD i have a lot more creative liberty and i can shape the world my muses live in to my liking, as opposed to following or just adding onto what the fandom universe already is. it’s a lot of work and it takes a ton of time but it’s fun and i’m enjoying every second of it! 

How salty are you feeling right now?

answered here but i’ll just say it again: not salty. just tired and rambly because holy shit this took a while

[heinoushangar-a]

m e? for any url bUT ONLY IF you haven't already gotten swamped with these fkjh

lemme love you || @bluesmuses​

THE SUPERIOR PRIMARY APPEARS.

“#red loves blue exists for a reason” all the way across my blogs. for a Reason.

Do I Follow Them?: YES. ALL HER ACCOUNTS I WILL FOLLOW TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH. which is scientifically infinite since we’re all on one big blueberry so you get the gist. B) Forever.

Why Did I Follow Them?: I was so nervous to follow her beautiful and oh-so-very-necessary-for-insanity-and-order lawcow [ @dakctadude​ ] on jessica [ @krupnick​ ] bc … i’m gross. i’m unfiltered. she is rated G and magnificent in writing and such a sweet person. i felt so intimidated and nervous but omg i wanted to rp with blue so much?? BC WOW WHAT A LEGEND?? people who take severely underrated characters, rp them and put so much life into them deserve the highest ranking of honors possible, and blue did just that with Dakota. I’ve never even heard of the cartoon Dakota’s from, but Blue went and made this amazing blog for this awesome character I feel so much love for now because of her. I have so much respect for her. Dakota is such a necessity for Toon Roleplay, man. he keeps order, he looks after everyone and he is such a lovable big blue moo that everyone can feel safe around – except evil doers, which run wild on this blog lol. but… man. talk about an awesome character.I think I eventually decided to go for it and slammed follow bc yeah, I wanted to rp with that beautiful blue moo!! I was already having my little fantasies of Jess being good pals with Dakota and them having this unshakable bond together bc he is a genuine man. He’s honest, he’s respectful and he is so kind; he wouldn’t screw Jess over or use her like most of men Jess has come into contact with. He’d actually fend them off!I thought this was all silly fantasy tho.. and then Blue followed back and I flew into a panic LMAO. It was very much a Fester moment.

HELP SOMEONE AMAZING AND BETTER AT CENSORING THEMSELVES FOLLOWED ME WHAT DO I DO !!? Oh, I know! How about I initiate our first thread for Jess approaching Dakota and asking him for guidance against SEXUAL HARASSMENT. THAT’S A GOOD ICE BREAKER RIGHT.  what a dingus i was. i swear it was innocent, i was just like ‘cool i can set up a first thread for us and also give way for blue to connect another muse of hers to KMs so they can have potential future threads together!’. THAT’S THE BEST I HAD. MY GOD DO NOT TRUST ME WITH G-RATED BLOGS LMAO.But surprisingly, Blue stuck around after that. In fact, we had a few more threads together and ended up having Dakota & Jess bond so tight that the torchsinga [ as bugs calls her ] trusts him with her life and everything else. He looked after her when a Judge Doom rolled into town and she had PTSD meltdown and even let her stay at his place for a few days (with Roger too, of course). If that isn’t the cutest thing then idk what to tell you more, bc that just melted my heart. You could just see those little sim “++”s above Jess & Dakota’s heads through that whole event, and every other time they interact after. Not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for Jess having her blue law moo in her life, and for Blue being so cool with me and my awkward butt that she sticks around; even when I’m on this awful account.I follow Blue everywhere because I just love her and her muses that much, and I look forwards to making new connections with hers and mine.

Do We Role Play?: YES YES YES WE DO.

Do I Want To Role Play With Them: YES YES YES I DO. pls don’t take blue from me i love her sm, her muses are so cute and make me so happy. ;v; i wanna rp with this girlybob forever she’s so FUN

An AU Idea For Our Muses: n/a, but give it time!

A Song For Our Muses: Jessica & Dakota: Jessica trying country to sing “Cowboy Take Me Away” by the Dixie Chicks for Dakota? More likely than you think! [platonically, of course!]

