#(this isn't being ungrateful i just don't want to talk to a void)

[ancientstone]

I have been informed that someone recommended one of my fics on tiktok

I must find that tiktok

(I do not have tiktok)

[goldenfox3]

Personal rambling lmao

It feels a bit...silly to be posting this right after posting an art and recently after posting an art positivity post but I've always flip flopped between feeling great about what I make and feeling like. Meh. It's out there I guess. I know perfectly well notes/kudos aren't everything and you should make stuff (especially fan art/fic) for yourself first and foremost so I wouldn't say I've ever like...posted anything I didn't want to make.

But there are times when I feel like...I drew something that I knew would be more well-received over something I wanted to draw more. Or I drew because I put pressure on myself to make something to hit that high of attention. This is partially what the Blood Falcon in water vent art and the Stewart hanahaki sketch was about. Choking, drowning, the imagery is a bit dramatic but yeah. It sounds ungrateful to even say it when I have so many lovely people supporting me and what I do but maybe it's the anxiety talking when I say I feel isolated sometimes. Sometimes that's not necessarily a bad thing! I have fun vibing with my homies in my gay little corner of FZ fandom!

But sometimes I do wonder if the charas or ships I'm most interested in would be more popular if like...I could draw better or push myself to interact more (that one is more related to twt) or had more followers here/on twt or even if it wasn't a gay ship (sounds silly to say I know but FZ twt has a diff vibe). It's not that there isn't anyone else interested and that no one supports my misc ship ramblings (I love and adore those of you who do) at all I just feel greedy and want to do more than shouting into the void I guess lmao. Spread it to the world or whatever. There's no need to feel down about that like getting to spread my love for a ship into the world should be a positive thing so???? Ironically enough I think twt may have made it worse bc though I (usu) get more interaction there it also becomes easier to see when the art I put the most love into (anything Falcon/Stewart or Andy/Robert) gets very little attention compared to art I put less effort into that I made more for others or randomass pieces where I'm like ???? why that one.

I know this is common and that you can't predict what people will like and funny or general pieces usu do better than hyperspecific niche ship pieces but even though I intellectually know that it's still like :( Sometimes I catch myself thinking things like "should I make this piece more gen because if I make it too obviously gay/shippy the people will be turned off". It's not like I don't make things for myself! I have tons of material I've never published lying around just because it makes me happy and sometimes I will polish it and turn it into something presentable because it makes me happy to do so. But again there's also this like...internal pressure (that no one else put on me it's just me being dumb lmao) to keep pushing out content to get my ships out there because there's very little of it (or none of it) otherwise so I feel like I have to keep pushing pushing pushing even though literally no one is pushing me but myself. Or to make things that aren't really the thing I wanted to make because it will get more attention even though attention isn't everything I know, I know.

None of this really matters in the grand scheme of life and it really sounds like I should go touch grass or something but I'm stuck inside for now because of work and school and physical pain so yeah lmao. It's that kind of situation where I think people would advise me to take a break from socmed and creating things since I do still feel happy when I go out with friends or family but to bring up the burning star analogy again, I feel that I'm burning up as I make things at a fever pace but I also feel like I'm burning up if I don't make things so. I might as well make things so I can be temporarily euphoric upon seeing what I made. It's not like I don't have other interests or people to socialize with it's just...a vague feeling of discontent about. Fictional characters of all things. Why lmfao

I know these feelings aren't uncommon for artists and envy towards other creators/putting yourself down in comparison is a common problem so it's like the conundrum of I know exactly what's wrong with me I just can't defeat it with logic lol. It's not my intention to sound ungrateful for anything I already have or to go hashtag first world problems or to like....guilt anyone or sound entitled or begging for attention or what have you...I just felt like it would feel, if not better, at least something from trying to make sense of my illogical thoughts by dumping it out somewhere.

