#(yes im tagging it as that for my purposes. they're different in my brain)
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Rejoice, BLU Oktoberfest be upon ye
#gopher art#team fortress 2#red Oktoberfest#blu Oktoberfest#(yes im tagging it as that for my purposes. they're different in my brain)#heavymedic#tf2 heavy#tf2 medic#i have no explanation the image just came to me and i had to draw it#its tender. its not exactly traditional. it brings me some joy#also i used the dummies as pose reference! first drawing ive done that for :3
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the way my brain short-circuited there jesus what the hell. i fear im gonna go over the tag limit so im gonna try to order my thoughts here. (dont expect any coherent thoughts tho ive been having a headache all day lol)
ok first of all. the fuck you mean perfect response. im gonna hunt you down i swear what the actual fuck this poem read like a fucking punch to the stomach. no. i would welcome a punch to the stomach or a dagger in every inch of my body. what the fuck. but i digress. ok okay now that i think about it it does fit very well. i hate how in order to explain this fully (aka rant about it till i reach the word limit) i have to interpret my own poem and aaaa i have this rule of not doing that lol. but yes i see it. i hate it. in the best way possible.
secondly. imagine me as that meme "ive connected the dots you didnt connect shit ive connected them" because this is literally me right now except ive actually connected some dots. it may be across different canvasses(? like you know the connect the dots drawing well it might be two completely different drawings but i did connect them fuck you). ok so when i first read the title it immediately made me think of Look At Me (which is such a good fucking poem too) because of how similar the titles seemed. yet they say the complete opposite. you probably did that on purpose didnt you you fucker. now im gonna think about this instead of sleep. these two poems feel like the opposites of the same coin. rejecting vs accepting. Look Away is like dont look at my wounds dont try to heal me i am beyond saving while Look At Me is the want the need even to be seen to be recognized beyond the prison that is made from your own skin. god okay my thoughts are running wild im afraid i wont be able to catch all of them. but before i dive into this more (??yea i think i have gone crazy) i wanted to say that i was thinking like how these two poems kinda mirror each other and then something hit me. it was a brick. because lately ive been obsessing over the fanart of crowley looking in a broken mirror and some of the reflections are him before the fall you know the ones right. and this really feels like that. like obviously both poems are about demon crowley but you know what i mean? like they're still opposites.
ok so here are some connections ive found (oh no here i go projecting again lol). Look Away is like an armour, like a shield, built over millennia of hurt and rejection. Look At Me is like the vulnerable side of crowley, the part of him that craves intimacy and connection. he wants to break free from his emotional armor and be truly seen and understood. im headcannoning that the prison in Look At Me is basically the poem Look Away. if that makes sense. ofc it does have i ever said something that doesnt make sense? exactly. the ending of Look Away where crowley asks aziraphale to come back shows the contradiction in his desire. he’s afraid of being hurt but also deeply longs for connection. so like in a way it's kinda hopeful? (me desperately trying to keep it all together by deluding myself that it's not as sad as it looks lmao). like. if you read first Look Away and then Look At Me it's like it reads kinda hopeful (hopeful isn't the right word dammit) because it's like a transformation crowley goes through and embraces vulnerability and the possibility of connection. like there's still a long way to go of course but still. he's healing? maybe? hopefully? (please tell me it'sgonna be okay im literally rocking back and forth in a fetus position rn)
another difference between these two poems i really like is how they both use demanding language (literally in the titles lmao) but in Look At Me it's like really direct and commanding like also more desperate because of that i guess? and the repetition of the title also adds to that. and in Look away the demanding voice is. softer? like this line "so please, look away΅ like the added 'please' why is it there yknow. the poem started out quite hostile and at the end crowley literally begs. this feels like he is showing a vulnerable side. which is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im so normal about that.