Do I Ship Our Muses?: Platonically all the way across the boards! Jess & Dakota are so important. Their friendship is just so comforting lmao. You have this big bulky cow looking after this non-threatening sultry woman and together they are just.. SO TIGHT. Jess ended up thinking of Dakota as her last straw before she completely snaps and gives in to bad morality choices (LIKE IDK MURDER). She just will take him by the arm and go: “I feel like doing something very awful and very illegal, but I won’t, that’s why I came to you: will you help me take care of this thing”and murder impulse control aside, they’re just cozy buddies. Jessica’s filming all the country concerts she takes part in and brings those recordings home to Dakota for him to watch. Whenever he’s free, she’s going to kidnap him and surprise him by taking him to a concert featuring one of his favorite bands, with backstage pass and everything. This is the least she can do for him for being such an awesome guy. Jess & Duke? A FRIENDSHIP I NEVER KNEW I WAS MISSING. WOW. They’re gonna be like siblings on that relatability front, ain’t they? I’m looking forwards to rping them more jdgfsjdg --Graves & Purgy, my brain is just like “what if they end up with a crazy father-daughter dynamic despite being so different”. I don’t know why my brain is doing this to me but either way, I am just hoping they form a really tight bond together lmao. DUBIOUS LITTLE IMPS. im highkey so happy and excited and nervous and excited for her giving my creepy old oc a shot sfdgskdgf ty blue ty ty ty.

What I Think About The Mun: RED LOVES BLUE. Blue is such a sweetheart, oh my gosh. She is so, so sweet. She is so chill, she is so cool and I am just so thankful she’s around even on this account. She is just like.. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like hanging out with someone who is like the essence of a breezy spring day? It’s just so easy to co-exist with her and relax. She’s someone I think who can sit with you in comfortable silence and just chatter the day away idly with, giggling and cracking jokes with, and talking about cartoons and depth of them. She’s so relaxing!And my god, you wanna talk about art? Blue is an amazing artist. She’s worked so hard for her style and you can tell every time she posts a piece; it has so much love put into it and so much genuine emotion. The eyes, the body language and the closeness of the characters or the intimidation of the interaction – you feel it, without a doubt. I am so honored to know this amazing artist who is such a hard worker. She says she doesn’t have the patience to be an animator, but what little she’s done? It’s good. It’s really fricken good. If anyone in this world was to inherit the rights to The Dakota Dude and Duke L’Orange, Blue is the perfect choice because she is always doing their justice; not just in writing (but dear god the writing – please check out her blogs @dukelcrange & @dakctadude, and she’s even recently picked up @falcongravcs ! she does a really cute @rcadrunner, too. dfgksdfg - ), but in terms of artistic justice. You’re looking at her art and you are seeing them, in honest to Goodness truth, you are seeing those characters she plays and you see so much heart in them. Her drawings are so warm and always make me happy whenever she posts them. I’m so proud of her.

Overall Opinion: red loves blue ok. red loves blue and will die for blue.

Blog Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 + INFINITY!

[thedoveofshield]

*RAPTOR SCREECH* Okay, um. Wow. So I've been off and on with this blog for going on 5 years now and it feels like it's been sort of a battle. Gemma started out as a writing challenge: take a trope (girl with wings), and make them something that doesn't look like a mary-sue. Which really meant to me, to take time and flesh-out, develop and give depth to his character. I had a lot of things working against me: I started in a super saturated fandom (Marvel/Agents of SHIELD), a female character, and an OC (I mean, it's true isn't it?).  SO! Without further ado, here's a list of peeps, I tried to get as many as possible in here and do it alphabetically. I'm sorry if I missed anyone  FOLLOW ALL OF THESE PEOPLE IF YOU DON’T ALREADY!

birb squad 

(people who just have been giving this blog life, when I see you in my notifications, I smile like an idiot.)

@agentharrisonofshield - FUCKING VIVIAN. I feel like Viv just keeps things interesting for Gemma, they probably met and Viv took one look at G and was like "oh, my sweet summer child, you need Jesus." Of course, Jesus was actually "HAY-ZEUS", a fucking gorgeous meta-human bartender at the Pub that all the SHIELD agents go to but no one talks about. Viv probably gave G her first hangover....I'm making this canon now, let's RP this. The mun is also a delight and puts up with my shenanigans

@basiciinstinct​ / @ikollektiv​ - ELI, my love <3. I've been writing with this amazingly talented creature off and on for YEARS in a variety of different places with different characters, and each time it's such a wonderful experience. I have the great fortune of knowing this mun IRL and he is just so so good. Great friend, will keep 5ever. plz come visit again, i miss your punem. 