[pass-the-bowl]

2:05 am

J,

I decided that it was time to make my letters into an internet blog situation. It felt like less of a desperate attempt to keep up with the various pages in a journal I would ultimately lose and more of a poetic way to send my letters into a void. They would all be in one place whenever I wanted them if I wanted them (but honestly I don't know if I will ever reread them). I don't know how existing in the ether works, but if you could see my journal pages, I would assume you can also see this internet post as well. Or I am writing to no one. That's okay too.

I don't have much to update you on but I wanted to write to you and christen this page with its first of many journal entries. The last time I wrote to you, I was in a really dark place. I still am. I am trying to work through that since I really hate feeling this low. It is one of the most gutwrenching, aching pains to feel that way. And it almost felt like the last time I wrote, I didn't have a reason to feel that way. The universe gave me one.

I got into an argument with my father after he told me that I had an attitude with him. I am a 23-year-old woman and suddenly I felt 13 and alone. I was stuck in a room in yet another unfamiliar house and I just wanted out. I wanted to leave and never come back. I wanted to escape this hellish nightmare that I had been placed in. And it is so dumb. It is so unbelievably dumb. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't trying to be a bad daughter. I had so many things I could have said that maybe would have rectified the situation. But then he looked me in my face and told me that I am so ungrateful for everything he does for me and I broke.

I am not ungrateful. I am always so worried that he doesn't recognize how grateful I am. I am a gift person, but he never wants gifts. We don't talk much even though his room is just on the other side of our house from mine. We don't spend time together anymore. We aren't really a family anymore. I feel as though I am being replaced by a better family. One that isn't so complicated. By a family where they are having children and moving out and they have so much going on that even bad days can be seen as good but I am just here. I am struggling, drowning, and afraid to ask for help. And so when he said I was ungrateful, it was as if it I had been found out. I think I cried for two days. I showed up to work just tired. I didn't want to be there and I had almost hit a car from how spaced out I was on the drive.

I really don't know how to go on. I wanted to die so, so badly. And I wish I could have a fun, creative word to say how I *specifically* felt. But I do not. The feeling is fading and it is still there. I do feel that, within the last day it has been a bit better. I got cookies from my order when I picked up my food. They were definitely not meant for me. And I did feel a bit bad knowingly taking them. But I also figured if I gave them back, they would throw them out. And so it felt like I shouldn't let a good cookie go to waste haha. But, I do appreciate the kind gesture, whatever powers are at play for me to be told "have a blessed night" and to get free cookies.

Anyway, I am going to go. I am very tired. I really hope you are doing well. I know you can't really respond or anything like that. Nonetheless, I do really hope you are doing well. You deserve to be happy now. Life was cruel to you in a way I can't imagine. Please take care of yourself out there on the other side. I'll make sure to write soon.

Yours,

M.

P.S. I don't know if that bird on my mailbox who stared at me and didn't fly off was you, but if it was, I appreciated the visit. Although it could have been a really, really chill bird. And that's pretty neat too!

[onehundredandeleventropicalfish]

One thing I love about absolute mess of Endless's parents- and god just how much implication for development of Endless, but also character of their parents, despite them having such minor screentime- is how they are very similarly neglectful and awful but go about it in such different ways because...

They are both nearly totally inacessible. But Time is hard to reach because he is everywhere, because they are within him in a way, and they need to dive in between microseconds to have a chance to talk with him. Meanwhile Night is outside of reality, far beyond any event horizon, any phenomena or concept, and easiest way to reach her is to jump in black hole and hope she lets them in instead of leaving them.

Side-effect of that is how they (can't) communicate with their parents. Time already knows everything, knows them on level they themselves don't realize ( Time is aware that cat-Dream is actually Desire and aware that Dream will kill himself and Daniel will replace him) and treats it like rerun of his least favourite television channel. Night meanwhile is so distant that apparently she is not aware (and doesn't find it important event) that Destruction left and that Despair 1 died.