ok enough about these imaginary dots. i was like. dreading this part because it means reading this poem again but this time i know what it says so in a way it's like i am accepting or even welcoming the fucking emotional onslaught it brings. deep breaths. ok. so. ok i cant lmao what the actual fuck man i cannot write down my thoughts about this poem without going completely comatose. so i will share my favourite lines instead *proceeds to copy paste the entire poem * no im kidding i will try to limit myself to a couple of lines here they are:
look away and stop pretending you can fix this not even God herself could
the fucking essence of the struggle isnt it. i dont even know anymore. it's the deep-seated belief in his own brokenness. yep. it's a raw admission of defeat because if not even the most powerful being in the whole universe can fix me then who can. i mean him. fix him.
i'm fine in my filth, in my grime, and decay i'm not okay with you uncovering my truths
i hate you for this. honestly. the fucking acceptence of the unworthiness? how the fuck dare you. it's easier to believe you deserve nothing, it shields you from disappointment and rejection. better to reject first than be rejected right. but the fucking worst thing about this is the second line. how aziraphale's insistence on uncovering his truths feels like an invasion of his very soul. what the fuck man.
please, i don't want to hurt the only soul who's ever dared to stand this close
despite it all crowley still cares deeply. his plea (because it is a plea rather than a command..wtff) for distance is not born out of apathy or disdain, but rather from a place of fear of causing harm. beneath the layers of resistance and defiance lies a vulnerable heart. it really is a battle against himself huh against the instincts that urge him to push away those who care. hey im totally fine
okay well there is really one more thing left to say. i will never forgive you for that ending. what in the eurydice and orpheus shit is this. "run away and don't look back" ?????? this cant be a coincidence right. what the fuck man. i can hear eurydice saying this to orpheus but orpehus doesnt listen and inevitably dooms her. her. not himself. although kinda himself too because he did lose the love of his life lol but like. crowley not only saying to look away and run away to protect aziraphale but also himself???????? what the fuck man you deserve jail time for this (pretend that this was definitely what you were going for and not me connecting imaginary dots again lol). but also. the last two lines. wait. come back. god. why are you doing this to me. it's now like crowley is the one dooming them and that makes it even sadder because it's just gonna be one more thing he will blame himself for goddammit aaaaa why the fuck. and the last two lines are also like in a way they are saying 'no wait i changed my mind look at me' yknow. like at the very end he did change his mind is it too late please tell me it's not too late aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
anyway. what time is it. i lost all sense of thought and meaning and apparently sentence structure. or. idk . i dont know anything anymore. my mind feels like it's been through a blender. i will be hunting you down. maybe even kill you. as a thank you. to show my appreciation :) jesus fucking christ
Look Away
don't call me beautiful as you undress me don't turn on the light don't force me to look at my own reflection in your eyes i can't stand the sight stop picking at my scabs stop prodding at my wounds i don't need your healing you're only making it worse i don't care if they're infected, just pay no mind to the rotting flesh, look away and stop pretending you can fix this not even God herself could
i can deal with these dirty bandages i can't deal with you looking at me like that like i'm something worth fighting for like i’m something worth loving i'm fine in my filth, in my grime, and decay i'm not okay with you uncovering my truths, unwrapping all the lies i've needed to survive with your bare hands
don't come any closer stop trying to close the gaping gashes why are you doing this? it's not worth your time keep away while you still can because i'll kick and scream and lash out if you try to fight me, and i won't hold back please, i don't want to hurt the only soul who's ever dared to stand this close
so please, look away run away and don't look back.
wait.