@bcnquet​ - So I tend to follow people who's writing I admire. I LOVE writing with people who make me a better writer, and you really do. Your portrayal of Hannibal is so incredible, and deliberate, the reader can really tell that you've thought of every fine detail of him. So much of Hannibal is how he observes people, and his environment, and you give us a glimpse below the surface of a very introspective character. I'm also loving all the threads we've done so far, it's allowed me to explore another facet of G, a darker side of herself where she has to lay out her morality and come to terms with the fact that it's not all there any more. I'm enjoying the rabbit hole I've thrown her down and can't wait to see where it goes.

@ijustcantseemtomiss​ - ACTUAL BIRB SQUAD. Your Clint is fab. He's like the right type of sweet yet beautiful disaster that I expect of my favourite superhero (he really is my fave). He's kind with G when she needs it but treats her like an actual person and encourages her and I loveeeeee that about him. A+++ Clint Barton, yes good. I wanna see what else they can get into. @kneeltoyourking​ / @shieldarchitect​ - I think you were the first person who really gave Gemma a chance. Even if it was her fighting with Loki (and continuing to fight with him). I look forward to seeing how their interactions progress. You know, after they stop bickering :P 

@nigellecter​ - I shouldn't admit this but I super creeped on your character when I saw bcquet writing with you. What caught my eye was that you were another phenomenal writer with detailed characterization. We've just started rping together and I'm enjoying it immensely, reading your posts challenge me to write better and loooove that. 

@reclaimedasset​ / @wetheremnants​ - Mags, <3. I don't even know where to start with this amazing Mun. They are always so sweet and wonderful. Their Bucky is just GORGEOUSLY written. Another wonderful example of a well-thought out character-portrayal. I feel like the threads we've been writing have been so monumental to fleshing Gemma out and being able to understand the extent of how her mutations affect her interactions and environment. Mags, your threads helped me rekindle my love for this little birb, and I love that Bucky is so tender with her. G and Rocket should interact again, the universe's strange things need to stick together. 

@vtorichnyysoldat​ - The Tank to my Healer. God, I love your character. You've made and OC that fits seemlessly into this verse. I love that you don't compromise on Leo's characterization to fit the narrative, he reacts in a way that is really honest to who he is. As the mun, I adore that you tolerate me screaming about these two idiots in IM constantly. I'd love to explore a plot where Leo opens up a little to G, I know he'd probably fight it tooth and nail and I don't expect anything less of him ;)

birbs of a feather 

(mutuals, we've rp'd or should)

@agxntmyers​ @altarbov​ @anxlgesic​ @araphorostiic​ @asecretagentleman​ @cameoutofabottle​ @diisarmed​ @earnedstripes​ @formidabli​ @gcddamntragedy​ @idagnir @ircnbound​ @iviaw​ @lorcanthropy​ @ramsoldier​ @shot18​ @stupidarrows​ @teethxbared​ @walkitcff​ @weaknessforgallantry​ @whcwashe​ @zzapzzaptasers​ So yes, THANK YOU! Thank you so much for following and RPing and what have you. I feel like this list isn't complete but I just can't brain any further for this post. I look forward to continuing to RP with y'all.

[stolenbythegods]

Why do you feel like nobody likes you? You seem really nice.

Thanks nonnie, that means a lot. 

This is probably going to get very long, and I know nobody asked for it, but I feel like maybe having an explanation as to why I’m insecure might help? Or not, there’s the possibility that nobody will care, but just in case, I’ll explain. 

I’ve been RPing on this site since 2013, and in that time I’ve had a lot of experiences. Most good, but there are a few bad experiences (3 major ones specifically which i will be talking about) that have ultimately contributed to the anxious mess I am today, and why I don’t approach people even though there are a fair few people I really would like to interact with.

The short version, for those that don’t wanna read through heaps of text, is this:

-I was strung along and eventually ignored by somebody I looked up to who couldn’t just tell me they didn’t want to interact.

-I was blocked by somebody I considered a friend for reasons I still do not know. 