They are so hard to talk with? Time is both brutal in way he approaches them, personally, but also a mindscrew, as he is talking about past and future and alternate timelines at once? Meanwhile Night seemingly offers warmth and affection, but aside from being shallow and unempathic, it is intersected with really vicious barbs of emotional manipulation?

They are both, strangely possessive and apathetic of the existence, but in rather different way? Time has stated, and Morpheus corrobated, that all things belong to Time, and thus Dream can't give him anything because everything belongs to him and he doesn't long for anything- except for Night, who predates Time and is outside of his constraints. Night, who fundamentally doesn't care about anything in existence (to point of shrugging at being told that there is war to end Creation) because it was once all hers and will be hers yet again, a boundless and infinite void from which all things were born and will be there once they are no more.

Time really, really doesn't want anything to do with his kids. He is so annoyed when they dare show up and would prefer to have no interaction with them if possible. Night meanwhile is all ''you never write, you never visit'' and admits herself that she might try to keep Dream with her forever. (Also, woah, congratulations to Destiny for managing to somehow please both hahaha).

They both make children (well, Dream, but from comments we can assume others too) feel like small lost children, but also be ashamed for being stupid. Time is constantly rolling his eyes at fact that Dream is not omniscient and complains how frustrating it is that none but Destiny see universe way he does. Meanwhile Night laughs; isn't it so funny, so delightfuly naive, how Dream thinks that universe can be saved, and in such funny story way?

They are both very dismissive of, well, everything in regards with children. Time flips off Dream s protest that Hope now got murdered with ''eh, in some timelines she lives and in some she never existed at all'' (which is doubly painful when at the end we are informed that in current reiteration of universe Hope doesn't exist and Dream forgot her and Time had to know that). Night meanwhile uses her condescending-comapssion to dismiss both his fears for universe and idea how to save it, but also his reminder that Delirium wants her love and protest that he and Desire aren't similar, alongside his very purpose (another one of your stories) and desire for family ( you always wanted relationship, right).

They rail that their children are ingrateful, but again from opposite ends? Time says, I gave you your being and moments to spend it in, and there is nothing to make up for it, and refuses to grant requests no matter how important, and calls them ungrateful for complaining about it, and is resentful they keep asking him for things (and accuses it of being only reason they seek him out). Meanwhile Night offers Dream a shallow, tiny, illusionary version of what he wants, and accuses him of being selfish and ungrateful when he doesn't accept.

Time seems to be immutable and implacable, moved by neither mercy nor urgency, and quite frank with how he sees his children, and in contrast to his appearance, very static. Meanwhile Night is mercurial, prone to mood swings, and according to Gaiman, plays games with children to compete for favourite.

Time seems to have almost bussiness like relationship with his children-they make offer, he considers it and if they can give him something he wants ( carry message to Night and get Saeculum back) he will grant request. Meanwhile Night is truly a capricious and chaotic force of nature and ancient proto-god, even to Endless, they can only hope things will go right with her.

In short, no wonder Endless are so messed up- both their parents are very inhuman and cruel but in such radically opposite ways that you really couldn't form a way to adapt to treatment, it was like trying to deal with being burned and frozen at same time!

Also sorry for rambling, hope I didn't bother you!

not bothering at all! (and sorry i took a while to get back to this, had a really busy past couple weeks)

but absolutely this! one of the things about the endless that many of them struggle with is that they don't really experience their own element, they can't, they are that thing. death can never die, dream doesn't have any hopes about his own future, destiny will never have a destination, only a series of paths (that's why he's the favourite son of both, btw, bc he's always two opposite things at once)

despair is one of the most grounded and accepting of the family, what desire thinks they want and what they actually want are two completely different things

i think that's why destruction was the first to leave, why he's the most aware outside of delirium about how the endless can't continue the way they are, this life breaks people, because his domain is entropy and therefore he is endless, and that's a horrifying prospect