come back…
tag list under the cut
@wibbly-wobbly-blog @crowleys-bentley-and-plants @phantomram-b00 @charlotte-zophie @crowleys-curl @quoththemaiden @thewibblylever @genderqueer-hippie @lickthecowhappy @celestialcrowley @ineffable-rohese @alwaysbemybae @fearandhatred @roof-of-trees @weasleywrinkles @brokewokebespoke @eybefioro @captainblou @amagnificentobsession @marika-misc @phoen1xr0se @simonezitrone79 @thatqueercookie @tiptopticketyboo @veil-of-lament @celticseawych @nimbusalba @annewind
i had a semi chaos moment the other day and deleted my tag list, but i found a backup. please let me know if you wanna get removed, or added for some reason. or added back if you got blasted into the void
#lkdfjghiuaergh;pevns;dskjghslrhvnurhgwpeifpsiroghwrihfaos;gpqoigheighdjvha;ighpgheifhjdhgalighouhgjsdgh#yeah#i cannot even plot for revenge because i know anything i do will fall short. you have won xan are you happy? of course you are#i really love this poem#💙💙💙
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D-8 SVT 5TH ANNIVERSARY: FAVORITE GOING SEVENTEEN EPISODE - MT SVT REALITY, GOSE 2019 EP 3-4 & 7, DEBATE NIGHT, SVT PLAYGROUND, DON'T LIE, BOO SEUNGKWAN'S PAST LIFE DESTINY, INSOMNIA ZERO (#2), AND MORE
Season 1 began in 2017 (another reason 2017 is ironically Seventeen's year) and SVT content was changed forever.
It began as more of a behind the scenes with everything from Don't Wanna Cry, Diamond Edge, Clap promo, and all the fansigns inbetween. This season just made me really sad I wasn't a carat sooner but it was a cool vlog for the boys and they were so excited to be filmed, precious bubs. I don't really have a favorite episode but here are some iconic/favorite moments
"Goiiiiing.. SEVENTEEN!" "goinggoing~~~"
Covering the camera with Hoshi's hand
"What if I die?!" "Then you die!"
SVT Energy Skincare™
Jun leaving people "frozen"
Angry MC Santa Wonwoo
Asking for the unicorn frap at Starbucks and having the order total turn out to be $17 thus triggering the members
Minghao flexing on everyone's life (again) on the trampoline
Hoshi being depressed about not getting bday wishes
Dino's "fanboys"
"Americano, aMEricano, ameRIcano, ameriCANo, americanO"
Make It Shine blooper
The dog from the concert poster photoshoot
Dabhao was thriving
My I behind the scenes 🥰
Any Junhao moment bc I'm whipped
Little 8 practicing his singing 🥺
Trauma (Seungkwan remix)
Spin-Off started introducing us more to GoSe in a variety format
We got variety-esque episodes like with the members cooking, writing letters to themselves, making flower crowns, drawing, and the arcade episode! But it was still mostly vlog-esque where we got to see behind the scenes of Thanks, Ideal Cut Concerts, Japan Arena Tour, 3rd Anniversary, their exhibit, Oh My/YMMD, and BSS promo. Again making me emo I wasn't a carat earlier missing all these iconic moments 🥺
My favorite episode is easily MT SVT REALITY and Hoshi yelling out the window still might be one of the most iconic moments ever, PERIOD. My other fave moments include
DK and Jeonghan fake laughing for like 5 mins straight
Minghao's mullet, period.
Driver Minghao for TTT
Jun abandoning DK to help Wonwoo with his apron instead
The birth of the legendary "T H E to the 8" rap (feat. the return of imma)
Producer Woozi
Episode 20 (yes I have that memorized) when Minghao hosts a cute little hotel date 🥺 he tells fans not to think of him romantically and then pulls this shit pretending to feed us and everything which is why I'm sad lol
Minghao's giggle when he did the bottle flip 🥺
Vernon full on losing it during an arcade game while Hao who's playing with him is dead silent
V8 vs. older bros
"you're over, Yoon Jeonghan"
Junnie winning at the fighting game uwu
The iconic Thinkin About You looks
That pose Jeonghan does that screams "your crush is coming, act natural"
Mingyu getting too excited and spitting on the cake so the members cover it but Mingyu thinks they're doing a team cheer
Hoshi screaming "2 captains!" repeatedly while Woozi regrets his life's decisions
Killing the8 in mafia just for returning from China
GoSe 2019 was the birth of the true variety show. They even made a theme song and everything 🤣😭 SVT are such natural entertainers ohmygod (and the editors really stepped up their game thank u staffs)