-I was accused of copying somebody else’s OC which resulted in me losing a ‘friend’ and ultimately made me quit writing for almost a year. 

If you want more detailed explanations of what happened in each experience, you can find them under the cut. Warning: It’s very long. Feel free to ask for clarification if things seem unclear. There’s also a bolded part at the end which you can read that kind of… ties things together, I guess?

The first experience is the reason for my ���Don’t ignore me’ rule. Back when i was still fresh to this site and didn’t know how things worked, I came across this amazing marvel OC, and I fell in love with the writing. They were my first ‘tumblr senpai’, as the term used to be. My mind was blown when they actually followed me back, and I was very excited to write with them. So I did the logical thing and sent a message. They responded positively; I was over the moon. We had one or two very brief interactions, and I guess those were enough for that person to decide they didn’t want to interact with me. Now, if they had just come out and said that, things would’ve been fine. Yes, it would have hurt, but I would ultimately have understood and moved on. Instead, they strung me along. 

Any direct requests to interact were responded to with excuses about them not having the time for new threads, which does happen, so I understood, but they ultimately promised me that we would interact when they had the time. But after a while, I noticed the memes I sent in would go ignored, unless they were just headcanon stuff, and despite saying they were busy, they still had time to interact with new people. I still gave them the benefit of the doubt and guessed maybe tumblr was eating asks, or they just didn’t know how to respond or initiate a thread with me. It only clocked with me that they were avoiding attempts at interaction and ignoring me when I responded to a short open starter they posted, and everyone who replied to it got an answer except for me. This was the point I realised they didn’t want to interact with me but just didn’t want to say anything, possibly as some odd way to avoid hurting my feelings. Now you might be wondering if this was me pestering somebody I followed, but I just want to say that me and this person were mutuals right up until I realised what they were doing and made a PSA saying if you didn’t want to interact with me, then you should just tell me instead of being rude and ignoring me. After that, we stopped being followers and I pretty much did everything in my power to make sure I didn’t have to see them on my dash ever again because I was hurt.

Their intentions may have been somewhat innocent in that they didn’t want to hurt my feelings by rejecting me, but ultimately they hurt me far worse than a simple ‘I’m sorry but I don’t feel like interaction is going to work between us’ ever would’ve. In fact I recently discovered this experience still has an effect on me, because that same person crossed my dash just a couple of months ago and It felt like I had been punched in the gut and I had to take a moment to just breathe. So yeah. This experience enforced the part of my anxiety that now tells me that just because we are mutuals does not mean they want to interact (even though selective following is now a thing).

The second experience happened not long after the first. I had followed this blog, and we had a bunch of threads going together. 4, maybe 5, and we were in each other’s inboxes a lot with memes or just general shenanigans. One day we were talking, can’t remember what about (followers? I think? something to do with followers idk) and they suddenly disappeared off my dash. I though tumblr had just freaked out, but after realising they were no longer following me, it dawned that I was blocked. Now, I was still very much an ‘assume the best in people’ kind of person, so I messaged them on a different blog like ‘Hey, i think you may have accidentally blocked me?’. No response. I tried again, and nothing. I was… very confused, and was starting to feel a sense of dread. So i messaged a mutual friend/follower and asked them if they could find out what was going on. She also got nothing out of them, this person was essentially ignoring all mentions of me. Now what I did next might not have been smart, but I was very upset. I messaged them once more on another blog, asking them to please just tell me what I had done wrong. Maybe I should have just moved on and gotten on with shit, but I had thought we were friends and I wanted answers. I never got them. This experience is the reason why I constantly fret over whether or not people actually like me, and why I’m always afraid that one day everyone is just going to turn around and start hating me. 

The third experience was the most recent, and by far the worst. So In 2015 I got a message from a ‘friend’ of mine. I had been on hiatus for a while because I had been feeling insecure and had decided to fall back on some older methods of RP and take a break from the tumblr RP community. I had just gotten back, when they messaged me stating that a person they had started roleplaying with while I was away with had noticed some similarities between her OC and mine. Now, I had no idea who this person was prior to this. So I was very confused, and I said as much. My ‘friend’ went on to say that this person thought I had stolen her OC and that they also agreed, and also that the time I made my blog had been about the same time this person had decided to go on a long hiatus. Now the similarities were this; We both had the same FC, both our characters had abuse in their background, they were both UK born, and they both had interests in cooking careers. I thought this was fairly weak evidence, and said as much. They then countered that there was one more thing I had ‘stolen’ from this person and they sent me an image. And I was shocked. 

