#(tho idk how much assistance i'll actually be eligible for bc i'm still legally a dependent)
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living in america is literally just like. yeah i could probably benefit from inpatient mental health services but honestly the resulting medical bills would just make me want to kill myself even more
#eliot posts#i'm not in active danger of hurting myself don't worry#just experiencing some Ideations#but i have a long mental list of reasons not to act on those ideations so i'm safe don't worry#ironically one of those reasons is ''i couldn't afford the medical bills for a failed attempt''#suicide mention#suicide tw#tw suicide#american healthcare my beloathed#dogshit private insurance my beloathed#also ironically one of the (multiple) contributing factors towards this fresh wave of ideations is a medical bill i got yesterday#it's nothing too ruinous but it is A LOT like would utterly wipe out my savings level#my parents said they can help me with it (as much as i hate accepting things from them)#and as soon as i mentioned it my very sweet cousin just. sent me the money it would take to cover it#with a ''yeah i trust you'll pay me back once you get a good job like looking at your major you'll be making a lot eventually''#and i've already requested an itemized bill as well as the paperwork for the hospital's financial assistance program#(tho idk how much assistance i'll actually be eligible for bc i'm still legally a dependent)#so hopefully i'll be able to get that bill cut way down#it's just eugh it's so stressful and i had a full on panic attack on the phone with my insurance company yesterday#and my brain's fav response to crushing stress is just ''well we wouldn't have to handle any of this if we Just Fucking Died! :)''
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