There was still some behind the scenes like the 4th Anniversary, Japan concerts, and Minghao instructing for Chinese Ver. of home, but they kind of started transitioning behind the scenes content to a different spot on the channel and honestly carats are so well fed with content #blessed. ALSO THIS WAS AROUND THE TIME I BECAME A FAN IM EMO
My absolute fave eps are the ones when they were brainstorming their own ideas for the show (3-4), the making of the intro/theme (7), debate night, and SVT playground but honestly the whole fucking season has so many iconic moments
Vernon not being able to read red marker bc of his red glasses
Jun's 1+1
Honestly it's so entertaining hearing them talk about their ideas even without them implementing them yet, they're seriously so creative
They do skits/roles so well like Jun pretending he's from the Chinese restaurant next door and Woozi being CEO of Going Entertainment dndkdk I cannot make this shit up
"Jeonghan act tired" Jeonghan: *fully falls to the floor and drags his body to the couch djdkdkdkkdld he's so fucking dramatic I'm still dying at this
Wonhao running around dead S.Coups
Minghao doing the going dance down the stairs (flexing again)
Pabo latte
Enthusiastic Minghao in Japan 🥺
The MBTI hidden camera
Diva Boo being pissed he didn't get Beyonce's MBTI but someone else did
Monsta X saving them at karaoke
Pigeon DK thriving during debate night
Geppetto Minghao looking fine af during debate night "I said so many nonsenses, I hope you liked it"
TTT fun - meerkat line rise, Jeonghan and Hoshi catching bugs but screaming the whole time, network love unit playing except Hao and he just gives them a cute "fighting!" Like they're his kids but he's just trying to relax lol, more mafia, Jun being hilarious during try not to laugh, S.Coups wanting to kill the staff (as usual), THE MEMBERS PLAYING WITH KITTENS
Froghao was thriving during svt playground
Bothering Woozi during secret santa
Hao's face when Jeonghan took the iPad
Dino literally got gifted a brick??
Junnie's light up grills
GoSe 2020 continues the variety so well and each member gets a month! So sad they shortened the theme but they gave us subs! Also the previews for next episode are great! They also stepped up the editing too. They are all working so hard for this and it really pays off
My favorite episodes so far are Don't Lie, Seungkwan's Past Life Destiny, and Insomnia Zero (especially part 2). I'm so damn hyped for Debate Night 2. Again so blessed for this content 😭🙌
It's harder to list moments when the entire episodes are iconic!!
DK failing at his own mystery food game
Minghao literally lucky number 8
The saga of Minghao being amazed at Mingyu's eating continues
Hoshi singlehandedly admitting he's mafia then getting Mingyu killed instead then openly killing the citizens at night without needing to hide and then winning the game ohmygod I cannot at how fucking wild and hilarious this episode was
Sleepy Jun during Seungkwan's Past Life Destiny
Junhao, evil twins, seoksoon, mingyuzi rise
Dino rejecting Mingyu with a moonwalk
The overall betrayal of couples omg
SA DALLA
Jun showing the Made in China tag djdkkd
Limbo was fucking wild
The members are all whipped for Woozi that shit made me soft as hell
Talking shit when other members are trying to sleep
Woozi loves dad jokes so much omg
They are so damn dramatic for the ASMR in Insomnia Zero pt 2 omg
TASTY
Jeonghan purposely not answering Hoshi's call to come back
Hoshi giggling that Woozi lost and Woozi fully having a crisis
Wonwoo identity crisis as one of the chill members
Brain Survival and Escape Room made my brain hurt but they're so smart
Minghao jump scare poor bb
Kicked out members becoming audience reactors
DK and Jeonghan fucking around with the props instead of helping
Their delivery food episode just made me hungry
S.Coups not flinching one bit at arm wrestling Hoshi
Trying to act cool when the move spots on the chess board
Seungkwan's wipe out
Getting debate night 2 really saved my life I can't wait for the rest of 2020
I typed way more than I should have but I just love Going Seventeen and all Seventeen content, being a carat really is a blessed life!
#seventeen#svt#challenge#im behind bc of finals#gose#going seventeen#WATCH IF TOO#IF IS SO FUNNY#i know i wrote way too much#if anything this is for my own record lol
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