You see, when I had still been in college, one of my assignments had been to make a floorplan of a vet surgery. Now because I suck at drawing, I found a pretty nifty site called floorplanner.com. And while working on my assignment, my brain piped up and said ‘hey, we could use this site to make a floorplan of our OC’s apartment!’. And I thought that was a great idea, so I did it. Now, the image my ‘friend’ sent to me was none other than that very floorplan I had made. The person accusing me of plagiarism was claiming it was theirs. I said no, I definitely made the floorplan, and I was responded to with information about the exact date the person had saved the image to their computer. Not only did I send a screenshot of my account on the site and the floorplan itself open in the floorplan creator, I also countered with an image showing that the date I posted the floorplan to my blog preceded the date the person saved the image to their computer, but I was brushed off by being told ‘dates can be edited’ (yeah, cuz I’m totally smart and skilled enough to do that??). 

Anyways, by this point, I was extremely upset. I talked about it on my blog, but I did not mention names or URLs. I was then told my accuser was apparently getting anon hate (though they never posted any) and their friends kept coming into my inbox to tell me to ‘call off my followers’. One even made a public post and tagged me in it. I was beginning to get really stressed out, so I messaged my accuser and asked if we could just talk about this privately. I got no response, but they did make a lovely public post about how I was being emotionally manipulative and that they had 0 doubt I had copied them and about how they were so hurt by this whole thing. 

I asked my ‘friend’ why they didn’t believe me even though i had at the very least proven the floorplan was mine, and their response was that ‘of course they were going to believe the person who talked to them every day over me, who didn’t talk to them very much’. Looking back, I realise this ‘friend’ was not good for me at all. My reasons for not talking to them came down to a few things. First, I did not feel safe talking to them about my depression. The one time i did, i got some rather intensive comments. And you remember the break from tumblr I mentioned earlier in this story? I had spoken to them privately about it and explained my reasons had been I wasn’t feeling the most welcome, and that I needed some time away. They decided to take this as a personal attack, and when I had updated them about what was happening with me on the other site, they kind of flipped out and accused me of shitting on something they loved (tumblr) because I was criticising some of the uglier parts of the RP community (cliques, elitism, anon hate, the stigma towards OC’s over canon characters etc.). After that, I didn’t feel like I could talk to them, so I kind of stopped.

After all this had happened, I tried to move on with things. But the fact is, it really affected me. My ‘friend’ was, and still is I believe, a very popular RP blog with a lot of weight. My accuser had a fair few friends too, and my name had been slandered about. I removed all links to the blog this happened on from my other blogs out of fear, but even then I felt scared. Every blog I wanted to follow would be checked first to see if they had any obvious connections to my ‘friend’ or my accuser. If they did, I would make note of them, their other blogs, and the main people they interacted with all to avoid the chance of somebody knowing me and deciding to bring the shitstorm back up again. Eventually, i was so scared that I just… couldn’t find my love of writing anymore. It was tainted by anxiety, and I finally made an announcement on all my blogs; I was quitting. I didn’t delete my blogs, but I made the message clear that it was no guarantee that I would ever come back. 

I made that post in September 2015. It was only after reconnecting with a very old RP partner back when I was still new, that I finally was convinced to come back to tumblr in May 2016. My writing quality had fallen during my hiatus, because I barely wrote at all for the majority of those months. It still isn’t what it used to be, and the style varies wildly from day to day. 

These experiences, along with some milder ones, have ultimately shaped me into the anxious mess that I am now. My anxiety constantly reminds me that friends can turn on you, and that sometimes people might just be being polite when they compliment me or seem willing to interact. I do try my best to ignore it, but there are times it overwhelms me. It’s nothing personal to the wonderful people who follow me, it’s just my own inner demons that like to torment me. I found my love of writing again, and I would like to be the confident person i once was. I just need.. patience, honesty and some people willing to put up with my awkwardness.

This is horribly long and I’m very sorry, but I hope maybe it cleared some stuff up about why I am how I am. I’m open to more questions, if anybody cares enough to ask lmao. 

