#(so saying XX of the 7th Astral Era is probably easiest bc 0 on that is just the end of ARR...idk i'll figure it out later)

[elliewiltarwyn]

FFXIV Write 2024 | #11: Surrogate

Fifth Umbral Moon, 17th Sun, 03 7AE

I’m frightened for Minfilia in a way I’ve never felt before.

She’s determined - moreso than she’s ever been in front of me. She displayed a spine of steel, refusing to back down no matter the bitter words Thancred—or I—muttered at her. Her resolve managed to impress Emet-Selch himself, though of course he delighted in spelling out the dilemma before us, just to rub in the tragedy of it all.

She’s a teenager - barely Alphinaud and Alisaie’s age. She never had the chance to live her own life; she has ever walked in the shadow of an unfathomable legacy. She’s always borne the weight of being a scion, and she never had a choice in the matter.

Except now she is choosing - to submit. To offer herself to the Minfilia, to let the self she’s never had the chance to express fade away in service of our mission - the mission of the Oracle of Light.

And it kills me, because I know why she’s devalued herself so much. It’s my fault. And Thancred’s, but—we look at this girl named Minfilia and can see naught but the Minfilia we lost. I know she’s not her. And…the very fact that she isn’t her makes me bitter.

That’s not fucking fair to her. It’s unfair to her, to Minfilia, to all the other girls in between that died in her name. And as much as it bothered me, my feelings can’t come into this.

And she needed to know that. I confronted her a few hours after we left the Ocular, found her on the balcony overlooking the Crystarium gates. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that she should not make her decision based on how Thancred and I feel about her.

“I’m not,” she replied firmly, never breaking eye contact. “I’m making my decision based on what’s best for everyone.”

“It’s not best for you.”

“And why would you care?” I’ll never forget how her voice cracked as she said it, how the tears began to well in her eyes. “I figured you’d be overjoyed to have your Minfilia back—”

Not if it means losing you.

She was stunned. I was stunned, and I said the words. But I meant it. Because if she goes along with this, it’s not what I think is best for someone I care about. For both of them.

Because yes, I loved Minfilia, with all my heart, with everything I was.

But I also care about Minfilia - the young one, the girl who never had the chance to be herself - because I’ve seen the little glimpses of herself peeking through the veil, occasionally. I’ve begun to pick up on what she likes, what frightens her, her sweet tooth, what she likes to read in her downtime. I’ve begun to see what kind of person she is within the shadow of Minfilia’s legacy, and…she’s delightful. And Thancred and I are fools for not appreciating her for who she is.

Not as a surrogate for the first of that name whom we loved. Not as a scion to a legacy she never wanted to inherit. Just a young girl - one of the bravest, most resolute, and strongest girls I’ve ever known.

I don’t want her to give herself up - even if it means seeing Minfilia again. And I hope, on some level, Thancred doesn’t want that either.

Because I know she wouldn’t have wanted that.

‘Can I actually convey even a shred of this sentiment to her?’ is a different question. I…think I did my best. I took her hand, looked her in the eye, and told her I wanted her to do what’s best for herself…because under it all, I do care for her.

(I can’t make the mistake of failing to ensure the ones I love know how I feel about them. Never again.)

She…took it well, all things considered. She said she would think about it…and thanked me. But that haunted look was still in her eye when she turned, pulled her hand out of my grasp, and walked away.

There’s still time, at least. I’ll banish that look from her eyes before we reach Nabaath Areng if it’s the last thing I do.

(I should talk to Thancred. Get that message through his thick skull. She’s even more concerned with his feelings than with mine, given how they’ve been together for years…)