(delirium is a special case i will get to in another essay)

and their parents are that way, too

time doesn't experience time because he is time. every moment of every year of every century happens to him at once, always. so he doesn't understand why his children feel the way they do, because all loss and all gain is irrelevant. there was a time you had it and a time you didn't and they are the same. you didn't grieve before someone was born, why would you grieve after they die? it's the same result. he doesn't understand emotion because emotion requires time, emotions evolve over time like people evolve over time and none of that is real in time's realm. he forgives morpheus because of daniel's actions, because they're both dream enough, why does it matter which is which?

night, meanwhile, in her domain over space. space is everything, ever evolving, ever changing, and night is only herself. she doesn't change, she doesn't see from others' points of view, she's barely aware other people exist. she criticises dream for never visiting her in nearly the same breath as she tells him she doesn't know why delirium keeps visiting her, what delirium could possibly want from her. she didn't know despair was the first endless to die, she didn't know destruction had left. time knows everything about his children but doesn't care, night knows absolutely nothing, she sees them only for what they can give to her. when she offers dream what she thinks is a great boon, it's to stay in her realm forever, and forget about the entire universe dying outside. they don't matter. they're not real. and she calls him selfish and punishes him for refusing

there's that line, destiny has, in the wake, which really encapsulates this

there is an inherent tragedy to all the endless, not just dream, because they're all missing some crucial part of being human

and they're undeniably people, they live, they feel, they remember, they're not their parents who exist unbothered by what they lack, their parents aren't human enough to notice

but they're just similar enough to their parents that it hurts

[bacyardigans]

Goodbye ?

I'm tired of waking up like "damn I just woke up again" and lately it feels like happiness doesn't exist. Im tired of these shitty jobs that pay trash money. Im just tired of everything. I feel empty. I have this constant void I can't feel. First time I can say I'm truly depressed. Conteplating suicide everyday. Feeling alone even when around so many people. Now I understand fully why people kill themselves. They only truly love you when you die. And I know when I do there will be so many saying "Man I should have been there". I use to be such a happy person and at one. I'm not lost. I'm dead inside. I feel like as time goes on gods going to make my life worse and so many ways. I was born with bilateral club feet which causes me not to be able to work a stand up job and to be on my feet for long due to the pain in my feet, legs and back . So it's hard to make decent money at sit down jobs and my area and maintain financially as well keep my sanity from acknowledging my worth as a human. It's a blessing that I can still walk don't get me wrong but it's just been a fucked up adult life. I have slim to no true friends besides people I can smoke with and do drugs with it. I don't have friends that want to have deep conversations and be creative and start some type of platform. As a kid I've been into music and art and have had out of this world visions that I know could change the youth and culture and a postive way but over the years being around close minded people and people that don't want better for themselves and just having ideas and visions that I never got to use due to messed up situations has caused me to drift slowly away from everything. And that's what gets me the most ... I love music so much it's the only thing that makes sense to me. Only thing I can grasp and enjoy. I've been making music since I was 8 on the computer. It's not a dream of mine it's a passion. But sadly I have no urge to do anything anymore. I'm grown now so I can't really talk to my mom about stuff and my dad never was around ever. So it's just been me and these 4 walls just asking the constant question "Why am I here". It's come to a boiling point. Where I feel like nobody understands or can help. Me thinking like this isn't out of selfishness, being ungrateful or anything I just understand life from a wayy different perspective. I just look at life and where its going and I've been just learning about the system and the goverment and the way they have it set up. And ... It's just like why would I want to continue to live on this evil earth. It is hell on earth and you gotta go thru this hell to get to heaven.

Again I'm not writing this for publicity or attention I just had to write this somewhere and I can't write it on facebook because people think im crazy and that I need to go to the hospital and what not because that's how the goverment has trained people to respond to peoples dark times. All in all I send many blessings to all. I love you all. I hope I make it to see another year. I hope :(