[riverspxilers]

How did you get into roleplay? bc I'd love to write it but idk how I could a)find the time too -what with college and work b)write characters correctly, bc idk if I know them well enough c)write it well enough & I have SO MANY ⛵s I'd love to write for them, but I've never been in love or had a crush so I haven't a clue how to romance or crushes! And I have no idea if/how to get round this -which is sad bc I'd love to do rp😧😢 (Sorry this is so long! Pls don't feel like u have to answer!!)

I absolutely understand what you’re saying! I feel kind of the same way. Honestly, I’ve been rping since I was about 13. It has always been a distraction for me from school, work, my real life basically. 

I think something that rpers sometimes don’t understand is that you do not have to be on all the time. No one should expect you to be constantly online to do replies or interact. You do what you can and balance your real life with your rp life. I found it hard sometimes because I suffer from really bad fomo (fear of missing out). I always worry about not replying right away because then I’d miss the opportunity continue a thread I really enjoyed or talking to the mun who runs the blog. This is a bad way of approaching rp because you are never guaranteed to be on at the same time as other people. Don’t stress yourself out over not having a lot of time to do this. If you are passionate about this, then you’ll figure out a way to make it work.

Writing characters is difficult, especially ones that already exist. Writing as River for me is like second nature now, but I add in things and sort of project how I want her to be. You never have to be precise in these as long as you are getting the basic gist of them. If you don’t want to write them as they are, then you have to make sure you explain that this character is not canon and has changes to them. I write for characters I don’t really know all the time. I once had a Clara Oswald rp blog and I personally don’t even like her that much. You will find your way around a character eventually! Original characters for me are my favorite because it takes a lot of time and care to create a functioning character from your own brain. My own oc on another blog is my baby. She has been developing for years now and she is everything to me. It takes time, but it will happen.

In all honestly, I have never been in a romantic relationship either! I’ve had crushes, but those feelings are never returned. I’ve learned how to write relationships based on movies and tv (which is not good). It’s a jumping off point, but you cannot continue writing as if you’re a writer on a rom-com (I totally still do though). I’m slowly moving away from it, but it is comfortable for me to do. Also, you don’t have to rp romantically with anyone if you do not want to. There are so many people who are looking for platonic threads to do! If you do end up joining the community here, just know there are so many variations of rp blogs out there. There is no 1 mold to follow. 

Also, everything that I said was based on my personal history with rp. You do not have to follow anything I said if you feel like it isn’t correct or comfortable with you. I hope you do join rp if you find that it will work into your schedule and everything!

If you wanna reach out via direct message, my messages are always open! Thanks for the ask! I enjoyed answering this!

[not3worthy]

The State of The Summer

Feels like it's been far too long since I just sat down to write just to write-- not that I haven't been having a blast penning characters and developing engaging dialogue with my friends in Florida playing Dungeons & Dragons 5e over Twitter when we can-- but I haven't really made time to just get my thoughts as they are and not seen through the scope of a character on the page.

In a small recess with said Floridian friends making preparations for BronyCon which starts next Thursday--Friday may be the first official day of the convention, but setup for vendors and getting all of the I's dotted and T's crossed and a lot of what's known in the trade as Day 0 activities occur from when access to venue spaces is given to the setup crews--I now have a window to write in.

"So, Note Worthy, what's all been going on with you since last you wrote... May, was it?"

I used to joke when I would write a blog post after a long pause that I had to clear the cobwebs out or someone stole time, but the truth is I simply do other things... such as the aforementioned D&D on Twitter.  Other times I'll just listen to music or watch the same YouTube videos I've watched a dozen or so times over already.  The highest likeliness that is that is if it's a day that ends in "Y", I am rolling initiative or RPing with my group of characters.  And, again, it's been fun and I enjoy the chance I was given to play with some very imaginative and fun people.  Wouldn't trade it for anything, really... well, maybe companionship.  One day a week would be enough to just spend with someone and then D&D the rest after work.

I've been working, sometimes 10 hours in a day.  My route has undergone fluctuations from slow days that lull you into a false sense of security to days where the scanner keeps sounding and you're already an hour behind schedule and somehow someway you manage to get back to base on time to get your truck unloaded and all of its cargo on the plane.  You never question it--it steals the magic and almost guarantees you that right--and I do mean right--at 5:30, you get a stop that's on the other side of town and it closes in 30 minutes.  Fun times.

Sadly, that's a pretty good summary of what I've been up to.  I haven't really gone out anywhere save for the scheduled Mall meets to have a meal and try to catch up with "friends" and some real friends.  My life has become rather pattern based, a rut of constant order.  Oh, yeah, I went to a wedding.  Sort of awkward but I managed to have a decent-ish enough time.

On the D&D front, I've created three characters, deeply developed one and changed his alignment and created two more that I'm slowly figuring out how to play.

I signed up for another online dating site, only to get one person to write me back and say she wasn't interested.  I deleted my profile the other day; little point in keeping "bait" in a location where I'm not getting any bites.

"Wow.  That really doesn't sound all that great.  How are you handling it?"

Primarily by doing this.  I've whined at my friends often enough and heard nothing back from them.  I've clued into the fact that they've tuned me out when it comes to stuff like this and that any further attempts at gaining some measure of understanding of my situation are hopelessly in vain and should be discontinued.

I keep saying what I want, yet unable to communicate it in a way that lets people know that I'm not trying to be desperate, needy or excessively whiny.  I'm being honest about what I sense is missing from my life and trying to wean some insight as to why it's not happening the way I would like it.

As I was driving home tonight, the sweat from unloading my truck and loading the cams to set out to go to our sorting facility in Columbus, Ohio and ultimately on to their destination finally drying, I was allowing myself some time to just get some thoughts out, using a backdrop of My Little Pony music to help filter some of the concepts flitting through my brain.  It was a moment where I wish I had the wherewithal to pick up my phone and try to voice record it so I could get the wording right.  I'll just do the best I can here.

Earlier this week, I had come to a realization; I have been jaded.  I've also been very bitter with people and situations.  Oh, not all at once... just here and there, cold thoughts about people, feeling unloved, unlovable, just... run of the mill crap like that.  So, after that, I told one of my friends... who didn't really react to it.  Maybe because my issue that was going through my tilted mind at the time had nothing to do with the issue of the epiphany of what has happened to me over the last few years.  Then I prayed about it and left it alone.

What I think I was trying to put into words as I was traveling at 35 MPH down Minnetonka Boulevard at around 9 at night was that I'm just... confused.  I've said it myself in tweets before: there is too much in my life for it not to be poured out into the lives of others; and, even as I am doing that, I can't seem to locate the sense of satisfaction that I used to feel when I did something that mattered to me. I feel as a vessel that has been filled and emptied out but not refilled with anything new then left to be neglected and unfilled.

There's a line from a song by Ponyphonic Trusting You that I was listening to... and it kind of resonated with me.  Some of the other lyrics are a little depressing.  I'll give you the quick synopsis of the song: it's about a person who has decided friendship is only pain and the only way to keep yourself "safe"  is to shut every door, close every chat and do everything within your power to manage to get through life by yourself.  Here's an excerpt of the closing chorus:

My heart is crying Neglected and confused

There are days where I simply don't know how I should feel, or I have my feelings swing on a dime from the happiest I've ever been to near homicidal and depressed. It's... really not a lot of fun.

"Oh, man, dude... that's almost unhealthy. Have you considered seeing a therapist or counselor?"

It's on my "I'd love to have the time" list. I haven't investigated the option at all because of my work schedule which has its own benefits and challenges--benefit is I don't start until 11, the challenge of not getting done until 9 PM some days. Don't know the policy on weekend appointments that my HMO has.

Maybe my hesitation about seeing a counselor is that it won't solve the underlying issue of people not communicating with me until they need something (certain exceptions do apply). What I have done in the interim is... sort of turn my friends into impromptu counselors. Which ain't why there are in my life... they're present because we have shared interests and they're pretty cool people.

The biggest thing that becomes a problem is when you want to communicate your desire to be involved in the events your friends do... but not actually be delivered in such of a way of "invite me or else" or "everything is horrible I don't want to be alone". I've tried all I know, and after it proved to be ineffective, I stopped trying. (Which means I should run that sucker through the scientific method again and ask different questions.)

Even in my current frustrated state, I'm still living life.  It's just... emptier than I would like it to be.  There's space available for the ride.  Wanna come along?